Into Temptation (7/?)
The crushing feeling inside my chest has grown every minute since the words were said. I had hoped that they would bring relief. That maybe it would give me some sort of explanation for my actions or my feelings, but it hasn’t. I haven’t moved, I haven’t spoken. George and I have sat there for the entirety of the night in total and excruciating silence.
“Callie? You haven’t said any thing and….just say something. Please, anything.” He’s pleading with me, I can hear it in his voice. Even the sound of it makes me feel sick. It just reminds me of those four words, I slept with Izzie. Still I cant shake the guilt in what I have done, cant find justification for the path I took.
“I forgive you” It’s the only thing I can think of to say. If I don’t forgive him, don’t allow myself to forgive him then I cant forgive myself either. I need to feel that ounce of hope. Need to feel that somehow I can make my life right again, make myself able to feel joy again.
“What?” He’s confused, I know he is. Most women if they found out their husband was cheating on them would throw them out on the street and never speak to them again. It’s not that easy for me. We work together, we see each other every day.
“You made a mistake but we took vows, till death do us part, so I forgive you” I don’t know if even I believe the words that I have spoken.
I make the decision almost immediately when I see the woman who has been playing games with my marriage to talk to her. I want to make her regret the day she ever came between George and me. I want to make her stay away. She turns when I approach her. She is obviously shocked to see me.
“Callie, hey, hi” I can see the nervousness in her. I find it rather invigorating.
“We have to talk” I’m blunt, forceful in my wording.
“Ok, about?”
“George told me” As soon as I say the words an intense look of fear crosses those dark brown eyes in front of me.
“He told you?
“Everything.” I see her take a deep breath. I want to make her feel fear, she should. “Cafeteria, noon, you and me, be there.”
“You paged me Dr Bailey?” I ask as I enter the consult room. Unfortunately I didn’t expect to see George there with her. “Oh I thought you were?”
“I’m in the clinic, or I was….” He replies as I shift my eyes away from his.
“What have you got?” I cut him off.
“Ruthie Sale, said she twisted her ankle falling off the Stairmaster.” Bailey tells me as I stare at the x-rays in front of me. They are all I can bare to look at.
“She didn’t twist it, she crushed it. We should book an OR right away” I try to make a hasty exit. The last thing I want right now is to be working next to George.
“Dr. Torres, you don’t think we should run a few tests to find out why her bones are so fragile in the first place.” Bailey asks forcing me to turn around again.
“She’s osteoporotic, I see it in older women all the time” I keep my eyes glued to Ruthie’s chart, never once looking up.
“Well now your seeing it in a 28 year old.” Bailey replies correcting me.
“Oh, right.” I reply when I flip through the chart and see her age. “Call when you get the test results.”
Standing in Ruthie’s room with Bailey and George I barely feel like I’m even there. It feels like the world is spinning around without me. Like everything is on fast forward and I’m stuck on pause. I can hear them talking but none of it really resonates within me.
“You showed low electrolyte levels, low calcium and low vitamin D. You’ve been dieting?” I can hear George ask.
“She just lost 40 pounds” Ruthie’s boyfriend replies.
“Will told me that if I ever got back down to a size 4 we would move in together.” Ruthie says sounding proud.
“How romantic” Bailey chimes in.
“We both just need motivation, I told him I wouldn’t live with a smoker so he quit smoking”
“The problem is that even if Dr Torres is able to repair your fracture it wont do you any good unless your eating more and working out less, am I right Dr. Torres?” I notice Bailey looking at me out of the corner of my eye “Dr Torres are you alright?” I break free of my thoughts, taking a moment to remember what was just said.
“Dr. Bailey’s right” I reply with a nod.
“So what you’re saying that you wont operate unless she puts on a bunch of weight” he asks me.
“No but um” I try to explain the situation but am interrupted.
“Why are we still talking about this, we came here to get her leg fixed, so fix her leg” there’s annoyance in Will voice. I don’t have the strength to fight him right now. I mean in the end he just wants his girlfriend to be fixed.
“Ok” I reply giving in.
As I enter the cafeteria to talk to Stevens I am somewhat shocked by the amount of people there. Almost instantly all eyes are on me. I walk through the crowd towards Izzie, a few people giving me nods, which I return but don’t fully understand
“Stevens?” I ask her slightly confused as she starts to remove her earrings.
“Lets do this, lets go, lets go” she replies as she starts cracking her neck.
“Go where?” I’m still entirely confused by what’s going on. She puts her hands up into fists in front of herself. Suddenly realisation starts to form.
“You know, go” she replies looking ready to fight me.
“I wanted to talk” I say looking at her in disbelief
“You wanted to talk you don’t want to kick my ass” she looks at me utterly confused.
“You thought I was going to fight you?” I laugh softly until I look around and realise why everyone’s staring, why they are all crowded around. I feel humiliation flow through me. Everyone staring at me, expecting me to fight. I need to get out, I exit as quick as I can.
“Sorry I’m late” I apologise as I enter Ruthie’s room. I’m still fighting back the emotions in my body. Fighting back the tears as Bailey hands me the chart.
“I was just explaining the surgery. Since your bones have splintered, Dr Torres will place metal plates and screws to hold the ankle together” Bailey continues with her explanation.
“How long will the recovery time be?” Ruthie asks.
“It’s hard to say, you will be in a cast, 8-12 weeks” Bailey answers
“3 months?” Will replies sounding shocked.
“Right Dr Torres?” Bailey asks looking for back up.
“Longer if she doesn’t eat” I reply.
“She eats” Will replies in anger.
“Not enough to keep her bones from snapping but you don’t sound too concerned about that” I can start to feel the anger in my body coming out and I cant fight it anymore.
“What is your problem?” he starts back.
“I don’t have a problem, I’m not the one who has to live with you” I shout back.
Without warning Ruthie starts vomiting blood everywhere. Bailey grabs a tray for her to vomit into. My eyes stare directly into Wills. Hatred oozing from them.
“I thought Ruthie wasn't going into surgery till tomorrow” George asks as he enters the OR where Bailey and I are trying to desperately to stop the bleeding.
“That’s before she started vomiting blood. She’s got a bleeding duodenal ulcer” Bailey replies.
“How did we not see this?” I ask more to myself than anyone.
“She came in with a broken ankle, her malnutrition and the amount of ibuprofen she’s been taking she’s lucky to be alive” Bailey answers.
“Why did she do this to herself?” George asks as he watches us trying to repair the intense amount of damage.
“Cause people are stupid and just want to be loved, that the only reason anyone does anything.” Bailey replies. I find myself looking at George. I start to wonder if maybe the reason he cheated was because he didn’t feel loved or that he never really loved me. I’m broken from my thoughts though when Ruthie starts to crash.
“Ok start CPR” Bailey shouts out as I start to place pressure on her chest.
She’s dead. We couldn’t save her. Couldn’t fix her. When I go outside to find Will I see him smoking. It immediately starts a wave of emotions that I don’t know if I will be able to control.
“I thought you quit smoking? Wasn’t that the deal, Ruthie loses 40 pounds, you quit smoking?” I know there is hostility in my voice, which isn’t entirely appropriate when you are about to tell someone that their loved one is dead but I don’t care.
“My girlfriends in emergency surgery I think she’ll forgive me for smoking.” He replies as if it’s such a little thing.
“No, no she won’t because she’s dead. Ruthie's dead.” There’s no support in my voice, no sound of caring. “Dr Bailey tried to stop the bleeding but because she’s been starving herself and over training her heart couldn’t take the strain”
“You think this is my fault, she wanted to lose the weight, I just wanted her to be healthy”
“She was healthy 20 pounds ago, you just wanted her to be hot, especially if you were going to move in with her right?” As the anger in my voice starts to rear its head I know I’m taking this personally, I know that I’m making this about me, about what’s going on in my life but I need to fight. I need someone to fight.
“I loved her”
“You didn’t love her, you just didn’t want to be alone or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life. You didn’t love her because you don’t destroy the person you love” I no longer know who I am talking about. I don’t know if I am talking about the cretin in front of me, George or worse still myself.
George tries desperately to pull me away from Will as I feel myself about to attack him
“Get her away from me” Will shouts out as George holds me back.
“What you’re going to hit me? You’re going to hit me? Cause please give me some excuse to kick somebody’s ass.” I shout back as George drags me further away.
“Dr Torres” Bailey shouts out at me, pulling me back to reality. I can hear her apologising to him. “Sir we are so sorry for your loss, O’Malley please take…..”
“Sir , please come with me” George says apologetically as he leaves Bailey and me alone.
“Ok I’m going to ask you one more time, are you alright?” there’s anger and concern mixed in Baileys voice.
“I’m fine, its nothing,” My voice is trembling as I speak as I fight back tears once again.
“Really? Cause nothing almost cost you your career just now.” Bailey replies before walking away.
The tears come unbidden now, falling freely in the cold, sterile, silent expanse of the locker room. It’s the first time that I have allowed myself to truly feel the full extent of the emotions in my body. There’s a small amount of freedom in it.
“So who won?” I hear Arizona’s voice ask quietly. As I look up I see a small smile adorning her face, not the usual bright, perky grin I’m used to but its better than nothing. I reach up and wipe the warm, streaks from my cheek.
“What?” I ask her timidly. I cant even believe she’s talking to me, cant even believe that she can stand to be in the same room as me. There is obvious concern on her face though even if the look of hurt still resides in her eyes.
“I heard about the fight. Some of my nurses had placed bets on you to win.” She leans back against a locker, her eyes still having trouble meeting mine.
“There was no fight” I say blankly as I feel the tears start to form again at the remembrance of the humiliation of earlier.
“Oh, ok” her voice is soft as she turns to walk away.
“Arizona” I call out to her forcing her to stop in her tracks and turn to face me. “I know I don’t deserve….. I mean, I don’t expect…..” I feel words begin to fail me again. I take a deep breath, focusing my thoughts. “Would you be able to just sit with me for a while”
She swallows gently before giving me a slight nod and coming towards me, taking a seat next to me. She softly takes my hand that is residing on the bench next to my body in hers. It’s nothing more than a comforting gesture but I feel warmth start to flush through my system.
We don’t talk. There is not a single word spoken between us. I know we aren’t better, I know that there is still so much that needs to be said, that needs to be done before we can reach a point where she can even look me in the eye again. It’s a start though and it brings me a slight glimmer of hope.
As I walk down the hallway feeling somewhat calmer than before, I see Izzie approaching me. I turn, walking quickly in the opposite direction. I can’t deal with her right now. Not after everything that has happened today. Not after everything that she has done to me.
“Callie, Callie wait, please wait.” I stop reluctantly allowing myself to hear her words “I’m sorry about the cafeteria, I didn’t know that you wanted to talk to me. I thought you wanted to kill me.” I turn to face her with the last words. “I’m sorry about everything with George. I’m really sorry I feel terrible” I ignore her, start to walk away. In that second though I decide to confront her, to make her realise exactly what it is that she has done. Make her realise exactly the sort of person she is.
“You feel terrible? You took advantage, he was your best friend. I tried to trust you. So much that I had convinced myself it was all in my head, that I was crazy, but I wasn’t was I. And then you pull that thing in the cafeteria today. It’s not bad enough that you humiliate me by getting into bed with my husband; you have to humiliate me at work too.” I step forward looking her in the eye, making sure she feels every inch of what I’m saying, making sure she feels every single word “You took something from me, you stole something from me like a petty little thief. You are the one who should be humiliated, you are the one who should be ashamed you are the one who should be…… don’t you dare come to me for forgiveness you traitorous bitch.”
The feel of the cold wind against my face, the rain running down my skin as I stand outside Seattle Grace is bitter. I cant help but be reminded of the last time I was in this position, how broken I felt but then how warmth had filled me when she wrapped her arms around me. I wish I could go back to that moment, back to a place of warmth. I can’t though and a part of me is starting to understand that. There are changes occurring in my life and I am powerless to stop them.
“Callie” George’s voice resonates in my ears, I don’t turn, looking into his eyes only reminds me of the pain I’m feeling and right now all I want to do is feel numb. “You can’t just forgive me. What I did to you, its unforgivable.”
“That’s how it works, that what I forgive you means” I reply, I know there is a hint of anger in my voice.
“No, see I think it means you don’t forgive me. You don’t want to talk to me right now, you can’t even look at me. You’re so angry that the only way you can deal with me is to say that you forgive me. And what we pretend it didn’t happen? It happened and you don’t forgive me” With his words I feel the façade I have put up around myself today come crashing down. It’s the truth, I don’t forgive him, I don’t trust him, I can barely stand to look at him or feel his presence.
“I need to forgive you George, I need to, because I need to be able to forgive myself.” I feel the tears flow from my eyes, I feel like I can’t breathe. “I slept with someone else too George, so I need to forgive you”. He doesn’t move, he doesn’t say a word. “But your right, I don’t” I reply before walking away from him and the remains of my marriage.
A/N: Ok just so you all know its not always going to be this dark and twisty. There is Joy coming I promise.