OMG the CRACK
All right. So. A fun thing to do is to sneak on someone's page and surprise them with a comment full of crack. This started with me spamming my own page with Tobi/Ibiki, because no one else would do it (!), and it just kind of grew from there. I'm posting a few crack ficlets here. If only one person reads these and gets a laugh, it'll be worth it. ^_^
Titles: Revenge is sweet; Girly; Nice, Even; Muffin; and True Love
Characters (in alphabetical order): Baki, Genma, Ibiki, Itachi, Kakashi, Kankurou, Kisame, Suigetsu, Tobi
Rating: Definitely NC-17
Warnings: Where to start... OOCness, anal, inappropriate use of jutsu, poledancing, lapdancing, non-con, awkward patting, situational cockblocking (poor Kisame ^_^), possible very bad humor, use of the phrase "nice, leisurely buttf*ck," body modification (?)
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, though Kishimoto might not want them back, now. I also do not own "The Thong Song."
1: Revenge is sweet.
Genma gripped sturdy, tanned hips tighter and thrust his cock deep into the body bent over before him. The Sand-nin writhing underneath him made a muffled, pained noise through his gag, and Genma grinned widely.
Revenge was sweet. Revenge was so... nhhh... fucking... oh, god yes... sweet.
"Grnmurn?" mumbled the bent-over form through the wet fabric of the gag. He sounded upset.
"Shut UP, BAKI!" Genma growled, reaching down to push that slowly swiveling head face-down onto the mattress. "Just... shut up and... mmmhh..."
Genma paused to piston into his victim's hot, shaking ass a few times, groaning at the heat flaring in his belly. He was so close... Just a few more seconds...
"Grrrnnn!!" his victim protested, struggling. Genma pressed harder against the back of the man's head.
"Shut the fuck up, Baki! This is what you--- Ahhh!!! what you fucking... oh, FUCK..." Genma gritted his teeth and slammed into the Sand-nin's body one last time, then shouted out his release as his seed poured out into shivering insides.
Sated and satisfied, he withdrew slowly and patted the other man on the back.
Kankurou sat up and glared at the Leaf nin. He reached under his knee and found the senbon that had been stabbing him so uncomfortably, then tore Baki's ridiculous headdress off and threw it across the room.
"You see this?" the puppet-master demanded, holding the long needle in front of Genma's face.
"Sorry," Genma grinned, not penitent in the least, but rather enjoying the sight of an angry, naked, paintless Kankurou.
"I told you, I'll take part in whatever sick, twisted revenge fantasties you have, but stop when I fucking say to stop, asshole! And stop leaving these goddamn things in your bed," Kankurou grumbled, tossing the senbon across the room.
"I said I'm sorry, baby," Genma purred, reaching out for the Sand shinobi. "Come here and let me make it up to you."
"Blowjob?" Kankurou suggested hopefully, his anger already starting to evaporate.
"Blowjob," Genma nodded.
END
2: Girly
Kisame studied the body bent over before him, ran his hands down the slender, shirtless back of his partner. Always so cold and distant before, Itachi was finally letting him get close. Who knew all it would take was a few drugs slipped in his sake?
Licking his thin lips, the shark man snickered softly as he slid Itachi's pants down over his slender, some would even say girly, if they were certain the murderous Uchiha was far, far away, hips.
Kisame chuckled as he parted those pale, fleshy globes to see the hole he'd be slipping his dick into shortly.
"Girly," he said.
"Wha?" Itachi slurred, giving him a hazy look over his shoulder. Shit - I didn't know he was awake, Kisame thought, and quickly formed a plan to distract the teenager.
It was a simple plan - he reached between those slightly parted, skinny thighs and groped for... for....
"What the FUCK, Itachi?!?" he asked in disgusted confusion. No penis... no cock... he could almost believe that Itachi was a girl, but there was nothing there, not even a... he couldn't even think it.
To his immense surprise, the Uchiha burst into tears.
"I lost it," Itachi wailed.
At a loss, Kisame rubbed his hand awkwardly over the younger man's protruding spine.
"It's okay, Tachi-kun, I have two. We can share?" he offered lamely.
He was surprised again when Itachi rocketed up off the bed and wrapped his arms around Kisame's neck, planting a sloppy kiss directly on his gills.
"Oh, I love you Kisame!"
END
(I don't know if that'll be funny to anyone... there's a running joke between myself and a friend that Itachi's been missing his penis for years, that he lost it in one of several embarrassing or painful ways. Well, on to the next one...)
3: Nice, Even.
"You're almost ready for advancement," Kisame grinned, hiding his chuckle behind his second row of teeth.
Suigetsu looked up at him hopefully from his seat on the carpet of grass and wildflowers and gripped the handle of his oversized sword.
"What else do I need to do, sensei?" the pale-haired young man asked, his aqua eyes big and shining and seemingly oh-so-innocent.
Oh, but Kisame loved 'molding young minds.'
"Bend over," the shark-man growled, and without warning he was on the lad, overpowering him and pinning him to a tree. He ripped down his struggling student's pants, freed his own hugely erect member, and positioned himself for a brutal entry.
Just the way he liked it.
He took a deep anticipatory breath, and then thrust forward.
Immediately, he knew that something was wrong. This wasn't the rape he had been looking forward to ever since he realized that Suigetsu had almost reached a new level... this was... this was...
This was comfortable - nice, even. There was no sensation of dry, painfully tight flesh spastically clenching around his cock.
He thrust again into Suigetsu's slick, relaxed, slightly cool-in-temperature ass, already losing his taste for it. He lost all taste for it when Suigetsu looked back over his shoulder, baring his prominent fang in a proud smile almost toothy as one of Kisame's best, as if to ask, 'Am I doing it right, sensei?'
Kisame sighed in disappointment and resigned himself to a nice, leisurely buttfuck.
Damn Suigetsu and his multi-purpose water jutsu.
He just hoped he could keep it up until he was done.
END
(Because Suigetsu may be one of the only characters in Naruto with a self-lubricating anus. Kinky, kinky Kishi!)
4: Muffin
Tobi ripped his mask off with a flourish, revealing a scarred, but mightily handsome, sparkling face.
"Oh, Tobi, you're so... so handsome!" Ibiki exclaimed in a rapturous voice never before heard from that scarred beast of a man.
"I want to make sweet fucking love to you," the Akatsuki's powerful-but-sensitive secret mastermind breathed breathily, teleporting instantly to the super-torture-expert's side.
"Take me," said interrogator-extraordinaire screamed, ripping open his shirt to reveal gleaming abs and pectoral muscles that you could crush walnuts on.
"Oh, Ibiki," growled the unmasked man. He skimmed his leather-clad hands down the heaving plane of the scarred interrogation expert's torso, then paused when he reached the heavy buckle of the man's belt.
"Tobi," Ibiki exclaimed, impatient with the mysterious Akatsuki member's teasing caresses. His pole was pulsing relentlessly in his pants, and he felt like any minute it would rip the thin fabric in its desperation to be freed.
"Relax, beautiful," the man who may or may not be Obito whispered, placing a sweet kiss on a tanned, scarred cheek.
"Oh, Tobi," Ibiki moaned, shivering under the passionate caresses of those leather-gloved hands. He arched his back and reached for that mass of black hair... some would call it fuzzy, some would call it pointy... but he called it sensual and wild. Digging his fingers deeply into that tangled mess, the scarred hulk whispered a confession:
"Tobi, I've... I've never done this before. Please be gentle."
A look of pure adoration washed over Tobi(who could still be Obito... we're just not sure...)'s face.
"Oh, Ibiki-chan," he cooed, playfully upending the bulky man so that Ibiki landed on his back with his legs in the air. "I would never, ever hurt you, muffin."
(That's where this thing started. There was that, and then y!gallery's kristal drew this picture of Tobi/Ibiki . Then there were cracky comments. Then kristal drew this picture of Gaystripper!Kakashi. More cracky comments. And then this fic was written.
5:
Tobi slid his arm around his date's broad shoulders and motioned for the scantily-clad waiter to bring them another round. He was going all out, tonight - no expenses would be spared on this night, exactly one month after he had first proclaimed his eternal love for the sensitive and rather frightening man at his side.
Their drinks arrived, and Tobi moved his straw to his fresh drink, and took a long, deep sip of the fruity alcoholic beverage that he was partial to. Ibiki threw back half of his whiskey sour, and Tobi smiled under his mask. It looked like his Ibiki-chan was going to get drunk tonight... a warm glow of pleasant anticipation swirled around and mixed with the rum in his belly. Ibiki was so playful and adorable when he was drunk.
Tobi couldn't wait to get home.
He was about to suggest to his scarred lover that they call it an early night, when suddenly the lights dimmed, and a varicolored, swirling spotlight drew all eyes to the walkway in the middle of the establishment. His suggestion died on his lips when a long, pale, figure stepped out from behind the curtains to the strains of a catchy, booty-shaking tune.
Ibiki clutched at his thigh and drained the rest of his drink, and Tobi smiled even wider. Ahhh... watching this dancer always made Konoha's resident torture expert horny.
The masked Akatsuki member leaned back and let Ibiki's hand roam freely over his thighs; his eyes were just as captivated by the fluid movements of the dancer as his lovers' were.
Kakashi swirled around the pole at center stage, then scaled it hand over hand, until he was nearly at the top. He paused there, the strain obvious in his perfectly-formed muscles, letting the patrons drink in his pale, oiled skin, his gorgeous body covered by only a scrap of rainbow-pattern fabric over his face, a heart-breakingly tiny, matching thong, and shiny, knee-high black boots.
As Ibiki's hand inched closer to his lover's straining erection, Kakashi slid back down the pole, spinning, arching his head back so that silver hair flared out and caught all the different colors of the swirling spotlight.
He landed in a graceful split, and Ibiki groped lustily at Tobi's package.
"Oh, Ibiki-chan..." Tobi whispered, barely audible over the pounding bass and inspiring lyrics of Kakashi's trademark song.
That girl so scandalous
And I know another nigga can't handle it
And she shakin' that thing like who's the ish
With a look in her eyes so devilish
Both men stared wide-eyed at Kakashi, who was doing something flexible and arousing, something that made even his hard shinobi ass jiggle. Ibiki moaned low in his throat and squeezed harder on his masked lover's rod.
"Oh, Ibiki, I love you!" Tobi exclaimed in a louder voice, nuzzling against the inquisitioner's creased cheek.
"Oh, Tobi," the scarred hulk growled, pressing himself against his lover's side.
"Dance for me, my love," Tobi whispered, and Ibiki moaned lustfully in his ear, then kicked the table away, breaking glasses and scattering a few of the closer patrons.
Facing the stage, Konoha's most intimidating man straddled the cloak-wearing, masked missing-nin and began a sexy dance in time with the music. Kakashi made eye contact with him from the stage, gave him an encouraging nod, as if to say, "Nice moves, buddy," and that gave Ibiki the courage to turn around and dry-hump his wonderful, sensitive boyfriend.
"I like it when the beat goes," he mouthed in a sultry, gravelly growl, grinding his crotch down.
"Duh dun duh," Tobi finished for him, staring up at that handsome, scarred visage with complete adoration radiating from his one eye hole.
They were made for each other.
It was True Love.
END
.
Titles: Revenge is sweet; Girly; Nice, Even; Muffin; and True Love
Characters (in alphabetical order): Baki, Genma, Ibiki, Itachi, Kakashi, Kankurou, Kisame, Suigetsu, Tobi
Rating: Definitely NC-17
Warnings: Where to start... OOCness, anal, inappropriate use of jutsu, poledancing, lapdancing, non-con, awkward patting, situational cockblocking (poor Kisame ^_^), possible very bad humor, use of the phrase "nice, leisurely buttf*ck," body modification (?)
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, though Kishimoto might not want them back, now. I also do not own "The Thong Song."
1: Revenge is sweet.
Genma gripped sturdy, tanned hips tighter and thrust his cock deep into the body bent over before him. The Sand-nin writhing underneath him made a muffled, pained noise through his gag, and Genma grinned widely.
Revenge was sweet. Revenge was so... nhhh... fucking... oh, god yes... sweet.
"Grnmurn?" mumbled the bent-over form through the wet fabric of the gag. He sounded upset.
"Shut UP, BAKI!" Genma growled, reaching down to push that slowly swiveling head face-down onto the mattress. "Just... shut up and... mmmhh..."
Genma paused to piston into his victim's hot, shaking ass a few times, groaning at the heat flaring in his belly. He was so close... Just a few more seconds...
"Grrrnnn!!" his victim protested, struggling. Genma pressed harder against the back of the man's head.
"Shut the fuck up, Baki! This is what you--- Ahhh!!! what you fucking... oh, FUCK..." Genma gritted his teeth and slammed into the Sand-nin's body one last time, then shouted out his release as his seed poured out into shivering insides.
Sated and satisfied, he withdrew slowly and patted the other man on the back.
Kankurou sat up and glared at the Leaf nin. He reached under his knee and found the senbon that had been stabbing him so uncomfortably, then tore Baki's ridiculous headdress off and threw it across the room.
"You see this?" the puppet-master demanded, holding the long needle in front of Genma's face.
"Sorry," Genma grinned, not penitent in the least, but rather enjoying the sight of an angry, naked, paintless Kankurou.
"I told you, I'll take part in whatever sick, twisted revenge fantasties you have, but stop when I fucking say to stop, asshole! And stop leaving these goddamn things in your bed," Kankurou grumbled, tossing the senbon across the room.
"I said I'm sorry, baby," Genma purred, reaching out for the Sand shinobi. "Come here and let me make it up to you."
"Blowjob?" Kankurou suggested hopefully, his anger already starting to evaporate.
"Blowjob," Genma nodded.
END
2: Girly
Kisame studied the body bent over before him, ran his hands down the slender, shirtless back of his partner. Always so cold and distant before, Itachi was finally letting him get close. Who knew all it would take was a few drugs slipped in his sake?
Licking his thin lips, the shark man snickered softly as he slid Itachi's pants down over his slender, some would even say girly, if they were certain the murderous Uchiha was far, far away, hips.
Kisame chuckled as he parted those pale, fleshy globes to see the hole he'd be slipping his dick into shortly.
"Girly," he said.
"Wha?" Itachi slurred, giving him a hazy look over his shoulder. Shit - I didn't know he was awake, Kisame thought, and quickly formed a plan to distract the teenager.
It was a simple plan - he reached between those slightly parted, skinny thighs and groped for... for....
"What the FUCK, Itachi?!?" he asked in disgusted confusion. No penis... no cock... he could almost believe that Itachi was a girl, but there was nothing there, not even a... he couldn't even think it.
To his immense surprise, the Uchiha burst into tears.
"I lost it," Itachi wailed.
At a loss, Kisame rubbed his hand awkwardly over the younger man's protruding spine.
"It's okay, Tachi-kun, I have two. We can share?" he offered lamely.
He was surprised again when Itachi rocketed up off the bed and wrapped his arms around Kisame's neck, planting a sloppy kiss directly on his gills.
"Oh, I love you Kisame!"
END
(I don't know if that'll be funny to anyone... there's a running joke between myself and a friend that Itachi's been missing his penis for years, that he lost it in one of several embarrassing or painful ways. Well, on to the next one...)
3: Nice, Even.
"You're almost ready for advancement," Kisame grinned, hiding his chuckle behind his second row of teeth.
Suigetsu looked up at him hopefully from his seat on the carpet of grass and wildflowers and gripped the handle of his oversized sword.
"What else do I need to do, sensei?" the pale-haired young man asked, his aqua eyes big and shining and seemingly oh-so-innocent.
Oh, but Kisame loved 'molding young minds.'
"Bend over," the shark-man growled, and without warning he was on the lad, overpowering him and pinning him to a tree. He ripped down his struggling student's pants, freed his own hugely erect member, and positioned himself for a brutal entry.
Just the way he liked it.
He took a deep anticipatory breath, and then thrust forward.
Immediately, he knew that something was wrong. This wasn't the rape he had been looking forward to ever since he realized that Suigetsu had almost reached a new level... this was... this was...
This was comfortable - nice, even. There was no sensation of dry, painfully tight flesh spastically clenching around his cock.
He thrust again into Suigetsu's slick, relaxed, slightly cool-in-temperature ass, already losing his taste for it. He lost all taste for it when Suigetsu looked back over his shoulder, baring his prominent fang in a proud smile almost toothy as one of Kisame's best, as if to ask, 'Am I doing it right, sensei?'
Kisame sighed in disappointment and resigned himself to a nice, leisurely buttfuck.
Damn Suigetsu and his multi-purpose water jutsu.
He just hoped he could keep it up until he was done.
END
(Because Suigetsu may be one of the only characters in Naruto with a self-lubricating anus. Kinky, kinky Kishi!)
4: Muffin
Tobi ripped his mask off with a flourish, revealing a scarred, but mightily handsome, sparkling face.
"Oh, Tobi, you're so... so handsome!" Ibiki exclaimed in a rapturous voice never before heard from that scarred beast of a man.
"I want to make sweet fucking love to you," the Akatsuki's powerful-but-sensitive secret mastermind breathed breathily, teleporting instantly to the super-torture-expert's side.
"Take me," said interrogator-extraordinaire screamed, ripping open his shirt to reveal gleaming abs and pectoral muscles that you could crush walnuts on.
"Oh, Ibiki," growled the unmasked man. He skimmed his leather-clad hands down the heaving plane of the scarred interrogation expert's torso, then paused when he reached the heavy buckle of the man's belt.
"Tobi," Ibiki exclaimed, impatient with the mysterious Akatsuki member's teasing caresses. His pole was pulsing relentlessly in his pants, and he felt like any minute it would rip the thin fabric in its desperation to be freed.
"Relax, beautiful," the man who may or may not be Obito whispered, placing a sweet kiss on a tanned, scarred cheek.
"Oh, Tobi," Ibiki moaned, shivering under the passionate caresses of those leather-gloved hands. He arched his back and reached for that mass of black hair... some would call it fuzzy, some would call it pointy... but he called it sensual and wild. Digging his fingers deeply into that tangled mess, the scarred hulk whispered a confession:
"Tobi, I've... I've never done this before. Please be gentle."
A look of pure adoration washed over Tobi(who could still be Obito... we're just not sure...)'s face.
"Oh, Ibiki-chan," he cooed, playfully upending the bulky man so that Ibiki landed on his back with his legs in the air. "I would never, ever hurt you, muffin."
(That's where this thing started. There was that, and then y!gallery's kristal drew this picture of Tobi/Ibiki . Then there were cracky comments. Then kristal drew this picture of Gaystripper!Kakashi. More cracky comments. And then this fic was written.
5:
Tobi slid his arm around his date's broad shoulders and motioned for the scantily-clad waiter to bring them another round. He was going all out, tonight - no expenses would be spared on this night, exactly one month after he had first proclaimed his eternal love for the sensitive and rather frightening man at his side.
Their drinks arrived, and Tobi moved his straw to his fresh drink, and took a long, deep sip of the fruity alcoholic beverage that he was partial to. Ibiki threw back half of his whiskey sour, and Tobi smiled under his mask. It looked like his Ibiki-chan was going to get drunk tonight... a warm glow of pleasant anticipation swirled around and mixed with the rum in his belly. Ibiki was so playful and adorable when he was drunk.
Tobi couldn't wait to get home.
He was about to suggest to his scarred lover that they call it an early night, when suddenly the lights dimmed, and a varicolored, swirling spotlight drew all eyes to the walkway in the middle of the establishment. His suggestion died on his lips when a long, pale, figure stepped out from behind the curtains to the strains of a catchy, booty-shaking tune.
Ibiki clutched at his thigh and drained the rest of his drink, and Tobi smiled even wider. Ahhh... watching this dancer always made Konoha's resident torture expert horny.
The masked Akatsuki member leaned back and let Ibiki's hand roam freely over his thighs; his eyes were just as captivated by the fluid movements of the dancer as his lovers' were.
Kakashi swirled around the pole at center stage, then scaled it hand over hand, until he was nearly at the top. He paused there, the strain obvious in his perfectly-formed muscles, letting the patrons drink in his pale, oiled skin, his gorgeous body covered by only a scrap of rainbow-pattern fabric over his face, a heart-breakingly tiny, matching thong, and shiny, knee-high black boots.
As Ibiki's hand inched closer to his lover's straining erection, Kakashi slid back down the pole, spinning, arching his head back so that silver hair flared out and caught all the different colors of the swirling spotlight.
He landed in a graceful split, and Ibiki groped lustily at Tobi's package.
"Oh, Ibiki-chan..." Tobi whispered, barely audible over the pounding bass and inspiring lyrics of Kakashi's trademark song.
That girl so scandalous
And I know another nigga can't handle it
And she shakin' that thing like who's the ish
With a look in her eyes so devilish
Both men stared wide-eyed at Kakashi, who was doing something flexible and arousing, something that made even his hard shinobi ass jiggle. Ibiki moaned low in his throat and squeezed harder on his masked lover's rod.
"Oh, Ibiki, I love you!" Tobi exclaimed in a louder voice, nuzzling against the inquisitioner's creased cheek.
"Oh, Tobi," the scarred hulk growled, pressing himself against his lover's side.
"Dance for me, my love," Tobi whispered, and Ibiki moaned lustfully in his ear, then kicked the table away, breaking glasses and scattering a few of the closer patrons.
Facing the stage, Konoha's most intimidating man straddled the cloak-wearing, masked missing-nin and began a sexy dance in time with the music. Kakashi made eye contact with him from the stage, gave him an encouraging nod, as if to say, "Nice moves, buddy," and that gave Ibiki the courage to turn around and dry-hump his wonderful, sensitive boyfriend.
"I like it when the beat goes," he mouthed in a sultry, gravelly growl, grinding his crotch down.
"Duh dun duh," Tobi finished for him, staring up at that handsome, scarred visage with complete adoration radiating from his one eye hole.
They were made for each other.
It was True Love.
END
.