Learning to Fly
Part 1
When Junsu awoke the next morning, his very first thought was of the pain in his feet. It felt like he’d run a marathon on a pebbly beach. He sat up and groaned, immediately regretting it. It felt like there were a few pebbles rattling around in his head. Leaning back slightly, Junsu gingerly reached over to check the time on his cellphone. 10:30a.m. Eight missed calls from Yoochun. Five text messages.
junsu come back/you left your shoes, come back/are you okay?/don’t ignore me/call me when you get home, i’m worried.
Bits and pieces of the night before flooded back into Junsu’s brain. He winced with the pain of thinking, the memory of Jaejoong and then Yoochun and then kissing. Junsu licked his lips and swore he could still taste his best friend’s mouth. He felt sick.
i’m alive. he replied to Yoochun’s text quickly and then turned his phone off. Turning over, the queasy feeling only intensified and Junsu squeezed his eyes closed, focusing on breathing deeply. He most definitely did not focus on how he missed Yoochun already.
-
“The wanderer returns!”
Junsu cringed at the sound of Yoochun’s voice behind him. He quickly stuffed some books into his locker and slammed the door shut. Taking a deep breath, Junsu turned to face Yoochun with a dazzling smile. “Hey.”
“What happened to you the other night? You just took off and then I couldn’t get through to you,” Yoochun said, falling in step with Junsu as they walked towards the cafeteria for lunch.
Junsu had managed to avoid Yoochun all morning. Apparently Lady Luck wasn’t on his side for very long. He didn’t miss the way Yoochun wouldn’t look at him as he spoke. Junsu shrugged in reply.
Yoochun continued, “You know, about what happened, I think we should-“
“Oh man, I was so wasted!” Junsu cut in, trying his best to smile brightly. He was sure it looked fake as anything. “I woke up totally sick. What did I even drink? I can’t remember anything!”
Yoochun looked across at him sharply. Junsu found he was holding his breath, terrified of being forced into talking about something he wasn’t ready for. He let out a silent sigh of relief when Yoochun’s face softened and he looked away, laughing softly. “You were pretty drunk,” Yoochun said. “I had to heave you up off the floor at one point.”
Junsu blushed from the memory. He didn’t want to know what Yoochun probably thought of him. Drunk one minute, kissing him the next and then running away. Scratching his neck awkwardly, Junsu said, “So how many girls did you make out with then? Pick anyone up?” He tried to smile properly.
Yoochun looked across at him again and shrugged. Junsu felt his heart go a bit funny as their eyes made contact. “No one special,” Yoochun said quietly. Junsu’s smile faltered and he hated that the words stung. He nearly jumped a mile in the air when Jaejoong’s face appeared between them and a heavy weight clapped him on the shoulder.
“Hey, how’s the happy couple?” Jaejoong practically yelled. Junsu stumbled a bit from the weight of both Jaejoong’s body and his words.
Yoochun shrugged Jaejoong off irritably. “You should stop talking about us like that, hyung,” he muttered. “It’s stupid. I’ll see you later, Junsu.” He walked off ahead of them without so much as a backward glance.
Junsu didn’t realise he’d stopped walking until Jaejoong nudged him further along the hallway. “Why did you say that?” he half-snapped, turning to face Jaejoong.
Jaejoong stepped back and frowned. “But I thought… I know you said you weren’t going to tell him, but you looked so close just now.”
“That’s because he’s my best friend,” Junsu said incredulously. “And now you’ve put him in a bad mood.”
Jaejoong stared at the hallway Yoochun had disappeared down. “I know. He never gets that pissed off with me.” He twisted back and studied Junsu with suspicion. “Did something happen between you two?”
“No,” Junsu lied. “You should stop going on about it because now you’ve annoyed Yoochun as well.”
Jaejoong blinked and Junsu wanted to slap himself for the flicker of hurt in his friend’s eyes. “Sorry,” Jaejoong said. “Are you going to go after him? Or if you want to talk, I’m always-“
“Just leave it!” Junsu hissed, mindful of the other students around them. “Nothing happened. Forget I said anything to you, okay? I was drunk and talking crap.” He wanted to slap himself again immediately after speaking.
“Okay,” Jaejoong said quietly. He smiled and Junsu felt like the biggest bastard on the planet. “I’ll go bug Yunho. Bye, Junsu.”
Junsu watched him leave and cursed himself silently. “Hyung,” he tried to call out, but Jaejoong was too far away to hear him.
He was definitely never drinking again.
-
When Junsu got home from school that day, it was like sweet relief. He’d not really seen Yoochun or Jaejoong since the little mishap at lunch. It was weird being by himself, Junsu thought uncomfortably. He’d not really spent a school afternoon without Yoochun since… ever. He shook his head to try and clear his thoughts away.
”It’s okay.”
Junsu sighed at the memory and picked up his clarinet from the stand. They had a practice after school the next day and he hadn’t played at all over the weekend. The game was on Friday and they had to be prepared. He set his metronome going and began to play.
That night, Junsu dreamt about dark, dark rooms and the taste of Yoochun’s mouth. Yoochun was pressed up against him, laughing in his ear and sliding a hand into Junsu’s pants. Junsu arched into the touch, turning his head to kiss Yoochun’s neck, jaw, mouth. “It’s okay,” Yoochun whispered. Junsu moaned and pushed his hips towards Yoochun over and over and over until-
-he woke up with a start, sitting up in bed and gasping for air. Looking down at his crotch, Junsu groaned and rolled over moodily. His libido had certainly picked a fine time to show itself. But even as he tried to sleep, all he could think about was how warm Yoochun was, even in dreams.
-
“Ready for practice?” Changmin asked, walking alongside Junsu towards the music department.
Junsu nodded and fixed Changmin with a bright smile. “Always ready, Major Shim.”
Changmin snorted and punched him on the shoulder. “Brown nosing will get you nowhere, Junsu,” he said lightly. Junsu watched his expression morph into a frown as they entered the practice room. Jaejoong was arguing loudly with one of the trumpets. “Why do I even put up with him?” Changmin sighed.
“Because he’s got the face of an angel and he keeps the girls coming to band?” Junsu suggested, tongue-in-cheek.
Changmin spared him a withering glance and then strode off to sort Jaejoong out. Junsu laughed. Then he noticed Yoochun talking to Yunho and the laugh died on his lips. Images from his dream flooded into his brain and Junsu blushed fiercely. He watched Yoochun run his fingers along the keys of his saxophone and a spark of firecracker lust made Junsu’s stomach twist.
“Junsu?”
Junsu jumped as a tentative hand touched his arm. He turned and smiled shakily when Jaejoong smiled at him. “Jaejoong-hyung.”
“You okay?” Jaejoong asked, concern furrowing his brow. “You’ve gone all red.”
Junsu tried to control his blush and shrugged. “I’m okay. Look, I’m sorry for snapping at you yesterday. I was just…” he trailed off, eyes drifting once again to Yoochun who was laughing at something Yunho said.
Jaejoong took Junsu’s hand and pulled him away. Junsu followed, ignoring the crease of sympathy on Jaejoong’s face. “It’s fine,” Jaejoong dismissed. He let go of Junsu’s hand and smiled again. “You were right. It’s not fair of me to keep saying stuff like that. I’ll stop interfering.”
Junsu didn’t reply. Words were failing him as Yoochun walked over to join them. Junsu set about putting his clarinet together, focusing all his attentions on not scratching or splitting the reed.
“Sup,” Yoochun said, easing around one of the music stands to flop into the seat next to Junsu.
“That’s not where you sit,” Junsu said. Yoochun leant into him slightly and Junsu found himself instantly awkward and fidgety. He couldn’t stop thinking about kissing Yoochun on that dark sidewalk.
Jaejoong must have noticed how uncomfortable Junsu was. “You better shift, Yoochun,” he whispered, pointing across the room. “I think Shim wants to get things started.
Yoochun glanced across the room and rolled his eyes. “That kid’s a slave driver, I swear. He’s not even the director,” he said, smiling at Junsu. He winked and Junsu tightened his ligature so hard that his reed snapped down the middle. “Careful!” Yoochun admonished.
Junsu tried his best not to scowl as he quickly changed the reed. He was more annoyed at his own lack of self control than at Yoochun.
“Hey,” Yoochun murmured, “you okay?” He reached out to touch Junsu’s shoulder but Junsu twisted and Yoochun’s hand touched his cheek instead. Junsu’s breath hitched despite himself.
“Yes,” he said simply, trying to simultaneously smile and frown. “Just thinking about practice.”
Yoochun nodded and took his hand away. He shrugged and shuffled along a few seats to where he sat with the other saxophones. Junsu inwardly sighed in relief. Being so awkward around Yoochun was freaking him out, never mind the stupid dream that wouldn’t stop replaying in his head.
“See you later,” Jaejoong said, standing up. His expression clearly read: I don’t buy your lies, boy.
Junsu managed to relax as everyone filed into their seats. The girl next to him smiled and Junsu was able to give her a genuine smile back.
As they began to play, Junsu lost himself in the music all around him. He immersed himself in the sheet music in front of him, concentrating on playing all the right notes. He loved the way music fitted together, the way different instruments could harmonise and sound so smooth.
Halfway through the second piece, Junsu felt the unease of someone watching him. He turned his head slightly, despite knowing exactly who was watching. As soon as his gaze locked with Yoochun’s smiling eyes, Junsu couldn’t look away. Yoochun barely blinked, made no other acknowledgement of Junsu. He didn’t miss a single note. Junsu tried to play on, half-distracted by Yoochun’s lips around the mouthpiece, the slide of his fingers over the instrument. The saxophones had a break in the piece. Yoochun slipped the instrument from his mouth and licked his lips. The air rushed out of Junsu’s lungs. Their eyes were still locked and the intensity was squeezing his insides tight. He tried to breath and pressed his fingers down too hard, a stream of bum notes squeaking out of his instrument. Mortified, he yanked the clarinet away from himself and looked at the floor.
Junsu was used to improvising when he was distracted, but Yoochun was the only person who had ever stopped him playing.
“Okay, stop,” the director half-yelled. “I don’t know what’s going on but everyone take ten to sort yourselves out. Kim, go take a walk and think about your dedication to this band.”
Junsu felt his face burning with shame. He put the clarinet down carefully and picked his way across the cases and stands scattered across the floor. Once outside the room, he slumped against the wall and sighed loudly. The door opened next to him and Junsu looked across warily. His mouth twisted when Jaejoong’s head poked out.
“What’s going on, Junsu? And don’t try to tell me you’re fine, because that little stunt you pulled in there proves that you’re not.”
Junsu pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll tell you, but not here.” He let his arms fall to his sides and nodded towards an empty practice room opposite. “In there, we’ve only got ten minutes.”
Once inside the room, Jaejoong sat on a piano bench and looked at Junsu. “Spill.”
“I kissed him,” Junsu blurted out, wincing even as he said it. “At the party. I told him I didn’t like you and then I kissed him. How could I have been so stupid?”
Jaejoong’s face softened. “Did he kiss you back?”
“Yes,” Junsu answered, startled by the unexpected reaction. “But that’s not the point. He was drunk. I was wasted. He probably just kissed back because it’s second nature to him.”
“What happened after you kissed him?”
Junsu closed his eyes and swallowed hard. “I ran away. He kept saying how it was okay but it wasn’t, not when we were drunk at some party. That’s not how I want to kiss him.” He opened his eyes and stared at a spot on the wall. “I told him I didn’t remember what happened.”
“Oh, Junsu,” Jaejoong muttered, standing up to hug Junsu. “I was watching you all practice,” he whispered into Junsu’s hair. “You’re all over the place today, going to pieces whenever Yoochun looks at you.”
“Don’t remind me,” Junsu pleaded. He pushed Jaejoong away. “I hate being like this around him. I just want to be his best friend and hang out and… I sound like a girl. How does he do this to me?”
Jaejoong chuckled. “Because you like him? You’re like two halves of a whole, you and Yoochun. I know I said I’d stop, but are you sure he didn’t kiss back because he wanted to?”
“Jaejoong,” Junsu warned. “I can’t think of that. I just want things to go back to normal. I don’t want to dream about him and then blush every time he talks to me.”
Jaejoong made a noise of frustration and then sighed. “Of course. I understand, I do. Look, if you want some normality then I’m having some people over tomorrow evening to do homework. By which I mean to play videogames and eat junk food.”
Junsu laughed, surprised when it came naturally. “Is Yoochun going to be there?”
“Yes.” Jaejoong smiled and moved towards the door. He paused as his fingers touched the handle. “Just tell me this… in spite of the setting, was it a good kiss?”
Junsu remembered Yoochun’s arms around him, the warmth of his mouth. “Yes,” he whispered. “It was the perfect first kiss.”
-
Junsu met Yunho on the way to Jaejoong’s house the day after. It was nice to catch up after a few days of not really talking to anyone except Jaejoong. Yunho told him about the girl he was thinking of asking out. Junsu refused to acknowledge the pang of something in his gut. He smiled at Yunho and said he should go for it.
“So where have you been hiding?” Yunho asked as they turned a final corner before Jaejoong’s house. “I haven’t seen much of you this week.”
Junsu shrugged. “I’ve just been caught up thinking about the game on Friday. I don’t want to mess up like I did in practice yesterday.”
Yunho pulled him into an awkward half-hug as they walked. “You’ll be fine, Junsu. You’re one of the most talented musicians I know. Well, you and Yoochun.”
“Don’t let Jaejoong hear you say that,” Junsu joked.
“Let me hear you say what?” Jaejoong said, leaning out of his front door as they approached the house.
“Yunho hyung said that I’m better looking,” Junsu said gravely. “Sorry, Jaejoong.”
Jaejoong laughed behind one hand and waved them in. “I think I can accept defeat to you, sweet cheeks.”
“Who are you calling sweet cheeks?” Yoochun mumbled, wandering out of Jaejoong’s kitchen and sucking moodily on the straw in a juicebox. Junsu had to stop himself from smiling at the adorable image it made.
“Junsu,” Jaejoong answered. “Yunho thinks he’s good looking, apparently.”
“Ha!” Yoochun exclaimed, separating himself from the juicebox. “Junsu is ugly and he knows it. Come on, I’ve got the X-Box set up and I’m going to kick your sorry little ass.”
Junsu grinned as he toed his shoes off. “You’re on, loser. Get ready for the beating of the century.”
Jaejoong hassled Yunho into the kitchen to get a drink and Junsu settled down next to Yoochun. Needless to say, he completely destroyed Yoochun three times in a row and even managed to top Jaejoong’s high score.
“He’s going to kill you for that,” Yoochun said, seemingly cheering up at the thought of Junsu’s demise, despite his own defeat. “It was nice knowing you.”
Junsu kicked Yoochun in the foot. “Whatever.” Yoochun kicked Junsu back and stuck his tongue out. Junsu snorted and pushed him. “You’re stupid.”
Yoochun pushed back and in evolved into a full-on playfight. Junsu yelled as Yoochun smacked him in the face with a cushion. He thought back to that night the week before and smiled to himself. In less than a week, he’d missed being stupid with Yoochun more than he imagined. He twisted around and tickled Yoochun’s ribs, right where they were the most sensitive and Yoochun would curl up and giggle himself silly.
“Sneaky!” Yoochun gasped, trying to wriggle away from Junsu. He shoved at Junsu with his shoulder and Junsu fell flat back on the couch. “Leave me aloooone,” Yoochun whined pitifully. He tried to escape Junsu’s grasp. His foot got caught the hem of his pant leg and Junsu watched in suddenly-horrified slow motion as Yoochun fell on top of him. The impact of Yoochun’s weight knocked the air out of his lungs.
Junsu coughed and Yoochun pushed himself up on one hand. Junsu felt a puff of air against his cheek and then he looked up to find Yoochun’s face very close to his own. Yoochun had the deepest eyes Junsu had ever seen. They were dark and Junsu swore he could see tiny flecks of gold.
“Junsu,” Yoochun hummed.
Junsu lowered his gaze to Yoochun’s mouth. He could feel the rise and fall of their chests, was sure Yoochun could feel or hear his rapid heartbeat. He was talking, but all Junsu could focus on was the perfectly pink curve of Yoochun’s lower lip. I can’t help myself, he thought to himself, lifting his face up and closing his eyes, I hate you because I want you and I can’t help myself.
And then there was nothing but cold air running over his body as Yoochun scrambled up. Junsu’s eyes flew open, embarrassment and fear washing over him. Yoochun ran a hand through his hair and fled the room before Junsu could even begin to explain.
When Jaejoong came in, he took one look at Junsu with his face buried in the couch and sighed. “This has got to stop,” he said quietly. “I’ll get you a soda.”
Junsu tried his very best to choke himself on the soft material, and refused to give in to the prickling behind his eyelids.
-
The day of the game sent a buzz of excitement through the school. Junsu had ignored Yoochun completely since the afternoon at Jaejoong’s house. The sting of humiliation was still too fresh in his mind. He chided himself bitterly for thinking that everything would be better after a few rounds on the X-Box. And to try kissing Yoochun again, after all the previous denial. Junsu was stupid and Yoochun was clearly anything but interested. Junsu wanted to erase the painful memory forever, but of course he couldn’t think of anything else. Jaejoong had comforted Junsu the best he could. Junsu was thankful for Jaejoong, who hadn’t told Yunho a single thing and just sent him home. Jaejoong who told Junsu that he had to talk to Yoochun about it before their friendship was damaged any further. Junsu didn’t want to do anything of the sort. He’d never been good at talking and the thought of talking about that made him feel sick to the stomach.
Junsu changed into his band uniform early and went to sit by the football field. He wanted to avoid as many people as possibly - one person in particular - before the game and the band performance. He stared across the field, absently pulling up handfuls of grass and scattering them around him. He knew highschool was meant to be hell, but he’d never imagined losing his best friend.
“Yunho told me he’d seen you out here.”
Junsu froze, torn blades of grass spilling slowly from his palm. Yoochun sat down next to him and stared up at the sky. Junsu didn’t dare breathe, let alone move.
“How are you?” Yoochun asked, lowering his head to look across at Junsu.
Junsu steadfastly stared at the ground. “Fine. You?”
“I’m not fine,” Yoochun sighed, “because you won’t talk to me.”
Junsu’s head jerked up in surprise. He looked at Yoochun and felt heat flush his face. “What do you mean? I’m talking to you right now. I’ve just-“
“Junsu,” Yoochun interrupted. “We need to sort this out.”
“There’s nothing to sort out,” Junsu said. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Don’t do that,” Yoochun said quietly. He hunched over his knees and picked at a thread on his jeans. “Don’t keep denying everything. We need to talk.”
Junsu hated the pull on his heart as he watched Yoochun. “We are talking.”
Yoochun’s fists clenched against his knees. “For heaven’s sake, Junsu. If you don’t want to talk for the sake of our friendship, then at least do it for band. We need to get on and we can’t afford any mistakes tonight.”
Junsu opened his mouth to protest, but found that he couldn’t. Yoochun was right, as much as he was loathe to admit it. If everything else went to pot, they at least had to communicate through music.
Yoochun stood up abruptly and extended his hand towards Junsu. Junsu blinked at him stupidly. “Come on,” Yoochun said. “We’re going to talk about this even if it kills us. But not here.”
Junsu batted Yoochun’s hand away but stood and followed Yoochun across the field. He raised an eyebrow when he saw where Yoochun was leading them. “The bleachers? Not exactly private.”
“No one’s out here,” Yoochun argued. “And it’s close enough in case we need to get back to band.”
Junsu rolled his eyes but cooperated as Yoochun ducked his head to sit under the bleachers. The ground was warm and dry. They sat opposite each other, knees barely kissing, and Junsu felt suddenly awkward all over again. There was silence for a few long minutes.
“Why did you kiss me at the party?” Yoochun questioned. His voice was low and soothing.
“I didn’t,” Junsu said out of sheer panic. “I told you I don’t remember anything. I was drunk.”
“Bullshit,” Yoochun spat. Junsu startled from the shock of Yoochun’s uncharacteristic anger. “I know you remember. Stop lying to me, Junsu. When did you start lying to me?”
Yoochun’s voice was so full of genuine anguish that Junsu couldn’t bring himself to lie anymore. He was tired of it and he wanted Yoochun back so much that it hurt. “Fine,” he admitted, “I kissed you. I wanted to kiss you. I was so mad that you thought I liked Jaejoong. So mad that you couldn’t see how much I liked you, so I just kissed you. I remember every single second of it because I didn’t feel drunk at all. Happy?” Junsu thought that he was going to throw up, or maybe pass out. Yoochun was deathly silent, only adding to Junsu’s anxiety. “Okay, well now that I just screwed everything up and we’ve talked, I’m going to go.” He made to stand up but was halted by Yoochun’s hand on his arm.
“Junsu, it’s okay.”
Junsu sat back down immediately. The weight of those words pushing down on him. “Why do you keep saying that?” he whispered. “How is it okay that I was your best friend and I kissed you? That I like you.”
“It’s okay,” Yoochun said loudly, “because I kissed you back. Because I like you too.”
Junsu stared at him in shock. “What?”
“I kissed you back, you freak.” Yoochun smiled and touched Junsu’s knee. “Didn’t you notice or something? I mean, you must have felt… you know.”
Junsu remembered groaning at the friction of their bodies. They both blushed. “Yeah,” he mumbled. “I did.” He tilted his head and frowned at Yoochun. “But you said you didn’t kiss anyone special. Then you ignored me, called me ugly and ran away when I tried to kiss you again. I’m just confused, Yoochun.”
Yoochun had the decency to look embarrassed. “I said I didn’t kiss any special girls, I think you’re gorgeous and I didn’t want to take advantage of you while you were still in denial.”
Junsu’s jaw nearly dropped. Mostly from indignation at being called ‘gorgeous’. “So you decided to just leave me there feeling humiliated?”
Yoochun’s face crumpled. “Junsu, I didn’t. That’s not what I meant to do at all. I just panicked. I wanted to kiss you so bad but I didn’t think I could bear it if you ran away from me again.”
Junsu rubbed his hands over his tired face. “This is so stupid,” he muttered through his fingers. “We should just forget it.” He jumped as Yoochun’s fingers pried at his own and laced them together, bringing their joined hands down to rest against their knees.
“You like me, right?” Yoochun inquired gently. Junsu nodded, a blush creeping up his neck. “And I like you. Is that worth forgetting?”
Junsu shrugged. “But what can we be, Yoochun? Friends with benefits? Boyfriends? Doesn’t it all sound a bit ridiculous? I couldn’t touch you in public.”
Yoochun’s grip tightened on Junsu’s hand. “I don’t want to be either of those things,” he said firmly.
“Well there you go,” Junsu said. He couldn’t help the sinking of his heart. “I guess we’re sorted.”
“No we’re not,” Yoochun countered, shaking his head. “I don’t want to be friends with benefits. I couldn’t treat you like that. And you’re right, boyfriend does sound a little ridiculous. There’d be no touching in public because I’d want to keep you all to myself in private.” He smiled and Junsu couldn’t help but mirror it.
“Then what are we?”
Yoochun’s smile grew sweeter. “I’m Park Yoochun and you’re Kim Junsu. At the base of everything, we’re best friends. But I want to be Kim Junsu’s Park Yoochun. And if you want to be Park Yoochun’s Kim Junsu, then that would be even better.”
Junsu laughed. “You’re so cheesy and disgusting.”
“Is that a yes?” Yoochun asked hopefully.
Junsu smiled. “I don’t know.”
Yoochun appeared to contemplate the answer for a second, then, “Can I kiss you?”
Junsu’s smile widened. “Yes.”
“Come here,” Yoochun requested. He pulled at Junsu until he was straddling Yoochun’s lap. “Kiss me like you did last week.”
Junsu closed his eyes and leant in. Yoochun’s mouth was just as warm and accommodating as he remembered. They kissed sweet and slow, learning new things about each other with every press of lip and tongue. Junsu slid his hands into Yoochun’s hair and tipped his head back, deepening the kiss. He pulled back and studied Yoochun seriously.
“Is that a yes?” Yoochun said, breathless.
Junsu pretended to think. “I guess so.”
Yoochun’s answering smile was so happy that Junsu could barely stand to see it. So instead, he kissed Yoochun again. And again, and again.
Later, as the band marched and played, Junsu glanced across at Yoochun. Their eyes met, faces smiling without their mouths. And all Junsu could think was, I get to kiss that mouth as much as I want. He supposed that getting hurt was worth it, because in the end, he had friendship.
And love.