a letter to my bryan
Have you ever loved someone so much, but hated them just as much at the same time?
I love you, Bryan, I really do, with all of my heart. You're my brother and my friend. We've always been close, you and I. Inseperable until I was 10 and you were 12. I miss those days. A lot. Back then, it was all about riding bikes, playing with Jasper, getting on Chris's nerves, and playing house (just admit that you used to play house with me, okay?).
As time went on, we grew apart some, though we did remain relatively close. I knew I could always come to you if I needed advice or had problems with icky boys. You've helped me through a lot and given me what wisdom Chris gave you. I'm thankful for those times we had together.
I don't know when everything changed. Maybe it was years ago, but I remained oblivious because I didn't want to admit to myself that my brother was changing. But when things with you became REALLY bad, I had to admit to myself that you weren't the same brother I had always known.
I know everything you've done isn't entirely your fault. I honestly believe you're bipolar like Dad and that you couldn't help some of the things you did. But come on, Bry, this has been going on for a long time now and you can only fall back on excuses for so long.
Drugs bring out the worst in people. I've experienced it. I've seen item after item disappear from my house. I've seen dollar after dollar disappear too. I've seen my brother, Bryan, go from being extremely happy to being almost scary in a matter of minutes. I've seen my oldest brother, Chris, hit Bryan for the torment he's put us through. I've seen my stepdad hit my mom while fighting about Bryan and his "issues". I've seen the police at my house numerous times over the hitting, too. I've heard my mom up all night screaming and crying and blaming herself for her son's failure. I've seen my family fall apart, piece by piece. I've stayed up all night crying. I've told my brother I hate him, even though I don't hate HIM, only what he's doing to us. I've wished I was never born. I've wished I could just sleep for the rest of my life. I've heard Bryan swear, time and again, that he'll get ::insert stolen item here:: back from whoever he sold it too. I've also seen that NEVER happen, not even once. I've heard Bryan deny, over and over again, that he's on heroin. I've seen him go to rehab and then sign himself out. I've seen Bryan ruin not only our lives, but his too.
It's funny. You never think something like this will happen to your family. It's one of those things you always hear about, but think "that will never happen to me", kind of like rape, murder, cancer, car accidents, etc. But guess what. All of those things are close to home, no matter who you are. You never know when your life will be turned upside down. And you never know when it will get better again.
I know I'm pretty lucky. I have a loving family, a loving boyfriend, I get good grades in school, I have a good job. But in the past couple of years, so much has happened to my family and I that no one would believe. I don't like to talk about things like this. This is one of those things you only tell your best friends, knowing they won't tell anyone. But guess what ... I don't have any best friends anymore, and I had to get this out, so here it is, for all of you to see.
So now you know. This is why I'm never around. This is why I'm not playing soccer this year. This is why I like to work a lot. This is why I've changed.
The worst part about all of this is just that: I've changed. I've let Bryan's antics change me. I've let them define who I am and who I'm going to be. I know that's wrong, but hey, that's life. I just hope that one day he'll get better.
I love you, Bryan, I really do, with all of my heart. You're my brother and my friend. We've always been close, you and I. Inseperable until I was 10 and you were 12. I miss those days. A lot. Back then, it was all about riding bikes, playing with Jasper, getting on Chris's nerves, and playing house (just admit that you used to play house with me, okay?).
As time went on, we grew apart some, though we did remain relatively close. I knew I could always come to you if I needed advice or had problems with icky boys. You've helped me through a lot and given me what wisdom Chris gave you. I'm thankful for those times we had together.
I don't know when everything changed. Maybe it was years ago, but I remained oblivious because I didn't want to admit to myself that my brother was changing. But when things with you became REALLY bad, I had to admit to myself that you weren't the same brother I had always known.
I know everything you've done isn't entirely your fault. I honestly believe you're bipolar like Dad and that you couldn't help some of the things you did. But come on, Bry, this has been going on for a long time now and you can only fall back on excuses for so long.
Drugs bring out the worst in people. I've experienced it. I've seen item after item disappear from my house. I've seen dollar after dollar disappear too. I've seen my brother, Bryan, go from being extremely happy to being almost scary in a matter of minutes. I've seen my oldest brother, Chris, hit Bryan for the torment he's put us through. I've seen my stepdad hit my mom while fighting about Bryan and his "issues". I've seen the police at my house numerous times over the hitting, too. I've heard my mom up all night screaming and crying and blaming herself for her son's failure. I've seen my family fall apart, piece by piece. I've stayed up all night crying. I've told my brother I hate him, even though I don't hate HIM, only what he's doing to us. I've wished I was never born. I've wished I could just sleep for the rest of my life. I've heard Bryan swear, time and again, that he'll get ::insert stolen item here:: back from whoever he sold it too. I've also seen that NEVER happen, not even once. I've heard Bryan deny, over and over again, that he's on heroin. I've seen him go to rehab and then sign himself out. I've seen Bryan ruin not only our lives, but his too.
It's funny. You never think something like this will happen to your family. It's one of those things you always hear about, but think "that will never happen to me", kind of like rape, murder, cancer, car accidents, etc. But guess what. All of those things are close to home, no matter who you are. You never know when your life will be turned upside down. And you never know when it will get better again.
I know I'm pretty lucky. I have a loving family, a loving boyfriend, I get good grades in school, I have a good job. But in the past couple of years, so much has happened to my family and I that no one would believe. I don't like to talk about things like this. This is one of those things you only tell your best friends, knowing they won't tell anyone. But guess what ... I don't have any best friends anymore, and I had to get this out, so here it is, for all of you to see.
So now you know. This is why I'm never around. This is why I'm not playing soccer this year. This is why I like to work a lot. This is why I've changed.
The worst part about all of this is just that: I've changed. I've let Bryan's antics change me. I've let them define who I am and who I'm going to be. I know that's wrong, but hey, that's life. I just hope that one day he'll get better.