the mind wanders.
what the hell is going on with me?
i was feeling pretty ok the beginning of the day... now its into the next day and i'm all bent out of shape. i don't get it.
it's school. it's work. it's my family. it's my life. little things compiled into something bigger and it's surfacing in the form of a panic attack at 3 o' clock in the morning.
school is next monday. i just enrolled two days ago. i don't think cal vet is covering me this semester so i'm gonna have to pay tuition and books this time around. my schedule is all over the place.
work is getting rough. yeah i decorate cakes but it gets boring and draining day after day. and it's like i've fallen into a pit now and even though i like the job, like the people i work with, pretty cool with the owner.. i wanna get away. but feel if i did then it would be like this betrayal to them. it's a wierd feeling really.
i don't know what's been going on as of recently.. i've heard messages, and doctor's appointments, and biopsy, and scan, and my dad, and i don't know anything at all. yesterday my parents decided to go to disneyland. they usually go for the mall or costco. but disneyland. in the middle of the week. so i caught up with them later in the afternoon.. the first thing when i met up with my parents was my dad hugged me. and its somewhat odd because we're not usually a hug on demand bunch.. and if it is, it's playful and such. but this hug was like time stopping. when we were in california adventures, sometimes when we were walking, my dad would reach down and hold my hand. and reflexively i held on and couldn't let go. i joked that i paid $40 (parking and block out ticket) to hang out with them that day but they more than made up for it.. getting me a $45 tinkerbell jacket and paying for dinner. usually i'd take a whine-fest and groveling but they did it like it was nothing. and that, for some reason, concerns me.
all these things are affecting me. i think of school and what's going to happen if something is wrong. i don't want to ask them for help when they might have their own problems to face. i can't work in my condition, but i should work to pay for the things i need. if something is going on, would i know how to handle it. i don't know if i want to. i don't know if i can.
i've always been the quiet, "strong" one.. but i'm so tired of being strong.. really i'm quite fragile. i guess i must be really good at concealing that. i want to break down and cry in front of someone just to show them that i can be vulnerable, i'm not as strong as they think. but i don't want to, just to prevent from showing that. they don't need to tell me anything, don't reverberate what i already know, just be here.
seriously.
i'm so burnt out now. but you're not supposed to know that. cause i'm tough. right.
i was feeling pretty ok the beginning of the day... now its into the next day and i'm all bent out of shape. i don't get it.
it's school. it's work. it's my family. it's my life. little things compiled into something bigger and it's surfacing in the form of a panic attack at 3 o' clock in the morning.
school is next monday. i just enrolled two days ago. i don't think cal vet is covering me this semester so i'm gonna have to pay tuition and books this time around. my schedule is all over the place.
work is getting rough. yeah i decorate cakes but it gets boring and draining day after day. and it's like i've fallen into a pit now and even though i like the job, like the people i work with, pretty cool with the owner.. i wanna get away. but feel if i did then it would be like this betrayal to them. it's a wierd feeling really.
i don't know what's been going on as of recently.. i've heard messages, and doctor's appointments, and biopsy, and scan, and my dad, and i don't know anything at all. yesterday my parents decided to go to disneyland. they usually go for the mall or costco. but disneyland. in the middle of the week. so i caught up with them later in the afternoon.. the first thing when i met up with my parents was my dad hugged me. and its somewhat odd because we're not usually a hug on demand bunch.. and if it is, it's playful and such. but this hug was like time stopping. when we were in california adventures, sometimes when we were walking, my dad would reach down and hold my hand. and reflexively i held on and couldn't let go. i joked that i paid $40 (parking and block out ticket) to hang out with them that day but they more than made up for it.. getting me a $45 tinkerbell jacket and paying for dinner. usually i'd take a whine-fest and groveling but they did it like it was nothing. and that, for some reason, concerns me.
all these things are affecting me. i think of school and what's going to happen if something is wrong. i don't want to ask them for help when they might have their own problems to face. i can't work in my condition, but i should work to pay for the things i need. if something is going on, would i know how to handle it. i don't know if i want to. i don't know if i can.
i've always been the quiet, "strong" one.. but i'm so tired of being strong.. really i'm quite fragile. i guess i must be really good at concealing that. i want to break down and cry in front of someone just to show them that i can be vulnerable, i'm not as strong as they think. but i don't want to, just to prevent from showing that. they don't need to tell me anything, don't reverberate what i already know, just be here.
seriously.
i'm so burnt out now. but you're not supposed to know that. cause i'm tough. right.