In which Sam needs to have someone close.
[Cowritten with scent_ofbooks.]
Both Sam and Bobby were coming up empty on trying to figure out where Dean was and as much as Sam wanted -- needed -- to see his brother, he wasn't doing so well with the waiting. He saw Hell every time he closed his eyes, and he knew that as much as Bobby would never say it, he was starting to get sick of tripping all over Sam. So Sam borrowed a car and started driving, and by the time he arrived on Alice's doorstep, he couldn't help but wonder what the hell he was doing.
It had been four months. Four months where he had been dead and he wouldn't have blamed her if she had moved on. He parked the car on the street across from her building, staring up at the windows and wondering how he was going to get in to the building, or wondering if he even should. This had suddenly become far more than anyone would have ever bargained for, and she didn't deserve to be drawn back into this life again. She deserved to be normal, or have normal, whatever the hell normal was. He didn't want her to get hurt, or to interfere with her life if he kept dying and coming back like he was.
Hell, he still didn't know what had brought him back.
But there was still a large part of him that wanted to see her. That wanted to see someone that could reassure him that he wasn't totally broken. That they could help fix him. Because Sam didn't know if he could on his own. So he took a breath and climbed out of the car, heading towards the building with measured strides that didn't look suspicious. After sweet-talking the guard and finding that for some reason, he was still on the guest list, he made his way up to Alice's apartment, hesitating only for a moment before knocking on the door.
Alice had hardly been herself in the months since Sam's death. She hadn't thought in the beginning that he would come to mean as much to her as he did. She hadn't thought she'd feel that kind of heartbreak...again. Dean had been attempting to keep in touch with her at first, after the initial visit he made to her to tell her what had happened. She really didn't want to talk to him, though, and sooner than later he quit trying.
Life had become more monotonous for her. She was really trying to get back up her feet, but aside from work at the library, she didn't get out much. So she was sitting home, reading a book, when the knock came at the door. She glanced up with a frown. No one would really be coming to see her. Cassidy was out of town, and her father would have called first. She tucked her bookmark into her book and got to her feet, then started for the door. She looked different than when Sam had last seen her. Her hair was longer, there were shadows under her eyes, and her bright Alice wardrobe had been traded in for sweats and ratty jeans.
She leaned close to the door. "Who is it?" She asked, her voice also having lost her character.
He was quiet for a moment, hesitating and not sure if he really wanted to go through with this, but now that he was here, he might as well. "It's Sam."
Alice frowned. She shook her head. "I'm sorry...who?"
Sam shifted so that he was bracing his hands against the door frame and taking a deep breath. "I know what Dean told you, but something happened -- it's really me, Alice. I swear."
She suddenly felt very dizzy. It sounded like Sam, but it really couldn't be. Dean said he had died. She knew some weird things existed around Sam and Dean, but no one could come back to life. "I don't believe you," she said softly, her voice shaking.
Sam sighed softly, letting his forehead rest against the door before speaking. "We met in the library. Dean and I were researching some unexplained deaths, and I had to check out a few books, so I fed you some cock and bull story about losing my library card, and told me that I was way too pretty to be named Edgar Bjornowitz." Her eyes closed at that memory and she leaned against the wall beside the door. She bit her lip. She wanted to believe him, but she just couldn't. Sam was quiet again for a moment, before taking a breath. "I know that this is probably too much. I shouldn't have come, I just -- I just wanted to see you. I missed you. So much. Just -- open the door? Please?"
Alice stood in the silence for a bit, before reaching a shaky hand to the door. She had the chain lock on, so she slowly pulled the door open as far as it would go. Enough to look out and see him. Her heart pounded and she wanted to cry. She shook her head. "This doesn't make sense."
"I know, I know it doesn't, but -- I'm here." He couldn't see her completely, but what he could see wasn't what he'd been hoping for. He'd hoped that he would get yelled at for intruding on her life. That she'd moved on and was happy and didn't need him. But seeing her falling apart like this was killing him and all he wanted to do was try and take it away. "I don't know who or what brought me back, but it did."
"How can I believe you're....real. And not...something...else?"
Sam paused for a minute, considering before looking back at her. "You have an holy water? Or a silver knife?"
She gave the slightest of chuckles, mixed with a snort - the closest he was going to get to old Alice at the moment. "Yeah, sure. Right with my garlic."
Sam smirked slightly, then thought for a moment. "Got any table salt?"
"Yeah...sure..." She slammed the door in his face and went for the kitchen, finding it hard to take steady steps. She made her way back to the front door and pulled it open just barely again, holding the salt shaker with a trembling hand.
Sam took it from her gently, before crouching down and starting to pour a thick line of salt across the doorway. "Demons can't cross salt lines. If I can step over it, I'm human, and it's really me." He stood up once he finished and looked up at her with hopeful eyes. "You're gonna have to open the door all the way though."
Alice remembered something about that from one of the times Sam told her a bit about their life. She chewed her lip and thought for a moment, before stepping back and letting the door open all the way. Now she was standing just a few feet from him, and he looked so real and so "Sam", and she just wanted to jump into his arms....but she waited. And she couldn't take her eyes off of him. Sam waited for the door to open, before taking a breath and stepping inside, over the salt line so that he was standing right in front of her, closing the door behind him. She was close enough to touch, but he didn't. Not at first. Just took a breath and waited for her to respond.
She took her breath in slowly, her hand coming up to her mouth. The tears that had been threatening started to spill down her cheeks. "I don't understand.." she murmured.
"Trust me, neither do I," he said with a bit of a laugh before starting to reach forward, to pull her closer. "But I'm here."
She watched his hands come towards her, and the second that he touched her, she fell into him and gripped on tightly. Sam wrapped his arms around her firmly, just pulling her close and melting into the feel of her body against his, not wanting to break down again like he did with Bobby. He wouldn't -- his control was a bit better now -- but it still felt almost too good to be true. Alice didn't even try. Her face buried itself in his shoulder and she cried. He just held her close, one hand coming up to rest against the back of her head lightly, keeping her there until she was cried out. When she couldn't cry anymore she pulled back to look at his face. Her hand cupped his cheek and she just studied his face.
Sam looked back at her, his thumb brushing against her cheek lightly. "I missed you so much."
"I missed you," she whispered. "I...didn't know I'd miss you that much."
He smiled, before leaning in to kiss her gently, his hand still cupping her face. A soft cry sounded in her throat when his lips met hers and her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, her body pushing tight against his. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, leaning in to the kiss and keep her close.
She kissed him until she couldn't breathe anymore, then she pulled back to run her fingers over his face again. "Do you need anything?"
Sam had an answer for that, not sure what to say exactly, but then it just started coming out. "You."
Heat ran through her body at that. "Are you sure...I mean...you're all in one piece?"
"All in one piece," he grinned. "And I'm pretty sure everything still works."
She reached out for his hands and started backing towards the couch, then sat down on it and pulled him with. "I hope so."
He smirked as he sat next to her, leaning in close to whisper in her ear. "Want me to prove it?"
She nodded with a slight shiver, and suddenly she felt self-conscious of what she was wearing and wondering when she had last showered... Sam didn't particularly care; all he cared about was that it was her. He ducked his head, starting to kiss her neck lightly, sliding an arm around her as he pulled her closer. And that made her forget everything else. She leaned into him, moving herself into his lap to get closer. Sam moved with her, pulling her in and just letting his hands relearn with what they already knew.
Alice moaned softly at the touch, leaning into him more. His hand slid over her clothes, starting to push them out of the way. He pulled her shirt over his head first, before moving his hand lower and letting them slide over bare skin, almost groaning at the change in sensation. Her hands moved up to grip onto his shoulders and she shifted against him leading his touch where she wanted it. He followed her lead, just letting his fingers skim over her skin lightly and pulling her in closer to him.
She leaned her lips in against his neck and murmured his name, breathing him in deeply. He turned his head, moving one hand up so that he could kiss her again, his free hand sliding over her back. She kissed him back slowly, before pulling away long enough to get his shirt over his head. Then she returned her lips to his and ran her hands down his chest. He moaned loudly at the touch. It had been so long since someone had touched him like this, and all it made him do was want more. His fingers tightened their grip on her, before pulling her in closer and kissing her harder.
She gasped and met his intensity, letting her hands slide down his waist. He shifted to give her better access, and let his hands move to the waistband of her pants, starting to push them off. She easily kicked out of them and started unzipping his, before moving her hand closer against him. His head fell back against the couch with a groan, his hips pressing up into her hand with a jerk. She kissed along his jaw, nipping slightly as she went. He shifted his hips again, moving to get his jeans off and on the floor, before pulling her in closer again, needing to feel skin against his.
She shifted with him, wrapping her arms around his neck, and moving in to kiss him again. He kissed her back, one arm tight around her while his hand started to push her hips down against his. She moved with him, just keeping as close as possible. He was so caught up in the sensations that it wasn't long before his body was tensing and relaxing his forehead falling forward to rest against her shoulder, and his fingers tracing slowly over her skin.
When he finally caught his breath again, his voice was soft and low. "I love you. I'm so sorry I left you alone."
She fell against him, holding on tight. She tucked her face into his neck. "I love you, too," she whispered.
His arms tightened around her, keeping her close. "Can I stay for a while? Is that okay?"
"Don't leave." She held on tighter. "Don't ever leave."
"Okay," he said softly, staying close. "I won't. I'm not going anywhere."
"Promise me." She sat up and looked into his eyes, her own begging. "Stay. Don't let me wake up and see this was a dream...just...be here. Every day."
He looked up at her, his hand brushing against her face, before nodding. "I will. I promise." Some part of his mind knew that it was a bit premature to be making that kind of promise, but as far as he was concerned, there was nowhere else he wanted to be. He didn't want to go back to hunting. He didn't want to go back to any of it. He just wanted to be here, with her, and have a life where he didn't have to worry about dying every second of every day.
Her hands held his face and softly stroked it. Her fingers moved through his hair. "Can...I feed you? Do you want to sleep?"
Sam watched her for a moment, before shaking his head. "Sleep is fine." Truth was, he had barely slept since he'd gotten back and he didn't know if he could now, but he should, and that was what mattered. "We can eat something later."
She nodded and slid off of him, getting to her feet. She took his hands to pull him with. "C'mon."
Sam got up and followed her lead, just letting her take over. When they got to her room, she pulled the covers back and crawled in. She curled up and looked up at him, holding her arm out for him. He crawled in after her, curling up around her and burying his face against her shoulder.
Her arm went around her and she just rubbed his back slowly, pressing a kiss against his head. "Get some sleep," she murmured. "You're home now." He nodded and closed his eyes, slowly dropping off into an uneasy but deep sleep.
Alice didn't sleep. She watched him sleep and slept close, but she didn't sleep because she didn't want to wake up to find him gone. It didn't take long for the nightmares to hit and he started to toss and turn slightly. She jumped slightly, but moved close again and and tried to hold onto him. "Sssh. Sssh, it's okay. I'm here." It took him another minute before he jerked himself awake, but he didn't look up, just buried his head further into her shoulder and tightening his arm around her waist. Her hand moved through his hair and her lips pressed to his skin. "You're okay."
"I hate that I still can see it. I just want it to go away."
She pulled his face from her shoulder and touched it gently. "Look at me," she murmured. He started to shake it away, not wanting to, but eventually he looked up at her with wide eyes. Her thumbs brushed his cheeks. "Just look at me...see me."
He did as she asked, watching her and staying close, not taking his eyes off hers. She just watched back, giving him gentle touches as she did. After a minute he leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers, and taking comfort in the contact. She kept close to him and gave him whatever he needed.
"It might be more like this for a while. Until I get used to everything again."
"As long as you're breathing...I don't care."
He chuckled, he couldn't help it. "I'll make sure I keep doing that."
"I love you."
"I love you too. So much."
"Get some sleep. I'll be right here. All night."
"I'll try," he said with a nod, before closing his eyes and curling in closer again. She sighed and lay close, staying awake. He drifted off to sleep soon after, his body relaxing around hers with a slow breath. Alice lay there for a long time, making sure he was sleeping peaceful before she would fall asleep herself.
Both Sam and Bobby were coming up empty on trying to figure out where Dean was and as much as Sam wanted -- needed -- to see his brother, he wasn't doing so well with the waiting. He saw Hell every time he closed his eyes, and he knew that as much as Bobby would never say it, he was starting to get sick of tripping all over Sam. So Sam borrowed a car and started driving, and by the time he arrived on Alice's doorstep, he couldn't help but wonder what the hell he was doing.
It had been four months. Four months where he had been dead and he wouldn't have blamed her if she had moved on. He parked the car on the street across from her building, staring up at the windows and wondering how he was going to get in to the building, or wondering if he even should. This had suddenly become far more than anyone would have ever bargained for, and she didn't deserve to be drawn back into this life again. She deserved to be normal, or have normal, whatever the hell normal was. He didn't want her to get hurt, or to interfere with her life if he kept dying and coming back like he was.
Hell, he still didn't know what had brought him back.
But there was still a large part of him that wanted to see her. That wanted to see someone that could reassure him that he wasn't totally broken. That they could help fix him. Because Sam didn't know if he could on his own. So he took a breath and climbed out of the car, heading towards the building with measured strides that didn't look suspicious. After sweet-talking the guard and finding that for some reason, he was still on the guest list, he made his way up to Alice's apartment, hesitating only for a moment before knocking on the door.
Alice had hardly been herself in the months since Sam's death. She hadn't thought in the beginning that he would come to mean as much to her as he did. She hadn't thought she'd feel that kind of heartbreak...again. Dean had been attempting to keep in touch with her at first, after the initial visit he made to her to tell her what had happened. She really didn't want to talk to him, though, and sooner than later he quit trying.
Life had become more monotonous for her. She was really trying to get back up her feet, but aside from work at the library, she didn't get out much. So she was sitting home, reading a book, when the knock came at the door. She glanced up with a frown. No one would really be coming to see her. Cassidy was out of town, and her father would have called first. She tucked her bookmark into her book and got to her feet, then started for the door. She looked different than when Sam had last seen her. Her hair was longer, there were shadows under her eyes, and her bright Alice wardrobe had been traded in for sweats and ratty jeans.
She leaned close to the door. "Who is it?" She asked, her voice also having lost her character.
He was quiet for a moment, hesitating and not sure if he really wanted to go through with this, but now that he was here, he might as well. "It's Sam."
Alice frowned. She shook her head. "I'm sorry...who?"
Sam shifted so that he was bracing his hands against the door frame and taking a deep breath. "I know what Dean told you, but something happened -- it's really me, Alice. I swear."
She suddenly felt very dizzy. It sounded like Sam, but it really couldn't be. Dean said he had died. She knew some weird things existed around Sam and Dean, but no one could come back to life. "I don't believe you," she said softly, her voice shaking.
Sam sighed softly, letting his forehead rest against the door before speaking. "We met in the library. Dean and I were researching some unexplained deaths, and I had to check out a few books, so I fed you some cock and bull story about losing my library card, and told me that I was way too pretty to be named Edgar Bjornowitz." Her eyes closed at that memory and she leaned against the wall beside the door. She bit her lip. She wanted to believe him, but she just couldn't. Sam was quiet again for a moment, before taking a breath. "I know that this is probably too much. I shouldn't have come, I just -- I just wanted to see you. I missed you. So much. Just -- open the door? Please?"
Alice stood in the silence for a bit, before reaching a shaky hand to the door. She had the chain lock on, so she slowly pulled the door open as far as it would go. Enough to look out and see him. Her heart pounded and she wanted to cry. She shook her head. "This doesn't make sense."
"I know, I know it doesn't, but -- I'm here." He couldn't see her completely, but what he could see wasn't what he'd been hoping for. He'd hoped that he would get yelled at for intruding on her life. That she'd moved on and was happy and didn't need him. But seeing her falling apart like this was killing him and all he wanted to do was try and take it away. "I don't know who or what brought me back, but it did."
"How can I believe you're....real. And not...something...else?"
Sam paused for a minute, considering before looking back at her. "You have an holy water? Or a silver knife?"
She gave the slightest of chuckles, mixed with a snort - the closest he was going to get to old Alice at the moment. "Yeah, sure. Right with my garlic."
Sam smirked slightly, then thought for a moment. "Got any table salt?"
"Yeah...sure..." She slammed the door in his face and went for the kitchen, finding it hard to take steady steps. She made her way back to the front door and pulled it open just barely again, holding the salt shaker with a trembling hand.
Sam took it from her gently, before crouching down and starting to pour a thick line of salt across the doorway. "Demons can't cross salt lines. If I can step over it, I'm human, and it's really me." He stood up once he finished and looked up at her with hopeful eyes. "You're gonna have to open the door all the way though."
Alice remembered something about that from one of the times Sam told her a bit about their life. She chewed her lip and thought for a moment, before stepping back and letting the door open all the way. Now she was standing just a few feet from him, and he looked so real and so "Sam", and she just wanted to jump into his arms....but she waited. And she couldn't take her eyes off of him. Sam waited for the door to open, before taking a breath and stepping inside, over the salt line so that he was standing right in front of her, closing the door behind him. She was close enough to touch, but he didn't. Not at first. Just took a breath and waited for her to respond.
She took her breath in slowly, her hand coming up to her mouth. The tears that had been threatening started to spill down her cheeks. "I don't understand.." she murmured.
"Trust me, neither do I," he said with a bit of a laugh before starting to reach forward, to pull her closer. "But I'm here."
She watched his hands come towards her, and the second that he touched her, she fell into him and gripped on tightly. Sam wrapped his arms around her firmly, just pulling her close and melting into the feel of her body against his, not wanting to break down again like he did with Bobby. He wouldn't -- his control was a bit better now -- but it still felt almost too good to be true. Alice didn't even try. Her face buried itself in his shoulder and she cried. He just held her close, one hand coming up to rest against the back of her head lightly, keeping her there until she was cried out. When she couldn't cry anymore she pulled back to look at his face. Her hand cupped his cheek and she just studied his face.
Sam looked back at her, his thumb brushing against her cheek lightly. "I missed you so much."
"I missed you," she whispered. "I...didn't know I'd miss you that much."
He smiled, before leaning in to kiss her gently, his hand still cupping her face. A soft cry sounded in her throat when his lips met hers and her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, her body pushing tight against his. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, leaning in to the kiss and keep her close.
She kissed him until she couldn't breathe anymore, then she pulled back to run her fingers over his face again. "Do you need anything?"
Sam had an answer for that, not sure what to say exactly, but then it just started coming out. "You."
Heat ran through her body at that. "Are you sure...I mean...you're all in one piece?"
"All in one piece," he grinned. "And I'm pretty sure everything still works."
She reached out for his hands and started backing towards the couch, then sat down on it and pulled him with. "I hope so."
He smirked as he sat next to her, leaning in close to whisper in her ear. "Want me to prove it?"
She nodded with a slight shiver, and suddenly she felt self-conscious of what she was wearing and wondering when she had last showered... Sam didn't particularly care; all he cared about was that it was her. He ducked his head, starting to kiss her neck lightly, sliding an arm around her as he pulled her closer. And that made her forget everything else. She leaned into him, moving herself into his lap to get closer. Sam moved with her, pulling her in and just letting his hands relearn with what they already knew.
Alice moaned softly at the touch, leaning into him more. His hand slid over her clothes, starting to push them out of the way. He pulled her shirt over his head first, before moving his hand lower and letting them slide over bare skin, almost groaning at the change in sensation. Her hands moved up to grip onto his shoulders and she shifted against him leading his touch where she wanted it. He followed her lead, just letting his fingers skim over her skin lightly and pulling her in closer to him.
She leaned her lips in against his neck and murmured his name, breathing him in deeply. He turned his head, moving one hand up so that he could kiss her again, his free hand sliding over her back. She kissed him back slowly, before pulling away long enough to get his shirt over his head. Then she returned her lips to his and ran her hands down his chest. He moaned loudly at the touch. It had been so long since someone had touched him like this, and all it made him do was want more. His fingers tightened their grip on her, before pulling her in closer and kissing her harder.
She gasped and met his intensity, letting her hands slide down his waist. He shifted to give her better access, and let his hands move to the waistband of her pants, starting to push them off. She easily kicked out of them and started unzipping his, before moving her hand closer against him. His head fell back against the couch with a groan, his hips pressing up into her hand with a jerk. She kissed along his jaw, nipping slightly as she went. He shifted his hips again, moving to get his jeans off and on the floor, before pulling her in closer again, needing to feel skin against his.
She shifted with him, wrapping her arms around his neck, and moving in to kiss him again. He kissed her back, one arm tight around her while his hand started to push her hips down against his. She moved with him, just keeping as close as possible. He was so caught up in the sensations that it wasn't long before his body was tensing and relaxing his forehead falling forward to rest against her shoulder, and his fingers tracing slowly over her skin.
When he finally caught his breath again, his voice was soft and low. "I love you. I'm so sorry I left you alone."
She fell against him, holding on tight. She tucked her face into his neck. "I love you, too," she whispered.
His arms tightened around her, keeping her close. "Can I stay for a while? Is that okay?"
"Don't leave." She held on tighter. "Don't ever leave."
"Okay," he said softly, staying close. "I won't. I'm not going anywhere."
"Promise me." She sat up and looked into his eyes, her own begging. "Stay. Don't let me wake up and see this was a dream...just...be here. Every day."
He looked up at her, his hand brushing against her face, before nodding. "I will. I promise." Some part of his mind knew that it was a bit premature to be making that kind of promise, but as far as he was concerned, there was nowhere else he wanted to be. He didn't want to go back to hunting. He didn't want to go back to any of it. He just wanted to be here, with her, and have a life where he didn't have to worry about dying every second of every day.
Her hands held his face and softly stroked it. Her fingers moved through his hair. "Can...I feed you? Do you want to sleep?"
Sam watched her for a moment, before shaking his head. "Sleep is fine." Truth was, he had barely slept since he'd gotten back and he didn't know if he could now, but he should, and that was what mattered. "We can eat something later."
She nodded and slid off of him, getting to her feet. She took his hands to pull him with. "C'mon."
Sam got up and followed her lead, just letting her take over. When they got to her room, she pulled the covers back and crawled in. She curled up and looked up at him, holding her arm out for him. He crawled in after her, curling up around her and burying his face against her shoulder.
Her arm went around her and she just rubbed his back slowly, pressing a kiss against his head. "Get some sleep," she murmured. "You're home now." He nodded and closed his eyes, slowly dropping off into an uneasy but deep sleep.
Alice didn't sleep. She watched him sleep and slept close, but she didn't sleep because she didn't want to wake up to find him gone. It didn't take long for the nightmares to hit and he started to toss and turn slightly. She jumped slightly, but moved close again and and tried to hold onto him. "Sssh. Sssh, it's okay. I'm here." It took him another minute before he jerked himself awake, but he didn't look up, just buried his head further into her shoulder and tightening his arm around her waist. Her hand moved through his hair and her lips pressed to his skin. "You're okay."
"I hate that I still can see it. I just want it to go away."
She pulled his face from her shoulder and touched it gently. "Look at me," she murmured. He started to shake it away, not wanting to, but eventually he looked up at her with wide eyes. Her thumbs brushed his cheeks. "Just look at me...see me."
He did as she asked, watching her and staying close, not taking his eyes off hers. She just watched back, giving him gentle touches as she did. After a minute he leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers, and taking comfort in the contact. She kept close to him and gave him whatever he needed.
"It might be more like this for a while. Until I get used to everything again."
"As long as you're breathing...I don't care."
He chuckled, he couldn't help it. "I'll make sure I keep doing that."
"I love you."
"I love you too. So much."
"Get some sleep. I'll be right here. All night."
"I'll try," he said with a nod, before closing his eyes and curling in closer again. She sighed and lay close, staying awake. He drifted off to sleep soon after, his body relaxing around hers with a slow breath. Alice lay there for a long time, making sure he was sleeping peaceful before she would fall asleep herself.