(no subject)
So MattFran and I are hoping to perform at an open-mic style sketch show at UCB New York in early January, and this is the sketch we concocted...
JOSH
Good morning, Mr. Francis. How are you feeling today?
MATT
Very strange. Where am I? And who are you?
JOSH
All in due time, Mr. Francis. Your feelings are understandable. You’ve just been unfrozen.
MATT
Unfrozen? What? How?
JOSH
Fifty years ago, in 2005, you were diagnosed with a terminal illness and had yourself cryogenically frozen. Now, here you are, in the future.
MATT
You mean the present.
JOSH
Most people aren’t so quick to grasp that distinction.
MATT
But I’m unfrozen now, so that means you found a cure to my disease, right?
JOSH
Actually, no.
MATT
Then why did you unfreeze me?
JOSH
You ran out of money.
MATT
I what?
JOSH
You ran out of-
MATT
I was being rhetorical!
JOSH
I’m sorry to have interrupted, sir.
MATT
How could I have run out of money? I used to run a Fortune 500 company.
JOSH
Cryogenic freezing chambers don’t grow on trees.
MATT
Speaking of growing on trees, can I have one of those apples? I’m starving.
JOSH
I’m sorry, sir. In the year 2055, apples do not grow on trees either.
MATT
What does grow on trees here in the future?
JOSH
The present.
MATT
Whatever.
JOSH
Ipods mostly.
MATT
Ipods mostly what?
JOSH
Grow on trees.
MATT
You can’t be serious.
JOSH
I most certainly am, sir.
MATT
Are you sure I can’t have one of those apples; I’m really hungry. I feel like I haven’t eaten in fifty years.
JOSH
I’m sorry, Mr. Francis. I am allotted one apple per day.
MATT
For what?
JOSH
To keep the doctors away, of course.
MATT
The doctors? You mean you’re not one? Of them?
JOSH
Of course not. I’m a robot doctor.
MATT
Isn’t that the same as a doctor, only more…roboty?
JOSH
No, they’re quite different. My function is to unfreeze the bodies of patients who have run out of money.
MATT
Then what do the regular doctors do in the future?
JOSH
The p-
MATT
I know, I know. The present. What do the regular doctors do in the present?
JOSH
Euthanasia.
MATT
But you won’t let them euthanize me.
JOSH
It’s too expensive. You couldn’t afford it.
MATT
And those apples aren’t for eating. They’re for keeping the doctors away.
JOSH
Yes. I throw them at the doctors.
MATT
Don’t the patients get upset with you?
JOSH
Why would they?
MATT
Well, they wake up from a cryogenic sleep, they’re tired and confused, and you’re not even a real doctor. I imagine they start asking questions.
JOSH
Usually they expire before they get too curious.
MATT
Was I supposed to…expire?
JOSH
That was the plan.
MATT
So you were hoping I would die.
JOSH
Of course not, sir. Robots are incapable of hope. I merely expected you to die.
MATT
Well what happens if you unfreeze someone whose disease you’ve cured?
JOSH
That is not an issue.
MATT
Why not?
JOSH
We haven’t cured any diseases.
MATT
None? As in not any? You have shelves of frozen bodies, and you haven’t cured any of their diseases? What, pray tell, have you been spending your money on?
JOSH
The ipod trees, sir.
MATT
Right.
THE END
...wish us excellence.
JOSH
Good morning, Mr. Francis. How are you feeling today?
MATT
Very strange. Where am I? And who are you?
JOSH
All in due time, Mr. Francis. Your feelings are understandable. You’ve just been unfrozen.
MATT
Unfrozen? What? How?
JOSH
Fifty years ago, in 2005, you were diagnosed with a terminal illness and had yourself cryogenically frozen. Now, here you are, in the future.
MATT
You mean the present.
JOSH
Most people aren’t so quick to grasp that distinction.
MATT
But I’m unfrozen now, so that means you found a cure to my disease, right?
JOSH
Actually, no.
MATT
Then why did you unfreeze me?
JOSH
You ran out of money.
MATT
I what?
JOSH
You ran out of-
MATT
I was being rhetorical!
JOSH
I’m sorry to have interrupted, sir.
MATT
How could I have run out of money? I used to run a Fortune 500 company.
JOSH
Cryogenic freezing chambers don’t grow on trees.
MATT
Speaking of growing on trees, can I have one of those apples? I’m starving.
JOSH
I’m sorry, sir. In the year 2055, apples do not grow on trees either.
MATT
What does grow on trees here in the future?
JOSH
The present.
MATT
Whatever.
JOSH
Ipods mostly.
MATT
Ipods mostly what?
JOSH
Grow on trees.
MATT
You can’t be serious.
JOSH
I most certainly am, sir.
MATT
Are you sure I can’t have one of those apples; I’m really hungry. I feel like I haven’t eaten in fifty years.
JOSH
I’m sorry, Mr. Francis. I am allotted one apple per day.
MATT
For what?
JOSH
To keep the doctors away, of course.
MATT
The doctors? You mean you’re not one? Of them?
JOSH
Of course not. I’m a robot doctor.
MATT
Isn’t that the same as a doctor, only more…roboty?
JOSH
No, they’re quite different. My function is to unfreeze the bodies of patients who have run out of money.
MATT
Then what do the regular doctors do in the future?
JOSH
The p-
MATT
I know, I know. The present. What do the regular doctors do in the present?
JOSH
Euthanasia.
MATT
But you won’t let them euthanize me.
JOSH
It’s too expensive. You couldn’t afford it.
MATT
And those apples aren’t for eating. They’re for keeping the doctors away.
JOSH
Yes. I throw them at the doctors.
MATT
Don’t the patients get upset with you?
JOSH
Why would they?
MATT
Well, they wake up from a cryogenic sleep, they’re tired and confused, and you’re not even a real doctor. I imagine they start asking questions.
JOSH
Usually they expire before they get too curious.
MATT
Was I supposed to…expire?
JOSH
That was the plan.
MATT
So you were hoping I would die.
JOSH
Of course not, sir. Robots are incapable of hope. I merely expected you to die.
MATT
Well what happens if you unfreeze someone whose disease you’ve cured?
JOSH
That is not an issue.
MATT
Why not?
JOSH
We haven’t cured any diseases.
MATT
None? As in not any? You have shelves of frozen bodies, and you haven’t cured any of their diseases? What, pray tell, have you been spending your money on?
JOSH
The ipod trees, sir.
MATT
Right.
THE END
...wish us excellence.