(no subject)
Something I wrote a long time ago. Thought I'd share.
So what do you say to a former best friend? Someone who knew you through and through for 3 years but you got estranged from?
We became best friends in 8th grade until 11th grade when she flunked classes and was kept behind a year while I passed all my classes and became a senior. Oh, and she also had a boyfriend who was 8 years older but a very immature guy. Didn't like him much, but then again, he wasn't my boyfriend so I wasn't allowed to judge. And I didn't. Out loud, at least.
So, she became very "busy" with her boyfriend and her homework. And I wasn't. I don't do relationships and I don't do homework. I don't even understand where she got all that homework from? But then again, I wasn't the one that flunked my classes. Which was weird too, she always did her homework, and studied hours for tests and I did neither. I just never did anything, except when it had to be handed in, which was almost never. I even started my big senior project on the day of the deadline. And I still graduated without failing any class, ever.
Anyway, back to the point. We never really talked anymore. Except at school lunches and stuff, but yeah. We kind of got into a silent fight. Which meant that she would talk trash about me to other friends and then be really nice to me about it. Or she's talk shit about other friends to me and then be the best of friends to them. She never used to be like that.
Then I went to America for a year and we said we'd email everyday and such. It never happened. We emailed about 3 times throughout the year and halfway through she broke up with her boyfriend an I send her a you'll-be-okay-and-I'll-be-your-shoulder-to-cry-on-present. Because, you know, you gotta be there for your friends, even though you're on the other side of the world. I even cried with her on the phone.
Anyway, I came back. We had a great re-start of our relationship. We went shopping, to the beach, clubbing, just hanging out. Until she got a new boyfriend, and she went to college after the summer. I did too, but I dropped out due to economical retardedness (and depression, which still no one knows about.) But even though I got into college as well, I didn't get so busy I couldn't go out on saturday nights, or have no time to go shopping or just randomly do something with friends. I've always been the kind of person to duck schoolwork though. That might've been it.
So, we haven't seen each other for about 3 months I think. We're not really good friends anymore. I still see her as a friend. Because you can't throw a six-year-old friendship away just like that. Without discussing it. Even though I'm not very good at discussing things. Maybe I should start talking things out. Ah, sidetracks! Last week I asked her if she'd like to go shopping with me, since we hadn't done that in a long time. She said 'well, if I have to..'. I said she didn't and we never discussed the topic again.
But since a while she's been trying to get us to talk again. You know, just about stuff. She says hi to me on MSN. Which is basically it, but we do have conversations if she does. She doesn't call, or textmessages me. But it's okay. I can live with it. I still love her so much. In a very much friendly way. Everytime I see her I still feel as if she's my best friend and we're back in 8th grade sharing secrets and talking about boys and nailpolish and schoolpictures.
But we're not. We're here, college student vs. college dropout. Nice and neat vs. punk. Future settled vs. scared to death of future. You know, we're absolute opposites. We weren't. But we are now. And I can't dwell in the past.
So the answer is absolutely nothing. I don't want to talk about my eating disorder, or my other problems. Not about my future, my failed college experience, my boyfriendless life. I don't want to hear about her boyfriend, her school or her so-called friends. I don't want to know about how busy she is or talk about my condescending job. Or her job. And that describes both of our lives.
So I guess we're done talking. We have nothing left to say. The only reason we're still talking is because we can't live without each other. We still mean too much to each other to let go.
But in the end, I can't help but wonder if we're only talking to try and find the right words to say goodbye.
So what do you say to a former best friend? Someone who knew you through and through for 3 years but you got estranged from?
We became best friends in 8th grade until 11th grade when she flunked classes and was kept behind a year while I passed all my classes and became a senior. Oh, and she also had a boyfriend who was 8 years older but a very immature guy. Didn't like him much, but then again, he wasn't my boyfriend so I wasn't allowed to judge. And I didn't. Out loud, at least.
So, she became very "busy" with her boyfriend and her homework. And I wasn't. I don't do relationships and I don't do homework. I don't even understand where she got all that homework from? But then again, I wasn't the one that flunked my classes. Which was weird too, she always did her homework, and studied hours for tests and I did neither. I just never did anything, except when it had to be handed in, which was almost never. I even started my big senior project on the day of the deadline. And I still graduated without failing any class, ever.
Anyway, back to the point. We never really talked anymore. Except at school lunches and stuff, but yeah. We kind of got into a silent fight. Which meant that she would talk trash about me to other friends and then be really nice to me about it. Or she's talk shit about other friends to me and then be the best of friends to them. She never used to be like that.
Then I went to America for a year and we said we'd email everyday and such. It never happened. We emailed about 3 times throughout the year and halfway through she broke up with her boyfriend an I send her a you'll-be-okay-and-I'll-be-your-shoulder-to-cry-on-present. Because, you know, you gotta be there for your friends, even though you're on the other side of the world. I even cried with her on the phone.
Anyway, I came back. We had a great re-start of our relationship. We went shopping, to the beach, clubbing, just hanging out. Until she got a new boyfriend, and she went to college after the summer. I did too, but I dropped out due to economical retardedness (and depression, which still no one knows about.) But even though I got into college as well, I didn't get so busy I couldn't go out on saturday nights, or have no time to go shopping or just randomly do something with friends. I've always been the kind of person to duck schoolwork though. That might've been it.
So, we haven't seen each other for about 3 months I think. We're not really good friends anymore. I still see her as a friend. Because you can't throw a six-year-old friendship away just like that. Without discussing it. Even though I'm not very good at discussing things. Maybe I should start talking things out. Ah, sidetracks! Last week I asked her if she'd like to go shopping with me, since we hadn't done that in a long time. She said 'well, if I have to..'. I said she didn't and we never discussed the topic again.
But since a while she's been trying to get us to talk again. You know, just about stuff. She says hi to me on MSN. Which is basically it, but we do have conversations if she does. She doesn't call, or textmessages me. But it's okay. I can live with it. I still love her so much. In a very much friendly way. Everytime I see her I still feel as if she's my best friend and we're back in 8th grade sharing secrets and talking about boys and nailpolish and schoolpictures.
But we're not. We're here, college student vs. college dropout. Nice and neat vs. punk. Future settled vs. scared to death of future. You know, we're absolute opposites. We weren't. But we are now. And I can't dwell in the past.
So the answer is absolutely nothing. I don't want to talk about my eating disorder, or my other problems. Not about my future, my failed college experience, my boyfriendless life. I don't want to hear about her boyfriend, her school or her so-called friends. I don't want to know about how busy she is or talk about my condescending job. Or her job. And that describes both of our lives.
So I guess we're done talking. We have nothing left to say. The only reason we're still talking is because we can't live without each other. We still mean too much to each other to let go.
But in the end, I can't help but wonder if we're only talking to try and find the right words to say goodbye.