everyone else is doing it
1. i should be doing dishes right now. but i'm not
2. cleaning the bathroom sinks is my least favorite chore of all time.
3. blast. i should also be putting the sheets back on my bed
4. i am really tired lately, and i am just chalking it up to the claritin, but what if that's not it? i'm assuming it is. and i'm assuming i am just dramatic.
5. i like to think i've outgrown the dramatic adolescent girl stage.
6. sometimes i seriously doubt i ever will.
7. i am a virgin. for lots of reasons that are mine alone.
8. it doesn't embarass me in the least.
9. i've noticed a lot of other people are embarassed for me.
10. which i can't figure out. but it seems pointless to judge people for judging me.
11. this year my mirror is on the outside of my bedroom door so i have to open the door if i want to see my reflection.
12. this causes problems since i like to dance around my room in my underwear.
13. and i am sort of vain. i think i look beautiful when i am happy and laughing and moving.
14. i have been ashamed of myself very very few times in my life.
15. and i have never been ashamed from the inside-out, that i can remember. only when others were ashamed of me and it radiated off of them in waves. that was how i learned about shame.
16. but i think that's probably how all of us learn.
17. i have never really needed literature or lectures or outside sources to tell me who i am or what i believe in or what i value. my values and my reasoning for them differ from my friends and family and i really really like that. it helps me value everyone else and their reasons a little bit more i think.
18. i don't really feel like i've changed that much since i was little. except that i care a little bit more what people think of me. and i'm a little more realistic and thus a little more disappointed.
19. sometimes i think my mom wishes i had blonde hair. she suggests i dye my hair blonde about once a year.
20. i really really really miss having sleepovers with my cousins. i really miss being close to them.
21. i don't wish my immediate family was any different and i wouldn't change anything about my sibling situation but sometimes i wish i had a real sister. (my brother is probably one of the very best things in my life though. and i never forget that.)
22. i think my cousin courtney is the closest thing i've ever had to a real sister. she just stated college and i think about her every single day.
23. i say she's the closest thing because i know she will never ever not be in my life. that is my favorite thing about being related to amazing people. that they won't ever not be there. that there will always be an excuse to pick up the phone, no matter how long it's been.
24. i think my mom's side of the family is indescribably beautiful. sometimes thinking about them, about us, makes me want to cry.
25. paul called my grandma the night before her knee surgery and she still talks about it.
26. it would insult me if someone didn't tell me they loved my family after meeting them. i would be personally offended.
27. it is hard to embarass me.
28. my mom used to try and embarass me in public to harden me to it.
29. sometimes it shocks me how lucky i was to meet steph and val during the first few days of my freshman year.
30. i feel rare and unique. probably a lot more than i should.
31. i really like being involved with operation snowball.
32. i was not popular in high school. i knew everyone, i loved everyone, i talked to everyone. but i didn't really fit in anywhere until junior year when i found a bunch of crazy girls.
33. one time, for danielle's 18th birthday, we bought a powerpuff girl table cloth and had a party in the cafeteria with all the freshman who were too young to drive off campus for lunch. we had hats and cupcakes and we laughed so hard.
34. i think i fall in love pretty easily but i guard my heart like a beast.
35. i want to learn sign language.
36. i was co-prom queen and sometimes i hate telling people that because their opinion of me changes somehow. i think it changed the opinion of some people who i went to high school with for the worse, people i didn't know very well.
37. i voted for the other girl who won.
38. i taught my brother to read and count. or at least my mom credits that to me. and i take it.
39. i want to go on a safari someday.
40. my grandma says that, when i was born, i had my eyes wide open and i didn't cry, i just looked around like i was sizing up the world. my grandma tells that story three times whenever she thinks about it and she always adds "i've never seen anything like it."
41. my grandma's seen a lot of babies born.
42. that story makes me feel good about myself. like i was born with some sort of serene confidence, a secret smile or something, and that it will always be there when i need it.
43. i like people who are clever.
44. i like people who aren't afraid to be themselves.
45. i like when paul is hyper and goofy and crazy.
46. stephanie and i will have pretty much lived together for six years by the time we are finally done with the u of i. that is a long time to be roommates. that is longer than a lot of marraiges last nowadays. but we still hang out non-stop. like bffs. i like living with her a lot. and i miss val.
47. i hate when you see someone after a long time and it doesn't feel like old times. when it feels weird and so much calmer and more dull than it ever used to.
48. sometimes i'll wake up on the weekends and just spend a good hour laying awake in my bed thinking about things or daydreaming. it's one of my favorite things.
49. i think we learn from everything and so i try not to regret anything.
50. i am really excited about having children but i really want to wait awhile before having them.