Exhaustion - released
I'm tired, weary more like it.
I keep doing things. And things keep happening.
...but I miss what I had. A lot.
I don't know what I need. I don't know what anyone needs right now.
I know that I don't want to be around some people. And I keep getting the same things from other people. *sighs* And I want to be around other people more than I am. No matter who I'm around, I feel a sense of betrayal from the human race as a whole though. Lonely, despite people telling me otherwise.
Am I trying to cause rifts in my friends? Not really. I'm looking for support that seems to be hard to find.
And I'm extremely tired of it all.
Banality is setting in on my unseelie self. I am exhausted. I have no idea why, besides that I keep trying to do everything and wind up doing nothing.
Talked to two great people last night. Different views on everything. And no wonder why with an age gap of a decade, different genders and different places in life & the world.
This morning was a very disturbing email from a friend in my mailbox. I tried to reply, but I do not know if she will receive my response. I do worry about her, as I do all my friends - even if I do feel a horrible stab in my back and expect it now from nearly everyone as it has happened so often. I am tired though.
"You were always there for me, and I will never forget that. I'm sorry that I can't say this to you in person, frankly after tonight there won't be an opportunity. Be well in your life and as happy as possible." - is what she said. I have no way to get in contact with her to stop it if she is unable to check her email (or answer her phone once I can find her #).
I hope she was being dramatic in her email to get my response. I'm too tired to be angry if she was. I should be.
I am still angry at a lot of things. I believe I have every right to be so. However, my anger has also isolated me from others. I'm not sure how the objects of my anger can make amends if they wanted to do so. Especially if they are lying about it. They have in the past.
I want a place where I am accepted and a place that is safe. A place where I do not need to think unless I want to do so. I thought last Friday's place was that place, but found out how wrong I was.
I keep going to sleep to dreams of nightmares that fade when I wake up to reality that I wish was better. I have no idea how to make it better. Neither sleep nor wakefulness help me (I know the alternative isn't an alternative, but much worse to the point of blasphemy against life itself, which I treasure quite a lot - so please don't think I would do that. I'm a lot stronger than that, even if others are not). However, I have lost a lot of hope for the future and humanity within the last few weeks.
I continue to press on through all this shit. I am hoping that I am in a coccoon and will be breaking through it soon.
If the World of Darkness is darker than this world, then my players will have a very dark world indeed to play.
I keep doing things. And things keep happening.
...but I miss what I had. A lot.
I don't know what I need. I don't know what anyone needs right now.
I know that I don't want to be around some people. And I keep getting the same things from other people. *sighs* And I want to be around other people more than I am. No matter who I'm around, I feel a sense of betrayal from the human race as a whole though. Lonely, despite people telling me otherwise.
Am I trying to cause rifts in my friends? Not really. I'm looking for support that seems to be hard to find.
And I'm extremely tired of it all.
Banality is setting in on my unseelie self. I am exhausted. I have no idea why, besides that I keep trying to do everything and wind up doing nothing.
Talked to two great people last night. Different views on everything. And no wonder why with an age gap of a decade, different genders and different places in life & the world.
This morning was a very disturbing email from a friend in my mailbox. I tried to reply, but I do not know if she will receive my response. I do worry about her, as I do all my friends - even if I do feel a horrible stab in my back and expect it now from nearly everyone as it has happened so often. I am tired though.
"You were always there for me, and I will never forget that. I'm sorry that I can't say this to you in person, frankly after tonight there won't be an opportunity. Be well in your life and as happy as possible." - is what she said. I have no way to get in contact with her to stop it if she is unable to check her email (or answer her phone once I can find her #).
I hope she was being dramatic in her email to get my response. I'm too tired to be angry if she was. I should be.
I am still angry at a lot of things. I believe I have every right to be so. However, my anger has also isolated me from others. I'm not sure how the objects of my anger can make amends if they wanted to do so. Especially if they are lying about it. They have in the past.
I want a place where I am accepted and a place that is safe. A place where I do not need to think unless I want to do so. I thought last Friday's place was that place, but found out how wrong I was.
I keep going to sleep to dreams of nightmares that fade when I wake up to reality that I wish was better. I have no idea how to make it better. Neither sleep nor wakefulness help me (I know the alternative isn't an alternative, but much worse to the point of blasphemy against life itself, which I treasure quite a lot - so please don't think I would do that. I'm a lot stronger than that, even if others are not). However, I have lost a lot of hope for the future and humanity within the last few weeks.
I continue to press on through all this shit. I am hoping that I am in a coccoon and will be breaking through it soon.
If the World of Darkness is darker than this world, then my players will have a very dark world indeed to play.