199. {1shot} [suits] (harvey/donna) things i'll never say
things i'll never say ; pg-13 ; 831 words ;
(things that she'll never say, that she'll never hear, that will never pass between them)
i.
'i love you'
She's thought about all of the ways that it will come out. It could be her who says it, her who looks at him with those eyes gentle and almost heartbroken because she knows that he will never feel the same for her. It could be simple and easy and carefree, she could say it when she least expects it because it's always on the tip of her tongue.
Or it could be him. He could say it. He could look at her and be unable to deny the truth between them, he could tell her that he loves her. He needs her, that much she knows, but he would never say that he loves her. She doesn't even think that it would be true, she'd never believe it.
The situations could be totally different than it is now. It could be months or years in the future. They could be together, happy, finally making a go of it. He could tell her over a romantic dinner, or mutter it in his sleep, or it could be anything.
But the reality is this: she will never say it and he will never say it, the words will never pass between them.
ii.
'i hate you'
Truthfully, she wants to but she doesn't and she can't. She's repeated all of his flaws, over and over again, often falls asleep somewhere between flaw number 7 and flaw number 27. She wants to hate him, wants to with every fiber of her being, but she doesn't and she can't.
She's told herself nearly a thousand times that it would be easier to hate him. She could breathe easier, think straighter, and probably even live longer. She thinks that if she hated him, she could always let him go and stop lying to herself. She's been lying to herself so long that it most likely prompts her heart to continue beating, it's become a part of her just as much as anything else.
But her grandmother has always said, there's a thin line between love and hate.
iii.
'you look beautiful'
She was once a dreamer. She wanted to live a life of passion and joy, show the world everything that she was made of. But instead, she was warped into a life of law and legal organization, and she is the best legal secretary in the tri-state area but it wasn't what she'd aspired to be.
The dreams that she's become part of, the ones that she pretends to have, are Harvey's dreams. He's the best closer the city has ever seen, and he's had one goal: get his name on the door. Once his name is there, she doesn't know what she's going to do. It's the final step, the last one he has to make, and he's almost there.
Some days, she thinks that he could do it alone, that he doesn't need her, but then she thinks of the things she knows that he doesn't know; she reminds herself that he is not the same without her.
It makes her consider where her beauty has gone, how she was once desired and every man wants her except the one man she comes face to face with every day. He isn't hers and she isn't his. They are...just as they are. He'll never see her and therefore she'll never see herself.
iv.
'i want to be with you'
There are no happy endings for women like her.
She'd once told herself that there could be, still could be, will be, but then she stopped lying to herself. She was in love, in love with the idea of possibility, hopeful that in the end the wait would be worth it. But as time goes by, it's becoming clearer to her that she isn't reading the pages correctly like she's forgotten how to speak the language.
There are languages that she's never been able to speak, ones that resemble love and companionship. To think that she could ever understand the world in which she's never been able to become part of, to think that she would ever hear the words from that man that she's spent so much energy trying to convince herself she doesn't want to hear the words from, makes her naive or stupid. She doesn't know which and she's honestly scared to find out.
She doesn't know where she fits into his life anymore but she won't ask either. The fact is that he'll never tell her without a little push, and she couldn't ask. Wouldn't dare ask. Even though every now and then he looks at her with pure affection (possibly love), she knows that it will never last. She considers what that means, if it would mean anything.
She will never say the words and he will never hear them.
v.
'will you marry me?'
She will never say yes again because the one man she could imagine saying yes to, will never ask her.
(things that she'll never say, that she'll never hear, that will never pass between them)
i.
'i love you'
She's thought about all of the ways that it will come out. It could be her who says it, her who looks at him with those eyes gentle and almost heartbroken because she knows that he will never feel the same for her. It could be simple and easy and carefree, she could say it when she least expects it because it's always on the tip of her tongue.
Or it could be him. He could say it. He could look at her and be unable to deny the truth between them, he could tell her that he loves her. He needs her, that much she knows, but he would never say that he loves her. She doesn't even think that it would be true, she'd never believe it.
The situations could be totally different than it is now. It could be months or years in the future. They could be together, happy, finally making a go of it. He could tell her over a romantic dinner, or mutter it in his sleep, or it could be anything.
But the reality is this: she will never say it and he will never say it, the words will never pass between them.
ii.
'i hate you'
Truthfully, she wants to but she doesn't and she can't. She's repeated all of his flaws, over and over again, often falls asleep somewhere between flaw number 7 and flaw number 27. She wants to hate him, wants to with every fiber of her being, but she doesn't and she can't.
She's told herself nearly a thousand times that it would be easier to hate him. She could breathe easier, think straighter, and probably even live longer. She thinks that if she hated him, she could always let him go and stop lying to herself. She's been lying to herself so long that it most likely prompts her heart to continue beating, it's become a part of her just as much as anything else.
But her grandmother has always said, there's a thin line between love and hate.
iii.
'you look beautiful'
She was once a dreamer. She wanted to live a life of passion and joy, show the world everything that she was made of. But instead, she was warped into a life of law and legal organization, and she is the best legal secretary in the tri-state area but it wasn't what she'd aspired to be.
The dreams that she's become part of, the ones that she pretends to have, are Harvey's dreams. He's the best closer the city has ever seen, and he's had one goal: get his name on the door. Once his name is there, she doesn't know what she's going to do. It's the final step, the last one he has to make, and he's almost there.
Some days, she thinks that he could do it alone, that he doesn't need her, but then she thinks of the things she knows that he doesn't know; she reminds herself that he is not the same without her.
It makes her consider where her beauty has gone, how she was once desired and every man wants her except the one man she comes face to face with every day. He isn't hers and she isn't his. They are...just as they are. He'll never see her and therefore she'll never see herself.
iv.
'i want to be with you'
There are no happy endings for women like her.
She'd once told herself that there could be, still could be, will be, but then she stopped lying to herself. She was in love, in love with the idea of possibility, hopeful that in the end the wait would be worth it. But as time goes by, it's becoming clearer to her that she isn't reading the pages correctly like she's forgotten how to speak the language.
There are languages that she's never been able to speak, ones that resemble love and companionship. To think that she could ever understand the world in which she's never been able to become part of, to think that she would ever hear the words from that man that she's spent so much energy trying to convince herself she doesn't want to hear the words from, makes her naive or stupid. She doesn't know which and she's honestly scared to find out.
She doesn't know where she fits into his life anymore but she won't ask either. The fact is that he'll never tell her without a little push, and she couldn't ask. Wouldn't dare ask. Even though every now and then he looks at her with pure affection (possibly love), she knows that it will never last. She considers what that means, if it would mean anything.
She will never say the words and he will never hear them.
v.
'will you marry me?'
She will never say yes again because the one man she could imagine saying yes to, will never ask her.