I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now
Title: I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now
Characters: Blair-centric. With Blair/Nate, Nate/Serena, and Blair/Serena
Timeline: Pre-series to Pilot.
Rating/Word Count: PG-13/ 2,840
Summary: She says it to herself so much that she no longer feels the need to refresh the lipstick on the mirror. She lets it fade into a blurry unreadable smudge.
....
|" What happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected? And they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same."\
-Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)
It was never supposed to be this complicated.
Sex.
Sex with Nate.
And yet it was. She just couldn't bring herself to let it go. She had talked about it for months now. And she loved Nate. It should be the perfect time. Yet it never was. Serena made it seem easy and harmless and fun.
"You just let it happen, B. It's just like kissing, only way better."
She remembers her blonde friend telling her about the night after her fourteenth birthday. Her summer skin glowed and she had the aura of sweet sweat around her, a smell Blair couldn't quite put her finger on.
"I had sex. With Carter."
The smell of sex.
It was then, as Blair looked at her friend that the contradictions between she and Serena seemed to stick out like fractures in what was thought to be solid and strong bone.
She saw every single crack in the mirror that emulated her appearance.
Not Pretty. Not Funny. Not Special. Not enough.
The words carved in cherry colored lip stick across the bathroom vanity like the Ten Commandments into stone. It was her truth; her gospel, what she saw in herself.
Perfect.
A dream, an aspiration, a goal, her new façade.
Even with the words on the vanity floating in the back of her head.
Not Pretty. Not Funny. Not Special. Not enough.
She pretended. Well. She should have been an actor. Those games she played with the world, the lies she told, the appearance she kept. But it was never enough. (Not enough. Bold and big and underlined) she was always second best.
I need you.-N
The text message read. She smiled and thought of their bodies meshing.
"Does it hurt?" She asked Serena.
"Yeah. But only the first time. Then it's wonderful."
She could feel him pushing her body deeper into the couch, his fingers dancing on the bare delicate skin of her stomach, traveling upward into her bra, his tongue sweeping clean the insides of her mouth. It had been a day since she had vomited but she could still taste the bitter acid of her vomit on her tongue. She hoped he couldn't.
"Blair," He sighed and began to tug at the waist of her skirt.
The sleet sloshed down the window pane. And she closed her eyes, asking her heart what the answer was.
no.
She shook her head and gulped down their mixed saliva. It was then he looked at her with disappointment and shock.
You're such a tease.
He got off her and left the living room without a word. She covered up her topless body and began to shake. The winter overtaking her bones.
Tease.
She noticed he became more and more distant. He no longer smelled of mint and laundry soap. Her nostrils were over flowed with the smell of weed anytime she was graced with his presence.
"I miss him, S."
"I wouldn't worry too much B."
She retracted her finger from her throat and felt the retch deep inside her, it hummed from her bowels to her fingertips and then the brown liquid from her purge sloppy spilled into the toilet.
Blair wiped her mouth on the side of her sweater and stared at herself in the bathroom mirror and felt the empty hollow of her body settle as she looked at her watery eyes.
Not Pretty. Not Funny. Not Special. Not enough.
She read the words across the mirror the final one making her heart retch, a purge all in itself. Tease.
Blair adjusted her headband straight over the crown of her brown curls and sighed.
Perfect.
She turned off the light and left the room.
Winter turns to spring and her mother falling apart doesn't help much.
"I can't believe he left her; for another man."
She idly turns her head from the gossip and immerses herself in party planning and hanging out with Serena and Nate.
The flowers start to bloom in the park, the humidity rises, her hair frizzes.
She tries to lean on Serena but still manages to throw up most of the things she eats.
Not Pretty. Not Funny. Not Special. Not enough. Tease. Not her.
She says it to herself so much that she no longer feels the need to refresh the lipstick on the mirror. She lets it fade into a blurry unreadable smudge.
It doesn't matter; the words are carved behind her eyelids, tattooed to her heart.
She and Serena and Nate (in reality it's mostly Blair) dream about the summer, Paris. And she decides it's there that she'll loose her virginity to Nate. It'll be perfect and magical and special.
It will make her all these things she so desperately wants to be. It will complete her. She can and will be everything. She and Nate will be so bonded that nothing will ever be able to tear them apart.
(It's a white dress, a huge cathedral, a Column in the Society section. 'The Wedding of the Year' Perfection with candles everywhere)
"I can't go to Paris this summer,"
And it's then she realizes how quickly the perfect moment can only be a dream and never a reality.
She ran her fingers through his sandy brown hair and sighed, entangling their toes.
"I don't want you to go to Maine!"
"I don't want you to go to Scotland!" Nate quips placing a kiss on her nose.
She flushed the toilet (and all that horrible hurt in her heart) and walked out of her bathroom to find Serena lounging on her bed.
"I can't believe it's the start of summer." Serena wines, looking the poster child for the season, already tan, blonde, in her cut off shorts.
"I'm gonna miss you. I'm glad that we at least have this weekend to spend together." Blair adds toppling into bed with her best friend.
"And Audrey!"
"How could we forget her?" And they share a laugh.
She hates doing it in public but after two chocolate croissants for breakfast and her mother's mention (or nagging on her eating habits; whichever way you want to look at it) of Serena and her perfect figure. She just can't help it.
The empty tiled walls of the airport bathroom echo with sound of her retching.
Not Pretty. Not Funny. Not Special. Not enough. Tease. Not her. Fat.
She hates Europe. She actually figured she like it a lot better. You know the culture, and the people, and the different languages.
Plus it'll look so good to Yale. "A European excursion taken between my sophomore and junior year…" Should could write on her application or brag to an admission officer.
Excursion isn't really the best word for it. Adventure isn't either.
She's having the worst time. Stuck in this huge house with her annoying aunt and a country she knows nothing about.
She's lonely and missing Nate and Serena like crazy.
She locks herself in her room and beige eats Oreos and watches all her Audrey movies and cries until there aren't any more tears left to cry. She just wants to go home.
Nate calls her every third day and she calls every free minute (or when it seems like enough time has gone by to warrant another phone call) she gets.
She hasn't talked to Serena all summer.
And she doesn't know why.
It's in another airport bathroom after a piece of toast her mother forced down her throat that she throws up and the bathroom echoes with the sound of her pain.
Nate greets her right off the tarmac, she squeals, and jumps into his arms.
"I missed you!" She whispered into his ear.
"I missed you too,"
She kisses him deeply and giggles when they break apart. And she stares into his hazy eyes and thinks we are perfect. Despite that fact he's high off his ass and she lost at least 10 pounds while in Scotland( Her ribs are starting to poke through her skin and her eyes are puffy and bloodshot from the months of crying and throwing up).
"Where's Serena?" Her hand was tightly folded into his as they walk through the park.
He looks at her and turns his blue eyes away. "I don't know."
And she believes his lie.
The summer fades away and Blair still hasn't talked to Serena. She leaves countless messages on her phone, texts, and emails.
And nothing.
The day before school starts she calls the van der Woodsen apartment and Lilly answers.
"Hey Mrs. van der Woodsen its Blair. Is Serena there?"
"Oh, Serena didn't tell you? She went to boarding school in Connecticut."
Her faces flushes, tears come to her eyes. She tries her best to recover.
"Right. Sorry."
She places the phone on the receiver with a soft thud, buries her face in her pillow, and cries.
Junior Year is different than any year before.
All eyes are on her.
She is the Queen Bee of Constance.
She rules, she runs, she conquers.
And most importantly she shines. Brighter than anyone.
But this isn't any different than before.
She actually finds herself more lost than before.
A little more lonely, a little more depressed, a little more unhappy.
But there's a smile on her face and a headband on her head.
Not Pretty. Not Funny. Not Special. Not enough. Tease. Not her. Fat. Lonely.
Her and Nate grow closer but never close enough.
She plans parties and benefits.
Studies and excels in all her classes.
And has a great year.
Serena doesn't exist, her father's homosexuality doesn't exist, her eating disorder doesn't exist.
It's a hot humid and wild summer in the Hamptons. She drinks way more than she should and Nate smokes more than he should.
But it's summer.
They spend it in at the beach, by the pool, and with each other.
The summer of BlairandNate.
And it's everything she ever wanted.
It ends up not being very special nor perfect.
It's sloppy (he's had one too many tumblers of scotch and she had one too many martinis)
There outside on the beach and he kisses her, deep, and drunk, with lust on his tongue.
"I want you Blair,"
And they tumble into the sand, peeling clothes off each other.
I want you Blair. I want you Blair. I want you Blair.
Her mind spins in circles and she lets herself go.
There's no more waiting. There's now and only now.
He enters her and a jab of pain envelops her body.
She winces and braces herself on his shoulders.
He puts his mouth over hers and moves in and out of her quickening his pace with every thrust.
She feels like she's drowning.
Sand coats their bodies and he finishes. Reaching his end while still snugly inside of her.
"I love you," He says, one of the only times she can remember him saying it to her instead of her saying it to him.
She blinks up at the night sky before catching his eye.
Shaking and bleeding she whispers, "I love you too."
They change after that.
After two years of being together she feels like they've reached full circle.
But she doesn't have it in her heart to let it be over.
It's not supposed to be over. They are supposed to be forever.
They are forever.
(It's a white dress, a huge cathedral, a Column in the Society section. 'The Wedding of the Year' Perfection with candles everywhere)
She lets the doubt dissipate.
And she kisses his lips and lets him take her away.
Again, Again, Again.
Serena comes back.
And she feels like she's cracking.
Nate leaves her alone, legs open, in a corset at the mention of her name.
"Serena."
She thinks of her mirror in the bathroom at home. And the back of her eyelids hum with the words.
Not Pretty. Not Funny. Not Special. Not enough. Tease. Not her. Fat. Lonely.
And she stares her best friend in the eye and sees something familiar in her eyes, something she thought she could only see in her own.
Vulnerability.
The exact opposite of all she's trying to be.
The rumors about Serena's absence and return swirl around Constance Billiard.
I heard she got pregnant and had an abortion.
She got an STD.
She slept with every guy in Connecticut.
I heard…
I heard…
I heard…
She doesn't welcome her back with open arms. (although she greets her with a hug)
She can't. She left. She left her. When her whole world was falling apart. When everything came crashing down.
She needed her best friend.
And now she needs no one.
She wouldn't let Serena take what was hers. This was Blair's world now.
(She rules, she runs, she conquers)
She throws back another martini and smiles at the blonde.
"Can't we just go back to how we use to be?"
And the truth is she wishes they could. But it feels like their so much distance between them and what they were and what they've become.
They try, with apologies hanging on both their tongues.
But in the end, with the alcohol burning down their throats, they know everything has changed.
Even if she says to Serena, okay.
Funny how lies sometimes sound and feel so much like the truth.
She kisses him and presses their bodies together.
"Nate, I love you."
He seems so distant like he's disappearing right in front of her eyes.
She urges, coaxes, and teases.
"Don't you want me, Natie?"
Blair reveals more and more skin.
(I want you Blair. I want you Blair. I want you Blair. ); these are the words that spin around in her mind, like a song that's stuck in her head.
His eyes grow wide and he gently pushes her off of him.
"Blair,"
And her heart drops down to her stomach.
"I need to tell you something…"
Natie; Serena's original nickname. She wonders if that sets off this spark in his blue eyes.
"Last summer, Serena and I…"
SerenaSerenaSerena. Why was it always about Serena? He reaches out to her, clasping her hand in his, rubbing her wrist with his thumb.
And then it all makes sense. She understands what she always should have known.
"Get off of me!"
She pulls away rapidly, stands up, and feels nausea rolling in her stomach.
"I knew it, I always knew it!"
Tears stream down her face and she watches his eyes.
"It didn't mean anything. Blair, I'm so sorry."
"Get out!"
And he leaves; like he should.
She throws a pillow at the door and collapses with a sob.
The next time she sees Serena she wants to scream but instead she puts a smile on her face and allows her to come over and speak to her.
"Blair we're best friends." Serena says as Blair gives her the cold shoulder, spitting out acid.
"We were. Until I found out you had sex with my boyfriend!"
She sits alone in her bathroom, piles of plates on the floor, bitter acid on her tongue. She stares at a photograph. It's of her, Serena, and Nate. She's in the center, both their arms thrown around her neck.
She looks at the two blondes and wonders why she never saw it before. And maybe she did. She was a pretender. The best one around, perhaps she pretended it was never there. She became blind to the notion that Nate and Serena were NateandSerena.
They were supposed to be perfect. They were supposed to be forever.
She was supposed to be perfect.
She was supposed to have a boyfriend who wanted her forever.
Blair knew now though she was never what Nate really wanted. He wanted Serena. He had always wanted Serena.
Not Enough.
She looked at the mirror, the smudge unreadable now.
And yet, she knew the words like she knew where all the best stores where in Manhattan.
Not Pretty. Not Funny. Not Special. Not enough. Tease. Not her. Fat. Lonely.
She closed her eyes and blinked, exhaling, inhaling, holding back tears.
It was never supposed to be this complicated.
It was supposed to be perfect and work out perfectly like all her Audrey Hepburn movies.
She wished that was what happened.
And yet it wasn't.
It used to be just Blair, Nate, and Serena up against the world. Rising above, becoming, doing, ruling the Upper East Side.
Only she was not the chosen princess.
She should have known better.
Blair stares at her unimpressive brown eyes and tries her best to smile.
It was never supposed to be you.
Never You. She writes over the lipstick smudge that had taken up the vanity for two years.
Never You.
And she dips her head into the sink and shoves her fingers violently down her throat.
fin.