People think that we don't understand what it takes to want to be a man
I just don't know where I am anymore.
You know, when I became drama club President last year, I really didn't believe that I was capable of handling something like that. I thought that with full IB, which nearly made me buckle underneath all that stress junior year, with all those IB tests and college applications I would not be able to handle the job of president. But with Keith resigning and Eben not wanting to do it...plus there was this part of me that deeply wanted to try, that thought it was possible, that still thinks it was possible.
There have been only a few moments this year that I've felt on top of things, and those really did not last very long. Through the entire time, I've watched my handle on everything fall away, my grades slipped from one hand while I groped with the other to keep a strong sense of drama community going. I only nearly managed to apply to college; most of my applications were in on the last day. I can barely count on two hands the number of times that I've dissappointed my teachers and myself with half-hearted work. Drama, which once felt like a family to me...it just feels like a scattered group of people now. And I cannot help but feel like I've failed the entire lincoln theatre community. Ella, you made it seem so easy last year. I still don't understand.
I bitched about Jim earlier today, about Abes, because of the mistakes he made on the ballot, a few of which I told him to change. But then, it's really my fault for not realizing that the Abes awards stuff had to be done now. If I'd started this stuff two weeks ago, we would have had plenty of time. Really, every major event (except the second children's theatre workshop, which had other problems but we planned for well in advance) this year has been thought about by me about a week too late. Most of the work I've turned in this year has been also a week late or so, not counting the things that were two months late. I'm really sorry.
All though I'm pretty sure I know this isn't the case, I can't help this overwhelming feeling that I've let everyone down. I feel like I've failed every single person that I've met at lincoln, I feel like I've failed myself. It is so hard to breathe. If only I'd been more disciplined, if only I'd not been content to stay just a little bit under the water until now, if only I'd have skipped one lan party/hadn't wasted my time...if only.
If you add that to all the stress caused by girls(and my failures in my social life)...I really cannot take this. I really cannot. I've broken down more times this year than I have in my entire life, and thank god for understanding friends and teachers. Sometimes it's hard to keep my hands and eyes from shaking.
I had a nightmare the other day that Lincoln drama was occupied by a bunch of robots, who put on the cleanest, crispest, most lifeless production that you ever saw.
Luckily, besides the gripes about the ballots, I still have the time and energy to make a pretty good abes ceremony, I think. Thanks, rest of cabinet for doin' what I've asked of you whenever.
People like Akari Anderson, Zach Wood, Pete Richards, and Keith Brown help to make life worth living, to name a few.
Man, it feels like I should already know all the answers to these problems. It seems like I just should be able to reach into my mind and pull out this stress and craft it into a solution. I'm just too tired.
That's not to say that it's all been bad...it's just right now. No, there are good things and I should be grateful for them. I should call mark cohen.
"There's a light that never goes out [burnin' a hole inside of me]"
You know, when I became drama club President last year, I really didn't believe that I was capable of handling something like that. I thought that with full IB, which nearly made me buckle underneath all that stress junior year, with all those IB tests and college applications I would not be able to handle the job of president. But with Keith resigning and Eben not wanting to do it...plus there was this part of me that deeply wanted to try, that thought it was possible, that still thinks it was possible.
There have been only a few moments this year that I've felt on top of things, and those really did not last very long. Through the entire time, I've watched my handle on everything fall away, my grades slipped from one hand while I groped with the other to keep a strong sense of drama community going. I only nearly managed to apply to college; most of my applications were in on the last day. I can barely count on two hands the number of times that I've dissappointed my teachers and myself with half-hearted work. Drama, which once felt like a family to me...it just feels like a scattered group of people now. And I cannot help but feel like I've failed the entire lincoln theatre community. Ella, you made it seem so easy last year. I still don't understand.
I bitched about Jim earlier today, about Abes, because of the mistakes he made on the ballot, a few of which I told him to change. But then, it's really my fault for not realizing that the Abes awards stuff had to be done now. If I'd started this stuff two weeks ago, we would have had plenty of time. Really, every major event (except the second children's theatre workshop, which had other problems but we planned for well in advance) this year has been thought about by me about a week too late. Most of the work I've turned in this year has been also a week late or so, not counting the things that were two months late. I'm really sorry.
All though I'm pretty sure I know this isn't the case, I can't help this overwhelming feeling that I've let everyone down. I feel like I've failed every single person that I've met at lincoln, I feel like I've failed myself. It is so hard to breathe. If only I'd been more disciplined, if only I'd not been content to stay just a little bit under the water until now, if only I'd have skipped one lan party/hadn't wasted my time...if only.
If you add that to all the stress caused by girls(and my failures in my social life)...I really cannot take this. I really cannot. I've broken down more times this year than I have in my entire life, and thank god for understanding friends and teachers. Sometimes it's hard to keep my hands and eyes from shaking.
I had a nightmare the other day that Lincoln drama was occupied by a bunch of robots, who put on the cleanest, crispest, most lifeless production that you ever saw.
Luckily, besides the gripes about the ballots, I still have the time and energy to make a pretty good abes ceremony, I think. Thanks, rest of cabinet for doin' what I've asked of you whenever.
People like Akari Anderson, Zach Wood, Pete Richards, and Keith Brown help to make life worth living, to name a few.
Man, it feels like I should already know all the answers to these problems. It seems like I just should be able to reach into my mind and pull out this stress and craft it into a solution. I'm just too tired.
That's not to say that it's all been bad...it's just right now. No, there are good things and I should be grateful for them. I should call mark cohen.
"There's a light that never goes out [burnin' a hole inside of me]"