Forgiveness
This was posted a while ago on madjh and will be cross-posted to merlottes. My apologies to those of you who will see this for a second and possibly a third time on your flists.
Title: Forgiveness
Characters: Bill/Sookie
Rating: All Ages
Warnings: No squicks, mild spoilers for book 8 and chpt one of book 9 as posted by Ms. Harris on her website.
Summary: Sookie does some re-evaluating of her reaction to Bill's betrayals and considers her own culpability.
One-Shot
It had been a long night. Difficult in some ways, mostly satisfying, and yet still troubling. The weres were not my problem. I knew that. But I still cared. I was so proud of my town - sure there were those like Arlene and her FotS boyfriend - but Bon Temps had done me proud this evening with their easy acceptance of Tray and Sam. I wondered if they'd have been so easy going if Jason and his werepanther friend had shifted as well, but they'd certainly handled having a wolf and a collie running about the bar easily enough. I still wondered if the panthers were going to keep their secrets, or if they had simply felt that theirs was a revelation best had after the wolves had paved the way.
In any case you'd think I'd have gone home and gone to bed after such an eventful night waitressing at Merlotte's. But I didn't and I couldn't even tell you why. My mind wasn't occupied with anything in particular, it just wouldn't rest. And I found myself drawn to the cemetery near the house, rather than to the house itself. You might think that was strange, visiting a cemetery at night with no purpose in mind, but fear of the dead and their resting place wasn't something that affected me. I'd known a few too many dead people to give much thought to being scared of a grave. It wasn't the kind folk who lay silent that bothered me so much as those that didn't stay dead.
So I followed my feet inbetwixt the granite stones and let my mind relax. That was another thing about dead people. They were silent. I spent so much of my waking hours listening to the private thoughts of people around me - a constant chattering of everyday musings - that to simply hear nothing rested me. So many emotions, reactions, thoughts had swirled around me as the weres and shifters had made themselves known tonight that I suppose it was understandable that I'd seek a silent place. Home wasn't a silent place. It was a wonderful place filled with love and good memories of my gran, but it wasn't silent. Not with two witches living there with me.
No, the suprise wasn't in my midnight graveyard wanderings. The suprise lay in which grave I found myself resting at. The stone beneath my feet read, 'William Thomas Compton'. I sighed wearily and sank to the ground by the grave of the very first vampire I'd ever met. Bill had been there this evening, along with Clancy, to keep the peace if the people had started rioting. Thankfully their presence hadn't been needed - though it surely had been appreciated. Vampires and weres didn't much get along with one another, so it was a good sign that Eric - the vampire sheriff of Area 5 of Louisianna - had sent two of his employees to keep an eye on things in Bon Temps while the shifters across the nation had revealed themselves to the general population.
Bill. I'd been glad to see him. Glad to see my friend and former lover. The first lover and boyfriend I'd ever had. It's tough to date, you know, when you can read a guy's mind. Bill was the first man I'd ever been able to truly be myself with because I couldn't hear his thoughts. If he thought my butt was a little too wide, I didn't hear it and he sure as heck didn't say it. But a lot had happened since then and I couldn't exactly say as though we'd been great friends in the interim. There'd been a period of time when I'd tried to ignore him completely. I'd seen Alcide, the pack master of the Shreveport pack, abjure his girlfriend - meaning he acted as though she no longer existed. That's what I'd tried to do with Bill. It hadn't exactly worked, but I think it got me through most of my mad. We'd been civil to each other as of late, so maybe I wasn't so mad at him anymore. Still hurt. But not so angry.
I sifted the dirt mindlessly through my fingers - barely noticing how it stained my hands or how the scent of it soothed me. Though I'd realised whose grave I'd subconsciously chosen to visit, it was still a while before the memories drifted by. You see, there'd been a day when I'd thought Bill might've been burnt in a fire set on a vampire house in Monroe. He'd had acquaintances there and I had reason to believe he might've been visiting them. It was at this very spot that night where he'd clawed himself out of the earth and then proceeded to make love to me in the mud and the rain. I'd been the bearer of the bad news that his friends had been killed (a second, final time.) He'd been wild in his rage and I'd been just as insane with relief. The memory of being taken there, in the dirt - it was a powerful one.
I found myself picking apart the memory in my mind. Remembering his need for me that night, as well as his unquenchable rage. At the time I thought he might've killed me if I hadn't given him my body in another, more pleasurable manner. In retrospect, I know he'd have killed me. My illusions of the safety of vampires had long since been stripped from me. I knew what Bill was. I knew what he was capable of. I knew that for all he'd claimed to love me, what he was was more powerful than what might have been in his long dead heart.
I gasped as that last revelation rolled around in my head. The same could be said of Eric, too, couldn't it? Eric, who'd lost his memory and had been mine for a few short days. Even when he'd been prepared to give up everyting for me, I'd known better, hadn't I? I'd loved him so fully and yet in loving him I'd understood that what he'd offered, he could not give. He was vampire. He was over 1000 years old and the sherriff of Area Five. He didn't just have responsiblities, he had an existence. An existence that predated, and would most likely postdate, me.
I looked up and I knew that Bill would be standing there. I hadn't heard him, I didn't know how long he'd been there watching me, but I knew he was there.
"Did you love me?" I asked. I wasn't despondent, or looking for some kind of validation. I really wanted to know, had he loved me? Insofar as he was able as both a vampire and as one of Sophie-Ann's subjects. One who'd been ordered to seduce me.
"I did," he replied softly. "I do."
I nodded. "Explain this to me, please. I know a vampire can love, but how exactly does a mortal object of that love fit into the bigger picture? I mean, I'll die. How can you bear to love me? And how can it be love when everything that you are keeps you from ever actually sharing yourself with me?"
He was silent for a long time and I knew that he was thinking about how best to answer my question, as well as what my question really was. The thing was, I thought perhaps I knew the answer. Eric loved me too, and those few witch-induced amnesia days were the closest any vampire could ever come to truly loving. Perhaps that was why Eric was so affected by me - because he had felt things that were distinctly un-vampire.
"Perhaps the oldest and most powerful of my kind is truly free to love. My maker no longer exists and the Queen - to whom I owed fealty - who demanded I betray you no longer exists. With them gone I could say that I am free... but we both know that there are older and more powerful vampires, not the least of them, Eric, who could stand between us. But free or not, I do love you. Knowing that I have caused you pain is a torment that I'll suffer for my eternity, because I love you. And as I cannot help but love you, I will watch you fade from this world and know that my existence - such that it is - is richer for having known you."
He sat down beside me as I mulled over his words. He gave me a very serious look and began to speak again. "The thing that angers me, Sookie, is that I think love is worth fighting for. I thought that perhaps you felt the same - but you didn't fight to save your love for me."
I opened my mouth to snap back at him that I had fought plenty, but then closed my mouth without making sound. This wasn't about what he had done to deserve my anger and I was finally getting that. It was about forgiveness and understanding - and about how true forgiveness can't be earned.
"I guess I hurt you just about as much as you hurt me," I finally replied - though I didn't meet his gaze.
"You ended Lorena to save me. There have been countless occasions since then where I have been indebted to you - and yet if you had truly loved me there would be no debt between us. I know the obstacles seemed insurmountable, but one thing I never lied to you about was the fact that I am not human. A relationship with Eric presents the same hurdles to be overcome - though perhaps your eyes are a little wider open this time around."
I nodded. "You betrayed me because you had no choice. But you didn't have to lie to me, Bill. My life ended up in danger anyway. I think it would have been a hell of a lot better to have gone in knowing what I was up against and faced it side by side."
"And I can do no more than apologise. It wasn't enough before - is it now?"
I met his eye then. I couldn't help myself for the strain of hope I heard in his voice. "Maybe it is," I replied.
"Why?" he asked - his face hard and his tone steel.
"Because my eyes are open. I don't like that I've been with other men, but before I could understand you, I needed the experience. I remembered everything I'd done for you even though I'd hated you and Quinn knew and he still..." I trailed off in frustration. Bill knew enough to know that Quinn had allowed the vampires of Las Vegas to take advantage of his connection with me to take over the state of Louisianna. And it frustrated me to no end that he hadn't simply asked for my help. He was my boyfriend - if he'd only been honest with me...
I glared at Bill. "No. More. Lies. I get that you're vampire. I don't think there's another human out there that knows as much about the politics and intrigue of your species - but that doesn't mean it's okay to lie. And it's not okay to keep information from me. You can't wrap me up in a cloth to keep me from breaking. I land in more trouble by not knowing what's going on than anything else. You're vampire. I'm telepathic. Trouble's gonna come my way whether you like it or not so stop pretending your lies are for my own good."
The hint of a smile pulled at Bill's mouth, though his expression was still quite serious. "I am trouble, Sookie. I can look back at the choices I made and I can see where I might have done things differently, but I can't change what I am. I can promise to do my best to be more forthright, but I'd need a promise from you too, I think."
This... this was interesting. Before now, Bill would have taken me back anytime I'd wanted him to - no questions asked. But now? Now I found myself owning up to my part in our troubles and if I wanted his promises, I'd have to give my own. And suddenly another thing became very clear to me - hating Bill was safe. Loving him meant taking large risks. Neither of us were the sort to settle indefinitely into a casual relationship. We were the sort who wanted commitment. He was asking me for commitment - daring me, really. Taunting me with the fact that I had allowed us to be divided when perhaps I should have clung to my faith in him.
"I promise not to run away from this," I said. "I promise to fight for you, and for what we have. I promise not to let what you are come between us."
He pulled me into his lap and dipped his head to my shoulder. "I promise no more lies," he whispered unsteadily. "Though I may wish to protect you, I promise to treat you as my partner and my equal."
His partner and his equal? So completely against the grain of both the man he'd been and the creature he'd become. As difficult a task as it would be for me to overcome the many little jealousies that attacked me when he was compelled as a vampire to act against our better interests as a couple. He couldn't change who he was, and I couldn't allow him to put me in a glass box up on a shelf somewhere. It seemed to me that Bill and I had finally reached a compromise.
"I am yours," I said, my voice clear and strong.
Author Index
Title: Forgiveness
Characters: Bill/Sookie
Rating: All Ages
Warnings: No squicks, mild spoilers for book 8 and chpt one of book 9 as posted by Ms. Harris on her website.
Summary: Sookie does some re-evaluating of her reaction to Bill's betrayals and considers her own culpability.
One-Shot
It had been a long night. Difficult in some ways, mostly satisfying, and yet still troubling. The weres were not my problem. I knew that. But I still cared. I was so proud of my town - sure there were those like Arlene and her FotS boyfriend - but Bon Temps had done me proud this evening with their easy acceptance of Tray and Sam. I wondered if they'd have been so easy going if Jason and his werepanther friend had shifted as well, but they'd certainly handled having a wolf and a collie running about the bar easily enough. I still wondered if the panthers were going to keep their secrets, or if they had simply felt that theirs was a revelation best had after the wolves had paved the way.
In any case you'd think I'd have gone home and gone to bed after such an eventful night waitressing at Merlotte's. But I didn't and I couldn't even tell you why. My mind wasn't occupied with anything in particular, it just wouldn't rest. And I found myself drawn to the cemetery near the house, rather than to the house itself. You might think that was strange, visiting a cemetery at night with no purpose in mind, but fear of the dead and their resting place wasn't something that affected me. I'd known a few too many dead people to give much thought to being scared of a grave. It wasn't the kind folk who lay silent that bothered me so much as those that didn't stay dead.
So I followed my feet inbetwixt the granite stones and let my mind relax. That was another thing about dead people. They were silent. I spent so much of my waking hours listening to the private thoughts of people around me - a constant chattering of everyday musings - that to simply hear nothing rested me. So many emotions, reactions, thoughts had swirled around me as the weres and shifters had made themselves known tonight that I suppose it was understandable that I'd seek a silent place. Home wasn't a silent place. It was a wonderful place filled with love and good memories of my gran, but it wasn't silent. Not with two witches living there with me.
No, the suprise wasn't in my midnight graveyard wanderings. The suprise lay in which grave I found myself resting at. The stone beneath my feet read, 'William Thomas Compton'. I sighed wearily and sank to the ground by the grave of the very first vampire I'd ever met. Bill had been there this evening, along with Clancy, to keep the peace if the people had started rioting. Thankfully their presence hadn't been needed - though it surely had been appreciated. Vampires and weres didn't much get along with one another, so it was a good sign that Eric - the vampire sheriff of Area 5 of Louisianna - had sent two of his employees to keep an eye on things in Bon Temps while the shifters across the nation had revealed themselves to the general population.
Bill. I'd been glad to see him. Glad to see my friend and former lover. The first lover and boyfriend I'd ever had. It's tough to date, you know, when you can read a guy's mind. Bill was the first man I'd ever been able to truly be myself with because I couldn't hear his thoughts. If he thought my butt was a little too wide, I didn't hear it and he sure as heck didn't say it. But a lot had happened since then and I couldn't exactly say as though we'd been great friends in the interim. There'd been a period of time when I'd tried to ignore him completely. I'd seen Alcide, the pack master of the Shreveport pack, abjure his girlfriend - meaning he acted as though she no longer existed. That's what I'd tried to do with Bill. It hadn't exactly worked, but I think it got me through most of my mad. We'd been civil to each other as of late, so maybe I wasn't so mad at him anymore. Still hurt. But not so angry.
I sifted the dirt mindlessly through my fingers - barely noticing how it stained my hands or how the scent of it soothed me. Though I'd realised whose grave I'd subconsciously chosen to visit, it was still a while before the memories drifted by. You see, there'd been a day when I'd thought Bill might've been burnt in a fire set on a vampire house in Monroe. He'd had acquaintances there and I had reason to believe he might've been visiting them. It was at this very spot that night where he'd clawed himself out of the earth and then proceeded to make love to me in the mud and the rain. I'd been the bearer of the bad news that his friends had been killed (a second, final time.) He'd been wild in his rage and I'd been just as insane with relief. The memory of being taken there, in the dirt - it was a powerful one.
I found myself picking apart the memory in my mind. Remembering his need for me that night, as well as his unquenchable rage. At the time I thought he might've killed me if I hadn't given him my body in another, more pleasurable manner. In retrospect, I know he'd have killed me. My illusions of the safety of vampires had long since been stripped from me. I knew what Bill was. I knew what he was capable of. I knew that for all he'd claimed to love me, what he was was more powerful than what might have been in his long dead heart.
I gasped as that last revelation rolled around in my head. The same could be said of Eric, too, couldn't it? Eric, who'd lost his memory and had been mine for a few short days. Even when he'd been prepared to give up everyting for me, I'd known better, hadn't I? I'd loved him so fully and yet in loving him I'd understood that what he'd offered, he could not give. He was vampire. He was over 1000 years old and the sherriff of Area Five. He didn't just have responsiblities, he had an existence. An existence that predated, and would most likely postdate, me.
I looked up and I knew that Bill would be standing there. I hadn't heard him, I didn't know how long he'd been there watching me, but I knew he was there.
"Did you love me?" I asked. I wasn't despondent, or looking for some kind of validation. I really wanted to know, had he loved me? Insofar as he was able as both a vampire and as one of Sophie-Ann's subjects. One who'd been ordered to seduce me.
"I did," he replied softly. "I do."
I nodded. "Explain this to me, please. I know a vampire can love, but how exactly does a mortal object of that love fit into the bigger picture? I mean, I'll die. How can you bear to love me? And how can it be love when everything that you are keeps you from ever actually sharing yourself with me?"
He was silent for a long time and I knew that he was thinking about how best to answer my question, as well as what my question really was. The thing was, I thought perhaps I knew the answer. Eric loved me too, and those few witch-induced amnesia days were the closest any vampire could ever come to truly loving. Perhaps that was why Eric was so affected by me - because he had felt things that were distinctly un-vampire.
"Perhaps the oldest and most powerful of my kind is truly free to love. My maker no longer exists and the Queen - to whom I owed fealty - who demanded I betray you no longer exists. With them gone I could say that I am free... but we both know that there are older and more powerful vampires, not the least of them, Eric, who could stand between us. But free or not, I do love you. Knowing that I have caused you pain is a torment that I'll suffer for my eternity, because I love you. And as I cannot help but love you, I will watch you fade from this world and know that my existence - such that it is - is richer for having known you."
He sat down beside me as I mulled over his words. He gave me a very serious look and began to speak again. "The thing that angers me, Sookie, is that I think love is worth fighting for. I thought that perhaps you felt the same - but you didn't fight to save your love for me."
I opened my mouth to snap back at him that I had fought plenty, but then closed my mouth without making sound. This wasn't about what he had done to deserve my anger and I was finally getting that. It was about forgiveness and understanding - and about how true forgiveness can't be earned.
"I guess I hurt you just about as much as you hurt me," I finally replied - though I didn't meet his gaze.
"You ended Lorena to save me. There have been countless occasions since then where I have been indebted to you - and yet if you had truly loved me there would be no debt between us. I know the obstacles seemed insurmountable, but one thing I never lied to you about was the fact that I am not human. A relationship with Eric presents the same hurdles to be overcome - though perhaps your eyes are a little wider open this time around."
I nodded. "You betrayed me because you had no choice. But you didn't have to lie to me, Bill. My life ended up in danger anyway. I think it would have been a hell of a lot better to have gone in knowing what I was up against and faced it side by side."
"And I can do no more than apologise. It wasn't enough before - is it now?"
I met his eye then. I couldn't help myself for the strain of hope I heard in his voice. "Maybe it is," I replied.
"Why?" he asked - his face hard and his tone steel.
"Because my eyes are open. I don't like that I've been with other men, but before I could understand you, I needed the experience. I remembered everything I'd done for you even though I'd hated you and Quinn knew and he still..." I trailed off in frustration. Bill knew enough to know that Quinn had allowed the vampires of Las Vegas to take advantage of his connection with me to take over the state of Louisianna. And it frustrated me to no end that he hadn't simply asked for my help. He was my boyfriend - if he'd only been honest with me...
I glared at Bill. "No. More. Lies. I get that you're vampire. I don't think there's another human out there that knows as much about the politics and intrigue of your species - but that doesn't mean it's okay to lie. And it's not okay to keep information from me. You can't wrap me up in a cloth to keep me from breaking. I land in more trouble by not knowing what's going on than anything else. You're vampire. I'm telepathic. Trouble's gonna come my way whether you like it or not so stop pretending your lies are for my own good."
The hint of a smile pulled at Bill's mouth, though his expression was still quite serious. "I am trouble, Sookie. I can look back at the choices I made and I can see where I might have done things differently, but I can't change what I am. I can promise to do my best to be more forthright, but I'd need a promise from you too, I think."
This... this was interesting. Before now, Bill would have taken me back anytime I'd wanted him to - no questions asked. But now? Now I found myself owning up to my part in our troubles and if I wanted his promises, I'd have to give my own. And suddenly another thing became very clear to me - hating Bill was safe. Loving him meant taking large risks. Neither of us were the sort to settle indefinitely into a casual relationship. We were the sort who wanted commitment. He was asking me for commitment - daring me, really. Taunting me with the fact that I had allowed us to be divided when perhaps I should have clung to my faith in him.
"I promise not to run away from this," I said. "I promise to fight for you, and for what we have. I promise not to let what you are come between us."
He pulled me into his lap and dipped his head to my shoulder. "I promise no more lies," he whispered unsteadily. "Though I may wish to protect you, I promise to treat you as my partner and my equal."
His partner and his equal? So completely against the grain of both the man he'd been and the creature he'd become. As difficult a task as it would be for me to overcome the many little jealousies that attacked me when he was compelled as a vampire to act against our better interests as a couple. He couldn't change who he was, and I couldn't allow him to put me in a glass box up on a shelf somewhere. It seemed to me that Bill and I had finally reached a compromise.
"I am yours," I said, my voice clear and strong.
Author Index