[exo] fall from grace [1/2]
fall from grace
exo ; lu han/sehun, kai/lu han, sehun/kai, kai/lu han/sehun (in that order)
pg-15 ; 14000+ words
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
notes: because i really really like awkward third wheel kai yep. and angels!au is always relevant. always.
”But you knew there would always be spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was as though a young person had died for no reason.”
- “A Moveable Feast”, Ernest Hemingway
Kai watched the figure of the boy fall through the sky, blood-red sunset in the background. He waited for wings to erupt from the boy’s back, but as the boy drew closer and closer to the ground, nothing happened. In a sudden rush of panic Kai’s own wings burst out behind him as he shot towards the falling body, desperately trying to reach him just before it was too late.
He caught him just in time, grunting as Lu Han’s limp body crashed into his arms. It felt wrong though, Lu Han felt more solid than usual, more... human, and it scared him. What made Kai almost freeze in horror though was the red soaking Lu Han’s pristine white shirt, on his face, on his hair. Lu Han’s eyes were closed but his face was contorted in pain, and Kai fought back the bile rising up his throat at the pungent smell of blood.
He gritted his teeth and flew to a small deserted park, landing behind a clump of bushes and out of sight. His mind was reeling in panic and worry, hands shaking as he set Lu Han down on the grass. The boy didn’t even stir, and Kai wanted to scream out loud in utter frustration. He didn’t know what to do, much less what happened to Lu Han, and could only watch helplessly as color drained from Luhan’s already pale face; watch as life slowly trickle out of the boy who used to fly and bring happiness to the world with his songs of hope and promises.
Was it possible for beings like them to die?
Kai wasn’t sure, and he couldn’t think of what would happen if Lu Han -- if he really --
There was the sound of crunching gravel behind him and Kai froze, eyes darting wildly. Without a sound he crouched lower and folded his wings (which had been dragging across the ground) tighter and tighter into his back until they molded into the skin under his shirt. He hovered protectively over Lu Han, ears alert as the sound of footsteps drew nearer.
“Oh, excuse me, are you -- oh, shit.”
Kai looked up to see a young man staring at them, at the blood on the grass and on Kai’s hands and the pale, pale Lu Han, face aghast. A second later he snapped out of his shock and seemed to register the anguished look under the cautious (scared?) expression on Kai’s face.
The boy ran a hand through his caramel hair, crouching beside Kai as well, before he pressed two fingers to Lu Han’s wrist and paled.
“Shit, we gotta get him out of here.”
Kai wouldn’t usually have trusted somebody as fragile as Lu Han to the hands of a stranger, but he had no choice. The boy looked genuinely concerned, and as he helped Kai carry Lu Han out of the park, his hands were careful, gentle.
“We need to get him to a hospital,” the boy, who introduced himself as Sehun, had said. They shared Lu Han’s weight between them, careful not to touch or put pressure on his back, and Kai’s stomach lurched at the blood that dripped in their wake. It didn’t evaporate like it should, and it made him sicker. “There’s a hospital a few blocks away, and I think --”
“No!” Kai suddenly stopped, speaking up for the first time. Sehun also stopped walking, face confused and surprised that Kai had shouted at him. Kai’s mind was delirious with panic, but no matter how desperate the situation may be, he could not risk the possibility of his race being known. “No, please, just -- do anything but don’t take him to the hospital. Please.”
Sehun bit his lip, hesitating at the pleading tone in his voice. Kai knew that a hospital was what Lu Han needed, since he’s not like him anymore, but he couldn’t have people examine his body and find things that they weren’t supposed to know, things that weren’t human. It would be for the good of his race, Kai tried to console himself, but he still felt selfish.
“Alright,” Sehun finally said, and Kai looked up hopefully. “Let’s take him to my place. It’s not far from here, and I’m a med student, I’ll patch him up as best as I can.”
Kai breathed out a relieved thank you. Making up stories and lying to one person was always easier than having to explain the abnormalities of their bodies to a whole building of doctors.
They reached a small apartment building, and Kai slowed warily. Sehun shrugged at him, seeming to understand.
“Don’t worry, the people who live here aren't the nosy type. They won't even care," he assured him. They climbed up two flights of stairs, Lu Han swinging lifelessly between them, making Kai almost trip the stairs in worry. Sehun stopped in front of a door with the brass numbers 202 nailed to it, and carefully removed one of his hands from Lu Han's body to reach behind to his back pocket and retrieve his keys.
When they were finally inside, they deposited Lu Han on the couch on his stomach as he slept on. Sehun sprinted away from the room and Kai started hyperventilating as he noticed how deathly pale his friend had become over the short trip, brushing honey-colored locks from his eyes. His face was so peaceful, he could have been sleeping for all Kai knew.
A few moments later Sehun returned with a huge roll of bandages, scissors, and alcohol. He dropped to his knees beside the couch and pushed Kai out of the way as he started cutting open Lu Han's shirt, peeling away the blood-soaked fabric with his nose scrunched up in distaste.
Kai very nearly threw up at the sight that was presented to him. A huge gaping wound was revealed where Lu Han's wings were supposed to be (or smooth skin when he hid them from view). Still red and raw, with the remains of the wingbones jutting out, muscles and tissues torn carelessly in obvious haste. It was plain to see that somebody had deliberately cut out his wings, the whites of the bones sewn off messily, edges jagged.
"What the fuck --"
Kai's head snapped up to look at Sehun, completely forgetting he was there. The expression on his face was a mixture of horror and fascination, twisting his handsome features almost comically. He looked up at Kai in silent question, to which he replied with a terse, "I'll explain later."
He huffed but turned back to Lu Han, balling up pieces of cotton and dabbing them in alcohol, carefully siphoning off the blood that clung to Lu Han's skin and the wound. The process was slow and Kai couldn't help but pace the living room restlessly until Sehun barked at him to sit still, claiming he made him nervous as well.
Only when Sehun finally finished wrapping the bandages around Lu Han's torso did Kai look up at him hopefully. Sehun sighed wearily as he rolled the remainder of the bandages around his knuckles in a vacant sort of way.
"He'll live," Sehun said, and Kai's body sagged in relief at those two little words. "I've sterilized the wound as much as I can and as long as you keep pressure on his back he'll be fine. He lost a lot of blood, and will continue to lose some more until the wound closes up, or he gets it stitched. In a hospital."
Kai's lips were set in a thin line as he shook his head, and Sehun sighed again.
"Alright then, you have some explaining to do," he said, voice crisp and business-like. "What happened to him? What are -- why are there bones sticking out of his back like that?"
Kai rubbed his face and growled in frustration at nothing in particular. "I don't know what happened to him, I found him like that. As for the second question... I can't tell you."
"What?" he said indignantly. "Why not?"
"Because --"
Before he could continue, however, a small rustling noise caught their attention, and they both turn to see Lu Han stir, before his eyelids slowly fluttered open. Doe eyes still clouded with pain and disorientation locked into Sehun's gaze first, and immediately joy seemed to overtake the pain. He opened his mouth as though to greet Sehun, but then thought better closed it again.
"Lu Han!" Kai cried, sliding off the chair he was sitting down to kneel beside him, fingers stroking his hair shakily. "Oh, God, Lu Han -- thank goodness, I thought --"
"Kai?" he rasped, and Kai wanted to jump up and down in delight at the sound of that voice, spread his wings and take off to the moonlight. "Where am I? What happened?"
"It's okay, you're safe now, you'll be alright," he crooned to Lu Han, who had winced in pain as he shifted a little. "This is Sehun, he's the one who fixed you up."
Lu Han looked like he might say 'I know', but he only blushed a little, pink dusting his cheeks as he quietly said, "Nice to meet you, Sehun. Thank you for patching me up."
Sehun shrugged, kneeling down beside Kai as well to get to Lu Han's eye level. "Now can you tell us what happened to you?"
"No, stop, he can explain later after he rests," Kai protested. It's a little frightening how much Lu Han had paled over the short exchange.
"Kai, I can explain!"
"No, he's right," Sehun cut him off, running a hand through his hair. "You lost a lot of blood, you should rest. I'm sorry."
Lu Han bit his lip uncertainly, but then he nodded and closed his eyes, letting out a shaky breath. He looked relieved to be able to sleep again. Kai sighed wearily before pressing a kiss to his forehead, and a faint smile appeared on Lu Han's face as he tightened his grip on Kai's fingers. A soft snore soon filled the room, and the two watched Lu Han sleep peacefully, tension seeping out of their bones.
"Are you two -- I mean," Sehun cleared his throat pointedly, clearly embarrassed at what he was about to say. But Kai only looked at him in confusion, and Sehun sighed for the god knows how many times that night. “Are you two... dating?”
Kai’s eyes widened, and he glanced back at the peacefully sleeping Lu Han. His mind provided images of a human’s idea of dating. Candle light dinner, dates at the park, being in love. Kai shook his head to clear his thoughts.
"No," he said, absentmindedly stroking Lu Han's hair again. "He's just a friend of mine."
Sehun nodded, and they lapsed to awkward silence. The young med student was shifting his weight from one foot to the other, while Kai started humming a tune, and Lu Han's breathing visibly relaxed.
"Can he stay here?" Kai asked Sehun quietly, still stroking Lu Han's hair in an adoration Sehun didn't understand. He knew Sehun wouldn't be able to say no, Lu Han was still much too fragile to be moved. But still he hesitated, until Kai looked up at him hopefully.
"Alright," he sighed, rubbing his temples. “But you’ll come back tomorrow, right?”
“Don’t worry, I will,” Kai assured him, and he got up after pressing one last kiss to Lu Han’s hair. He bowed in gratitude at Sehun, and walked out of the apartment, Sehun locking the door behind him. He made himself invisible to human eyes again, and spread out his wings. Then he took off, flying through the wall to the other side of the apartment. He hovered in front of Sehun's apartment window, muddy brown wings flapping silently behind him.
Kai watched as Sehun stood looming over Lu Han for a long time, doing nothing but watch Lu Han slumber. Then he ran a hand through his hair, disappearing to his room and appeared a moment later carrying blankets. He piled them on Lu Han's still form, arranging them carefully so they wouldn't upset Lu Han's injured back. Then Sehun sat cross-legged on the floor near Lu Han's head, twisting a lock of Lu Han's blond hair in his fingers, and together, they watched him sleep.
There was a time once, when Lu Han and Kai would sit on the edge of the city’s tallest skyscraper, knees bumping softly and wings brushing against each other’s, and Lu Han would teach him about the universe and the stars and the galaxies beyond. Kai would always be only half-listening though, he’d be too busy admiring the pretty contrast of colors between their wings, earth-brown to a shimmering, pale gold, almost cream color.
Lu Han had lived a few centuries longer than Kai, and his knowledge of the world surpassed Kai’s by far. There was always this intelligent gleam in his large eyes and Kai often wondered if he’d ever be able to achieve such extensive knowledge of the universe like that.
“Look, that’s the Cygnus,” Luhan whispered, voice smooth and calming to Kai’s ear as he pointed up to the heavens. “Three big stars and two little ones across. It looks like a swan, see?”
Kai hummed nonchalantly, eyes busy raking over Lu Han’s features, from the gentle slope of his forehead to the sharp angle of his nose and the perfect curve of his lips. Even amongst their race Lu Han had always been one of the most beautiful, and everyone had fallen for his gentle personality and caring hands and lovely, lovely voice. Lu Han tore his gaze form the sky to stare at Kai, a frown forming between his brows.
“Kai?” he asked bemusedly, laughing a little. “Were you even listening to me?”
The said man shook his head and blinked rapidly, his confused expression making Lu Han laugh even more. Kai grinned sheepishly as Lu Han’s laughter washed over him, putting him at complete ease. It’s times like these when Kai wished time would stop altogether, for reasons unbeknown to him yet.
Kai returned early the next day, making himself visible and hiding his wings from view. His steps are slow, hands in his pocket as he strolled leisurely towards Sehun’s apartment. However, his steps sped up when he saw that the door of the apartment 202 was open wide, and Kai let himself in.
Lu Han was awake and sitting hunched on the couch, arms wrapped around himself. His gaze was vacant as he rocked back and forth, occasionally wincing in what Kai knew to be pain when he shifted his bandages against his back. Sehun was nowhere in sight.
"Lu Han?" he called, and Lu Han's eyes widened as they turned to him. "Why are you awake? Where's Sehun?"
There was a faint red circle rimming Lu Han's eyes as though he had been crying; even now he looked close to tears as well. Lu Han untangled his arms from around himself and opened them as he reached up to Kai, and immediately the other man dropped to his side and enveloped him in a hug.
"I told him, Kai," Lu Han mumbled against his neck, and Kai tensed upon hearing the words. "I told him what happened, and he said he doesn't believe me, I tried to make him see, but --"
"Lu Han, what did you tell him?" Kai cut across his sentence, pulling away from Lu Han to look at him in the eyes. Lu Han's hands were fisting the front of his shirt, trembling against Kai's chest as he took a deep breath.
"I told him that we weren't -- we weren't like him, and that I cut off my own wings, and he doesn't believe me, Kai! He said our race doesn't exist! I repeated myself a couple of times but he got angry and -- and stormed out... Kai, what's happening? Why is Sehun acting like that?"
Lu Han was near hysterical but Kai was silent, slowly processing the information. So Sehun had left after Lu Han had told him the truth Kai had tried so hard to protect the night before. He was probably just confused and upset, but that didn't change the fact that he knew about the existence of their race now.
"Why did you cut your wings out?" Kai opted to ask instead. Lu Han froze, and stared up at Kai with wide, frightened eyes. His mouth opened and closed without a sound as his hands dropped from Kai's chest into his lap. He looked so scared and confused Kai couldn't not let the matter drop with a quiet, "Never mind."
Lu Han looked like a jumbled mess of emotions, small and fragile as his hands shook a little. He was no longer the Lu Han Kai used to know; the calm, collected Lu Han who sang to the world to bring happiness. This Lu Han was frail and jumpy, and Kai had to get to know him all over again.
Lu Han seemed to sense his discomfort, and a small sigh escaped his lips. He smiled a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, weary and painful and Kai felt a dull ache somewhere in his chest because of it. Lu Han used to smell like vanilla and sunshine, like hope and newborn babies’ skin, but now all Kai could pick up was the sterile smell of bandages and alcohol and sweat; Lu Han smelt human. There were tired lines on his forehead that were never there before, spidery cracks of red bleeding into the whites of his eyes.
Sehun came back ten minutes later, hair in disarray, still wearing the clothes Kai knew he went to bed with last night. He was only wearing slippers. Sehun didn’t seem surprised to find Kai there. He closed the door of his apartment and locked it with a quiet click, and walked over to sit on the arm of the sofa opposite theirs. All of a sudden Kai was struck by how young he looked, probably no older than nineteen, the lines of his face soft with traces of baby fat still clinging to his cheeks. Even so his eyes were sharp and hung down on the edges, as if he’d experienced too much and seen too much of this world.
“Is he telling the truth?” The question sounded more like a demand coming from Sehun’s lips, voice jarring and loud in the silent apartment, and from the corner of his eyes Kai saw Lu Han flinch.
Lu Han placed a hand on his arm, the touch gentle as though he’s saying please.
Kai sighed and simply said, “Yes.”
“Prove it,” Sehun demanded again, without missing a beat. Kai narrowed his eyes at him, but Sehun stared back challengingly. Prove him... how? This boy was too nosy for his own good, Kai decided, and right now he wished it was somebody else who had found Lu Han.
"Kai," Lu Han whispered from his right, gripping Kai's arm so tightly his knuckles turned white, but Kai didn't feel a thing. "Kai, show him your wings."
The taller man whipped his head round to Lu Han's direction in shock, disbelief written all over his features. "No," he said flatly.
"If you -- if you show me," Sehun piped up, and Kai turned back to him to see him with wide, hopeful eyes. It surprised Kai, to say the least. "I'll let Lu Han stay here for as long as necessary."
"Please," Lu Han whispered again as he hid his face in Kai's shoulder, body quivering.
Kai sighed and threw back his head frustratedly, frowning at the sacred deity up there for this misfortune. Weren't they supposed to keep their existence from humans? If so, was he supposed to just let Lu Han live on the streets, injured like that? Was that his punishment for giving up on immortality for humanity?
He sighed again and turned to Sehun. The boy was young and naive and curious, Kai was sure. But there was also doubt there, and insecurity and long-inflicted pain Kai’s not sure what to think of.
In the end, Kai decided that Sehun could be trusted.
"But you must not tell anyone," he said, emphasizing each word to make sure he's drilled it properly into Sehun's pretty head. Sehun nodded, and Kai hoped he made the right decision. "Close your eyes."
Sehun did as he was told and Kai stood up, and with the power of his mind, he willed his wings to become visible. They unfurled slowly from his back, growing larger and larger until they stopped getting bigger, filling almost half of the space in the cramped living room. He shook the brown feathers lightly to regain feeling in them, and Lu Han smiled, making him look like the Lu Han Kai used to know, if only for a moment.
"Sehun? You can open your eyes now," Lu Han said, and Sehun opened his eyes. When he caught sight of the gigantic wings he fell off his seat with a dull thud and a groan of pain.
Kai watched amusedly as Sehun's expression changed from shock, to disbelief, to wonder. His eyes raked over the brown feathers from tip to tip, from the small downy feathers near the base to the longest flight feathers at the bottom, almost as long as Kai's arm. Kai ruffled them a little and Sehun jumped in fright, making Lu Han laugh.
"Wow," he breathed, slowly inching his way to the wings, which Kai had folded neatly against his back. "Wow. How big are they? If you stretch them?"
"About five meters across, I think," Lu Han answered for Kai, now smiling brightly.
"Wow," Sehun repeated, eyes twinkling in wonder like a child at Christmas. "So you really do exist."
The following afternoon while Sehun was still in class, Kai sat with Lu Han on the roof of the apartment building in silence, hands clasped together between them. Kai stretched his wings and curled one around Lu Han's shoulders the best he can, shielding him from the cool air. Lu Han stroked at the feathers softly, reminiscence on the tips of his fingers.
“Kai,” Lu Han whispered softly, and Kai hummed in response. “Make yourself invisible. I want to see if this really works.”
Lu Han sat up, no longer leaning on to Kai, and Kai couldn’t help but notice the fierce determination in those large, expressive eyes. He sighed and stood up, pulling Lu Han along with him. Dread settled on the pit of Kai’s stomach for reasons unknown, and he let go of Lu Han’s hand.
He spent a while studying Lu Han’s face, the small, subtle changes. The way his skin no longer glowed in that unearthly way, the tiny, almost indistinguishable lines marring the once smooth, flawless face. His heart felt heavy as he walked around Lu Han, stopping behind him. From the back Lu Han looked tiny and frail in Sehun’s over sized shirt, shoulders sagging. He was still staring straight ahead, at the spot where Kai disappeared in front of him.
“Hey,” Kai called out softly from behind him, and Lu Han stiffened, before turning around slowly. His eyes were wide in wonder at finding Kai standing behind him instead of in front of him. And then a smile bloomed on Lu Han’s face, stretching his face almost painfully, and tears fell from his eyes. Kai, panicking, jumped at the sight of the tears and hurried over to Lu Han who had started sobbing with his face in his hands.
“Lu Han? Lu Han, are you okay?” Kai hovered uncertainly around him, hands placed awkwardly in his shoulder and Lu Han’s wails became louder.
Kai finally managed to make him sit down and calm him with shaking hands around his waist. Lu Han sobbed into Kai’s chest until only hiccups are left, fingers curled at the fabric of Kai’s shirt.
“I’m sorry,” Lu Han mumbled, hiding his face in Kai’s shoulder. The tips of his ears were red, the flush reaching down to the base of his neck. The old Lu Han could never, would never, blush like that, but Kai found the color endearing nevertheless. He stroked Lu Han’s neck with the tips of his fingers, watched as Lu Han shivered and the color turned darker. “I’m sorry, I was just happy, I guess. No -- wait, I don’t know,” Lu Han whined helplessly. “Human emotions are so powerful I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m happy that this worked, that I’m human now, but at the same time I’m sad that I’ll never have what you still have ever again. That one day this body will grow old and wrinkly and finally give out while you’ll always remain young and healthy. I don’t know.”
Kai thought back to all those times that Lu Han would sit with him on a skyscraper, and his stories of the galaxies and the universe and the one hundred thousand million stars in the milky way alone. That even the brightest stars will someday die.
“Do you regret it, though?” Kai murmured quietly to Lu Han’s hair. His chest gave a tug when Lu Han answered with a shake of his head.
As a recent addition to the human race, there were many things Lu Han had to learn about humans and their strange behaviors. He was a quick learner though, utilizing his past experiences from people watching for many years and was always eager to learn new things. However humans had changed a lot in the past decade alone, and a decade is nothing to beings like them.
The thing that Lu Han had to get used to the most though, were human emotions. Often during the first few weeks he would shed tears at the sunset or a drama he watched on tv after dinner. He’d laugh hysterically at the least funny things and forget the human’s bodily process on a daily basis, forgetting to eat all day until Sehun came home from school and panicked when Lu Han went faint with hunger.
Kai, disgruntled as he was, was glad that Sehun was there to watch over Lu Han.
One day, Lu Han had carelessly cut his finger with a knife as he was chopping carrots, momentarily forgetting he was no longer invincible. Blood gushed from the cut and the knife clattered to the floor as Lu Han gasped and clutched his hand to his chest. Kai wanted to help, he really did, but he didn’t know how, so he called for Sehun instead. While cleaning the wound, Sehun reprimanded Lu Han about the need to be very careful with his body, then wrapped Lu Han’s injured finger with a band-aid.
As he watched them, Lu Han’s sheepish apology and the look in Sehun’s eyes as he ruffled his hair, Kai realized he could no longer take care of Lu Han the way he used to. He has duties to attend to, anyway. His mouth felt bitter every time he watched them interact, his tongue heavy with disappointment.
So Kai watched them in the background, carefully staying a step behind as Lu Han learned and Sehun taught him of the human ways.
Lu Han, Kai noticed, had taken a liking to the medical world. He had greedily read all of Sehun’s books within three months, an amazing feat, considering that books were practically everywhere in Sehun’s apartment. The three bookcases in the living room were bursting at the seams, thick volumes on the human anatomy strewn on every table and surface, and some were even stacked on the floor in corners.
Kai often caught Lu Han staying up late into the night, reading and keeping Sehun company when the boy had to finish papers and assignments. He disturbed Sehun often with questions even when Sehun was at his busiest, but Sehun never seemed to mind. He’d put down his pen and answer Lu Han’s questions patiently, and Lu Han would nod, then thank Sehun with a bright smile.
After scientific reads, Lu Han soon found interest in literature, and quickly fell in love with Shakespeare and Homer and Hemingway.
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,” Lu Han read aloud from A Midsummer Night’s Dream to Kai one night after Sehun has passed out on his desk. His eyes are soft as he stroked the pages of the book lovingly. “And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”
One day Kai was assigned to fetch the soul of an old woman dying from cancer. She had been terminally ill for years, and now, her body finally decided to give up. He was sitting on the arm of the chair on the corner of her hospital room, invisible to anyone but her, whose soul was sitting delicately on the plush cushions beside him with her hands folded in her lap. Her children and grandchildren were gathered around her lifeless, physical body on the hospital bed, crying and sobbing their throats raw.
Kai glanced at her from the corner of his eyes. She looked calm as she watched her children cry over her, yet that sadness was still there in her gray orbs. He often wondered why old people always seemed a lot more calm in death than younger ones who would cry along with their loved ones. He never asked.
“Are you sad?” Kai asked, deviating from his usual routine. She looked up at him, her soft gaze wise. She must have been beautiful when she was younger, Kai thought in the back of his mind as she smiled meaningfully.
“Of course I am, young man,” she answered and turned back to face her family. Kai kind of wanted to tell her that he’s lived way longer than her short seventy eight years of life, but he held his mouth shut. Her youngest granddaughter who was three and a half years old, laid next to her still form and stroked the thin paper-like skin of her cheeks with her stubby fingers. She was the only one who didn’t shed a tear, only looking at her grandmother’s closed eyelids with a wistful gaze. “But I’ve had my fill of life, and even gave birth to life, so I guess my deed is done and my time is up.”
Kai frowned lightly, not understanding the situation. “But... don’t you love them?”
At that she laughed and smacked his arm playfully, and Kai toppled off his seat. “Of course I love them, my dear boy, of course I do!” she laughed some more as Kai picked himself off the floor and sat back on the arm of the chair. “But all things come to an end, you should know that better than anyone, and my husband’s waiting for me up there, I can’t keep him waiting.”
She smiled dreamily and Kai was struck by how similar it was to that of a lovesick schoolgirl. The old woman tilted her head at him expectantly and Kai nodded, standing up and offering his hand to her. When her hand met his, suddenly all the wrinkles disappeared from her face, her gray hair became thick and healthy again, black as ebony, and her skin glowed with youth. She stood tall and willowy, bones delicate and movements graceful as she smoothed the folds of her blue dress. Her smile was wide and bright as she gripped his hand tighter, different from the pale, old body on the sheets.
Kai was right, she was beautiful. She had embraced death willingly and left life on earth behind with a smile, eyes darting up to the sky as if she could already see her husband in the gates of heaven, waiting for her.
Her family had ceased their crying, and was now kneeling on the sides of her bed, hands clasped and head bowed in a prayer. She gave them one last fleeting gaze of affection before Kai led her out of the door, and together, they departed for the afterlife.
Three weeks later, Sehun changed the bandages on Lu Han’s back to find that a thin layer of skin had grown over the wound and protruding bones, pink and soft like baby’s skin. Sehun had nodded to himself in approval, a small smile on his lips, and wrapped a fresh roll of bandages around Lu Han’s torso. Kai watched as goose pimples broke over Lu Han’s skin where Sehun’s gentle hands roamed over, their equally pale complexions complementing each other. Kai held up his hand in front of his face to scrutinize them, frowning at the dark olive skin of his arms.
“Good, this is really good, you’re healing quite well,” Sehun announced happily. “You’ll be good as new in a few more weeks!”
Sehun was humming to himself as he put away the bandages in his room, but Kai couldn’t help but notice that Lu Han looked a little disappointed as he buttoned his shirt back on, the corners of his mouth turned down and eyes downcast.
“Lu Han are you alright?” Kai asked softly, setting a hand on top of Lu Han’s head. Lu Han looked up at him with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, and sighed when Kai’s expression was skeptical.
“I just --”
But before Lu Han could finish his sentence, Sehun had came back into the room and threw a jacket to Lu Han’s lap, pulling a dark grey sweater over his head at the same time.
“What’s this for?” Lu Han asked, inspecting the cream-colored jacket. He held up the piece of clothing curiously, turning it over and over and then handing it to Kai. Kai thumbed the soft wool of the jacket, and absentmindedly thought that this was the color of Lu Han’s wings, before he cut them out.
“Well...” Sehun looked nervous, fidgeting as he scratched the back of his neck. His eyes were darting around the room, anywhere but to where Lu Han was sitting, looking up at him with wide eyes. “Since you’re getting better, I was wondering... maybe you’d like to go out and grab some coffee? If -- if you want to, I mean, it’s a Saturday so I don’t have class today, but I’m alright if you just wanna stay at home! I’m sure we can watch movies instead or something!”
“Sehun,” Lu Han said softly, smile genuine this time, and Kai’s chest ached. “I’d love to.”
Sehun seemed to have lost the ability to speak while Lu Han continued to smile pleasantly at him. There was a light blush on Sehun’s cheeks and he looked even more fidgety than before, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Okay, well put -- put the jacket on and we can go.” He gestured to the clothing in Lu Han’s lap, then turned to Kai. “Kai, do you want to come?”
Kai looked at the eager way Lu Han pulled the jacket on, and the gentle gaze in which Sehun watched Lu Han struggle. There was a lump in his throat, clogging up his airway even though technically he didn’t need to breathe, but it’s uncomfortable nonetheless. He tried to swallow it down unsuccessfully and finally rasped out, “No, I... I have something to do. You two have fun.”
Lu Han looked up at him, concerned, his hand gripping Kai’s arm worriedly, but said nothing as Kai walked out of Sehun’s apartment.
Kai waited outside Sehun’s apartment door, hands folded in front of him as he leaned against the opposite wall. His eyes were trained on his boots, watching the particles of dust float about around his legs as he let himself disappear from the eyes of the world around him.
He thought back to the times he and Lu Han would spend together, and compared them to how Lu Han’s slipping out of his grasp now; like the grains of sand on the beaches Lu Han loved so much, falling farther and farther away from Kai as Sehun continued to enrapture him in a way Kai never could.
A few moments later the door of apartment 202 opened and Sehun and Lu Han walked out, hand in hand. Sehun looked pleased with himself, while Lu Han looked downright happy as he swung their hands back and forth. Kai watched them go, heading straight for the stairs without even sparing him a glance. Lu Han didn’t even give any indications he felt Kai was there, if he did feel him.
The two continued to chat about idle things as they disappeared down the stairs, but Kai stayed in his position, trying not to think too much about Sehun’s hand on the small of Lu Han’s back as he guided him out of the apartment block. He arranged the position of some of the feathers on his wings as the sound of Sehun and Lu Han’s footsteps disappeared, bending them this way and that, feeling the muscles along his wings strain and flex. Then he sighed, taking off through the ceiling.
Kai floated around aimlessly, leisurely flapping his wings five metres above the ground as he searched the crowd for two familiar heads. He spotted Sehun and Lu Han walking side by side, Sehun telling a story to Lu Han, hands moving around animatedly while Lu Han laughed, clutching his side.
They entered a small cafe, the bell above the door tinkling merrily. Kai landed on the ground gently and watched through the window of the cafe as the two chose a table in the far corner. He walked through the glass towards where Sehun and Lu Han sat, paying no attention to the tables and chairs in his way as they passed right through him.
He reached them just as Sehun finished ordering two cappuccinos to the waitress, and she bowed before heading back to the counter to make their orders. Kai slid into the seat beside Sehun, facing Lu Han, and watched them talk about the most mundane things. He tuned out most of the conversation though, opting to instead watch the changing expressions on Lu Han's face with a hand propping up his chin, all the feelings clearly written in his wide eyes.
Sometimes Kai wondered what it would be like, being human. Feeling emotions at its fullest, feeling pain and agony and happiness just as humans do. Sometimes he already felt overwhelmed by what little emotions his race could feel, and wondered how humans cope with their more complex ones. Fear in particular was a strange concept to beings like him, because he doesn't feel fear, doesn't know it.
There was a strange sort of vibe surrounding Lu Han, a mixture of content, peace, and happiness, coagulating with each word that passed Sehun’s lips. It’s thick and tangible in the air and he could almost inhale it, to the point Kai’s slightly concerned how Lu Han’s small frame could contain such an emotion.
He sensed a similar emotion from Sehun as well, as he passed the boy a glance. But it was nowhere near as large as Lu Han’s, and was mixed with curiosity.
Their orders arrived and Sehun thanked the waitress as she bowed, while Lu Han stared at the drinks in the two identical cups with interest. Kai watched Lu Han pull one to his end of the table and start playing with the frothy foam with his spoon, distorting the pretty leaf pattern as he swirled the spoon round and round eagerly. Sehun chuckled at his antics, and Lu Han looked up, a surprised expression on his face as his cheeks turned pink.
They continued their meaningless conversation, punctuated by laughter and happiness that radiated from the two of them. Such a curious thing, happiness. Kai had only ever felt a vague sense of contentment instead. All of his race had been born with their senses dulled, so as to not have their feelings get in the way when they carried out their individual jobs.
It soon rained, and Lu Han followed the drops of rain with his fingers as they slid down the windowpane. The water crisscrossed into each other’s paths, creating a bigger drop, before they accumulated at the wood of the sill. Sehun watched Lu Han take in the sights while occasionally sipping his drink, and Kai would catch something akin to affection every time Sehun’s eyes set on Lu Han.
Once Lu Han caught Sehun staring at him and he blushed, hurriedly pulling his cup towards him and taking a large gulp. The scalding cappuccino burnt his tongue and he cried out in surprise and pain, pushing the cup away.
“Stupid,” Sehun muttered after he came back from the counter with a glass of cold water. Lu Han drank it all in one go, and his panicked flailing reduced, though his eyes were still somewhat teary. He whined piteously and Sehun laughed, eyes disappearing as laughter shook his body, the sound warm and pleasant. Lu Han blushed even harder than before, but eventually started chuckling as well.
“Lu Han,” Sehun started, and both Lu Han and Kai turned their heads to his direction. “If you don’t mind me asking you... why did you decide to, you know, cut off your wings?”
Lu Han’s expression turned solemn as he trained his eyes to his drink instead, stirring it until all the foam disappeared. The sound of the spoon clinking against the ceramic was the only noise that passed between them, and Kai could see the way Lu Han’s fingers trembled ever so slightly as he twirled the spoon round and round.
Lu Han was never one to lie about anything. But Kai knew he was lying this time, with how Lu Han’s voice cracked around the edges with subtle apology, the tiny waver of guilt.
“Our race can’t feel emotions like humans do, you see,” he started. “I’ve been watching humans for centuries, and I’ve always envied how they could be happy until they cry, or feel such agony until they couldn’t live with themselves anymore, I -- I want that. I should be happy with not being able to feel what you humans might think as troublesome emotions like fear or anxiety or anger, but I want to be like you, like humans...”
His voice trailed off in the end and Kai frowned. That was a strange answer, but Sehun seemed to buy it, expression sympathetic.
“Do you regret it?” Sehun asked the question Kai’s asked before softly, and Kai heard the tiniest traces of hope underlying the faked indifference. The boy was staring at Lu Han with his head tilted, as if trying to work him out and read him like a particularly difficult quiz he received in class.
Lu Han met Sehun’s gaze, eyes gentle and so full of raw emotion that Kai could almost feel it overflow out of Lu Han, seeping out of his very pores and making Kai choke. His bright eyes seemed to twinkle in the soft glow of the candle in the middle of the table, and Kai heard Sehun’s breath hitch just the slightest bit.
“No,” he whispered.
Part II
exo ; lu han/sehun, kai/lu han, sehun/kai, kai/lu han/sehun (in that order)
pg-15 ; 14000+ words
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
notes: because i really really like awkward third wheel kai yep. and angels!au is always relevant. always.
”But you knew there would always be spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was as though a young person had died for no reason.”
- “A Moveable Feast”, Ernest Hemingway
Kai watched the figure of the boy fall through the sky, blood-red sunset in the background. He waited for wings to erupt from the boy’s back, but as the boy drew closer and closer to the ground, nothing happened. In a sudden rush of panic Kai’s own wings burst out behind him as he shot towards the falling body, desperately trying to reach him just before it was too late.
He caught him just in time, grunting as Lu Han’s limp body crashed into his arms. It felt wrong though, Lu Han felt more solid than usual, more... human, and it scared him. What made Kai almost freeze in horror though was the red soaking Lu Han’s pristine white shirt, on his face, on his hair. Lu Han’s eyes were closed but his face was contorted in pain, and Kai fought back the bile rising up his throat at the pungent smell of blood.
He gritted his teeth and flew to a small deserted park, landing behind a clump of bushes and out of sight. His mind was reeling in panic and worry, hands shaking as he set Lu Han down on the grass. The boy didn’t even stir, and Kai wanted to scream out loud in utter frustration. He didn’t know what to do, much less what happened to Lu Han, and could only watch helplessly as color drained from Luhan’s already pale face; watch as life slowly trickle out of the boy who used to fly and bring happiness to the world with his songs of hope and promises.
Was it possible for beings like them to die?
Kai wasn’t sure, and he couldn’t think of what would happen if Lu Han -- if he really --
There was the sound of crunching gravel behind him and Kai froze, eyes darting wildly. Without a sound he crouched lower and folded his wings (which had been dragging across the ground) tighter and tighter into his back until they molded into the skin under his shirt. He hovered protectively over Lu Han, ears alert as the sound of footsteps drew nearer.
“Oh, excuse me, are you -- oh, shit.”
Kai looked up to see a young man staring at them, at the blood on the grass and on Kai’s hands and the pale, pale Lu Han, face aghast. A second later he snapped out of his shock and seemed to register the anguished look under the cautious (scared?) expression on Kai’s face.
The boy ran a hand through his caramel hair, crouching beside Kai as well, before he pressed two fingers to Lu Han’s wrist and paled.
“Shit, we gotta get him out of here.”
Kai wouldn’t usually have trusted somebody as fragile as Lu Han to the hands of a stranger, but he had no choice. The boy looked genuinely concerned, and as he helped Kai carry Lu Han out of the park, his hands were careful, gentle.
“We need to get him to a hospital,” the boy, who introduced himself as Sehun, had said. They shared Lu Han’s weight between them, careful not to touch or put pressure on his back, and Kai’s stomach lurched at the blood that dripped in their wake. It didn’t evaporate like it should, and it made him sicker. “There’s a hospital a few blocks away, and I think --”
“No!” Kai suddenly stopped, speaking up for the first time. Sehun also stopped walking, face confused and surprised that Kai had shouted at him. Kai’s mind was delirious with panic, but no matter how desperate the situation may be, he could not risk the possibility of his race being known. “No, please, just -- do anything but don’t take him to the hospital. Please.”
Sehun bit his lip, hesitating at the pleading tone in his voice. Kai knew that a hospital was what Lu Han needed, since he’s not like him anymore, but he couldn’t have people examine his body and find things that they weren’t supposed to know, things that weren’t human. It would be for the good of his race, Kai tried to console himself, but he still felt selfish.
“Alright,” Sehun finally said, and Kai looked up hopefully. “Let’s take him to my place. It’s not far from here, and I’m a med student, I’ll patch him up as best as I can.”
Kai breathed out a relieved thank you. Making up stories and lying to one person was always easier than having to explain the abnormalities of their bodies to a whole building of doctors.
They reached a small apartment building, and Kai slowed warily. Sehun shrugged at him, seeming to understand.
“Don’t worry, the people who live here aren't the nosy type. They won't even care," he assured him. They climbed up two flights of stairs, Lu Han swinging lifelessly between them, making Kai almost trip the stairs in worry. Sehun stopped in front of a door with the brass numbers 202 nailed to it, and carefully removed one of his hands from Lu Han's body to reach behind to his back pocket and retrieve his keys.
When they were finally inside, they deposited Lu Han on the couch on his stomach as he slept on. Sehun sprinted away from the room and Kai started hyperventilating as he noticed how deathly pale his friend had become over the short trip, brushing honey-colored locks from his eyes. His face was so peaceful, he could have been sleeping for all Kai knew.
A few moments later Sehun returned with a huge roll of bandages, scissors, and alcohol. He dropped to his knees beside the couch and pushed Kai out of the way as he started cutting open Lu Han's shirt, peeling away the blood-soaked fabric with his nose scrunched up in distaste.
Kai very nearly threw up at the sight that was presented to him. A huge gaping wound was revealed where Lu Han's wings were supposed to be (or smooth skin when he hid them from view). Still red and raw, with the remains of the wingbones jutting out, muscles and tissues torn carelessly in obvious haste. It was plain to see that somebody had deliberately cut out his wings, the whites of the bones sewn off messily, edges jagged.
"What the fuck --"
Kai's head snapped up to look at Sehun, completely forgetting he was there. The expression on his face was a mixture of horror and fascination, twisting his handsome features almost comically. He looked up at Kai in silent question, to which he replied with a terse, "I'll explain later."
He huffed but turned back to Lu Han, balling up pieces of cotton and dabbing them in alcohol, carefully siphoning off the blood that clung to Lu Han's skin and the wound. The process was slow and Kai couldn't help but pace the living room restlessly until Sehun barked at him to sit still, claiming he made him nervous as well.
Only when Sehun finally finished wrapping the bandages around Lu Han's torso did Kai look up at him hopefully. Sehun sighed wearily as he rolled the remainder of the bandages around his knuckles in a vacant sort of way.
"He'll live," Sehun said, and Kai's body sagged in relief at those two little words. "I've sterilized the wound as much as I can and as long as you keep pressure on his back he'll be fine. He lost a lot of blood, and will continue to lose some more until the wound closes up, or he gets it stitched. In a hospital."
Kai's lips were set in a thin line as he shook his head, and Sehun sighed again.
"Alright then, you have some explaining to do," he said, voice crisp and business-like. "What happened to him? What are -- why are there bones sticking out of his back like that?"
Kai rubbed his face and growled in frustration at nothing in particular. "I don't know what happened to him, I found him like that. As for the second question... I can't tell you."
"What?" he said indignantly. "Why not?"
"Because --"
Before he could continue, however, a small rustling noise caught their attention, and they both turn to see Lu Han stir, before his eyelids slowly fluttered open. Doe eyes still clouded with pain and disorientation locked into Sehun's gaze first, and immediately joy seemed to overtake the pain. He opened his mouth as though to greet Sehun, but then thought better closed it again.
"Lu Han!" Kai cried, sliding off the chair he was sitting down to kneel beside him, fingers stroking his hair shakily. "Oh, God, Lu Han -- thank goodness, I thought --"
"Kai?" he rasped, and Kai wanted to jump up and down in delight at the sound of that voice, spread his wings and take off to the moonlight. "Where am I? What happened?"
"It's okay, you're safe now, you'll be alright," he crooned to Lu Han, who had winced in pain as he shifted a little. "This is Sehun, he's the one who fixed you up."
Lu Han looked like he might say 'I know', but he only blushed a little, pink dusting his cheeks as he quietly said, "Nice to meet you, Sehun. Thank you for patching me up."
Sehun shrugged, kneeling down beside Kai as well to get to Lu Han's eye level. "Now can you tell us what happened to you?"
"No, stop, he can explain later after he rests," Kai protested. It's a little frightening how much Lu Han had paled over the short exchange.
"Kai, I can explain!"
"No, he's right," Sehun cut him off, running a hand through his hair. "You lost a lot of blood, you should rest. I'm sorry."
Lu Han bit his lip uncertainly, but then he nodded and closed his eyes, letting out a shaky breath. He looked relieved to be able to sleep again. Kai sighed wearily before pressing a kiss to his forehead, and a faint smile appeared on Lu Han's face as he tightened his grip on Kai's fingers. A soft snore soon filled the room, and the two watched Lu Han sleep peacefully, tension seeping out of their bones.
"Are you two -- I mean," Sehun cleared his throat pointedly, clearly embarrassed at what he was about to say. But Kai only looked at him in confusion, and Sehun sighed for the god knows how many times that night. “Are you two... dating?”
Kai’s eyes widened, and he glanced back at the peacefully sleeping Lu Han. His mind provided images of a human’s idea of dating. Candle light dinner, dates at the park, being in love. Kai shook his head to clear his thoughts.
"No," he said, absentmindedly stroking Lu Han's hair again. "He's just a friend of mine."
Sehun nodded, and they lapsed to awkward silence. The young med student was shifting his weight from one foot to the other, while Kai started humming a tune, and Lu Han's breathing visibly relaxed.
"Can he stay here?" Kai asked Sehun quietly, still stroking Lu Han's hair in an adoration Sehun didn't understand. He knew Sehun wouldn't be able to say no, Lu Han was still much too fragile to be moved. But still he hesitated, until Kai looked up at him hopefully.
"Alright," he sighed, rubbing his temples. “But you’ll come back tomorrow, right?”
“Don’t worry, I will,” Kai assured him, and he got up after pressing one last kiss to Lu Han’s hair. He bowed in gratitude at Sehun, and walked out of the apartment, Sehun locking the door behind him. He made himself invisible to human eyes again, and spread out his wings. Then he took off, flying through the wall to the other side of the apartment. He hovered in front of Sehun's apartment window, muddy brown wings flapping silently behind him.
Kai watched as Sehun stood looming over Lu Han for a long time, doing nothing but watch Lu Han slumber. Then he ran a hand through his hair, disappearing to his room and appeared a moment later carrying blankets. He piled them on Lu Han's still form, arranging them carefully so they wouldn't upset Lu Han's injured back. Then Sehun sat cross-legged on the floor near Lu Han's head, twisting a lock of Lu Han's blond hair in his fingers, and together, they watched him sleep.
There was a time once, when Lu Han and Kai would sit on the edge of the city’s tallest skyscraper, knees bumping softly and wings brushing against each other’s, and Lu Han would teach him about the universe and the stars and the galaxies beyond. Kai would always be only half-listening though, he’d be too busy admiring the pretty contrast of colors between their wings, earth-brown to a shimmering, pale gold, almost cream color.
Lu Han had lived a few centuries longer than Kai, and his knowledge of the world surpassed Kai’s by far. There was always this intelligent gleam in his large eyes and Kai often wondered if he’d ever be able to achieve such extensive knowledge of the universe like that.
“Look, that’s the Cygnus,” Luhan whispered, voice smooth and calming to Kai’s ear as he pointed up to the heavens. “Three big stars and two little ones across. It looks like a swan, see?”
Kai hummed nonchalantly, eyes busy raking over Lu Han’s features, from the gentle slope of his forehead to the sharp angle of his nose and the perfect curve of his lips. Even amongst their race Lu Han had always been one of the most beautiful, and everyone had fallen for his gentle personality and caring hands and lovely, lovely voice. Lu Han tore his gaze form the sky to stare at Kai, a frown forming between his brows.
“Kai?” he asked bemusedly, laughing a little. “Were you even listening to me?”
The said man shook his head and blinked rapidly, his confused expression making Lu Han laugh even more. Kai grinned sheepishly as Lu Han’s laughter washed over him, putting him at complete ease. It’s times like these when Kai wished time would stop altogether, for reasons unbeknown to him yet.
Kai returned early the next day, making himself visible and hiding his wings from view. His steps are slow, hands in his pocket as he strolled leisurely towards Sehun’s apartment. However, his steps sped up when he saw that the door of the apartment 202 was open wide, and Kai let himself in.
Lu Han was awake and sitting hunched on the couch, arms wrapped around himself. His gaze was vacant as he rocked back and forth, occasionally wincing in what Kai knew to be pain when he shifted his bandages against his back. Sehun was nowhere in sight.
"Lu Han?" he called, and Lu Han's eyes widened as they turned to him. "Why are you awake? Where's Sehun?"
There was a faint red circle rimming Lu Han's eyes as though he had been crying; even now he looked close to tears as well. Lu Han untangled his arms from around himself and opened them as he reached up to Kai, and immediately the other man dropped to his side and enveloped him in a hug.
"I told him, Kai," Lu Han mumbled against his neck, and Kai tensed upon hearing the words. "I told him what happened, and he said he doesn't believe me, I tried to make him see, but --"
"Lu Han, what did you tell him?" Kai cut across his sentence, pulling away from Lu Han to look at him in the eyes. Lu Han's hands were fisting the front of his shirt, trembling against Kai's chest as he took a deep breath.
"I told him that we weren't -- we weren't like him, and that I cut off my own wings, and he doesn't believe me, Kai! He said our race doesn't exist! I repeated myself a couple of times but he got angry and -- and stormed out... Kai, what's happening? Why is Sehun acting like that?"
Lu Han was near hysterical but Kai was silent, slowly processing the information. So Sehun had left after Lu Han had told him the truth Kai had tried so hard to protect the night before. He was probably just confused and upset, but that didn't change the fact that he knew about the existence of their race now.
"Why did you cut your wings out?" Kai opted to ask instead. Lu Han froze, and stared up at Kai with wide, frightened eyes. His mouth opened and closed without a sound as his hands dropped from Kai's chest into his lap. He looked so scared and confused Kai couldn't not let the matter drop with a quiet, "Never mind."
Lu Han looked like a jumbled mess of emotions, small and fragile as his hands shook a little. He was no longer the Lu Han Kai used to know; the calm, collected Lu Han who sang to the world to bring happiness. This Lu Han was frail and jumpy, and Kai had to get to know him all over again.
Lu Han seemed to sense his discomfort, and a small sigh escaped his lips. He smiled a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, weary and painful and Kai felt a dull ache somewhere in his chest because of it. Lu Han used to smell like vanilla and sunshine, like hope and newborn babies’ skin, but now all Kai could pick up was the sterile smell of bandages and alcohol and sweat; Lu Han smelt human. There were tired lines on his forehead that were never there before, spidery cracks of red bleeding into the whites of his eyes.
Sehun came back ten minutes later, hair in disarray, still wearing the clothes Kai knew he went to bed with last night. He was only wearing slippers. Sehun didn’t seem surprised to find Kai there. He closed the door of his apartment and locked it with a quiet click, and walked over to sit on the arm of the sofa opposite theirs. All of a sudden Kai was struck by how young he looked, probably no older than nineteen, the lines of his face soft with traces of baby fat still clinging to his cheeks. Even so his eyes were sharp and hung down on the edges, as if he’d experienced too much and seen too much of this world.
“Is he telling the truth?” The question sounded more like a demand coming from Sehun’s lips, voice jarring and loud in the silent apartment, and from the corner of his eyes Kai saw Lu Han flinch.
Lu Han placed a hand on his arm, the touch gentle as though he’s saying please.
Kai sighed and simply said, “Yes.”
“Prove it,” Sehun demanded again, without missing a beat. Kai narrowed his eyes at him, but Sehun stared back challengingly. Prove him... how? This boy was too nosy for his own good, Kai decided, and right now he wished it was somebody else who had found Lu Han.
"Kai," Lu Han whispered from his right, gripping Kai's arm so tightly his knuckles turned white, but Kai didn't feel a thing. "Kai, show him your wings."
The taller man whipped his head round to Lu Han's direction in shock, disbelief written all over his features. "No," he said flatly.
"If you -- if you show me," Sehun piped up, and Kai turned back to him to see him with wide, hopeful eyes. It surprised Kai, to say the least. "I'll let Lu Han stay here for as long as necessary."
"Please," Lu Han whispered again as he hid his face in Kai's shoulder, body quivering.
Kai sighed and threw back his head frustratedly, frowning at the sacred deity up there for this misfortune. Weren't they supposed to keep their existence from humans? If so, was he supposed to just let Lu Han live on the streets, injured like that? Was that his punishment for giving up on immortality for humanity?
He sighed again and turned to Sehun. The boy was young and naive and curious, Kai was sure. But there was also doubt there, and insecurity and long-inflicted pain Kai’s not sure what to think of.
In the end, Kai decided that Sehun could be trusted.
"But you must not tell anyone," he said, emphasizing each word to make sure he's drilled it properly into Sehun's pretty head. Sehun nodded, and Kai hoped he made the right decision. "Close your eyes."
Sehun did as he was told and Kai stood up, and with the power of his mind, he willed his wings to become visible. They unfurled slowly from his back, growing larger and larger until they stopped getting bigger, filling almost half of the space in the cramped living room. He shook the brown feathers lightly to regain feeling in them, and Lu Han smiled, making him look like the Lu Han Kai used to know, if only for a moment.
"Sehun? You can open your eyes now," Lu Han said, and Sehun opened his eyes. When he caught sight of the gigantic wings he fell off his seat with a dull thud and a groan of pain.
Kai watched amusedly as Sehun's expression changed from shock, to disbelief, to wonder. His eyes raked over the brown feathers from tip to tip, from the small downy feathers near the base to the longest flight feathers at the bottom, almost as long as Kai's arm. Kai ruffled them a little and Sehun jumped in fright, making Lu Han laugh.
"Wow," he breathed, slowly inching his way to the wings, which Kai had folded neatly against his back. "Wow. How big are they? If you stretch them?"
"About five meters across, I think," Lu Han answered for Kai, now smiling brightly.
"Wow," Sehun repeated, eyes twinkling in wonder like a child at Christmas. "So you really do exist."
The following afternoon while Sehun was still in class, Kai sat with Lu Han on the roof of the apartment building in silence, hands clasped together between them. Kai stretched his wings and curled one around Lu Han's shoulders the best he can, shielding him from the cool air. Lu Han stroked at the feathers softly, reminiscence on the tips of his fingers.
“Kai,” Lu Han whispered softly, and Kai hummed in response. “Make yourself invisible. I want to see if this really works.”
Lu Han sat up, no longer leaning on to Kai, and Kai couldn’t help but notice the fierce determination in those large, expressive eyes. He sighed and stood up, pulling Lu Han along with him. Dread settled on the pit of Kai’s stomach for reasons unknown, and he let go of Lu Han’s hand.
He spent a while studying Lu Han’s face, the small, subtle changes. The way his skin no longer glowed in that unearthly way, the tiny, almost indistinguishable lines marring the once smooth, flawless face. His heart felt heavy as he walked around Lu Han, stopping behind him. From the back Lu Han looked tiny and frail in Sehun’s over sized shirt, shoulders sagging. He was still staring straight ahead, at the spot where Kai disappeared in front of him.
“Hey,” Kai called out softly from behind him, and Lu Han stiffened, before turning around slowly. His eyes were wide in wonder at finding Kai standing behind him instead of in front of him. And then a smile bloomed on Lu Han’s face, stretching his face almost painfully, and tears fell from his eyes. Kai, panicking, jumped at the sight of the tears and hurried over to Lu Han who had started sobbing with his face in his hands.
“Lu Han? Lu Han, are you okay?” Kai hovered uncertainly around him, hands placed awkwardly in his shoulder and Lu Han’s wails became louder.
Kai finally managed to make him sit down and calm him with shaking hands around his waist. Lu Han sobbed into Kai’s chest until only hiccups are left, fingers curled at the fabric of Kai’s shirt.
“I’m sorry,” Lu Han mumbled, hiding his face in Kai’s shoulder. The tips of his ears were red, the flush reaching down to the base of his neck. The old Lu Han could never, would never, blush like that, but Kai found the color endearing nevertheless. He stroked Lu Han’s neck with the tips of his fingers, watched as Lu Han shivered and the color turned darker. “I’m sorry, I was just happy, I guess. No -- wait, I don’t know,” Lu Han whined helplessly. “Human emotions are so powerful I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m happy that this worked, that I’m human now, but at the same time I’m sad that I’ll never have what you still have ever again. That one day this body will grow old and wrinkly and finally give out while you’ll always remain young and healthy. I don’t know.”
Kai thought back to all those times that Lu Han would sit with him on a skyscraper, and his stories of the galaxies and the universe and the one hundred thousand million stars in the milky way alone. That even the brightest stars will someday die.
“Do you regret it, though?” Kai murmured quietly to Lu Han’s hair. His chest gave a tug when Lu Han answered with a shake of his head.
As a recent addition to the human race, there were many things Lu Han had to learn about humans and their strange behaviors. He was a quick learner though, utilizing his past experiences from people watching for many years and was always eager to learn new things. However humans had changed a lot in the past decade alone, and a decade is nothing to beings like them.
The thing that Lu Han had to get used to the most though, were human emotions. Often during the first few weeks he would shed tears at the sunset or a drama he watched on tv after dinner. He’d laugh hysterically at the least funny things and forget the human’s bodily process on a daily basis, forgetting to eat all day until Sehun came home from school and panicked when Lu Han went faint with hunger.
Kai, disgruntled as he was, was glad that Sehun was there to watch over Lu Han.
One day, Lu Han had carelessly cut his finger with a knife as he was chopping carrots, momentarily forgetting he was no longer invincible. Blood gushed from the cut and the knife clattered to the floor as Lu Han gasped and clutched his hand to his chest. Kai wanted to help, he really did, but he didn’t know how, so he called for Sehun instead. While cleaning the wound, Sehun reprimanded Lu Han about the need to be very careful with his body, then wrapped Lu Han’s injured finger with a band-aid.
As he watched them, Lu Han’s sheepish apology and the look in Sehun’s eyes as he ruffled his hair, Kai realized he could no longer take care of Lu Han the way he used to. He has duties to attend to, anyway. His mouth felt bitter every time he watched them interact, his tongue heavy with disappointment.
So Kai watched them in the background, carefully staying a step behind as Lu Han learned and Sehun taught him of the human ways.
Lu Han, Kai noticed, had taken a liking to the medical world. He had greedily read all of Sehun’s books within three months, an amazing feat, considering that books were practically everywhere in Sehun’s apartment. The three bookcases in the living room were bursting at the seams, thick volumes on the human anatomy strewn on every table and surface, and some were even stacked on the floor in corners.
Kai often caught Lu Han staying up late into the night, reading and keeping Sehun company when the boy had to finish papers and assignments. He disturbed Sehun often with questions even when Sehun was at his busiest, but Sehun never seemed to mind. He’d put down his pen and answer Lu Han’s questions patiently, and Lu Han would nod, then thank Sehun with a bright smile.
After scientific reads, Lu Han soon found interest in literature, and quickly fell in love with Shakespeare and Homer and Hemingway.
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,” Lu Han read aloud from A Midsummer Night’s Dream to Kai one night after Sehun has passed out on his desk. His eyes are soft as he stroked the pages of the book lovingly. “And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”
One day Kai was assigned to fetch the soul of an old woman dying from cancer. She had been terminally ill for years, and now, her body finally decided to give up. He was sitting on the arm of the chair on the corner of her hospital room, invisible to anyone but her, whose soul was sitting delicately on the plush cushions beside him with her hands folded in her lap. Her children and grandchildren were gathered around her lifeless, physical body on the hospital bed, crying and sobbing their throats raw.
Kai glanced at her from the corner of his eyes. She looked calm as she watched her children cry over her, yet that sadness was still there in her gray orbs. He often wondered why old people always seemed a lot more calm in death than younger ones who would cry along with their loved ones. He never asked.
“Are you sad?” Kai asked, deviating from his usual routine. She looked up at him, her soft gaze wise. She must have been beautiful when she was younger, Kai thought in the back of his mind as she smiled meaningfully.
“Of course I am, young man,” she answered and turned back to face her family. Kai kind of wanted to tell her that he’s lived way longer than her short seventy eight years of life, but he held his mouth shut. Her youngest granddaughter who was three and a half years old, laid next to her still form and stroked the thin paper-like skin of her cheeks with her stubby fingers. She was the only one who didn’t shed a tear, only looking at her grandmother’s closed eyelids with a wistful gaze. “But I’ve had my fill of life, and even gave birth to life, so I guess my deed is done and my time is up.”
Kai frowned lightly, not understanding the situation. “But... don’t you love them?”
At that she laughed and smacked his arm playfully, and Kai toppled off his seat. “Of course I love them, my dear boy, of course I do!” she laughed some more as Kai picked himself off the floor and sat back on the arm of the chair. “But all things come to an end, you should know that better than anyone, and my husband’s waiting for me up there, I can’t keep him waiting.”
She smiled dreamily and Kai was struck by how similar it was to that of a lovesick schoolgirl. The old woman tilted her head at him expectantly and Kai nodded, standing up and offering his hand to her. When her hand met his, suddenly all the wrinkles disappeared from her face, her gray hair became thick and healthy again, black as ebony, and her skin glowed with youth. She stood tall and willowy, bones delicate and movements graceful as she smoothed the folds of her blue dress. Her smile was wide and bright as she gripped his hand tighter, different from the pale, old body on the sheets.
Kai was right, she was beautiful. She had embraced death willingly and left life on earth behind with a smile, eyes darting up to the sky as if she could already see her husband in the gates of heaven, waiting for her.
Her family had ceased their crying, and was now kneeling on the sides of her bed, hands clasped and head bowed in a prayer. She gave them one last fleeting gaze of affection before Kai led her out of the door, and together, they departed for the afterlife.
Three weeks later, Sehun changed the bandages on Lu Han’s back to find that a thin layer of skin had grown over the wound and protruding bones, pink and soft like baby’s skin. Sehun had nodded to himself in approval, a small smile on his lips, and wrapped a fresh roll of bandages around Lu Han’s torso. Kai watched as goose pimples broke over Lu Han’s skin where Sehun’s gentle hands roamed over, their equally pale complexions complementing each other. Kai held up his hand in front of his face to scrutinize them, frowning at the dark olive skin of his arms.
“Good, this is really good, you’re healing quite well,” Sehun announced happily. “You’ll be good as new in a few more weeks!”
Sehun was humming to himself as he put away the bandages in his room, but Kai couldn’t help but notice that Lu Han looked a little disappointed as he buttoned his shirt back on, the corners of his mouth turned down and eyes downcast.
“Lu Han are you alright?” Kai asked softly, setting a hand on top of Lu Han’s head. Lu Han looked up at him with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, and sighed when Kai’s expression was skeptical.
“I just --”
But before Lu Han could finish his sentence, Sehun had came back into the room and threw a jacket to Lu Han’s lap, pulling a dark grey sweater over his head at the same time.
“What’s this for?” Lu Han asked, inspecting the cream-colored jacket. He held up the piece of clothing curiously, turning it over and over and then handing it to Kai. Kai thumbed the soft wool of the jacket, and absentmindedly thought that this was the color of Lu Han’s wings, before he cut them out.
“Well...” Sehun looked nervous, fidgeting as he scratched the back of his neck. His eyes were darting around the room, anywhere but to where Lu Han was sitting, looking up at him with wide eyes. “Since you’re getting better, I was wondering... maybe you’d like to go out and grab some coffee? If -- if you want to, I mean, it’s a Saturday so I don’t have class today, but I’m alright if you just wanna stay at home! I’m sure we can watch movies instead or something!”
“Sehun,” Lu Han said softly, smile genuine this time, and Kai’s chest ached. “I’d love to.”
Sehun seemed to have lost the ability to speak while Lu Han continued to smile pleasantly at him. There was a light blush on Sehun’s cheeks and he looked even more fidgety than before, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Okay, well put -- put the jacket on and we can go.” He gestured to the clothing in Lu Han’s lap, then turned to Kai. “Kai, do you want to come?”
Kai looked at the eager way Lu Han pulled the jacket on, and the gentle gaze in which Sehun watched Lu Han struggle. There was a lump in his throat, clogging up his airway even though technically he didn’t need to breathe, but it’s uncomfortable nonetheless. He tried to swallow it down unsuccessfully and finally rasped out, “No, I... I have something to do. You two have fun.”
Lu Han looked up at him, concerned, his hand gripping Kai’s arm worriedly, but said nothing as Kai walked out of Sehun’s apartment.
Kai waited outside Sehun’s apartment door, hands folded in front of him as he leaned against the opposite wall. His eyes were trained on his boots, watching the particles of dust float about around his legs as he let himself disappear from the eyes of the world around him.
He thought back to the times he and Lu Han would spend together, and compared them to how Lu Han’s slipping out of his grasp now; like the grains of sand on the beaches Lu Han loved so much, falling farther and farther away from Kai as Sehun continued to enrapture him in a way Kai never could.
A few moments later the door of apartment 202 opened and Sehun and Lu Han walked out, hand in hand. Sehun looked pleased with himself, while Lu Han looked downright happy as he swung their hands back and forth. Kai watched them go, heading straight for the stairs without even sparing him a glance. Lu Han didn’t even give any indications he felt Kai was there, if he did feel him.
The two continued to chat about idle things as they disappeared down the stairs, but Kai stayed in his position, trying not to think too much about Sehun’s hand on the small of Lu Han’s back as he guided him out of the apartment block. He arranged the position of some of the feathers on his wings as the sound of Sehun and Lu Han’s footsteps disappeared, bending them this way and that, feeling the muscles along his wings strain and flex. Then he sighed, taking off through the ceiling.
Kai floated around aimlessly, leisurely flapping his wings five metres above the ground as he searched the crowd for two familiar heads. He spotted Sehun and Lu Han walking side by side, Sehun telling a story to Lu Han, hands moving around animatedly while Lu Han laughed, clutching his side.
They entered a small cafe, the bell above the door tinkling merrily. Kai landed on the ground gently and watched through the window of the cafe as the two chose a table in the far corner. He walked through the glass towards where Sehun and Lu Han sat, paying no attention to the tables and chairs in his way as they passed right through him.
He reached them just as Sehun finished ordering two cappuccinos to the waitress, and she bowed before heading back to the counter to make their orders. Kai slid into the seat beside Sehun, facing Lu Han, and watched them talk about the most mundane things. He tuned out most of the conversation though, opting to instead watch the changing expressions on Lu Han's face with a hand propping up his chin, all the feelings clearly written in his wide eyes.
Sometimes Kai wondered what it would be like, being human. Feeling emotions at its fullest, feeling pain and agony and happiness just as humans do. Sometimes he already felt overwhelmed by what little emotions his race could feel, and wondered how humans cope with their more complex ones. Fear in particular was a strange concept to beings like him, because he doesn't feel fear, doesn't know it.
There was a strange sort of vibe surrounding Lu Han, a mixture of content, peace, and happiness, coagulating with each word that passed Sehun’s lips. It’s thick and tangible in the air and he could almost inhale it, to the point Kai’s slightly concerned how Lu Han’s small frame could contain such an emotion.
He sensed a similar emotion from Sehun as well, as he passed the boy a glance. But it was nowhere near as large as Lu Han’s, and was mixed with curiosity.
Their orders arrived and Sehun thanked the waitress as she bowed, while Lu Han stared at the drinks in the two identical cups with interest. Kai watched Lu Han pull one to his end of the table and start playing with the frothy foam with his spoon, distorting the pretty leaf pattern as he swirled the spoon round and round eagerly. Sehun chuckled at his antics, and Lu Han looked up, a surprised expression on his face as his cheeks turned pink.
They continued their meaningless conversation, punctuated by laughter and happiness that radiated from the two of them. Such a curious thing, happiness. Kai had only ever felt a vague sense of contentment instead. All of his race had been born with their senses dulled, so as to not have their feelings get in the way when they carried out their individual jobs.
It soon rained, and Lu Han followed the drops of rain with his fingers as they slid down the windowpane. The water crisscrossed into each other’s paths, creating a bigger drop, before they accumulated at the wood of the sill. Sehun watched Lu Han take in the sights while occasionally sipping his drink, and Kai would catch something akin to affection every time Sehun’s eyes set on Lu Han.
Once Lu Han caught Sehun staring at him and he blushed, hurriedly pulling his cup towards him and taking a large gulp. The scalding cappuccino burnt his tongue and he cried out in surprise and pain, pushing the cup away.
“Stupid,” Sehun muttered after he came back from the counter with a glass of cold water. Lu Han drank it all in one go, and his panicked flailing reduced, though his eyes were still somewhat teary. He whined piteously and Sehun laughed, eyes disappearing as laughter shook his body, the sound warm and pleasant. Lu Han blushed even harder than before, but eventually started chuckling as well.
“Lu Han,” Sehun started, and both Lu Han and Kai turned their heads to his direction. “If you don’t mind me asking you... why did you decide to, you know, cut off your wings?”
Lu Han’s expression turned solemn as he trained his eyes to his drink instead, stirring it until all the foam disappeared. The sound of the spoon clinking against the ceramic was the only noise that passed between them, and Kai could see the way Lu Han’s fingers trembled ever so slightly as he twirled the spoon round and round.
Lu Han was never one to lie about anything. But Kai knew he was lying this time, with how Lu Han’s voice cracked around the edges with subtle apology, the tiny waver of guilt.
“Our race can’t feel emotions like humans do, you see,” he started. “I’ve been watching humans for centuries, and I’ve always envied how they could be happy until they cry, or feel such agony until they couldn’t live with themselves anymore, I -- I want that. I should be happy with not being able to feel what you humans might think as troublesome emotions like fear or anxiety or anger, but I want to be like you, like humans...”
His voice trailed off in the end and Kai frowned. That was a strange answer, but Sehun seemed to buy it, expression sympathetic.
“Do you regret it?” Sehun asked the question Kai’s asked before softly, and Kai heard the tiniest traces of hope underlying the faked indifference. The boy was staring at Lu Han with his head tilted, as if trying to work him out and read him like a particularly difficult quiz he received in class.
Lu Han met Sehun’s gaze, eyes gentle and so full of raw emotion that Kai could almost feel it overflow out of Lu Han, seeping out of his very pores and making Kai choke. His bright eyes seemed to twinkle in the soft glow of the candle in the middle of the table, and Kai heard Sehun’s breath hitch just the slightest bit.
“No,” he whispered.
Part II