Emergence 2/2
「Emergence」
Type: short story (part two)
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairing: Reita/Uruha, Aoi/Reita
Genre: romance, bandfic
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: some alcohol abuse?
Summary: It takes years of history to understand why Uruha and Aoi have such an on and off relationship.
Word count: ~5,060
Notes: Written for the lovely chivakaza at jrockurisumasu exchange.
5. The Quale of Monophobia
"I'm sorry," Kouyou says for the eleventh time.
Kai shakes his head, also for the eleventh time, and pushes a plate of cookies towards him. They're sitting in Kai's kitchen that's decorated with bouquets of pine branches and red bows.
"It's fine," Kai says. "I told you the date was over, anyway."
"But it was Christmas Eve..."
Kai is smiling, and Kouyou is annoyed because when Kai smiles he always looks so sincere and you cannot doubt him even if you try very hard.
"I'm telling you it's perfectly fine. I talked to Asuka just before you woke up. She understands completely."
"Of course she does," Kouyou says, biting on a cookie. "She's dating you. She must be the nicest girl in the world."
Kai makes a little embarrassed noise. "She's very nice, yes."
"Are we going to meet her, then?"
"Maybe for New Years?" Kai asks, looking hopeful.
"Are we celebrating together?"
"I'm going home for New Years, but I'll be visiting the shrine here. Maybe we can all go together?"
Kouyou sinks even deeper over Kai's kitchen counter. "It's gonna be so depressing going alone."
"You should go with Ruki," Kai says pointedly, as if making it very obvious that what he really wanted to say was "You should go with Akira," but that could be Kouyou's paranoia kicking in. He's developed one in the past few months.
"I doubt Ruki's the type of person to visit the shrine for New Year's."
"I like to believe that he is," Kai says, again with that sincere smile.
***
When Kouyou comes home from Kai's place, it is already noon and he is happy to assume that Aoi has disentangled himself from Akira and his sheets and gone home.
Indeed, he finds Akira lying on the sofa, looking morose.
"Where have you been?" Akira asks.
"I slept at Kai's."
"Why?"
Kouyou looks at him pointedly. He'd hoped that they wouldn't need to mention Aoi but it seems inevitable now. So he musters up some courage and says, "Wanted to give you two some privacy."
Akira looks embarrassed for a moment. "Sorry."
Kouyou sits next to him and changes the channel.
"I guess we'll have to get a bigger place," Akira says. "Or maybe I should move out."
Not this. Kouyou hasn't been expecting this. Anything but this. His heart all but jumps into his throat. "You don't have to move out," he gets out weakly.
Akira stares at his hands. "I know I don't have to, but I guess it makes sense... We can't live together forever."
"I know we can't," Kouyou says, but he wants to continue; he wants to say that they could, that he wants to, that they should. And then it's as though he's not in control of his own body and he leans over to Akira and suddenly his hands are on his waist and beneath his shirt and he is kissing him.
Akira doesn't resist; he raises his hands and touches Kouyou's cheek lightly and his hands slide to his neck and Kouyou thinks that this is the closest he has ever felt to another person and then he stops. He cannot do this to Akira. He cannot do this to himself.
Kouyou pulls back abruptly, and there's a brief flash of hurt on Akira's face.
"I'm sorry," Kouyou says. "I shouldn't have done that. You're with Aoi."
Akira says, "I am, but..." and trails of, but his face says clearly that he wants Kouyou.
"No," Kouyou says, knowing that every single word he says now will hurt Akira. So he gets up and leaves. He doesn't want to cause him any pain, even if by this point it's as though Kouyou's very existence is hurting him.
***
Kouyou doesn't make any plans for New Year's Eve, even though he finds himself craving company now more than ever.
Kai goes home and sends regards from his mum. Ruki claims he's not a fan of New Years. At their last meeting of the year, Kouyou makes a point of not asking Aoi what he's doing.
In the end, he leaves the apartment only to buy several bottles of liquor and drags himself home, feeling miserable.
He and Akira have been avoiding each other, and though Kouyou hopes not to see him today, Akira appears when he's setting the bottles on the table in front of the TV and trying to decide what to drink first.
Akira fidgets with the hem of his shirt, looking at Kouyou with what looks like an apologetic smile.
"Look, could we just-" Akira tries.
"No," Kouyou says. "I don't want to talk to you."
"Come on. You always do this, ignoring the issues-"
"I'm really not in the mood to listen to you. If you don't leave I'll throw you out myself."
Akira looks at him with deep sorrow and doesn't move so Kouyou throws a pillow at him. "I said leave."
"This is my apartment, too."
"I don't care. I want to drink vodka and watch game shows and use my really obnoxious laugh and I wanna do it without you here."
"Fine. I'll just be in my room, then."
"No. Go over to Ruki's or something."
"Kouyou, just tell me why it bothers you so much."
Kouyou shakes his head and feels so much like a child, but he cannot help it. He purposefully stares at the TV and doesn't look back at Akira anymore. "Go sleep at Ruki's. He won't mind."
There's a long, long silence. Kouyou keeps all of his attention on the TV, and though the game show contestants are probably doing something funny there, Kouyou is locked in his mind now, and his nature is fighting against something he thinks needs to be done.
"Okay," Akira says finally, and his voice seems small somehow.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Right."
Akira slams the door behind him and Kouyou breathes out. In. Out. This isn't a problem. It's not a problem. Akira is going to leave him soon, anyway. He might as well get used to it. A breath in. A breath out. A swig of vodka. It's not a problem.
***
It's two in the morning and Kouyou is lying on the floor. The vodka bottle has overturned and a small puddle has spread next to his head. The smell is sickening, but he doesn't want to get up. He's not sure he could even if he wanted to. He pulls out his phone and calls Ruki.
There is a grumble and a thud before Ruki says, "This better be good."
"I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"
Pause. "Not exactly."
"Oh. Is Akira there?"
"What? Do you think I'd get with that scrawny git?"
"What are you talking about?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I threw Akira out of the apartment and he was supposed to go to your place."
"Well, he didn't and he's not here. But Minika is, aren't you, honey?"
There is a girl's giggle in the background. Kouyou suddenly finds it all very sad.
"I wonder if he went to Aoi's..."
There's some shuffling on Ruki's side. "Uruha, are you crying?"
"I'm not crying. This is my drunk voice."
"It sounds suspiciously like sniffling." A small pause. Then Ruki says, his voice determined, "I'm coming over."
"What about Minika?"
"Right, I'm coming over in an hour. Don't fall asleep. Don't cry."
Kouyou closes his eyes briefly. Just to rest. The next thing he hears is someone breaking into his apartment.
"Uruha, did you brew vodka here?"
Kouyou tries to get up. He manages to turn on his stomach. Ruki's form is outlined in the light from the kitchen alcove.
"It doesn't smell like that," Kouyou says, failing to get up.
Ruki appears hovering above him. "What?"
"Doesn't smell like that when's brewing. Vodka." He shakes his head. "Doesn't."
"Interesting," Ruki says, picking up the bottle. "You didn't sound drunk on the phone."
"I'm never sounding drink... drunk. On the phone. Never. Am a master of trickery."
"I'm sure you are. You should really get up from that floor, though. I think the fumes got into your head or something."
Kouyou tries to get up again, grasps Ruki's leg to steel himself. Ruki helps him up and onto the sofa. "I'm gonna make you some coffee."
"No," Kouyou protests, "coffee dy-drates."
"Dehydrates?"
"Yes. Water's better."
After two glasses of water and a banana, Kouyou is feeling a tiny bit better. He's sitting on the sofa, ready to go to bed and pass out, but Ruki keeps glaring at him.
"So do you want to talk about it?"
"About what?"
Ruki sighs. "Hey, I'm pretty sure you can de-vodka by yourself. I wouldn't have come over if I didn't think you needed someone. You got me out of bed with a really gorgeous piece of ass. Also, her feet were the tiniest things, and so deft..." Ruki's eyes mist over for a second. "Yeah, so you better give me something."
Kouyou stares at his bare feet. "Akira and Aoi are together."
Ruki makes a grimace, something between a grin and a contemplative pout. "I know."
Kouyou gapes at him. "You know?"
Ruki chuckles. "Please. I know everything. Actually, scratch that. I'm not quite sure why you would drown yourself in vodka over that."
"Because Akira has always sort of... loved me."
"And you don't-"
Kouyou interrupts, "I don't."
"I didn't even finish my question," Ruki says, frowning. "You don't what? Like Akira? Like dick?"
"You make it sound so simple."
"It is simple."
"It's not simple. I love Akira but I can't really be with him, you know? He's free to date whoever he wants. But I have this..." Kouyou breathes in. He's never said this aloud. Ruki is staring at him with interest, his blonde hair swept back from his face. He looks tired, but caring, somehow, and Kouyou's drunk self decides that if someone should finally hear of this, it should be him. He says, "Ever since I was little, I've had this thing with people leaving... I just can't deal with it."
Ruki inclines his head a little, contemplating him. "You think Akira will leave you? Are you stupid?"
"Thanks for being so tactful."
Ruki rolls his eyes. "He would never leave you. I don't think you can actually leave someone you've loved for so long. Being best friends and really loving each other ... I think that's a different form of love. Romantic, but not necessarily in the I-wanna-fuck-you-in-the-ass sort of way."
"That's disgusting."
"It's the truth."
They're silent for a while.
Then Kouyou says, "What if he leaves and moves in with Aoi?"
"I suppose that could happen."
Kouyou's pulse is suddenly localized in his throat, beating faster than it should. He hates this. Hates that it's even a possibility. Of all the people in his life, he never thought he would have to watch Akira leave. Knowing that Akira loves him with something more than a friendly love has always been something he could fall back on. Throughout all of their years together, he hung on to that love, selfishly. But would he really deprive him of happiness just to keep him close?
"I have to let him go, right?" Kouyou says quietly.
Ruki nods and reaches over and pulls him close. They're in a weird position on the sofa, half-hugging, but it isn't awkward.
Ruki says, "If he moves out and you can't deal with it, I'll gladly come live with you for a while. And you're never alone, Uruha. Between the five of us, no one should ever feel alone." His eyes lose focus for a moment and he looks somewhere over Kouyou's shoulder. "Come on," he says, pulling him up and dragging him towards the balcony. "We can't miss the first sunrise of the year."
When Kouyou wakes in the morning, his head hurts like daggers are being plunged into it, and Ruki is gone.
But just like two years ago, there's a post-it on his door.
I wrote a song after you fell asleep. It's called Miseinen. I think you'll like it.
6. No Degrees of Separation
It is the third of January when Akira finally returns. Kouyou ends up going to the shrine with Ruki just to avoid him. After the disastrous New Year's Eve, Kouyou has firmly decided to accept this thing between Akira and Aoi, but not until he's received his fortune.
"Is this weird?" Kouyou asks Ruki as they stand in line. "I think it's kind of weird."
"If you continue asking that, it'll be weird," Ruki says, "because I'll punch you."
"I think it's endearing," Asuka says, turning back towards them.
Ruki chuckles. "You really are the nicest girl in the world."
"Ruki, be nice," Kouyou says.
"I didn't say anything bad!"
"It's all right," Asuka says. She and Kai are holding hands and Kai looks unable to speak. "Anyway, families go together all the time."
"We're not really family, though," Kouyou says.
Asuka smiles. "Aren't you? You don't have to be blood relatives to be family." She turns forward then, leaning a little against Kai.
Kouyou looks past their heads, where the red torii gleams against the clear blue sky. The air is dry and the wind is tossing his hair over his face and his vision is blurring because of it, but he doesn't mind because he is suddenly experiencing an epiphany.
They're a family. That's just it, is it not? People don't have a choice when they're born into a family. And those real families fall apart frequently. But their family is something they made. It's a mutual effort, built from the dreams of five people. Everyone in the world is searching for something, answers to life or beyond, and the five of them have found that their questions are compatible. They've built a special kind of family, something unbreakable.
In a haze, Kouyou follows Ruki up to the stand to draw their fortune. Both fortunes say 'small curse', and Kouyou's goes on to elaborate how he'll change residence this year, but by this point Kouyou doesn't care. He now knows exactly how to mend whatever it is that's broken inside him.
Before their small group separates, Kouyou gives Asuka a hug, startling her and Kai, and even Ruki, then he runs home. Somehow, he knows Aoi will be there.
And he finds him out on the tiny balcony, smoking. Kouyou bursts through the balcony door, a little out of breath. Aoi is sitting on the only plastic chair that isn't broken and he's playing with the long leaves of a plant Akira's mother had brought last summer. Kouyou thinks how he looks magnificent dressed all in black, leant lightly against the white wall, and then another epiphany hits him.
There is something about Aoi. Something wonderful.
Akira loves him.
Kouyou doesn't really realize that he's staring and smiling and how that could be creepy until Aoi raises his eyebrows at him and chuckles a bit.
Without words, Aoi stands up and offers him his cigarette. They both lean on the balcony fence and look out at the grey city under it and the smoke from the shared cigarette spreads against the colours of roof and concrete and the bleak afternoon sky.
Aoi puts out the cigarette.
Kouyou says, "I think we need to go out. Just you and me."
On the first night, they go out to a club. They drink. They dance. They even hold hands for a bit while refusing the advances of two very cute girls. This is just for them. Not for anyone else.
On the second night, they go to a restaurant, a fancy one neither of them can afford. They eat appetizers and drink water, and they're adamant not to care.
On the third night, they talk about Akira. And there is really only one thing to be said: the two of them share his love, and they have to learn how to live with it.
On the fourth night, they find their way to a roof of a skyscraper. They dangle their feet through the railing and drink whisky. Kouyou knows enough about Aoi now to truly appreciate his company. And he finds himself wondering how much about Akira he knows. About Akira, who proves repeatedly through his insecurities that he doesn't really know himself. Does Aoi know him? Can he?
Kouyou has never been happy with the person he ended up being. He loves his work and his friends, but the person he is inside has been failing him constantly. He'd give anything to be able to reciprocate Akira's feelings. And now he's sitting with the person who apparently can do that. And they're becoming good friends. There's nothing wrong with Aoi. He just happens to love and be loved by the same person as Kouyou.
Kouyou sips his whisky and looks at the sky, imagining what it would be like if he could see the stars.
"Do you think it's possible to really know someone who doesn't know themselves?" he finally asks.
"I'm not sure what you mean," Aoi says, exhaling, letting the smoke curl above him, up into the dark purple sky.
"Well, everyone's trying to discover who they are ... And say you have a friend who doesn't really know that yet ... Is it possible for you or another person to understand that friend, know them, if they hadn't yet learnt it themselves?"
Aoi nods a little, staring past the railing. "I think you already know the answer to this," he says, turning to Kouyou and looking at him with something like admiration. "I know you and Akira have something that I will never have with him. You have time. You have a childhood. Moments when the world is formed in your mind and you have spent them together. Nothing can ever replace that."
Kouyou nods. It's funny how it takes someone else to love Akira for him to realize just how irreplaceable he is. "You and Akira have something important, as well," Kouyou says. "I won't forget that."
Aoi smiles at this, and a long silence sets between them, but it's comfortable. The city spreading before them gleams red and yellow and blue and the first shade of dawn is breaking far off over the sea.
Aoi pours them more whisky and they raise their glasses: to themselves, then to the city below. No words. It is understood. And Kouyou wishes he had a talent like poetry or painting to immortalize the sweeping skyline and the sweet and tangible closeness born between the two of them.
On the fifth night, they ask Akira to join them. It feels right that he should. Still, it's awkward at first, especially for Akira, so they drink. They start in a club, but the atmosphere doesn't quite suit them, so they go to an izakaya. Though they don't really talk about it, they're all aware that this isn't just partying. It's bonding. They're also aware that their situation is a little weird and a little twisted. But it's theirs.
At some point, the company of other people begins to bother them and they end up on the rooftop of Aoi's building. They sit on the cold concrete, staring at the black sky, laughing like children and raising their glasses to everything.
"To the snow that didn't fall!"
"To world peace!"
"To that old man pissing on the corner!"
"In all seriousness, though," Aoi says. "To our first live DVD!"
They clink together the glasses Kouyou had swiped from the club. This is the happiest occasion they'd had in a while. Their big Shibuya-AX concert is in eight days, and they'd been practising furiously for the past few days, even though Aoi and Kouyou had come severely hungover each time. It would be no different tomorrow, but for now they have the night to enjoy. The three of them, connected with something utterly strange.
At some point in their rooftop party, Akira says, "So what are we now? A couple? A triple?"
"How do you even say that?" Aoi asks. "A trio?"
"A triplet?" Kouyou offers. "But I don't think we count. Because you two do stuff." He giggles, happy that this is something he can giggle about now. He hiccoughs. "You two do stuff that couples do, so..." He stands up, swaying a bit. "So, I'm gonna be going home and you guys have Aoi's bed downstairs..." He laughs, because everything's funny now.
"Are you sure?" Akira asks. "It looks like it's gonna rain."
"Sure. We don't live that far away."
Kouyou waves at them and slips through the door of the rooftop. The rickety stairs take him down through the silent building.
The first drop of rain falls when he's half-way home. The first peal of thunder reaches him as he's unlocking the door, and he shivers. Throughout the years, Kouyou has learnt to manage the fear, but it never completely left.
When he enters the apartment, it is dark despite the city lights creeping in through the balcony door. Then lightning flashes, illuminating the threadbare sofa, the discarded beer cans, the shoes by the door, but to Kouyou it all looks empty and forlorn.
He goes to his room and pulls the covers over his head. It's like all strength has left him. He lies in the dark and listens to the thunder for what seems like hours.
Then the door creaks and the other side of the mattress dips. Kouyou doesn't have to ask or look; he can smell his cologne.
Akira embraces him and presses a small kiss on the nape of his neck. Thunder rumbles outside, and Kouyou thinks, whatever it is that they are, they'll be all right.
7. Emergence
Twelve hours before the Shibuya-AX concert, Kouyou is sitting on the bathroom mat, talking to Akira through the shower curtain.
The past week had been relatively calm. He doesn't really know where they're all going or if anything will come of the strange relationship he and Akira have, but for now, everything seems blissfully mundane, and Kouyou likes it that way.
"...and after that," Kouyou starts his last thought, "we'll have the big dressing rooms with showers and we won't have to shower at home."
"I know Ruki can't wait for that," Akira says, chuckling a little.
Kouyou glances at the clock he'd placed on the sink. "We have to be there in an hour," he says, making no attempt to move, even though he's only wearing boxers.
"I told you to go get dressed already," Akira says, his voice barely rising above the hiss of water. "I'm being thorough."
"Okay. Did you wash between your toes?"
"Kouyou, don't mother me."
"But we don't have our mothers with us anymore. Someone has to take care of us."
"We're supposed to take care of ourselves, Kouyou."
"I know, just..."
"And no one is gonna smell my feet on stage, Kou."
"What if your shoe flies off?" Kouyou asks.
"Like that would ever happen."
"Still, you should be super clean. This is important. It's Shibuya-AX. Our first DVD. This is big."
Akira pulls aside the shower curtain, grinning. "I know. I can't wait."
"I still can't believe we made it this far, you know, when just two years ago everything seemed so bleak."
"Two years ago it wasn't the five of us," Akira says, a note of pride evident in his voice. "The other bands fell apart because it wasn't right. The five of us will go big, you'll see." He turns the water off. "Now go away, I'm coming out."
***
They arrive at the venue an hour late, only to find that preparations have barely begun.
"I knew all of you would be late," Kai explains smugly. "Hence the wrong time of arrival."
Akira mutters something at him and goes to get coffee. Despite this, he manages to fall asleep ten minutes later. Aoi tries to wake him when he arrives, but Akira shoos him away, saying he needs to conserve energy.
Aoi picks up his guitar and sits at the edge of the stage, strumming softly his part of Ito. Ruki arrives then, and rushes over to Kouyou and Kai. His hair is dishevelled, and he's a little out of breath.
"My dad," he breathes out, "is coming here. I just talked to him on the phone. He's coming to see us play."
"That's great," Kai says. "So he's finally supporting you?"
Ruki shakes his head. "I don't know. I never know with him. It's like he's begrudgingly coming to terms with this life I'm leading, but he's determined to give me multiple panic attacks because of it."
He looks around the hall, and Kouyou thinks there's something like fear in his eyes, something he's never seen before. When he turns back to them, though, he looks full of fiery determination.
"My costume isn't good enough," he says, and promptly leaves for the backstage.
When Ruki returns, Kouyou takes to watching him as he dashes around the hall, making last-minute additions to his costume. He cannot do this in the dressing room, apparently, because it requires space.
Kai, who had so far been discussing the playlist with one of the technicians, walks up to Kouyou and joins him in the observation of Ruki. "I feel privileged, somehow," he says after a while, "that we're the only ones who get to see him like this."
"Yeah, when you see him on stage, you'd think he's the coolest, most secure person in the world," Kouyou says just as Ruki abandons the thing he's been working on and falls to his knees, staring at his hands. "Sometimes it seems like something's really wrong with him, though."
Kai is watching Ruki with a tender, knowing smile. "I doubt it. Today, he's just anxious about his dad coming here. But usually, I think he's overwhelmed by his own creativity. My mum had two students with a similar problem, kids who were very talented, but just couldn't handle the overflow of creativity."
"What happened with them?"
"One left everything and started playing tennis," Kai says, chuckling. "The other is me."
Kouyou laughs. It should've been obvious. "And how did you become so normal?"
"I started managing other people's lives."
Kouyou stares at Ruki, now dragging linen around, and Aoi doing little dances on stage and laughing at himself, and Akira, asleep in the first row.
"Clearly, you're doing an excellent job," Kouyou says, and Kai laughs.
"I know when you lot need managing, don't worry."
At the corner of the stage, Ruki gives one end of the yellow sheet to the roadie. He walks away, getting out a pair of scissors from who knows where. He cuts at the linen several times, and starts tearing. Half-way back towards the roadie, he seems to change his mind and tells the roadie to turn around.
"I think his problem is that he's too many people at once," Kai says. "Or trying to be, anyway."
"It's not like he's failing."
Kai sits next to Kouyou with his hands folded in his lap. For some reason, he reminds Kouyou of his grandmother. "You, on the other hand..." Kai smiles softly, still watching Ruki ripping up the sheets. "You know exactly who you are. But you don't seem happy with yourself, especially lately."
Kouyou shakes his head. "I don't even know when I'm hungry. It takes me about five minutes to correctly identify an emotion."
"That's just the physical things. You know who you are, I can see it in your eyes."
"I guess you can make an observation like that," Kouyou says. "You're always watching us like a mother hawk."
Kai chuckles a little. "It's funny. We're all so different. I know who I am but I don't know exactly what I want. You know who you are but you're not happy with it. Reita has no idea who he is, but he's happy about that. Ruki... well, Ruki is trying to discover which of the people in his head he's trying to be and I suppose he's fine with that. Aoi knows exactly who he is and exactly what he wants but he's not happy about it. I have no idea how we avoid clashing."
Kouyou smiles. He grins. This feels good. He doesn't know why, but it feels so good. "I think that's exactly how we stay together."
It's their mutual efforts in finding the answers to the basic human questions that keep them going forward, he thinks, but he doesn't say this. It is implied. And he understands now that everything about them is important: their mistakes, their imperfections, their happiness.
"We are incredibly lucky to have each other," Kouyou says. "But what do you think will happen one day when we all figure out exactly who we are and what we want and find that we're happy with it?"
Kai shrugs. "I guess we break up."
Ahead, Ruki throws the yellow linen on the floor, yells at one of the roadies, and stomps off. He returns a minute later with a white sheet and starts tearing that one up. It doesn't look like he'll reconcile the people in his head any time soon.
Up on the stage, Aoi is tuning his guitar, looking glum. Akira is still sleeping in one of the chairs, the coffee next to his feet now overturned.
Kai goes to fetch some of the discarded linen and uses it to gather the spilt coffee. He then walks over to Ruki, puts a hand gently on his shoulder, and tells him, "Some new drapery on your costume won't change your father's mind. All you can do is sing your heart out."
Kouyou watches them all, wondering if he'll ever be happy with the person he is. Right now, he doesn't know if it's something he needs. And perhaps the answer is that a person can never have everything figured out. Perhaps the secret is that your questions can only be answered by someone else, like a friend.
But even if a day comes when they find all of their questions answered, it will be all right, he thinks. It will be all right, because whatever it is that has brought them together will have been fulfilled.
Fin.
______
A/N: I must reiterate what I'd told chivakaza... writing this fic was a surreal experience for various reasons. But most importantly, it reminded me how much I love Gazette, and I was able to remember all the silly and stupid and wonderful reasons why I love them and why they're my absolutely favourite band.
Also, I included snowflakes because they are an example of emergence in nature, and they much fit the occasion. (All images were taken from here.)