Book 4, Chapter 7: The Cure for Our Bad Deeds 2/2
Title: The Cure for Our Bad Deeds, 2/2
Authors: kiltsandlollies and escribo
Characters: Billy/Dominic
Word count: 4378
Summary: Continued from here.
Index
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction; the recognizable people in the story belong to themselves and have never performed the actions portrayed here. I do not know the actors nor am I associated with them in any way. If you are underage, please do not read this story. I am not making any profit from these stories, nor do I mean any harm.
It's pitch black in the room when Dominic is suddenly wide awake, his heart pounding in his chest and blood rushing loud in his ears. He lies still, listening, trying to determine what woke him, but all he can hear is Billy's soft breathing, even and quiet but not as if in slumber, familiar enough that Dominic knows Billy is awake, too, but maybe for another reason. The rain continues to pound against the window, the sound loud at the thin door, and for a moment Dominic worries about water seeping in beneath the frame before he remembers where they are and why. There'd been a dream, Dominic remembers, something ugly that felt all too real, but it's danced away from the edges of his thoughts now, and when Billy moves his thumb in a gentle circle against Dominic's skin, it's nearly gone, leaving only the resulting uneasiness.
For a long time, Dominic lies still and sweats, the air in the room oppressive and Billy's hand heavy on his waist, until even the quiet is too loud in Dominic's ears. For a while he tries to remember his dream before he gives it up in favor of worrying about his more imminent fears: the German paper that's not quite finished but is already due, the return email he owes his brother, the call he more than owes his mother, the biology course he's positive he'll have to retake next term though Billy hasn't said it out loud yet, Billy himself.
Pushing away the thin, rough sheet that's tangled in his legs, Dominic sits up at the edge of the bed, huffing out his misery before a final worry intrudes--that he was wrong and Billy was actually asleep, and now Dominic's disturbed him. Dominic looks over his shoulder to find what he'd originally expected: Billy's face illuminated by the slat of too bright street light that's coming in from blinds that wouldn't quite close, watching him as if measuring both his mood and his pulse, with compassion and concern in his eyes and none of the frustrated need Dominic feels gnawing at the pit of his own stomach. Dominic sighs heavily, turning back and bending to set his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. He remembers his dream suddenly and with terrifyingly clarity--Elijah and Billy fucking; Billy kissing Elijah with the intensity that Dominic had assumed was reserved for him exclusively; Elijah contorting himself beneath Billy's hands. Dominic scrubs at his face with both hands as if he can erase that image, digging his balled fists into his eyes until bright spots dance in the darkness. He jumps when Billy drags his hand over his damp, sweating back, the feeling too much and not enough at the same time, and then stands, the light in the room enough to guide him to the bathroom but not enough to stop him from stubbing his toe against the metal leg of the bed, hidden beneath the duvet they've kicked to its end.
"Fuck," he breathes out, balancing himself on the bed as he works through the sudden pain.
"Dom?"
"Hit my foot." Dominic clears his throat and straightens, hearing Billy shifting on the mattress. "I'm fine," he says, wanting to stave off any more of Billy's concern that's become as oppressive as the heat in the room in the absence of what he feels he really needs from Billy now: his passion, his greed, and the least careful touch possible from his hands. "Go back to sleep," Dominic says, forcing the tone of his voice to remain even, to make it sound kind and not like a command.
In the bathroom, Dominic doesn't bother to turn on the light or close the door. He uses the toilet, washes his hands and then bends to splash water on his face, to run his wet hands through his hair. Reaching for the towel, Dominic sees the bedroom light come back on behind him, and he blinks at his reflection in the mirror. Thirty-five, Billy had said. Nearly fifteen years older than Dominic. He'd learned more about Billy in those breathless seconds than he had in years, he thinks, at least from Billy's own lips. There is plenty Dominic knows without having been told, though: Billy's favorite foods and the best of his collection of ridiculous disaster movies and even more ridiculous science fiction paperbacks. He knows how to make Billy laugh, how to tease him from a bad mood, when to leave him alone--he's still learning that last. Dominic knows how Billy looks before he comes, knows the places on his body that get him there quickest. Knows at least one of Billy's secrets, two if he counted himself, and knows now that others are weighing Billy down hard, dragging Dominic with him.
Aware that he won't be left much longer in peace in the bathroom, Dominic steps back to the mattress, looking down at Billy lying in bed. He sits again at its edge, thinking that this isn't working, and he has no idea how to make it work. He can't stop thinking about what Billy's said, about all the things he still doesn't know, and more important, the things he does know about Billy that Billy doesn't seem to know about himself. Dominic closes his eyes, feeling his blood rushing again as he wonders what mistake Billy had made at St. Andrews--if that mistake had been another student, if Dominic wasn't the only one to find himself in love with his professor. He remembers what Elijah had said, the words he'd banish to the far reaches of the forest of his thoughts if he could: You think you're the first? I heard about a grad student last term, some blonde chick--.
"It's hot," Dominic says suddenly, both because he can't think of anything else to say and to ward off the words he knows are on Billy's lips, about to be spoken. Are you alright? He's not. He hasn't been, and he wonders if he ever will be again. The mattress groans quietly behind him as Billy stands and strides to the window, and Dominic watches as Billy struggles with it, the frame proving stronger than Billy's grip.
"'s painted shut," Billy sighs, then moves to the thermostat, one hand raised to manipulate it before he frowns and looks back over his shoulder. "And that's broken. I may or may not have had a hand in that, before. It was--" He throws a hand. "Cold. And now it's clearly not. I'm making a fucking hash of this."
Dominic shakes his head and pushes his hands through his hair again, joining Billy back at the window. It takes a long few minutes of absurd pushes and pulls, but together they get the window cracked, letting cooler air in just as Dominic thinks he might crawl out of his skin otherwise. The room's still too warm by far, but it's something, and Dominic closes his eyes and lets the breeze and its accompanying brush of rainy mist move over his chest and stomach.
"Come on," Billy says after a few moments, his hand curved over Dominic's shoulder, pulling him back. Dominic's not eager to return to bed, not to lie there frustrated while Billy lies there silent, and he doesn't lean into Billy's touch as much as he'd like to, afraid there won't be much more to it.
"Can't sleep like this," Dominic mutters, but he turns as if to face the bed and is instead greeted by Billy almost too close, pulling him in even tighter, looking suddenly just as frustrated and determined as Dominic before he covers the surly turn of Dominic's lips with his own.
"You'll sleep," Billy says again when they catch their breath, and Dominic feels dizzy from the sound of it and the air in the room, moving with Billy back to the bed. It doesn't feel real at first; Dominic's not sure he can trust what's happening now until Billy's back hits the mattress and he drags Dominic down but above him, kissing him again as deeply as he had a moment before but now with something more than an agenda of distraction or comfort. Dominic recognizes it vividly, remembers what it felt like when Billy gave up trying to separate want from need and accepted them both, in himself as much as from Dominic. It's one of the first secrets Billy ever gave up, this visible surrender, and one Dominic's kept close.
Billy doesn't stop him when Dominic turns his head slightly, dragging teeth and tongue against the skin of Billy's throat and neck. The heat of the room means nothing next to this, and the rain's deafened by the sound of Billy's stuttering breaths. Dominic nudges against him, Billy's stubble scraping down his cheek, and then he slides down Billy's body as Billy tips his head back and closes his eyes, his hand falling to Dominic's shoulder. This small victory spikes and sings in Dominic's veins, and memory takes over; one hand slips inside Billy's boxers to curve around his cock, and when Billy hisses Dominic laughs against his stomach, following the sound with another kiss, a moment's truce instead of apology.
He can't remember when he last wanted something more, at least something that would do him no real harm in return. Dominic feeds a little off the struggle Billy's having with himself, and when Billy opens his eyes and takes a deep breath, Dominic meets his stare with another smile, more gentle but as persuasive as he can make it. Billy doesn't speak, and when he closes his eyes again, Dominic tugs at the boxers and lets out a relieved breath of his own when Billy's hips rise and allow it. Dominic's in with more than a chance now, he feels it; Billy's hands slide into his hair and thread there as they always have when Dominic's caught him like this, and Dominic revels in the familiarity of it even as he registers again what's different: Billy's stomach less rounded than before, his skin feverish with weeks' worth of suppressed need. Dominic trails one hand between Billy's thighs and nudges at him as he presses his lips above Billy's shaft, and Billy hisses again, wrapping his hands tightly around Dominic's arms and pulling him back up hard.
Dominic grits his teeth, ready for a fight he plans to win this time. Billy can't stop this now, not again, and when Dominic meets his eyes he can tell that Billy's not going to. Dominic has to work hard not to sag a little with relief, to instead offer all the attention Billy's demanding from him with that glassy green stare, but he manages it, and the payoff's more than enough.
"I want you," Billy says roughly, shaking his head when Dominic tries to speak. "I want to fuck you, Dom, and I want you to let me. Here. I haven't got anything--I thought we'd be home, I thought by now we'd have already--" Billy takes a breath and brings Dominic's face down to his own for another kiss, a hard one that leaves Dominic moving desperately against Billy's body, the friction driving him mad.
"Don't need anything--" Dominic starts, but Billy shakes his head again, leaning forward and sitting them both up, kissing Dominic again with a pressure Dominic thinks he'll feel a long while from now.
"'m not that much of a bastard, Dom--"
"And I'm not made of fucking glass." Dominic catches himself, ducks his head and releases another frustrated, harsh breath, tucking himself tighter to Billy, then sliding his tongue against the sensitive skin beneath Billy's ear and humming when Billy shivers and arches against him. "Do your worst, Billy; I can handle it, I did, I want--please, Billy, fucking just do it, please--"
Billy silences him as hard as Dominic wants him to and how, his kiss nearly brutal this time in strength and intention. Dominic feels dizzy again, holding on as Billy tries to move and releasing only after Billy's turned them both, pinning Dominic on his back and staring at him, looking for some kind of truth Dominic doesn't know how to give any other way but in the return of his gaze.
Billy breaks first, closing his eyes and planting his hands on the mattress before he pushes off and leaves the bed for the tiny bathroom, ransacking it while Dominic curls his fingers in the sheet beneath him and tries not to otherwise move or speak, in case the overheated spell's broken somehow and Billy changes his mind, again. Billy looks on the verge of it, leaning in the bathroom door's frame with one hand around a small bottle and the other swiping across his damp forehead. Dominic rises up on his elbows, the memory of doing so in Billy's office under nearly the same circumstances so long ago overwhelming him. The weak breeze from the cracked window moves across his bare stomach like a blessing, relaxing him before Billy advances, his expression one Dominic thought he might never see again. Dominic reaches for him, unable to wait out even the determination in Billy's eyes now. Billy nearly tumbles onto the mattress, bracing himself with his free hand and then steadying himself completely while Dominic inches backward against the pillows and bites his lip, his stare now on Billy's hands.
"'s not going to be enough," Billy says, the rasp of before still in his voice. "But 's all there is, Dom; you've got to be sure--"
Dominic catches Billy's face in his hands, quieting him, and trails first fingers then lips over his skin, a certainty he tries to pass on to Billy in each touch. There's a part of him that could tell Billy to do whatever he wants, however he wants and as hard as he wants, but that's not what Billy needs to know or hear; instead Dominic finds Billy's hand and slides it between them, curving around Dominic's cock as Dominic nudges his forehead against Billy's.
Billy's movements veer from practiced and careful to scattered and rough and then back again, relearning Dominic it feels like, or testing them both. Dominic spreads his thighs, unafraid for the first time in a long while that it's going to leave him worse off in the end, and he catalogs every action and reaction from Billy and himself, measuring Billy's eagerness against his own and finding them matched, finally; Billy leans forward and confirms it with another blistering kiss as his fingers slide and scissor inside Dominic, cool and damp at first from whatever Billy had found and then hot, teasing and turning and thrilling Dominic until he loses his breath and tips his head back on a sound so relieved he thinks it might echo in this room for days.
When Billy drags his hand away, his own breath ragged now, Dominic shivers again, and Billy's eyes darting to Dominic's before he brushes his lips against the scar and bruise on Dominic's forehead. Dominic tilts his chin until his lips find Billy's, and he moves his hands restlessly down Billy's back, pulling him closer, nodding before Billy can speak the question on his lips once more.
Billy's still almost too careful at first, easing himself too slowly inside Dominic, but Dominic tries not to fight for more; Billy's drawing it for both of them, but Dominic can see the effort it takes. The muscles in Billy's arms, too often hidden from anyone else's view, go taut as he holds himself above Dominic, and Dominic brushes his hand over Billy's skin, slick and hot as Dominic remembers it only ever feeling when they were together like this, when Billy had drawn things out well past any sane man's endurance and still demanded more. Dominic relishes every hiss Billy makes now, every stuttering breath, watching as Billy fights for and loses his control. The bed protests loudly, and Dominic releases a lower, more guttural sound of pleasure. Billy bares his teeth on another smile Dominic's not seen in ages, one that makes him swallow hard and bear down before Billy shoves back inside him, and then they both shiver, Billy backing away until Dominic raises his knees and traps him, dragging Billy back and pulling him down, too, their kiss messy and awkward and brilliant and everything Dominic needs.
It can't last half as long as they've made things do so before. Billy's reaching the limits of his strength, Dominic can tell, and they've both had they most wanted here; whoever and whatever is supposed to offer them permission to let go now is nowhere to be seen or felt, and Dominic doesn't want to wait any more, not when he can see and feel that Billy's so close. Dominic rakes his hands down Billy's sides, arching when Billy does, too, and then watches in a blurry haze as Billy comes, every flex and release of his body as Dominic had remembered it. Words tumble from Billy's lips, all the roughened slurry nonsense Dominic remembers, too, but then they're gone, lost as Dominic feels that racing chill in his spine that pools into heat at his stomach. This wasn't as easy to recall, he thinks, or maybe he never wanted to feel it again without Billy; but for now it's perfect, it's fantastic, and Dominic feels himself letting go, his hands slipping down Billy's arms and then back up again, gripping hard as he comes.
There's no clock loud enough in the room by which Dominic can judge how long they rest afterward. Billy's heavy on him, but Dominic has no intention of pushing him away; they're as comfortable as they can be under the circumstances, and Dominic had grown accustomed to letting Billy move in his own time, deciding when it was best for them both.
"I love you," Dominic says quietly in a little slur of his own when Billy finally shifts just slightly, and Billy nods but says nothing, his breathing still heavy and slow and his expression soft from exhaustion and a relief of his own. His silence doesn't bother Dominic this time; he remembers agreeing with Karina's determination that it doesn't matter that Billy can't offer him the same--or any--declaration, and finally he believes his own words. He can't expect anything but what Billy's willing to give, a little more every day and week they're back together, and he's alright with that. Dominic reaches to push the damn hair from Billy's forehead, and Billy nods again before he rests against Dominic's shoulder again and holds still and quiet.
It's only when Dominic shifts uneasily beneath him that Billy seems to surface properly, planting himself up on his hands again and easing away from Dominic's body slowly, watching every twitch and cataloging every hiss Dominic makes as Billy guides them both from the bed. They've never moved more carefully than this, Dominic thinks; not even the first night he'd returned to Billy's house had they needed such caution and time, and though he aches to fall back asleep again, this time having earned every second of it, he lets Billy walk him underneath the tepid water of the shower, listening to Billy's low, breathless laughter at how pathetic the stream feels and how much they need it nonetheless.
They take turns under the water, the bar of soap slick and dissolving in Dominic's hands as he spreads his palms over Billy's chest. Billy allows it and returns the attention better than Dominic can, his focus as ever just a little stronger and tighter than Dominic's can be after they've done this. They don't talk; Dominic catches volumes in Billy's eyes and the high flush in his cheeks, happy rather than abashed or angered, and Billy eventually forgets himself a little and leans into Dominic, pushing him against the tile and kissing him again. Dominic reaches around him, smacking at the taps when the water turns cold though he thinks he might enjoy the change if he were alone.
He's not, though, and he hasn't been, not through any of the last few months. Recognizing that again, Dominic steps from the shower gingerly and shakes off Billy's attempt to hand him the rough, single towel available to them. Instead he moves to stand in front of the window again, his body still overheated, exhausted, but calm now, at peace. After a few minutes Billy moves behind him and runs the towel over his shoulders and down his back before Dominic turns to face him. Billy lets them stand in silence for long seconds, but then he curves his hand at Dominic's neck again, the touch this time exactly what Dominic wants.
"Tell me," he says calmly. "Whatever it is, Dom, tell me."
"I was afraid."
Billy doesn't look surprised; he just blinks and tightens his grip on Dominic gently. "What of?"
"I thought you wouldn't--want this again. Me." Dominic can feel the blush coming over him, and he frowns, trying to push it away. "And I couldn't stand it. Not when I knew you could, whenever you wanted to, and you just--didn't, like--"
"I'm one of the least patient men in the world, Dom," Billy sighs. "Only just a bit more than you. You know this. You also know I had good reason."
Dominic nods. "Reason doesn't mean anything, though, not when you're in the thick of it, and you know that. It's been like this for weeks, Billy. And every time I tried to get it out, just talk through it, like, nothing came." He pauses, feeling a little of the same frustration now, but this time it doesn't burn through him. Instead he feels a comfort in Billy waiting him out, knows that no matter what he says it won't come back to haunt him. "I was in love with you before you ever touched me."
"Dom--" Billy starts, softly, and Dominic reaches for him, catching Billy's face in his hands.
"No, Billy. Let me say it. It wasn't just this. It's never been just about falling into fucking bed with you. When I first came to you, do you remember?" Billy nods, and Dominic continues. "You were my friend first, yeah? My--confidante, like. You knew me."
Another nod, and then Billy tilts his head. "And you knew nothing about me."
"I didn't have to. Some people you just trust, Billy. And you didn't make it hard then, right? We both did, yeah, later, but not then. We don't have to now, either. It doesn't have to be easy, or perfect, or anything; it just has to be. And I thought it wouldn't again, until now, Billy, until here. I want--" Dominic takes a deep breath, exhaustion catching up to him, and he reaches for Billy, sliding into his arms gratefully. "I want you to trust me."
"I do."
It comes too quickly from Billy, and Dominic shakes his head. "You will. You've got to let me earn it, though. You did, here. And you've got to let me do it again."
Billy's silent again, and Dominic doesn't question it, knowing it's a peaceful quiet Billy's working his way through, finding a mental path for both of them that joins the physical, returning them to the bed. Dominic leans to straighten the sheet, closing his eyes as Billy's hand rests on his back again, the touch tempering the welcomed little protest his body makes at the movement. They ease their way on to the mattress, and then Dominic pulls Billy close, waiting for Billy to settle before he speaks again.
"I don't know everything, Billy, but I know you. I know enough, and I'll--figure out the rest. I'll learn more. But you were--" Dominic stops, needing to be sure Billy's listening now, and he is, his eyes tired and at half-mast but focused warmly on Dominic. "You're exactly the man I thought you were."
Billy's eyes close at that, and Dominic leans in to kiss him, taking from Billy what's been given freely since he came back into Billy's life. Billy responds, but they're each too tired and too hot to do more than acknowledge the other's touch, and eventually Dominic turns and lets Billy tug him back against his chest. The sound of the rain is lulling now, and after several minutes its patter sends Dominic too far into rest for him to climb back up or out, not even when he hears Billy moving again, his hand sliding down Dominic's arm and then to his waist and his chin resting against Dominic's shoulder. Dominic's eyes feel too heavy to open, but he forces himself to concentrate, almost hearing the words before Billy can speak them.
"'m in love with you," Billy says, low and soft against Dominic's skin, and then Dominic feels him shaking his head, correcting himself. "I love you. And I can't let--I won't let you go into your dreams without knowing it, without hearing it, Dom; whatever it is you're dreaming that keeps waking you up like you did here, it's not as strong as you are, and I thought--" Billy stops himself and Dominic holds his breath again desperately, too tired to calm Billy's thoughts or his own.
"I can't say it like you can," Billy finally murmurs. "And I won't, but you have to know, Dom; you have to know that none of the rest of what we did before can matter as much as this does now. I love you. It's going to be better; you're going to be better, and I'm going t'fuck it up a little less if we're lucky. I'm not going to ever get this as right as someone else could, but I love you. You're not going t'remember me saying it, but I want you to."
"I'll remember," Dominic says, the words mostly lost to the air as he surrenders again to sleep. Billy draws him in more tightly, and Dominic feels none of the heat of the room, none of the restlessness and fear that's both fueled and exhausted him; there's only the imperfect safety of Billy's arms around him and an imperfect truth that blankets them both.
Authors: kiltsandlollies and escribo
Characters: Billy/Dominic
Word count: 4378
Summary: Continued from here.
Index
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction; the recognizable people in the story belong to themselves and have never performed the actions portrayed here. I do not know the actors nor am I associated with them in any way. If you are underage, please do not read this story. I am not making any profit from these stories, nor do I mean any harm.
It's pitch black in the room when Dominic is suddenly wide awake, his heart pounding in his chest and blood rushing loud in his ears. He lies still, listening, trying to determine what woke him, but all he can hear is Billy's soft breathing, even and quiet but not as if in slumber, familiar enough that Dominic knows Billy is awake, too, but maybe for another reason. The rain continues to pound against the window, the sound loud at the thin door, and for a moment Dominic worries about water seeping in beneath the frame before he remembers where they are and why. There'd been a dream, Dominic remembers, something ugly that felt all too real, but it's danced away from the edges of his thoughts now, and when Billy moves his thumb in a gentle circle against Dominic's skin, it's nearly gone, leaving only the resulting uneasiness.
For a long time, Dominic lies still and sweats, the air in the room oppressive and Billy's hand heavy on his waist, until even the quiet is too loud in Dominic's ears. For a while he tries to remember his dream before he gives it up in favor of worrying about his more imminent fears: the German paper that's not quite finished but is already due, the return email he owes his brother, the call he more than owes his mother, the biology course he's positive he'll have to retake next term though Billy hasn't said it out loud yet, Billy himself.
Pushing away the thin, rough sheet that's tangled in his legs, Dominic sits up at the edge of the bed, huffing out his misery before a final worry intrudes--that he was wrong and Billy was actually asleep, and now Dominic's disturbed him. Dominic looks over his shoulder to find what he'd originally expected: Billy's face illuminated by the slat of too bright street light that's coming in from blinds that wouldn't quite close, watching him as if measuring both his mood and his pulse, with compassion and concern in his eyes and none of the frustrated need Dominic feels gnawing at the pit of his own stomach. Dominic sighs heavily, turning back and bending to set his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. He remembers his dream suddenly and with terrifyingly clarity--Elijah and Billy fucking; Billy kissing Elijah with the intensity that Dominic had assumed was reserved for him exclusively; Elijah contorting himself beneath Billy's hands. Dominic scrubs at his face with both hands as if he can erase that image, digging his balled fists into his eyes until bright spots dance in the darkness. He jumps when Billy drags his hand over his damp, sweating back, the feeling too much and not enough at the same time, and then stands, the light in the room enough to guide him to the bathroom but not enough to stop him from stubbing his toe against the metal leg of the bed, hidden beneath the duvet they've kicked to its end.
"Fuck," he breathes out, balancing himself on the bed as he works through the sudden pain.
"Dom?"
"Hit my foot." Dominic clears his throat and straightens, hearing Billy shifting on the mattress. "I'm fine," he says, wanting to stave off any more of Billy's concern that's become as oppressive as the heat in the room in the absence of what he feels he really needs from Billy now: his passion, his greed, and the least careful touch possible from his hands. "Go back to sleep," Dominic says, forcing the tone of his voice to remain even, to make it sound kind and not like a command.
In the bathroom, Dominic doesn't bother to turn on the light or close the door. He uses the toilet, washes his hands and then bends to splash water on his face, to run his wet hands through his hair. Reaching for the towel, Dominic sees the bedroom light come back on behind him, and he blinks at his reflection in the mirror. Thirty-five, Billy had said. Nearly fifteen years older than Dominic. He'd learned more about Billy in those breathless seconds than he had in years, he thinks, at least from Billy's own lips. There is plenty Dominic knows without having been told, though: Billy's favorite foods and the best of his collection of ridiculous disaster movies and even more ridiculous science fiction paperbacks. He knows how to make Billy laugh, how to tease him from a bad mood, when to leave him alone--he's still learning that last. Dominic knows how Billy looks before he comes, knows the places on his body that get him there quickest. Knows at least one of Billy's secrets, two if he counted himself, and knows now that others are weighing Billy down hard, dragging Dominic with him.
Aware that he won't be left much longer in peace in the bathroom, Dominic steps back to the mattress, looking down at Billy lying in bed. He sits again at its edge, thinking that this isn't working, and he has no idea how to make it work. He can't stop thinking about what Billy's said, about all the things he still doesn't know, and more important, the things he does know about Billy that Billy doesn't seem to know about himself. Dominic closes his eyes, feeling his blood rushing again as he wonders what mistake Billy had made at St. Andrews--if that mistake had been another student, if Dominic wasn't the only one to find himself in love with his professor. He remembers what Elijah had said, the words he'd banish to the far reaches of the forest of his thoughts if he could: You think you're the first? I heard about a grad student last term, some blonde chick--.
"It's hot," Dominic says suddenly, both because he can't think of anything else to say and to ward off the words he knows are on Billy's lips, about to be spoken. Are you alright? He's not. He hasn't been, and he wonders if he ever will be again. The mattress groans quietly behind him as Billy stands and strides to the window, and Dominic watches as Billy struggles with it, the frame proving stronger than Billy's grip.
"'s painted shut," Billy sighs, then moves to the thermostat, one hand raised to manipulate it before he frowns and looks back over his shoulder. "And that's broken. I may or may not have had a hand in that, before. It was--" He throws a hand. "Cold. And now it's clearly not. I'm making a fucking hash of this."
Dominic shakes his head and pushes his hands through his hair again, joining Billy back at the window. It takes a long few minutes of absurd pushes and pulls, but together they get the window cracked, letting cooler air in just as Dominic thinks he might crawl out of his skin otherwise. The room's still too warm by far, but it's something, and Dominic closes his eyes and lets the breeze and its accompanying brush of rainy mist move over his chest and stomach.
"Come on," Billy says after a few moments, his hand curved over Dominic's shoulder, pulling him back. Dominic's not eager to return to bed, not to lie there frustrated while Billy lies there silent, and he doesn't lean into Billy's touch as much as he'd like to, afraid there won't be much more to it.
"Can't sleep like this," Dominic mutters, but he turns as if to face the bed and is instead greeted by Billy almost too close, pulling him in even tighter, looking suddenly just as frustrated and determined as Dominic before he covers the surly turn of Dominic's lips with his own.
"You'll sleep," Billy says again when they catch their breath, and Dominic feels dizzy from the sound of it and the air in the room, moving with Billy back to the bed. It doesn't feel real at first; Dominic's not sure he can trust what's happening now until Billy's back hits the mattress and he drags Dominic down but above him, kissing him again as deeply as he had a moment before but now with something more than an agenda of distraction or comfort. Dominic recognizes it vividly, remembers what it felt like when Billy gave up trying to separate want from need and accepted them both, in himself as much as from Dominic. It's one of the first secrets Billy ever gave up, this visible surrender, and one Dominic's kept close.
Billy doesn't stop him when Dominic turns his head slightly, dragging teeth and tongue against the skin of Billy's throat and neck. The heat of the room means nothing next to this, and the rain's deafened by the sound of Billy's stuttering breaths. Dominic nudges against him, Billy's stubble scraping down his cheek, and then he slides down Billy's body as Billy tips his head back and closes his eyes, his hand falling to Dominic's shoulder. This small victory spikes and sings in Dominic's veins, and memory takes over; one hand slips inside Billy's boxers to curve around his cock, and when Billy hisses Dominic laughs against his stomach, following the sound with another kiss, a moment's truce instead of apology.
He can't remember when he last wanted something more, at least something that would do him no real harm in return. Dominic feeds a little off the struggle Billy's having with himself, and when Billy opens his eyes and takes a deep breath, Dominic meets his stare with another smile, more gentle but as persuasive as he can make it. Billy doesn't speak, and when he closes his eyes again, Dominic tugs at the boxers and lets out a relieved breath of his own when Billy's hips rise and allow it. Dominic's in with more than a chance now, he feels it; Billy's hands slide into his hair and thread there as they always have when Dominic's caught him like this, and Dominic revels in the familiarity of it even as he registers again what's different: Billy's stomach less rounded than before, his skin feverish with weeks' worth of suppressed need. Dominic trails one hand between Billy's thighs and nudges at him as he presses his lips above Billy's shaft, and Billy hisses again, wrapping his hands tightly around Dominic's arms and pulling him back up hard.
Dominic grits his teeth, ready for a fight he plans to win this time. Billy can't stop this now, not again, and when Dominic meets his eyes he can tell that Billy's not going to. Dominic has to work hard not to sag a little with relief, to instead offer all the attention Billy's demanding from him with that glassy green stare, but he manages it, and the payoff's more than enough.
"I want you," Billy says roughly, shaking his head when Dominic tries to speak. "I want to fuck you, Dom, and I want you to let me. Here. I haven't got anything--I thought we'd be home, I thought by now we'd have already--" Billy takes a breath and brings Dominic's face down to his own for another kiss, a hard one that leaves Dominic moving desperately against Billy's body, the friction driving him mad.
"Don't need anything--" Dominic starts, but Billy shakes his head again, leaning forward and sitting them both up, kissing Dominic again with a pressure Dominic thinks he'll feel a long while from now.
"'m not that much of a bastard, Dom--"
"And I'm not made of fucking glass." Dominic catches himself, ducks his head and releases another frustrated, harsh breath, tucking himself tighter to Billy, then sliding his tongue against the sensitive skin beneath Billy's ear and humming when Billy shivers and arches against him. "Do your worst, Billy; I can handle it, I did, I want--please, Billy, fucking just do it, please--"
Billy silences him as hard as Dominic wants him to and how, his kiss nearly brutal this time in strength and intention. Dominic feels dizzy again, holding on as Billy tries to move and releasing only after Billy's turned them both, pinning Dominic on his back and staring at him, looking for some kind of truth Dominic doesn't know how to give any other way but in the return of his gaze.
Billy breaks first, closing his eyes and planting his hands on the mattress before he pushes off and leaves the bed for the tiny bathroom, ransacking it while Dominic curls his fingers in the sheet beneath him and tries not to otherwise move or speak, in case the overheated spell's broken somehow and Billy changes his mind, again. Billy looks on the verge of it, leaning in the bathroom door's frame with one hand around a small bottle and the other swiping across his damp forehead. Dominic rises up on his elbows, the memory of doing so in Billy's office under nearly the same circumstances so long ago overwhelming him. The weak breeze from the cracked window moves across his bare stomach like a blessing, relaxing him before Billy advances, his expression one Dominic thought he might never see again. Dominic reaches for him, unable to wait out even the determination in Billy's eyes now. Billy nearly tumbles onto the mattress, bracing himself with his free hand and then steadying himself completely while Dominic inches backward against the pillows and bites his lip, his stare now on Billy's hands.
"'s not going to be enough," Billy says, the rasp of before still in his voice. "But 's all there is, Dom; you've got to be sure--"
Dominic catches Billy's face in his hands, quieting him, and trails first fingers then lips over his skin, a certainty he tries to pass on to Billy in each touch. There's a part of him that could tell Billy to do whatever he wants, however he wants and as hard as he wants, but that's not what Billy needs to know or hear; instead Dominic finds Billy's hand and slides it between them, curving around Dominic's cock as Dominic nudges his forehead against Billy's.
Billy's movements veer from practiced and careful to scattered and rough and then back again, relearning Dominic it feels like, or testing them both. Dominic spreads his thighs, unafraid for the first time in a long while that it's going to leave him worse off in the end, and he catalogs every action and reaction from Billy and himself, measuring Billy's eagerness against his own and finding them matched, finally; Billy leans forward and confirms it with another blistering kiss as his fingers slide and scissor inside Dominic, cool and damp at first from whatever Billy had found and then hot, teasing and turning and thrilling Dominic until he loses his breath and tips his head back on a sound so relieved he thinks it might echo in this room for days.
When Billy drags his hand away, his own breath ragged now, Dominic shivers again, and Billy's eyes darting to Dominic's before he brushes his lips against the scar and bruise on Dominic's forehead. Dominic tilts his chin until his lips find Billy's, and he moves his hands restlessly down Billy's back, pulling him closer, nodding before Billy can speak the question on his lips once more.
Billy's still almost too careful at first, easing himself too slowly inside Dominic, but Dominic tries not to fight for more; Billy's drawing it for both of them, but Dominic can see the effort it takes. The muscles in Billy's arms, too often hidden from anyone else's view, go taut as he holds himself above Dominic, and Dominic brushes his hand over Billy's skin, slick and hot as Dominic remembers it only ever feeling when they were together like this, when Billy had drawn things out well past any sane man's endurance and still demanded more. Dominic relishes every hiss Billy makes now, every stuttering breath, watching as Billy fights for and loses his control. The bed protests loudly, and Dominic releases a lower, more guttural sound of pleasure. Billy bares his teeth on another smile Dominic's not seen in ages, one that makes him swallow hard and bear down before Billy shoves back inside him, and then they both shiver, Billy backing away until Dominic raises his knees and traps him, dragging Billy back and pulling him down, too, their kiss messy and awkward and brilliant and everything Dominic needs.
It can't last half as long as they've made things do so before. Billy's reaching the limits of his strength, Dominic can tell, and they've both had they most wanted here; whoever and whatever is supposed to offer them permission to let go now is nowhere to be seen or felt, and Dominic doesn't want to wait any more, not when he can see and feel that Billy's so close. Dominic rakes his hands down Billy's sides, arching when Billy does, too, and then watches in a blurry haze as Billy comes, every flex and release of his body as Dominic had remembered it. Words tumble from Billy's lips, all the roughened slurry nonsense Dominic remembers, too, but then they're gone, lost as Dominic feels that racing chill in his spine that pools into heat at his stomach. This wasn't as easy to recall, he thinks, or maybe he never wanted to feel it again without Billy; but for now it's perfect, it's fantastic, and Dominic feels himself letting go, his hands slipping down Billy's arms and then back up again, gripping hard as he comes.
There's no clock loud enough in the room by which Dominic can judge how long they rest afterward. Billy's heavy on him, but Dominic has no intention of pushing him away; they're as comfortable as they can be under the circumstances, and Dominic had grown accustomed to letting Billy move in his own time, deciding when it was best for them both.
"I love you," Dominic says quietly in a little slur of his own when Billy finally shifts just slightly, and Billy nods but says nothing, his breathing still heavy and slow and his expression soft from exhaustion and a relief of his own. His silence doesn't bother Dominic this time; he remembers agreeing with Karina's determination that it doesn't matter that Billy can't offer him the same--or any--declaration, and finally he believes his own words. He can't expect anything but what Billy's willing to give, a little more every day and week they're back together, and he's alright with that. Dominic reaches to push the damn hair from Billy's forehead, and Billy nods again before he rests against Dominic's shoulder again and holds still and quiet.
It's only when Dominic shifts uneasily beneath him that Billy seems to surface properly, planting himself up on his hands again and easing away from Dominic's body slowly, watching every twitch and cataloging every hiss Dominic makes as Billy guides them both from the bed. They've never moved more carefully than this, Dominic thinks; not even the first night he'd returned to Billy's house had they needed such caution and time, and though he aches to fall back asleep again, this time having earned every second of it, he lets Billy walk him underneath the tepid water of the shower, listening to Billy's low, breathless laughter at how pathetic the stream feels and how much they need it nonetheless.
They take turns under the water, the bar of soap slick and dissolving in Dominic's hands as he spreads his palms over Billy's chest. Billy allows it and returns the attention better than Dominic can, his focus as ever just a little stronger and tighter than Dominic's can be after they've done this. They don't talk; Dominic catches volumes in Billy's eyes and the high flush in his cheeks, happy rather than abashed or angered, and Billy eventually forgets himself a little and leans into Dominic, pushing him against the tile and kissing him again. Dominic reaches around him, smacking at the taps when the water turns cold though he thinks he might enjoy the change if he were alone.
He's not, though, and he hasn't been, not through any of the last few months. Recognizing that again, Dominic steps from the shower gingerly and shakes off Billy's attempt to hand him the rough, single towel available to them. Instead he moves to stand in front of the window again, his body still overheated, exhausted, but calm now, at peace. After a few minutes Billy moves behind him and runs the towel over his shoulders and down his back before Dominic turns to face him. Billy lets them stand in silence for long seconds, but then he curves his hand at Dominic's neck again, the touch this time exactly what Dominic wants.
"Tell me," he says calmly. "Whatever it is, Dom, tell me."
"I was afraid."
Billy doesn't look surprised; he just blinks and tightens his grip on Dominic gently. "What of?"
"I thought you wouldn't--want this again. Me." Dominic can feel the blush coming over him, and he frowns, trying to push it away. "And I couldn't stand it. Not when I knew you could, whenever you wanted to, and you just--didn't, like--"
"I'm one of the least patient men in the world, Dom," Billy sighs. "Only just a bit more than you. You know this. You also know I had good reason."
Dominic nods. "Reason doesn't mean anything, though, not when you're in the thick of it, and you know that. It's been like this for weeks, Billy. And every time I tried to get it out, just talk through it, like, nothing came." He pauses, feeling a little of the same frustration now, but this time it doesn't burn through him. Instead he feels a comfort in Billy waiting him out, knows that no matter what he says it won't come back to haunt him. "I was in love with you before you ever touched me."
"Dom--" Billy starts, softly, and Dominic reaches for him, catching Billy's face in his hands.
"No, Billy. Let me say it. It wasn't just this. It's never been just about falling into fucking bed with you. When I first came to you, do you remember?" Billy nods, and Dominic continues. "You were my friend first, yeah? My--confidante, like. You knew me."
Another nod, and then Billy tilts his head. "And you knew nothing about me."
"I didn't have to. Some people you just trust, Billy. And you didn't make it hard then, right? We both did, yeah, later, but not then. We don't have to now, either. It doesn't have to be easy, or perfect, or anything; it just has to be. And I thought it wouldn't again, until now, Billy, until here. I want--" Dominic takes a deep breath, exhaustion catching up to him, and he reaches for Billy, sliding into his arms gratefully. "I want you to trust me."
"I do."
It comes too quickly from Billy, and Dominic shakes his head. "You will. You've got to let me earn it, though. You did, here. And you've got to let me do it again."
Billy's silent again, and Dominic doesn't question it, knowing it's a peaceful quiet Billy's working his way through, finding a mental path for both of them that joins the physical, returning them to the bed. Dominic leans to straighten the sheet, closing his eyes as Billy's hand rests on his back again, the touch tempering the welcomed little protest his body makes at the movement. They ease their way on to the mattress, and then Dominic pulls Billy close, waiting for Billy to settle before he speaks again.
"I don't know everything, Billy, but I know you. I know enough, and I'll--figure out the rest. I'll learn more. But you were--" Dominic stops, needing to be sure Billy's listening now, and he is, his eyes tired and at half-mast but focused warmly on Dominic. "You're exactly the man I thought you were."
Billy's eyes close at that, and Dominic leans in to kiss him, taking from Billy what's been given freely since he came back into Billy's life. Billy responds, but they're each too tired and too hot to do more than acknowledge the other's touch, and eventually Dominic turns and lets Billy tug him back against his chest. The sound of the rain is lulling now, and after several minutes its patter sends Dominic too far into rest for him to climb back up or out, not even when he hears Billy moving again, his hand sliding down Dominic's arm and then to his waist and his chin resting against Dominic's shoulder. Dominic's eyes feel too heavy to open, but he forces himself to concentrate, almost hearing the words before Billy can speak them.
"'m in love with you," Billy says, low and soft against Dominic's skin, and then Dominic feels him shaking his head, correcting himself. "I love you. And I can't let--I won't let you go into your dreams without knowing it, without hearing it, Dom; whatever it is you're dreaming that keeps waking you up like you did here, it's not as strong as you are, and I thought--" Billy stops himself and Dominic holds his breath again desperately, too tired to calm Billy's thoughts or his own.
"I can't say it like you can," Billy finally murmurs. "And I won't, but you have to know, Dom; you have to know that none of the rest of what we did before can matter as much as this does now. I love you. It's going to be better; you're going to be better, and I'm going t'fuck it up a little less if we're lucky. I'm not going to ever get this as right as someone else could, but I love you. You're not going t'remember me saying it, but I want you to."
"I'll remember," Dominic says, the words mostly lost to the air as he surrenders again to sleep. Billy draws him in more tightly, and Dominic feels none of the heat of the room, none of the restlessness and fear that's both fueled and exhausted him; there's only the imperfect safety of Billy's arms around him and an imperfect truth that blankets them both.