I'm just so sad.
I'm so big & sore & sad & lonely. I feel like the only person in the world right now who loves me is my kid & half the time, he is just oblivious & unknowingly makes me feel like crap too, but he's 5 for crying out loud. I can't expect him to always pick up on my needy 'please love me' vibes (which he totally does & will lean over & yell out "YOU NEED SOME SUGAR!" & kiss me for no reason...God bless him.) My husband on the other hand, really doesn't want to have anything at all to do with me, or this baby it seems. Whether it be just talking to me or any kind of physical interaction. I don't blame him on the latter though, I look like a hippo. I wouldn't be attracted to me either, but an occasional hug or kiss would be nice... or just say "I love you" (because you do, not because I said it first & you feel you have to ) ...OR just sit & hold my hand & watch television with me, you don't even have to speak. If I ask him for any of this, I'm nagging. If I whine or cry or complain, I'm crazy & hormonal. I have always been one who NEEDS reassurance that I AM loved. I'm NEEDY. It's always been that way. He knows this. Now is NO DIFFERENT.
Then there's the issue of the baby. At the beginning, I guess I understood his disinterest, I looked exactly the same so I thought 'well, it's not really hit him, I'll be showing soon enough & the he'll get to feel the baby move & be more excited & into it.' Boy was I wrong. Numerous times I've asked him if he wants to feel the baby moving, when he's doing his hourly Cirque du Soleil show (I just picture him spinning around in there on the umbilical cord...tee hee) & his response is "No, it's just creepy." CREEPY? Wow, um, you really could've used a nicer word than that I think. I hate (HATE HATE HATE) saying this, but as much as I want this baby, & as much as I love him already & can't wait to meet him, he's wearing me out physically & seems to be putting a horrible strain on our marriage. I just had no idea & certainly wasn't prepared for it & I hope things change when he arrives. I sincerely feel like B would be so relieved if the whole thing had never happened, which makes me so sad I want to vomit. I understand he's under alot of stress. We found out (AFTER it happened of course) that we needed a maternity rider in place on our crappy-ass insurance agreement waaay before we got pregnant... which we DO NOT have & was not told we needed. Having had insurance provided for us through our jobs, this is the first coverage we've actually had to go out on our own & find & pay for. We were ignorant, but NOW we know! ANYWAY, we're having to pay for this entire pregnancy out of pocket & will be for a while. When this was discovered, I freaked the hell out & cried & stressed & stressed & cried....& he was all laid back & "Don't worry baby, it's just another bill. We'll be fine....BLAH BLAH BLAH." But THAT was all a bunch of bullshit & now it seems he's decided to get all stressed about it. And I understand he's got alot going on at work, too. His partner could give 2 shits that his name is associated with the crappy work he does, & is could also care less that he's dragging my husband's name down with him. But hey, he's had plenty of opportunities to leave his sorry ass sitting in the nice comfy pile of shit he's created for himself & has chosen to do nothing about it. I describe it as being stuck in a comfortable rut he doesn't want to get out of. He's fine coming home angry every day & bitching about his no-account partner who doesn't pull his share. Just because he's a business owner & is his own boss. ANYWAY, I've asked him NUMEROUS times to PLEASE let me do something (ANYHING) to help him out & his response is always "There's really nothing you can do." I don't know what else to do. Other than get a job. Which I don't think is doable right now, so.......
And I PHYSICALLY hurt. And the bigger this baby gets, the more I hurt, from my ribs down. Bones & tendons & ligaments & muscles. Sometimes it's excruciating. They all feel broken & torn. I feel like I've been riding a horse for DAYS. I remember LOVING being pregnant with Z. I loved every move he made & was actually a little sad, when he was finally here, that I couldn't feel him moving around inside anymore. I missed it. This time around is so different. Although it's a relief to feel him move, knowing he's still alive & growing stronger, I'll catch myself telling him to be still, that he's wearing me out & to please stop hurting me. And he always seems to put on his biggest show after I eat. I mean he goes NUTS. Which shakes around what I've just eaten & nauseates me. He's picked a place right below my ribs to kick REALLY hard & REPEATEDLY, so now I feel as if there's a bruise there. I mean, when I touch it from the OUTSIDE, it hurts.
Alright, I am sorry this went on so long, & I'm sorry it was just a bitchy, whiny bunch of shit. I really don't like to my put my friends on the spot over the phone & I feel like I can't talk to my husband about this, so I didn't know what else to do but write it all down. I do feel a little better. Bless you if you stuck with the entire thing. I need to go eat some lunch.