Mission #16: Hogan's Match
I wrote this mission around the time I was about to pack the whole PPC thing in. I think I wrote it in a little under a week and it showed me why I really like writing these missions: because they're the only legal way of dealing with matters I really, really dislike.
A/N: Protectors of the Plot Continuum was founded by Jay and Acacia. Excerpts from Hogan's Match by Misty Jezierski in italics. Speech that according to Misty took place in German is placed between « and ». This mission was chronicled by IndeMaat.
-oOo-
Agent Allison of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum was really pissed off. She kicked away at some dirt. Not only had she been sent on a punitive expedition, alone, but the disguise of a man she had chosen had turned out to be only visual. She was not a foot taller, and she also did not have a penis, making it impossible to even spend part of this mission usefully by finding out what the big deal was about having one of those. Allison walked gripping her right wrist behind her back. She gripped a little tighter. This whole mission was ridiculous. She didn't see the joke behind a World War Two prison camp for a situation comedy; then, the French never saw the joke behind 'Allo 'Allo. But what she really didn't get was what a Mary Sue would be doing in a PoW camp.
It was usually personnel in combat positions that ended up in PoW camps, though the Japanese had some nurses in their camps in the Pacific, but this was a Stalag. Which meant German run, not Japanese. And of course there had been women in combat positions in WWII. Soviet women, actually. But whatever the background of this Sue - nurse, Soviet, geographically confused - there was no way she was going to be held at a co-ed PoW camp.
That was why Allison had chosen the disguise of a man. A man in the RAF. She had always wanted to be a pilot. And she had wanted to be one now. Until it occurred to her that Stalags weren't for officers and she demoted herself to Flight Sergeant. Allison was already at Stalag 13. The Sue wasn't yet, but that could not take long anymore. Allison snorted as she looked at the words.
«On your feet now. Who are you? Where are your papers?»
The woman slowly got to her feet and looked at the two men. What in the world is going on? She thought to herself. Am I in the middle of a World War II reenactment?
Allison rolled her eyes. Of course, the Sue fell into some kind of time hole. As if there was a shortage of women in the 1940s. Allison retrieved a sheet of paper and a pencil stub from one of the breast pockets of the jacket she was wearing. With a content smile she wrote up the first charge: Sue from the future.
The two soldiers took the Sue to the Gestapo and asked for the man in charge.
“I am Major Hochstetter, you men wish to speak with me”
«Yes sir. We found this woman on the side of the road with no papers and we believe she might be an American.»
Allison was surprised the soldier thought the woman to be American. Why not British? Or even closer to home: a fraud? These questions distracted Allison a bit. It was only upon rereading that she noticed Hochstetter had opened up conversation with his fellow countrymen in English. How peculiar.
Hochstetter then proceeded to interview the Sue. He was not happy with the answer she gave of not knowing how or what. Beating it out of her didn't seem to help either. Allison pocketed the charge sheet and pencil, stuck her hands behind her back again and turned around. Time to do some recon of the camp.
The layout reminded her of Dogville. Not that there was actually a chalk outline of each building. The buildings where there, though lack of description had made them somewhat transparent. No, it was the fact that all the buildings had been neatly labeled with a nice wooden sign next to their main entrance. Her attention was drawn to Barracks Two where a small group of men was huddled around a coffeepot. She walked over and casually leaned against one of the beams that looked like it could take a little weight. She joined the men in listening in on the conversation that was going on in the Kommandant's office.
“Klink, I need to barrow Hogan for a little while. And before you start protesting, I assure you that this is some what a social trip.”
No one listening liked the sounds of that. Since when is anything that involved Colonel Hogan and Major Hochstetter been social. Colonel Klink gulped at that and tried not to show his fear as he asked, «May I enquire as to what this is all about?»
That was some listening device! Allison was impressed, it even showed what the Kommandant did not want to show. And again, she noticed on second thought that Hochstetter had been talking in English to another German. She wondered whether this was one of Hochstetter's quirks or one of the author's. Either way, she was going to charge the Sue with it. She fumbled for her sheet of paper to make a note.
And while she was at it she also made a note of the faults in grammar, spelling and punctuation.
Schultz was sent to fetch Hogan. Allison followed the two of them back to Klink's office, but got distracted by a Wehrmacht helmet running past on two little legs. She caught up with it and picked it up.
"Who might you be?"
"I'm Shultz," the helmet replied.
Allison narrowed her eyes. Each time someone misspells a canon character's name a mini is created, a miniature version of the offended character. She guessed these were the Hogan's Heroes minis then: head gear.
"Scheisse," she said.
"That would be Sheisse," the helmet corrected her.
Allison rolled her eyes and threw the helmet over her shoulder. It landed on its top and was stuck there. Like a tortoise on his back the mini could not roll over. It thrashed about with its legs and shouted. "Shilfe, shilfe."
Allison sighed. She went over to the mini and put it on its feet. "Now be a good little mini."
The helmet muttered a thank you and ran off.
"And don't stray," Allison shouted after it. She turned pale when she saw where the mini had ran off to. It had joined a little group consisting of three other Wehrmacht helmets and one Luftwaffe officer's cap. This was not good. Not good at all. She was two thirds into the first chapter, and already this many spelling mistakes in character names? She quickly scanned the words. It seemed the author did not know how to spell Schultz's name, and every time he was mentioned another mini was created. Soon the entire camp would be overrun with two legged Wehrmacht helmets. Well, she wasn't going to take care of them. She turned her back on them. This was so someone else's problem.
In the mean time Hochstetter had taken Hogan to the local Gestapo Headquarters and introduced him to the Sue. Allison thought it better to 'listen in' on this conversation from the camp and not risk being spotted by the Sue when she put her head around the door of her prison. Allison picked up on the words as Hochstetter left Hogan alone with the Sue.
Maria blinked as she looked at the American. Colonel Hogan, Major Hochstetter, Germany, World War II. This cant be. She thought. It is only a TV show, not reality. This is just a coincidence. Colonel Hogan walked over to Maria, took out a handkerchief and knelt down beside her.
And that were two more charges: knowing Hogan's Heroes from TV and that annoying point of view shift every time anyone had a thought. Had this Sue never learned that direct thoughts were interior monologue - speech inside the head - and had to be punctuated accordingly? Only third person limited - which the Sue most definitely was not doing; there was no limit to the number of heads she got into - could get away with not indicating thoughts as there was only one person around who could be having them.
Allison chewed on the inside of her cheeks as she looked over her charge list. This Sue was aiming for a very short life. Ten charges in the first thousand odd words. Well, the sooner this was over the better it would be for everyone. Allison turned her attention back to the Words, pencil ready for more charges.
Hogan and the Sue had introduced themselves. Hogan seemed impressed that she still had a sense of humor. Or as the Sue would call it a 'since of humor'.
Then Allison got knocked over by a strong wind. The wind toyed with her as if she was no more than an oak leaf in the fall. She bounced across the camp grounds. Just as she noticed she was heading straight for the barbed wire of the outer fences and put her arms protectively in front of her face, the wind died down. Allison fell flat on the ground. It took a moment for her to re-orient on her surroundings.
She scrambled to sit up. She was dizzy, her head thumped, and a dark stain was forming on the pant leg at her right knee. She pulled up the pant leg and saw she had a wound on her knee. She had packed light for this occasion - she packed light for every occasion - but right now she would be really pleased if Tasmin could pull a first aid kit from her duffel bag and put a bandage on that gash. Allison blinked. That thought had surprised her. After everything that had happened she imagined there would be nothing about Tasmin that she could be happy about. Except, perhaps, one of Tasmin's guns exploding in her own hand, killing both her and the Sue she was aiming at. Even a freak accident would not be able to keep Tasmin from killing a Sue. A smile appeared on Allison's face, quickly replaced by a grimace as she stretched her knee.
Allison turned her head to the Words to see if she could reasonably blame the Sue for her discomfort. She already was on disciplinary detail once; she didn't need another one for unreasonably blaming Sues. Although she couldn't imagine if there was anything unreasonable about blaming a Sue for anything. She noted that time had shifted an hour, without making a nice section break. Which explained the time rift. Which now reasonably could be blamed on the Sue.
Allison was glad that during her ordeal she had managed to hold onto her charge sheet and pencil. She wrote the Sue up for the time rift. She also wrote her up for having small talk with Hogan during that time. A woman from the future and a man from a PoW camp, what could they possibly have in common to have small talk about? Or was she telling him how much she liked the show? What was that about anyway? Did she think Hogan's Heroes was based on true events? Allison made a gagging sound. Why didn't Hogan question the Sue? Try to find out more about her? Like, what was an American doing in downtown Hammelburg in the middle of a war?
If she had been nearer she would have pointed her Character Analysis Device to see how far Hogan had strayed from his character. That is, if she had brought her Character Analysis Device. It was another casualty of light packing. She had ditched the CAD in favor of the Fic Location Follower. She checked whether the FLF was still set to manual and wondered whether she could sit out the remainder of the fic exactly where she was, keeping the weight off of her injury.
Enough fussing over that leg, she decided, back to the Words and charging the Sue. She quickly glanced the Words and picked up with the action as the Sue disclosed some vital information.
“Ok, I will tell you. I guess there is no reason to keep it a secret any more. I know who Papa Bear is.”
This caught the interest of both Hochstetter and Hogan, and Allison was sorry she couldn't see both their faces. As an avid Hogan's Heroes viewer the Sue would of course know who Papa Bear was; but, being a Sue, the Sue would never reveal that information to the enemy. Allison was pleased to see the Sue hadn't buckled under pressure - as this meant another charge on the list - rather she made up a story of it being her recently deceased husband. Hochstetter didn't buy this and had Hogan thrown out of the cell.
In the time it took Hogan to get back to camp Allison carefully got up and tried if she could walk. Her knee hurt when she bent it; it hurt when she stretched it; only when she didn't actually use the joint it hurt not so much. She limped around the compound and checked up on the minis. They were playing some kind of football which involved kicking one of them around. She wondered how they would get that one back to his feet, as none of them had any hands. Or maybe kicking him around was their way of getting him back to his feet. Allison turned around; if they weren't asking for her help she wasn't offering it either.
She started reading ahead and saw that there was a big time rift upcoming in what could be hours or mere minutes; the Sue hadn't given an indication of how much time was going to pass. Allison wasn't taking anymore chances with time rifts. She got the remote activator from her pocket and opened a portal.
-oOo-
Only after she emerged from the portal it occurred to Allison that she could have made a stop at the office, have someone take a look at that knee, take a couple of sick days and preferably forget all about this fic. She hadn't. Now it was her own fault she had to limp over to the barracks and catch the sound and visual of a conversation between Le Beau and Hogan.
“Colonel, I can’t help but notice that you are acting differently. Is there anything you would like to talk about?”
Yes there is LeBeau, but I cant. I can’t even admit it to myself. “Thanks for asking LeBeau, but I am ok. It just bothers me when we cant save everyone from Hochstetter’s grasp. It is just something I have to accept.” I cant believe I just lied to LeBeau. If I say it enough times, I might actually start believing that myself. By the look on LeBeau’s face, I don’t think he believes me either. I will be glad when this war is over, so I don’t have to keep secrets, or hide my true feelings.
Allison smiled and pulled the charge sheet from her pocket. 'Hogan out of character' she wrote down. If even the other characters started to notice that something was wrong with a character, than something was seriously wrong. Sure, the Sue would want her to believe the guy was acting strangely because he was in love. But Allison didn't believe in love at first sight anymore than she believed in the Easter Bunny or Tiptree United FC winning the FA Cup.
Allison also made a note of the neglect of the common comma. She put the charge sheet away. She was starting to feel peckish. As the rations available at PPC Headquarters were generally inedible Allison chose not to bring any. Oddly enough PoW camp food appealed more to her, but then, she had heard of Le Beau's cooking. As she limped past the Kommandantur in search of a kitchen she noted someone was putting up a new door sign over the old one, the latter of which had a typo in it.
She stopped to take a good look and compliment the carpenter on his fine work putting up the sign. She asked him for directions to the kitchen. He was very helpful. The kitchen, however, was not. No food. Allison turned her attention to the Words to see when there might be a proper meal expected. The next day. At least, that was implied. Allison checked whether the FLF was still set to manual and stepped through the portal.
-oOo-
After the meal, which Allison thought quite good considering, Allison took a portal three months ahead in time. She got soaked the moment she stepped through the portal. As fast as her bum leg could carry her she ran over to the porch of the Kommandantur to get some shielding from the rain. She sniffled and coughed. She hated it that fictional rain had such a real effect on her. She stood next to Klink who didn't pay attention to her, courtesy of the Someone Else's Problem field surrounding her. She sighed a sigh of relief that hadn't broken down in this torrential rain. She pulled her electronic devices from her pockets and checked if they were still in working order. The FLF had a waterproofness stamp on it; the remote portal activator was still able to activate a portal. She closed the portal and pocketed the gadgets. She would have to check later if the activated portal also lead to the intended location. Right now she had to pay attention as a new prisoner was delivered to Klink.
«Here is the file on the prisoner.» The Captain handed Klink a file that wastwo inches thick.
A two inch report? How did a civilian get a two inch report? Allison herself did not even have a two inch report. And she was put on report a lot. Then, the Flowers did have a penchant for very fine print. Allison pulled her charge sheet from her pocket. It was soaked and impossible to write on. Great. She fumbled it back into her pocket. Mental note: get a waterproof voice recorder for all future missions. That would also save her the trouble of reading out the charges. She would just have to press play. Mental note two: charge the Sue with accumulating a five hundred page file in three months. Mental note three: compliment Gestapo on writing a five hundred page file in eighty working days. That was an average of six pages a day, next to having to torture the Sue to actually have something to write about, and keeping up with their own daily routine. Mental note four: scratch mental note three; it's not important.
Klink protested to a female civilian being brought to his Luftwaffe PoW camp. To no avail. The bundle of person was left in his care. He ordered Schultz to take her inside. He went in to call Helga.
Allison looked at the words, saw there was an odd combination of time rifts and time stretches coming up, and chose not to wait and see what such a thing looked like up close. She opened up a portal on the porch.
-oOo-
When Allison stepped through the portal it had stopped raining. Which was good, as the journey through the portal had left her with a dry uniform. There were lots of puddles throughout the camp grounds. Allison looked around the camp. The minis had become quite abundant. And they obviously couldn't take care of themselves. Three of them were floating upside down in puddles. She wondered if any of the canon characters could see the minis, and what they would think of them. She turned her attention to the Words and saw she had quite some catching up to do.
Hochstetter had come in the morning and ordered that the Sue be moved to Barracks Two. To Hogan's room to be more exact. He said he had a plan that required the Sue to be at Stalag 13.
«And I do what I want with my prisoners?»
Allison was amused that Hochstetter wasn't too sure either about what he could do and could not do within this fic. She figured his plan had something to do with catching Hogan at something. She didn't know what he had in mind, but if Hochstetter thought it was going to work he was either a bad judge of character - Hogan's character - or he had not learned anything from past experiences.
'Hochstetter is a poster boy for not learning from experience,' a little voice whispered in her head.
'Don't make excuses for the Sue,' Allison replied. 'She makes Hochstetter champion a plan that will never work, if it is going to be revealed at all.'
The voice chuckled. 'I knew I'd teach you after all.'
'Tasmin? Get out of my head.' Allison shook her head violently hoping she could fling her former partner out of her head that way. She stopped as she felt a stabbing pain behind her eyes. Why was she having Tasmin in her head? Bouncing around in that time rift must have given her brain damage.
With the unconscious Sue now at Stalag 13 everyone could fuss over her and feel sorry for her. PoWs and Germans alike. Allison made a note of this. Her charge list had dried up too. The rumpledness made it harder to write on it. She was pleased the Sue had at least made sure she got hurt properly. Too bad it hadn't killed her. She just stayed in a coma for three weeks.
A work detail was getting ready to do some farm work. Allison thought about joining them. But one step with her right leg made her change her mind. It didn't matter. There probably wasn't much interesting going to happen during the work detail, other than that she might catch a glimpse of how the characters behaved when they weren't under the direct influence of the Sue.
The work detail left and a little later a black car pulled up by Barracks Two. A man Allison recognized as Hochstetter got out of the car and into the barracks. She limped over to see what he was doing back at the Stalag. She had almost reached the barracks when Klink and Schultz came running past her. Allison tried to limp faster as it seemed there was going to be some action, and she didn't want to miss a thing of it.
Klink threw open the door to barrack 2 and rushed immediately to Maria’s room and threw open that door. He was appalled at what he saw.
Major Hochstetter wason top ofMaria. Without thinking about the Russian front or any of the other kinds of trouble Hochstetter could cause him, He ran over to the bed and threw Hochstetter off of her.
That's right, Allison thought, someone should tell Hochstetter that straddling a person and shaking them violently by the shoulders is not going to wake them up from a coma. The voice in her head chuckled.
'I thought I had told you to get out of my head.'
'I like it here. It's nice and spacious.'
Allison did not reply to that. She turned her attention to the Words and saw another time rift coming up. Had this Sue never heard of section breaks? Or about 'tell, don't show' for that matter? Not everything that happened in a story had to be shown. Please, no. Stories shouldn't be action packed. They should also give room to let you catch your breath occasionally. Allison opened a portal to find a place where she could catch her breath.
-oOo-
It was evening, a day or two after Klink had Hochstetter thrown out of the barracks. Allison sat down to catch up on her reading. It was a quiet evening. The Words lit up in the sky as stars only she could see. At moments like this it wasn't so bad to be a Sue hunter. Being a PPC agent had its good points: you got to see the world. Or rather, the world of fiction. Sadly, it was the world of fiction at its worst. In a sense working for the PPC had a lot in common with being in the Royal Navy.
She leaned back and read the Words. Klink had gone to Berlin to get a restraining order for Hochstetter. During his absence of one day a Colonel by the name of Beauman had supervised. Allison wondered if minis were also created when the name of an original character was misspelled. She would have to check on the minis later. Hogan had left the camp in frustration, but it was not explained what he had done to pass the time until his return to camp.
"COLONEL HOGAN! Come in here fast!”
Allison jumped up when she heard Carter shouting. Ignoring her painful knee she ran into Barracks Two, along with everyone else, to see what was going on. It was the Sue; she had woken up. That surprised Allison: there had been no mention of medical care or even feeding of the Sue while in a coma.
She looked tired, confused and scarred.
That didn't surprised Allison as the Sue had been brought in with many cuts and wounds. Another surprise came when next Newkirk accused Schultz of scarring her. Schultz was a guter Schluker - a good sod - particularly in this fic. He wouldn't lay a hand on the Sue.
Klink, with some aid from Hogan, had everyone removed from the room for roll call, where he announced the Sue was hands off. After roll call, where Allison had found herself a place in line, everyone hurried back into the barracks. Le Beau went about to make some broth. Allison felt the floor starting to shake. Time rift. She grabbed the nearest thing to hold on to, which was Sergeant Carter.
Allison held on to him tight with both her arms across his chest. This made the transition through the time rift smoother for her. It didn't make it smoother for Carter. He started gasping for breath. Allison let go of him as soon as the shaking had stopped.
"You all right?" Newkirk asked.
"It's like I had this band around my chest that made it impossible for me to breathe," Carter said not quite having his breath back, but enough for him to talk.
"Sorry about that, mate," Allison said. Even tough she knew he couldn't hear her. At least, he shouldn't be able to hear her.
"You're not having a heart attack, are you?"
"No, I think a heart attack is different, this was just very tense. A heart attack is more ... Either way, it's gone now."
Allison turned her attention to Le Beau who had gone into the Sue's room with a cup of soup.
LeBeau held out his hand for Maria to take if she wished him to help her. Hesitantly she took LeBeau’s hand. He pulled her up and helped her scoot back. He then held the cup in his hands and took a spoon and dipped it in the cup. He put it close to her mouth. She shook her head and took the spoon from LeBeau. LeBeau smiled and handed her the cup. “I will leave you alone while you eat. If you need anything just let me know.”
Either the Sue hadn't researched what it was like to come out of a coma - and the fact that she was still alive was strong evidence of that - or she had not understood the meaning of the word gradually. Only in fiction do coma patients show such utter and complete awakening.
The floor started to shake again. Allison grabbed hold of Carter's shoulder. Again, a smooth transition through a time rift.
'And again you can't keep your hands off of canon.'
'Since when are you my moral conscience?'
'Since I discovered there was a vacancy.'
Allison tried to give Tasmin a mental glare. She took the Fic Location Finder from her pocket. It was still set to manual. Then why did she keep getting caught in time rifts. Weren't FLFs supposed to protect against that? Or had it not been waterproof after all? She turned the FLF over and stared at the waterproof mark. It looked genuine and Makes-Things would not make a mistake like that. Then her eye fell on some small print underneath the mark: FLF can't influence time rifts that don't involve a change of location.
'I could have told you that,' Tasmin's voice taunted.
"Shut up!" Allison stomped out of the barracks to open a portal. Behind her Carter asked Le Beau if he could have some of that broth too. He wasn't feeling too well.
-oOo-
Stomping through the portal had not improved the condition of her knee. While she blew on it to make it feel cooler and more comfortable, Allison resolved to not let Tasmin get to her like that anymore. They weren't partners anymore. She couldn't care less about anything Tasmin thought of her. She gently pulled the pant leg back down over her knee and looked around. She hadn't paid much attention to where she was going. How far would she have to read back to catch up?
She saw Hochstetter standing by the gate, on the outside of it. He was making faces at the Sue. Allison found that amusing. She turned her attention to the Words. Only about half a chapter to catch up.
The night after the Sue woke up the Heroes went on a sabotage mission.
That night after the men left for the mission, Maria snuck out also. She had grabbed a rifle and fallowed far behind them.
Allison checked whether she got that right. Yeah, it really was about 24 hours after the Sue came to from her coma that the Heroes went on that mission. Not only had the Sue not researched what it meant to wake up from a coma, she also had not paid any attention to what it means for your muscles that you haven't used them in over three weeks. Walking with a lot of stumbling? Yes, perhaps that was possible. Sneaking after Hogan and his men without being noticed? No, definitely not.
Allison read on, her pencil ready to write up more charges. Where there was one, there usually were more. Allison was not disappointed. Hogan and his men got caught.
There was no way of getting out of it. Hogan ordered his men to lay down their weapons and do as the Captain ordered. The Captain motioned for the men to move away from the bridge, while the other SS menstarted to remove the explosives. When they got a good distance away, the Captain motioned for them to kneel down. He went up to them and checked their dog tags. “Ah American. You have been found guilty as spies and will be executed immediately.” The Captain pulled out his Lugar and put it to Hogan’s head.
Allison rolled her eyes. The Sue mentioned the make of the gun. Tasmin would be pleased.
'She misspelled the name of the gun.'
'Guess you're not pleased by that.'
Maria knew she had to act fast. She took the riffle and aimed it at the bridge. She put the sights on one of the bundles of explosives and pulled the trigger. The blast from the bridge exploding threw the Captain and the rest of the SS to the ground.
Well, obviously the good distance away was not a very good distance away, Allison chuckled. The Heroes, who had set the explosives, seemed to be immune to the blast they caused. Allison wondered whether that was some trickery Carter had built into explosives to make sure they never blew up in his face. She wondered how he had managed it.
When Hogan heard another gunshot, he flinched as if he was the one who had been shot. The Captain fell over dead. Hogan ordered his men to move out and return home.
Allison rolled over laughing. The Sue is dead to the world one day, and the next she saves the day. How could anyone not spot that this was wrong? The Sue made it back to the barracks before any of the men - Allison had simply lost count of the number of charges she had to write up here; Suepowers pretty much summed it up - and was sound asleep, or pretending to be, when they returned. Allison recomposed herself and read on.
“Kinch, contact the underground and see if anyone was in the area tonight and find out why the SS were waiting on us.”
“Colonel, no underground in the area last night. And they don’t know why the SS was there. The contact at SS headquarters said he didn’t know of an SS activity in that area. You don’t suppose they happened to be in the right place at the right time?”
Was Kinch psychic? He knew all that without even contacting the Underground? Allison pulled her Who's Who in Hogan's Heroes from her other breast pocket. It had not survived the pouring rain and subsequent drying of the uniform; all the pages were stuck together. Allison stuffed the booklet back in her pocket.
The day after the mission Hogan didn't mind the Sue sitting with them while they were discussing the mission. Allison shook her head. Hogan, the enemies of your enemies are not your friends. Learn it now or live to regret it for 81,000 words.
Still shaking her head over so little paranoia in someone that worked for an illegal Underground and could get a lot of people killed if found out, Allison got up and walked to the fence to stare at Hochstetter for awhile while he was making a fool of himself making rude hand gestures to the Sue. What was with this man? What was his plan? Why had he brought the Sue here? And why was all that he wanted to do now was take her away from here again? Maybe she should go to Gestapo Headquarters some time and ask him some questions.
'Stop trying to rationalize everything that happens in a fic. If character's behavior doesn't make sense you write the Sue up for that. You don't go pay the character a visit and ask them to explain themselves.'
'I'm not listening to you anymore.'
'C'mon, Allison, you're smarter than that. I always thought you were just doing the rationalizing thing to get "my knickers in a twist" as you so eloquently put it.'
Allison couldn't help but smile. 'That's true.'
'Then leave that man alone. His character is suffering enough without you starting to probe him for information. Just write up the Sue. And get out of the way now. Sue's coming to talk to Hochstetter.'
Allison chuckled. Tasmin appeared not only to be a voice inside her head, but also a couple of eyes in the back of it. She did her best of looking like she belonged and had no interest in the Sue. The Sue also had no interest in her; she walked past her without taking notice. She had a bigger fish to fry.
"Now you listen good you Nazi nozzle. Do what you want to me. I am not going to make it easy for you. You will have the fight of your life on your hands. If you want me, I give you one shot. Winner takes all deal. Just you and me. No weapons and no guards. If I win you leave this camp alone. If you win, I will let you do what ever you want to me.”
Allison scratched her head. Did she just suggest hand to hand combat to Hochstetter? Hogan, who only stood a few feet away from Allison, got an uncharacteristically dumb look on his face.
Hogan could not believe the conversation he just heard. Has Maria lost her mind provoking Hochstetter like that?
“Close your mouth Colonel. You’re going to catch flies.” Maria said as she turned to walk away.
Sue! Allison almost yelled out. It had been pretty much okay for the time the Sue had been unconscious, but now that she was back on her feet, things started to rapidly spiral out of control. And it was having a serious effect on Hogan. How much of an effect Allison could not tell without her Character Analysis Device, but Hogan started to get a rather goofy walk. A walk more befitting a clown in the circus than a US Army Air Force Colonel.
Back at the barracks the Sue explained her behavior.
“They also say if it doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger.”
Allison had heard that one before. Her brother used it as an explanation for his minimalistic approach to doing dishes. Thinking of dishes made Allison think of food, and of the fact she was getting hungry again. She scanned the Words to find out when and where there might be a chance of getting some grub. Later the next day, after Klink had organized for the Sue to become a prisoner of the Luftwaffe rather than the Gestapo. Well, Germans had always been good at organizing things. In this case amazingly good at organizing things. So good it was worth to take a note of, on the charge sheet. The Heroes were also good at organizing things; they decided to throw the Sue a 'congratulations you're a PoW' party. Allison took a portal to see if there was a chance of getting her hands on a few bites to eat there.
-oOo-
While inside the party for the Sue was going on, Allison sat outside the rec hall munching away. She could hear them talk through the door that stood slightly ajar. The Sue was explaining some of her background.
I wonder how much I should tell them? They would never believe that I am from the future. Well here goes nothing. “About four years ago, my daughter Misty went on a trip to Europe for class. I lost contact with her. The last place that I knew where she was, was Germany. My husband and I came to Germany to look for her. Unfortunately, the war started and traveling was difficult. We had to give up the search. She would be sixteen now.”
Allison did some quick maths. The girl would have been twelve when she disappeared. Hogan and his men did their sabotage work between Spring 1942 and early 1945. That meant that the kid had gone to Germany after the Anschluss. Who in their right mind would send a kid on a class project to a country that had displayed such aggression to another country? Maybe it was easy talk from a twenty-first century vantage point, but, Allison reminded herself, it was also the time that USA citizens generally weren't very keen on anything that had to do with Europe. It was pretty hard for her to imagine there would even have been a school that thought it necessary to go to Europe considering the costs and the time it took to get there. She didn't remember exactly how many days it took to cross the Atlantic by boat. The Sue should know, though. Allison heard her claim she traveled around Europe with her adopted parents. Which implied that she had traveled across the Atlantic at least twice. Once for getting from Europe to America, and once for getting back. The daughter had at least come from America - or perhaps Africa or Asia - because Europeans don't say they went on a trip to Europe. Even Brits don't say that.
There was a coughing sound in her head. She tried to ignore it first, but the cough was persistent, and Allison knew of no way to offer it a life saver.
'Something on your mind?'
'The Sue would not know how long it would take to cross the Atlantic in 1938 because she's from the future.'
'Right.'
'And you should write her up for the fact that none of the Heroes poked any holes in her story.'
'Why? They don't know she's from the future.' That left the disembodied voice speechless; gobsmacked if it were possible. 'Relax, I've already written her up for five counts of turning off professional paranoia.'
Allison licked her plate clean. Le Beau really was a good cook. She was getting fed up with this fic, but for some more of Le Beau's cooking she would gladly stay. She wondered if PPC agents were allowed to go into good fics to steal food. Probably not, she decided. She shivered. She had the eerie feeling Tasmin was staring her down.
Allison returned the plate to the kitchen. Then she took the remote activator from her pocket to activate a portal to the next chapter.
-oOo-
Klink had called the Sue into his office. Hogan and his men gathered around to coffeepot to listen in. Allison stood idly by Barracks Two seemingly minding her own business. Which in fact she was, as it was her business to listen in on the conversation the Heroes were listening in on.
“Have a seat please. When the doctor treated you some time ago, she took a blood sample. She wanted to make sure that you didn’t have an infection or any other problems. However one of the test results came back positive. There is no other way to tell you this, but to come strait out and say it. Maria, your pregnant.”
Why Klink had to travel any length of sea to say that wasn't entirely clear to Allison.
“WHAT?” Exclaimed the men listening in, in unison.
And neither was the sudden switch to another location. She was glad the Fic Location Follower did function in this instance, 'cause in the next line it was straight back to Klink's office.
Tears came to her eyes “This cant be happening. Not again.” Maria put her head in her hands and started crying. “Now what I am going to do. It was hard enough being a single parent when I wasn’t a POW, but now?”
What? Allison thought. Her first thought is 'I can't be a single parent'? What about: What! I'm carrying Nazi spawn? Or: I was tortured within an inch of my life and I did not miscarry? Those were the thoughts Allison would be having. Single parenthood would not even make it into her top ten of thoughts after such an announcement.
“There is that choice or you can have the baby here and try to raise it. But if you are caught, all three of us will be in trouble. On both of those accounts, the child will be taken from you and given to a Nazi family to raise. The third choice is you have the child and I find a nice German family to raise it?”
Maria didn’t like any of the choices, but she decided to accept the lesser of the three evils. “I’ll take door number three.”
Allison thought of a fourth option: a termination, of the Sue. She always felt that this was the kind of moment that asked for putting on dark sunglasses. In the absence of those she just put her chin up. It was about time she found an ambush for the Sue. She did a quick tally of the charge list. More than twenty charges, definitely enough.
Allison turned to look into the barracks at the men around the table. Maybe they could help her set up an ambush? They were good at creating distractions. Then her mouth fell open.
Baker came up from the tunnel and went over to Hogan. “Colonel, urgent message from London.” Baker handed Hogan the message.
Allison looked at him in awe. She had never seen Baker and Kinch in the same room together. Kinch got up without saying a word. His nostrils flared as he inhaled deeply. He straightened his back and marched out of the barracks. Carter made a that-was-close face.
The ground started to shake and Allison was knocked over. She fell against the barracks wall, which was surprisingly hard for something that looked like it was paper thin. Allison scrambled up, swearing under her breath that she had missed the time rift - or rather caught the time rift - due to all that business with Baker. She rubbed her elbow. What was going on now?
Carter and Newkirk had picked up the Underground traitor. The Sue accompanied the others to his interrogation. The traitor for a moment thought she was Underground member Neblig. He did not want to say anything else, but the Sue knew a way to make him talk.
Maria pushed on a pressure point that she new would cause pain. Buttons let out a stiffeld scream as it caught him by surprise.
“I can keep doing this all day long. Are you ready to answer the questions?” Buttons just sat silently. Maria pressed on a different pressure point. He let out another scream.
Allison wrote up another charge. Twice the traitor got poked and he spilled his beans. The Sue had been poked, in many ways probably, for three months and she never blabbed. Apparently torture was some kind of litmus test. If you could withstand the torture you were one of the good guys; if you gave in you were one of the bad guys. So simplistic, so false. It made Allison sick to her stomach and she looked around for a bucket to throw up in.
When she returned to the barracks from her bucket mission, feeling slightly lightheaded, the Sue and most of the Heroes had gone upstairs. They sat around the table discussing their next move.
“Does Neblig look like you?”
“People use to think we were twins instead of mother and daughter.”
Okay, Allison thought, I'm not that lightheaded that I'm going to believe that a twelve-year-old kid and her mom looked like twins. Either that was a very old looking kid, or a short mom that still experienced growth spurts.
The bad maths did it. Math had never been Allison's strong suit in school. One of her teachers had even said: "If you were any worse at it, it would be a crime." And this Sue was worse at it. That was a crime. The evidence had been gathered. It was time for the trial and execution. Allison scanned the Words to find a good spot where she could catch the Sue alone. She could try to nab her at the beginning of next chapter; that would have the added bonus of avoiding an entire chapter devoted to making Hogan feel uncomfortable by suggesting he had feelings for the Sue. Allison took the remote activator and opened a portal.
-oOo-
She headed straight over to the rec hall, but no one was there. Allison looked at the Words: she had portalled into the wrong chapter. She wasn't going to catch the Sue looking for a well-described dress anymore, unless she took another portal. She decided against it. She was glad she had missed the evening of flirting with Hogan and making him jealous. She just had to look for another opportunity of catching the Sue.
She took her charge list from her pocket and checked whether she had already charged the Sue with excessive attention to detail of her own clothes, while barely mentioning the clothes of others. For all the lack of description, most of the men in this camp were walking around naked. Allison quickly looked around, but didn't catch any streakers in the act.
Allison looked over the Words for another opportunity. Right now wasn't good. The Sue was in the tunnel with Hogan who showed her how to use a weapon. A Sue bearing arms was to be avoided at all costs. PPC agents weren't bullet proof. That was a Sue quality.
Hogan handed her a Walther P38. Maria took it and looked at it. “Hold the gun in your right hand, and push your right hand into you left hand like this. Put you finger on the trigger. Close your left eye. Line up the front and rear sites on your target. Now squeeze the trigger, don’t jerk it.” Maria did as ordered. After she pulled the trigger, everyone looked at the target. Bullseye! “I thought you said you have only shot a few times?” Hogan asked.
“No. I said I have shot a few times. This is a nice gun, but if you don’t mind, I would like to take this one?” Maria pulled out a bolt action Mauser 98K.
Allison rolled her eyes. More product placements. She wanted to write up the Sue for showing off.
'Whatever for?' Tasmin's voice asked. 'Attention to detail is good. We like attention to detail.'
'You will have noted that she only shows attention to detail when it comes to guns. She has not once shown attention to detail when it comes to cars. Mentioning neither the make of them or the color.'
'You're right. She is showing off. Write her up. Good call.'
Allison smiled. She liked getting compliments from Tasmin. Even if it were only imaginary compliments.
'I'm not imaginary.'
'Then get out of my head.'
In the meantime the Sue, Hogan and his men had gotten ready for their ambush. Carter's bombs didn't work. The Sue took her rifle and shot one of the tires. Mertz' car crashed, and the Heroes were able to grab him. However, Hogan wasn't happy with the way the Sue had taken initiative and confronted her in the tunnel.
“You think that just because you are a civilian that that means you don’t have to fallow orders? Your wrong.”
“No it’s not because of me being a civilian.”
“Then why?”
“I don’t have to tell you any thing.” Maria turned around to go upstairs, when Hogan grabbed her arm. Maria turned and looked Hogan in the eyes. “I’d advise you to let go…Colonel.”
Allison frowned, and they were getting on so swimmingly the other night. What had gotten into the Sue? Er, Sue-ishness, Allison answered her own question. In the world of Sue two love struck heroes must always quarrel before they can be lovers.
Hogan stormed upstairs, closely followed by the Sue.
“Colonel, what’s a matter?” LeBeau asked
“Allowing a female to be on the team and in this camp is what’s a matter. I’m going to Klink to see if I can get her transferred.”
I told you you would regret it. But would you listen to me? No, because you are canon, and can't hear a word I'm saying until the Sue points me out to you. Allison limped after Hogan and the Sue who were both able bodied and a lot quicker at the Kommandantur. Allison just made it to the window of Klink's office when Hogan and the Sue came storming in with their argument.
“Kommandant, I want to move to another camp. I don’t want to stay here any more.”
“I agree I don’t want this Nazi whore here either.”
Allison pulled her head between her shoulders and turned her back to the window. She knew characters didn't actually exploded at character rupture. Still, this was not a sight she wanted to see. She heard glass breaking behind her. Then she got knocked in the shoulder. Allison turned around. The Sue had hit Hogan through a window! This complicated matters. She should have known the Sue might have superstrength as her muscles had shown no sign of atrophy after three weeks of bed rest. And Allison did not kill Sues with a gun. She didn't carry any kind of weapon. What would happen if she got into a fight with this Sue?
Unknowingly, Klink came to her aid. To teach the two of them a lesson he shackled Hogan and the Sue together when Hogan had dusted off all the glass and returned to Klink's office. Allison had no idea what kind of lesson that was going to teach them, other than that it was a fiction cliché that two bickering parties would fall for each other if you kept them tied up together long enough.
On the short term it didn't work. The Sue and Hogan were still bickering when they crossed the camp grounds towards Barracks Two.
“Thanks a lot for getting me into this.”
“Me? You are the one that blew things out of proportion” Maria defended
Allison ran up to them and gave the Sue the Vulcan neck pinch.
"What ..." was all the Sue could manage before her legs started to give way and she lost consciousness.
"I used to fancy a Trekkie. I know a thing our two about pressure points too."
"What is this? What are you doing?" Hogan asked.
"Taking out a Sue."
"I can't let you ..."
"Not a word, not a move, or I'm going to tell people who really is Papa Bear. Now, call Newkirk."
"What?"
"Call Newkirk. You don't want to be chained to her for the rest of the day, do you?"
Hogan agreed and called Newkirk.
"What 'appened?" Newkirk asked Hogan.
"This guy somehow knocked out Maria."
Newkirk got a bit of a start when he suddenly became aware of Allison in RAF battle dress uniform standing next to Hogan. "What ...?"
"I don't know yet. But I don't mind."
Allison smiled. It was good to hear that Hogan being angry with the Sue had stuck better on him than Hogan being in love with the Sue. She was sure there would have been a lot more trouble had it been the other way around.
Newkirk had the handcuff off Hogan's wrist in a jiffy. Allison put that handcuff on the Sue's right wrist, cuffing her arms behind her back. Then she turned her over and slapped her in the face.
"Wakey, wakey."
The other Heroes gathered around, curious what was going on. The Sue opened her eyes. She moved to sit up and looked straight at Allison who was kneeling down beside her.
"What's going on?"
"Listen carefully, I shall only say this once." Allison chuckled. She couldn't let that one pass. "I'm agent Allison of Protectors of the Plot Continuum. I'm here to charge you with infringements of the Hogan's Heroes continuum." Allison pulled her charge sheet from her pocket. "It's kind of a long list. You've been a bad girl. First, I charge you with bad plot ideas. Or at least, badly executed plot ideas. You are from the future, but you never use that to your advantage. You know HH from TV, yet, you never use that to your advantage. You make up some daft plan for Hochstetter, but then only have him do things that sabotage that original plan. Hochstetter does not deliberately sabotage himself."
"No," Hogan chuckled, "that's what we do."
"Exactly. Second, I charge you with disregard for your readers. Your grammar, spelling and punctuation were all far from up to par. You had two different ways of spelling definitely. And neither definitely was correct." Allison chuckled. Tasmin would have liked that pun. Allison sighed. She missed Tasmin.
"Is that all?" The Sue broke into her thoughts.
"All? Of course not. I'm not even done ranting about your spelling yet. You created more minis than anyone can handle, would want to or cared to." Allison's gaze wondered over to the minis. There must be nearly a hundred now. She saw the Officer's cap was training the Helmets to march in formation.
"Minis?"
"Don't interrupt. You can talk later." Allison swallowed. She had a lot of spelling and grammar gripes she wanted to mention. "Then your grammar. Here's the thing about writing in past tense: you do not combine it with present perfect. You combine it with past perfect. This story should have carried as a disclaimer: 'This is a work of fiction. Therefore no responsibility is accepted for any factual errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.'"
"I guess my spell- and grammar check were conspiring against me."
"Don't blame the software. Most of your spelling errors were abuse of homophones."
"I've never abused homophobes."
"Homophones. Words that sound the same. Although, I don't know where you're from that follow and fallow sound the same. Let's see what else." Allison stood up to stretch her legs, and got a painful reminder of the gash on her knee. "That's right. Causing many, many time rifts."
"What's a time rift?"
"That's when you fast forward in time without making a section break."
"But if I did that the story would be riddled with section breaks."
"Yeah, kind of shows that your scenes were too short. You know, you don't have to show everything. A lot can be told. Though, I would have liked it if you had shown whether Kinch was psychic or not."
Kinch put two fingers to each of his temples. "I think I'm receiving an answer to that question."
Allison chuckled. She liked charging this Sue. The canons were being really good sports.
"Third, or fourth, I lost count."
"Fourth," Hogan said. He was standing beside her with a big grin on his face.
"Thanks. Fourth. Reacting unnaturally. You recovered way too quickly from having been in a coma for three weeks."
"It happens."
"No, it doesn't. Not to real people. And what also doesn't happen to real people is that they don't not buckle after three months of torture. I charge you with being tortured for three months and not buckling and telling Hochstetter everything he wanted to hear and then some. If you had been any kind of normal person you would have told him everything from who Papa Bear really is to the outcome of this war."
"What will be the outcome of this war?" Hogan asked.
"You'll find out in time," Allison replied.
"Sure. But it feels like I've already been here for five years. The notches on my bunk say it's only been eighteen months since my bomber came down."
"You keep notches?"
"Yeah. On the side that's facing the wall, so no one sees."
Allison gave him an understanding smile. "I hope you understand that I can't tell you the outcome of the war."
"Just tell me if our side won."
Allison nodded.
"Hey, can we get back to the matter at hand and talk about me?" the Sue interrupted.
"That's what's the matter with you Sues, isn't it? It's always about you, you, you, and you. If it's not directly related to you, you ain't telling. You had Hogan leave the camp one night, but you never told us what he did then."
"That's not true. I tell about things that are not related to me. I told the men went on work detail to get wood to fix the roof."
"Only because you needed them to be out of the camp for a couple of hours. You never said what they did with the wood. Has Hogan fixed the roof?"
"No, 'e 'asn't," Newkirk replied. Which got a round of laughs.
Allison glanced over the charge list. "Let's see. You had this guy behave out of character." She pointed to Hogan with her thumb. "Actually, I think you had all of them out of character when you managed to follow them unnoticed. And got back to camp before them, again unnoticed. Then you saved the day. You've saved the day twice. What are you, Supersue? I charge you with being a Mary Sue." Allison tucked the charge sheet back in her pocket. "Do you understand these charges?"
"No."
"Doesn't matter. Your punishment is death."
"Hogan, do something," the Sue pleaded.
"I am doing something. I'm watching."
Allison grabbed the Sue by her head then jerked it around. She was glad to hear the neck snap. She let go of the head and the Sue's lifeless body dropped to the ground.
"Gentlemen, I like to thank you. You've been a wonderful audience. I have to go now. Got to throw this Sue in an incinerator where she will turn to ashes. Can anyone help me lift her onto my shoulder? I stubbed my knee the other day and rather not be making too many bending movements."
Carter and Newkirk hurried forward to help. After they had draped the Sue over her shoulders Newkirk gave Allison a nod. "Flight."
Allison smiled and returned his greeting. "Corporal." Then she turned, changed her mind about walking away and opened a portal that would take her directly to the incinerators in the basement of Headquarters. She really did not want to walk a long distance with a Sue slung over her shoulder.
-oOo-
A/N: I always try to be constructive after my criticism. One of the problems of this story was that it had a lot of ideas, but didn't use them. What was Hochstetter's plan with putting a woman in a Stalag? Whether I can think of any good reason why he would do that doesn't matter as I'm not writing this story. It becomes a problem if I get the idea that the author couldn't think of a good reason either, but just needed an excuse for putting a woman in a Stalag. Always, always make sure that at least you know what your characters are doing and why. It generally shows in your writing if you haven't got a clue.
The second problem was that nothing in this story happened without having a relation (more often than not a direct relation) to the OC. That is not necessarily a bad thing, although it does make for a boring read. For instance in this story a lot of time is skipped ahead (three months from chapter two to three; three weeks with the coma; nearly a month with the restraining order) because in that time nothing interesting happened with the OC. So? This is Hogan's Heroes fandom. In that time lots of interesting things could have happened with Hogan and the Heroes. Again, it's not a problem per se, but it becomes a big problem when your OC isn't up to par to begin with.
And for those of you who feel strongly about this sort of thing: Hogan was very much okay at the end of this PPC fic.
A motto for the PPC I recently thought of (it's a paraphrase of something Freud once said): PPC agents maybe lethal, but they are not serious.
Another thing I recently learned is that the dialectical approach to cooperation leads to higher quality results than the consensus approach. Meaning: in the consensus approach I try to be helpful by being supportive and trying to avoid conflict. In the dialectical approach I put my (opposing) opinion next to that of the author and we work from there. What I tried to do here is point out what was wrong in a humorous way, and at the same time offer a few words of advice. As said, this approach leads to higher quality results (better fanfiction too, I hope). On the other hand, people who tried the dialectical approach in an experimental setting were less eager to work with each other (that way) again than were the people who worked with the consensus approach.
A/N: Protectors of the Plot Continuum was founded by Jay and Acacia. Excerpts from Hogan's Match by Misty Jezierski in italics. Speech that according to Misty took place in German is placed between « and ». This mission was chronicled by IndeMaat.
-oOo-
Agent Allison of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum was really pissed off. She kicked away at some dirt. Not only had she been sent on a punitive expedition, alone, but the disguise of a man she had chosen had turned out to be only visual. She was not a foot taller, and she also did not have a penis, making it impossible to even spend part of this mission usefully by finding out what the big deal was about having one of those. Allison walked gripping her right wrist behind her back. She gripped a little tighter. This whole mission was ridiculous. She didn't see the joke behind a World War Two prison camp for a situation comedy; then, the French never saw the joke behind 'Allo 'Allo. But what she really didn't get was what a Mary Sue would be doing in a PoW camp.
It was usually personnel in combat positions that ended up in PoW camps, though the Japanese had some nurses in their camps in the Pacific, but this was a Stalag. Which meant German run, not Japanese. And of course there had been women in combat positions in WWII. Soviet women, actually. But whatever the background of this Sue - nurse, Soviet, geographically confused - there was no way she was going to be held at a co-ed PoW camp.
That was why Allison had chosen the disguise of a man. A man in the RAF. She had always wanted to be a pilot. And she had wanted to be one now. Until it occurred to her that Stalags weren't for officers and she demoted herself to Flight Sergeant. Allison was already at Stalag 13. The Sue wasn't yet, but that could not take long anymore. Allison snorted as she looked at the words.
«On your feet now. Who are you? Where are your papers?»
The woman slowly got to her feet and looked at the two men. What in the world is going on? She thought to herself. Am I in the middle of a World War II reenactment?
Allison rolled her eyes. Of course, the Sue fell into some kind of time hole. As if there was a shortage of women in the 1940s. Allison retrieved a sheet of paper and a pencil stub from one of the breast pockets of the jacket she was wearing. With a content smile she wrote up the first charge: Sue from the future.
The two soldiers took the Sue to the Gestapo and asked for the man in charge.
“I am Major Hochstetter, you men wish to speak with me”
«Yes sir. We found this woman on the side of the road with no papers and we believe she might be an American.»
Allison was surprised the soldier thought the woman to be American. Why not British? Or even closer to home: a fraud? These questions distracted Allison a bit. It was only upon rereading that she noticed Hochstetter had opened up conversation with his fellow countrymen in English. How peculiar.
Hochstetter then proceeded to interview the Sue. He was not happy with the answer she gave of not knowing how or what. Beating it out of her didn't seem to help either. Allison pocketed the charge sheet and pencil, stuck her hands behind her back again and turned around. Time to do some recon of the camp.
The layout reminded her of Dogville. Not that there was actually a chalk outline of each building. The buildings where there, though lack of description had made them somewhat transparent. No, it was the fact that all the buildings had been neatly labeled with a nice wooden sign next to their main entrance. Her attention was drawn to Barracks Two where a small group of men was huddled around a coffeepot. She walked over and casually leaned against one of the beams that looked like it could take a little weight. She joined the men in listening in on the conversation that was going on in the Kommandant's office.
“Klink, I need to barrow Hogan for a little while. And before you start protesting, I assure you that this is some what a social trip.”
No one listening liked the sounds of that. Since when is anything that involved Colonel Hogan and Major Hochstetter been social. Colonel Klink gulped at that and tried not to show his fear as he asked, «May I enquire as to what this is all about?»
That was some listening device! Allison was impressed, it even showed what the Kommandant did not want to show. And again, she noticed on second thought that Hochstetter had been talking in English to another German. She wondered whether this was one of Hochstetter's quirks or one of the author's. Either way, she was going to charge the Sue with it. She fumbled for her sheet of paper to make a note.
And while she was at it she also made a note of the faults in grammar, spelling and punctuation.
Schultz was sent to fetch Hogan. Allison followed the two of them back to Klink's office, but got distracted by a Wehrmacht helmet running past on two little legs. She caught up with it and picked it up.
"Who might you be?"
"I'm Shultz," the helmet replied.
Allison narrowed her eyes. Each time someone misspells a canon character's name a mini is created, a miniature version of the offended character. She guessed these were the Hogan's Heroes minis then: head gear.
"Scheisse," she said.
"That would be Sheisse," the helmet corrected her.
Allison rolled her eyes and threw the helmet over her shoulder. It landed on its top and was stuck there. Like a tortoise on his back the mini could not roll over. It thrashed about with its legs and shouted. "Shilfe, shilfe."
Allison sighed. She went over to the mini and put it on its feet. "Now be a good little mini."
The helmet muttered a thank you and ran off.
"And don't stray," Allison shouted after it. She turned pale when she saw where the mini had ran off to. It had joined a little group consisting of three other Wehrmacht helmets and one Luftwaffe officer's cap. This was not good. Not good at all. She was two thirds into the first chapter, and already this many spelling mistakes in character names? She quickly scanned the words. It seemed the author did not know how to spell Schultz's name, and every time he was mentioned another mini was created. Soon the entire camp would be overrun with two legged Wehrmacht helmets. Well, she wasn't going to take care of them. She turned her back on them. This was so someone else's problem.
In the mean time Hochstetter had taken Hogan to the local Gestapo Headquarters and introduced him to the Sue. Allison thought it better to 'listen in' on this conversation from the camp and not risk being spotted by the Sue when she put her head around the door of her prison. Allison picked up on the words as Hochstetter left Hogan alone with the Sue.
Maria blinked as she looked at the American. Colonel Hogan, Major Hochstetter, Germany, World War II. This cant be. She thought. It is only a TV show, not reality. This is just a coincidence. Colonel Hogan walked over to Maria, took out a handkerchief and knelt down beside her.
And that were two more charges: knowing Hogan's Heroes from TV and that annoying point of view shift every time anyone had a thought. Had this Sue never learned that direct thoughts were interior monologue - speech inside the head - and had to be punctuated accordingly? Only third person limited - which the Sue most definitely was not doing; there was no limit to the number of heads she got into - could get away with not indicating thoughts as there was only one person around who could be having them.
Allison chewed on the inside of her cheeks as she looked over her charge list. This Sue was aiming for a very short life. Ten charges in the first thousand odd words. Well, the sooner this was over the better it would be for everyone. Allison turned her attention back to the Words, pencil ready for more charges.
Hogan and the Sue had introduced themselves. Hogan seemed impressed that she still had a sense of humor. Or as the Sue would call it a 'since of humor'.
Then Allison got knocked over by a strong wind. The wind toyed with her as if she was no more than an oak leaf in the fall. She bounced across the camp grounds. Just as she noticed she was heading straight for the barbed wire of the outer fences and put her arms protectively in front of her face, the wind died down. Allison fell flat on the ground. It took a moment for her to re-orient on her surroundings.
She scrambled to sit up. She was dizzy, her head thumped, and a dark stain was forming on the pant leg at her right knee. She pulled up the pant leg and saw she had a wound on her knee. She had packed light for this occasion - she packed light for every occasion - but right now she would be really pleased if Tasmin could pull a first aid kit from her duffel bag and put a bandage on that gash. Allison blinked. That thought had surprised her. After everything that had happened she imagined there would be nothing about Tasmin that she could be happy about. Except, perhaps, one of Tasmin's guns exploding in her own hand, killing both her and the Sue she was aiming at. Even a freak accident would not be able to keep Tasmin from killing a Sue. A smile appeared on Allison's face, quickly replaced by a grimace as she stretched her knee.
Allison turned her head to the Words to see if she could reasonably blame the Sue for her discomfort. She already was on disciplinary detail once; she didn't need another one for unreasonably blaming Sues. Although she couldn't imagine if there was anything unreasonable about blaming a Sue for anything. She noted that time had shifted an hour, without making a nice section break. Which explained the time rift. Which now reasonably could be blamed on the Sue.
Allison was glad that during her ordeal she had managed to hold onto her charge sheet and pencil. She wrote the Sue up for the time rift. She also wrote her up for having small talk with Hogan during that time. A woman from the future and a man from a PoW camp, what could they possibly have in common to have small talk about? Or was she telling him how much she liked the show? What was that about anyway? Did she think Hogan's Heroes was based on true events? Allison made a gagging sound. Why didn't Hogan question the Sue? Try to find out more about her? Like, what was an American doing in downtown Hammelburg in the middle of a war?
If she had been nearer she would have pointed her Character Analysis Device to see how far Hogan had strayed from his character. That is, if she had brought her Character Analysis Device. It was another casualty of light packing. She had ditched the CAD in favor of the Fic Location Follower. She checked whether the FLF was still set to manual and wondered whether she could sit out the remainder of the fic exactly where she was, keeping the weight off of her injury.
Enough fussing over that leg, she decided, back to the Words and charging the Sue. She quickly glanced the Words and picked up with the action as the Sue disclosed some vital information.
“Ok, I will tell you. I guess there is no reason to keep it a secret any more. I know who Papa Bear is.”
This caught the interest of both Hochstetter and Hogan, and Allison was sorry she couldn't see both their faces. As an avid Hogan's Heroes viewer the Sue would of course know who Papa Bear was; but, being a Sue, the Sue would never reveal that information to the enemy. Allison was pleased to see the Sue hadn't buckled under pressure - as this meant another charge on the list - rather she made up a story of it being her recently deceased husband. Hochstetter didn't buy this and had Hogan thrown out of the cell.
In the time it took Hogan to get back to camp Allison carefully got up and tried if she could walk. Her knee hurt when she bent it; it hurt when she stretched it; only when she didn't actually use the joint it hurt not so much. She limped around the compound and checked up on the minis. They were playing some kind of football which involved kicking one of them around. She wondered how they would get that one back to his feet, as none of them had any hands. Or maybe kicking him around was their way of getting him back to his feet. Allison turned around; if they weren't asking for her help she wasn't offering it either.
She started reading ahead and saw that there was a big time rift upcoming in what could be hours or mere minutes; the Sue hadn't given an indication of how much time was going to pass. Allison wasn't taking anymore chances with time rifts. She got the remote activator from her pocket and opened a portal.
-oOo-
Only after she emerged from the portal it occurred to Allison that she could have made a stop at the office, have someone take a look at that knee, take a couple of sick days and preferably forget all about this fic. She hadn't. Now it was her own fault she had to limp over to the barracks and catch the sound and visual of a conversation between Le Beau and Hogan.
“Colonel, I can’t help but notice that you are acting differently. Is there anything you would like to talk about?”
Yes there is LeBeau, but I cant. I can’t even admit it to myself. “Thanks for asking LeBeau, but I am ok. It just bothers me when we cant save everyone from Hochstetter’s grasp. It is just something I have to accept.” I cant believe I just lied to LeBeau. If I say it enough times, I might actually start believing that myself. By the look on LeBeau’s face, I don’t think he believes me either. I will be glad when this war is over, so I don’t have to keep secrets, or hide my true feelings.
Allison smiled and pulled the charge sheet from her pocket. 'Hogan out of character' she wrote down. If even the other characters started to notice that something was wrong with a character, than something was seriously wrong. Sure, the Sue would want her to believe the guy was acting strangely because he was in love. But Allison didn't believe in love at first sight anymore than she believed in the Easter Bunny or Tiptree United FC winning the FA Cup.
Allison also made a note of the neglect of the common comma. She put the charge sheet away. She was starting to feel peckish. As the rations available at PPC Headquarters were generally inedible Allison chose not to bring any. Oddly enough PoW camp food appealed more to her, but then, she had heard of Le Beau's cooking. As she limped past the Kommandantur in search of a kitchen she noted someone was putting up a new door sign over the old one, the latter of which had a typo in it.
She stopped to take a good look and compliment the carpenter on his fine work putting up the sign. She asked him for directions to the kitchen. He was very helpful. The kitchen, however, was not. No food. Allison turned her attention to the Words to see when there might be a proper meal expected. The next day. At least, that was implied. Allison checked whether the FLF was still set to manual and stepped through the portal.
-oOo-
After the meal, which Allison thought quite good considering, Allison took a portal three months ahead in time. She got soaked the moment she stepped through the portal. As fast as her bum leg could carry her she ran over to the porch of the Kommandantur to get some shielding from the rain. She sniffled and coughed. She hated it that fictional rain had such a real effect on her. She stood next to Klink who didn't pay attention to her, courtesy of the Someone Else's Problem field surrounding her. She sighed a sigh of relief that hadn't broken down in this torrential rain. She pulled her electronic devices from her pockets and checked if they were still in working order. The FLF had a waterproofness stamp on it; the remote portal activator was still able to activate a portal. She closed the portal and pocketed the gadgets. She would have to check later if the activated portal also lead to the intended location. Right now she had to pay attention as a new prisoner was delivered to Klink.
«Here is the file on the prisoner.» The Captain handed Klink a file that wastwo inches thick.
A two inch report? How did a civilian get a two inch report? Allison herself did not even have a two inch report. And she was put on report a lot. Then, the Flowers did have a penchant for very fine print. Allison pulled her charge sheet from her pocket. It was soaked and impossible to write on. Great. She fumbled it back into her pocket. Mental note: get a waterproof voice recorder for all future missions. That would also save her the trouble of reading out the charges. She would just have to press play. Mental note two: charge the Sue with accumulating a five hundred page file in three months. Mental note three: compliment Gestapo on writing a five hundred page file in eighty working days. That was an average of six pages a day, next to having to torture the Sue to actually have something to write about, and keeping up with their own daily routine. Mental note four: scratch mental note three; it's not important.
Klink protested to a female civilian being brought to his Luftwaffe PoW camp. To no avail. The bundle of person was left in his care. He ordered Schultz to take her inside. He went in to call Helga.
Allison looked at the words, saw there was an odd combination of time rifts and time stretches coming up, and chose not to wait and see what such a thing looked like up close. She opened up a portal on the porch.
-oOo-
When Allison stepped through the portal it had stopped raining. Which was good, as the journey through the portal had left her with a dry uniform. There were lots of puddles throughout the camp grounds. Allison looked around the camp. The minis had become quite abundant. And they obviously couldn't take care of themselves. Three of them were floating upside down in puddles. She wondered if any of the canon characters could see the minis, and what they would think of them. She turned her attention to the Words and saw she had quite some catching up to do.
Hochstetter had come in the morning and ordered that the Sue be moved to Barracks Two. To Hogan's room to be more exact. He said he had a plan that required the Sue to be at Stalag 13.
«And I do what I want with my prisoners?»
Allison was amused that Hochstetter wasn't too sure either about what he could do and could not do within this fic. She figured his plan had something to do with catching Hogan at something. She didn't know what he had in mind, but if Hochstetter thought it was going to work he was either a bad judge of character - Hogan's character - or he had not learned anything from past experiences.
'Hochstetter is a poster boy for not learning from experience,' a little voice whispered in her head.
'Don't make excuses for the Sue,' Allison replied. 'She makes Hochstetter champion a plan that will never work, if it is going to be revealed at all.'
The voice chuckled. 'I knew I'd teach you after all.'
'Tasmin? Get out of my head.' Allison shook her head violently hoping she could fling her former partner out of her head that way. She stopped as she felt a stabbing pain behind her eyes. Why was she having Tasmin in her head? Bouncing around in that time rift must have given her brain damage.
With the unconscious Sue now at Stalag 13 everyone could fuss over her and feel sorry for her. PoWs and Germans alike. Allison made a note of this. Her charge list had dried up too. The rumpledness made it harder to write on it. She was pleased the Sue had at least made sure she got hurt properly. Too bad it hadn't killed her. She just stayed in a coma for three weeks.
A work detail was getting ready to do some farm work. Allison thought about joining them. But one step with her right leg made her change her mind. It didn't matter. There probably wasn't much interesting going to happen during the work detail, other than that she might catch a glimpse of how the characters behaved when they weren't under the direct influence of the Sue.
The work detail left and a little later a black car pulled up by Barracks Two. A man Allison recognized as Hochstetter got out of the car and into the barracks. She limped over to see what he was doing back at the Stalag. She had almost reached the barracks when Klink and Schultz came running past her. Allison tried to limp faster as it seemed there was going to be some action, and she didn't want to miss a thing of it.
Klink threw open the door to barrack 2 and rushed immediately to Maria’s room and threw open that door. He was appalled at what he saw.
Major Hochstetter wason top ofMaria. Without thinking about the Russian front or any of the other kinds of trouble Hochstetter could cause him, He ran over to the bed and threw Hochstetter off of her.
That's right, Allison thought, someone should tell Hochstetter that straddling a person and shaking them violently by the shoulders is not going to wake them up from a coma. The voice in her head chuckled.
'I thought I had told you to get out of my head.'
'I like it here. It's nice and spacious.'
Allison did not reply to that. She turned her attention to the Words and saw another time rift coming up. Had this Sue never heard of section breaks? Or about 'tell, don't show' for that matter? Not everything that happened in a story had to be shown. Please, no. Stories shouldn't be action packed. They should also give room to let you catch your breath occasionally. Allison opened a portal to find a place where she could catch her breath.
-oOo-
It was evening, a day or two after Klink had Hochstetter thrown out of the barracks. Allison sat down to catch up on her reading. It was a quiet evening. The Words lit up in the sky as stars only she could see. At moments like this it wasn't so bad to be a Sue hunter. Being a PPC agent had its good points: you got to see the world. Or rather, the world of fiction. Sadly, it was the world of fiction at its worst. In a sense working for the PPC had a lot in common with being in the Royal Navy.
She leaned back and read the Words. Klink had gone to Berlin to get a restraining order for Hochstetter. During his absence of one day a Colonel by the name of Beauman had supervised. Allison wondered if minis were also created when the name of an original character was misspelled. She would have to check on the minis later. Hogan had left the camp in frustration, but it was not explained what he had done to pass the time until his return to camp.
"COLONEL HOGAN! Come in here fast!”
Allison jumped up when she heard Carter shouting. Ignoring her painful knee she ran into Barracks Two, along with everyone else, to see what was going on. It was the Sue; she had woken up. That surprised Allison: there had been no mention of medical care or even feeding of the Sue while in a coma.
She looked tired, confused and scarred.
That didn't surprised Allison as the Sue had been brought in with many cuts and wounds. Another surprise came when next Newkirk accused Schultz of scarring her. Schultz was a guter Schluker - a good sod - particularly in this fic. He wouldn't lay a hand on the Sue.
Klink, with some aid from Hogan, had everyone removed from the room for roll call, where he announced the Sue was hands off. After roll call, where Allison had found herself a place in line, everyone hurried back into the barracks. Le Beau went about to make some broth. Allison felt the floor starting to shake. Time rift. She grabbed the nearest thing to hold on to, which was Sergeant Carter.
Allison held on to him tight with both her arms across his chest. This made the transition through the time rift smoother for her. It didn't make it smoother for Carter. He started gasping for breath. Allison let go of him as soon as the shaking had stopped.
"You all right?" Newkirk asked.
"It's like I had this band around my chest that made it impossible for me to breathe," Carter said not quite having his breath back, but enough for him to talk.
"Sorry about that, mate," Allison said. Even tough she knew he couldn't hear her. At least, he shouldn't be able to hear her.
"You're not having a heart attack, are you?"
"No, I think a heart attack is different, this was just very tense. A heart attack is more ... Either way, it's gone now."
Allison turned her attention to Le Beau who had gone into the Sue's room with a cup of soup.
LeBeau held out his hand for Maria to take if she wished him to help her. Hesitantly she took LeBeau’s hand. He pulled her up and helped her scoot back. He then held the cup in his hands and took a spoon and dipped it in the cup. He put it close to her mouth. She shook her head and took the spoon from LeBeau. LeBeau smiled and handed her the cup. “I will leave you alone while you eat. If you need anything just let me know.”
Either the Sue hadn't researched what it was like to come out of a coma - and the fact that she was still alive was strong evidence of that - or she had not understood the meaning of the word gradually. Only in fiction do coma patients show such utter and complete awakening.
The floor started to shake again. Allison grabbed hold of Carter's shoulder. Again, a smooth transition through a time rift.
'And again you can't keep your hands off of canon.'
'Since when are you my moral conscience?'
'Since I discovered there was a vacancy.'
Allison tried to give Tasmin a mental glare. She took the Fic Location Finder from her pocket. It was still set to manual. Then why did she keep getting caught in time rifts. Weren't FLFs supposed to protect against that? Or had it not been waterproof after all? She turned the FLF over and stared at the waterproof mark. It looked genuine and Makes-Things would not make a mistake like that. Then her eye fell on some small print underneath the mark: FLF can't influence time rifts that don't involve a change of location.
'I could have told you that,' Tasmin's voice taunted.
"Shut up!" Allison stomped out of the barracks to open a portal. Behind her Carter asked Le Beau if he could have some of that broth too. He wasn't feeling too well.
-oOo-
Stomping through the portal had not improved the condition of her knee. While she blew on it to make it feel cooler and more comfortable, Allison resolved to not let Tasmin get to her like that anymore. They weren't partners anymore. She couldn't care less about anything Tasmin thought of her. She gently pulled the pant leg back down over her knee and looked around. She hadn't paid much attention to where she was going. How far would she have to read back to catch up?
She saw Hochstetter standing by the gate, on the outside of it. He was making faces at the Sue. Allison found that amusing. She turned her attention to the Words. Only about half a chapter to catch up.
The night after the Sue woke up the Heroes went on a sabotage mission.
That night after the men left for the mission, Maria snuck out also. She had grabbed a rifle and fallowed far behind them.
Allison checked whether she got that right. Yeah, it really was about 24 hours after the Sue came to from her coma that the Heroes went on that mission. Not only had the Sue not researched what it meant to wake up from a coma, she also had not paid any attention to what it means for your muscles that you haven't used them in over three weeks. Walking with a lot of stumbling? Yes, perhaps that was possible. Sneaking after Hogan and his men without being noticed? No, definitely not.
Allison read on, her pencil ready to write up more charges. Where there was one, there usually were more. Allison was not disappointed. Hogan and his men got caught.
There was no way of getting out of it. Hogan ordered his men to lay down their weapons and do as the Captain ordered. The Captain motioned for the men to move away from the bridge, while the other SS menstarted to remove the explosives. When they got a good distance away, the Captain motioned for them to kneel down. He went up to them and checked their dog tags. “Ah American. You have been found guilty as spies and will be executed immediately.” The Captain pulled out his Lugar and put it to Hogan’s head.
Allison rolled her eyes. The Sue mentioned the make of the gun. Tasmin would be pleased.
'She misspelled the name of the gun.'
'Guess you're not pleased by that.'
Maria knew she had to act fast. She took the riffle and aimed it at the bridge. She put the sights on one of the bundles of explosives and pulled the trigger. The blast from the bridge exploding threw the Captain and the rest of the SS to the ground.
Well, obviously the good distance away was not a very good distance away, Allison chuckled. The Heroes, who had set the explosives, seemed to be immune to the blast they caused. Allison wondered whether that was some trickery Carter had built into explosives to make sure they never blew up in his face. She wondered how he had managed it.
When Hogan heard another gunshot, he flinched as if he was the one who had been shot. The Captain fell over dead. Hogan ordered his men to move out and return home.
Allison rolled over laughing. The Sue is dead to the world one day, and the next she saves the day. How could anyone not spot that this was wrong? The Sue made it back to the barracks before any of the men - Allison had simply lost count of the number of charges she had to write up here; Suepowers pretty much summed it up - and was sound asleep, or pretending to be, when they returned. Allison recomposed herself and read on.
“Kinch, contact the underground and see if anyone was in the area tonight and find out why the SS were waiting on us.”
“Colonel, no underground in the area last night. And they don’t know why the SS was there. The contact at SS headquarters said he didn’t know of an SS activity in that area. You don’t suppose they happened to be in the right place at the right time?”
Was Kinch psychic? He knew all that without even contacting the Underground? Allison pulled her Who's Who in Hogan's Heroes from her other breast pocket. It had not survived the pouring rain and subsequent drying of the uniform; all the pages were stuck together. Allison stuffed the booklet back in her pocket.
The day after the mission Hogan didn't mind the Sue sitting with them while they were discussing the mission. Allison shook her head. Hogan, the enemies of your enemies are not your friends. Learn it now or live to regret it for 81,000 words.
Still shaking her head over so little paranoia in someone that worked for an illegal Underground and could get a lot of people killed if found out, Allison got up and walked to the fence to stare at Hochstetter for awhile while he was making a fool of himself making rude hand gestures to the Sue. What was with this man? What was his plan? Why had he brought the Sue here? And why was all that he wanted to do now was take her away from here again? Maybe she should go to Gestapo Headquarters some time and ask him some questions.
'Stop trying to rationalize everything that happens in a fic. If character's behavior doesn't make sense you write the Sue up for that. You don't go pay the character a visit and ask them to explain themselves.'
'I'm not listening to you anymore.'
'C'mon, Allison, you're smarter than that. I always thought you were just doing the rationalizing thing to get "my knickers in a twist" as you so eloquently put it.'
Allison couldn't help but smile. 'That's true.'
'Then leave that man alone. His character is suffering enough without you starting to probe him for information. Just write up the Sue. And get out of the way now. Sue's coming to talk to Hochstetter.'
Allison chuckled. Tasmin appeared not only to be a voice inside her head, but also a couple of eyes in the back of it. She did her best of looking like she belonged and had no interest in the Sue. The Sue also had no interest in her; she walked past her without taking notice. She had a bigger fish to fry.
"Now you listen good you Nazi nozzle. Do what you want to me. I am not going to make it easy for you. You will have the fight of your life on your hands. If you want me, I give you one shot. Winner takes all deal. Just you and me. No weapons and no guards. If I win you leave this camp alone. If you win, I will let you do what ever you want to me.”
Allison scratched her head. Did she just suggest hand to hand combat to Hochstetter? Hogan, who only stood a few feet away from Allison, got an uncharacteristically dumb look on his face.
Hogan could not believe the conversation he just heard. Has Maria lost her mind provoking Hochstetter like that?
“Close your mouth Colonel. You’re going to catch flies.” Maria said as she turned to walk away.
Sue! Allison almost yelled out. It had been pretty much okay for the time the Sue had been unconscious, but now that she was back on her feet, things started to rapidly spiral out of control. And it was having a serious effect on Hogan. How much of an effect Allison could not tell without her Character Analysis Device, but Hogan started to get a rather goofy walk. A walk more befitting a clown in the circus than a US Army Air Force Colonel.
Back at the barracks the Sue explained her behavior.
“They also say if it doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger.”
Allison had heard that one before. Her brother used it as an explanation for his minimalistic approach to doing dishes. Thinking of dishes made Allison think of food, and of the fact she was getting hungry again. She scanned the Words to find out when and where there might be a chance of getting some grub. Later the next day, after Klink had organized for the Sue to become a prisoner of the Luftwaffe rather than the Gestapo. Well, Germans had always been good at organizing things. In this case amazingly good at organizing things. So good it was worth to take a note of, on the charge sheet. The Heroes were also good at organizing things; they decided to throw the Sue a 'congratulations you're a PoW' party. Allison took a portal to see if there was a chance of getting her hands on a few bites to eat there.
-oOo-
While inside the party for the Sue was going on, Allison sat outside the rec hall munching away. She could hear them talk through the door that stood slightly ajar. The Sue was explaining some of her background.
I wonder how much I should tell them? They would never believe that I am from the future. Well here goes nothing. “About four years ago, my daughter Misty went on a trip to Europe for class. I lost contact with her. The last place that I knew where she was, was Germany. My husband and I came to Germany to look for her. Unfortunately, the war started and traveling was difficult. We had to give up the search. She would be sixteen now.”
Allison did some quick maths. The girl would have been twelve when she disappeared. Hogan and his men did their sabotage work between Spring 1942 and early 1945. That meant that the kid had gone to Germany after the Anschluss. Who in their right mind would send a kid on a class project to a country that had displayed such aggression to another country? Maybe it was easy talk from a twenty-first century vantage point, but, Allison reminded herself, it was also the time that USA citizens generally weren't very keen on anything that had to do with Europe. It was pretty hard for her to imagine there would even have been a school that thought it necessary to go to Europe considering the costs and the time it took to get there. She didn't remember exactly how many days it took to cross the Atlantic by boat. The Sue should know, though. Allison heard her claim she traveled around Europe with her adopted parents. Which implied that she had traveled across the Atlantic at least twice. Once for getting from Europe to America, and once for getting back. The daughter had at least come from America - or perhaps Africa or Asia - because Europeans don't say they went on a trip to Europe. Even Brits don't say that.
There was a coughing sound in her head. She tried to ignore it first, but the cough was persistent, and Allison knew of no way to offer it a life saver.
'Something on your mind?'
'The Sue would not know how long it would take to cross the Atlantic in 1938 because she's from the future.'
'Right.'
'And you should write her up for the fact that none of the Heroes poked any holes in her story.'
'Why? They don't know she's from the future.' That left the disembodied voice speechless; gobsmacked if it were possible. 'Relax, I've already written her up for five counts of turning off professional paranoia.'
Allison licked her plate clean. Le Beau really was a good cook. She was getting fed up with this fic, but for some more of Le Beau's cooking she would gladly stay. She wondered if PPC agents were allowed to go into good fics to steal food. Probably not, she decided. She shivered. She had the eerie feeling Tasmin was staring her down.
Allison returned the plate to the kitchen. Then she took the remote activator from her pocket to activate a portal to the next chapter.
-oOo-
Klink had called the Sue into his office. Hogan and his men gathered around to coffeepot to listen in. Allison stood idly by Barracks Two seemingly minding her own business. Which in fact she was, as it was her business to listen in on the conversation the Heroes were listening in on.
“Have a seat please. When the doctor treated you some time ago, she took a blood sample. She wanted to make sure that you didn’t have an infection or any other problems. However one of the test results came back positive. There is no other way to tell you this, but to come strait out and say it. Maria, your pregnant.”
Why Klink had to travel any length of sea to say that wasn't entirely clear to Allison.
“WHAT?” Exclaimed the men listening in, in unison.
And neither was the sudden switch to another location. She was glad the Fic Location Follower did function in this instance, 'cause in the next line it was straight back to Klink's office.
Tears came to her eyes “This cant be happening. Not again.” Maria put her head in her hands and started crying. “Now what I am going to do. It was hard enough being a single parent when I wasn’t a POW, but now?”
What? Allison thought. Her first thought is 'I can't be a single parent'? What about: What! I'm carrying Nazi spawn? Or: I was tortured within an inch of my life and I did not miscarry? Those were the thoughts Allison would be having. Single parenthood would not even make it into her top ten of thoughts after such an announcement.
“There is that choice or you can have the baby here and try to raise it. But if you are caught, all three of us will be in trouble. On both of those accounts, the child will be taken from you and given to a Nazi family to raise. The third choice is you have the child and I find a nice German family to raise it?”
Maria didn’t like any of the choices, but she decided to accept the lesser of the three evils. “I’ll take door number three.”
Allison thought of a fourth option: a termination, of the Sue. She always felt that this was the kind of moment that asked for putting on dark sunglasses. In the absence of those she just put her chin up. It was about time she found an ambush for the Sue. She did a quick tally of the charge list. More than twenty charges, definitely enough.
Allison turned to look into the barracks at the men around the table. Maybe they could help her set up an ambush? They were good at creating distractions. Then her mouth fell open.
Baker came up from the tunnel and went over to Hogan. “Colonel, urgent message from London.” Baker handed Hogan the message.
Allison looked at him in awe. She had never seen Baker and Kinch in the same room together. Kinch got up without saying a word. His nostrils flared as he inhaled deeply. He straightened his back and marched out of the barracks. Carter made a that-was-close face.
The ground started to shake and Allison was knocked over. She fell against the barracks wall, which was surprisingly hard for something that looked like it was paper thin. Allison scrambled up, swearing under her breath that she had missed the time rift - or rather caught the time rift - due to all that business with Baker. She rubbed her elbow. What was going on now?
Carter and Newkirk had picked up the Underground traitor. The Sue accompanied the others to his interrogation. The traitor for a moment thought she was Underground member Neblig. He did not want to say anything else, but the Sue knew a way to make him talk.
Maria pushed on a pressure point that she new would cause pain. Buttons let out a stiffeld scream as it caught him by surprise.
“I can keep doing this all day long. Are you ready to answer the questions?” Buttons just sat silently. Maria pressed on a different pressure point. He let out another scream.
Allison wrote up another charge. Twice the traitor got poked and he spilled his beans. The Sue had been poked, in many ways probably, for three months and she never blabbed. Apparently torture was some kind of litmus test. If you could withstand the torture you were one of the good guys; if you gave in you were one of the bad guys. So simplistic, so false. It made Allison sick to her stomach and she looked around for a bucket to throw up in.
When she returned to the barracks from her bucket mission, feeling slightly lightheaded, the Sue and most of the Heroes had gone upstairs. They sat around the table discussing their next move.
“Does Neblig look like you?”
“People use to think we were twins instead of mother and daughter.”
Okay, Allison thought, I'm not that lightheaded that I'm going to believe that a twelve-year-old kid and her mom looked like twins. Either that was a very old looking kid, or a short mom that still experienced growth spurts.
The bad maths did it. Math had never been Allison's strong suit in school. One of her teachers had even said: "If you were any worse at it, it would be a crime." And this Sue was worse at it. That was a crime. The evidence had been gathered. It was time for the trial and execution. Allison scanned the Words to find a good spot where she could catch the Sue alone. She could try to nab her at the beginning of next chapter; that would have the added bonus of avoiding an entire chapter devoted to making Hogan feel uncomfortable by suggesting he had feelings for the Sue. Allison took the remote activator and opened a portal.
-oOo-
She headed straight over to the rec hall, but no one was there. Allison looked at the Words: she had portalled into the wrong chapter. She wasn't going to catch the Sue looking for a well-described dress anymore, unless she took another portal. She decided against it. She was glad she had missed the evening of flirting with Hogan and making him jealous. She just had to look for another opportunity of catching the Sue.
She took her charge list from her pocket and checked whether she had already charged the Sue with excessive attention to detail of her own clothes, while barely mentioning the clothes of others. For all the lack of description, most of the men in this camp were walking around naked. Allison quickly looked around, but didn't catch any streakers in the act.
Allison looked over the Words for another opportunity. Right now wasn't good. The Sue was in the tunnel with Hogan who showed her how to use a weapon. A Sue bearing arms was to be avoided at all costs. PPC agents weren't bullet proof. That was a Sue quality.
Hogan handed her a Walther P38. Maria took it and looked at it. “Hold the gun in your right hand, and push your right hand into you left hand like this. Put you finger on the trigger. Close your left eye. Line up the front and rear sites on your target. Now squeeze the trigger, don’t jerk it.” Maria did as ordered. After she pulled the trigger, everyone looked at the target. Bullseye! “I thought you said you have only shot a few times?” Hogan asked.
“No. I said I have shot a few times. This is a nice gun, but if you don’t mind, I would like to take this one?” Maria pulled out a bolt action Mauser 98K.
Allison rolled her eyes. More product placements. She wanted to write up the Sue for showing off.
'Whatever for?' Tasmin's voice asked. 'Attention to detail is good. We like attention to detail.'
'You will have noted that she only shows attention to detail when it comes to guns. She has not once shown attention to detail when it comes to cars. Mentioning neither the make of them or the color.'
'You're right. She is showing off. Write her up. Good call.'
Allison smiled. She liked getting compliments from Tasmin. Even if it were only imaginary compliments.
'I'm not imaginary.'
'Then get out of my head.'
In the meantime the Sue, Hogan and his men had gotten ready for their ambush. Carter's bombs didn't work. The Sue took her rifle and shot one of the tires. Mertz' car crashed, and the Heroes were able to grab him. However, Hogan wasn't happy with the way the Sue had taken initiative and confronted her in the tunnel.
“You think that just because you are a civilian that that means you don’t have to fallow orders? Your wrong.”
“No it’s not because of me being a civilian.”
“Then why?”
“I don’t have to tell you any thing.” Maria turned around to go upstairs, when Hogan grabbed her arm. Maria turned and looked Hogan in the eyes. “I’d advise you to let go…Colonel.”
Allison frowned, and they were getting on so swimmingly the other night. What had gotten into the Sue? Er, Sue-ishness, Allison answered her own question. In the world of Sue two love struck heroes must always quarrel before they can be lovers.
Hogan stormed upstairs, closely followed by the Sue.
“Colonel, what’s a matter?” LeBeau asked
“Allowing a female to be on the team and in this camp is what’s a matter. I’m going to Klink to see if I can get her transferred.”
I told you you would regret it. But would you listen to me? No, because you are canon, and can't hear a word I'm saying until the Sue points me out to you. Allison limped after Hogan and the Sue who were both able bodied and a lot quicker at the Kommandantur. Allison just made it to the window of Klink's office when Hogan and the Sue came storming in with their argument.
“Kommandant, I want to move to another camp. I don’t want to stay here any more.”
“I agree I don’t want this Nazi whore here either.”
Allison pulled her head between her shoulders and turned her back to the window. She knew characters didn't actually exploded at character rupture. Still, this was not a sight she wanted to see. She heard glass breaking behind her. Then she got knocked in the shoulder. Allison turned around. The Sue had hit Hogan through a window! This complicated matters. She should have known the Sue might have superstrength as her muscles had shown no sign of atrophy after three weeks of bed rest. And Allison did not kill Sues with a gun. She didn't carry any kind of weapon. What would happen if she got into a fight with this Sue?
Unknowingly, Klink came to her aid. To teach the two of them a lesson he shackled Hogan and the Sue together when Hogan had dusted off all the glass and returned to Klink's office. Allison had no idea what kind of lesson that was going to teach them, other than that it was a fiction cliché that two bickering parties would fall for each other if you kept them tied up together long enough.
On the short term it didn't work. The Sue and Hogan were still bickering when they crossed the camp grounds towards Barracks Two.
“Thanks a lot for getting me into this.”
“Me? You are the one that blew things out of proportion” Maria defended
Allison ran up to them and gave the Sue the Vulcan neck pinch.
"What ..." was all the Sue could manage before her legs started to give way and she lost consciousness.
"I used to fancy a Trekkie. I know a thing our two about pressure points too."
"What is this? What are you doing?" Hogan asked.
"Taking out a Sue."
"I can't let you ..."
"Not a word, not a move, or I'm going to tell people who really is Papa Bear. Now, call Newkirk."
"What?"
"Call Newkirk. You don't want to be chained to her for the rest of the day, do you?"
Hogan agreed and called Newkirk.
"What 'appened?" Newkirk asked Hogan.
"This guy somehow knocked out Maria."
Newkirk got a bit of a start when he suddenly became aware of Allison in RAF battle dress uniform standing next to Hogan. "What ...?"
"I don't know yet. But I don't mind."
Allison smiled. It was good to hear that Hogan being angry with the Sue had stuck better on him than Hogan being in love with the Sue. She was sure there would have been a lot more trouble had it been the other way around.
Newkirk had the handcuff off Hogan's wrist in a jiffy. Allison put that handcuff on the Sue's right wrist, cuffing her arms behind her back. Then she turned her over and slapped her in the face.
"Wakey, wakey."
The other Heroes gathered around, curious what was going on. The Sue opened her eyes. She moved to sit up and looked straight at Allison who was kneeling down beside her.
"What's going on?"
"Listen carefully, I shall only say this once." Allison chuckled. She couldn't let that one pass. "I'm agent Allison of Protectors of the Plot Continuum. I'm here to charge you with infringements of the Hogan's Heroes continuum." Allison pulled her charge sheet from her pocket. "It's kind of a long list. You've been a bad girl. First, I charge you with bad plot ideas. Or at least, badly executed plot ideas. You are from the future, but you never use that to your advantage. You know HH from TV, yet, you never use that to your advantage. You make up some daft plan for Hochstetter, but then only have him do things that sabotage that original plan. Hochstetter does not deliberately sabotage himself."
"No," Hogan chuckled, "that's what we do."
"Exactly. Second, I charge you with disregard for your readers. Your grammar, spelling and punctuation were all far from up to par. You had two different ways of spelling definitely. And neither definitely was correct." Allison chuckled. Tasmin would have liked that pun. Allison sighed. She missed Tasmin.
"Is that all?" The Sue broke into her thoughts.
"All? Of course not. I'm not even done ranting about your spelling yet. You created more minis than anyone can handle, would want to or cared to." Allison's gaze wondered over to the minis. There must be nearly a hundred now. She saw the Officer's cap was training the Helmets to march in formation.
"Minis?"
"Don't interrupt. You can talk later." Allison swallowed. She had a lot of spelling and grammar gripes she wanted to mention. "Then your grammar. Here's the thing about writing in past tense: you do not combine it with present perfect. You combine it with past perfect. This story should have carried as a disclaimer: 'This is a work of fiction. Therefore no responsibility is accepted for any factual errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.'"
"I guess my spell- and grammar check were conspiring against me."
"Don't blame the software. Most of your spelling errors were abuse of homophones."
"I've never abused homophobes."
"Homophones. Words that sound the same. Although, I don't know where you're from that follow and fallow sound the same. Let's see what else." Allison stood up to stretch her legs, and got a painful reminder of the gash on her knee. "That's right. Causing many, many time rifts."
"What's a time rift?"
"That's when you fast forward in time without making a section break."
"But if I did that the story would be riddled with section breaks."
"Yeah, kind of shows that your scenes were too short. You know, you don't have to show everything. A lot can be told. Though, I would have liked it if you had shown whether Kinch was psychic or not."
Kinch put two fingers to each of his temples. "I think I'm receiving an answer to that question."
Allison chuckled. She liked charging this Sue. The canons were being really good sports.
"Third, or fourth, I lost count."
"Fourth," Hogan said. He was standing beside her with a big grin on his face.
"Thanks. Fourth. Reacting unnaturally. You recovered way too quickly from having been in a coma for three weeks."
"It happens."
"No, it doesn't. Not to real people. And what also doesn't happen to real people is that they don't not buckle after three months of torture. I charge you with being tortured for three months and not buckling and telling Hochstetter everything he wanted to hear and then some. If you had been any kind of normal person you would have told him everything from who Papa Bear really is to the outcome of this war."
"What will be the outcome of this war?" Hogan asked.
"You'll find out in time," Allison replied.
"Sure. But it feels like I've already been here for five years. The notches on my bunk say it's only been eighteen months since my bomber came down."
"You keep notches?"
"Yeah. On the side that's facing the wall, so no one sees."
Allison gave him an understanding smile. "I hope you understand that I can't tell you the outcome of the war."
"Just tell me if our side won."
Allison nodded.
"Hey, can we get back to the matter at hand and talk about me?" the Sue interrupted.
"That's what's the matter with you Sues, isn't it? It's always about you, you, you, and you. If it's not directly related to you, you ain't telling. You had Hogan leave the camp one night, but you never told us what he did then."
"That's not true. I tell about things that are not related to me. I told the men went on work detail to get wood to fix the roof."
"Only because you needed them to be out of the camp for a couple of hours. You never said what they did with the wood. Has Hogan fixed the roof?"
"No, 'e 'asn't," Newkirk replied. Which got a round of laughs.
Allison glanced over the charge list. "Let's see. You had this guy behave out of character." She pointed to Hogan with her thumb. "Actually, I think you had all of them out of character when you managed to follow them unnoticed. And got back to camp before them, again unnoticed. Then you saved the day. You've saved the day twice. What are you, Supersue? I charge you with being a Mary Sue." Allison tucked the charge sheet back in her pocket. "Do you understand these charges?"
"No."
"Doesn't matter. Your punishment is death."
"Hogan, do something," the Sue pleaded.
"I am doing something. I'm watching."
Allison grabbed the Sue by her head then jerked it around. She was glad to hear the neck snap. She let go of the head and the Sue's lifeless body dropped to the ground.
"Gentlemen, I like to thank you. You've been a wonderful audience. I have to go now. Got to throw this Sue in an incinerator where she will turn to ashes. Can anyone help me lift her onto my shoulder? I stubbed my knee the other day and rather not be making too many bending movements."
Carter and Newkirk hurried forward to help. After they had draped the Sue over her shoulders Newkirk gave Allison a nod. "Flight."
Allison smiled and returned his greeting. "Corporal." Then she turned, changed her mind about walking away and opened a portal that would take her directly to the incinerators in the basement of Headquarters. She really did not want to walk a long distance with a Sue slung over her shoulder.
-oOo-
A/N: I always try to be constructive after my criticism. One of the problems of this story was that it had a lot of ideas, but didn't use them. What was Hochstetter's plan with putting a woman in a Stalag? Whether I can think of any good reason why he would do that doesn't matter as I'm not writing this story. It becomes a problem if I get the idea that the author couldn't think of a good reason either, but just needed an excuse for putting a woman in a Stalag. Always, always make sure that at least you know what your characters are doing and why. It generally shows in your writing if you haven't got a clue.
The second problem was that nothing in this story happened without having a relation (more often than not a direct relation) to the OC. That is not necessarily a bad thing, although it does make for a boring read. For instance in this story a lot of time is skipped ahead (three months from chapter two to three; three weeks with the coma; nearly a month with the restraining order) because in that time nothing interesting happened with the OC. So? This is Hogan's Heroes fandom. In that time lots of interesting things could have happened with Hogan and the Heroes. Again, it's not a problem per se, but it becomes a big problem when your OC isn't up to par to begin with.
And for those of you who feel strongly about this sort of thing: Hogan was very much okay at the end of this PPC fic.
A motto for the PPC I recently thought of (it's a paraphrase of something Freud once said): PPC agents maybe lethal, but they are not serious.
Another thing I recently learned is that the dialectical approach to cooperation leads to higher quality results than the consensus approach. Meaning: in the consensus approach I try to be helpful by being supportive and trying to avoid conflict. In the dialectical approach I put my (opposing) opinion next to that of the author and we work from there. What I tried to do here is point out what was wrong in a humorous way, and at the same time offer a few words of advice. As said, this approach leads to higher quality results (better fanfiction too, I hope). On the other hand, people who tried the dialectical approach in an experimental setting were less eager to work with each other (that way) again than were the people who worked with the consensus approach.