Mission #17: Say 'Uncle'

[indemaat]

What do you call a character that is Hannibal's daughter, Decker's niece, and both Murdock's and Face's love-interest? Well, you call her the PPC to charge her for not trying hard enough. She could have been BA's penpal to boot.

A/N: Protectors of the Plot Continuum was founded by Jay and Acacia. Excerpts from Say "Uncle" by M Cleese in italics.

-oOo-

Allison was working on her report from her mission in Hogan's Heroes when an unexpected guest walked into her office. Allison blinked and reached over to poke Tasmin in the arm to check whether it really was her.

"Surprised to see me?"

"Very."

"I was just wondering how you did on disciplinary detail."

"I'm writing up the report as we speak." Allison tapped the charge sheet that was lying on the desk.

Tasmin picked it up and gave it a disgusted look. "What happened to it?"

"It rained in one chapter. It got soaked. And then it dried up."

"You need one of those plastic notepads geologists use and a grease pen." Tasmin started to read the list.

"I've missed you," Allison said, beaming a smile at Tasmin.

Tasmin looked up, a little disturbed. "Aren't you gonna ask me whether I missed you too?"

"No. I'm just going to grin at you for the next hour."

"Fine by me." Tasmin returned to reading the charge sheet. "What! You charged the Sue with knowing Hogan's Heroes from TV but not using it to her advantage? What were you trying to do? Create an even bigger Sue?

Allison jumped when Tasmin started to yell. She tried to back away from her glare.

"I was thinking." She stuttered before she regained control of her voice. Tasmin narrowed her eyes a little further. "I can think."

"Okay. Let's work with that as an hypothesis."

"What if he OC had somehow fallen into her TV and then Klink, for some reason, hires her as his cleaning lady. She recognizes the Heroes and decides to help them. Which she completely botches up of course, because they are trained professionals and she's a suburban housewife."

Tasmin continued staring Allison down. She did not relax her glare in the slightest. Allison kept quiet and waited. Tasmin put the charge sheet down.

"I guess that could work."

Allison sighed an inaudible sigh of relief. She really did not want to be put on report for botching up a punishment expedition. She quickly pulled the charge sheet out of Tasmin's direct reach.

"How are things in A-Team?" she asked.

"Same old, same old. Actually, there's a Sue I thought you might like to see."

"I doubt that."

"Uh, yeah, probably. Let me rephrase that: there's a Sue I thought you might like to kill."

"That is likely."

"Wanna come?"

"Sure, I'm about done here." Allison shut down the console and hid the charge sheet under the key board. "Let's go."

The two agents went to Tasmin's office, on the way Tasmin explained a little about what the story was about: a young actress meets Hannibal.

-oOo-

Tasmin decided to open the portal at the movie lot. Lots of people, little chance of being noticed.

"Another movie lot, another Sue that is related to Hannibal?" Allison asked.

"Very likely."

"Of all the Sues we've hunted I don't think there were two that actually were the same. I mean, considering they're cliché characters."

"Yeah, you're right. Each of them was unique. This one's again different from the previous Hannibal-relative, and I don't just mean in the sense that we will kill this one after we charge her." Tasmin glared at Allison "This one is about a decade older, twenty-three versus thirteen. And she has a better idea about what brings in the bacon: she's a waitress till her acting career takes off, and ..." Tasmin's voice trailed off.

Allison looked at her curiously. Tasmin seemed mesmerized. She didn't even blink when Allison waved her hand in front of her eyes. Allison turned to look at the words and saw what the problem was.

I rushed to my emerald green 1966 Pontiac GTO.

She rolled her eyes. "Snap out off it. It's just a car."

"Yeah, but she mentioned it," Tasmin said in a dreamy voice. Allison wanted to slap her. Tasmin quickly recomposed herself. "Right. Sue's over there, wrapped up by Hannibal."

His face reminded me of my father’s. That fact always made me happy yet sad; my dad disappeared mysteriously when I was five.

"Well, she didn't waste much time before she started dropping hints about her relation to Hannibal," Allison commented. "So what's it going to be? Hannibal is the missing dad, or a brother of that dad?"

"I doubt Hannibal would mysteriously disappear. We've been over this before: if Hannibal had had any relatives he would get in touch with them; let them know he was okay."

"Very true. BA stayed in touch with his mom. All of the Team even went to see his mom. What makes authors think that what is possible for BA isn't possible for Hannibal? You don't have to kick down a door to make a phone call."

“And you're like the daughter I almost never had,” he responded, adding quietly, “exactly like her.”

"Well, that settles it, doesn't it? She's Hannibal's daughter. And that is her first charge." Allison pulled a little notepad from her pocket -- she had learned never to leave the office without it -- and scribbled a few words down.

Hannibal and the Sue got ready for their scene. A moment later the day of shooting ended.

"Did we just have a time rift?" Allison gently touched her head to see if it was still there.

"No, this was just an incredibly short day of shooting. Time rifts only happen when a certain amount of time passes. Never when an uncertain amount of time passes. I would have thought you knew the difference by now."

"I never stop being amazed."

Face called to tell Hannibal that he wasn't picking him up. The Sue offered to give Hannibal a ride instead. While the Sue followed Hannibal's instructions to a rundown house the two agents took a portal to the same house.

-oOo-

Cautiously they looked around a corner to see what went on next. The Sue turned into the drive way. Without turning off the ignition, Tasmin noted, the Sue turned to talk to Hannibal.

“Um, Hannibal? I feel that you’re one of the few people that I can trust. Can I talk to you about my uncle?” I asked.

The two agents looked at each other. Tasmin quietly nodded and Allison scribbled down a few words.

"I've known Hannibal for a very long time -- of course I haven't worked with him as intimately as the Sue -- but I would not confide in Hannibal," Allison said. "I would sooner confide in Face. Hannibal is too much old school: when he sees a problem he wants to fix it. But when you confide in someone you just want them to listen, nod knowingly and perhaps hold your hand. Or slip an arm around your shoulder." Now Allison started to get a dreamy look in her eyes.

Tasmin rolled her eyes. "How about we try to get through this fic without you trying to get felt up by canon? Think you can do that?"

Allison shrugged and nodded. "I can still look though, can't I?"

"I guess looking is permissible."

As soon as we were in behind the giant double-doors, a very good-looking man with about medium length blondish-brown hair and sparkling cerulean eyes walked up to us.

"I think we discovered a new eye color for Face," Tasmin chuckled. "I've never even heard of cerulean."

"It's a kind of blue."

"I had gathered that much. Write her up for not knowing how to spell blue."

Hannibal and the Sue went into the house and met the rest of the Team. Allison and Tasmin hurried around the building till they found a window through which they could continue their surveillance of the Sue.

“Uh, I’m sorry, Emily,” B.A. apologized. “It’s just that no one usually comes to our, uh... meetings.”

“Well, Emily just might give us a little business,” Hannibal answered for me.

"How did Hannibal know that? Did he become psychic?" Tasmin asked.

"Lots of characters do that around Sues," Allison replied. "Looks like I was right: Sue indicates she might have a problematic uncle, and Hannibal jumps on it to fix it."

"Certainly looks that way."

Tasmin rolled her eyes as the Sue almost fainted when the A-Team introduced themselves as such. "As if she couldn't have known that from hearing their names. Doesn't she read any papers? Or the LA Courier Express more specifically."

Allison paid no attention to her partner's remark. She grumbled under her breath. It was Murdock who had caught the Sue before she hit the ground. This did not sit well with Allison.

The Sue explained that her uncle was very overprotective, to the point of being a stalker.

Tasmin shrugged. "If people looked out better for their Sues we wouldn't have to go round chasing and charging them."

"Look out for them? How about keeping them on a very short leash?" Allison replied irritated.

"It works for dogs."

"And they should have a muzzle to keep them from putting their teeth in canon."

"And one of those white cone collars, to keep them from licking themselves." Both agents chuckled at that image.

Then the Sue dropped the real bomb: her uncle's name.

“Rod. Rod Decker. Have you ever heard of him?”

"What?" both agents exclaimed. They quickly ducked as the Sue might have heard them.

"She's Decker's niece and Hannibal's daughter? Since when are Decker and Hannibal in-laws?" Allison asked.

"I guess this Sue thought that since Hannibal never mentioned anything to the contrary it could be true."

"Hannibal also never mentioned anything that alluded to this possibility, and knowing Hannibal he would have taunted Decker about being related."

"He certainly would have," Tasmin agreed.

"This does explain though why Hannibal has lost touch with his family."

Tasmin narrowed her eyes. "How does it explain that?"

"Well, Hannibal wasn't too impressed with Decker's methods in Nam. Maybe he wanted to get as far away as possible in case such ethics were genetic."

"He probably wanted to get as far away as possible because he realized that his daughter was turning into a Sue. That's why he went to Nam; it was an escape."

"Found out the hard way then that you can never escape a prophecy," Allison chuckled.

"He's crying about it right now." Tasmin lifted her head up just high enough for her to look over the windowsill.

Suddenly Hannibal grabbed me into the tightest hug I have ever felt. I looked up at his face and saw tears actually streaming down his cheeks. “What’s going on? What’s the matter?” I asked impatiently.

“You’re--you are--oh, Emily!” Hannibal was all choked up.

"We've got conformation on the Hannibal-Sue relation from Hannibal."

Allison dug up her notepad from her pocket to check she had written down that charge. She added the Hannibal-Decker relationship. She stuffed the notepad back in her pocket and got up to join Tasmin in staring through the window.

“She wasn’t sent by Decker, guys,” Hannibal said, then cleared his throat. “Emily, I want you to go home, pack a suitcase, and meet us back at this address.”

The agents turned to look at each other. They both flexed their brows. Neither had a clue what that was about.

"After eighteen years of not even bothering to pick up the phone Hannibal has decided that he wants to spend some quality time with his daughter?" Allison suggested.

"Yeah, would have been a bit more realistic if Hannibal hadn't actually known he had a daughter."

"Does it count if we didn't know he had a daughter?"

"That would explain why we never contacted her." Tasmin chuckled.

The Sue wanted to know if Hannibal would still be at the house at her return. Then she asked why she should even do it. Hannibal answered that they were going on a little trip. This seemed to be a good enough answer for the Sue; her next question was where to leave her car.

"Apparently trusting Hannibal extends without question to everyone she meets through him," Tasmin grumbled. "I'm surprised I've never read about her in the LA Courier Express."

"As an actress?"

"As a victim of whatever."

"Right. Wouldn't be as an actress: she deserts the project she's working on without second-guessing it."

"It's a movie that's probably better off not being made at all."

The Sue left with Face to get her suitcase packed. Tasmin checked whether the Fic Location Follower was set to manual. She thought it best to stay in the mansion's garden and follow what happened in the Sue's apartment from a distance.

While the Sue packed -- twelve outfits, without wondering much whether she was packing for hot or cold weather -- Face browsed her record collection.

I opened the door and went back into the living room, where Face had put "More of the Monkees" into the record player. He was looking pleased with himself and his timing--as I'd come out, the song "When Love Comes Knockin' (At Your Door)" had started up. "Accurate, eh?" he asked, grinning. He walked up to me, put my suitcase on the floor, and kissed me.

"Well, there's a sight I'm glad to have missed," Allison remarked.

"Not a Monkees fan?"

"That would have been a sound I'm glad to have missed. Nah, Monkees were all right." Allison started humming.

Tasmin rolled her eyes, endured it for a while, then slapped Allison in the back of her head to make her stop.

The Sue and Face returned to the house where the others were still waiting for them. It was time to bring her car to a garage.

"This time Murdock will be riding with you to make sure you don't take off," added Hannibal.

"Why's Hannibal so desperate to keep her with them?" Allison asked. "He doesn't usually take clients with him on missions, except when he needs the client to give directions. And I doubt the Sue is able to do that here, as she doesn't know where they are going."

"Stop trying to find the rational behind what characters do around a Sue. You'll never figure it out."

Murdock told the Sue to forget about Face because he sweet-talks a new girl every week. He paraphrased the Monkees to make his point.

I was basically in a state of shock. Murdock liked The Monkees?!

"I'm in shock too, but for an entirely different reason," Allison said.

"What intrigues me is why Sues think their likes are unique in the world. Or rather, unique to the point that they never thought they would meet another person sharing a similar like. Which in the case of The Monkees is particularly unlikely as they never would have been if only one or two people liked them."

"I'm too in shock to even try to rationalize that one."

"Good for you." Tasmin smiled.

The Team and the Sue all got in the van and drove off to Florida.

He dabbed a wet cotton ball on the back of B.A.'s neck. Suddenly, I saw the needle in Hannibal's hand. Just from the sight of it I fainted and slowly slumped down in the seat.

"What's wrong in that scene?" Tasmin asked.

"The Sue faints a lot. Drama queen."

"There's that. And she describes what she did after she fainted."

"She could know that from waking up in that position."

"You're out off shock, I take it. And no, she couldn't have as she woke up next on the plane."

"So, she assumed that she slumped back when she fainted. It seems a common thing to do when one faints."

"Just as many people fall forward and bump their heads on the floor."

"She knew that hadn't happened because she didn't have a sore spot on her head."

"I liked you better when you were in shock."

Allison grinned. "Are we staying here while they're flying to Florida?"

"No, we're going to Florida too. But our mode of transportation is less of a hassle." Tasmin opened a portal.

-oOo-

Smyrna Beach.

Allison looked around the parking lot in front of the grocery store.

"Not much room for us to hide behind here."

"When in doubt put a dumpster next to it," Tasmin said and pointed to the side of the building.

Allison eyed the dumpster carefully. "I hope the garbage unit has just been round to collect the garbage."

"What garbage?"

"The smelly garbage."

"I wouldn't put smelly garbage in a dumpster I'm hiding behind. No author in their right mind would do that."

"A writer paying attention to detail would."

"Yes, a writer. But someone obsessively paying attention to detail can hardly be said to be in their right mind."

"You give the oddest compliments."

Tasmin showed a toothy grin. Then she pointed Allison to pay attention to the words.

The plane had only just taken off so Allison saw no reason to hide behind the dumpster yet, never mind whether it was smelly or not. Face took the Sue in back to talk to her about drugging BA and feelings.

"Alright," he sighed. "Well, to start off, I love you, and I want to know how you feel about me."

"Did Face just say 'I love you' to a woman he met a couple of hours earlier?" Allison asked.

"Looks like it."

"Does this Sue realize that 'I love you' is a statement of commitment? And that Face looks for the nearest exit when any form of commitment is brought up?"

"Sues only realize as in make happen; they don't realize as in understand."

The rest of the flight passed uneventful. Face held the Sue's hands and Hannibal watched them like a hawk, which the Sue didn't understand. This got her an eye rolling from both PPC agents, which the Sue didn't see because she was in a different location.

After the plane touched down Murdock and the Sue reenacted a scene from the musical Oliver! which made the hairs in the back of Allison's neck stand up. Hannibal went behind some trees to fetch a car. That made the hairs in the back of Tasmin's neck stand up. The fact that it was a Jaguar XKE made the hairs on her arms stand up.

During the ride that followed Face and Murdock argued over who got to talk to the Sue to the point that Hannibal pulled over the car and made the Sue sit in front rather than on the back seat between Face and Murdock.

Allison turned her back to the words. She crossed her arms and tapped her foot impatiently. Tasmin smirked.

"Let's get behind the dumpster. They're almost here."

The two agents went into hiding.

Hannibal pulled the car into the empty parking lot, and all got out. Hannibal announced their presence at the store door.

"Yes, it's us. All of the A-Team are here."

Suddenly, the door flew open and my uncle rushed out and handcuffed Hannibal. Face and B.A. held their arms up. Being very confused, I twisted around to look at Murdock, but he was gone.

Murdock hid behind the same dumpster as Tasmin and Allison but seemed not to notice them. Tasmin indicated to Allison that she better not dare try to get his attention.

"You go and find a plane that will get you home, and find it fast. I don't want you hanging around with these guys anymore, you understand?" Decker demanded of me.

"Yes, Uncle Rod," I said, anger boiling up inside of me.

He got into the truck and drove B.A., Face, and Hannibal away. Soon all of the military police were gone. I stood there, alone. Tears streamed down my face. Here I was, by myself in a strange state, with no money, nothing.

Murdock got up.

"Is she serious trying to make me believe that an uncle who personally checks up on her daily is going to leave her just like that on the other side of the country?"

"I think she also wanted to show Decker is a monomaniac; he can only focus on one obsession at the same time." Tasmin felt her forehead. "Look, what you've done. Now you have me rationalizing fics!"

Allison chuckled. She looked around the dumpster to see what was happening between Murdock and the Sue. He was holding her while she cried.

I rested in Murdock's strong arms, looking up at him. He was tall! His beautiful eyes were filled with concern as he gazed down at me. I couldn't think. I couldn't speak. All I could do was kiss him, and I did. To my surprise, Murdock responded with an equal amount of depth and desire.

Allison was off like a shot. She lunged herself at the Sue and knocked her over. The Sue tried to scramble up, but got knocked back down when Allison threw herself at her. Allison punched her in the face and put her hands around the Sue's neck. She started to squeeze.

Murdock made a move to interfere, but stopped when he heard the click of a hammer being cocked. He glanced over to his right.

"Hay-a, Tasmin. Still as scary as ever?"

"Very much so."

"You're not gonna shoot me, are you?"

"Not lethally. Allison, charge the Sue before you kill her."

Allison relaxed her grip on the Sue's neck. "Emily Smith, I charge you with being both Face's and Murdock's love interest. I charge you with Face saying 'I love you' to you. I charge you with being Decker's niece. I charge you with being Hannibal's daughter."

"I'm not Hannibal's daughter," the Sue croaked.

"Then don't drop hints that you might be." Allison hit away the hand the Sue wanted to bring to her throat. "I charge you with having Hannibal pull a jaguar from his hat. White rabbits and doves are pulled from hats; jaguars aren't. I'm charging you with being a Mary Sue. Do you understand these charges?"

"Charges? Why are you charging me?"

"Because you are Hannibal's daughter, Decker's niece and Face's and Murdock's love interest. You will now be executed."

"Executed? Murdock, help me."

"Sorry, Muchacha." Murdock looked a little helplessly at Tasmin's Colt. "There's nothing I can do for you now."

Allison strangled the Sue. It gave her a great deal of satisfaction wringing this one's neck. The Sue struggled, but it was in vain. Allison checked for a pulse to make sure the Sue wasn't faking it. She got up. Tasmin uncocked the hammer and put her Colt away.

"Hay-a, Allison."

Allison turned away; she didn't really want to talk to Murdock now. Murdock skipped around her.

"You're not angry with me, are ya?"

"Why are you always kissing Face's rejects?"

"Those are the only ones I get thrown my way in these stories. Those, and Face himself. Besides, they're not really his rejects. Those girls all chose me over him."

"Still, they all kissed him first. Wouldn't you rather have a girl that can't make a comparative analysis between the two of you?"

"Like you?" Murdock gently pushed her against her shoulder.

"I can't kiss you."

"Why? Have you kissed Face before?"

"Tasmin would shoot me."

"Tasmin likes Face?" Murdock asked surprised.

"Tasmin likes to shoot me."

"Damn straight," Tasmin added.

Murdock looked at Tasmin and shivered. Then he turned back to Allison. "Could you at least ask if someone could write me a nice girl? I want her to be about this high." Murdock moved his hand up and down to indicate a height between five foot zero and six foot two. "And I'd like it if she was a blond brunette with red hair."

"Pretty much any girl will do then?" Tasmin concluded.

"Ya, as long as she's nice. And wasn't Face's girl first."

"I guess we can ask around," Tasmin replied.

Allison gave a shy grin. Tasmin opened up a portal.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to take her with you?" Murdock called after them.

"Just put her in a dumpster with the rest of the trash. There's one over there." Tasmin pointed.

Murdock's mouth fell slightly open. He wanted to argue about this, but there was no one to argue with; both agents had gone through the portal and the portal had closed.

-oOo-

Back in the office Allison threw herself immediately on the sofa. She tried to crawl away between the cushions. Tasmin put her duffel bag on the floor and looked at her partner.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't know he would still remember you. I wouldn't have asked you to come if I had known that."

-oOo-

A/N: Please, please, stop giving Murdock Face's sloppy seconds. I'm sure Face would appreciate it too if his dates stop ditching him for Murdock.

The author deleted this story shortly after I had made her aware it was still on FFnet. She apologized to me for having read it. Actually it was quite well written (except for the problems mentioned above) and I enjoyed going through it a couple more times while writing this mission. I have, however, no ideas how this story could be made to work.

In case anyone is interested in writing an A-Team love story with an uncommon hook try one of these:
A love interest for BA
A love interest for Hannibal that isn't Maggie Sullivan; how about that nice lady from Fire?
A girl that first falls for Murdock but then dumps him for Face