Mission #21: Kelly meets MacGyver
Girl gets sucked into tv / book / movie is a classic fanfiction premise. Dealing with the self-insert is a classic PPC premise.
A/N: Protectors of the Plot Continuum were founded by Jay and Acacia. Excerpts in italics from Kelly Meets MacGyver by Macpw2.
-oOo-
Allison kicked around the dry leaves. Fall was by far her favorite season, on the condition that it wasn't raining, just for one reason: dry leaves. She loved the sound of leaves crackling underneath her feet. She bent down to pick up an arm full of leaves and threw them up to let them rain down on her.
"Could you stop playing around?" Steve, her partner, asked. "We have work to do here."
"Sure." Allison walked up to him, enjoying every crack along the way. "What have we got here?"
"Self-insert."
"And let me guess: she is going to exert herself."
"You guessed it. She was watching an episode of MacGyver and was suddenly pulled into her TV."
"I have never heard of anything that ridiculous. What's wrong with using a portal to get into a fic? Like we do."
"From what I've heard people get sucked into their TVs all the time in LotR and PotC."
"I have a feeling PPC should be hiring TV-repair men rather than Sue-assassins."
"Sssh, it's starting."
Allison gave him an indignant look. "As if she can hear me from this distance."
"It's not just her I'm worried about. I've never been in a fic before that claimed MacGyver was a TV show. Perhaps all the characters can hear us now."
"That would not be good." Allison had just picked up on the fact that the episode the girl inserted herself in was Stricktly Business, meaning there was at least one hitman about. She looked around; they were in the forest a good distance away from the road, the cabins and the mine. She was now a bit sad with all the dry leaves around; this meant she probably couldn't quietly sneak up on anyone.
Steve nudged her to pay attention to the Words.
“I’m Kelly, and I saw you on TV,” she said as she gazed at the window. “Wow! This is a weird dream. It even has correct facts.”
"That's not so strange," Steve whispered. "It's impossible to have false facts, even in dreams."
"Unless you are Humpty Dumpty," Allison replied.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"To us facts are per definition true. For Humpty Dumpty words mean whatever he wants them to mean. To him the word fact could mean upholstery. If Humpty Dumpty was in that car he could have been remarking that even the upholstery was the way it should be."
"Are you liking this Self-Insert to Humpty Dumpty?"
"Well, they both have big inflated heads."
Steve chuckled. In the distance they heard the sound of a rocket being launched and making impact.
"Quick. We might be able to catch up with the Self-Insert down the hill." The PPC agents started running.
The girl and MacGyver were both thrown over the guard rail by the force of the explosion. They rolled down the hill separately.
Kelly swallowed hard, she turned around and crawled softly through the underbrush. Her head was throbbing and her whole body felt like one giant bruise. She was still crawling, but she now stopped for a rest. She looked over her shoulder at the forest. Nothing, nothing at all, she let out a sigh of relief. Had she lost Murdoc? She doubted that, but she felt it safe to stand. She slowly struggled to her wobbly legs. She walked slowly sometimes using trees for support. There was a rustle behind her and she turned around to staring into the face of Murdoc. Her breath caught in her throat.
"Blast."
The two agents each crouched down behind a tree and watched Murdoc talk to the girl.
"We can't get her if Murdoc has her," Steve summarized their most pressing problem.
"What is he doing with her anyway? Shouldn't he just be going after MacGyver?" Allison wanted to close her eyes when she saw Murdoc grabbing the girl.
"I think he's just great at improvising."
His hand momentarily dropped from her mouth and felt for a spot on her neck. He pressed hard and Kelly felt unconsciousness stealing over her. She went limp in Murdoc’s arms.
"Hmm. The girl is Humpty Dumpty and Murdoc is part Vulcan. The girl claims MacGyver is a TV show and yet she writes a crossover fic."
"And the MacGyver-Star Trek combination has been done before."
Allison and Steve followed Murdoc who dragged the unconscious girl behind him. Steve pointed out to Allison that sometimes it was good Self-Inserts made canon characters do silly things. If Murdoc had carried the girl over his shoulder in a fireman's carry he would have been a lot quicker, a lot less noisy and a lot harder to follow. Now, the two agents just had to keep out of sight in case Murdoc looked around. They did not have to make much of an effort not to be heard. Murdoc took the girl to the abandoned mine where the episode was supposed to climax.
He carried Kelly into the mine shaft and tied her to one of the support beams. He tied her hands and feet tightly and gagged her, before leaving.
After Murdoc had left and the agents had made sure he was both outside seeing and hearing range, they snuck into the mine shaft looking for the girl. It did not take them long to find her. She was propped up against one of the support beams, her hands tied together and to the beam above her head. Also her feet were tied to the beam. The agents looked at each other.
"I guess we have to untie her." Steve was the first to speak.
He took his Swiss Army Knife from his pocket and flicked it open. He started cutting at the rope around the girl's arms while Allison steadied the body so she wouldn't suddenly fall forward. After he freeed her hands Steve started cutting the ropes at her feet. The girl was leaning against Allison's shoulder. She moaned as she woke up. She started to struggle when she noticed two strangers holding her.
"Easy there." Allison lowered the girl to the ground and sat down on her chest. Steve sat down on her legs.
"Who are you? What are you doing in Stricktly Business? Are you working for Murdoc?" the girl asked when she managed to undo the gag from her mouth.
"We are Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We have come to take you home." Allison tried on a friendly smile.
"Home, why?" The girl made grimaces and her breaths were short and hasty.
"We have noticed that your presence here has had an unsavory effect on the story. For some reason MacGyver doesn't have amnesia."
"That's good, isn't it?"
"No, it isn't. MacGyver loosing his memory was the whole point to this story. It was the reason Murdoc could get so close to him. Because Mac was unwitting. Therefore we need to take you out of this story."
"Are you sure you're not working for Murdoc? You sound like him."
Steve chuckled. "Everyone gets a little long-windy sometimes."
Allison narrowed her eyes. "Unlike Murdoc, I always get my man. Girl in this case." She made a fist and hit the girl on her head.
Still suffering all the injuries she had sustained earlier the girl lost consciousness again. Allison and Steve got up, and picked up the girl. Steve opened up a portal.
-oOo-
"Kelly!" Samantha rushed from the sofa when a man with a military hair style and a sandy-blond woman, both dressed in black, out of no where stepped into her living room. They were carrying her sister as if she was a role of carpet.
"Not to worry," the man said. "We're just here to return your sister. There is nothing to worry about."
"But my sister? Is she unconscious? How did this happen?" Samantha watched the two strangers put her sister on the sofa and prop a pillow behind her head. "She's wounded? Does she need a doctor?"
"In our experience her wounds will disappear in about 43 minutes."
"Probably less," the woman added. "She was already a good ten minutes into the episode before she got hurt."
"What? Episode? You mean to say it really was Kelly I saw there on TV? I just thought I was dreaming. Suddenly Kelly was gone from the sofa and into the TV."
"Yes, we are aware of that problem. We will have to take your TV, though. Just to make sure things like this will not happen again," the man said.
"Sure, I understand." Samantha crouched down by her sister. "Is there anything I can do to make her feel better?" she asked the man and woman as they carried her TV to their door.
"Never let her watch Stricktly Business again," the woman replied.
"Deal!"
The man and woman stepped through their door and it disappeared without a trace.
-oOo-
A/N: Kelly Meets MacGyver had one major flaw: an important canon occurrence (in this case MacGyver losing his memory) was erased from canon plot. Possibly this could have worked, but because the story hadn't been updated in over a year before I wrote this mission, it was impossible to tell, and I thought it best to take Kelly back home.