My Thoughts on Your Situation
This post is meant for my new brolita-in-arms, grim_marmazet. I'm posting it on my livejournal because replies can only be so long
I'm going to give you some advice with a bit of religion mixed in it. Before you moan, roll your eyes and click away, know that I'm not trying to get you to, "join my cult." I'm just being completely open and honest with you. It's a scary thing on my behalf as well as people here may look at me differently but I feel it's best you have the best second opinion I can give before you make such a big decision.
At one point in life, I was in a similar spot as you. It's no small secret that I'm a tomgirl and I wish I had the option to openly crossdress on any given day but, due to many of the same reasons as yours, I have to hide it. I hated that. I hated with a passion and I still hate it to this day. So, one day, I finally got the courage to tell my mother, whom is a pastor, just to get it out in the open. To say she was less than thrilled would be more than an understatement. That conversation lasted 2 hours and most of the time, I had my head bowed in shame and kept saying, "yes ma'am".
Now this part is going to sound like I'm against crossdressing but just keep reading. I'm lucky in many regards as she showed a lot of sincerity that many guys in my place don't get from their mothers during such a conversation. However, she did mention things that I didn't want to agree with but I'm forced to. She stated that I would have a very hard time getting a girlfriend with this hobby. She also said that a hobby should be something that I should be able to profit from or it would just be a burden. The one thing that really got to me is how people would see her and the rest of my family. As a pastor, she would lose a lot of respect for being able to "keep her own son from sin," even though it should be obvious to everyone that I am an individual whom thinks for himself, not one that blindly follows the commands of even my own parents. And yet it wouldn't be the first time people blindly ignored logic.
Now here's where it gets all "spiritual and stuff" but I have to tell you this too because it explains my way of thinking. She told me that demons can sink there claws into a person and change their personality. I'm pretty sure the notion makes a lot of you laugh but, if I'm to believe in one aspect of Christianity, I have to believe in it all. It's a packaged deal after all. If there's a God then there has to be a devil. If there are angels then there are demons as well. So I believed and that caused some serious problems.
For the next few weeks or so, I had a reoccurring nightmare of a demon sticking their nails into my left shoulder and trying to change my personality. Add to this my vivid imagination (American McGee would be green with envy and Stephen King would have me on speeddial) and you can see why I spend many nights tossing and turning in bed, even when I was awake. I was lucky if I got 3 hours of sleep in three days and when I did, they were not consecutive.
Yeah, thanks for the "pep-talk" mom...
Even worse than this was what it was doing to me during the day. Not only did I redefine the word, "exhausted," I doubted and questioned every... single... thought... that passed through my mind. Talk about not knowing if you're coming or going! I'm surprised I could even walk straight!
All that when on and on and on, perpetually getting worse and worse until one night I told myself, "This is STUPID! I don't even need to pray for guidance about this! I KNOW who I am and I REFUSE to believe that ANYTHING can change me without MY consent!"
I don't think it's a coincidence that I never had that nightmare again.
There's also another matter about my thoughts that happened around that time too. In fact, I was thinking along the same lines as your post. To put it in a nutshell, I thought, "the only way I can be myself is when I wear a dress." That thought was immediately followed by one that came out of nowhere. "But if you have to wear a dress to be yourself then you weren't being yourself in the first place, were you?"
People expect God to speak to them in King James English for some strange reason. I can tell you from personal experience that not only can God speak modern English, He can make great jokes about the difference! You could pray for a job and He'd holla back at you with, "Verily I say unto thee, unemployment is open Monday through Friday, 9 to 6. You might want to check that out cause, you know, thus sayeth the Lord."
Another thing I've learned is that you really can't argue with the Big Dude Upstairs. Well, technically you can but eventually you realize that He's right. I certainly couldn't question the profound tidbit that was dropped on me. The reason I wasn't happy is because "I" wasn't being myself and there's really nothing stopping me from doing so except my own fears. in addition, no matter how much I like dresses, no stitch, ruffle, lace, platform heel, pair of pantyhose, brand of makeup or wig can change who I am. They can only change what I look like on the outside and the perception others have of me. Now that I think back on it, I can see why He chose that moment to speak to me. He was using my own words against me. "I KNOW who I am and I REFUSE to believe that ANYTHING can change me without MY consent!"
Very sneaky, old man! Much props!
Getting on with the story, I accepted that simple truth. Then I told Him something that even shocked me. "Okay, but I still want to wear dresses."
I didn't know God could laugh. I mean, it should be child's play for an omnipotent, omnipresent being that's noted for spitting out the universe in 6 days, and resting on the 7th just because He felt like it, but you just don't expect it to happen. It startled me because it caught me offguard. It wasn't some deep, divine cackle that cracked the very heavens. It was a quick, cozy, casual chuckle you'd expect from a guy you're shaving a beer with while you shoot the breeze.
After that He told me, "I'll give you your time." No deals. No specific time limit. No lecture. No hassle. Not even a hint of hostility. It was like a father telling his son that he'll back off while the younger male learned life's lessons the hard way.
And I am learning life's lessons the hard way. I wanted my mom to be wrong SO BAD but I've seen first-hand many of the things she mentioned. I had one girl that was trying as hard to get in my pants as she was my wallet. I tell her I crossdress and she stops talking to me all together. I have an ex-girlfriend whom swears up and down that she loves me and she's bi. As she sees herself as a tomboy, you'd think we'd be perfect for each other but she can't stand me crossdressing because she sees it as a threat to her femininity or something like that. Never really got a straight answer. What really sucks about her case is she was so impressed with another guy crossdressing that she merrily pointed it out to me. Yeah, that doesn't hurt... Not at all...
I have to halfway agree with my mom's point on profitability too as crossdressing is ridiculously expensive. I'm presently watching my bankaccount bottom out as I'm aggressively paying off a college loan this year while funding two vacations, sponsoring a child, giving money to family members in need and trying to be an avid gamer during a year where companies are cranking out console crack like it's going out of style! Had I never bought a single feminine garment, I could easily laugh off life's pitiful attempt to challenge my mad budgeting skills.
Now I could very easily make money off my frilly frocks. It wouldn't take much to slip into something sexy and wiggle out of it on a webcam for old fartknockers whom have too much time and money on their hands. I have my integrity though. I'd rather drain my account dry than wax my flagpole for grandpa moneybags and his fresh bottle of Viagra.
I don't even want to get into how many times I've had to explain to the same people over and over and over and over and over and over again that crossdressing does NOT make me gay and I only do it because I want to be cute. It's like trying to explain the color blue to the blind! They just don't get it!
Speaking of homosexuality, that's another aspect my mother was right about. I can see it creeping up on me because I'm so lonely and I'm a freak. I see the alternative lifestyle as wrong, not so much because of religious beliefs but because it's not possible for two men or two women to reproduce naturally. You can argue counter to my point all you want but there are creatures that can do this. Some can even change sex when the population of their opposing sex runs low. Humans can't so I feel we weren't meant to.
That being said, it doesn't mean I'm going to come after you with a torch and pitchfork. I also believe in letting people live the way they want as long as they don't hurt themselves or anyone else. You can argue that being homosexual isn't a choice and, for all I know, you may be right. I was only born me so I can only speak for my behalf. However, I believe that humans have the power to overcome anything and everything. My case in point, while I don't believe I was born a tomgirl, I have chosen to live as one instead of fighting it. Had I chosen to be like any other guy, I could fight the urges until I no longer have them. It could take days or decades but I believe it is possible as long as I want it bad enough. Acceptance of one's way of life is a conscious decision, not an inevitable conclusion. To believe otherwise is to diminish your own capabilities.
But I digress...
I see the urge for my "gate" to "swing the other way" because no woman seems to want to be with me as I am; not even the bisexuals and lesbians I often hang out with. I would have thought otherwise because I'm more feminine than most of them. I don't say that as a boast. Honestly, I find it freaky and disturbing, but that's beside the point.
Women don't want me but there are guys that do. I am often, very often, hit on by those of my own persuasion. Sometimes I respond in kind. It's not that I'm looking to hook up with any of these guys. I just like flirting. I also like being told that I'm pretty and I'm glad that at least SOMEONE wants to get their hands on my cock!
Yeah, my luck with women is THAT bad...
But I'm not fooling myself. By entertaining the advances of these guys, gurls, grrls or whatever mis-amalgamated pronouns they prefer to refer to themselves by... Even though I state that I'm, heh, "straight laced," I know I'm asking for trouble by messing with them. I am, in effect, riverdancing on that "gate". If I do it long enough, I'm eventually going to fall on the wrong side of it. Or maybe I'll break it and open myself up to anything and everything that fancies me. Or I could get dragged off of it kicking and screaming... Point is, I need to stop.
And even if by some miracle of God, (THAT RIGHT, OLD MAN! I'M WAITING!) I get a girlfriend, get married and have kids, I'll eventually have to deal with mini-"me" getting picked on, abused and misused because dad likes to wear panties. I know what it's like to be bullied. I cannot and WILL NOT allow any child of mine to go through that if it can be avoided. That's why I've already decided that, should I be in the position of heading my own family, I'll stop crossdressing. Maybe every now and then I'll give it a go if the misses wants a freaky Friday night or I can still show off my Tina Turner legs during PAX weekend. However, it would be best for junior if all my outfits are thoughtfully stored away and tales of my wilder days are used to embarrass him in front of his future girlfriends. Yes, I have to do that! It's a family tradition!
I said all that to say this. Ask yourself if being a woman would really change you or if you're just using the idea of it as an excuse to hold yourself back. Ask yourself what it is about you that you don't like and why is it that you don't. Ask yourself if it's you that you want to change or other peoples' perception of you. Ask yourself if you can handle going down that road and finding out that you were wrong because it's not something that can easily be reversed. Ask yourself if the grass is really greener on the other side or if it's just your perspective. When you're through with all those questions, look at what you have to lose and ask yourself again if it's worth it.
I'm not necessarily saying this to stop you but, as a rainy-day friend, I have to do my best to be sure you're making an informed decision. If you can take a good, hard look at your life and decide you still want this than I'll move out of your way and wish you the best of luck. I'll even do my best to be a shoulder to cry on when you'll inevitably will need it. However, if you can't walk that path on firm, emotional footing then, as a friend, I have to stop you. I have to make sure you stay still until you know what it is that you want to do.
I'm going to give you some advice with a bit of religion mixed in it. Before you moan, roll your eyes and click away, know that I'm not trying to get you to, "join my cult." I'm just being completely open and honest with you. It's a scary thing on my behalf as well as people here may look at me differently but I feel it's best you have the best second opinion I can give before you make such a big decision.
At one point in life, I was in a similar spot as you. It's no small secret that I'm a tomgirl and I wish I had the option to openly crossdress on any given day but, due to many of the same reasons as yours, I have to hide it. I hated that. I hated with a passion and I still hate it to this day. So, one day, I finally got the courage to tell my mother, whom is a pastor, just to get it out in the open. To say she was less than thrilled would be more than an understatement. That conversation lasted 2 hours and most of the time, I had my head bowed in shame and kept saying, "yes ma'am".
Now this part is going to sound like I'm against crossdressing but just keep reading. I'm lucky in many regards as she showed a lot of sincerity that many guys in my place don't get from their mothers during such a conversation. However, she did mention things that I didn't want to agree with but I'm forced to. She stated that I would have a very hard time getting a girlfriend with this hobby. She also said that a hobby should be something that I should be able to profit from or it would just be a burden. The one thing that really got to me is how people would see her and the rest of my family. As a pastor, she would lose a lot of respect for being able to "keep her own son from sin," even though it should be obvious to everyone that I am an individual whom thinks for himself, not one that blindly follows the commands of even my own parents. And yet it wouldn't be the first time people blindly ignored logic.
Now here's where it gets all "spiritual and stuff" but I have to tell you this too because it explains my way of thinking. She told me that demons can sink there claws into a person and change their personality. I'm pretty sure the notion makes a lot of you laugh but, if I'm to believe in one aspect of Christianity, I have to believe in it all. It's a packaged deal after all. If there's a God then there has to be a devil. If there are angels then there are demons as well. So I believed and that caused some serious problems.
For the next few weeks or so, I had a reoccurring nightmare of a demon sticking their nails into my left shoulder and trying to change my personality. Add to this my vivid imagination (American McGee would be green with envy and Stephen King would have me on speeddial) and you can see why I spend many nights tossing and turning in bed, even when I was awake. I was lucky if I got 3 hours of sleep in three days and when I did, they were not consecutive.
Yeah, thanks for the "pep-talk" mom...
Even worse than this was what it was doing to me during the day. Not only did I redefine the word, "exhausted," I doubted and questioned every... single... thought... that passed through my mind. Talk about not knowing if you're coming or going! I'm surprised I could even walk straight!
All that when on and on and on, perpetually getting worse and worse until one night I told myself, "This is STUPID! I don't even need to pray for guidance about this! I KNOW who I am and I REFUSE to believe that ANYTHING can change me without MY consent!"
I don't think it's a coincidence that I never had that nightmare again.
There's also another matter about my thoughts that happened around that time too. In fact, I was thinking along the same lines as your post. To put it in a nutshell, I thought, "the only way I can be myself is when I wear a dress." That thought was immediately followed by one that came out of nowhere. "But if you have to wear a dress to be yourself then you weren't being yourself in the first place, were you?"
People expect God to speak to them in King James English for some strange reason. I can tell you from personal experience that not only can God speak modern English, He can make great jokes about the difference! You could pray for a job and He'd holla back at you with, "Verily I say unto thee, unemployment is open Monday through Friday, 9 to 6. You might want to check that out cause, you know, thus sayeth the Lord."
Another thing I've learned is that you really can't argue with the Big Dude Upstairs. Well, technically you can but eventually you realize that He's right. I certainly couldn't question the profound tidbit that was dropped on me. The reason I wasn't happy is because "I" wasn't being myself and there's really nothing stopping me from doing so except my own fears. in addition, no matter how much I like dresses, no stitch, ruffle, lace, platform heel, pair of pantyhose, brand of makeup or wig can change who I am. They can only change what I look like on the outside and the perception others have of me. Now that I think back on it, I can see why He chose that moment to speak to me. He was using my own words against me. "I KNOW who I am and I REFUSE to believe that ANYTHING can change me without MY consent!"
Very sneaky, old man! Much props!
Getting on with the story, I accepted that simple truth. Then I told Him something that even shocked me. "Okay, but I still want to wear dresses."
I didn't know God could laugh. I mean, it should be child's play for an omnipotent, omnipresent being that's noted for spitting out the universe in 6 days, and resting on the 7th just because He felt like it, but you just don't expect it to happen. It startled me because it caught me offguard. It wasn't some deep, divine cackle that cracked the very heavens. It was a quick, cozy, casual chuckle you'd expect from a guy you're shaving a beer with while you shoot the breeze.
After that He told me, "I'll give you your time." No deals. No specific time limit. No lecture. No hassle. Not even a hint of hostility. It was like a father telling his son that he'll back off while the younger male learned life's lessons the hard way.
And I am learning life's lessons the hard way. I wanted my mom to be wrong SO BAD but I've seen first-hand many of the things she mentioned. I had one girl that was trying as hard to get in my pants as she was my wallet. I tell her I crossdress and she stops talking to me all together. I have an ex-girlfriend whom swears up and down that she loves me and she's bi. As she sees herself as a tomboy, you'd think we'd be perfect for each other but she can't stand me crossdressing because she sees it as a threat to her femininity or something like that. Never really got a straight answer. What really sucks about her case is she was so impressed with another guy crossdressing that she merrily pointed it out to me. Yeah, that doesn't hurt... Not at all...
I have to halfway agree with my mom's point on profitability too as crossdressing is ridiculously expensive. I'm presently watching my bankaccount bottom out as I'm aggressively paying off a college loan this year while funding two vacations, sponsoring a child, giving money to family members in need and trying to be an avid gamer during a year where companies are cranking out console crack like it's going out of style! Had I never bought a single feminine garment, I could easily laugh off life's pitiful attempt to challenge my mad budgeting skills.
Now I could very easily make money off my frilly frocks. It wouldn't take much to slip into something sexy and wiggle out of it on a webcam for old fartknockers whom have too much time and money on their hands. I have my integrity though. I'd rather drain my account dry than wax my flagpole for grandpa moneybags and his fresh bottle of Viagra.
I don't even want to get into how many times I've had to explain to the same people over and over and over and over and over and over again that crossdressing does NOT make me gay and I only do it because I want to be cute. It's like trying to explain the color blue to the blind! They just don't get it!
Speaking of homosexuality, that's another aspect my mother was right about. I can see it creeping up on me because I'm so lonely and I'm a freak. I see the alternative lifestyle as wrong, not so much because of religious beliefs but because it's not possible for two men or two women to reproduce naturally. You can argue counter to my point all you want but there are creatures that can do this. Some can even change sex when the population of their opposing sex runs low. Humans can't so I feel we weren't meant to.
That being said, it doesn't mean I'm going to come after you with a torch and pitchfork. I also believe in letting people live the way they want as long as they don't hurt themselves or anyone else. You can argue that being homosexual isn't a choice and, for all I know, you may be right. I was only born me so I can only speak for my behalf. However, I believe that humans have the power to overcome anything and everything. My case in point, while I don't believe I was born a tomgirl, I have chosen to live as one instead of fighting it. Had I chosen to be like any other guy, I could fight the urges until I no longer have them. It could take days or decades but I believe it is possible as long as I want it bad enough. Acceptance of one's way of life is a conscious decision, not an inevitable conclusion. To believe otherwise is to diminish your own capabilities.
But I digress...
I see the urge for my "gate" to "swing the other way" because no woman seems to want to be with me as I am; not even the bisexuals and lesbians I often hang out with. I would have thought otherwise because I'm more feminine than most of them. I don't say that as a boast. Honestly, I find it freaky and disturbing, but that's beside the point.
Women don't want me but there are guys that do. I am often, very often, hit on by those of my own persuasion. Sometimes I respond in kind. It's not that I'm looking to hook up with any of these guys. I just like flirting. I also like being told that I'm pretty and I'm glad that at least SOMEONE wants to get their hands on my cock!
Yeah, my luck with women is THAT bad...
But I'm not fooling myself. By entertaining the advances of these guys, gurls, grrls or whatever mis-amalgamated pronouns they prefer to refer to themselves by... Even though I state that I'm, heh, "straight laced," I know I'm asking for trouble by messing with them. I am, in effect, riverdancing on that "gate". If I do it long enough, I'm eventually going to fall on the wrong side of it. Or maybe I'll break it and open myself up to anything and everything that fancies me. Or I could get dragged off of it kicking and screaming... Point is, I need to stop.
And even if by some miracle of God, (THAT RIGHT, OLD MAN! I'M WAITING!) I get a girlfriend, get married and have kids, I'll eventually have to deal with mini-"me" getting picked on, abused and misused because dad likes to wear panties. I know what it's like to be bullied. I cannot and WILL NOT allow any child of mine to go through that if it can be avoided. That's why I've already decided that, should I be in the position of heading my own family, I'll stop crossdressing. Maybe every now and then I'll give it a go if the misses wants a freaky Friday night or I can still show off my Tina Turner legs during PAX weekend. However, it would be best for junior if all my outfits are thoughtfully stored away and tales of my wilder days are used to embarrass him in front of his future girlfriends. Yes, I have to do that! It's a family tradition!
I said all that to say this. Ask yourself if being a woman would really change you or if you're just using the idea of it as an excuse to hold yourself back. Ask yourself what it is about you that you don't like and why is it that you don't. Ask yourself if it's you that you want to change or other peoples' perception of you. Ask yourself if you can handle going down that road and finding out that you were wrong because it's not something that can easily be reversed. Ask yourself if the grass is really greener on the other side or if it's just your perspective. When you're through with all those questions, look at what you have to lose and ask yourself again if it's worth it.
I'm not necessarily saying this to stop you but, as a rainy-day friend, I have to do my best to be sure you're making an informed decision. If you can take a good, hard look at your life and decide you still want this than I'll move out of your way and wish you the best of luck. I'll even do my best to be a shoulder to cry on when you'll inevitably will need it. However, if you can't walk that path on firm, emotional footing then, as a friend, I have to stop you. I have to make sure you stay still until you know what it is that you want to do.