fic: i want this (katniss/joanna) 1/2
Title: I want this
Fandom: hunger games
Pairing: Katniss/Joanna
Rating: PG
Summary: What happens when you want something, but having it cannot work?
I want this.
She whispers. Barely heard. As it is barely spoken. But it pounds. Within your ears. Through your blood. Making your stomach clench. Heart skip.
Throat constricting. What is this? Fear. You are not used to it. Wait. No. That is wrong. A lie. You have become so accustomed to it. Fear is the blanket you wrap yourself in. Truth. You promised her. And here it is. In her words. Your palpable response. And it says something. You are not used to this. These feelings being enjoyable. This fear you appear to like.
It is not the abject terror. The fight or flight. The do or die. But fear of something else. Falling. Taking the leap. Possibilities. Something that could be better. Something you are not sure you deserve. That you might be too broken for. Look into her eyes. See she is just as broken as you. Perhaps you are both beyond repair. Maybe that is the point. The secret.
And you are famous for your courage. Your survivor mentality. Do not let it fail you now. She is leaning in. Sensing your hesitation. Seeing it for what it is. Uncertainty. In yourself. In your right to this. To her. And she ignores it. Like she has ignored so many other boundaries you set up. Not out of spite. But in spite. Of them. Of you. To show you. You can trust to let her in.
You are overthinking.
Lean in. It can be that simple. Command. Your body knows what to do. Natural response. Reach out. Touch. Take. Taste.
Lips press. Softly. Softly.
She tastes like winter. Clean. Refreshing. Undertones of spring. Or perhaps that is the wine on your tongues.
The kiss deepens. Strengthens. Taking on new shapes and sounds all its own. And your brain is quietening at her touch. Last thought permeates. This is right.
Peeta’s kisses were soft. Comfortable. Familiar. Tainted. With you.
Gale’s kisses were hurried. Hard. Rough. Tainted. By you.
But this. It is somehow pure. Despite you. Despite her. This is real This is truth.
Amber eyes flutter open before you. Burning with the flame more brilliant than that they say you have sparked. And they ignite a fire within your own soul. A passion. Desire. You gave never known before.
Realise you are staring.
Lean in. Stop thinking. Be in the moment. Feel. These things you have so long hidden. Forbidden yourself. Not acknowledged. For fear they would engulf you.
You do not know who you are. What you may become. What may come of anything. The world you knew. In constant, violent flux. But find you have come to realise. Are realising. Will realise. With the woman before you. That anything is possible.
***
You betrayed me.
The words spoken so often in the dark days. Said by so many. You do not understand what they mean.
They see your world differently. Believe you betrayed them. Their property. Their Katniss. Tainted. Damaged. Corrupted. By her.
Yet you know the truth. Know it was you that pushed. For more. For her. For this. They still believe you unfaithful. Despite your honesty. Never making promises. Never giving hope.
Until her.
She drags them from you. Late at night. Wrapped in silence. Breaking your own code. But not quite. Forever honest. To those who matter.
Thoughts of betrayal flitter across your mind in the dark hours. Watch her sleep. Know she is so much more than you deserve.
Think of Gale and Peeta. What they have said. Their thoughts etched across your mind. But then never seem to care your words. Your thoughts. You are an empty vessel for them. To fill with their feelings. Desires. Purpose. Uncaringly believe you a trophy. A fragile cup. To be won. Cherished and displayed. Theirs alone.
Forgetting. You belong to you.
***
I need this.
Your voice breaks. In your throat. The thick, all-encompassing silence that fell. Knowing this is it. The last time you may share this bed. The last you might see her. Know her. Tonight Johanna. Tomorrow the world.
It will be bloody. Lives lost on all sides. Victors know the cost of survival. There are no victors here. Just you. Her. The need for human contact. Love. Softness. Before the dawn. The sun will bring so much. Bullets and fire. Burning, screaming anger. Anguish. Death.
You first night together. The crispness will fade. Into distant memory. Blurred around the edges. Details hazy. But there are things you will remember. Each and every day. The touch of her skin. The taste of her. The feeling of belonging. Safety. Ecstasy.
Do not fool yourself. Know it is a first for you. Not her.
But all pales into insignificance. In those moments there is only this. There is only her. You. This truth you have built. Hold on tight. Keep it safe.
Until the morning comes. And with it everything you fear.
***
I miss this.
It is screamed. Shattering the world around you. Battering her. More than any weapon or fist ever has.
The war is over. So much has ended with it. There were no prizes for the victors. No accolades. No one won.
There was simply life. For the lucky ones. Not so different from before. At least on the surface. Simple.
Just beneath. Scratch the façade. See the new Republic. The belief in justice. The possibility of survival. The comfort of betterment. The Capitol is not dead. But it’s legacy is diminished.
Through it all. She stood beside you. There throughout. Strength. Honesty. Reminding you. Why you fight. Despite the death. Destruction. Countless, mindless, endless battles. She was a promise. Of the future. Of a life. A little better than before. A little less pain. A little more possibility. A little more freedom.
But time passes. Wars end. Pick up the pieces. Rebuild. Remake. Modelled in your image. Your designs. Too long. Too far.
The distance no longer merely physical. So much more.
We are not who we were.
J
The words read a thousand times. Screamed a thousand times more. Yet the words never lose their lustre on the page. Such inanity. Everything has changed. Why shouldn’t you? But you shape the world. And cannot fit yourselves into it. She is right. You simply did not want to hear it. See it. Believe it.
Years pass. Grey in your hair. Eyes lined. Time has passed. Though it has been kind. There is only so much kindness it can show. Always more than you felt you deserve.
You look out your window. See the sun. Shining weakly. Know sorting returns soon. The winters hard. Though softer than the old days. Children born. Cannot remember hunger now. But all know cold. Harsh. Bitter winds. Ice and snow blanket the ground. Months of white. Pure. Untainted. It was never like that in 12. The mines spewing out their fetid air. Choking the land for miles around. Blackening snow and man alike.
But it is melting now. Making roads passable. Life more liveable.
And so she comes.
Walking up the path. The same swagger you recall. The same sense of self. Not arrogance. But comfort. In herself. Her place. Her dominance of the world.
And suddenly you are a girl again. Transported back. Across space. Time. Back to the rebellion. Those days spent together. Nights spent within each other’s arms.
Heart pounds. Palms itch.
There have been others since. It has been more years than you care to remember. None stayed. All leave in the end. Even Peeta and Gale abandoned you. The only family you had left. Left for better lives. Better loves. Truer life. Not the life you’ve lived. Surrounded by others. But forever alone. Cannot get close. Even now. Too fearful. Of what you do not even know. Have not been able to name. For too many years. Simply afraid. To allow life to start. Love to grow. And so you push them away. Blame the other. Easier that way. Call it abandonment. Who are they to know. The truth from the lies. You have been lying to yourself for too long.
Know you should have fought. For her. For you. But you were too tired. Too much time on battlefields to start another war. And so you let her go.
Despite yourself. Despite everything you had shared. Promised to share. You made promises. Broken. And you blamed her for it. Allowed her to shoulder the burden. Of your apathy. Hung up your truth with the bow. Beside the door promising to comeback to it. To take it down. Some day soon. But your bow is long since warped. The string limp. Callouses upon your hand long since healed. And it is not the only thing damaged by lack of use.
Which makes this feeling all the more surreal. More frightening.
She approaches the house. The one you said you’d build together. Amongst the tress. Away from prying eyes. Tucked amongst nature. Hiding from reality.
Somehow it seemed right. To build this place. As if you thought she would return. Realise her mistake. If only you were here. Or if not. Something else. The life you had dreamt.it might come here instead. Despite the changes. Despite the absurdity. Despite yourself. It would find you. Or she would.
But it never did. She never did. Nor is she now. Another day of dreaming, in a world beyond your wildest dreams. Still you cannot find peace. Happiness. Contentment
It comes months later. The moment you waited all these years for.
Fandom: hunger games
Pairing: Katniss/Joanna
Rating: PG
Summary: What happens when you want something, but having it cannot work?
I want this.
She whispers. Barely heard. As it is barely spoken. But it pounds. Within your ears. Through your blood. Making your stomach clench. Heart skip.
Throat constricting. What is this? Fear. You are not used to it. Wait. No. That is wrong. A lie. You have become so accustomed to it. Fear is the blanket you wrap yourself in. Truth. You promised her. And here it is. In her words. Your palpable response. And it says something. You are not used to this. These feelings being enjoyable. This fear you appear to like.
It is not the abject terror. The fight or flight. The do or die. But fear of something else. Falling. Taking the leap. Possibilities. Something that could be better. Something you are not sure you deserve. That you might be too broken for. Look into her eyes. See she is just as broken as you. Perhaps you are both beyond repair. Maybe that is the point. The secret.
And you are famous for your courage. Your survivor mentality. Do not let it fail you now. She is leaning in. Sensing your hesitation. Seeing it for what it is. Uncertainty. In yourself. In your right to this. To her. And she ignores it. Like she has ignored so many other boundaries you set up. Not out of spite. But in spite. Of them. Of you. To show you. You can trust to let her in.
You are overthinking.
Lean in. It can be that simple. Command. Your body knows what to do. Natural response. Reach out. Touch. Take. Taste.
Lips press. Softly. Softly.
She tastes like winter. Clean. Refreshing. Undertones of spring. Or perhaps that is the wine on your tongues.
The kiss deepens. Strengthens. Taking on new shapes and sounds all its own. And your brain is quietening at her touch. Last thought permeates. This is right.
Peeta’s kisses were soft. Comfortable. Familiar. Tainted. With you.
Gale’s kisses were hurried. Hard. Rough. Tainted. By you.
But this. It is somehow pure. Despite you. Despite her. This is real This is truth.
Amber eyes flutter open before you. Burning with the flame more brilliant than that they say you have sparked. And they ignite a fire within your own soul. A passion. Desire. You gave never known before.
Realise you are staring.
Lean in. Stop thinking. Be in the moment. Feel. These things you have so long hidden. Forbidden yourself. Not acknowledged. For fear they would engulf you.
You do not know who you are. What you may become. What may come of anything. The world you knew. In constant, violent flux. But find you have come to realise. Are realising. Will realise. With the woman before you. That anything is possible.
***
You betrayed me.
The words spoken so often in the dark days. Said by so many. You do not understand what they mean.
They see your world differently. Believe you betrayed them. Their property. Their Katniss. Tainted. Damaged. Corrupted. By her.
Yet you know the truth. Know it was you that pushed. For more. For her. For this. They still believe you unfaithful. Despite your honesty. Never making promises. Never giving hope.
Until her.
She drags them from you. Late at night. Wrapped in silence. Breaking your own code. But not quite. Forever honest. To those who matter.
Thoughts of betrayal flitter across your mind in the dark hours. Watch her sleep. Know she is so much more than you deserve.
Think of Gale and Peeta. What they have said. Their thoughts etched across your mind. But then never seem to care your words. Your thoughts. You are an empty vessel for them. To fill with their feelings. Desires. Purpose. Uncaringly believe you a trophy. A fragile cup. To be won. Cherished and displayed. Theirs alone.
Forgetting. You belong to you.
***
I need this.
Your voice breaks. In your throat. The thick, all-encompassing silence that fell. Knowing this is it. The last time you may share this bed. The last you might see her. Know her. Tonight Johanna. Tomorrow the world.
It will be bloody. Lives lost on all sides. Victors know the cost of survival. There are no victors here. Just you. Her. The need for human contact. Love. Softness. Before the dawn. The sun will bring so much. Bullets and fire. Burning, screaming anger. Anguish. Death.
You first night together. The crispness will fade. Into distant memory. Blurred around the edges. Details hazy. But there are things you will remember. Each and every day. The touch of her skin. The taste of her. The feeling of belonging. Safety. Ecstasy.
Do not fool yourself. Know it is a first for you. Not her.
But all pales into insignificance. In those moments there is only this. There is only her. You. This truth you have built. Hold on tight. Keep it safe.
Until the morning comes. And with it everything you fear.
***
I miss this.
It is screamed. Shattering the world around you. Battering her. More than any weapon or fist ever has.
The war is over. So much has ended with it. There were no prizes for the victors. No accolades. No one won.
There was simply life. For the lucky ones. Not so different from before. At least on the surface. Simple.
Just beneath. Scratch the façade. See the new Republic. The belief in justice. The possibility of survival. The comfort of betterment. The Capitol is not dead. But it’s legacy is diminished.
Through it all. She stood beside you. There throughout. Strength. Honesty. Reminding you. Why you fight. Despite the death. Destruction. Countless, mindless, endless battles. She was a promise. Of the future. Of a life. A little better than before. A little less pain. A little more possibility. A little more freedom.
But time passes. Wars end. Pick up the pieces. Rebuild. Remake. Modelled in your image. Your designs. Too long. Too far.
The distance no longer merely physical. So much more.
We are not who we were.
J
The words read a thousand times. Screamed a thousand times more. Yet the words never lose their lustre on the page. Such inanity. Everything has changed. Why shouldn’t you? But you shape the world. And cannot fit yourselves into it. She is right. You simply did not want to hear it. See it. Believe it.
Years pass. Grey in your hair. Eyes lined. Time has passed. Though it has been kind. There is only so much kindness it can show. Always more than you felt you deserve.
You look out your window. See the sun. Shining weakly. Know sorting returns soon. The winters hard. Though softer than the old days. Children born. Cannot remember hunger now. But all know cold. Harsh. Bitter winds. Ice and snow blanket the ground. Months of white. Pure. Untainted. It was never like that in 12. The mines spewing out their fetid air. Choking the land for miles around. Blackening snow and man alike.
But it is melting now. Making roads passable. Life more liveable.
And so she comes.
Walking up the path. The same swagger you recall. The same sense of self. Not arrogance. But comfort. In herself. Her place. Her dominance of the world.
And suddenly you are a girl again. Transported back. Across space. Time. Back to the rebellion. Those days spent together. Nights spent within each other’s arms.
Heart pounds. Palms itch.
There have been others since. It has been more years than you care to remember. None stayed. All leave in the end. Even Peeta and Gale abandoned you. The only family you had left. Left for better lives. Better loves. Truer life. Not the life you’ve lived. Surrounded by others. But forever alone. Cannot get close. Even now. Too fearful. Of what you do not even know. Have not been able to name. For too many years. Simply afraid. To allow life to start. Love to grow. And so you push them away. Blame the other. Easier that way. Call it abandonment. Who are they to know. The truth from the lies. You have been lying to yourself for too long.
Know you should have fought. For her. For you. But you were too tired. Too much time on battlefields to start another war. And so you let her go.
Despite yourself. Despite everything you had shared. Promised to share. You made promises. Broken. And you blamed her for it. Allowed her to shoulder the burden. Of your apathy. Hung up your truth with the bow. Beside the door promising to comeback to it. To take it down. Some day soon. But your bow is long since warped. The string limp. Callouses upon your hand long since healed. And it is not the only thing damaged by lack of use.
Which makes this feeling all the more surreal. More frightening.
She approaches the house. The one you said you’d build together. Amongst the tress. Away from prying eyes. Tucked amongst nature. Hiding from reality.
Somehow it seemed right. To build this place. As if you thought she would return. Realise her mistake. If only you were here. Or if not. Something else. The life you had dreamt.it might come here instead. Despite the changes. Despite the absurdity. Despite yourself. It would find you. Or she would.
But it never did. She never did. Nor is she now. Another day of dreaming, in a world beyond your wildest dreams. Still you cannot find peace. Happiness. Contentment
It comes months later. The moment you waited all these years for.