It finally hit me
When I left you guys, it was sad, but I didn't cry. When my parents left my dorm, I teared up a little bit cause my mom was sobbing but I didn't cry. I hate crying, hate it hate it. But now I find myself truly realizing that I'm starting over and it's not a good feeling.
Like today my mom sent me a package from home with random stuff (extension cord, eye makeup remover, thumbtacks) and she put in a little card that said "I thought of you today" with an "I love you" inside and it took everything I had not to cry cause I wasn't alone when I went through the package, and really it's taking everything not to cry now.
Then I called my dad because yesterday he called and I couldn't talk. I thought he was just going to talk about something I had to do but he just wanted to check up on me and see how I was and everything. He's not normally like that; I almost cried on the phone with him but I didn't want him to hear it in my voice and start worrying about me.
Just looking around and meeting new people, I feel this horrible emptiness. I had no idea just how close I had become to everyone and it's hell to think I'll have to find people to fill that impossible void. I miss each and every one of you so much, if I could see you all again I'd give you the goodbye you all deserved to get.
It's just so hard to make the right friends for me. Like last night talking to people I brought up how I'm not sure how to approach making jokes since no one here knows my sense of humor and I showed them my hospital coloring books ("I'm getting a bone marrow transplant" etc etc). They laughed at things in them but not at the right funny things. The humor in subtlety is nowhere to be appreciated. Also, I know that drinking is a great way to meet people and make friends, but since I don't drink it's just that much harder so socialize. I just don't think it's fair that in choosing not to intoxicate myself I'm inhibiting my ability to bond with people and make friends. I mean, yeah, I've met lots of new people, but not to the point where I'd call them and be like "hey what's up". Just small talk, smiles in passing.
And the stupid people! MY GOD. I thought this was COLLEGE. But no, I'm stuck in an elevator listening to girls say "OMG! My name is like your name but my name has an i and an e!" I'm just hoping the people I meet in my classes (starting tomorrow) are going to be more on my level than a lot of the people I overhear around here. I wish I could record the things I hear in passing on this campus, you all would die laughing.
Better yet, a giant SUBSTANCE FREE COMMUNITY sign's been posted RIGHT by the elevators for my floor.
This is RIDONKULOUS.
There's a floor meeting tonight and I'm going to see if I can convince the RA to take it down. Some people on my floor don't care, others agree with me. Generally, guys have been really nice about it whenever I get off the elevator and they see it, but the girls can be such bitches. I'm literally stepping off the elevator, within speaking range, and they have the nerve to laugh about the fact that I choose not to get wasted. And the upperclassmen here are either really, really nice and helpful or complete pompous jackasses. The upperclassmen I got to meet in the College of Engineering were all incredibly nice so that's a good thing.
Everyone says college holds the best years of your life, but everyone also fails to mention how incredibly hard the beginning of freshman year really is.
Like today my mom sent me a package from home with random stuff (extension cord, eye makeup remover, thumbtacks) and she put in a little card that said "I thought of you today" with an "I love you" inside and it took everything I had not to cry cause I wasn't alone when I went through the package, and really it's taking everything not to cry now.
Then I called my dad because yesterday he called and I couldn't talk. I thought he was just going to talk about something I had to do but he just wanted to check up on me and see how I was and everything. He's not normally like that; I almost cried on the phone with him but I didn't want him to hear it in my voice and start worrying about me.
Just looking around and meeting new people, I feel this horrible emptiness. I had no idea just how close I had become to everyone and it's hell to think I'll have to find people to fill that impossible void. I miss each and every one of you so much, if I could see you all again I'd give you the goodbye you all deserved to get.
It's just so hard to make the right friends for me. Like last night talking to people I brought up how I'm not sure how to approach making jokes since no one here knows my sense of humor and I showed them my hospital coloring books ("I'm getting a bone marrow transplant" etc etc). They laughed at things in them but not at the right funny things. The humor in subtlety is nowhere to be appreciated. Also, I know that drinking is a great way to meet people and make friends, but since I don't drink it's just that much harder so socialize. I just don't think it's fair that in choosing not to intoxicate myself I'm inhibiting my ability to bond with people and make friends. I mean, yeah, I've met lots of new people, but not to the point where I'd call them and be like "hey what's up". Just small talk, smiles in passing.
And the stupid people! MY GOD. I thought this was COLLEGE. But no, I'm stuck in an elevator listening to girls say "OMG! My name is like your name but my name has an i and an e!" I'm just hoping the people I meet in my classes (starting tomorrow) are going to be more on my level than a lot of the people I overhear around here. I wish I could record the things I hear in passing on this campus, you all would die laughing.
Better yet, a giant SUBSTANCE FREE COMMUNITY sign's been posted RIGHT by the elevators for my floor.
This is RIDONKULOUS.
There's a floor meeting tonight and I'm going to see if I can convince the RA to take it down. Some people on my floor don't care, others agree with me. Generally, guys have been really nice about it whenever I get off the elevator and they see it, but the girls can be such bitches. I'm literally stepping off the elevator, within speaking range, and they have the nerve to laugh about the fact that I choose not to get wasted. And the upperclassmen here are either really, really nice and helpful or complete pompous jackasses. The upperclassmen I got to meet in the College of Engineering were all incredibly nice so that's a good thing.
Everyone says college holds the best years of your life, but everyone also fails to mention how incredibly hard the beginning of freshman year really is.