Fic: Good Start (Kirk/McCoy)
Title: Good Start
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Summary: Jim makes a move
Rating: Teen/PG13
Word Count: 4155
A/N: #16 in the Two Men & a Starship series. Follows Friendly Conversation. Thank you for reading/commenting!
There are a couple of possible moves that Jim can make. He studies the board and anticipates outcomes for each choice, trying to determine which is better. While strategizing, he also tries to predict what move Spock will make, depending on Jim’s choice. Playing chess with his first officer is almost as challenging as getting through four years of school in three. Spock really doesn’t like to lose, even if it takes observation to be aware of that since he rarely betrays his emotions in obvious ways.
“Do you think if you stare long enough, you’ll suddenly be winning?” Uhura asks him in conversational Orion.
“No,” he replies in the basic dialect of Romulan that she’s teaching him. He can’t say a lot in that language yet, so he changes to Kreetassan. “I might be winning anyway.”
“Stop showing off, Kirk,” she says, speaking Kreetassan just a little slower than her usual rapid speed. He wonders if he’s actually stronger at that one than she is.
“I do not understand the need to communicate in languages when there is not a native speaker here,” Spock says.
Uhura smiles at him. “It’s practice, Spock. Besides, Kirk doesn’t talk as much when he’s using other languages.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my hearing,” he points out in Vulcan, rolling his eyes when Spock arches a brow. “Don’t talk about me like I’m not sitting right here.”
“Based on Nyota’s explanation, I can understand the benefit to this odd restriction that you two have placed on the evening,” Spock tells them dryly. Jim really doesn’t know how Uhura puts up with him because smart and dependable can only go so far when semi-emotionless and boring are on the other side of the scale.
Jim rolls his eyes and makes a move. Now that it’s Spock turn, he relaxes a little and takes a drink. They normally play chess alone, but Uhura obviously doesn’t have anything to do since she’s spending her evening watching them and bothering Jim in multiple languages. It isn’t that bad, except when she chooses one that he doesn’t know at all, so he doesn’t mind her joining them. It makes him wish Bones were here, kind of, even if he’d probably grumble and mutter at them.
Spock and Uhura’s relationship isn’t a secret on the Enterprise, yet Jim figures that most of the crew have no idea that they’re involved. They just aren’t the type of people into public displays of affection or obvious couple type of gestures. Still, he notices looks sometimes, private shared smiles, casual touches that indicate how they feel about each other, that they love each other, and, damn it, he’s jealous. Not that he and Bones are like Spock and Uhura, who will probably end up married with kids at some point in the future, but it means something to Jim to commit to someone like he’s trying to do with Bones. Would they be like this around other people, with the shared smiles and silent looks that make anyone else feel like they’re intruding on private moments?
Keeping his relationship with Bones secret is his choice, as well as Bones’, and he knows it’s the best thing for now, when they’re still establishing authority and earning respect from their crew. Still, he envies the fact that Spock and Uhura don’t have to hide their relationship, regardless of whether they’re private about it or not. They’re being more demonstrative here in the privacy of Spock’s room, though that mostly consists of Uhura smiling a lot and teasing Spock in a way that she wouldn’t on the bridge, which isn’t exactly Jim’s idea of affectionate. That’s a good thing, because he really doesn’t think that he could handle them making out or cooing at each other.
“Captain, it is your move,” Spock informs him.
“Right.” He stops thinking about having the freedom to make out with Bones anywhere he wants without secrets and responsibility to their positions guiding their actions. That’s one of those paths that’s better not to even start walking down because it’s not going to go anywhere. After studying the board, he frowns slightly. He double checks everything before he makes his move. “Check.”
Spock’s eyebrow practically disappears off his forehead and into his hairline as he scowls at the board. Jim’s been able to beat him a couple of times, but not often enough that the satisfaction of reaching ‘check’ isn’t savored.
“Hikaru tells me that you’ve taught Chekov hand-to-hand combat really well,” Uhura tells him as Spock keeps scowling at the board.
“Chekov is a quick learner,” he says. “He didn’t mean to break Sulu’s nose, though.”
“I didn’t think that he did it intentionally,” she says, going back to Orion as she reads a PADD and presses her foot against Spock’s thigh. Jim looks away because it’s one of those casual ‘in love’ sort of actions that she probably doesn’t even realize she’s doing. It doesn’t feel right to watch something like that. It’s like how Bones was telling him at Meridian, with intimacy and not wanting people to see that.
“It was a good training session, even if Sulu was a little arrogant at first.” He takes another drink and glances at the chronometer. This is their second match and probably their last. He came by to play after an early dinner, wanting to give Bones space and also maybe give himself some space, too. They aren’t really arguing about anything, but he’s still somewhat raw after this morning. If Bones shut him out again tonight, he knows that it would have been rougher than usual. Avoidance isn’t the key, of course, but it works pretty well right now. He’ll go by medical tomorrow to see if Bones wants to have lunch with him, since he doesn’t want it to become a situation with him ignoring things to make it easier on himself.
“Your move,” Spock announces, looking just a little too smug. Jim looks at the board and considers his options. Spock has managed to make an advantageous move, one that seems to lead to inevitable victory, but Jim sees something that he can do, if he wants to take the risk.
“I’m glad that we’ve finally left Scorching Monotony,” he says as he makes his move. What’s life without some risk? If it works, he’ll be able to win a match, which is definitely worth the attempt. “I was getting tired of orbiting.”
“Your persistence in calling the planet by that name is odd.” Spock is looking at the board and practically smirking, which means that Jim’s strategy might actually work.
“Kirk is odd,” Uhura points out helpfully. “However, I have to agree with him this time. It’s going to be good to do something else. It’s been tedious the past week.”
“Nyota, you should not insult the captain,” Spock chastises. “Regardless of personal feelings, he is the captain and deserves respect. While he is present, at least.”
“That’s another attempt at a joke,” Jim says before taking a drink. “That makes five in the last week. I’m keeping track.”
Spock arches both brows and frowns, probably trying to figure out if Jim really is keeping track. He looks back at the board and makes his move, taking Jim’s queen with a definite smirk. “Your move.”
Jim nods and manages to look contrite instead of smug as he surveys the board. Sacrificing his queen proves to have been the best decision because he makes a move and leans back with a smirk of his own. “Checkmate.”
“Impossible,” Spock mutters as he stares at the board. Uhura looks up from her PADD and shakes her head. Spock frowns at Jim. “You allowed me to take your queen so that you would win.”
“Yeah, I did. Sometimes success requires sacrifice,” he says simply. “Just like there are times when winning means trusting your instincts and not worrying about regulations and stuff.”
Spock purses his lips. “Another game?”
“Some other time. I like ending this with my win,” he decides. “Besides, Uhura probably wants you to herself for a while.” He winks as he stands up.
“Charming,” Uhura mutters, but he notices that she doesn’t deny that she wants to get Spock alone. And he cringes slightly at that thought.
“I will see you tomorrow morning for our meeting, Captain,” Spock says as he starts to stand up.
“Don’t stand. You two are comfortable, and I can open the door by myself,” he says. “I’ll see you in the morning. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
He steps out of the door as Uhura is muttering about how she doubts there isn’t anything that he wouldn’t do and has to smile when she’s cut off mid word. Maybe Spock isn’t so emotionless when they’re alone, after all. He walks down the corridor and turns the corner to reach his quarters. As he passes the turbolift, he hesitates and considers going down to see Bones, just to see how his day’s been. Probably not a good idea, though, since he can’t seem to be around Bones in private without wanting to touch and kiss.
When he enters his quarters, he sees Bones sitting on his sofa with Athos sleeping on his lap. He has his head leaning back, but his eyes are closed so he isn’t staring at the ceiling. Jim blinks and shifts his weight from one foot to the other as he stares at him. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Bones says quietly, straightening his head and opening his eyes.
“I almost went down to your place just now,” he tells him. He feels kind of awkward for some reason, maybe because he’s so happy to see Bones despite everything. “Guess it’s a good thing that I didn’t. Since you’re here and all.”
“Did you?” Bones moves his gaze up and down Jim. “I came here after dinner, when I didn’t see you in the mess or officers’ dining hall. Working late?”
“I ate early,” he explains. “Played a couple of games of chess with Spock while practicing languages with Uhura.” He reaches up to rub the back of his neck. “I actually won the last match.”
“Congratulations.” Bones frowns and looks down at Athos. “I thought things were okay, Jim. When you left this morning, we’d talked and weren’t arguing anymore.”
“They are okay.” He walks over to the seating area and sits in the chair near the sofa instead of beside Bones. “We hadn’t made plans, and Spock and I meet a couple of nights a week to play. We have since shortly after we left dock.”
“Right. They’re just fucking perfect when you’re sitting over there and don’t contact me all day,” Bones says, glancing up and frowning.
“Yeah, well, you didn’t contact me, either,” he points out. “And I’m sitting here because it’ll be too tempting to touch you if I sit beside you.”
“No, I didn’t,” Bones admits, sighing as he runs his fingers through his hair. “Damn it, Jim. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” He’s lying but it isn’t like he can explain what’s bothering him. “Want to have lunch tomorrow?”
“Forget tomorrow,” he says. “There’s this awkwardness here now. You acted strange when you left my quarters, and it’s been nagging at me all day. Things are supposedly fine, so why would you be acting weird unless they aren’t okay.”
Jim leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees, cupping his chin as he looks at Bones. “We’re not arguing about my release anymore. Scorching Monotony is in the past, and I understand the medical concerns that you had.”
“It’s not about that,” Bones interrupts. “It’s about this morning, isn’t it? About my problem?”
“No, it isn’t.” He’s being honest because, really, it isn’t about the impotency. He understands that, even if it’s frustrating. He makes a face and stares at Bones for a moment before he blurts out, “It’s about you.”
“What?” Bones shifts and carefully moves Athos off his lap to sleep on the cushion next to him. “What about me?”
“I don’t know.” Jim shrugs and worries his lip, not sure what to say now that he’s thrown that out there. While it is the truth, it isn’t something that he wants to talk about. He’s been doing well enough dealing with it on his own.
“You can’t just say that this all on me without explaining why you think that.” Bones is scowling at him. “If it’s not because of the fact that I’m impotent right now, what the hell is the problem? You’re acting really strange, and I don’t know why.”
Jim licks his lips and considers it. “You won’t let me touch you. I mean, you do sometimes, but you push me away when it’s important.”
“I don’t push you away,” Bones denies. “As for touching, I seem to remember a lot of touching in my office yesterday.”
“Yes, you do,” he says firmly. “Do you think I’m lying? It hurts when you do it, even though I tell myself that it’s not personal. I’m trying to help you through this, but you won’t let me. And, damn it, I’m frustrated and feel rejected. There. Now you know. I’m being selfish and insensitive, no doubt, but you don’t seem to realize how it feels to be shut out like this.”
Bones shakes his head. “You’re frustrated? I’m the one having to deal with this, Jim. I want you, but my body won’t cooperate. All I can do is feel this need without ever satisfying it. You touching doesn’t help make it better. It makes it worse.”
“Maybe it would help?” Jim tries to figure out how to put some of his recent thoughts into words. “You’re so caught up in being impotent that your brain isn’t letting go even though the causes are mostly resolved. That means something else other than just work and a new situation are causing it, right? You’re stressed about us, about our relationship, about not being able to perform. And then you can’t get hard because you’re so worried about it, worried that you won’t be able to get hard.”
“Our relationship isn’t making me impotent,” Bones tells him. He runs his hand over his face. “Okay, so maybe I am anxious about the fact that I can’t get it up when sex has been such an important part of our relationship from the start. But I don’t believe that’s the cause. I know how it’s been adjusting to being CMO and getting medical organized and handling so many other things, Jim. I’ve been so tired most nights that I haven’t even dreamed about sex, much less wanted to have it.”
“But things are calming down. The training is mostly finished, medical is completely organized, and you’ve only had normal doctor stuff to deal with,” he points out. “You’re thinking about sex now, too, because I know when you’re aroused. You said it yourself that you want me, but you still can’t get hard.”
“I really don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Bones mutters. “It’s humiliating enough having to experience it without analyzing it like this.”
“See, you shouldn’t feel humiliated. I mean, I’ve even had a few times in the past when I was stressed and tired and couldn’t even jerk off.” Jim flinches slightly because he needs to not make it about him. “The information that I read during my research has given me some ideas of how to try to help, about what I can do as your, uh, whatever you want to call me, but I can’t do anything if you keep closing yourself off and refusing to share this.”
“I can’t share it, Jim. It’s my problem, and it’ll go away eventually. It always does.” Bones glares at him. “I’m giving you orgasms anyway, so what does it matter?”
“Fuck you,” Jim snaps at him as he stands up. “I shouldn’t care that you’re frustrated and angry because I’m getting to come. Is that it? You’re no better than those strangers who think all I do with my life is have sex and get drunk if you really believe that.”
Bones gets to his feet and takes a step closer to him. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“That’s how it sounded.” Jim tightens his lips and stares at Bones. “I enjoy having sex, in general, and especially with you, but that’s not all we are, even if maybe this started out that way. If all I wanted was orgasms, I could find someone to give them to me easily enough. That’s not all I want anymore, though. I’ve changed, and you still don’t seem to accept that.”
“Not this again. I know you’ve changed, Jim. I don’t doubt you. Hell, I haven’t even been worried that you’d get tired of waiting for me and find someone else,” he says, an admission that is a very pleasant surprise.
“You haven’t?” he asks before he can stop himself.
Bones looks at him and sighs. “Not for a few weeks, which isn’t a huge thing, but, well, for me, it is. Your past is always there, but I can see how you are now, how you are with me, and maybe I’m finally letting myself believe that it’s possible. Maybe I’ve always sort of known that you meant it but wasn’t ready to accept it until now. I don’t know. Everything’s kind of messed up in my head lately with this damn impotence thing.”
“If you believe in me, why won’t you trust me?” He rubs the back of his neck again. “I know that I shouldn’t have taken from you, even if you were offering, because it’s complicated things even more. It’s ended up making things worse for you, hasn’t it?”
“I do trust you. Damn it, Jim. I trust you more than anyone else in my life,” he says, moving his fingers into his hair and tugging in the way he does when he’s really frustrated. “But I’m a doctor, not a therapist. I can understand the biological causes of the problem, but not even my psychology classes help me figure out the mental shit when it’s me I’m trying to analyze.”
Jim wants to step forward and hug him, but he can’t touch. Not yet. “I think that I need you to understand how you’re making me feel,” he murmurs softly. “I can tell you, but you don’t see what you’re doing, so you’re not really understanding it.”
“What do you mean?” Bones reaches out to touch his face, and Jim moves so that he can’t. “So, what? I can’t touch you at all?”
“I don’t know.” Jim grimaces. “I can’t figure out what to do to make this better. I can’t keep having orgasms only to then be shut out because you’re upset and don’t want to let me in.”
“I’ve been honest with you from the start about this, before I even knew for sure that it was going to happen. We’ve talked about it more than I ever wanted to. How else can I let you in, kid?”
“We’re talked about it, but you haven’t let me do anything. I’m not just saying that I’m supportive because it’s expected of me, you know? I really am trying to be there for you. I’ve even done research. It’s not even just about how it feels for me, either, though having to discuss how I feel and admitting that isn’t the easiest thing in the world. It hurts me to see you dealing with this without letting me help. Why can’t you let me be here when you need me? God, Bones, I lo--” He trails off before he can finish because he suddenly realizes what he’s saying. What the hell? Where had that come from? He can see Bones’ look of surprise, which means he must have really been about to say what he thinks he was going to say and, fuck, he can’t breathe.
“Jim…” Bones starts then stops, running his hand over his face as he takes a deep breath. He’s staring at Jim as if he’s suddenly sprouted another head, and the look of confusion changes, going through several different emotions so fast that Jim can’t even catalog them all, and the unable to breathe thing becomes worse as he waits to hear what Bones is going to say. “Damn it, Jim. You’re hyperventilating. Breathe slowly. Are you feeling numb?”
“No,” he pants, trying to breathe slow but still having trouble. His eyes are starting to water, and he can feel heat in his face. What the hell is he thinking? That word. He’s never said that word to anyone except his mother and George, both of whom left him. If he says it now, Bones will leave him. His breathing becomes faster as his fingers twitch. It’s all Spock and Uhura’s fault. Them with their whole ‘in love’ bullshit that has made him try to define all these confusing things that he feels for Bones.
“I said slower, not faster, asshole,” Bones mutters. He reaches out to touch Jim’s shoulder, moving his hand along his neck until he’s cupping his jaw and chin. “Look at me. Breathe with me. In and out. Slow and easy.”
Jim looks at him and tries to follow his example. “You can’t leave me,” he says in between gasps of air. “I didn’t say it, so you can’t leave. Promise me you won’t leave.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Bones speaks firmly, in that stubborn tone of voice that Jim knows means he’s serious. “And stop ignoring me and getting more stressed, Jim. Breathe with me.” He takes several slow breaths, brushing his thumb over Jim’s cheek as they breathe together. “I’ve been with you through a lot of shitty times, kid. It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than a word to get rid of me.” Bones leans his forehead against Jim’s, still breathing with him. “I do, too,” he whispers.
“Yeah?” Jim murmurs softly, reaching out to grip Bones’ shoulder. “I think I may throw up on you.”
“Yeah. Kind of a lot, if we’re being completely honest.” Bones is still speaking so quietly that Jim can barely hear him, and he realizes that maybe he isn’t the only one having difficulty using that particular word to describe what they feel for each other. Bones strokes his back as they keep breathing. “No vomiting. Just calm down, darlin’.”
“I’m calming down,” he says slowly, realizing that it’s true. He’s said something he never expected to say to anyone else during his lifetime, and he’s heard it repeated back. Close enough, on both accounts. For some strange reason, he can’t help but smile, even as he tries to stop freaking out. “I do a lot, too.” He figures if they’re being honest, he should clarify that point. “Even if I only just now figured out that’s what it is.”
“And you’re supposed to be a genius,” Bones teases softly before he kisses Jim, a thorough kiss that definitely has his toes curling and his pulse racing. When he pulls back, Bones looks at him and smiles that crooked smile. “Why don’t we sit down and you can tell me about your research?” he suggests, looking slightly anxious but also interested.
“Really?” Jim studies his face, reaching over to touch his jaw. “I don’t want to force myself into this, but I also can’t just sit here doing nothing.”
“Why can you touch but I can’t?” Bones grumbles, twisting his head slightly so he can kiss Jim’s palm.
“You touched plenty yesterday,” he says simply. He doesn’t really feel that different, which is good because he’s still a little scared about the whole love thing. “As for my research, there isn’t much, but I’ve read about stressed-induced impotence, to see if there are things that I could do to make it easier on you. I’ve been doing some of them, like trying to create an intimate environment, which I did yesterday in your office. Before it became more sexual and all.”
“So that explains all the kissing and making out,” Bones murmurs, reaching up to catch Jim’s hand in his. “I wasn’t going to complain about it, but I was curious since you don’t normally go slow.”
“I don’t, do I?” He frowns and moves his fingers around Bones’, squeezing his hand as they stand facing each other. “I like it, though. Taking my time with you and enjoying you. It’s nice, even if I enjoy the other times, too.”
“What else have you discovered in your research?” Bones asks as he gently pulls Jim over to the sofa. Jim sits beside him and keeps holding his hand as he talks about the intimacy and communication and identifying stress factors that he’s learned about. It isn’t going to immediately fix anything, but it feels like it’s a good start.
End
#15: Friendly Conversation | #17: Like Falling
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Summary: Jim makes a move
Rating: Teen/PG13
Word Count: 4155
A/N: #16 in the Two Men & a Starship series. Follows Friendly Conversation. Thank you for reading/commenting!
There are a couple of possible moves that Jim can make. He studies the board and anticipates outcomes for each choice, trying to determine which is better. While strategizing, he also tries to predict what move Spock will make, depending on Jim’s choice. Playing chess with his first officer is almost as challenging as getting through four years of school in three. Spock really doesn’t like to lose, even if it takes observation to be aware of that since he rarely betrays his emotions in obvious ways.
“Do you think if you stare long enough, you’ll suddenly be winning?” Uhura asks him in conversational Orion.
“No,” he replies in the basic dialect of Romulan that she’s teaching him. He can’t say a lot in that language yet, so he changes to Kreetassan. “I might be winning anyway.”
“Stop showing off, Kirk,” she says, speaking Kreetassan just a little slower than her usual rapid speed. He wonders if he’s actually stronger at that one than she is.
“I do not understand the need to communicate in languages when there is not a native speaker here,” Spock says.
Uhura smiles at him. “It’s practice, Spock. Besides, Kirk doesn’t talk as much when he’s using other languages.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my hearing,” he points out in Vulcan, rolling his eyes when Spock arches a brow. “Don’t talk about me like I’m not sitting right here.”
“Based on Nyota’s explanation, I can understand the benefit to this odd restriction that you two have placed on the evening,” Spock tells them dryly. Jim really doesn’t know how Uhura puts up with him because smart and dependable can only go so far when semi-emotionless and boring are on the other side of the scale.
Jim rolls his eyes and makes a move. Now that it’s Spock turn, he relaxes a little and takes a drink. They normally play chess alone, but Uhura obviously doesn’t have anything to do since she’s spending her evening watching them and bothering Jim in multiple languages. It isn’t that bad, except when she chooses one that he doesn’t know at all, so he doesn’t mind her joining them. It makes him wish Bones were here, kind of, even if he’d probably grumble and mutter at them.
Spock and Uhura’s relationship isn’t a secret on the Enterprise, yet Jim figures that most of the crew have no idea that they’re involved. They just aren’t the type of people into public displays of affection or obvious couple type of gestures. Still, he notices looks sometimes, private shared smiles, casual touches that indicate how they feel about each other, that they love each other, and, damn it, he’s jealous. Not that he and Bones are like Spock and Uhura, who will probably end up married with kids at some point in the future, but it means something to Jim to commit to someone like he’s trying to do with Bones. Would they be like this around other people, with the shared smiles and silent looks that make anyone else feel like they’re intruding on private moments?
Keeping his relationship with Bones secret is his choice, as well as Bones’, and he knows it’s the best thing for now, when they’re still establishing authority and earning respect from their crew. Still, he envies the fact that Spock and Uhura don’t have to hide their relationship, regardless of whether they’re private about it or not. They’re being more demonstrative here in the privacy of Spock’s room, though that mostly consists of Uhura smiling a lot and teasing Spock in a way that she wouldn’t on the bridge, which isn’t exactly Jim’s idea of affectionate. That’s a good thing, because he really doesn’t think that he could handle them making out or cooing at each other.
“Captain, it is your move,” Spock informs him.
“Right.” He stops thinking about having the freedom to make out with Bones anywhere he wants without secrets and responsibility to their positions guiding their actions. That’s one of those paths that’s better not to even start walking down because it’s not going to go anywhere. After studying the board, he frowns slightly. He double checks everything before he makes his move. “Check.”
Spock’s eyebrow practically disappears off his forehead and into his hairline as he scowls at the board. Jim’s been able to beat him a couple of times, but not often enough that the satisfaction of reaching ‘check’ isn’t savored.
“Hikaru tells me that you’ve taught Chekov hand-to-hand combat really well,” Uhura tells him as Spock keeps scowling at the board.
“Chekov is a quick learner,” he says. “He didn’t mean to break Sulu’s nose, though.”
“I didn’t think that he did it intentionally,” she says, going back to Orion as she reads a PADD and presses her foot against Spock’s thigh. Jim looks away because it’s one of those casual ‘in love’ sort of actions that she probably doesn’t even realize she’s doing. It doesn’t feel right to watch something like that. It’s like how Bones was telling him at Meridian, with intimacy and not wanting people to see that.
“It was a good training session, even if Sulu was a little arrogant at first.” He takes another drink and glances at the chronometer. This is their second match and probably their last. He came by to play after an early dinner, wanting to give Bones space and also maybe give himself some space, too. They aren’t really arguing about anything, but he’s still somewhat raw after this morning. If Bones shut him out again tonight, he knows that it would have been rougher than usual. Avoidance isn’t the key, of course, but it works pretty well right now. He’ll go by medical tomorrow to see if Bones wants to have lunch with him, since he doesn’t want it to become a situation with him ignoring things to make it easier on himself.
“Your move,” Spock announces, looking just a little too smug. Jim looks at the board and considers his options. Spock has managed to make an advantageous move, one that seems to lead to inevitable victory, but Jim sees something that he can do, if he wants to take the risk.
“I’m glad that we’ve finally left Scorching Monotony,” he says as he makes his move. What’s life without some risk? If it works, he’ll be able to win a match, which is definitely worth the attempt. “I was getting tired of orbiting.”
“Your persistence in calling the planet by that name is odd.” Spock is looking at the board and practically smirking, which means that Jim’s strategy might actually work.
“Kirk is odd,” Uhura points out helpfully. “However, I have to agree with him this time. It’s going to be good to do something else. It’s been tedious the past week.”
“Nyota, you should not insult the captain,” Spock chastises. “Regardless of personal feelings, he is the captain and deserves respect. While he is present, at least.”
“That’s another attempt at a joke,” Jim says before taking a drink. “That makes five in the last week. I’m keeping track.”
Spock arches both brows and frowns, probably trying to figure out if Jim really is keeping track. He looks back at the board and makes his move, taking Jim’s queen with a definite smirk. “Your move.”
Jim nods and manages to look contrite instead of smug as he surveys the board. Sacrificing his queen proves to have been the best decision because he makes a move and leans back with a smirk of his own. “Checkmate.”
“Impossible,” Spock mutters as he stares at the board. Uhura looks up from her PADD and shakes her head. Spock frowns at Jim. “You allowed me to take your queen so that you would win.”
“Yeah, I did. Sometimes success requires sacrifice,” he says simply. “Just like there are times when winning means trusting your instincts and not worrying about regulations and stuff.”
Spock purses his lips. “Another game?”
“Some other time. I like ending this with my win,” he decides. “Besides, Uhura probably wants you to herself for a while.” He winks as he stands up.
“Charming,” Uhura mutters, but he notices that she doesn’t deny that she wants to get Spock alone. And he cringes slightly at that thought.
“I will see you tomorrow morning for our meeting, Captain,” Spock says as he starts to stand up.
“Don’t stand. You two are comfortable, and I can open the door by myself,” he says. “I’ll see you in the morning. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
He steps out of the door as Uhura is muttering about how she doubts there isn’t anything that he wouldn’t do and has to smile when she’s cut off mid word. Maybe Spock isn’t so emotionless when they’re alone, after all. He walks down the corridor and turns the corner to reach his quarters. As he passes the turbolift, he hesitates and considers going down to see Bones, just to see how his day’s been. Probably not a good idea, though, since he can’t seem to be around Bones in private without wanting to touch and kiss.
When he enters his quarters, he sees Bones sitting on his sofa with Athos sleeping on his lap. He has his head leaning back, but his eyes are closed so he isn’t staring at the ceiling. Jim blinks and shifts his weight from one foot to the other as he stares at him. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Bones says quietly, straightening his head and opening his eyes.
“I almost went down to your place just now,” he tells him. He feels kind of awkward for some reason, maybe because he’s so happy to see Bones despite everything. “Guess it’s a good thing that I didn’t. Since you’re here and all.”
“Did you?” Bones moves his gaze up and down Jim. “I came here after dinner, when I didn’t see you in the mess or officers’ dining hall. Working late?”
“I ate early,” he explains. “Played a couple of games of chess with Spock while practicing languages with Uhura.” He reaches up to rub the back of his neck. “I actually won the last match.”
“Congratulations.” Bones frowns and looks down at Athos. “I thought things were okay, Jim. When you left this morning, we’d talked and weren’t arguing anymore.”
“They are okay.” He walks over to the seating area and sits in the chair near the sofa instead of beside Bones. “We hadn’t made plans, and Spock and I meet a couple of nights a week to play. We have since shortly after we left dock.”
“Right. They’re just fucking perfect when you’re sitting over there and don’t contact me all day,” Bones says, glancing up and frowning.
“Yeah, well, you didn’t contact me, either,” he points out. “And I’m sitting here because it’ll be too tempting to touch you if I sit beside you.”
“No, I didn’t,” Bones admits, sighing as he runs his fingers through his hair. “Damn it, Jim. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” He’s lying but it isn’t like he can explain what’s bothering him. “Want to have lunch tomorrow?”
“Forget tomorrow,” he says. “There’s this awkwardness here now. You acted strange when you left my quarters, and it’s been nagging at me all day. Things are supposedly fine, so why would you be acting weird unless they aren’t okay.”
Jim leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees, cupping his chin as he looks at Bones. “We’re not arguing about my release anymore. Scorching Monotony is in the past, and I understand the medical concerns that you had.”
“It’s not about that,” Bones interrupts. “It’s about this morning, isn’t it? About my problem?”
“No, it isn’t.” He’s being honest because, really, it isn’t about the impotency. He understands that, even if it’s frustrating. He makes a face and stares at Bones for a moment before he blurts out, “It’s about you.”
“What?” Bones shifts and carefully moves Athos off his lap to sleep on the cushion next to him. “What about me?”
“I don’t know.” Jim shrugs and worries his lip, not sure what to say now that he’s thrown that out there. While it is the truth, it isn’t something that he wants to talk about. He’s been doing well enough dealing with it on his own.
“You can’t just say that this all on me without explaining why you think that.” Bones is scowling at him. “If it’s not because of the fact that I’m impotent right now, what the hell is the problem? You’re acting really strange, and I don’t know why.”
Jim licks his lips and considers it. “You won’t let me touch you. I mean, you do sometimes, but you push me away when it’s important.”
“I don’t push you away,” Bones denies. “As for touching, I seem to remember a lot of touching in my office yesterday.”
“Yes, you do,” he says firmly. “Do you think I’m lying? It hurts when you do it, even though I tell myself that it’s not personal. I’m trying to help you through this, but you won’t let me. And, damn it, I’m frustrated and feel rejected. There. Now you know. I’m being selfish and insensitive, no doubt, but you don’t seem to realize how it feels to be shut out like this.”
Bones shakes his head. “You’re frustrated? I’m the one having to deal with this, Jim. I want you, but my body won’t cooperate. All I can do is feel this need without ever satisfying it. You touching doesn’t help make it better. It makes it worse.”
“Maybe it would help?” Jim tries to figure out how to put some of his recent thoughts into words. “You’re so caught up in being impotent that your brain isn’t letting go even though the causes are mostly resolved. That means something else other than just work and a new situation are causing it, right? You’re stressed about us, about our relationship, about not being able to perform. And then you can’t get hard because you’re so worried about it, worried that you won’t be able to get hard.”
“Our relationship isn’t making me impotent,” Bones tells him. He runs his hand over his face. “Okay, so maybe I am anxious about the fact that I can’t get it up when sex has been such an important part of our relationship from the start. But I don’t believe that’s the cause. I know how it’s been adjusting to being CMO and getting medical organized and handling so many other things, Jim. I’ve been so tired most nights that I haven’t even dreamed about sex, much less wanted to have it.”
“But things are calming down. The training is mostly finished, medical is completely organized, and you’ve only had normal doctor stuff to deal with,” he points out. “You’re thinking about sex now, too, because I know when you’re aroused. You said it yourself that you want me, but you still can’t get hard.”
“I really don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Bones mutters. “It’s humiliating enough having to experience it without analyzing it like this.”
“See, you shouldn’t feel humiliated. I mean, I’ve even had a few times in the past when I was stressed and tired and couldn’t even jerk off.” Jim flinches slightly because he needs to not make it about him. “The information that I read during my research has given me some ideas of how to try to help, about what I can do as your, uh, whatever you want to call me, but I can’t do anything if you keep closing yourself off and refusing to share this.”
“I can’t share it, Jim. It’s my problem, and it’ll go away eventually. It always does.” Bones glares at him. “I’m giving you orgasms anyway, so what does it matter?”
“Fuck you,” Jim snaps at him as he stands up. “I shouldn’t care that you’re frustrated and angry because I’m getting to come. Is that it? You’re no better than those strangers who think all I do with my life is have sex and get drunk if you really believe that.”
Bones gets to his feet and takes a step closer to him. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“That’s how it sounded.” Jim tightens his lips and stares at Bones. “I enjoy having sex, in general, and especially with you, but that’s not all we are, even if maybe this started out that way. If all I wanted was orgasms, I could find someone to give them to me easily enough. That’s not all I want anymore, though. I’ve changed, and you still don’t seem to accept that.”
“Not this again. I know you’ve changed, Jim. I don’t doubt you. Hell, I haven’t even been worried that you’d get tired of waiting for me and find someone else,” he says, an admission that is a very pleasant surprise.
“You haven’t?” he asks before he can stop himself.
Bones looks at him and sighs. “Not for a few weeks, which isn’t a huge thing, but, well, for me, it is. Your past is always there, but I can see how you are now, how you are with me, and maybe I’m finally letting myself believe that it’s possible. Maybe I’ve always sort of known that you meant it but wasn’t ready to accept it until now. I don’t know. Everything’s kind of messed up in my head lately with this damn impotence thing.”
“If you believe in me, why won’t you trust me?” He rubs the back of his neck again. “I know that I shouldn’t have taken from you, even if you were offering, because it’s complicated things even more. It’s ended up making things worse for you, hasn’t it?”
“I do trust you. Damn it, Jim. I trust you more than anyone else in my life,” he says, moving his fingers into his hair and tugging in the way he does when he’s really frustrated. “But I’m a doctor, not a therapist. I can understand the biological causes of the problem, but not even my psychology classes help me figure out the mental shit when it’s me I’m trying to analyze.”
Jim wants to step forward and hug him, but he can’t touch. Not yet. “I think that I need you to understand how you’re making me feel,” he murmurs softly. “I can tell you, but you don’t see what you’re doing, so you’re not really understanding it.”
“What do you mean?” Bones reaches out to touch his face, and Jim moves so that he can’t. “So, what? I can’t touch you at all?”
“I don’t know.” Jim grimaces. “I can’t figure out what to do to make this better. I can’t keep having orgasms only to then be shut out because you’re upset and don’t want to let me in.”
“I’ve been honest with you from the start about this, before I even knew for sure that it was going to happen. We’ve talked about it more than I ever wanted to. How else can I let you in, kid?”
“We’re talked about it, but you haven’t let me do anything. I’m not just saying that I’m supportive because it’s expected of me, you know? I really am trying to be there for you. I’ve even done research. It’s not even just about how it feels for me, either, though having to discuss how I feel and admitting that isn’t the easiest thing in the world. It hurts me to see you dealing with this without letting me help. Why can’t you let me be here when you need me? God, Bones, I lo--” He trails off before he can finish because he suddenly realizes what he’s saying. What the hell? Where had that come from? He can see Bones’ look of surprise, which means he must have really been about to say what he thinks he was going to say and, fuck, he can’t breathe.
“Jim…” Bones starts then stops, running his hand over his face as he takes a deep breath. He’s staring at Jim as if he’s suddenly sprouted another head, and the look of confusion changes, going through several different emotions so fast that Jim can’t even catalog them all, and the unable to breathe thing becomes worse as he waits to hear what Bones is going to say. “Damn it, Jim. You’re hyperventilating. Breathe slowly. Are you feeling numb?”
“No,” he pants, trying to breathe slow but still having trouble. His eyes are starting to water, and he can feel heat in his face. What the hell is he thinking? That word. He’s never said that word to anyone except his mother and George, both of whom left him. If he says it now, Bones will leave him. His breathing becomes faster as his fingers twitch. It’s all Spock and Uhura’s fault. Them with their whole ‘in love’ bullshit that has made him try to define all these confusing things that he feels for Bones.
“I said slower, not faster, asshole,” Bones mutters. He reaches out to touch Jim’s shoulder, moving his hand along his neck until he’s cupping his jaw and chin. “Look at me. Breathe with me. In and out. Slow and easy.”
Jim looks at him and tries to follow his example. “You can’t leave me,” he says in between gasps of air. “I didn’t say it, so you can’t leave. Promise me you won’t leave.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Bones speaks firmly, in that stubborn tone of voice that Jim knows means he’s serious. “And stop ignoring me and getting more stressed, Jim. Breathe with me.” He takes several slow breaths, brushing his thumb over Jim’s cheek as they breathe together. “I’ve been with you through a lot of shitty times, kid. It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than a word to get rid of me.” Bones leans his forehead against Jim’s, still breathing with him. “I do, too,” he whispers.
“Yeah?” Jim murmurs softly, reaching out to grip Bones’ shoulder. “I think I may throw up on you.”
“Yeah. Kind of a lot, if we’re being completely honest.” Bones is still speaking so quietly that Jim can barely hear him, and he realizes that maybe he isn’t the only one having difficulty using that particular word to describe what they feel for each other. Bones strokes his back as they keep breathing. “No vomiting. Just calm down, darlin’.”
“I’m calming down,” he says slowly, realizing that it’s true. He’s said something he never expected to say to anyone else during his lifetime, and he’s heard it repeated back. Close enough, on both accounts. For some strange reason, he can’t help but smile, even as he tries to stop freaking out. “I do a lot, too.” He figures if they’re being honest, he should clarify that point. “Even if I only just now figured out that’s what it is.”
“And you’re supposed to be a genius,” Bones teases softly before he kisses Jim, a thorough kiss that definitely has his toes curling and his pulse racing. When he pulls back, Bones looks at him and smiles that crooked smile. “Why don’t we sit down and you can tell me about your research?” he suggests, looking slightly anxious but also interested.
“Really?” Jim studies his face, reaching over to touch his jaw. “I don’t want to force myself into this, but I also can’t just sit here doing nothing.”
“Why can you touch but I can’t?” Bones grumbles, twisting his head slightly so he can kiss Jim’s palm.
“You touched plenty yesterday,” he says simply. He doesn’t really feel that different, which is good because he’s still a little scared about the whole love thing. “As for my research, there isn’t much, but I’ve read about stressed-induced impotence, to see if there are things that I could do to make it easier on you. I’ve been doing some of them, like trying to create an intimate environment, which I did yesterday in your office. Before it became more sexual and all.”
“So that explains all the kissing and making out,” Bones murmurs, reaching up to catch Jim’s hand in his. “I wasn’t going to complain about it, but I was curious since you don’t normally go slow.”
“I don’t, do I?” He frowns and moves his fingers around Bones’, squeezing his hand as they stand facing each other. “I like it, though. Taking my time with you and enjoying you. It’s nice, even if I enjoy the other times, too.”
“What else have you discovered in your research?” Bones asks as he gently pulls Jim over to the sofa. Jim sits beside him and keeps holding his hand as he talks about the intimacy and communication and identifying stress factors that he’s learned about. It isn’t going to immediately fix anything, but it feels like it’s a good start.
End
#15: Friendly Conversation | #17: Like Falling