(no subject)
Insecurity has won me over, finally. I'm going crazy inside and I have no trust in me left to confide and even if I did... what would I say anyway, to anyone at all? I don't have any friends anymore. My life is boring. Something like a waste of space. I just want to be away from really almost everything right now. I have to find myself. Get myself back here somehow. Somehow soon too. I miss Garcia, Caitlin, Whitney, Josh, David, Maria and Albert. I miss Malayny, Krystal and my old friends from Villa. Lately it seems like I've got no time to anything at all anymore. I hate it. I feel kind of denied and pushed away some times. I miss the days I'd skate or ride to elmwood with Josh when I'd just sit at spot for hours at a time with Deandrea. I guess I'm just letting my insecurities get the best of me. I'm doing shitty in school and I know I'm not doing my best but I don't want to do anything really, except be with Lindsey but I can't expect her and I don't expect her to want the same thing. She has her own life, her own friends and I can't make her follow mine around, or follow her around either, she has her own worries and she knows she can come to me when she needs to talk about anything.
I really miss Caitlin Evans a lot though. She was the biggest part of my life. I miss her and her advise and when she'd yell at me to get something through my head. How she'd make me laugh when she wasn't even trying. I miss that she's gone to Hobart William and Smith and that I don't speak to her anymore. That I've lost all contact with her. She was the one who saved me time and time again from myself... she's no longer around though. I have to make do with what I've got though, I suppose. I'm trooping through this. I will make it.
I read livejournals and I get depressed. I cried reading livejournal comments... I don't want the future to come. I don't want to live in my past and I don't really feel like keeping up with right now either. I have a lot of growing up to do. I wish I were perfect, but who's perfect and how much fun would that be? That's what everyone says... but I'd rather be perfect than be me right now. Have no flaws. Be skinny. Be funny. Be fun. Be a good person all around. I'm not. I'm shallow. I'm stupid, fat and lame... I'm annoying and hurtful when I want to be. I don't mean to be though. I'm sorry. This is an incompitant journal entry. I'll be better in like 20 minutes... or tomorrow. Or something. I just feel like I'm losing myself and the people around me, the people who molded me to who I am and without them it's hard. I just don't feel like I trust myself or anyone around me anymore. I'm scared of the future really. With all this talk about it lately, I've been really really worn down from all that shit. That's all I guess. I'll get things straightened out eventually.
P.S. The snow right now, really makes me happy. A lot though. :) Hooray.