Title: The Hazing of the Shrew
Fandom: Real Person Fic - J2
Characters/Pairings: Jared/Jensen, Misha Collins, Jeffrey Dean Morgan
Genre: Schmoop
Rating: R for Boys Being Boys.
Word Count: 3,453
Author’s Note: Written for
catpantsss and
tamingthemuse prompt # 169 - Playground. Beta’d by her sister,
wutendeskind…isn’t that squishy? ETA 5/7/2013: Thanks to
eos_rose, you can now read this in epub format
here.
Summary: In an attempt to get a little bit more alone time, Jensen convinces Jared to help him distract Misha by putting him through hazing before he can officially become part of “the group”.
Dedication:
Catherinecakes. Babyschmooperscuddlybuns. Boofacedarlingangelhead!
I MISS YOU SO MUCH, BABY. Ok, so, after how much you spoiled me with your adorable cuteness last week for my birthday, this probably seems like THE WORLD’S MOST EPIC FAIL BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER. But please know that I put my heart into it for you, and I am saving up my money so that I can come see you and your beautiful, smiling face for Thanksgiving. Hopefully that is a satisfactory present to you and not an “Oh, God, I have to deal with that shrimpy bitch again?” kind of thing. When trying to decide what to write for your big day, I remembered that you were particularly excited by this plot bunny, so I was all “yeah, do it.” Anyway, my point here was: I Love you so much even though you fail at assigning Bert and Ernie to Jared and Jensen and I miss you more than pretty much anything else back home ever. I cannot wait to see you again, but until I do, let Jared and Jensen serve as a substitute for me-curl up with this story in bed and spoon it as you have so often spooned me, BB Cat :D. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
How does a story like this come to pass, you ask? It all started when
wutendeskind sent me this:
wutendeskind: What, exactly, do you think is going on in this picture?
Cherie_morte: …Misha is being hazed by J2?
wutendeskind: It begs to be written.
One bad idea, coming right up.
It was never like this with Jeff. Jeff was awesome. If it hadn’t been for Jeff, it could have been years before Jared and Jensen got together. Instead it was, what, a few months?
By the time Jeff actually started shooting with them, Jared and Jensen had already been doing the “sitting in the car all day” thing for weeks…so they were pretty close. Also, it had only taken about ten minutes for Jensen to decide Jared was his new favorite person, and Jared (maybe because Jared has a way of making everyone feel like they’re his favorite person) hadn’t behaved much differently. But the gay thing wasn’t as obvious and Jensen isn’t a moron, he would have gotten it eventually, but he really appreciates not wasting time being oblivious.
Jeff had spent one afternoon with them and figured them out. After that, he would ask Jensen every night, “So, did you tell him yet?” and Jensen would say “Tell who what?” and Jeff would pat him on the back and shake his head as if Jensen’s confusion was the funniest damn thing he’d ever seen in his life. And then one day, Jared snuck up on Jensen and glomped him just as he was walking Jeff to the door, waiting for Jeff to ask his creepy question. Jeff didn’t ask for the first time in months, he just laughed a little and nodded at Jensen as he closed the door. And then Jensen was like “Whoa!” and “I get it!” and long story short, he and Jared have a lot of sex since then.
When Jeff hung out with them, they would always have a great time and he never felt like an intruder. Even after Jensen and Jared got together, Jeff was always wonderful at knowing exactly when to leave. He would come and watch a game, have a few beers, and immediately notice when Jared and Jensen started getting ideas and making eyes at each other and then he would make his escape.
Sometimes, he would go out of his way to make what he was up to really hilariously obvious. Jeff and Jared were two of Jensen’s favorite people, but the poor guys had never been taught about tact. “Hey, look at that, we’re out of crackers! So I’m going to go buy some crackers, and you guys just call me if you feel like eating crackers at some point tonight. Otherwise, I’ll just stay home and eat my crackers and you guys can eat something else.” Jared and Jensen nearly always called Jeff for crackers within the next few hours; Jeff was just that great to be around.
Jensen got laid a lot back then and he misses those simpler times. He misses Jeff. With this new guy around instead, Jensen’s starting to think it’ll be years before he and Jared ever get together again. Having Misha on set is like having a more shrewish version of his mother around making sure her baby isn’t having any sex. Jeff was more like the dad whose birds-and-bees speech consisted of “go get ‘em, tiger!” or something equally inappropriate.
Yeah, Jeff was really, really awesome.
“Remember that thing where everyone always tells you you’re a bitch and you don’t believe them?”
“I’m not just being a bitch,” Jensen grumbles weakly, but Jared continues over him.
“Well, you’re doing it again. You’re just being a bitch.”
“I’m not just being a bitch, dude, the guy is insufferable!”
“You only think that because you’re a bitch.”
“Whatever, I’m a bitch then. You only like him because you have no standards.”
“Hey, I totally have standards!”
Jensen opens his mouth and then closes it. He’s burning to ask just what the hell criteria Chad fucking Michael Murray was able to meet, but Jared is surprisingly good at withholding sex to make a point, and the last time Jensen made a comment about Jared’s other best friend, he went three days ungroped.
“Look, Jay, here’s the thing. My dick is about to shrivel off from lack of use, and when my dick is on the line, you’d better believe I’m going to be a little bitchy.”
“Come on, Jen. I swear, he’s pretty cool. He’s funny and smart and a little crazy, even for us, but you guys are supposed to be in some kind of giant love affair on the show, so you’re going to have to spend a lot of time with him whether you want to or not.”
“I hate this show. I’m always stuck with the losers while you get to sit in the car with my gorgeous face all day, or run around with hot chicks.”
Jared responds by nuzzling his nose against Jensen’s forehead and kissing Jensen so tenderly that his insides get all stupidly bubbly. Jensen is a little in love with Jared doing things like that, and will literally never get tired of it. So he swats Jared away.
“Dude, you’re acting like a girl.”
Jared smiles, gives Jensen another sweet little kiss, and lets one rip. Then he pins Jensen under the covers and Jared weighs 6,000 pounds so Jensen can do nothing except attempt to claw his way out, asphyxiate, and ask himself what the hell he disliked about girly Jared enough to say something snarky, because at least that Jared wasn’t a gigantic prick like real Jared.
“Let me go and I swear, I’ll do anything! I’ll suck Misha’s freaking dick if you want me to.”
Jared pulls the covers down and Jensen scrambles out of bed, gasping for air.
“How about you just start by not glaring from your angry little corner when he comes over?”
“Yeah, yeah, fine. I’ll give the guy a chance, happy?”
“Immensely.” Jared flops back onto his pillow and then makes a face. “Wow, man, that smells awful.”
Jensen just glares.
Jensen is proud to say he does give Misha a chance. In fact, he gives Misha six chances. In four days. Because Misha will. not. stop. coming over and that’s the whole problem.
So finally, finally it’s the weekend and there’s no third party to follow them home from the set. Jensen is going to do filthy, filthy things to celebrate. They’ve spent the entire day in seclusion-drinking beers and watching crap television while tangled on the couch-and they have not heard once from anyone even distantly related to the show, including the new guy.
Jared gets up to let the dogs out and Jensen follows behind Harley, who follows behind Sadie, who is loyally trotting at Jared’s heels. Both of the dogs get affection and a scratch behind the ears as Jared lets them out, and Jensen closes the door behind him, huffing dramatically.
“What’s wrong now, Ice Princess?” Jared asks, sitting casually on the patio wall.
Jensen moves to stand in front of him and Jared wraps his arms around Jensen’s waist.
“I get no attention,” Jensen mourns dramatically, which is ridiculous and he knows it, because Jared’s looked at practically nothing else since they woke up. Jared smiles and tugs Jensen down into a kiss, and it’s nice. It lasts long enough that the dogs return and start trying to jump on Jared before it’s over.
“I guess they’re about done out here,” Jared says, all business. “Would you like to come inside?”
“That can be taken in more than one way, you know. I‘d like to know just which invitation I’m getting.”
Jared looks speculative for several seconds. “Both.” And then with more conviction, as if he’s just convinced himself, he nods and repeats, “Both.”
Jensen rushes to the door, sure that his smile borders on manic, and ushers the dogs inside. Jared gets up to follow them and then freezes and Jensen is pretty sure that there are a few circumstances where homicide is a perfectly acceptable display of anger, and this has to be one of those times.
“Guys, are you in the back?” They can hear Misha yelling from around the house and it’s obvious he heard their voices and they can’t just pretend they aren’t home.
“I hate that fucking guy,” Jensen growls and for a moment, Jared looks supportive.
“Be nice,” Jared says maternally, but he’s clearly not just talking to Jensen anymore.
Jensen’s plan is a simple one. He needs Jared on board because he really likes getting blowjobs, and he won’t if he’s caught being a dick to Misha without Jared’s say-so. He briefly pauses to ask himself when in his life he allowed himself to get pussy-whipped by a guy but it doesn’t really matter, because he very clearly is.
Jared’s well on his way to being sympathetic to his cause after the Saturday Backyard Fiasco, but Jensen needs to make sure Jared’s not going to change his mind. So, he does something bad. Only a little bad. Really, it’s not any worse than Jared holding out on him to get his way. He just forgets to mention that Misha was talking to him about coming over at around this time when he settles down to give Jared a blowjob.
Jensen means no offense to Jared’s blowjobs, seriously, because they’re great. But he would really like to get one from himself. He’s not a vain guy usually, he just knows what he looks like, and his lips can only be described as pornographic in the same way Jared’s hands can only be described as pornographic. Jensen can, from experience, write a full-length book on the things those hands are capable of. So he’s pretty fucking sure that his blowjobs are of the highest quality and knows that Jared will not be overjoyed to be disturbed during one.
Jensen paces himself slowly and a few minutes into it, the phone rings. Jensen pauses and looks up at Jared as if saying “You gonna get that?” and Jared just puts an encouraging hand around Jensen’s neck and applies a little bit of pressure. Jensen finds it so sexy and is so fond of seeing Jared look at him with all that want that for a moment, he feels bad. The phone rolls over to the answering machine.
“Hey guys! It’s Misha! I’m on my way over for movie night; I’ve already got some beers so I should be there in like ten minutes!”
“Just keep going, I’m close. Mmm, don’t stop, Jen.”
Jensen keeps going and is kind of worried that his plan is going to backfire, but true to form, Misha shows up three minutes after announcing that he would be ten minutes and the knock at the door startles them both.
“He can’t…it hasn’t. Jen, he can’t.”
Jensen takes pity on Jared’s whiny tone. He pulls away from Jared’s dick with a little pop and hurries to the door, allowing Jared time to try to get himself back into his pants. He would have helped, but there’s no way that tucking what Jared’s packing into a pair of tight jeans is going to feel good, and Jensen does not want to be remembered as the guy responsible for that.
“Hey, look, Misha, now’s really not a good time.”
See? Jensen tried to get rid of him for Jared’s sake. That hadn’t been part of the plan.
“Hi, Jensen,” Misha says dismissively, shoving past Jensen and poking his head into the room. “Hey Jared!”
Jensen feels slighted and a little nervous.
“Hey, Misha, how are you?” Jensen’s really glad that he knows Jared enough to recognize the hidden bitterness in his tone. Misha doesn’t catch it; pretty much no one can catch it because Jared tries his hardest to hide it when he’s annoyed at someone. Jensen gets that Jared’s too nice for his own good, but in situations like this, he feels it is important to let people know they’re being obnoxious.
Jensen turns to face Jared and is amused to see him sitting on the couch, attempting to play it cool with the old pillow-over-the-stiffy trick.
“I’m not interrupting something?”
“No! Nope! Not at all.” And this time, Jensen thinks, Jared actually intends for Misha to hear the bitterness. But Misha is unflappable. Misha stays for a few hours and for the first time ever, Jensen’s the one being friendly while Jared does a respectable job of glaring from his angry little corner. Jensen knows he’s won.
“How can someone so smart be so fucking oblivious?!” Jared fumes pretty much the moment Misha’s out the door. “I mean, everyone fucking knows. Even the guest stars figure it out. He’s been around for weeks, I don’t believe for a moment that no one on the crew has been all ‘Oh, by the way, we don’t talk about it, but those two are totally fucking.’ SO WHAT THE FUCK?”
“Jay?”
“Yeah, baby?”
“Can we talk about this after we fuck? Because I’m right there with you, but dude.”
“Fuck yes.”
A little while later, Jared and Jensen are tangled up-spent and quite pleased with themselves, and Jensen’s head is resting on Jared’s chest as he tries to run through the battle plan.
“Ok, so let me get this straight. You want to haze the new guy? And this is supposed to keep him busy so that we have time to fool around?”
Jared fits a lot of stereotypes. Of the few that aren’t dog breeds, frat boy is at the top of the list. Jensen can hear the excitement thinly veiled by Jared’s “I’m still not convinced” tone.
“Come on, Jay. We never got to go to college. We never got to be frat boys. You know we would have been the most awesome pledge masters ever. It’s like God has given us a second chance.”
“Can we invent our own frat? I’ll think of some really clever pun with Greek letters and we can get them tattooed somewhere only we’ll see, and it’ll be super awesome and romantic.”
“You are such a nerd,” Jensen mourns.
Of course, Jared never thinks of anything he considers to be clever enough, but the idea does keep him occupied for the next week. Pranks are Jared’s playground and Jensen knew when he got the idea that it would appeal to Jared’s inner five-year-old. That’s why he’d gone with this plan instead of the others (though he still has Operation Kill That Guy and Hide the Body in mind just in case this idea doesn’t work).
“I have to do what?”
“Well, Misha, it’s like this. We think you’re pretty cool, and we want you to be one of us. See, we’ve got a clique thing going, Jeff started it ages ago and he initiated us and gave us permission to initiate anyone else who we thought deserved it, and who proved themselves worthy. We haven’t really passed the torch until now.”
“But it’s not as easy as us just saying ‘Oh, yeah, Misha’s cool.’ You know? And that’s why you have to do this.”
“So you want me to walk into a grocery store half naked and ask a complete stranger to take a picture of me dumping yogurt on my face?”
“Yeah, man, it’s very important.”
“And you guys had to do this, too?”
“Jared did it just last week. I mean, it wasn’t yogurt, but same idea.”
Jensen glances in Jared’s direction expecting him to be caught off guard and making some kind of hilarious indignant face, but Jared’s smile just widens as if he’s looking back on happier times.
“Well, alright, I’ll let you guys haze me into your group or whatever, but you know, fraternities are totally homoerotic.”
“Yeah, Misha, we couldn’t agree more.” Misha still seems to miss Jensen’s point. The guy is downright impressive.
Jensen and Jared had time to exchange pretty satisfying blowjobs in the time it took Misha to go out and get the picture, and Jensen has to admit, the guy surprised him by actually going through with it. Not that Jensen likes him or anything. He just maybe respects him a little more when he’s less sexually repressed.
“But won’t Kripke be pissed if I’m late back from break?”
“Misha, man, this is serious. Driving While Intoxicated costs people their lives.”
“But do I really have to be dressed as Mrs. Claus, too?”
“Your message will get more attention that way.”
Jensen is a little too struck by Jared’s mean streak to say anything, but he definitely is going to let Jared have his way with him several times over during the four hour break before they all have to get back on set.
“I always felt that DUI sounds better than DWI,” Jensen whispers to Jared as Misha walks off to get dressed.
“Just wait for it.”
“What do you mean?”
Misha comes out, dressed all in red, and waves cheerfully at Jared and Jensen before making his way to the protest down the street.
“Does the back of his shirt say ‘Don’t Drive Without Influence’?”
Jared shrugs.
“You’re sending him to a rally against drinking and driving in a shirt encouraging drinking and driving?”
Jared erupts into laughter and Jensen makes a mental note to never come between Jared and a blowjob.
Misha is a good sport, Jensen will admit that. He takes all of the embarrassing shit Jared throws at him without a drop of shame and adds his own flavor to what was already supposed to be humiliating enough. In fact, Misha seems to be having more fun with the whole thing than Jared and Jensen are. Which is fine, Jensen’s not so evil he requires Misha to feel punished, all he really cares about is Misha staying away long enough for him to get some sex and maybe a little bit of cuddling into his life.
“I am proud to say that today, you become a man,” Jared begins seriously and Misha nods proudly, standing at attention. Jensen watches them with his hand over his eyes and can’t believe how far they both ended up taking his idea. Theatre nerds, Jensen thinks, shaking his head.
“Today, you will officially become one of us, if-“
“IF?! I thought I’d finished all the ifs!” Poor Misha really does sound excited to be invited into whatever little group Jared has invented.
“Well, there’s one more thing to becoming a man, and that’s becoming a woman.”
“I don’t follow.” But Misha puts a speculative look on his face as if he likes the sound of whatever crazy Jared is cooking up.
“You must come to the cast party tonight dressed like a lady, and then you will officially be one of us.”
“Are you trying to recruit me to the gay thing? Because you know I’m married, right?”
“YOU KNEW?” Jensen suddenly asks, jumping up in fury.
“What? Oh, only since about…two minutes after I met you. You guys are like, more obvious than Elton John.”
“So what the fuck were all the interruptions about if you knew you were interrupting?!”
“Oh, I don’t know, it just amused me to watch you guys make those crazy eye faces. I wanted to see how long it would be before you cracked and did something drastic, though I gotta say; I like the frat thing, very creative!”
“Thanks! Totally Jensen’s idea.”
Jensen glares at Jared and Jared puts on a stern face.
“Sorry, that’s not what I meant. What I meant was, that was a totally dick move, Misha.”
“Thanks!” Misha’s shit-eating grin kind of reminds Jensen of Jared’s shit-eating grin and before he knows it, the three of them are standing around laughing so hard they can’t breathe.
“By the way, you guys need to keep your fucking inside if you don’t want everyone on the planet to know, because your neighbors have been asking all kinds of questions about what exactly it is they’re hearing and you’re lucky I’m really good at bullshitting.”
That’s when Jensen gets it. Misha has tact. Of course he thought Misha was a douche, because Misha’s a lot like him, and maybe Jensen really is as bitchy as Jared keeps telling him he is.
“Alright, so you’re not-so-bad.”
“And you can totally hang out with us without dressing like a girl tonight,” Jared adds, though somewhat reluctantly.
The three of them hang out until a couple of hours before the party. Misha shows up dressed like a girl anyway. He’s wearing an apron and a crown, and, apparently, spends most of the night “freezing my balls off as penance for nearly costing you yours.” Jensen’s suddenly aware that Misha’s a little bit fucking awesome, though in a totally different way from Jeff.
[6]