Supernatural: All That's Done's Forgiven
Title: All That’s Done’s Forgiven
Fandom: Supernatural
Characters/Pairings: Adam, Sam/Dean
Genre: OPOV, Hurt/Comfort
Rating: PG-13 for Language and Implied Sexuality
Word Count: 3,381
Author’s Note: Written as a pinch hit for taelynhawker at the samdeanexchange. I tried to hit as many of your interests as possible, focusing on these: “possessive!boys, protective!boys, desperate-for-each-other!boys, Good mix of brother/lover relationship, Schmoopy but not out of character, Outside POV.” And the prompt I am writing from is: “You gave up the fight, you left me behind, all that's done's forgiven” because I saw it and I COULD NOT STOP thinking of 5x18 Sammy…and then I looked up the song and I was like “This was totally written about that episode before the episode aired, no one will ever convince me otherwise.” I hope you like this! <3! Thank you to cacklesthewitch for the beta and coyotesuspect for racing me through half of this so I could finally get it done. ETA 5/7/2013: Thanks to eos_rose, you can now read this in epub format here.
Summary: Adam POV: The angels told Adam a lot of things about his brothers-he hadn’t thought for a minute this part was true. (Slight AU from 5x18 in which they get Adam out before Michael shows up.)
Original Link: http://community.livejournal.com/samdeanexchange/18177.html
Adam lies back in a daze. He’s exhausted. He’s in pain. He’s not used to this like they are.
He doesn’t know how his brothers managed to carry him far enough to find a car-Sam should be just as bad off as he is, but he’s the one who insisted he could make it out alone and pushed Dean back for Adam.
He’s half asleep in the back the entire ride; he might as well not be there. He hears their conversation through a blur and the parts he catches don’t make sense to him. They talk about things Adam can’t connect to the broken pair he’d met in the morning. They’re strangers to him all over again.
When they don’t talk, Adam thinks they say just as much. It doesn’t matter if it’s silence or teasing or promises he overhears. It’s all in a language Adam will never speak.
He finally passes out three hours into the ride. He sleeps so long they’re in South Dakota when he wakes up. Even sharing the driving, it shouldn’t have been possible without stopping in a motel, but Adam knows they didn’t. Somehow, he’s still more tired than either of them by the time they’ve helped him limp his way inside.
They spread him out on the same couch he’d come back to life on and they must think he’s completely out of it, because they immediately start whispering to each other like they’re alone in the room.
“What happened?” Adam mostly knows the answer, but he asks to remind them he’s there. Dean turns an annoyed look on him, but Sam does his best to smile. He walks over to Adam and takes a seat next to him.
“Angels messed you up pretty bad back there. We got you out, though. You’re gonna be fine. You need some rest and Bobby’ll stitch you up. Maybe we can get Cas to help if…”
“If he’s not dead,” Dean finally finishes when it becomes clear that Sam isn’t going to.
“And then what?”
“Then I guess you go back to school.”
“After everything that’s happened? I don’t think so.”
“Yeah, well, we do.”
Sam makes a face, as if he’s annoyed Dean’s putting words in his mouth.
“You can decide what you want when you’re better, alright? Let’s just get you there before we make any rash decisions.”
Sam does his best to mask the fact that he’s directing this at Adam and that he thinks his brother will change his mind about not wanting to go back to his old life as soon as he’s given it five minutes.
“I don’t need to think about it. I’m going to help you guys. You saved my life, and now it’s my fight, too-“
“It ain’t your fight and I’m not gonna let it be. You’re going back to school and that’s final.”
“I’m old enough to make choices for myself.”
“Not when they involve you getting killed.”
There’s a tense minute in which Adam stares at his brother defiantly and Dean just stares back. Adam is about to shout again, he sees Dean tensing up-angry, annoyed, and more than a little terrifying. Adam knows he’s fighting a losing battle because Dean doesn’t waver and Adam doesn’t think anything can change his mind.
Sam gets up and walks across the room before either of them responds. He pulls Dean close, presses his lips to Dean’s ear-Adam doesn’t hear what he says, but he almost thinks there’s more than words, swears he sees Sam’s lips brush Dean’s neck softly as he pulls away. He definitely lingers for a moment too long. It’s not the kind of kiss brothers should share, if kissing your brother is ever normal. Adam shakes his head and convinces himself it was just the way they were angled.
Whatever Sam says, the effect is instantaneous. Adam watches Dean’s expression go from stormy to a perfect calm. Adam never would have believed his eldest brother could look like that until Sam brought it out of him. It doesn’t make sense. Dean seems like he could stand up against anything, a few words from his little brother have him trembling like a lamb.
Dean swallows as Sam walks out of the room. He looks at Adam pointedly once they’re alone. “You can do whatever the hell you want, but you’re not getting involved in our mess. You’ll get yourself killed, and you’ll get us killed.”
Adam wants to argue, but Dean’s tone is no longer threatening-he’s done with the conversation and any attempt to keep the argument going from Adam’s end would be futile. Dean’s collected now and Adam hates to admit his brother might have a point. Adam gives a noncommittal shrug and Dean exits to the study looking for Bobby.
Adam sits alone for a while, wondering. The angels had hinted at things about Sam and Dean, awful things. Adam hadn’t even completely believed them when he was listening to their orders. As soon as Zachariah had revealed the truth, Adam had dismissed everything the angel told him, especially those parts. Brothers don’t do what Sam and Dean were accused of. But Brothers don’t do what Adam watched them do for each other in that warehouse, either.
“You doin’ alright?” Sam is by his side again. Adam hadn’t even heard him come in. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to that.
“I mean, how do we define alright?”
Sam holds a beer out to Adam and smiles. “Usually we try not to. It gets kind of morbid.”
Adam laughs, accepting his brother’s peace offering.
“I was a jerk.”
“Easy mistake.” Sam genuinely looks like he’s forgiven Adam, which is one massive load off his shoulders. “Anyone would have made it.”
“You wouldn’t have.”
“I’m a little stubborn, you’ll understand in a few days.”
“Dean didn’t make it.”
Sam’s expression goes fond and he shakes his head. “Dean is…well, tip from one little brother to another, don’t compare yourself to Dean. It, uh, it’s…also depressing.”
“Things sure have gotten bleak since you guys popped up in my life.”
“We tend to have that effect.”
Adam raises his beer in a mock toast and Sam mirrors the action with his own drink.
“You shouldn’t have come back for me, you know. It would have been my own damn fault if they’d sent me back to the grave. Or whatever they were going to do.”
“We’re always going to come for you, alright? We screwed up the first time. We didn’t know. But…you’ve got big brothers now and that means you’ll be okay.”
Adam thinks Sam’s more than a little ridiculous, but he decides against saying anything. Someone read him one too many fairy tales as a kid and Adam’s pretty sure it wasn’t their dad.
“Dean doesn’t like me.”
“Of course he does.”
“Come on, I’m not nine.”
“Dean just takes some warming up.”
“I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t like me, either.”
“I think you two are a little bit alike.” Sam frowns and picks at the label on his bottle. “It’ll take Dean some time to like you. Don’t take it personally.”
“I owe him a lot and all I’ve done to say thank you is start a fight. I mean, he saved my life.”
“That’s what Dean does.” Sam pats Adam on the leg as he gets up. “And he’s never been very good at accepting thank yous. Not unless they’re attached to busty blondes, at least.”
Adam thinks Sam’s laughter sounds more bitter than genuinely amused.
“I’m gonna go figure out the bed situation. Shouldn’t have you on a couch if we can help it. You’ll probably take one of the twins that Bobby bought when Dean and I started spending summers here and Dean and I will Rock, Paper, Scissors to see who ends up on the couch.”
In fifteen minutes, Sam’s collected everyone in the living room to talk logistics: meals, sleeping arrangements, battle plans. Adam is astonished by how run-of-the-mill the Apocalypse seems to the group of hunters. It’s about half an hour before they make it to the bed conversation.
“One of you boys can take the master upstairs,” Bobby says. “Can’t sleep up there anymore.”
Dean opens his mouth to make what Adam is pretty sure was going to be a handicap joke before Bobby sends him a withering glare and Dean’s mouth snaps shut immediately. Apparently Dean is easier to control than Heaven and Adam had assumed.
“Adam should have it.” Sam’s face splits into a shit-eating grin. “He’s crippled, too.”
Dean barks out a laugh. “That’s my boy.”
Sam looks more like a third grader who just got a hard question right than a full grown man who amused his brother.
“Sure he shouldn’t take one of the twins? One of you boys oughta be there in case something happens to him in the night.”
Dean glares. “He’ll be fine.”
“I’ll be fine,” Adam agrees.
“Maybe Bobby’s right.”
Dean turns to Sam and repeats his last words as if Sam is missing something.
“Just to be safe, though, it’s nice that you volunteered to babysit tonight.” Bobby wheels out of the room before Dean can protest.
Dean looks at Sam accusingly; Sam’s response is entirely unapologetic. He leaves the room to get ready for bed and Dean looks at Adam like it was all his idea before he wishes him a good night.
It’s late when Adam wakes up, or early, depending on how you define those morning hours. He awakes to the sound of a door closing softly and looks over to see Dean’s left his bed. He knows he shouldn’t follow, but Adam has to know.
Dean is already turning the doorknob to Sam’s room by the time Adam sticks his head into the hall. He follows as quietly as he can and manages to make it to the door in time to stop it a crack open. There’s a lamp on by the bed and Sam is sitting at the edge.
“Hey,” Dean whispers as he enters the room.
“Shame on you. You’re supposed to be taking care of the kid.”
Sam’s chastisement is halfhearted at best. He knew Dean was coming; he was waiting up.
“You take care of the fucking kid. I’ve had it with looking out for him.”
“C’mon, you don’t mean that.”
“Maybe I do. We risk our necks to go get him and he thanks us by refusing to listen to good advice? I’ve been trying to talk sense into him all day.”
“Would you listen if you were him, Dean? He’s got nothing left but us and he thinks he can help. It’s not his fault he doesn’t know better yet. He’ll see reason, okay? You gotta take it easy on him.”
“That’s easy for you to say, Sam.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means your little brother got to go to baseball games. Mine didn’t.”
Sam muffles a laugh in his hand. “Seriously? Are you still jealous because Dad was nice to him for two days out of the year?”
“That’s not what I meant. I meant he gets to go back to something neither of us ever had a chance for and he’s trying to throw it away for no-”
“For family. Just like you would do, Dean.”
“Goddamn, Sammy. You’re so fucking sensitive.”
“I know what your problem with him is. I think it’s cute.”
“Oh, bite me.”
Sam’s expression suddenly gets serious and he looks up. Adam sees Dean’s shoulders tense when their eyes meet.
“You have nothing to be jealous about. You’ve got me, just you.”
The air in the room seems to thicken around the two men and Dean shakes his head as he takes a step towards the bed. “I know what it’s like to have a little brother, Sam. I don’t think…it’s not his fault. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to like him. I don’t want you to have it. If you care about someone the way I care about you…”
“Shh. Don’t be ridiculous, idiot. You know that what we have…it’s not like that, okay? So stop being jealous and give him a chance. He likes you. I think you’re hurting his feelings.”
“I think I’m hurting your feelings. You have so many feelings, I can’t keep track of-“
“Promise you’ll be nicer. For me?”
Dean scoffs. “Yeah, yeah, alright. But I still say this babysitting him overnight business is stupid. He’s fine. I know when someone’s in trouble and he’s gonna be fine.”
“I know.”
“Then why’d you back Bobby up? I feel like an idiot tiptoeing over here in the middle of the night.”
Sam smirks. “I got us the king bed, didn’t I?”
“You sly fox,” Dean replies, sounding proud.
He finally bridges the space between himself and his brother. Adam watches Dean tilt Sam’s face up to his.
“I’ve missed you, Sammy.”
“I was right here, Dean. Right next to you the whole time.”
“Yeah, well…I wasn’t.”
Sam looks away, Adam swears his expression is guilty. Dean responds by straddling his brother and Adam knows for sure, the way Dean’s head moves down-it’s not a weird angle, it’s a kiss.
“My fault, Sam. Don’t look like that.” The words hardly tumble out of his mouth before Sam’s hand comes up and his fingers wrap around the back of Dean’s neck, pulling him in roughly without a moment’s hesitation.
Adam thinks: that’s it. That answers the question; he now knows more than he ever wanted to know. He should go back to bed and try to forget-but it’s like a train wreck and Adam can’t blink, let alone leave.
Sam’s other hand pushes up the back of Dean’s shirt and Dean’s fingers cup Sam’s face in a way Adam is somehow sure Dean never has, and never will, hold anyone else. It’s wrong, Adam knows that. They’re brothers. Shit, they’re his brothers and they do this and Adam can’t even process it.
Yesterday, he was jealous of them. He heard that they had a father and they’d been taught what to do if a monster came for them like one had come for Adam. He thought they’d been taken care of, that they’d had a life he wanted. But that life led to this. Adam wonders if it’s worse to be alone the way he was, or to get so close to someone you can’t stay away from them, not even when it’s dangerous and dirty and all the things Adam is thinking as he watches Sam and Dean moan into each other’s mouths.
The answer should be plain. Wrong, he keeps having to remind himself. It’s so, so wrong. But he’s still watching it and some part of him almost wants to admit it’s beautiful.
“Sammy, I want-“
Sam pauses. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. Fuck, yes.”
“It’s been a while.”
“Like I don’t know that.”
“Almost a year, Dean.”
“So?”
“So…I. I’ve done things. And now you know about them. It’s not like I don’t know why you stopped…we don’t have to again. I get it.”
“Sam. Please.”
Adam hears more in those two words than he thinks he heard in any of the long conversations Sam and Dean shared between California and South Dakota. There are promises, apologies, forgiveness, pleas…things Adam won’t even pretend to know how to name. Adam knows Sam will say yes without waiting to hear his answer or see his response. He closes the door as quietly as he can, grateful that his brothers are too wrapped up in each other to realize they hadn’t been alone.
He goes to bed and tries not to hear the noises down the hall. When he wakes up, Dean is back in the bed across from his and Adam thinks for a moment that maybe it was a dream. A really vivid and incredibly fucked-up dream.
He walks over and sees his brother’s face, there’s a tiny smile on his lips and his fingers are tangled in the spare fabric at the end of his pillowcase, as if it was short strands of brown hair. Adam knows it was real.
He gets downstairs and finds that Sam is already up, sitting at the kitchen table with a newspaper and a cup of coffee. Adam had been hoping not to have to face either of his brothers for a while, so he’s more than a little disappointed when Sam looks up at him and smiles.
“Good morning.”
“Morning.”
“Did you sleep well?”
“Uhh.” Adam directs his attention to the floor. “Sure, yeah.” He can’t quite bring himself to ask Sam the question in return.
Sam pushes the seat opposite himself out with his foot and Adam sits down.
“Feeling better?”
“I know about you and Dean.”
“Excuse me?”
“You and Dean are…I know. Last night, I-how can you? I mean, Christ, you guys are brothers.”
Sam looks at the table and stays silent for a long time. Finally he lets out a short breath.
“I’m sorry that you found out. Can’t imagine that was pleasant for you,” Sam really does sound sorry and he frowns as if it’s not pleasant for him, either. “We didn’t mean for you to know. I guess we should have been more careful.”
“I guess you shouldn’t be fucking your brother.”
“You have no right to talk to me like that.”
“You know, actually, I have a lot more right to talk to you however I want than you do to-“
“You don’t understand. That’s fine. We never would have asked you to.” It’s almost terrifying how calm Sam is about this. Adam has a feeling this isn’t the first time he’s had this conversation.
“Look, I wasn’t kidding when I told you that you were lucky not to be raised like we were. Dean and I, you can’t imagine what our life was like, so you can’t judge what we do. Maybe it’s a lot of the things you want to call it right now, but he’s all I ever had and…” Sam looks Adam dead in the eye. His voice gets strong, takes on a challenging tone; Adam is immediately aware of exactly how dangerous his brother is. “We’re not sorry.”
Adam doesn’t know how to respond, but he’s spared the trouble of having to think of something when Dean enters the room lazily. He grabs Sam’s coffee off the table and makes a face as he takes a sip.
“What are you lecturing that poor kid about at freaking ten in the morning, Sam?” Dean asks, taking Sam’s coffee to the counter and beginning to add sugar.
Sam looks at Adam, silently questioning if they have an understanding. Adam nods. Sam smiles gratefully and then his expression changes to a sour glare at Dean.
“That’s mine, you know.”
“It sure was.” Dean smiles at Sam and winks at Adam. “You want eggs, Adam? There’s enough for two people and I’m starving.”
Adam accepts and sits in silence, watching as Dean prepares breakfast. Sam continues to read his paper for about five minutes before he finally accepts he’s not getting his coffee back and gets up to make another cup. They work well together, even as Sam is pretending to be annoyed and Dean takes every chance he gets to complicate his brother’s quest for caffeine.
Adam’s eggs come out first and Dean talks to him as he shovels down his own plate, acting as if there’s no one else in the room. Adam keeps waiting for Dean to offer Sam some of his breakfast and when Dean doesn’t, Adam does. Sam says “no, thank you” and goes on reading his paper until Dean finishes. Adam is putting his dish in the sink when Dean sets a plate down in front of Sam and squeezes his shoulder. Sam doesn’t look surprised.
Adam spends the rest of the day thinking about his brothers-what they do, why they do it. He can’t condone it. He can’t condemn it, either. All he knows for sure is that he wants to have as little to do with it as possible and he’s on a bus for home by nightfall.
Fandom: Supernatural
Characters/Pairings: Adam, Sam/Dean
Genre: OPOV, Hurt/Comfort
Rating: PG-13 for Language and Implied Sexuality
Word Count: 3,381
Author’s Note: Written as a pinch hit for taelynhawker at the samdeanexchange. I tried to hit as many of your interests as possible, focusing on these: “possessive!boys, protective!boys, desperate-for-each-other!boys, Good mix of brother/lover relationship, Schmoopy but not out of character, Outside POV.” And the prompt I am writing from is: “You gave up the fight, you left me behind, all that's done's forgiven” because I saw it and I COULD NOT STOP thinking of 5x18 Sammy…and then I looked up the song and I was like “This was totally written about that episode before the episode aired, no one will ever convince me otherwise.” I hope you like this! <3! Thank you to cacklesthewitch for the beta and coyotesuspect for racing me through half of this so I could finally get it done. ETA 5/7/2013: Thanks to eos_rose, you can now read this in epub format here.
Summary: Adam POV: The angels told Adam a lot of things about his brothers-he hadn’t thought for a minute this part was true. (Slight AU from 5x18 in which they get Adam out before Michael shows up.)
Original Link: http://community.livejournal.com/samdeanexchange/18177.html
Adam lies back in a daze. He’s exhausted. He’s in pain. He’s not used to this like they are.
He doesn’t know how his brothers managed to carry him far enough to find a car-Sam should be just as bad off as he is, but he’s the one who insisted he could make it out alone and pushed Dean back for Adam.
He’s half asleep in the back the entire ride; he might as well not be there. He hears their conversation through a blur and the parts he catches don’t make sense to him. They talk about things Adam can’t connect to the broken pair he’d met in the morning. They’re strangers to him all over again.
When they don’t talk, Adam thinks they say just as much. It doesn’t matter if it’s silence or teasing or promises he overhears. It’s all in a language Adam will never speak.
He finally passes out three hours into the ride. He sleeps so long they’re in South Dakota when he wakes up. Even sharing the driving, it shouldn’t have been possible without stopping in a motel, but Adam knows they didn’t. Somehow, he’s still more tired than either of them by the time they’ve helped him limp his way inside.
They spread him out on the same couch he’d come back to life on and they must think he’s completely out of it, because they immediately start whispering to each other like they’re alone in the room.
“What happened?” Adam mostly knows the answer, but he asks to remind them he’s there. Dean turns an annoyed look on him, but Sam does his best to smile. He walks over to Adam and takes a seat next to him.
“Angels messed you up pretty bad back there. We got you out, though. You’re gonna be fine. You need some rest and Bobby’ll stitch you up. Maybe we can get Cas to help if…”
“If he’s not dead,” Dean finally finishes when it becomes clear that Sam isn’t going to.
“And then what?”
“Then I guess you go back to school.”
“After everything that’s happened? I don’t think so.”
“Yeah, well, we do.”
Sam makes a face, as if he’s annoyed Dean’s putting words in his mouth.
“You can decide what you want when you’re better, alright? Let’s just get you there before we make any rash decisions.”
Sam does his best to mask the fact that he’s directing this at Adam and that he thinks his brother will change his mind about not wanting to go back to his old life as soon as he’s given it five minutes.
“I don’t need to think about it. I’m going to help you guys. You saved my life, and now it’s my fight, too-“
“It ain’t your fight and I’m not gonna let it be. You’re going back to school and that’s final.”
“I’m old enough to make choices for myself.”
“Not when they involve you getting killed.”
There’s a tense minute in which Adam stares at his brother defiantly and Dean just stares back. Adam is about to shout again, he sees Dean tensing up-angry, annoyed, and more than a little terrifying. Adam knows he’s fighting a losing battle because Dean doesn’t waver and Adam doesn’t think anything can change his mind.
Sam gets up and walks across the room before either of them responds. He pulls Dean close, presses his lips to Dean’s ear-Adam doesn’t hear what he says, but he almost thinks there’s more than words, swears he sees Sam’s lips brush Dean’s neck softly as he pulls away. He definitely lingers for a moment too long. It’s not the kind of kiss brothers should share, if kissing your brother is ever normal. Adam shakes his head and convinces himself it was just the way they were angled.
Whatever Sam says, the effect is instantaneous. Adam watches Dean’s expression go from stormy to a perfect calm. Adam never would have believed his eldest brother could look like that until Sam brought it out of him. It doesn’t make sense. Dean seems like he could stand up against anything, a few words from his little brother have him trembling like a lamb.
Dean swallows as Sam walks out of the room. He looks at Adam pointedly once they’re alone. “You can do whatever the hell you want, but you’re not getting involved in our mess. You’ll get yourself killed, and you’ll get us killed.”
Adam wants to argue, but Dean’s tone is no longer threatening-he’s done with the conversation and any attempt to keep the argument going from Adam’s end would be futile. Dean’s collected now and Adam hates to admit his brother might have a point. Adam gives a noncommittal shrug and Dean exits to the study looking for Bobby.
Adam sits alone for a while, wondering. The angels had hinted at things about Sam and Dean, awful things. Adam hadn’t even completely believed them when he was listening to their orders. As soon as Zachariah had revealed the truth, Adam had dismissed everything the angel told him, especially those parts. Brothers don’t do what Sam and Dean were accused of. But Brothers don’t do what Adam watched them do for each other in that warehouse, either.
“You doin’ alright?” Sam is by his side again. Adam hadn’t even heard him come in. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to that.
“I mean, how do we define alright?”
Sam holds a beer out to Adam and smiles. “Usually we try not to. It gets kind of morbid.”
Adam laughs, accepting his brother’s peace offering.
“I was a jerk.”
“Easy mistake.” Sam genuinely looks like he’s forgiven Adam, which is one massive load off his shoulders. “Anyone would have made it.”
“You wouldn’t have.”
“I’m a little stubborn, you’ll understand in a few days.”
“Dean didn’t make it.”
Sam’s expression goes fond and he shakes his head. “Dean is…well, tip from one little brother to another, don’t compare yourself to Dean. It, uh, it’s…also depressing.”
“Things sure have gotten bleak since you guys popped up in my life.”
“We tend to have that effect.”
Adam raises his beer in a mock toast and Sam mirrors the action with his own drink.
“You shouldn’t have come back for me, you know. It would have been my own damn fault if they’d sent me back to the grave. Or whatever they were going to do.”
“We’re always going to come for you, alright? We screwed up the first time. We didn’t know. But…you’ve got big brothers now and that means you’ll be okay.”
Adam thinks Sam’s more than a little ridiculous, but he decides against saying anything. Someone read him one too many fairy tales as a kid and Adam’s pretty sure it wasn’t their dad.
“Dean doesn’t like me.”
“Of course he does.”
“Come on, I’m not nine.”
“Dean just takes some warming up.”
“I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t like me, either.”
“I think you two are a little bit alike.” Sam frowns and picks at the label on his bottle. “It’ll take Dean some time to like you. Don’t take it personally.”
“I owe him a lot and all I’ve done to say thank you is start a fight. I mean, he saved my life.”
“That’s what Dean does.” Sam pats Adam on the leg as he gets up. “And he’s never been very good at accepting thank yous. Not unless they’re attached to busty blondes, at least.”
Adam thinks Sam’s laughter sounds more bitter than genuinely amused.
“I’m gonna go figure out the bed situation. Shouldn’t have you on a couch if we can help it. You’ll probably take one of the twins that Bobby bought when Dean and I started spending summers here and Dean and I will Rock, Paper, Scissors to see who ends up on the couch.”
In fifteen minutes, Sam’s collected everyone in the living room to talk logistics: meals, sleeping arrangements, battle plans. Adam is astonished by how run-of-the-mill the Apocalypse seems to the group of hunters. It’s about half an hour before they make it to the bed conversation.
“One of you boys can take the master upstairs,” Bobby says. “Can’t sleep up there anymore.”
Dean opens his mouth to make what Adam is pretty sure was going to be a handicap joke before Bobby sends him a withering glare and Dean’s mouth snaps shut immediately. Apparently Dean is easier to control than Heaven and Adam had assumed.
“Adam should have it.” Sam’s face splits into a shit-eating grin. “He’s crippled, too.”
Dean barks out a laugh. “That’s my boy.”
Sam looks more like a third grader who just got a hard question right than a full grown man who amused his brother.
“Sure he shouldn’t take one of the twins? One of you boys oughta be there in case something happens to him in the night.”
Dean glares. “He’ll be fine.”
“I’ll be fine,” Adam agrees.
“Maybe Bobby’s right.”
Dean turns to Sam and repeats his last words as if Sam is missing something.
“Just to be safe, though, it’s nice that you volunteered to babysit tonight.” Bobby wheels out of the room before Dean can protest.
Dean looks at Sam accusingly; Sam’s response is entirely unapologetic. He leaves the room to get ready for bed and Dean looks at Adam like it was all his idea before he wishes him a good night.
It’s late when Adam wakes up, or early, depending on how you define those morning hours. He awakes to the sound of a door closing softly and looks over to see Dean’s left his bed. He knows he shouldn’t follow, but Adam has to know.
Dean is already turning the doorknob to Sam’s room by the time Adam sticks his head into the hall. He follows as quietly as he can and manages to make it to the door in time to stop it a crack open. There’s a lamp on by the bed and Sam is sitting at the edge.
“Hey,” Dean whispers as he enters the room.
“Shame on you. You’re supposed to be taking care of the kid.”
Sam’s chastisement is halfhearted at best. He knew Dean was coming; he was waiting up.
“You take care of the fucking kid. I’ve had it with looking out for him.”
“C’mon, you don’t mean that.”
“Maybe I do. We risk our necks to go get him and he thanks us by refusing to listen to good advice? I’ve been trying to talk sense into him all day.”
“Would you listen if you were him, Dean? He’s got nothing left but us and he thinks he can help. It’s not his fault he doesn’t know better yet. He’ll see reason, okay? You gotta take it easy on him.”
“That’s easy for you to say, Sam.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means your little brother got to go to baseball games. Mine didn’t.”
Sam muffles a laugh in his hand. “Seriously? Are you still jealous because Dad was nice to him for two days out of the year?”
“That’s not what I meant. I meant he gets to go back to something neither of us ever had a chance for and he’s trying to throw it away for no-”
“For family. Just like you would do, Dean.”
“Goddamn, Sammy. You’re so fucking sensitive.”
“I know what your problem with him is. I think it’s cute.”
“Oh, bite me.”
Sam’s expression suddenly gets serious and he looks up. Adam sees Dean’s shoulders tense when their eyes meet.
“You have nothing to be jealous about. You’ve got me, just you.”
The air in the room seems to thicken around the two men and Dean shakes his head as he takes a step towards the bed. “I know what it’s like to have a little brother, Sam. I don’t think…it’s not his fault. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to like him. I don’t want you to have it. If you care about someone the way I care about you…”
“Shh. Don’t be ridiculous, idiot. You know that what we have…it’s not like that, okay? So stop being jealous and give him a chance. He likes you. I think you’re hurting his feelings.”
“I think I’m hurting your feelings. You have so many feelings, I can’t keep track of-“
“Promise you’ll be nicer. For me?”
Dean scoffs. “Yeah, yeah, alright. But I still say this babysitting him overnight business is stupid. He’s fine. I know when someone’s in trouble and he’s gonna be fine.”
“I know.”
“Then why’d you back Bobby up? I feel like an idiot tiptoeing over here in the middle of the night.”
Sam smirks. “I got us the king bed, didn’t I?”
“You sly fox,” Dean replies, sounding proud.
He finally bridges the space between himself and his brother. Adam watches Dean tilt Sam’s face up to his.
“I’ve missed you, Sammy.”
“I was right here, Dean. Right next to you the whole time.”
“Yeah, well…I wasn’t.”
Sam looks away, Adam swears his expression is guilty. Dean responds by straddling his brother and Adam knows for sure, the way Dean’s head moves down-it’s not a weird angle, it’s a kiss.
“My fault, Sam. Don’t look like that.” The words hardly tumble out of his mouth before Sam’s hand comes up and his fingers wrap around the back of Dean’s neck, pulling him in roughly without a moment’s hesitation.
Adam thinks: that’s it. That answers the question; he now knows more than he ever wanted to know. He should go back to bed and try to forget-but it’s like a train wreck and Adam can’t blink, let alone leave.
Sam’s other hand pushes up the back of Dean’s shirt and Dean’s fingers cup Sam’s face in a way Adam is somehow sure Dean never has, and never will, hold anyone else. It’s wrong, Adam knows that. They’re brothers. Shit, they’re his brothers and they do this and Adam can’t even process it.
Yesterday, he was jealous of them. He heard that they had a father and they’d been taught what to do if a monster came for them like one had come for Adam. He thought they’d been taken care of, that they’d had a life he wanted. But that life led to this. Adam wonders if it’s worse to be alone the way he was, or to get so close to someone you can’t stay away from them, not even when it’s dangerous and dirty and all the things Adam is thinking as he watches Sam and Dean moan into each other’s mouths.
The answer should be plain. Wrong, he keeps having to remind himself. It’s so, so wrong. But he’s still watching it and some part of him almost wants to admit it’s beautiful.
“Sammy, I want-“
Sam pauses. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. Fuck, yes.”
“It’s been a while.”
“Like I don’t know that.”
“Almost a year, Dean.”
“So?”
“So…I. I’ve done things. And now you know about them. It’s not like I don’t know why you stopped…we don’t have to again. I get it.”
“Sam. Please.”
Adam hears more in those two words than he thinks he heard in any of the long conversations Sam and Dean shared between California and South Dakota. There are promises, apologies, forgiveness, pleas…things Adam won’t even pretend to know how to name. Adam knows Sam will say yes without waiting to hear his answer or see his response. He closes the door as quietly as he can, grateful that his brothers are too wrapped up in each other to realize they hadn’t been alone.
He goes to bed and tries not to hear the noises down the hall. When he wakes up, Dean is back in the bed across from his and Adam thinks for a moment that maybe it was a dream. A really vivid and incredibly fucked-up dream.
He walks over and sees his brother’s face, there’s a tiny smile on his lips and his fingers are tangled in the spare fabric at the end of his pillowcase, as if it was short strands of brown hair. Adam knows it was real.
He gets downstairs and finds that Sam is already up, sitting at the kitchen table with a newspaper and a cup of coffee. Adam had been hoping not to have to face either of his brothers for a while, so he’s more than a little disappointed when Sam looks up at him and smiles.
“Good morning.”
“Morning.”
“Did you sleep well?”
“Uhh.” Adam directs his attention to the floor. “Sure, yeah.” He can’t quite bring himself to ask Sam the question in return.
Sam pushes the seat opposite himself out with his foot and Adam sits down.
“Feeling better?”
“I know about you and Dean.”
“Excuse me?”
“You and Dean are…I know. Last night, I-how can you? I mean, Christ, you guys are brothers.”
Sam looks at the table and stays silent for a long time. Finally he lets out a short breath.
“I’m sorry that you found out. Can’t imagine that was pleasant for you,” Sam really does sound sorry and he frowns as if it’s not pleasant for him, either. “We didn’t mean for you to know. I guess we should have been more careful.”
“I guess you shouldn’t be fucking your brother.”
“You have no right to talk to me like that.”
“You know, actually, I have a lot more right to talk to you however I want than you do to-“
“You don’t understand. That’s fine. We never would have asked you to.” It’s almost terrifying how calm Sam is about this. Adam has a feeling this isn’t the first time he’s had this conversation.
“Look, I wasn’t kidding when I told you that you were lucky not to be raised like we were. Dean and I, you can’t imagine what our life was like, so you can’t judge what we do. Maybe it’s a lot of the things you want to call it right now, but he’s all I ever had and…” Sam looks Adam dead in the eye. His voice gets strong, takes on a challenging tone; Adam is immediately aware of exactly how dangerous his brother is. “We’re not sorry.”
Adam doesn’t know how to respond, but he’s spared the trouble of having to think of something when Dean enters the room lazily. He grabs Sam’s coffee off the table and makes a face as he takes a sip.
“What are you lecturing that poor kid about at freaking ten in the morning, Sam?” Dean asks, taking Sam’s coffee to the counter and beginning to add sugar.
Sam looks at Adam, silently questioning if they have an understanding. Adam nods. Sam smiles gratefully and then his expression changes to a sour glare at Dean.
“That’s mine, you know.”
“It sure was.” Dean smiles at Sam and winks at Adam. “You want eggs, Adam? There’s enough for two people and I’m starving.”
Adam accepts and sits in silence, watching as Dean prepares breakfast. Sam continues to read his paper for about five minutes before he finally accepts he’s not getting his coffee back and gets up to make another cup. They work well together, even as Sam is pretending to be annoyed and Dean takes every chance he gets to complicate his brother’s quest for caffeine.
Adam’s eggs come out first and Dean talks to him as he shovels down his own plate, acting as if there’s no one else in the room. Adam keeps waiting for Dean to offer Sam some of his breakfast and when Dean doesn’t, Adam does. Sam says “no, thank you” and goes on reading his paper until Dean finishes. Adam is putting his dish in the sink when Dean sets a plate down in front of Sam and squeezes his shoulder. Sam doesn’t look surprised.
Adam spends the rest of the day thinking about his brothers-what they do, why they do it. He can’t condone it. He can’t condemn it, either. All he knows for sure is that he wants to have as little to do with it as possible and he’s on a bus for home by nightfall.