[ficlet] the bolder thing to do, 1/1
Title: The Bolder Thing to Do
Pairing: 13 + 2
Genre: Angst/Friendship
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Because despite everything-all the laughs and good times, Super Junior still seems so very sad to me. Originally, I was going to do all the members, but some of them seemed redundant, didn’t fit, or didn’t contribute to the fic at all, so I just cut them out. I’m not being biased, okay? T^T
Word Count: 3000
Suggested Listening: If It Means A Lot to You - A Day to Remember
Summary: Ryeowook doesn’t tell. Ryeowook doesn’t spill secrets. And this is why the other members come to him-this is why his heart breaks in their place.
“Hyung,” Ryeowook greeted when Leeteuk stumbled into his room. “Are you alright?”
The older man didn’t reply, sitting down at the foot of his bed. His posture was slumped, and he didn’t even look at Ryeowook.
“Hyung?” he ventured again. “Jungsu-hyung.”
“Youngwoon,” Leeteuk said suddenly. “Youngwoon’s gone.” Hiccup.
Ryeowook’s jaw dropped. “Are you drunk? We’re shooting first thing in the morning tomorrow!” Leeteuk ignored him (as per usual-it seemed like everyone disregarded his words of concern and well-being), and hiccupped again.
“Before he left, he told me…he told me that I was the reason he even woke up smiling. He said that if I wasn’t the leader of Super Junior, he didn’t know what he’d be doing. That he’d be lost.”
He decided to stay quiet, because he knew-everyone knew-that Leeteuk loved Kangin. And they had their sneaking suspicions that Kangin felt the same way-but there were always factors the prevented them from doing anything about it-the military being one. Marking his spot on the book he was currently reading, he shifted in his bed so he sat beside Leeteuk.
“He’ll be back soon,” he said, trying to comfort the older man. He wasn’t good at these things-wasn’t good at solving people’s problems. Ryeowook found several inadequacies with himself, and this was one of them.
“Yeah, and before you know it, I’ll be the one gone.”
Ryeowook awkwardly pat his leader’s back, feeling his heart clench. He hated seeing any of his members like this-upset and just on the verge of crumbling. “Two years pass by fast,” he settled on saying, really at a loss as for what words could bring the usual light back to Leeteuk’s eyes.
“Not”-hiccup-“not fast enough. I don’t even know how I manage to get through the more difficult times with him. It’s just-Youngwoon’s just-”
“Sh,” Ryeowook hushed, rubbing his back. “It’s okay. I know. I’ll get you some water, and then you should go to bed, okay? I can’t imagine how bad your hangover will be tomorrow.”
And Leeteuk only nodded.
-
“You can’t tell anyone,” was the first thing Hangeng had said. “And especially not Heechul.”
“Can’t tell anyone what?” Ryeowook asked, a foreboding feeling creeping up the base of his spine.
There had always been something, he thought, about Hangeng’s eyes. It was like he was constantly sad, constantly burdened-the corners of his eyes drooping downwards, his entire expression falling when the cameras disappeared. But he never spoke, so Ryeowook never asked.
The next words caught him off guard. “我走了。” I’m leaving. And Ryeowook wasn’t very good at Mandarin at the time (or even now, in fact), but he understood what he was saying-and even if he didn’t, the pure sadness in Hangeng’s voice should’ve at least told him something.
His eyes widened by a fraction. “What do you mean?” But Hangeng didn’t explain further-just shook his head, his bangs falling into his eyes because he had just got out of the shower and his hair wasn’t styled.
“我相信你不会有什么问题吗？” I trust that you won’t have any problems?
“I don’t-what are you talking about, hyung?”
“你要加油啊，你知道吗？” You need to work hard, okay? And really, it was a rhetorical question, because after that, Hangeng just turned around and started packing his suitcase, quietly dismissing him. Ryeowook assumed that he was getting ready for their flight later that night to return to Korea, so with uneasy steps, he left the hotel room, wondering what that was all about. He considered talking to Kyuhyun about it later without giving too much away, but that never happened-that never happened, because after that night, Hangeng disappeared, without a trace, without a word, without a warning.
Well, without a warning for anyone else. But Hangeng told Ryeowook not to tell anyone, so he didn’t tell anyone.
-
“Practically all of us are gay, right?” Yesung asked this with only the smallest hint of caution, and Ryeowook, not for the first time, questioned his sanity.
“I guess that’s something we’ve all quietly acknowledged,” he agreed. “Why?”
“So it’s not weird if I told you I liked a guy, right?”
Surprised that Yesung actually cared about something other than Super Junior, his reputation, and his family, Ryeowook shook his head. “Why would that be weird?”
The older man buried his face in his hands, groaning. “I don’t know what to say to him anymore,” he moaned. “I’ve liked him for so long, but apparently, ignoring my feelings only makes them stronger. And it kind of feels like he likes me back, but that’s only sometimes, and I suspect that even if he did feel the same way, I’d just be a terrible influence on him and dammit, Ryeowook-ah, I hate being famous sometimes because I can’t even be gay without being afraid.”
Ryeowook felt his heart leap to his throat, hammering until all he could hear was the blood pounding in his ears-because Yesung liked someone-liked someone to the point that he was worried about things like that, and-
He felt half broken, half glad that he was the one Yesung decided to come to as he pulled the older man into a hug. “Why do you think you’d be a bad influence on him?” he coaxed gently, wishing desperately that he could make his pain go away, because he would do anything, absolutely anything to keep that smile on his face-
Yesung’s forehead pressed against his shoulder, and Ryeowook looked up at the ceiling, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Because he always seems so happy, and all I would cause are problems.”
“If he feels the same,” he said quietly, “it would all be worth it for him.” He spoke from personal experience-because he knew what it was like, to care about someone that much. He knew that if he were lucky enough to be the recipient of Yesung’s love, he would risk it all, would fight through it all because Yesung was worth it.
But clearly, he didn’t have to worry about putting up any sort of fight, because Yesung had someone else in his life.
The older man didn’t respond-just stayed there, with his forehead pressed against his shoulder, breathing quietly. Ryeowook closed his eyes, swearing to himself that he wouldn’t cry, when he had to be strong for the person he loved the most.
-
“And then that complete and utter idiot just decides that he’ll leave! Just like that! He doesn’t even consider any of our feelings-just leaves, I fucking hate him, I want to kill him and kill him again-”
Part of Ryeowook wanted to tune Heechul out, but part of him knew that he’d feel the exact same way if he were put in his position.
“I’m sure he had his reasons,” he said, trying to keep Hangeng’s dignity intact.
“What, did he tell you about it beforehand?” Heechul snapped, and Ryeowook knew better than to actually answer that question.
Heechul was more than just angry. Heechul was upset. Heechul was hurt. Heechul was devastated. Ryeowook could tell from the way he spat out his words, crueler and harsher than he’d ever heard him speak-because hell if he’d genuinely express how unhappy he was. And Ryeowook didn’t know how to fix it, didn’t know how to fix it at all-because his hyung had already locked himself up for three months, and even when Eunhyuk went in to talk to him, he wouldn’t open up at all.
But here he was, screaming and yelling all the profanities he knew, all directed towards a Chinese man that was no longer even in the same country as them.
“I can’t wait until I go to the military,” Heechul continued to mutter angrily to himself. “Then I’ll know how to properly use a gun-I’ll kill him and bring his corpse back, let’s see how he tries to get away then-”
Ryeowook just sat there quietly, wondering why things had to be this way.
-
“Ryeowook-ah, what are you supposed to do when you love someone, but you can’t be with them?”
Faintly, he wondered when he suddenly became Super Junior’s love guru. “Why can’t you be with him, hyung?” he asked Eunhyuk, who seriously looked so worried that his face was a sickly yellow color. “Does he not love you back?”
“No, I’m pretty sure he does.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“The bible…”
And although it wasn’t terribly surprising, Ryeowook thought that Siwon would’ve been the first to spout on about it, not Eunhyuk. Nevertheless, he took his concerns seriously-because religion was important-especially to Eunhyuk.
“Hyung,” he said, honestly not knowing how to solve something like this, “if you love him, I’m sure God would forgive you for that.”
“And the potential scandals…”
“Keep it a secret?”
“And it’s not like I haven’t tried to stop it, either!” Eunhyuk tugged at his hair, frustrated. “It worked for a while, and I thought I was over him-but it’s like it just keeps coming back, and he’s just everywhere, and-I don’t know how long I can hold out for.”
Cautiously, Ryeowook ventured a guess. “Is it Donghae-hyung?”
Eunhyuk’s sickly pallor suddenly flushed to a deep red in record time. “Uh.”
“I always thought Donghae-hyung wanted to be a good son, too, so he’s probably trying hard not to feel that way about you too. He’d want to have a wife and family in the future.”
Apparently, his words had no effect-in fact, they probably did the exact opposite, because it was then that Eunhyuk grabbed a cushion off the couch and buried his face in it, looking very much like he was trying to suffocate himself. “It feels like I belong with him,” he said, voice muffled. “Sometimes, when he’s sleeping, I just watch him from across the room. He’s so perfect.” Ryeowook refrained from making a joke about picking up Yesung’s habits.
“You need to be happy with yourself before you can drag anyone else into the situation, right?” He cleared his throat nervously, not feeling like he was good enough to give out this kind of advice.
“And did you know, he just walks around topless all the time! Just because we’re both guys doesn’t mean that he should walk out from the shower, topless-we’re all practically gay anyway!”
“The bible,” Ryeowook reminded gently.
“Right, right. I seriously need to get myself a girlfriend.” Somehow, Ryeowook felt like a girlfriend wouldn’t solve the situation, but he didn’t have any better suggestions, so he said nothing. “Promise not to tell anyone? And especially not Donghae, God, if he knew, I don’t even know how things will blow up in my face.”
“Don’t think about it too much,” he said, patting Eunhyuk on the shoulder. And he swore, he could see his heart breaking right before his eyes.
-
He had met Henry much later than the other members, but he was one of his closest friends.
Henry spent most of his time in Canada, going about his regular lifestyle, but there were several months of the year in which he would join them, whether it was for the Super Shows, or for activities with Super Junior-M. Ryeowook had grown fond of the younger boy-which was why he immediately felt inclined to talk to him when he found him in the public bathroom one day, punching a stall door.
“What are you doing?” he cried, scuttling over and grabbing his wrist. “Be careful, you could hurt yourself!”
“Like anyone cares,” Henry muttered, yanking his hand out of Ryeowook’s grip. “No one likes me anyway. To them, I’m just Henry, that extra who’d never be allowed to be part of the main group.”
Ryeowook bit his lip. “That’s not true.”
“Do you know the shit that I put up with?” Henry shouted, his accent thick on his tongue. “Hyung, don’t tell me you didn’t hear them chanting Hangeng’s name out there every time Zhou Mi and I started singing his parts. And do you know what my friends say back at home? They call me the half-celebrity, because I’m not good enough to actually be part of Super Junior. I always see antis writing about me on the internet. I didn’t fucking come to Korea for this.”
Ryeowook swallowed thickly, not knowing what to say and really feeling like he was on the brink of tears. Yeah, he did hear the fans chanting Hangeng’s name-he also heard Henry and Zhou Mi’s voices noticeably faltering when they sang.
“I just-I just want to quit.” Henry leaned against the wall of the bathroom, sliding to the floor. “Life back in Canada was good.”
“Don’t,” he said without hesitation-and if Ryeowook gave himself time to think, he would’ve noticed that he almost sounded desperate. “Don’t quit. You can’t leave.”
“Why not? Clearly, I’m not wanted.”
“That’s not true. I want you here.” Ryeowook couldn’t handle anymore of this-first it was Kibum, then Hangeng, and then Kangin-all of them left disasters of all kinds in their wake. Even now, there were still spaces, still gaps that they couldn’t fill-he couldn’t handle another one. “You can’t go, Henry.”
The younger man began muttering a bunch of gibberish, which Ryeowook could only assume was English. Not surprisingly, he could pick up on the profanities-there were a lot of them.
“Sometimes I hate Hangeng,” he spat, all venom and anger, and Ryeowook almost couldn’t recognize him anymore. “He just ran away-just left us, without saying anything. Did he think that we’d be okay, or something? You guys might be, but I’m not, and especially not Zhou Mi. Hyung, this is just-” And Henry looked up at him at that moment, and Ryeowook was frozen to the spot, lost and very much hopeless. “I just want to quit.”
And sometimes, Ryeowook wanted to quit, too.
-
“Everyone comes to me with their problems,” he explained to Yesung. “And it’s not like I can talk to anyone else about them, y’know? They’re not my secrets to tell. But sometimes, I really don’t know what I can do to help.”
Nodding, Yesung draped an arm around Ryeowook’s shoulders. He did his best to ignore the way his heart jumped to his throat. “But that’s because you’re a good guy, y’know. You’re loyal. People know that they can come to you because you’re honest, and you actually keep your mouth shut, unlike everyone else.”
“What about Kyuhyun? He doesn’t talk.”
“Well, that would be the problem. He doesn’t talk.”
“Right.” It was quiet for a few moments, before he ventured to ask, “How are things going with that guy?”
Yesung shrugged. “Nothing’s changed.”
“Do you still like him?”
“Obviously.”
“O-Oh.” Ryeowook swallowed, feeling his heart sink back to its rightful place. “Right. You should find out if he likes you back.”
“What would the point of that be?”
“Because I hate seeing you like this, hyung!” he cried. “You’re getting all upset over a guy-and I mean, if he doesn’t see you that way, or doesn’t think that dating you is worth it, then he’s not worth it either!” Forget everyone else’s problems-Ryeowook had problems of his own, and although it seemed insignificant compared to Hangeng’s or Henry’s, he still felt the same pressure on his heart, felt that it was going to break at any moment-he couldn’t hold up everyone else’s suffering when he couldn’t even handle his own.
Yesung looked momentarily surprised at his sudden outburst, before he just smiled sadly and pulled him closer. “See? You’re such a good guy. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”
“But I don’t want just anybody,” he muttered under his breath, more to himself than to Yesung.
“Who do you want? Maybe it’s my turn to listen to your problems.” The other man rubbed his arm. “You need someone to vent to too, after all.”
But how could Ryeowook tell him? How could Ryeowook say that he was the one he wanted, when clearly, he already had someone else in his heart? He couldn’t do that-couldn’t ruin their friendship, their group dynamic because of it.
“It’s nothing,” he said, pulling away so Yesung’s arm dropped to his side. “I’m fine.”
“Ryeowook-ah,” he said, voice soft and concerned. How many times had Ryeowook dreamt of that voice, haunting him day and night? “You suck at lying, and you know it.”
Ryeowook merely looked at him, feeling the last of his heart chip away, and shook his head.
“It’s alright, hyung. There’s nothing to talk about anyway.”
omg i’m so sorry if you’re chinese and you realized that my chinese sucks *A* i didn’t get a chance to improve my chinese the way henry did because i’ll always be stuck in canada but i hope the characters still made the emotional impact stronger /shot
Pairing: 13 + 2
Genre: Angst/Friendship
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Because despite everything-all the laughs and good times, Super Junior still seems so very sad to me. Originally, I was going to do all the members, but some of them seemed redundant, didn’t fit, or didn’t contribute to the fic at all, so I just cut them out. I’m not being biased, okay? T^T
Word Count: 3000
Suggested Listening: If It Means A Lot to You - A Day to Remember
Summary: Ryeowook doesn’t tell. Ryeowook doesn’t spill secrets. And this is why the other members come to him-this is why his heart breaks in their place.
“Hyung,” Ryeowook greeted when Leeteuk stumbled into his room. “Are you alright?”
The older man didn’t reply, sitting down at the foot of his bed. His posture was slumped, and he didn’t even look at Ryeowook.
“Hyung?” he ventured again. “Jungsu-hyung.”
“Youngwoon,” Leeteuk said suddenly. “Youngwoon’s gone.” Hiccup.
Ryeowook’s jaw dropped. “Are you drunk? We’re shooting first thing in the morning tomorrow!” Leeteuk ignored him (as per usual-it seemed like everyone disregarded his words of concern and well-being), and hiccupped again.
“Before he left, he told me…he told me that I was the reason he even woke up smiling. He said that if I wasn’t the leader of Super Junior, he didn’t know what he’d be doing. That he’d be lost.”
He decided to stay quiet, because he knew-everyone knew-that Leeteuk loved Kangin. And they had their sneaking suspicions that Kangin felt the same way-but there were always factors the prevented them from doing anything about it-the military being one. Marking his spot on the book he was currently reading, he shifted in his bed so he sat beside Leeteuk.
“He’ll be back soon,” he said, trying to comfort the older man. He wasn’t good at these things-wasn’t good at solving people’s problems. Ryeowook found several inadequacies with himself, and this was one of them.
“Yeah, and before you know it, I’ll be the one gone.”
Ryeowook awkwardly pat his leader’s back, feeling his heart clench. He hated seeing any of his members like this-upset and just on the verge of crumbling. “Two years pass by fast,” he settled on saying, really at a loss as for what words could bring the usual light back to Leeteuk’s eyes.
“Not”-hiccup-“not fast enough. I don’t even know how I manage to get through the more difficult times with him. It’s just-Youngwoon’s just-”
“Sh,” Ryeowook hushed, rubbing his back. “It’s okay. I know. I’ll get you some water, and then you should go to bed, okay? I can’t imagine how bad your hangover will be tomorrow.”
And Leeteuk only nodded.
-
“You can’t tell anyone,” was the first thing Hangeng had said. “And especially not Heechul.”
“Can’t tell anyone what?” Ryeowook asked, a foreboding feeling creeping up the base of his spine.
There had always been something, he thought, about Hangeng’s eyes. It was like he was constantly sad, constantly burdened-the corners of his eyes drooping downwards, his entire expression falling when the cameras disappeared. But he never spoke, so Ryeowook never asked.
The next words caught him off guard. “我走了。” I’m leaving. And Ryeowook wasn’t very good at Mandarin at the time (or even now, in fact), but he understood what he was saying-and even if he didn’t, the pure sadness in Hangeng’s voice should’ve at least told him something.
His eyes widened by a fraction. “What do you mean?” But Hangeng didn’t explain further-just shook his head, his bangs falling into his eyes because he had just got out of the shower and his hair wasn’t styled.
“我相信你不会有什么问题吗？” I trust that you won’t have any problems?
“I don’t-what are you talking about, hyung?”
“你要加油啊，你知道吗？” You need to work hard, okay? And really, it was a rhetorical question, because after that, Hangeng just turned around and started packing his suitcase, quietly dismissing him. Ryeowook assumed that he was getting ready for their flight later that night to return to Korea, so with uneasy steps, he left the hotel room, wondering what that was all about. He considered talking to Kyuhyun about it later without giving too much away, but that never happened-that never happened, because after that night, Hangeng disappeared, without a trace, without a word, without a warning.
Well, without a warning for anyone else. But Hangeng told Ryeowook not to tell anyone, so he didn’t tell anyone.
-
“Practically all of us are gay, right?” Yesung asked this with only the smallest hint of caution, and Ryeowook, not for the first time, questioned his sanity.
“I guess that’s something we’ve all quietly acknowledged,” he agreed. “Why?”
“So it’s not weird if I told you I liked a guy, right?”
Surprised that Yesung actually cared about something other than Super Junior, his reputation, and his family, Ryeowook shook his head. “Why would that be weird?”
The older man buried his face in his hands, groaning. “I don’t know what to say to him anymore,” he moaned. “I’ve liked him for so long, but apparently, ignoring my feelings only makes them stronger. And it kind of feels like he likes me back, but that’s only sometimes, and I suspect that even if he did feel the same way, I’d just be a terrible influence on him and dammit, Ryeowook-ah, I hate being famous sometimes because I can’t even be gay without being afraid.”
Ryeowook felt his heart leap to his throat, hammering until all he could hear was the blood pounding in his ears-because Yesung liked someone-liked someone to the point that he was worried about things like that, and-
He felt half broken, half glad that he was the one Yesung decided to come to as he pulled the older man into a hug. “Why do you think you’d be a bad influence on him?” he coaxed gently, wishing desperately that he could make his pain go away, because he would do anything, absolutely anything to keep that smile on his face-
Yesung’s forehead pressed against his shoulder, and Ryeowook looked up at the ceiling, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Because he always seems so happy, and all I would cause are problems.”
“If he feels the same,” he said quietly, “it would all be worth it for him.” He spoke from personal experience-because he knew what it was like, to care about someone that much. He knew that if he were lucky enough to be the recipient of Yesung’s love, he would risk it all, would fight through it all because Yesung was worth it.
But clearly, he didn’t have to worry about putting up any sort of fight, because Yesung had someone else in his life.
The older man didn’t respond-just stayed there, with his forehead pressed against his shoulder, breathing quietly. Ryeowook closed his eyes, swearing to himself that he wouldn’t cry, when he had to be strong for the person he loved the most.
-
“And then that complete and utter idiot just decides that he’ll leave! Just like that! He doesn’t even consider any of our feelings-just leaves, I fucking hate him, I want to kill him and kill him again-”
Part of Ryeowook wanted to tune Heechul out, but part of him knew that he’d feel the exact same way if he were put in his position.
“I’m sure he had his reasons,” he said, trying to keep Hangeng’s dignity intact.
“What, did he tell you about it beforehand?” Heechul snapped, and Ryeowook knew better than to actually answer that question.
Heechul was more than just angry. Heechul was upset. Heechul was hurt. Heechul was devastated. Ryeowook could tell from the way he spat out his words, crueler and harsher than he’d ever heard him speak-because hell if he’d genuinely express how unhappy he was. And Ryeowook didn’t know how to fix it, didn’t know how to fix it at all-because his hyung had already locked himself up for three months, and even when Eunhyuk went in to talk to him, he wouldn’t open up at all.
But here he was, screaming and yelling all the profanities he knew, all directed towards a Chinese man that was no longer even in the same country as them.
“I can’t wait until I go to the military,” Heechul continued to mutter angrily to himself. “Then I’ll know how to properly use a gun-I’ll kill him and bring his corpse back, let’s see how he tries to get away then-”
Ryeowook just sat there quietly, wondering why things had to be this way.
-
“Ryeowook-ah, what are you supposed to do when you love someone, but you can’t be with them?”
Faintly, he wondered when he suddenly became Super Junior’s love guru. “Why can’t you be with him, hyung?” he asked Eunhyuk, who seriously looked so worried that his face was a sickly yellow color. “Does he not love you back?”
“No, I’m pretty sure he does.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“The bible…”
And although it wasn’t terribly surprising, Ryeowook thought that Siwon would’ve been the first to spout on about it, not Eunhyuk. Nevertheless, he took his concerns seriously-because religion was important-especially to Eunhyuk.
“Hyung,” he said, honestly not knowing how to solve something like this, “if you love him, I’m sure God would forgive you for that.”
“And the potential scandals…”
“Keep it a secret?”
“And it’s not like I haven’t tried to stop it, either!” Eunhyuk tugged at his hair, frustrated. “It worked for a while, and I thought I was over him-but it’s like it just keeps coming back, and he’s just everywhere, and-I don’t know how long I can hold out for.”
Cautiously, Ryeowook ventured a guess. “Is it Donghae-hyung?”
Eunhyuk’s sickly pallor suddenly flushed to a deep red in record time. “Uh.”
“I always thought Donghae-hyung wanted to be a good son, too, so he’s probably trying hard not to feel that way about you too. He’d want to have a wife and family in the future.”
Apparently, his words had no effect-in fact, they probably did the exact opposite, because it was then that Eunhyuk grabbed a cushion off the couch and buried his face in it, looking very much like he was trying to suffocate himself. “It feels like I belong with him,” he said, voice muffled. “Sometimes, when he’s sleeping, I just watch him from across the room. He’s so perfect.” Ryeowook refrained from making a joke about picking up Yesung’s habits.
“You need to be happy with yourself before you can drag anyone else into the situation, right?” He cleared his throat nervously, not feeling like he was good enough to give out this kind of advice.
“And did you know, he just walks around topless all the time! Just because we’re both guys doesn’t mean that he should walk out from the shower, topless-we’re all practically gay anyway!”
“The bible,” Ryeowook reminded gently.
“Right, right. I seriously need to get myself a girlfriend.” Somehow, Ryeowook felt like a girlfriend wouldn’t solve the situation, but he didn’t have any better suggestions, so he said nothing. “Promise not to tell anyone? And especially not Donghae, God, if he knew, I don’t even know how things will blow up in my face.”
“Don’t think about it too much,” he said, patting Eunhyuk on the shoulder. And he swore, he could see his heart breaking right before his eyes.
-
He had met Henry much later than the other members, but he was one of his closest friends.
Henry spent most of his time in Canada, going about his regular lifestyle, but there were several months of the year in which he would join them, whether it was for the Super Shows, or for activities with Super Junior-M. Ryeowook had grown fond of the younger boy-which was why he immediately felt inclined to talk to him when he found him in the public bathroom one day, punching a stall door.
“What are you doing?” he cried, scuttling over and grabbing his wrist. “Be careful, you could hurt yourself!”
“Like anyone cares,” Henry muttered, yanking his hand out of Ryeowook’s grip. “No one likes me anyway. To them, I’m just Henry, that extra who’d never be allowed to be part of the main group.”
Ryeowook bit his lip. “That’s not true.”
“Do you know the shit that I put up with?” Henry shouted, his accent thick on his tongue. “Hyung, don’t tell me you didn’t hear them chanting Hangeng’s name out there every time Zhou Mi and I started singing his parts. And do you know what my friends say back at home? They call me the half-celebrity, because I’m not good enough to actually be part of Super Junior. I always see antis writing about me on the internet. I didn’t fucking come to Korea for this.”
Ryeowook swallowed thickly, not knowing what to say and really feeling like he was on the brink of tears. Yeah, he did hear the fans chanting Hangeng’s name-he also heard Henry and Zhou Mi’s voices noticeably faltering when they sang.
“I just-I just want to quit.” Henry leaned against the wall of the bathroom, sliding to the floor. “Life back in Canada was good.”
“Don’t,” he said without hesitation-and if Ryeowook gave himself time to think, he would’ve noticed that he almost sounded desperate. “Don’t quit. You can’t leave.”
“Why not? Clearly, I’m not wanted.”
“That’s not true. I want you here.” Ryeowook couldn’t handle anymore of this-first it was Kibum, then Hangeng, and then Kangin-all of them left disasters of all kinds in their wake. Even now, there were still spaces, still gaps that they couldn’t fill-he couldn’t handle another one. “You can’t go, Henry.”
The younger man began muttering a bunch of gibberish, which Ryeowook could only assume was English. Not surprisingly, he could pick up on the profanities-there were a lot of them.
“Sometimes I hate Hangeng,” he spat, all venom and anger, and Ryeowook almost couldn’t recognize him anymore. “He just ran away-just left us, without saying anything. Did he think that we’d be okay, or something? You guys might be, but I’m not, and especially not Zhou Mi. Hyung, this is just-” And Henry looked up at him at that moment, and Ryeowook was frozen to the spot, lost and very much hopeless. “I just want to quit.”
And sometimes, Ryeowook wanted to quit, too.
-
“Everyone comes to me with their problems,” he explained to Yesung. “And it’s not like I can talk to anyone else about them, y’know? They’re not my secrets to tell. But sometimes, I really don’t know what I can do to help.”
Nodding, Yesung draped an arm around Ryeowook’s shoulders. He did his best to ignore the way his heart jumped to his throat. “But that’s because you’re a good guy, y’know. You’re loyal. People know that they can come to you because you’re honest, and you actually keep your mouth shut, unlike everyone else.”
“What about Kyuhyun? He doesn’t talk.”
“Well, that would be the problem. He doesn’t talk.”
“Right.” It was quiet for a few moments, before he ventured to ask, “How are things going with that guy?”
Yesung shrugged. “Nothing’s changed.”
“Do you still like him?”
“Obviously.”
“O-Oh.” Ryeowook swallowed, feeling his heart sink back to its rightful place. “Right. You should find out if he likes you back.”
“What would the point of that be?”
“Because I hate seeing you like this, hyung!” he cried. “You’re getting all upset over a guy-and I mean, if he doesn’t see you that way, or doesn’t think that dating you is worth it, then he’s not worth it either!” Forget everyone else’s problems-Ryeowook had problems of his own, and although it seemed insignificant compared to Hangeng’s or Henry’s, he still felt the same pressure on his heart, felt that it was going to break at any moment-he couldn’t hold up everyone else’s suffering when he couldn’t even handle his own.
Yesung looked momentarily surprised at his sudden outburst, before he just smiled sadly and pulled him closer. “See? You’re such a good guy. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”
“But I don’t want just anybody,” he muttered under his breath, more to himself than to Yesung.
“Who do you want? Maybe it’s my turn to listen to your problems.” The other man rubbed his arm. “You need someone to vent to too, after all.”
But how could Ryeowook tell him? How could Ryeowook say that he was the one he wanted, when clearly, he already had someone else in his heart? He couldn’t do that-couldn’t ruin their friendship, their group dynamic because of it.
“It’s nothing,” he said, pulling away so Yesung’s arm dropped to his side. “I’m fine.”
“Ryeowook-ah,” he said, voice soft and concerned. How many times had Ryeowook dreamt of that voice, haunting him day and night? “You suck at lying, and you know it.”
Ryeowook merely looked at him, feeling the last of his heart chip away, and shook his head.
“It’s alright, hyung. There’s nothing to talk about anyway.”
omg i’m so sorry if you’re chinese and you realized that my chinese sucks *A* i didn’t get a chance to improve my chinese the way henry did because i’ll always be stuck in canada but i hope the characters still made the emotional impact stronger /shot