fic: early morning paint samples
title: early morning paint samples
author: inflowers
summary: He wakes up, most nights. Feels around in the sheets for what he's almost certain isn't there.
authors notes: promise it's not too angsty.
He wakes up, most nights. Feels around in the sheets for what he's almost certain isn't there.
And he's started to get used to it, but he still wakes up. And he still wishes he didn't.
Because if he could just sleep through the loneliness, it would be okay. If he could just sleep through the part where his body aches from the cold, and wake up ready to face whatever the next day would hold, he'd be okay.
He's getting used to it, but it's not getting any easier.
He hasn't slept properly since Reid became Chief of Staff and started almost living at the hospital.
At first, it was just now and then. Once a week maybe, Reid would stay a little too late and by the time he looked up from his desk, it would be 4AM and he'd have to be back in three hours anyway. So he'd lay down on the couch in his office and catch a few rays of sleep before getting up and starting the day all over again.
Luke didn't like it, but he dealt with it. He knew that success had its price, and he wanted to be supportive of Reid's career - so he didn't say anything. Just checked in with Reid on the mornings when he woke up alone, just to make sure that he was okay. And Reid, normally abrupt and unapologetic, was heartened by Luke's attempts to understand and always felt guilty for not calling and for staying away all night.
But after a month of every-now-and-then, Reid started spending three, four nights a week on the couch in his office. It was his perfectionist nature that started it, always having to check over things more than once just to make sure that they were right. If he had of been less strict with himself, he could have made it home by six. Seven, at the latest. But he cleans up other peoples messes when its just easier to do it himself, and he never did things by halves.
Because he's Reid Oliver, and he has a reputation to uphold. Even if it means pained sighs from one Luke Snyder, when he calls and says he'll be late, later, or that he's not coming home at all.
Luke understands that being not only Chief of Staff, but also a world renowned neurosurgeon is a full time job.
But so is missing Reid.
Which is why he wakes up most nights, and searches blindly next to him. Hoping against hope that his hand will connect with warm skin, and he can curl up around Reid and fall straight back to sleep. More often than not though, it's emptiness and Luke is cold - colder than he should be for the time of year. He tries to fall back to sleep quickly, knowing that he needs to take care of himself and get enough rest. But it's exhausting to wake so often, and he's restless when Reid isn't there.
So he'll get up, wander around their apartment sighing heavily to himself. He'll try to write, he'll try to work, he'll eat something and make a cup of cocoa, all trying to soothe himself back to sleep. Futile a lot of the time, but he tries.
It's a Friday night when he breaks.
Luke hasn't seen Reid in almost three days, having been so busy with work and Reid has been holed up in his office working on end of year budgets and the latest staffing dramas. They've exchanged emails and text messages, one or two phone calls that were rushed and didn't really say anything important - so Luke knew that Reid was fine.
But one more Friday night is all it takes for Luke to lose it and wake with a start, breath heaving in his throat and his body shuddering in fear, because he has this feeling. That something isn't right. He grabs for his phone on the nightstand, fumbling with it in the darkness before punching in an all too familiar number and waiting for an answer.
“Mphello?” A mumble comes through the line, and Luke knows that he was asleep. He can just picture it, the impression of the couch imprinted onto Reid's face as he sleepily sits up. “Luke?”
“Thank god.” Luke sighs heavily into the phone, as his heartbeat returns to normal and his breathing shallows. “Thank god you're okay.” And that's when he realises, the something that's not right, is this.
“What's wrong?”
“What's wrong? What's wrong is that you're not here, again. You're not here, and I kept dreaming that you were - that I lost - that you weren't here for good. That's whats wrong, Reid.”
“Luke, I'm sor-”
“No, no more apologies.” Luke cuts off, flicking on the lamp and standing, starting to paces the length of their bedroom. “I don't want anymore 'I'm sorry's', Reid. I want you here, in our apartment, in our bed. Not alone in your office.”
“It's just that-”
“I know, the budgets. It's always something though, isn't it? It's always going to be something.”
“Come on, that's not fair. I'm doing my best here.”
“Your best?” Luke scoffs, still pacing. Turning backwards and forwards as he runs a hand through his hair and tugs at it exasperatedly. “Your best is you sleeping in your office? That's not good enough.”
“What do you mean it's not good enough, since when have your standards been so high?” Reid demands down the phone, the stress of the situation and the tone in Luke's voice sending volts of energy to his flaring temper. “You knew how this would be when you got involved with me. I'm not a barista, Luke. My job is important. People are counting on me.”
“Oh god, you're bringing up Noah? Really, Reid?”
“I didn't bring up Noah, Luke.” Reid shakes his head, pressing his fingers into his temples in attempts to resolve the headache he knows is building up. “I used it as an example. You're the one who immediately went there, but I suppose I shouldn't expect anything less.”
“No, okay. You're not turning this into an argument about whatever you think is going on between me and Noah, which by the way - you know there isn't anything there.” Luke laughs, more to himself than anyone else. “Or, you would know if you were ever here.”
“That's not fair, you know it's not my choice for things to be like this.”
“Do I? Because it seems to me like you're always choosing your job over me.” Luke says it, but he regrets it the second he does - because he knows it's not true. He knows it better than anyone.
“How can you say that to me, after everything? How can you think that I'm picking my job over you, when you were the one that convinced me to go for this job in the first place?”
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. It's just - I miss you.” Luke says quietly, sadly. He stops pacing and sits on the edge of their bed, his head hanging down as a sigh escapes from within him. “I miss you all the time.”
“I know.” Reid says softly, his body mimicking that of Luke's without even realising it. “I miss you too. And if you made me choose, I'd pick you. Every time. I'm just hoping that you won't make me, because I love this job.”
“I know, I know you do. I wouldn't make you choose. It just gets hard sometimes.” Luke admits, and the anger that he's been feeling for weeks slowly starts to fade away. Because he understands how important Reid's job is to him, but he knows at the end of the day - their relationship is more important. To both of them. “I just, I don't want it to be like this forever you know? I don't want it to be like this in a year, two years, five years from now. I don't want it to be like this when we have a family, me at home and you at work.”
“When we have a family?”
“Oh, I mean. Well, you know. A dog. A cat. Whatever.” Luke trips over his words, suddenly very awake and aware of what's transpiring between them. That conversation, the one that Luke has been avoiding for almost a year. Because he's pretty sure he knows the answers he'll get.
“Or kids.” Reid says simply, flooring Luke to a stunned silence. “Luke?”
“You've thought about it?” He asks quietly, picking at the cotton of the sheets and feeling embarrassed at his red flush, even when no one is around to see him. “About the future, I mean?”
“Of course I have. Why, you haven't?”
“No! I mean, no, I have. Wait, yes. I mean yes, I've thought about it.” Luke laughs gently, and Reid knows he's blushing. “I just didn't think you would have.”
“Why not?”
“Do you really want to have this conversation at-” Luke glances at the clock on his nightstand, and is surprised to see how late it is. “4:24AM, over the phone?”
“Seems like good a place as any, I know you won't sleep anyway - you'll mentally be picking colours for Reid Jnr's nursery.” Reid chuckles at his own joke, and Luke laughs too although Reid is probably right.
“I just didn't think you'd want kids. I don't know why, you're great with Jacob. But you're so driven and hardworking, I kind of just assumed that your career was enough.”
“It used to be.” Reid admits, nodding to himself. “But it used to be enough in general. And then, well - then there was you, and somehow my career just kind of paled in comparison.”
“Really?” Luke is quietly moved by Reid's confession, reading into it the level of devotion that he knows is intended. “Does that mean that you do want kids, one day?”
“Sure. One day, why not.”
And just like that, Luke Snyder falls more in love with Reid Oliver than he had ever been. At 4:27AM early one Saturday morning, as they casually chat on the phone about what colour to paint the nursery and how many goldfish they should have.
It's almost seven by the time they hang up, and the conversation only ends because Reid, finally home after finishing his paperwork to the sound of Luke chatting away happily in his ear, falls into bed and wraps himself around Luke. They disconnect their phones and throw them on the floor, hoping that the batteries will be so dead that they won't ring.
Luke knows that he'll probably crack again, sometime in the near future when he's been sleeping alone for a few too many consecutive nights. But at least he knows that if it ever comes down to it, he'll come first.
For now, at least.
Until Reid Jnr comes along.
author: inflowers
summary: He wakes up, most nights. Feels around in the sheets for what he's almost certain isn't there.
authors notes: promise it's not too angsty.
He wakes up, most nights. Feels around in the sheets for what he's almost certain isn't there.
And he's started to get used to it, but he still wakes up. And he still wishes he didn't.
Because if he could just sleep through the loneliness, it would be okay. If he could just sleep through the part where his body aches from the cold, and wake up ready to face whatever the next day would hold, he'd be okay.
He's getting used to it, but it's not getting any easier.
He hasn't slept properly since Reid became Chief of Staff and started almost living at the hospital.
At first, it was just now and then. Once a week maybe, Reid would stay a little too late and by the time he looked up from his desk, it would be 4AM and he'd have to be back in three hours anyway. So he'd lay down on the couch in his office and catch a few rays of sleep before getting up and starting the day all over again.
Luke didn't like it, but he dealt with it. He knew that success had its price, and he wanted to be supportive of Reid's career - so he didn't say anything. Just checked in with Reid on the mornings when he woke up alone, just to make sure that he was okay. And Reid, normally abrupt and unapologetic, was heartened by Luke's attempts to understand and always felt guilty for not calling and for staying away all night.
But after a month of every-now-and-then, Reid started spending three, four nights a week on the couch in his office. It was his perfectionist nature that started it, always having to check over things more than once just to make sure that they were right. If he had of been less strict with himself, he could have made it home by six. Seven, at the latest. But he cleans up other peoples messes when its just easier to do it himself, and he never did things by halves.
Because he's Reid Oliver, and he has a reputation to uphold. Even if it means pained sighs from one Luke Snyder, when he calls and says he'll be late, later, or that he's not coming home at all.
Luke understands that being not only Chief of Staff, but also a world renowned neurosurgeon is a full time job.
But so is missing Reid.
Which is why he wakes up most nights, and searches blindly next to him. Hoping against hope that his hand will connect with warm skin, and he can curl up around Reid and fall straight back to sleep. More often than not though, it's emptiness and Luke is cold - colder than he should be for the time of year. He tries to fall back to sleep quickly, knowing that he needs to take care of himself and get enough rest. But it's exhausting to wake so often, and he's restless when Reid isn't there.
So he'll get up, wander around their apartment sighing heavily to himself. He'll try to write, he'll try to work, he'll eat something and make a cup of cocoa, all trying to soothe himself back to sleep. Futile a lot of the time, but he tries.
It's a Friday night when he breaks.
Luke hasn't seen Reid in almost three days, having been so busy with work and Reid has been holed up in his office working on end of year budgets and the latest staffing dramas. They've exchanged emails and text messages, one or two phone calls that were rushed and didn't really say anything important - so Luke knew that Reid was fine.
But one more Friday night is all it takes for Luke to lose it and wake with a start, breath heaving in his throat and his body shuddering in fear, because he has this feeling. That something isn't right. He grabs for his phone on the nightstand, fumbling with it in the darkness before punching in an all too familiar number and waiting for an answer.
“Mphello?” A mumble comes through the line, and Luke knows that he was asleep. He can just picture it, the impression of the couch imprinted onto Reid's face as he sleepily sits up. “Luke?”
“Thank god.” Luke sighs heavily into the phone, as his heartbeat returns to normal and his breathing shallows. “Thank god you're okay.” And that's when he realises, the something that's not right, is this.
“What's wrong?”
“What's wrong? What's wrong is that you're not here, again. You're not here, and I kept dreaming that you were - that I lost - that you weren't here for good. That's whats wrong, Reid.”
“Luke, I'm sor-”
“No, no more apologies.” Luke cuts off, flicking on the lamp and standing, starting to paces the length of their bedroom. “I don't want anymore 'I'm sorry's', Reid. I want you here, in our apartment, in our bed. Not alone in your office.”
“It's just that-”
“I know, the budgets. It's always something though, isn't it? It's always going to be something.”
“Come on, that's not fair. I'm doing my best here.”
“Your best?” Luke scoffs, still pacing. Turning backwards and forwards as he runs a hand through his hair and tugs at it exasperatedly. “Your best is you sleeping in your office? That's not good enough.”
“What do you mean it's not good enough, since when have your standards been so high?” Reid demands down the phone, the stress of the situation and the tone in Luke's voice sending volts of energy to his flaring temper. “You knew how this would be when you got involved with me. I'm not a barista, Luke. My job is important. People are counting on me.”
“Oh god, you're bringing up Noah? Really, Reid?”
“I didn't bring up Noah, Luke.” Reid shakes his head, pressing his fingers into his temples in attempts to resolve the headache he knows is building up. “I used it as an example. You're the one who immediately went there, but I suppose I shouldn't expect anything less.”
“No, okay. You're not turning this into an argument about whatever you think is going on between me and Noah, which by the way - you know there isn't anything there.” Luke laughs, more to himself than anyone else. “Or, you would know if you were ever here.”
“That's not fair, you know it's not my choice for things to be like this.”
“Do I? Because it seems to me like you're always choosing your job over me.” Luke says it, but he regrets it the second he does - because he knows it's not true. He knows it better than anyone.
“How can you say that to me, after everything? How can you think that I'm picking my job over you, when you were the one that convinced me to go for this job in the first place?”
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. It's just - I miss you.” Luke says quietly, sadly. He stops pacing and sits on the edge of their bed, his head hanging down as a sigh escapes from within him. “I miss you all the time.”
“I know.” Reid says softly, his body mimicking that of Luke's without even realising it. “I miss you too. And if you made me choose, I'd pick you. Every time. I'm just hoping that you won't make me, because I love this job.”
“I know, I know you do. I wouldn't make you choose. It just gets hard sometimes.” Luke admits, and the anger that he's been feeling for weeks slowly starts to fade away. Because he understands how important Reid's job is to him, but he knows at the end of the day - their relationship is more important. To both of them. “I just, I don't want it to be like this forever you know? I don't want it to be like this in a year, two years, five years from now. I don't want it to be like this when we have a family, me at home and you at work.”
“When we have a family?”
“Oh, I mean. Well, you know. A dog. A cat. Whatever.” Luke trips over his words, suddenly very awake and aware of what's transpiring between them. That conversation, the one that Luke has been avoiding for almost a year. Because he's pretty sure he knows the answers he'll get.
“Or kids.” Reid says simply, flooring Luke to a stunned silence. “Luke?”
“You've thought about it?” He asks quietly, picking at the cotton of the sheets and feeling embarrassed at his red flush, even when no one is around to see him. “About the future, I mean?”
“Of course I have. Why, you haven't?”
“No! I mean, no, I have. Wait, yes. I mean yes, I've thought about it.” Luke laughs gently, and Reid knows he's blushing. “I just didn't think you would have.”
“Why not?”
“Do you really want to have this conversation at-” Luke glances at the clock on his nightstand, and is surprised to see how late it is. “4:24AM, over the phone?”
“Seems like good a place as any, I know you won't sleep anyway - you'll mentally be picking colours for Reid Jnr's nursery.” Reid chuckles at his own joke, and Luke laughs too although Reid is probably right.
“I just didn't think you'd want kids. I don't know why, you're great with Jacob. But you're so driven and hardworking, I kind of just assumed that your career was enough.”
“It used to be.” Reid admits, nodding to himself. “But it used to be enough in general. And then, well - then there was you, and somehow my career just kind of paled in comparison.”
“Really?” Luke is quietly moved by Reid's confession, reading into it the level of devotion that he knows is intended. “Does that mean that you do want kids, one day?”
“Sure. One day, why not.”
And just like that, Luke Snyder falls more in love with Reid Oliver than he had ever been. At 4:27AM early one Saturday morning, as they casually chat on the phone about what colour to paint the nursery and how many goldfish they should have.
It's almost seven by the time they hang up, and the conversation only ends because Reid, finally home after finishing his paperwork to the sound of Luke chatting away happily in his ear, falls into bed and wraps himself around Luke. They disconnect their phones and throw them on the floor, hoping that the batteries will be so dead that they won't ring.
Luke knows that he'll probably crack again, sometime in the near future when he's been sleeping alone for a few too many consecutive nights. But at least he knows that if it ever comes down to it, he'll come first.
For now, at least.
Until Reid Jnr comes along.