No Air
Title: No Air
Author: Ink_River10
Pairing: HanChul
Rating: R
Genre: One shot, angst
Warnings: Angst, swearing, character death
Disclaimer: I do not own Super Junior. If I did, you would know it
Summary: Heechul is about to go into the army, and decides he can’t go without confronting Hangeng first.
Note: Inspired by the song "No Air" by Jordin Sparks feat. C. Brown
Author’s Note #2: I’m gonna get soundly bricked for this one. *hides*
Heechul walked slowly down the hallway, his heart beating in his chest. He had no idea why he was here, or what he expected. He had no idea why he had talked himself into this. It was crazy, and stupid, and it was likely that he’d get his heart broken. Again.
He stopped halfway there and spun around, striding back to the elevator in disgust. This was ridiculous. He was Kim Heechul, and Kim Heechul didn’t need this bullshit. He needed to swallow it again and lock it all away again and forget this idiocy. What had he been thinking?
He slammed the elevator button and stepped back to wait.
But you’re here. Are you really going to walk away after spending two hours in an airplane and another hour in a disgusting, smelly taxi just to get here?
Annoyed, he turned around again. He heard the elevator door behind him slide open but he was walking away again, in the direction of the apartment at the far end of the hall. No, he came here to do this and he was going to do it. He was going into the army in three days and even though he knew he was too famous to be put in any kind of danger, this was still unresolved.
He came to a slow halt in front of Hangeng’s door and raised his hand to knock, but stopped. His hand stood in midair while he took a moment to breathe and prepare himself for this. He had not called to say he was coming, because he had been afraid Geng would tell him not to come. He literally had no idea what he would see, or who else might be in Geng’s apartment.
The thought made something inside his stomach clench unhappily. But before he knew what he was really doing, his knuckles had rapped hard on the door. He stood there, breathing in and out, waiting. Seconds ticked by, and he began to wonder if Hangeng was even home.
But then he heard a noise on the other end of the door, and then the frantic barking of two dogs. Heechul grimaced and bit down on his tongue. There was a scuffling noise, and the barking sounds became muffled. A second later, there was dead silence. Heechul bit down on his tongue and lifted his chin, knowing that he was being looked at through the security peephole in the door.
Slowly, he heard the locks open and the chain slide, then the door opened, revealing Hangeng standing there, gaping at him in shock.
“Heechul?” He stared at him. “What--” Hangeng said in Chinese, and then blinked, looking for a moment like he was desperately pulling Korean words from the fog of his brain. “What are you doing here?” He said, the words coming out broken and halting.
“I see you’ve forgotten everything I taught you.” Heechul said dryly.
“You…” Geng continued to stammer. “How are you here? I mean…what? …I’m sorry…”
“Stop it before you hurt yourself.” Heechul said quietly. “I came to say goodbye.”
If possible, the look of confusion on Hangeng’s face doubled. “What?”
“I’m enlisted. I leave in three days. I just wanted to come and talk to you. And to say goodbye.”
Hangeng blinked. “Oh! Um…” He turned around and glanced into his apartment, and Heechul’s stomach did a horrible, twisting flip that made him sick.
“Never mind.” He said bitterly. “I see you’re busy.” He turned around and started walking again, wishing he had never done this, wishing he hadn’t been so spontaneous and stupid. Wishing he didn’t feel his throat closing up and his eyes burning. He pushed away the hurt and pulled hard on the anger to replace it. What had he been thinking?
“Heechul-ah, wait!” Hangeng called out, and there was a flurry of barking and cursing.
“Forget it!” Heechul shouted, not bothering to turn around. “Go back to whatever you were doing, don’t bother to give a shit that I am about to give up my freedom for two years! Oh and while you’re at it, leave in the middle of the night and never call or email me for two whole years either! Go on, forget all about me if you haven’t already! What the fuck do I matter, anyway?” He shouted, his voice cracking painfully on the last words.
“Dammit!” Hangeng cursed, both in Korean and Mandarin. Heechul was storming halfway down the hallway towards the elevator when Hangeng grabbed him, spun him around and clamped down on his arms. “STOP!” He yelled.
Heechul looked away, hating how his pulse jumped when Hangeng’s fingers dug into his skin. He clenched his jaw and refused to look at Hangeng.
“Will you STOP? And look at me please?” Hangeng said, sounding annoyed as well. Heechul put as much fire and anger into his eyes and turned to look at the man he was still hopelessly, helplessly in love with.
“You should have called me to say you were coming.” Hangeng said, suddenly sounding tired.
Heechul wrenched out of his grip and backed away.
“Yeah well I didn’t. Shows what a fool I am.” He said bitterly, and then turned away again.
“Just give me a few minutes, and then we can talk. I need to put the dogs away and…” he paused, and Heechul began to laugh, huge gulps of painful, choking laughter that sounded horrible in the dull silence of the hallway.
“And tell whoever you have in your apartment that your crazy ex boyfriend just showed up out of nowhere and they need to leave so you can talk to him?” He swallowed back the bile rising in his throat. “Don’t bother. I’m leaving.” He said, turning around again. This was not the way he had wanted things to go. All he had wanted was for Hangeng to open the door, see him there and pull him into his arms and say he still loved him and he was sorry. Had two years of no contact really not gotten through his thick skull that Hangeng was over him?
The lump in his throat began to choke him, and he swallowed hard, walking stiffly to the elevator, hitting the button once more. He heard it ding and the doors swung open. He stepped inside and then Hangeng was there, pushing at the closing doors with his hands. Heechul sighed as he succeeded, stepping inside the tiny box as the doors slid closed behind him.
“You never give me a chance!” Hangeng snapped. “You always put words in my mouth and never let me finish or explain!”
Heechul finally looked at him, and felt something familiar and dangerous tighten in his chest. He took a long, deep breath of air and felt a shudder run up his spine in warning. “Then tell me. I can’t go anywhere now, can I? So tell me. Explain.”
Hangeng’s face crumpled, his shoulders sagged and he leaned back against the wall of the elevator. Heechul watched him, wondering if he even had an explanation.
“I’m sorry I never called or contacted you. I was afraid you hated me, to be honest.”
“You’re an idiot, then.” Heechul said quietly, trying to regulate his breathing. “I don’t hate you, I love you. But evidently that doesn’t matter to you.”
Hangeng’s eyes snapped upwards, meeting Heechul’s in the small space. He looked surprised. Bitterness crawled up the back of Heechul’s throat, burning as it went, but he stayed quiet. Hangeng pulled his hands through his hair and sighed.
“I meant to. I tried to call that first week, but I was too ashamed of the way I had left. And the lawsuit happened so quickly, I just….” He paused, sighing again. “They didn’t want me to talk to any of you, and I didn’t want you to get in trouble with SM for talking to me.”
Heechul didn’t say a word, his eyes still watching Hangeng. He heard the beeps as the elevator slowly descended, but it felt like some kind of bizarre alarm clock, waking him up from a bad dream.
“And then the weeks turned into months, and I just…..I couldn’t call you. I’m sorry.”
“Do you love me, Geng?” Heechul asked, suddenly feeling bone weary and too close to an attack. The anger drained out of him, leaving only sorrow again. Hangeng’s mouth fell open at the question.
“What? Yes! You know I do!”
“No.” Heechul sighed, fumbling in his pocket. “I don’t know. You haven’t spoken to me in two years, Hangeng. Those aren’t the actions of someone in love.”
“You never called me either.” Hangeng said suddenly, looking hurt.
It hit Heechul without warning, the pain and the realization that nothing was going the way he wanted it to. And now his body was betraying him too. He closed his eyes, forcing the stale air in the elevator to enter his lungs normally. He reached inside his other jacket pocket, searching for his inhaler.
“Yes, I did.” He said carefully. “I called and left about fifty messages and texts on your phone. But it wasn’t until February of 2010 that Jungsu pointed out that I was calling your Korean phone, and you probably didn’t even have it anymore. So I stopped calling, because by then it was obvious you didn’t want to speak to me.”
Hangeng cringed, and Heechul knew it was true. He closed his eyes and was about to tell Hangeng to forget it, forget him, forget the whole thing, pretend he had never shown up at his apartment like a fool after all these years just because he was going into the army.
But he never got to say the words, because as he opened his mouth, the whole elevator shuddered violently. Hangeng’s eyes went wide and he braced himself for balance. Terror flooded through Heechul’s veins, and his lungs reacted instantly. He’d already been fighting off an asthma attack for at least five minutes, but the shock and sudden fear fed the tightening in his chest and the air in the elevator suddenly evaporated.
He reached out to brace himself on the wall too, looking up at the lighted panel above them. He wondered how far from the bottom floor they were and was about to ask Hangeng when the elevator roared like an angry elephant and the whole thing began to sway like a child’s toy in a storm.
“It’s an earthquake!” Hangeng yelled, grabbing Heechul and pulling him to the floor. Heechul had no air to protest as Hangeng threw himself over him to protect him. The elevator shrieked and groaned angrily and Heechul suddenly realized with a shock of clarity that he was going to die.
The lights flickered and went out, leaving them in total darkness. The elevator stopped swaying and slowly came to a quiet and terrifying halt.
“Heechul?” Hangeng whispered. “Are you all right?”
All Heechul could do was nod, because the terror had flooded him with adrenaline, spiking his blood pressure and tightening his lungs like a vise. The truth was, he wasn’t okay, but it was dark inside the elevator and he knew that every breath was precious. To use it on a scream was stupid.
Hangeng moved off him slowly, as if he was afraid any movement would cause the elevator to plummet downwards and kill them both. Heechul gripped the thin carpet with his fingers and closed his eyes, trying to breathe, but it was like he was underwater. He tried lifting his hands to reach inside his pocket, praying he had remembered to put his inhaler in there. It had been months since he’d had an attack. With a sinking feeling, he knew that his inhaler was sitting on his nightstand back home in Seoul.
In the absolute darkness of the elevator, Hangeng heard the sound of Heechul wheezing, and a new terror gripped him. He reached out, pulling Heechul into his arms. He was too weak to protest, which tripled Hangeng’s fear. Heechul slumped against him, wheezing horribly.
“Chul-ah.” Hangeng said softly, his voice not betraying the fear pumping through him. “Please tell me you have your inhaler.”
Heechul shook his head slowly.
Hangeng had been afraid before, but never like this. A quiet, cold terror seeped through his veins as he held Heechul in the darkness. He lifted his head to the ceiling of the tiny box, but it was at least 12 feet away. The lighted panel was dark, and Hangeng knew that the earthquake had knocked out the power. He reached over and pulled open the tiny door, fumbling in the dark for the phone he knew was there.
There was no dial tone. Disbelief washed over him and he reached inside his pocket for his mobile phone, gripping it in shaking fingers. He pressed the button and light flooded the space, illuminating Heechul’s face. Hangeng bit back a gasp. Heechul’s already pale skin had become even moreso as he struggled to breathe. He was shaking now, trembling against Hangeng’s chest. Hangeng knew how much Heechul hated this, hated the attacks that left him weak as a kitten.
He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Heechul’s temple. “I’m here.” He said, wishing now that he could take back everything he’d done. Heechul nodded slowly. Hangeng reached down and took Heechul’s hand in his and squeezed. “Just relax.” He said calmly, despite the fact that his heart was pounding in his chest.
He glanced at his mobile phone. There was no signal. He tried anyway, but there was nothing. They were trapped there until someone came to rescue them. Hangeng had no idea how bad the earthquake had been, and he could feel the elevator trembling with aftershocks.
He sat there with Heechul in his lap, his mind racing. He could try and crawl out the top somehow, but it would have been quite a feat even with Heechul helping. And he was in no shape to help. He could get up and bang on the walls and start screaming for help, hoping someone heard him, but he instinctively knew that shouting would only make the asthma attack worse.
He could feel the panic rising, but that wasn’t going to get them rescued. He set down his phone and the only sound in the tiny compartment was the sound of Heechul’s wheezing. It had become even more shallow. Awkwardly he pulled Heechul up into his arms so the other’s back was against his chest. Heechul just sagged against him and Hangeng bit down on his tongue, hating the way Heechul seemed so helpless. He was not used to seeing him this way. He was used to Heechul being brash and rude and bossy and bitchy and a little bit devious. Not wheezing and shaking from an asthma attack.
Hangeng closed his eyes and began to regulate his own breathing, his mind recalling the last time they had done this, so many years ago.
“Remember this?” He said softly, schooling his voice to calm. “Remember the last time you had an asthma attack? We were arguing then too.” He forced himself to breathe normally in the darkness.
“Mmhm.” Heechul whispered weakly, and Hangeng knew he was trying to hide how bad it was.
“Do you remember what we did then?” Heechul nodded against him, and Hangeng responded by squeezing his hand. “All right. Just listen to me breathe.” He said softly. The wheezing sound was making his heart beat wildly, but he needed to be calm now. He started to breathe loudly, in through his nose, out through his mouth.
He regulated it, breathing slowly and consistently. He listened, praying Heechul’s breath would even out and begin to match his the way it had done before, but the wheezing wasn’t going away. He squeezed Heechul’s hand again, wishing he could see him in the dark, but his eyes had only adjusted well enough to allow him to see the outline of Heechul’s body against him.
He decided to try something else. The seconds were ticking by like hours, and the fear that Heechul was really going to die from this attack became more and more real by the second.
“Heechul?” he asked softly. But the only answer came by way of a weak squeeze of his hand. Hangeng swallowed and closed his eyes, even though it was pitch black already. He didn’t know if this would work, but he there was so much left unsaid.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered quietly. “I’m sorry for leaving the way I did. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for never contacting you because I was too scared. I know it’s no good to say it now, but I do love you. I want you to not give up, because…” Hangeng paused. Because what? Because he wanted to be with Heechul again, even though somewhere above them there was a sweet, patient, pretty girl who he thought he would marry someday waiting for him, probably alone and scared and wondering where he’d gone?
These last two years he’d been convincing himself he wasn’t gay, that the thing he had had with Heechul was just some crazy hormonal reaction to the stress of being in Super Junior. He wanted to get married and have a family. He had succeeded in shoving all his memories of Kim Heechul down into a dark, locked place in his past that he tried very hard not to look at or think about anymore. And now, here Heechul was, trapped in an elevator and slowly dying from lack of oxygen. It was horribly ironic that the real Heechul was suffering the same fate the one in his memories had.
“You just have to hold on until they get here to rescue us. Everything is going to be fine.”
“Stop.” Heechul wheezed painfully, the words a weak whisper. “It doesn’t……matter if…..I have nothing….to….come home….to.”
“What do you mean?” Hangeng said, although deep down, he knew the answer already. It was a few seconds before Heechul spoke again, and Hangeng knew it was taking everything he had to both speak not to pass out from the effort.
“Doesn’t…matter…if you….love…me now. You…made your….choice. It wasn’t….me.”
The pained words cut through him and Hangeng felt tears burning at the corners of his eyes. He knew he only had a few more minutes with Heechul while he was conscious, and he knew that Heechul was right. He did make a choice, and it hadn’t been him.
“I’m sorry.” Hangeng choked out a sob. “I love you and I’m sorry, Heechul.”
But the only answer was the sensation of Heechul’s shuddering subsiding slowly. He knew he was slowly slipping into unconsciousness from lack of oxygen. Hangeng knew that if they didn’t get rescued in the next five or ten minutes, Heechul was going to die.
Panicked, he carefully laid him down in the small space and began screaming for help, banging on the walls and the doors, scraping his fingers bloody from trying to pry them open. He tried raising his mobile phone to the roof, praying for even a tiny signal, but there was none. He tried climbing the wall, but got no more than a foot or two before falling again.
There was no escape, and the reality began to sink in, deep and cold and numbing. He sat back down, pulling Heechul up and trying to breathe for him like he had seen in movies when people were drowning, but his lungs had simply closed, and the air Hangeng pushed into his mouth had nowhere to go.
The minutes ticked by like sonic booms inside his head, and he began to sob, begging Heechul to wake up and breathe, begging God for help even though he had never believed in him before. But there was nothing but the echo of his own breath in the darkness.
Hangeng closed his eyes and prayed, placing his hands over Heechul’s chest, seeking out a heartbeat.
There wasn’t one.
The worst sound in the world is silence.
They came to rescue him finally, nearly six hours later. Hangeng had slipped into a state of cold, white numbness. He heard them shouting, felt the vibrations as they fought to open the doors, but he could not move. The light seared into his eyes when they pulled him out. There were people everywhere, all shouting and calling for more help.
They took Heechul out of his arms and carried him away.
He still looked beautiful, as if he were merely sleeping.
Hangeng saw Mei Li running towards him, her face wet with tears. Her arms came around him, her voice against his neck seemed oddly muted. She was sobbing and crying his name, her small frame shaking with relief.
It was over, but it would never really be over.
He closed his eyes and let her guide him away. Heechul was gone. She was the only thing he could hang on to now.
.
Author: Ink_River10
Pairing: HanChul
Rating: R
Genre: One shot, angst
Warnings: Angst, swearing, character death
Disclaimer: I do not own Super Junior. If I did, you would know it
Summary: Heechul is about to go into the army, and decides he can’t go without confronting Hangeng first.
Note: Inspired by the song "No Air" by Jordin Sparks feat. C. Brown
Author’s Note #2: I’m gonna get soundly bricked for this one. *hides*
Heechul walked slowly down the hallway, his heart beating in his chest. He had no idea why he was here, or what he expected. He had no idea why he had talked himself into this. It was crazy, and stupid, and it was likely that he’d get his heart broken. Again.
He stopped halfway there and spun around, striding back to the elevator in disgust. This was ridiculous. He was Kim Heechul, and Kim Heechul didn’t need this bullshit. He needed to swallow it again and lock it all away again and forget this idiocy. What had he been thinking?
He slammed the elevator button and stepped back to wait.
But you’re here. Are you really going to walk away after spending two hours in an airplane and another hour in a disgusting, smelly taxi just to get here?
Annoyed, he turned around again. He heard the elevator door behind him slide open but he was walking away again, in the direction of the apartment at the far end of the hall. No, he came here to do this and he was going to do it. He was going into the army in three days and even though he knew he was too famous to be put in any kind of danger, this was still unresolved.
He came to a slow halt in front of Hangeng’s door and raised his hand to knock, but stopped. His hand stood in midair while he took a moment to breathe and prepare himself for this. He had not called to say he was coming, because he had been afraid Geng would tell him not to come. He literally had no idea what he would see, or who else might be in Geng’s apartment.
The thought made something inside his stomach clench unhappily. But before he knew what he was really doing, his knuckles had rapped hard on the door. He stood there, breathing in and out, waiting. Seconds ticked by, and he began to wonder if Hangeng was even home.
But then he heard a noise on the other end of the door, and then the frantic barking of two dogs. Heechul grimaced and bit down on his tongue. There was a scuffling noise, and the barking sounds became muffled. A second later, there was dead silence. Heechul bit down on his tongue and lifted his chin, knowing that he was being looked at through the security peephole in the door.
Slowly, he heard the locks open and the chain slide, then the door opened, revealing Hangeng standing there, gaping at him in shock.
“Heechul?” He stared at him. “What--” Hangeng said in Chinese, and then blinked, looking for a moment like he was desperately pulling Korean words from the fog of his brain. “What are you doing here?” He said, the words coming out broken and halting.
“I see you’ve forgotten everything I taught you.” Heechul said dryly.
“You…” Geng continued to stammer. “How are you here? I mean…what? …I’m sorry…”
“Stop it before you hurt yourself.” Heechul said quietly. “I came to say goodbye.”
If possible, the look of confusion on Hangeng’s face doubled. “What?”
“I’m enlisted. I leave in three days. I just wanted to come and talk to you. And to say goodbye.”
Hangeng blinked. “Oh! Um…” He turned around and glanced into his apartment, and Heechul’s stomach did a horrible, twisting flip that made him sick.
“Never mind.” He said bitterly. “I see you’re busy.” He turned around and started walking again, wishing he had never done this, wishing he hadn’t been so spontaneous and stupid. Wishing he didn’t feel his throat closing up and his eyes burning. He pushed away the hurt and pulled hard on the anger to replace it. What had he been thinking?
“Heechul-ah, wait!” Hangeng called out, and there was a flurry of barking and cursing.
“Forget it!” Heechul shouted, not bothering to turn around. “Go back to whatever you were doing, don’t bother to give a shit that I am about to give up my freedom for two years! Oh and while you’re at it, leave in the middle of the night and never call or email me for two whole years either! Go on, forget all about me if you haven’t already! What the fuck do I matter, anyway?” He shouted, his voice cracking painfully on the last words.
“Dammit!” Hangeng cursed, both in Korean and Mandarin. Heechul was storming halfway down the hallway towards the elevator when Hangeng grabbed him, spun him around and clamped down on his arms. “STOP!” He yelled.
Heechul looked away, hating how his pulse jumped when Hangeng’s fingers dug into his skin. He clenched his jaw and refused to look at Hangeng.
“Will you STOP? And look at me please?” Hangeng said, sounding annoyed as well. Heechul put as much fire and anger into his eyes and turned to look at the man he was still hopelessly, helplessly in love with.
“You should have called me to say you were coming.” Hangeng said, suddenly sounding tired.
Heechul wrenched out of his grip and backed away.
“Yeah well I didn’t. Shows what a fool I am.” He said bitterly, and then turned away again.
“Just give me a few minutes, and then we can talk. I need to put the dogs away and…” he paused, and Heechul began to laugh, huge gulps of painful, choking laughter that sounded horrible in the dull silence of the hallway.
“And tell whoever you have in your apartment that your crazy ex boyfriend just showed up out of nowhere and they need to leave so you can talk to him?” He swallowed back the bile rising in his throat. “Don’t bother. I’m leaving.” He said, turning around again. This was not the way he had wanted things to go. All he had wanted was for Hangeng to open the door, see him there and pull him into his arms and say he still loved him and he was sorry. Had two years of no contact really not gotten through his thick skull that Hangeng was over him?
The lump in his throat began to choke him, and he swallowed hard, walking stiffly to the elevator, hitting the button once more. He heard it ding and the doors swung open. He stepped inside and then Hangeng was there, pushing at the closing doors with his hands. Heechul sighed as he succeeded, stepping inside the tiny box as the doors slid closed behind him.
“You never give me a chance!” Hangeng snapped. “You always put words in my mouth and never let me finish or explain!”
Heechul finally looked at him, and felt something familiar and dangerous tighten in his chest. He took a long, deep breath of air and felt a shudder run up his spine in warning. “Then tell me. I can’t go anywhere now, can I? So tell me. Explain.”
Hangeng’s face crumpled, his shoulders sagged and he leaned back against the wall of the elevator. Heechul watched him, wondering if he even had an explanation.
“I’m sorry I never called or contacted you. I was afraid you hated me, to be honest.”
“You’re an idiot, then.” Heechul said quietly, trying to regulate his breathing. “I don’t hate you, I love you. But evidently that doesn’t matter to you.”
Hangeng’s eyes snapped upwards, meeting Heechul’s in the small space. He looked surprised. Bitterness crawled up the back of Heechul’s throat, burning as it went, but he stayed quiet. Hangeng pulled his hands through his hair and sighed.
“I meant to. I tried to call that first week, but I was too ashamed of the way I had left. And the lawsuit happened so quickly, I just….” He paused, sighing again. “They didn’t want me to talk to any of you, and I didn’t want you to get in trouble with SM for talking to me.”
Heechul didn’t say a word, his eyes still watching Hangeng. He heard the beeps as the elevator slowly descended, but it felt like some kind of bizarre alarm clock, waking him up from a bad dream.
“And then the weeks turned into months, and I just…..I couldn’t call you. I’m sorry.”
“Do you love me, Geng?” Heechul asked, suddenly feeling bone weary and too close to an attack. The anger drained out of him, leaving only sorrow again. Hangeng’s mouth fell open at the question.
“What? Yes! You know I do!”
“No.” Heechul sighed, fumbling in his pocket. “I don’t know. You haven’t spoken to me in two years, Hangeng. Those aren’t the actions of someone in love.”
“You never called me either.” Hangeng said suddenly, looking hurt.
It hit Heechul without warning, the pain and the realization that nothing was going the way he wanted it to. And now his body was betraying him too. He closed his eyes, forcing the stale air in the elevator to enter his lungs normally. He reached inside his other jacket pocket, searching for his inhaler.
“Yes, I did.” He said carefully. “I called and left about fifty messages and texts on your phone. But it wasn’t until February of 2010 that Jungsu pointed out that I was calling your Korean phone, and you probably didn’t even have it anymore. So I stopped calling, because by then it was obvious you didn’t want to speak to me.”
Hangeng cringed, and Heechul knew it was true. He closed his eyes and was about to tell Hangeng to forget it, forget him, forget the whole thing, pretend he had never shown up at his apartment like a fool after all these years just because he was going into the army.
But he never got to say the words, because as he opened his mouth, the whole elevator shuddered violently. Hangeng’s eyes went wide and he braced himself for balance. Terror flooded through Heechul’s veins, and his lungs reacted instantly. He’d already been fighting off an asthma attack for at least five minutes, but the shock and sudden fear fed the tightening in his chest and the air in the elevator suddenly evaporated.
He reached out to brace himself on the wall too, looking up at the lighted panel above them. He wondered how far from the bottom floor they were and was about to ask Hangeng when the elevator roared like an angry elephant and the whole thing began to sway like a child’s toy in a storm.
“It’s an earthquake!” Hangeng yelled, grabbing Heechul and pulling him to the floor. Heechul had no air to protest as Hangeng threw himself over him to protect him. The elevator shrieked and groaned angrily and Heechul suddenly realized with a shock of clarity that he was going to die.
The lights flickered and went out, leaving them in total darkness. The elevator stopped swaying and slowly came to a quiet and terrifying halt.
“Heechul?” Hangeng whispered. “Are you all right?”
All Heechul could do was nod, because the terror had flooded him with adrenaline, spiking his blood pressure and tightening his lungs like a vise. The truth was, he wasn’t okay, but it was dark inside the elevator and he knew that every breath was precious. To use it on a scream was stupid.
Hangeng moved off him slowly, as if he was afraid any movement would cause the elevator to plummet downwards and kill them both. Heechul gripped the thin carpet with his fingers and closed his eyes, trying to breathe, but it was like he was underwater. He tried lifting his hands to reach inside his pocket, praying he had remembered to put his inhaler in there. It had been months since he’d had an attack. With a sinking feeling, he knew that his inhaler was sitting on his nightstand back home in Seoul.
In the absolute darkness of the elevator, Hangeng heard the sound of Heechul wheezing, and a new terror gripped him. He reached out, pulling Heechul into his arms. He was too weak to protest, which tripled Hangeng’s fear. Heechul slumped against him, wheezing horribly.
“Chul-ah.” Hangeng said softly, his voice not betraying the fear pumping through him. “Please tell me you have your inhaler.”
Heechul shook his head slowly.
Hangeng had been afraid before, but never like this. A quiet, cold terror seeped through his veins as he held Heechul in the darkness. He lifted his head to the ceiling of the tiny box, but it was at least 12 feet away. The lighted panel was dark, and Hangeng knew that the earthquake had knocked out the power. He reached over and pulled open the tiny door, fumbling in the dark for the phone he knew was there.
There was no dial tone. Disbelief washed over him and he reached inside his pocket for his mobile phone, gripping it in shaking fingers. He pressed the button and light flooded the space, illuminating Heechul’s face. Hangeng bit back a gasp. Heechul’s already pale skin had become even moreso as he struggled to breathe. He was shaking now, trembling against Hangeng’s chest. Hangeng knew how much Heechul hated this, hated the attacks that left him weak as a kitten.
He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Heechul’s temple. “I’m here.” He said, wishing now that he could take back everything he’d done. Heechul nodded slowly. Hangeng reached down and took Heechul’s hand in his and squeezed. “Just relax.” He said calmly, despite the fact that his heart was pounding in his chest.
He glanced at his mobile phone. There was no signal. He tried anyway, but there was nothing. They were trapped there until someone came to rescue them. Hangeng had no idea how bad the earthquake had been, and he could feel the elevator trembling with aftershocks.
He sat there with Heechul in his lap, his mind racing. He could try and crawl out the top somehow, but it would have been quite a feat even with Heechul helping. And he was in no shape to help. He could get up and bang on the walls and start screaming for help, hoping someone heard him, but he instinctively knew that shouting would only make the asthma attack worse.
He could feel the panic rising, but that wasn’t going to get them rescued. He set down his phone and the only sound in the tiny compartment was the sound of Heechul’s wheezing. It had become even more shallow. Awkwardly he pulled Heechul up into his arms so the other’s back was against his chest. Heechul just sagged against him and Hangeng bit down on his tongue, hating the way Heechul seemed so helpless. He was not used to seeing him this way. He was used to Heechul being brash and rude and bossy and bitchy and a little bit devious. Not wheezing and shaking from an asthma attack.
Hangeng closed his eyes and began to regulate his own breathing, his mind recalling the last time they had done this, so many years ago.
“Remember this?” He said softly, schooling his voice to calm. “Remember the last time you had an asthma attack? We were arguing then too.” He forced himself to breathe normally in the darkness.
“Mmhm.” Heechul whispered weakly, and Hangeng knew he was trying to hide how bad it was.
“Do you remember what we did then?” Heechul nodded against him, and Hangeng responded by squeezing his hand. “All right. Just listen to me breathe.” He said softly. The wheezing sound was making his heart beat wildly, but he needed to be calm now. He started to breathe loudly, in through his nose, out through his mouth.
He regulated it, breathing slowly and consistently. He listened, praying Heechul’s breath would even out and begin to match his the way it had done before, but the wheezing wasn’t going away. He squeezed Heechul’s hand again, wishing he could see him in the dark, but his eyes had only adjusted well enough to allow him to see the outline of Heechul’s body against him.
He decided to try something else. The seconds were ticking by like hours, and the fear that Heechul was really going to die from this attack became more and more real by the second.
“Heechul?” he asked softly. But the only answer came by way of a weak squeeze of his hand. Hangeng swallowed and closed his eyes, even though it was pitch black already. He didn’t know if this would work, but he there was so much left unsaid.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered quietly. “I’m sorry for leaving the way I did. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for never contacting you because I was too scared. I know it’s no good to say it now, but I do love you. I want you to not give up, because…” Hangeng paused. Because what? Because he wanted to be with Heechul again, even though somewhere above them there was a sweet, patient, pretty girl who he thought he would marry someday waiting for him, probably alone and scared and wondering where he’d gone?
These last two years he’d been convincing himself he wasn’t gay, that the thing he had had with Heechul was just some crazy hormonal reaction to the stress of being in Super Junior. He wanted to get married and have a family. He had succeeded in shoving all his memories of Kim Heechul down into a dark, locked place in his past that he tried very hard not to look at or think about anymore. And now, here Heechul was, trapped in an elevator and slowly dying from lack of oxygen. It was horribly ironic that the real Heechul was suffering the same fate the one in his memories had.
“You just have to hold on until they get here to rescue us. Everything is going to be fine.”
“Stop.” Heechul wheezed painfully, the words a weak whisper. “It doesn’t……matter if…..I have nothing….to….come home….to.”
“What do you mean?” Hangeng said, although deep down, he knew the answer already. It was a few seconds before Heechul spoke again, and Hangeng knew it was taking everything he had to both speak not to pass out from the effort.
“Doesn’t…matter…if you….love…me now. You…made your….choice. It wasn’t….me.”
The pained words cut through him and Hangeng felt tears burning at the corners of his eyes. He knew he only had a few more minutes with Heechul while he was conscious, and he knew that Heechul was right. He did make a choice, and it hadn’t been him.
“I’m sorry.” Hangeng choked out a sob. “I love you and I’m sorry, Heechul.”
But the only answer was the sensation of Heechul’s shuddering subsiding slowly. He knew he was slowly slipping into unconsciousness from lack of oxygen. Hangeng knew that if they didn’t get rescued in the next five or ten minutes, Heechul was going to die.
Panicked, he carefully laid him down in the small space and began screaming for help, banging on the walls and the doors, scraping his fingers bloody from trying to pry them open. He tried raising his mobile phone to the roof, praying for even a tiny signal, but there was none. He tried climbing the wall, but got no more than a foot or two before falling again.
There was no escape, and the reality began to sink in, deep and cold and numbing. He sat back down, pulling Heechul up and trying to breathe for him like he had seen in movies when people were drowning, but his lungs had simply closed, and the air Hangeng pushed into his mouth had nowhere to go.
The minutes ticked by like sonic booms inside his head, and he began to sob, begging Heechul to wake up and breathe, begging God for help even though he had never believed in him before. But there was nothing but the echo of his own breath in the darkness.
Hangeng closed his eyes and prayed, placing his hands over Heechul’s chest, seeking out a heartbeat.
There wasn’t one.
The worst sound in the world is silence.
They came to rescue him finally, nearly six hours later. Hangeng had slipped into a state of cold, white numbness. He heard them shouting, felt the vibrations as they fought to open the doors, but he could not move. The light seared into his eyes when they pulled him out. There were people everywhere, all shouting and calling for more help.
They took Heechul out of his arms and carried him away.
He still looked beautiful, as if he were merely sleeping.
Hangeng saw Mei Li running towards him, her face wet with tears. Her arms came around him, her voice against his neck seemed oddly muted. She was sobbing and crying his name, her small frame shaking with relief.
It was over, but it would never really be over.
He closed his eyes and let her guide him away. Heechul was gone. She was the only thing he could hang on to now.
.