Dying Is A Song
Title: Dying Is A Song
Author: Ink_River10
Pairing: HanChul
Rating: R
Genre: One Shot, Angst
Warnings: Severe Angst, Character Death, did I mention ANGST?! Don't read this if you don't like ANGST! (There, are you sufficiently warned?) :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Super Junior and I make no profit from this fic
Summary: He doesn't want Him to know he's dying
Author's Note: This was the result of a really sad day. This is the angstiest thing I have ever written in my LIFE and that is saying something! Arashi_Nana I hope you like it, you angst whore you.
“Hyung please let me call him.”
“No.”
“Hyung please, he deserves to know.”
“No he doesn’t. He made a choice and that’s the end of it. I don’t want him to know and that’s it. I’m tired now, Siwon.”
He ignored the pleading look on Siwon’s face and turned away, looking out at the bright sunshine through the window. He could hear the pop and hiss of the oxygen machine and the constant hum of the other machines he was hooked up to. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and closed his eyes, willing Siwon to understand and let him be.
He felt the warm touch of Siwon’s fingers on his forehead, a gentle touch to convey that Siwon understood. He heard him get up with the scrape of the chair on linoleum.
“I’ll be back later, hyung.” Siwon said softly, and Heechul nodded, his eyes still closed. He heard Siwon leave and felt a pang of guilt for sending the younger man away. Siwon had always adored him, and been nothing but kind and sweet since the day they met so many years ago.
Heechul opened his eyes and looked out the window. Rays of sunlight poured over the thin blankets covering him. It was warm, but at least he wasn’t either sweating or shivering alternately anymore. The fever that had gripped him with an iron fist had nearly killed him this time, especially with his body already weakened by the disease eating away at him.
Stage four pancreatic cancer.
“I hate hospitals.” He whispered to no one. A bird flew up and landed on the ledge, its head moving quickly as it tried to see past the tinted window. Heechul watched it for a while, wondering why on earth a bird was more interesting than his laptop, or a movie.
He turned carefully, trying not to wince as the tubes and wires snagged on the bedding. The bird was quite beautiful, with red and black downy feathers on its front, and long sleek black feathers along its wings. The bird lifted its head and seemed to look right at Heechul through the inches of plexiglass. Then it turned, hopped a foot away and took off, rustling feathers into sunlight that made Heechul’s eyes squint against the brightness.
He looked away from the window, unwilling to get caught up in yet another creature that fascinated him and then left him.
~~
“I’m sorry, Mr. Kim. We can’t let you go home unless you are on hospice care.” The doctor said, his dark brown eyes full of remorse. “The cancer has spread too far. You need to stay here for more treatments.”
“How long?” Heechul said, amazed the words came out so evenly, so calmly. “How much more time do I have?”
“A few weeks to a month. I’m sorry.” The doctor said quietly. “I’ll give you as much time as you can. You may go home on hospice or stay here, it’s your choice.”
“I’ll stay here.” Heechul said quietly, the idea of being at home in the dorms, surrounded by upset dongsaengs and one freaked out Jungsu was too much. Better to stay here and let them get on with their lives than to be faced with a dying hyung every day.
He lifted his head and pushed at the hat he was wearing, painfully conscious of the fact that all his beautiful hair was gone, stolen by the radiation. He was practically a skeleton now. No one wanted to see that. It would be better for them, in the end.
The doctor nodded and left, leaving Heechul alone to come to grips with the fact that he was at the final stage now. Three years he had fought this, keeping it a secret from everyone except those he trusted most. Three years spent being strong, laughing in the face of this disease, shaking his fists at the doctors and nurses, cursing when he was annoyed, or biting his lip so hard it bled so that no one would see how much pain he was in. Three years in a battle with cancer that he always knew he would lose in the end.
And that meant four years without Hankyung.
The thought had come to him so quietly, sneaking in silently like a thief stealing dreams. Heechul swallowed, gritting his teeth and forcing back the white hot burning sensation that was already crawling through his chest at the mere thought of Hankyung.
No. I won’t give in now. He made his choice.
As if the universe had heard him, his cell phone buzzed on the little table next to his bed. He reached out gingerly and picked it up. It was Jungsu. Heechul swallowed again, knowing he would have to tell his friend the truth.
“Hello?”
“Heechul-ah, it’s Jungsu.”
“I know that, dork.” Heechul smiled fondly. He wanted more than anything to never have to tell his friend that he only had a few weeks left. Jungsu had been his friend for so long now that the idea of telling him sent Heechul’s heart into his toes. He already had so much on his plate, say nothing about Heechul dying on him.
“How are you feeling today? Did they give you the results of your tests?” Jungsu chirped hopefully through the phone.
Heechul waited only a heartbeat too long. Jungsu knew him too well to be fooled by Kim Heechul anymore. “It’s bad, isn’t it.” Jungsu asked quietly, and Heechul could envision him sitting quietly in his room at the dorms, his knees pulled tight to his chest.
“I have a few weeks, maybe a month.” Heechul said softly. There was silence on the other end, and Heechul could tell Jungsu was crying. “Please don’t…” Heechul began, but Jungsu interrupted.
“I’m calling him, Heechul. It’s cruel not to.”
“No…please, don’t.” Heechul’s voice cracked. He was strong, but even Kim Heechul has his limits.
“Heechul, you have to tell him, or let one of us do it! Siwon is all tied up in knots over this, and this will tip him over the edge if he finds out you have such a small amount of time left!”
“I don’t want him to see me like this!” Heechul cried, panic and the sting of old wounds washing over him. He was cracking open despite the years of stubbornly keeping it in. “He left me, Jungsu-yah! He made his choice! I don’t want him to feel obligated to come back here and see me! I have lost all my hair, and I’m a skeleton! Do you think I can handle seeing him now? It will kill me for sure. Please…don’t make me face him now.” He finished, his voice shaking.
“Heechul, HanGeng loves you!” Jungsu cried.
“Then why didn’t he stay with me?” Heechul choked. “If he loves me, why wasn’t he there when I needed him?”
As much as he wanted to, Jungsu had no answer.
~~
One by one, they came to visit him. Siwon came every day, his face looking more and more haggard and upset, until his eyes were red rimmed and his face puffy from crying.
“Hyung….please….let me call HanGeng.” He begged. Heechul was exhausted. Donghae had left only 20 minutes prior to Siwon arriving, and that had left him feeling drained and tired. Donghae had already lost his father, and now he was losing his favorite hyung too. He felt as if everyone that walked through the door was shredding his life away so they could keep a piece of him for themselves. A part of him wanted this, knew it was necessary, and yet it was painful. He didn’t want to die, but death was coming for him and even the Great Kim Heechul is not immortal.
“No, Siwon.” He sighed quietly. “I don’t want you to.”
Siwon left with a hug, and Heechul could feel the disappointment coming off him in waves. And it wasn’t over yet. The last one left (other than Him) was Ryeowook.
Ryeowook; his little dongsaeng…his rice brother. Ryeowook, who had painstakingly learned how to knit so he could make hats for Heechul to both conceal his lack of hair and keep his head warm. Ryeowook, who up until now had been so very brave, always appearing with a smile on his face.
He came alone, which surprised Heechul. Sungmin almost always went with Ryeowook everywhere now, especially with this personal crisis affecting them all so much. Heechul knew Sungmin cared more about Ryeowook than he ever dared admit, and he knew he would not live to see them finally figure it out for themselves. He hoped someday that they would realize they were meant to be together.
I once thought that about Him. How naïve I was.
Ryeowook came bearing Heechul’s favorite cookies, slightly under-baked so they were easier to chew and swallow. He cried rivers onto Heechul’s shoulder while Heechul rubbed his back gently, knowing this was the only way Wook would be able to say goodbye.
He didn’t know how long they laid there together on his hospital bed, Ryeowook’s tears soaking into the soft cotton of his pajamas. It may have been minutes or hours. He drifted in and out, refracted dreams coming in disjointed forms, until he awoke to feel Ryeowook kissing his cheek.
“Goodbye, hyung.”
Heechul smiled.
“Goodbye, Ryeowookie. Be good to your hyungs.” He said as he drifted back into a warm, sleepy fog, knowing that his request was already fulfilled before he asked it.
~~
It came down to light and dark now. The cancer ate away at him by the hour, it seemed. When he was awake he was in a dream-like state, with nurses and doctors on a constant cycle around him. Sometimes the sunshine was so bright it seared his eyes, and other times the night was so dark he wondered if he had already died and was lost in the blackness.
He had no idea how much time had passed when he woke to see Siwon sitting in the chair next to his bed, his head lying on the mattress. It was daylight, but not so bright that it hurt to open his eyes. He looked down at Siwon and smiled weakly, wondering how long he had been there.
“Hey, Horse.” Heechul whispered, laying his hand on Siwon’s soft brown hair. Siwon looked up, and Heechul knew he had been crying again. Something guilty and horrible carved into Heechul’s chest, and he pushed away the tears that threatened at the corners of his eyes. Seeing Siwon cry was terrible, and he knew he was the reason. “Hey, don’t cry. M’not dead yet.” He said, searching for humor in the sadness.
“I’m sorry, hyung. Please don’t be upset with me.”
“Why would I be upset with you?” Heechul asked heavily, the air tightening in his chest because he felt that he already knew what Siwon was going to say.
“I called him. I couldn’t bear not to anymore. I didn’t want him to be too late.”
Silence descended and reality set in as his tired brain received and processed this information.
Siwon had called Hankyung--no… HanGeng.
Heechul took a few moments in silence, struggling with the emotions sparking through his veins. The pain clawed at him and he gripped the sheets, knowing it was more than just physical now. His heart seemed to be squeezing and beating harder, fear and hope coming alive in equal amounts.
“And?”
Would he even come back? What if he can’t come after all and I waited too long?
“He’s on his way. He’ll be here in a few hours. Leeteuk-hyung is picking him up at the airport.”
Heechul laid there for a moment, feeling the air in his lungs constricting, squeezing out until he felt like there was no more air to breathe. The incessant beeping of the machines increased, and Siwon’s eyes went round as he watched the alarms begin to go off. Nurses rushed in, pushing Siwon away roughly and Heechul shook his head, feeling dizzy and faint from the pressure in his chest.
Oh God he’s coming. Hankyung is coming back. He’ll be here and I will see him again.
“Hyung I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” Siwon cried, and Heechul felt a cold sensation in his arm, a sure sign that the nurse had administered a sedative. Within seconds, his heartbeat calmed, and the machines stopped screaming. The nurse exhaled in relief and went to reassure Siwon that Heechul was all right, and that she had given him a sedative. Heechul could hear their voices begin to fade as his body gave in to the medication. Against his will his eyes closed, and he slipped into the calm, peaceful, quiet bliss.
~~
When he awoke, it was dark in the room. He was groggy and his mouth felt like cotton. The effort it took to lift his arm to reach for the bottle of water by his bedside was too much, and he gave up. But miraculously, the straw was suddenly at his lips, and he drank deeply, swallowing gratefully as the cool water slid down his throat.
He opened his eyes to thank whoever had pressed the straw to his lips and wondered if maybe he was hallucinating.
Hankyung.
Heechul simply stared at the beautiful man in front of him. He watched as Hankyung set the bottle of water back on the table and turned back to him. He looked so different now, and yet totally the same. His hair was jet black, his skin tanned and warm looking. He had filled out nicely now that he was no longer being starved by the constant pressures of SM and the brutal schedules. His eyes were still that same soft brown that pierced through all of Heechul’s defenses and left him helpless. Hankyung looked positively gorgeous, and Heechul felt that same familiar pressure in his chest.
How stupid he had been to think he had gotten over this man. One simple glance and he was in love again.
I can’t believe you’re really here.
“Hello, Heechul.” Hankyung whispered softly, and the last remaining willpower Heechul had crumbled, and the tears burned hotly at the corners of his eyes, spilling down his cheeks and landing wetly on the blanket. There was no more pride, no more shame. He had nothing left but this.
“I didn’t want you to see me like this.” Heechul said, his voice cracking from the pain in his chest and the twisting, clawing pain deep in his body.
“You should have told me.” Hankyung whispered, and Heechul swallowed thickly. “I would have come sooner.”
The old Heechul would have scoffed, throwing up walls with derisive words and body language. But he had nothing left. Every shred of energy he had left was being used to simply breathe, and the room was going slightly hazy. The only thing that remained solid was this man in front of him.
“I wasn’t….sure….if you would.” Heechul said slowly, every word coming slower than the last.
There was a flash of pain in Hankyung’s eyes, and then his hands were on Heechul’s cheeks, and the warmth from those fingers seeped into his skin, pulling him back out of the haze. He couldn’t have moved if he had wanted to. Time stopped, sound slid into white noise and there was nothing but the two of them.
When Hankyung’s lips moved ghost-like over Heechul’s, there was a moment of pure bliss….where the pain vanished and the blood in his veins came alive again, infused with a power so ancient that it literally took Heechul’s breath away.
Hankyung kissed him, bringing back every memory of nights spent together on their beds, arms and legs entangled, heated kisses, their bodies connected with a fire so bright that it burned them. Heechul felt it again, felt every cell in his body waking up in recognition of a Love so powerful that it literally stopped the pain.
He kissed Hankyung back, because he loved him. He had always loved him and always would. Suddenly it didn’t matter anymore that he was dying, because Hankyung was here, and Hankyung loved him after all. Years spent alone no longer mattered because here, right now, Hankyung had come back to him.
When Hankyung pulled away, Heechul drifted back to the pillow, the bed, the IV in his arm, the machines, and the distinct scent of disinfectant. The pain crept back in slower this time, but steadier and stronger until it began to eclipse everything. Furious about being pushed away, the disease retaliated, and Heechul could only grip Hankyung’s hand and hold on as wave after wave of pain clawed at his insides.
Through it all Hankyung’s hand in his anchored him there.
“Kyungie…” Heechul gasped, struggling against the pain, only hearing the machines beeping in alarm like some distant thing that was happening in another dimension. "I'm scared."
“I’m right here.” Hankyung squeezed again, and Heechul forced his eyes open. Hankyung was there, his outline shining so bright that it was nearly blinding. Heechul could see the fear in his eyes and knew this was his last chance. The room was spinning and the only thing keeping him from being thrown into the vortex was Hankyung’s hand, so firm and solid in his own. He squeezed tighter, fighting against the waves of pain that were pulling him under. He was drowning slowly and there was nothing he could do to stop it. But he had to say it. He had to tell him …to let him know the truth.
“I love you.” He said, his voice barely a whisper.
Then there was a welcome pressure, Hankyung’s body settling gently and carefully over his, the weight of him holding Heechul there as an unspoken reassurance.
“I love you too.” He heard Hankyung say, and even though his voice was choked with emotion, it was still strong. He’d always been stronger than Heechul. “It’s okay to stop fighting, Heechul. I love you and I won’t let go.”
He felt it seeping through him like a fog, numbing his fingers even though they were clenched in Hankyung’s. He felt the numbness icing through his veins and then the pain stopped so suddenly that it made him gasp in shock. He felt a surge of energy as Hankyung’s arms wrapped around him, holding onto him and he exhaled, because he wasn’t alone anymore.
I’m not alone anymore. It’s okay to stop fighting.
So he did.
~~
Hankyung knew when it happened. He felt the air leave Heechul’s lungs, and yet he could not let go. He knew instinctively that Heechul had been waiting for him. Waiting for so many years and through the cancer and the radiation, through the pain and the loneliness. But now he was gone, and it was over.
The doctor came up and shut off the machines one by one until there was silence. There was a warm hand on his shoulder, and he knew it was a silent communication.
Take your time.
Hankyung laid Heechul back on the bed and looked down at him. He looked peaceful, even though the cancer had taken his hair and there were dark circles under his eyes. Hankyung wondered how he had survived that long and still managed to look so beautiful. It didn’t seem real or possible, but it was. He looked angelic even, cocooned against the pillows and blankets.
Something inside his chest cracked open and bled, and he wanted to howl in grief and loss. Instead, Hankyung bowed low over Heechul’s still warm body, and wept.
Fin
A/N #2: I was listening to this song when I was writing this fic. I tried to embed the video on this LJ entry but it wouldn't work, so here is the link. It's MiA by IU.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eq1X_Qi6MTU
Author: Ink_River10
Pairing: HanChul
Rating: R
Genre: One Shot, Angst
Warnings: Severe Angst, Character Death, did I mention ANGST?! Don't read this if you don't like ANGST! (There, are you sufficiently warned?) :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Super Junior and I make no profit from this fic
Summary: He doesn't want Him to know he's dying
Author's Note: This was the result of a really sad day. This is the angstiest thing I have ever written in my LIFE and that is saying something! Arashi_Nana I hope you like it, you angst whore you.
“Hyung please let me call him.”
“No.”
“Hyung please, he deserves to know.”
“No he doesn’t. He made a choice and that’s the end of it. I don’t want him to know and that’s it. I’m tired now, Siwon.”
He ignored the pleading look on Siwon’s face and turned away, looking out at the bright sunshine through the window. He could hear the pop and hiss of the oxygen machine and the constant hum of the other machines he was hooked up to. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and closed his eyes, willing Siwon to understand and let him be.
He felt the warm touch of Siwon’s fingers on his forehead, a gentle touch to convey that Siwon understood. He heard him get up with the scrape of the chair on linoleum.
“I’ll be back later, hyung.” Siwon said softly, and Heechul nodded, his eyes still closed. He heard Siwon leave and felt a pang of guilt for sending the younger man away. Siwon had always adored him, and been nothing but kind and sweet since the day they met so many years ago.
Heechul opened his eyes and looked out the window. Rays of sunlight poured over the thin blankets covering him. It was warm, but at least he wasn’t either sweating or shivering alternately anymore. The fever that had gripped him with an iron fist had nearly killed him this time, especially with his body already weakened by the disease eating away at him.
Stage four pancreatic cancer.
“I hate hospitals.” He whispered to no one. A bird flew up and landed on the ledge, its head moving quickly as it tried to see past the tinted window. Heechul watched it for a while, wondering why on earth a bird was more interesting than his laptop, or a movie.
He turned carefully, trying not to wince as the tubes and wires snagged on the bedding. The bird was quite beautiful, with red and black downy feathers on its front, and long sleek black feathers along its wings. The bird lifted its head and seemed to look right at Heechul through the inches of plexiglass. Then it turned, hopped a foot away and took off, rustling feathers into sunlight that made Heechul’s eyes squint against the brightness.
He looked away from the window, unwilling to get caught up in yet another creature that fascinated him and then left him.
~~
“I’m sorry, Mr. Kim. We can’t let you go home unless you are on hospice care.” The doctor said, his dark brown eyes full of remorse. “The cancer has spread too far. You need to stay here for more treatments.”
“How long?” Heechul said, amazed the words came out so evenly, so calmly. “How much more time do I have?”
“A few weeks to a month. I’m sorry.” The doctor said quietly. “I’ll give you as much time as you can. You may go home on hospice or stay here, it’s your choice.”
“I’ll stay here.” Heechul said quietly, the idea of being at home in the dorms, surrounded by upset dongsaengs and one freaked out Jungsu was too much. Better to stay here and let them get on with their lives than to be faced with a dying hyung every day.
He lifted his head and pushed at the hat he was wearing, painfully conscious of the fact that all his beautiful hair was gone, stolen by the radiation. He was practically a skeleton now. No one wanted to see that. It would be better for them, in the end.
The doctor nodded and left, leaving Heechul alone to come to grips with the fact that he was at the final stage now. Three years he had fought this, keeping it a secret from everyone except those he trusted most. Three years spent being strong, laughing in the face of this disease, shaking his fists at the doctors and nurses, cursing when he was annoyed, or biting his lip so hard it bled so that no one would see how much pain he was in. Three years in a battle with cancer that he always knew he would lose in the end.
And that meant four years without Hankyung.
The thought had come to him so quietly, sneaking in silently like a thief stealing dreams. Heechul swallowed, gritting his teeth and forcing back the white hot burning sensation that was already crawling through his chest at the mere thought of Hankyung.
No. I won’t give in now. He made his choice.
As if the universe had heard him, his cell phone buzzed on the little table next to his bed. He reached out gingerly and picked it up. It was Jungsu. Heechul swallowed again, knowing he would have to tell his friend the truth.
“Hello?”
“Heechul-ah, it’s Jungsu.”
“I know that, dork.” Heechul smiled fondly. He wanted more than anything to never have to tell his friend that he only had a few weeks left. Jungsu had been his friend for so long now that the idea of telling him sent Heechul’s heart into his toes. He already had so much on his plate, say nothing about Heechul dying on him.
“How are you feeling today? Did they give you the results of your tests?” Jungsu chirped hopefully through the phone.
Heechul waited only a heartbeat too long. Jungsu knew him too well to be fooled by Kim Heechul anymore. “It’s bad, isn’t it.” Jungsu asked quietly, and Heechul could envision him sitting quietly in his room at the dorms, his knees pulled tight to his chest.
“I have a few weeks, maybe a month.” Heechul said softly. There was silence on the other end, and Heechul could tell Jungsu was crying. “Please don’t…” Heechul began, but Jungsu interrupted.
“I’m calling him, Heechul. It’s cruel not to.”
“No…please, don’t.” Heechul’s voice cracked. He was strong, but even Kim Heechul has his limits.
“Heechul, you have to tell him, or let one of us do it! Siwon is all tied up in knots over this, and this will tip him over the edge if he finds out you have such a small amount of time left!”
“I don’t want him to see me like this!” Heechul cried, panic and the sting of old wounds washing over him. He was cracking open despite the years of stubbornly keeping it in. “He left me, Jungsu-yah! He made his choice! I don’t want him to feel obligated to come back here and see me! I have lost all my hair, and I’m a skeleton! Do you think I can handle seeing him now? It will kill me for sure. Please…don’t make me face him now.” He finished, his voice shaking.
“Heechul, HanGeng loves you!” Jungsu cried.
“Then why didn’t he stay with me?” Heechul choked. “If he loves me, why wasn’t he there when I needed him?”
As much as he wanted to, Jungsu had no answer.
~~
One by one, they came to visit him. Siwon came every day, his face looking more and more haggard and upset, until his eyes were red rimmed and his face puffy from crying.
“Hyung….please….let me call HanGeng.” He begged. Heechul was exhausted. Donghae had left only 20 minutes prior to Siwon arriving, and that had left him feeling drained and tired. Donghae had already lost his father, and now he was losing his favorite hyung too. He felt as if everyone that walked through the door was shredding his life away so they could keep a piece of him for themselves. A part of him wanted this, knew it was necessary, and yet it was painful. He didn’t want to die, but death was coming for him and even the Great Kim Heechul is not immortal.
“No, Siwon.” He sighed quietly. “I don’t want you to.”
Siwon left with a hug, and Heechul could feel the disappointment coming off him in waves. And it wasn’t over yet. The last one left (other than Him) was Ryeowook.
Ryeowook; his little dongsaeng…his rice brother. Ryeowook, who had painstakingly learned how to knit so he could make hats for Heechul to both conceal his lack of hair and keep his head warm. Ryeowook, who up until now had been so very brave, always appearing with a smile on his face.
He came alone, which surprised Heechul. Sungmin almost always went with Ryeowook everywhere now, especially with this personal crisis affecting them all so much. Heechul knew Sungmin cared more about Ryeowook than he ever dared admit, and he knew he would not live to see them finally figure it out for themselves. He hoped someday that they would realize they were meant to be together.
I once thought that about Him. How naïve I was.
Ryeowook came bearing Heechul’s favorite cookies, slightly under-baked so they were easier to chew and swallow. He cried rivers onto Heechul’s shoulder while Heechul rubbed his back gently, knowing this was the only way Wook would be able to say goodbye.
He didn’t know how long they laid there together on his hospital bed, Ryeowook’s tears soaking into the soft cotton of his pajamas. It may have been minutes or hours. He drifted in and out, refracted dreams coming in disjointed forms, until he awoke to feel Ryeowook kissing his cheek.
“Goodbye, hyung.”
Heechul smiled.
“Goodbye, Ryeowookie. Be good to your hyungs.” He said as he drifted back into a warm, sleepy fog, knowing that his request was already fulfilled before he asked it.
~~
It came down to light and dark now. The cancer ate away at him by the hour, it seemed. When he was awake he was in a dream-like state, with nurses and doctors on a constant cycle around him. Sometimes the sunshine was so bright it seared his eyes, and other times the night was so dark he wondered if he had already died and was lost in the blackness.
He had no idea how much time had passed when he woke to see Siwon sitting in the chair next to his bed, his head lying on the mattress. It was daylight, but not so bright that it hurt to open his eyes. He looked down at Siwon and smiled weakly, wondering how long he had been there.
“Hey, Horse.” Heechul whispered, laying his hand on Siwon’s soft brown hair. Siwon looked up, and Heechul knew he had been crying again. Something guilty and horrible carved into Heechul’s chest, and he pushed away the tears that threatened at the corners of his eyes. Seeing Siwon cry was terrible, and he knew he was the reason. “Hey, don’t cry. M’not dead yet.” He said, searching for humor in the sadness.
“I’m sorry, hyung. Please don’t be upset with me.”
“Why would I be upset with you?” Heechul asked heavily, the air tightening in his chest because he felt that he already knew what Siwon was going to say.
“I called him. I couldn’t bear not to anymore. I didn’t want him to be too late.”
Silence descended and reality set in as his tired brain received and processed this information.
Siwon had called Hankyung--no… HanGeng.
Heechul took a few moments in silence, struggling with the emotions sparking through his veins. The pain clawed at him and he gripped the sheets, knowing it was more than just physical now. His heart seemed to be squeezing and beating harder, fear and hope coming alive in equal amounts.
“And?”
Would he even come back? What if he can’t come after all and I waited too long?
“He’s on his way. He’ll be here in a few hours. Leeteuk-hyung is picking him up at the airport.”
Heechul laid there for a moment, feeling the air in his lungs constricting, squeezing out until he felt like there was no more air to breathe. The incessant beeping of the machines increased, and Siwon’s eyes went round as he watched the alarms begin to go off. Nurses rushed in, pushing Siwon away roughly and Heechul shook his head, feeling dizzy and faint from the pressure in his chest.
Oh God he’s coming. Hankyung is coming back. He’ll be here and I will see him again.
“Hyung I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” Siwon cried, and Heechul felt a cold sensation in his arm, a sure sign that the nurse had administered a sedative. Within seconds, his heartbeat calmed, and the machines stopped screaming. The nurse exhaled in relief and went to reassure Siwon that Heechul was all right, and that she had given him a sedative. Heechul could hear their voices begin to fade as his body gave in to the medication. Against his will his eyes closed, and he slipped into the calm, peaceful, quiet bliss.
~~
When he awoke, it was dark in the room. He was groggy and his mouth felt like cotton. The effort it took to lift his arm to reach for the bottle of water by his bedside was too much, and he gave up. But miraculously, the straw was suddenly at his lips, and he drank deeply, swallowing gratefully as the cool water slid down his throat.
He opened his eyes to thank whoever had pressed the straw to his lips and wondered if maybe he was hallucinating.
Hankyung.
Heechul simply stared at the beautiful man in front of him. He watched as Hankyung set the bottle of water back on the table and turned back to him. He looked so different now, and yet totally the same. His hair was jet black, his skin tanned and warm looking. He had filled out nicely now that he was no longer being starved by the constant pressures of SM and the brutal schedules. His eyes were still that same soft brown that pierced through all of Heechul’s defenses and left him helpless. Hankyung looked positively gorgeous, and Heechul felt that same familiar pressure in his chest.
How stupid he had been to think he had gotten over this man. One simple glance and he was in love again.
I can’t believe you’re really here.
“Hello, Heechul.” Hankyung whispered softly, and the last remaining willpower Heechul had crumbled, and the tears burned hotly at the corners of his eyes, spilling down his cheeks and landing wetly on the blanket. There was no more pride, no more shame. He had nothing left but this.
“I didn’t want you to see me like this.” Heechul said, his voice cracking from the pain in his chest and the twisting, clawing pain deep in his body.
“You should have told me.” Hankyung whispered, and Heechul swallowed thickly. “I would have come sooner.”
The old Heechul would have scoffed, throwing up walls with derisive words and body language. But he had nothing left. Every shred of energy he had left was being used to simply breathe, and the room was going slightly hazy. The only thing that remained solid was this man in front of him.
“I wasn’t….sure….if you would.” Heechul said slowly, every word coming slower than the last.
There was a flash of pain in Hankyung’s eyes, and then his hands were on Heechul’s cheeks, and the warmth from those fingers seeped into his skin, pulling him back out of the haze. He couldn’t have moved if he had wanted to. Time stopped, sound slid into white noise and there was nothing but the two of them.
When Hankyung’s lips moved ghost-like over Heechul’s, there was a moment of pure bliss….where the pain vanished and the blood in his veins came alive again, infused with a power so ancient that it literally took Heechul’s breath away.
Hankyung kissed him, bringing back every memory of nights spent together on their beds, arms and legs entangled, heated kisses, their bodies connected with a fire so bright that it burned them. Heechul felt it again, felt every cell in his body waking up in recognition of a Love so powerful that it literally stopped the pain.
He kissed Hankyung back, because he loved him. He had always loved him and always would. Suddenly it didn’t matter anymore that he was dying, because Hankyung was here, and Hankyung loved him after all. Years spent alone no longer mattered because here, right now, Hankyung had come back to him.
When Hankyung pulled away, Heechul drifted back to the pillow, the bed, the IV in his arm, the machines, and the distinct scent of disinfectant. The pain crept back in slower this time, but steadier and stronger until it began to eclipse everything. Furious about being pushed away, the disease retaliated, and Heechul could only grip Hankyung’s hand and hold on as wave after wave of pain clawed at his insides.
Through it all Hankyung’s hand in his anchored him there.
“Kyungie…” Heechul gasped, struggling against the pain, only hearing the machines beeping in alarm like some distant thing that was happening in another dimension. "I'm scared."
“I’m right here.” Hankyung squeezed again, and Heechul forced his eyes open. Hankyung was there, his outline shining so bright that it was nearly blinding. Heechul could see the fear in his eyes and knew this was his last chance. The room was spinning and the only thing keeping him from being thrown into the vortex was Hankyung’s hand, so firm and solid in his own. He squeezed tighter, fighting against the waves of pain that were pulling him under. He was drowning slowly and there was nothing he could do to stop it. But he had to say it. He had to tell him …to let him know the truth.
“I love you.” He said, his voice barely a whisper.
Then there was a welcome pressure, Hankyung’s body settling gently and carefully over his, the weight of him holding Heechul there as an unspoken reassurance.
“I love you too.” He heard Hankyung say, and even though his voice was choked with emotion, it was still strong. He’d always been stronger than Heechul. “It’s okay to stop fighting, Heechul. I love you and I won’t let go.”
He felt it seeping through him like a fog, numbing his fingers even though they were clenched in Hankyung’s. He felt the numbness icing through his veins and then the pain stopped so suddenly that it made him gasp in shock. He felt a surge of energy as Hankyung’s arms wrapped around him, holding onto him and he exhaled, because he wasn’t alone anymore.
I’m not alone anymore. It’s okay to stop fighting.
So he did.
~~
Hankyung knew when it happened. He felt the air leave Heechul’s lungs, and yet he could not let go. He knew instinctively that Heechul had been waiting for him. Waiting for so many years and through the cancer and the radiation, through the pain and the loneliness. But now he was gone, and it was over.
The doctor came up and shut off the machines one by one until there was silence. There was a warm hand on his shoulder, and he knew it was a silent communication.
Take your time.
Hankyung laid Heechul back on the bed and looked down at him. He looked peaceful, even though the cancer had taken his hair and there were dark circles under his eyes. Hankyung wondered how he had survived that long and still managed to look so beautiful. It didn’t seem real or possible, but it was. He looked angelic even, cocooned against the pillows and blankets.
Something inside his chest cracked open and bled, and he wanted to howl in grief and loss. Instead, Hankyung bowed low over Heechul’s still warm body, and wept.
Fin
A/N #2: I was listening to this song when I was writing this fic. I tried to embed the video on this LJ entry but it wouldn't work, so here is the link. It's MiA by IU.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eq1X_Qi6MTU