[Fanfiction] What Is Love? - I. Love Is A Beginning
Title: What Is Love?
Part: 1 of 3
Author: inkcharm_666
Fandom: Moonchild
Characters: Kei, Sho
Warnings: fluff, sexual references
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own Moonchild, Kei, Sho or anything that awesome at all, really.
Notes: Dedicated to plain_ornament for too many reasons to name here, given to you all for Christmas. Ho ho ho~
What Is Love?
Prologue
~*~
What is love?
~*~
Have you ever found yourself pondering this question, but failed to come up with an answer? Let me help you out.
Love is an emotion - that much is clear - or rather a number of emotions related to a sense of strong affection and attachment. As an abstract concept love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person. My, aren’t we smart today?
Either that or we just opened Wikipedia in the hopes of someone giving us an easy answer. That’s not going to happen today, though. The truth is, defining love is like limiting the sky - entirely possible, but only something spoilsports would do.
The term nowadays is used very loosely. Love describes many things, from the relationship between you and your pet to the way you might regard a certain special dish.
Is love outdated? Has it been replaced by affections gained more easily? Is it too much trouble to search for your fairytale and gain your happily ever after? Why is the love we hear about always something so impossible, so far from our daily lives that we must wonder how to ever achieve it?
Let me get one thing straight: This is not a fairy tale. And we all know that the scenario of a romantic involvement between a vampire and human alone would promise a lot of heartbreak in the long run. Vampires are not exactly known for being perfect lovers, and let me tell you that “happy” is not how they felt upon their ending. But that is another story entirely, one we are not going to indulge in at this point.
Within this story, we shall attempt to discover the nature of love. Come dreamer, fly away into a tale spun by two souls ever drifting towards each other. Each story has its moment, and now it is time to tell this story and no other. Let yourself fall into a world of letters and images and feelings, close your eyes and give in… and now… answer a question.
~*~
What is love?
~*~
I. Love is a beginning
~*~
Sometimes love is born from desire.
~*~
Sho desires Kei. That much is clear. It shames him and it excites him and it leaves him utterly confused. He has known Kei for a long time now and in all that time the only changes he has ever perceived about the vampire were the length of his hair and canines respectively. Other than that, his guardian looks the same now as he did a year ago when Sho was fifteen.
Kei is still as small as he was then - only Sho is now taller. The paleness of his skin is the same as is the moss-green of his eyes, unusually wide and round for a man with Japanese heritage. Then again, with the colour of hair and eyes and Kei’s tendency to avoid speaking of himself, he might just as well hail from a mixed background. For some reason however, Sho finds himself doubting that. At any rate the point is that Sho has no idea what changed, why he feels pulled towards Kei like this now when he wasn't before, and his thoughts linger on this for a while before he flinches.
He has been thinking about Kei again, as he does far too often these days. Sometimes he feels like he needs to stop, lest the vampire catches onto him. That would not be a good thing at all. Kei has been like a parent to him, and is now something between a brother and a friend. It is not good to lust after such a person. The only thing that would accomplish are unnecessary complications down the road . And if there is anything they are certainly not in need of, it's exactly that. Things are rough enough as they are.
So he swears to keep his lust to himself. It's not like he is gay at any rate. He's been with girls, though there was never anything serious.
It is a pity that Sho at this stage in his life does not yet possess a very deep power of self-observation. Not that he ever will mind you, but had he spent more time watching himself than Kei he would have noticed something. Over the past year as he has started making himself more familiar with the female population of Mallepa there has always been a certain moment when he decides to dump the girl and enjoy being alone for a while.
The moments plays out something like this. Sho comes home some nights and Kei simply looks at him. As their eyes meet and they are both well aware that Sho has been intimate with some random girl, an irrational feeling of shame always wells up within the young human. It's almost as though he has betrayed his guardian, though he knows the notion is foolish and Kei's thoughts would never stray there. Still, he can't help it. So he ends up breaking things up at the same rate that his dreams change. The faceless and nameless girls plucking the strings of his body in the deep of the night change, but they don't become equally indistinguishable men. They become one man. One vampire, beautiful and deadly and mysterious and utterly gorgeous.
He dreams of Kei naked, pale on black sheets, arching with feline grace. He always wakes from these dreams painfully hard or with wetness staining his blankets. They make him feel ashamed, especially because he knows that Kei can smell his desire. His only hope to save him from utter embarrassment is that the vampire may not know whom Sho is lusting after.
They've had the talk a few years ago, of course, and it has left both of them pretty much scarred for life. But still Sho can't quite accept the fact that he apparently lusts after another man; this man in particular. And yet all he wants is to hold that small body close to him, feel the chilled skin warm under his touch and his alone. And in the dark of the night he is afraid to admit that his wet dreams might harbour a feeling that is more than lust and desire. As long as he doesn't acknowledge it, things will be fine. It's probably a phase, as so many things his age are supposed to be phases - it's what Kei has smugly declared upon seeing the rat tails, after all, though Sho is working hard on proving him wrong. At any rate, he knows this one is just a phase. It has to be.
As Kei walks out of the shower in nothing but a towel and damp skin, Sho clings to the armrests of his chair and grits his teeth. Damn the vampire for looking like a wet dream come true. Who can possibly blame his hormone driven mind for lusting after this?
It's when Kei wanders over towards him that things become decidedly awkward. The blonde man smells of cheap shower gel and hot water. He always showers so hot that his skin will be bright red at least for a moment or two when he is done, claiming it makes him feel more alive. Sho finds himself wondering how alive Kei would feel when being held. Or fucked. Both. Damn it!
His eyes must be bulging, for Kei pauses in leaning over.
“What?”
Sho has to swallow several times before his throat loosens enough to give an answer. “Uhn...” Well. It's a try. Maybe with some patience and less dusky nipples at eye level, he'll be able to string several syllables together. Right.
“Poor Sho.” The cigarette is pulled from his lips. He has to sit very still and wonders why he doesn't believe in any deities. Now would be a good time to pray for not getting a hard on. But the vampire just takes a drag or two and places the stick right back between his human's lips, watching him with a strange sort of wonder in his old eyes. As Sho's teenage mind goes on an “Oh my God, indirect kiss!” rampage, Kei shakes his head and seems to come to some sort of conclusion. There is sadness in his eyes, but that is nothing new. “You should go out more often...” he murmurs, as though he wants a horny Sho to run around and screw half the city. Maybe he does. How dare he. Sho ponders doing it just to prove that he isn't desperately lusting after Kei. Damn.
Kei ruffles his hair as though he's still a little boy, a gesture so incredibly awkward between them that the vampire himself seems uncomfortable with it and pulls back almost at once. He grasps his towel instead, twisting the material a bit with his pale fingers. “I'll just... you know.” A vague gesture later he turns around and walks towards his room.
Sho can't help but hope the towel will fall. It never does, not now and not over the following years.
~*~
Sometimes love is unnoticeable until it's too late.
~*~
For years, Kei has watched Sho growing up with something akin to masochistic pleasure. It hurts to see the child he knew become... Well, not a man - not yet - but a boy pretending to be a man for sure. At eighteen he's barely more than a fawn, not yet able to really walk without flailing. Sure, he thinks he adapts cool poses and believes himself to be a tough gangster. But while it's true that Sho is hardened beyond his years, Kei can still see the clueless kid shining through, stumbling through the motions of adult life. It amuses and relieves him to no end.
Over the last few years, ever since Sho has started to become sexually active - and oh how Kei lay awake for days on end in terror of a random girl showing up carrying Sho's spawn - he has observed a change in their relationship that still puzzles him. Things have changed. Not in a bad way, but just noticeable enough for him to ponder the matter. Sometimes he wonders if his suspicion is true and Sho is still smitten with him. He has been for some time, maybe a year or two ago. Has it been a phase already passed, forgotten and meaningless, or do the feelings still linger within his boy?
Even now that the boy runs around brandishing flowers and stumbling over his own feet in trying to impress Yi-Che, Kei sometimes finds himself thinking back to a time when he smelled arousal rising in his human whenever they were physically close. He has tried to be certain in this sneaking suspicion that Sho has been lusting after him, but he believes that all he accomplished was to add to both their confusion.
Kei has felt flattered, in a way, and sad because he has always known that a relationship between them would be all but impossible. Still the thought has always been a rather nice one. He has never hoped for Sho to crush on him or fall in love with him. But to be desired... It honestly isn't the worst of feelings. He has certainly tried not to encourage Sho without actively discouraging him. The boy can fantasize about whomever he wants, there is no harm in that. And Kei takes a certain, perverse pride in the fact that his name has been the only male one to be moaned in Sho's bedroom in the dead of the night.
The infatuation - whatever it really was - seems to have worn off though. Kei is not exactly sure how he feels about this. He should probably be relieved. Yet the matter doesn't seem to let him go. It's as though part of him loathes having been nothing but a sexual stimulation along with so many nameless girls. Part of him thinks he should have called Sho out on it so as to talk it through, get to the bottom of things. It feels like an unresolved issue, at least for him. He doesn't like feeling as though Sho moved on from the whole awkward business while he hasn't.
These conflicting emotions confuse Kei a great deal. How is he supposed to handle them? What do they mean? For years he has puzzled over this, and he has yet to come to a conclusion. He has allowed Sho to grow up and away from him, encouraged his interest in activities that have made it impossible for Kei to tag along. He figures that they both need some time on their own to come to terms with their feelings. Sho, it seems, has accomplished this, while he himself continues to fail miserably.
There are times when he simply catches himself watching Sho. There are times when he catches Sho watching him. Between both observations, Kei doesn't really know what to make of either. He has always considered Sho his charge, his child, his brother and his friend. His soulmate, some might say, though at the same time he isn't sure he even wants to put a label on their relationship at all. Sho is all these things to him, and yet none of them, as though there is need for a new word to take all these and put them together into one big way of regarding this boy, this soon-to-be-man.
Is it wrong to sometimes think that Sho has grown up to be beautiful? He isn't lusting after him for reasons he hopes he'll never have to share with the human. Kei does not want Sho to see him for the animal he really is, the animal that strongly connects sex to feeding and feeding to sex. Attributing that to Sho that would simply be wrong, and Kei doesn't want that. It's not lust.
But there is something else. He is drawn to Sho no matter what; has always been and will always be. Kei knows he is helpless to fight this pull, even though he has yet to put the right name to the feeling. Sho is his light and he is the moth. In the end, he knows he will burn if he moves too close.
And yet...
“Are you trying to kill the food?”
Kei snaps out of his thoughts as the voice reaches him from the kitchen doorway. Softly cursing under his breath he tears the frying pan away from the heat. It's too late, though. Dinner is burnt beyond recognition. He hasn't even noticed. This is what Sho does to him. He thinks about the boy far too often. It can't be healthy and he knows he should stop. Yet Kei finds himself unable to; maybe even unwilling.
“I was trying to cook,” he points out and feels very foolish for it afterwards. Why is he explaining this to Sho? It's as obvious as his failure at the task, after all. At least the human has the decency to swallow his laughter a whole of thirty seconds before he can't hold it in any longer.
Sho has to lean against the doorway as he chuckles. Seeing Kei attempt to cook is always priceless. While he feels great affection for what the vampire tries to do for him, he can't help but indulge in the tiny pleasure of seeing him fail so hard at something. “Come here,” he says, grinning.
Before Kei can voice his protest, Sho pulls him in for a hug. A big, manly hug, because he's totally over his lusting and his crushing and those deep, tender feelings that arise every time he looks at Kei. It's been two years since he's noticed the first change in the way he regards the vampire, but he's over it by now. Completely. Honestly. Swear to god. Only Sho never does that.
Sho would like to tell Kei that he loves the cooking attempts. Loves the cooking failures. Loves how Kei knows exactly what kind of take-out to order for him. Loves the way Kei will always refuse a bite of pizza but sniff it like a dangerous poison anyway. Loves to watch him. Loves to... Loves...
It is at this point that Sho realizes Kei has not pulled away from their hug yet.
~*~
Sometimes love is unable to live up to our own expectations of it.
~*~
Later they won't remember who initiated it, nor what has prompted them to give in respectively. Kei just knows that he feels a sudden surge of emotion. It's a moment in which everything clicks and becomes painfully obvious and clear and wonderful; an epiphany of sorts that makes him realize his feelings for what they truly are and what they might have been all along. Sho on the other hand decides to throw years of trying to deceive Kei and himself out of the window and just go for it. It is one of these rare moments in which minds shut down and hearts are allowed to guide actions, no matter the consequences. Right or wrong, it doesn't matter. For a single moment, they give in and have to live with whatever comes of it, for better or worse.
They meet in the middle somehow. There is an awkward moment as they fumble with their hands. The frying pan clatters to the floor, but they have more to worry about than who will clean up the mess later. There is the angle, for example. Kei is on tiptoes and Sho is bending down and still they end up getting in each other's way. Their lips meet and it's disappointing.
Without realizing it, Kei has been wanting this for years. He has fallen for Sho as completely as he possibly could, and it doesn't matter if the fall will break him in the end. Right now he just needs this connection, needs Sho to see that he reciprocates the desire that was once there as much as he is capable of. He needs to see if that desire has died out completely or if it might be revived.
Sho wants much the same and maybe more. He doesn't just want to show how he feels, he wants to grab this chance and run with it. This is the kiss he has needed for the past few years. This is holding the person he has desired above all others; the one he has desired even when the wet dreams lessened and the raging hormones calmed somewhat. This is the one person he wants body, heart and soul.
And then they kiss and it feels wrong.
It is a dry meeting of lips, uncomfortable due to their angle and lacking the sparks both of them have been expecting. They stay locked like this for a moment as they both desperately search for the spark that surely should be there for their first kiss. But there is nothing. Warm lips and cold; dry, chaste, unremarkable. They don't feel anything as they part hastily.
Two pairs of wide eyes stare at each other, not comprehending what has happened. Disappointment crashes over them like a wave, threatening to swallow them whole. Is this it? Has this been their one shot to move towards each other, to grab this chance and hold on or be shattered by it? This unspectacular, soulless meeting of lips...
Sho can't believe it, and he sees in Kei's eyes that the vampire feels the same. This is not how it's supposed to feel like when you kiss someone you love for the first time. Maybe it's not love then. Maybe he's been wrong about his own feelings, and maybe Kei has been wrong to respond in pity and compassion. Clearly he should have pushed Sho away. But he hasn't. It confuses Sho and makes him ache for a chance that now seems lost as the moment slowly slips from his fingertips. A falling glass, and he just waits to hear it shatter on the floor. But while he knows he can't escape the mental sound that will jar him back to reality, he doesn't want to see. The one thing he has always dreaded has been seeing a look of friendly pity in Kei's eyes when the vampire ultimately rejects him and tells him to go find a nice girl instead.
So before that can happen Sho is quick to mumble a breathless apology and flee the scene. He doesn't get too far. Something in him just shudders and stops, tears gathering in his eyes as he looks for a way out or a way back. There is neither. He can't take the kiss back and he can't run from it. Of course, he can leave the apartment and not return before sunrise. Part of him wants to avoid the situation by doing just that. Another part of him is coiling in on itself in panic and need for the one person who is always there to make things better - Kei. The fact that Kei is part of the problem this time tears him apart.
Where to go? Sho's own instinct to run or turn to Kei is driving him up the wall. In a way he is glad that there is no hasty, dramatic scene in which Kei runs after him to stop him from doing something stupid. At the same time Sho wonders if the lack of reaction speaks the truth about the vampire's feelings. Maybe the sounds of Kei cleaning up in the kitchen really just indicate that the blonde waits for the sound of the door.
However, that's not what Kei is waiting for. In his head, he is counting the seconds while gears are moving and shifting inside of him; an engine coming together piece by piece to function as it has never done before. Kei knows exactly how much space he needs to give Sho. It's a tender balance - follow him too soon, and Sho will feel cornered, follow him too late and Sho will feel let down. However, Kei knows his human and knows the time span he's dealing with.
Just a few precious seconds to make the decision of a lifetime. More than a lifetime in his case. If he continues on the path he has peeked at just know, it will change everything for the both of them. If he turns away from that path, there will be consequences, too. There is no turning back; it's too late for that. They have kissed, though it hasn't been the kiss they wanted.
But why?
When Kei leaves the kitchen and wanders into the living room, he has not decided what to do. Doubts cloud his mind. He is insecure about his own feelings, and for the first time in their years together completely clueless as to what Sho might be thinking.
Sho is sitting on the couch, head in hands. Kei catches the crystal clear scent of tears threatening to spill. It's unfair that he has to be the strong one here, because no matter what they do now it will break him in the long run. Someone has to make a move now, and that someone needs to be him. Sho is still relying on him so very much. That is why Kei awkwardly sits down. He tries to find the words he needs, but hasn't figured out what to say with them. Heartbreak can't be avoided in this situation. That tiny, disappointing kiss has changed everything already and will continue changing their life no matter what they do.
There is a soft nudge against Sho's leg. From in between his long fingers and through the veil of tears, he can just make out Kei's knee. The first tear escapes, and soon they are falling freely. This is the moment where everything they have ever had and every maybe he has once dreamed of for their future come tumbling down. Kei is going to reject him. Gently of course, but firmly. Sho can't blame him. What kind of a romance is this, where Kei has to watch his lover age and die? Their lives are not made for the big kind of love that you see in the old movies. It doesn't matter if Sho can't imagine not being with Kei at this point. Reality is not the same as his foolish, young dreams. He will grow out of it, and he will mend his broken heart, and Kei will not have to go through the pain of having only bitter-sweet moments of love, knowing all the while that he will be left alone in the end.
Kei is thinking along the same lines as he reaches out and cups Sho's cheek to force the human to look at him. Wet skin. Warm. Soft. Sho...
Just... Sho.
~*~
Sometimes love is better than anything we could have imagined.
~*~
And then Kei thinks this: Maybe this could be worth it. Maybe loving and losing is better then not having loved at all. Even when heartbreak is inevitable, is that a reason not to reach out and take what happiness you can?
If a human is worth going through this pain for it's Sho.
Something inside of himself stirs. A bud opening, blooming; a flower coming back to life. He's tingling all over as he gazes into tear filled blue eyes. It's like soft petals brushing against his cold skin. As though he can see right into Sho's soul, Kei perceives the same blooming there. With something so tender and pure, how could he end it before it has even started? Kei has no life of his own anymore, and right now he feels like he could give life to something else instead..
It's worth the pain of the future. It has to be.
Sho places his hand above Kei's and waits for rejection. The vampire wipes away the tears and realizes that the decision has been made long ago. With Sho he can never do the right thing and always ends up doing what feels good instead. It will have to be enough for them. It has been enough in the past. The doubt in his eyes is bleeding away as he embraces the tender warmth inside of himself, that feeling of nothing less than love.
Sho expects to hear that Kei loves him, just not like that. He really doesn't want to. Not when everything inside of him has opened itself to the truth of his own feelings, not when this is the only love that he will ever long for. What does a crush on somebody else matter when right here is where is heart rests? There will never be someone as close to him as Kei. Sho wants to plead with him, wants to barter, wants to scream, run, hide, be held and hold back. He hates feeling like this, as though he's standing above a cliff, waiting to fall.
Falling will hurt both of them in the end. But before they hit the ground, there will be the fall itself. Long and scary and exhilarating. You don't jump for the landing. You take the leap for the time between leaving the ground and returning to it again.
Kei scoots closer and brushes his lips against Sho's. It's not a kiss. Nowhere near it. But it's electrifying, a whisper, a shadow, a promise.
“I'll call Toshi and tell him you won't be barhopping tonight”, Kei announces, his voice leaving no room for argument. “Let's just stay home and...” And do what exactly? There will not be any dramatic declarations of love, no steamy sex for various reasons, no mushy talk. It's not time for any of these yet, and for some it might never be. “We have time, you know. Let's use it to find our kiss, for starters.”
The vampire rises from the couch and wanders over to the telephone. As he dials, Sho can only stare. This was not what he has been expecting at all. While Kei talks with all the calm in the world, Sho starts to smile and becomes aware of what just happened and what it means.
There are butterflies in his stomach as Kei looks over his shoulder at him. The vampire doesn't smile, doesn't frown, simply looks at him for a moment with eyes that hold something Sho has never seen in them before. A spark of excitement. Hope. Love. The human doesn't need to ponder this, doesn't need to hear the words and most certainly doesn't doubt it. He can see it there, bright as the sun and more beautiful. Calm and serene and simple. Like the moon, maybe.
It is then that Sho realizes where his own expectations went wrong. Sometimes the heat of the moment is too rushed and clumsy for sparks. Especially with Kei. He should have known that, but sometimes he is still so hot-blooded that he forgets. It's good he has the love of his life to remind him. Sho's smile widens into a foolish grin and Kei rolls his eyes at him as he goes back to the conversation he's having. The younger man doesn't pay attention to the words, just to the effect the voice has on him. Things feel good right now, and isn't that all they could have asked for?
Kei returns to the couch after having put down the receiver.
“So...” he murmurs.
“So...” Sho echoes with a faint blush creeping onto his cheeks.
A tiny little smile flutters across Kei's face at this. He's flustered and touched and feels more alive than he has in a very long time. Because Sho is beautiful and they kissed and they will kiss more tonight. Because the future stretches ahead of him with a lot of interesting maybes and promises of feeling good. Kei believes that if he concentrates enough on that, maybe he can ignore the ground rushing up to greet him.
This is what he has chosen. Maybe there will be times when he regrets it. But right now he can't bring himself to linger on those thoughts. Thoughts about full, warm lips are pressing to the surface and he's loathe to fight them.
“So I would like to kiss you” Sho finally declares, and Kei answers that he sees absolutely no reason to object. Right now there really is no need to ask: Do you want this, does this feel good, are you alright with this? Right now they just try and see where it gets them. They both know about the other's blooming feelings, so they don't see any sense in wasting time with asking questions they already have the answer to. It's fascinating how things can just fall into place so easily after so much thinking and pondering.
Touching their lips against each other is as simple and strangely disappointing as it was in the kitchen, only this time they don't pull apart. Kei scoots a bit closer, Sho tangles one hand in the vampire's blonde hair and they both tilt their faces just so. Their mouths come together differently, and it makes all the difference in the world. Sho feels a little jolt inside of himself, and soon enough discovers that each careful change in pressure brings that feeling, each change of angle and each change of pace. They move along from there and soon it's more than just lips. It takes them the longest, most wonderful time to find out just how they like to kiss each other and how they like to touch and be touched during a kiss.
Touching Kei's neck is absolutely off limits. He's comfortable having hands everywhere else basically, and Sho wickedly puts that theory to the test. Kei has to remind him sometimes that he's not a pillow to be cuddled and squished, but overall he can't exactly claim to mind the way Sho eagerly searches for the best way to hold him during a kiss. It's very endearing. They are quick to establish that they equally hate keeping their eyes open during a kiss, but they enjoy the moment just before and just after a kiss, when they are so close and can just take a heartbeat or two to look at each other.
The next few hours are interesting. They don't spend them on the couch, of course. Not only there at any rate. That's just where everything starts. Kissing feels good just about anywhere in their apartment and there are a million reasons to give your other half a kiss. After sharing a cigarette for example. Or when Kei looks out of the window and seems a little saddened gazing at the moon. When Sho's stomach grumbles and then when Kei orders pizza. It's also interesting that a kiss to the neck is powerful enough to make Kei drop the carton of pizza, smack Sho and retreat with a cigarette meant to calm his flustered nerves. For half an hour after the pizza Kei refuses to kiss Sho because human food is nothing he can enjoy anymore, but a second soft kiss to the neck makes him willing to reconsider. Sho enjoys having found a weak spot.
At the break of dawn they spend what feels like an eternity standing in front of Kei's room, kissing and holding and trying to figure out how this can feel so ridiculously good. As Kei succumbs to sleep, Sho can't help but grin stupidly at the closed bedroom door for a few minutes, marvelling at what they've found and looking forward to his future with Kei.
~*~
Sometimes love is a first step.
~*~
tbc...
Part: 1 of 3
Author: inkcharm_666
Fandom: Moonchild
Characters: Kei, Sho
Warnings: fluff, sexual references
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own Moonchild, Kei, Sho or anything that awesome at all, really.
Notes: Dedicated to plain_ornament for too many reasons to name here, given to you all for Christmas. Ho ho ho~
What Is Love?
Prologue
~*~
What is love?
~*~
Have you ever found yourself pondering this question, but failed to come up with an answer? Let me help you out.
Love is an emotion - that much is clear - or rather a number of emotions related to a sense of strong affection and attachment. As an abstract concept love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person. My, aren’t we smart today?
Either that or we just opened Wikipedia in the hopes of someone giving us an easy answer. That’s not going to happen today, though. The truth is, defining love is like limiting the sky - entirely possible, but only something spoilsports would do.
The term nowadays is used very loosely. Love describes many things, from the relationship between you and your pet to the way you might regard a certain special dish.
Is love outdated? Has it been replaced by affections gained more easily? Is it too much trouble to search for your fairytale and gain your happily ever after? Why is the love we hear about always something so impossible, so far from our daily lives that we must wonder how to ever achieve it?
Let me get one thing straight: This is not a fairy tale. And we all know that the scenario of a romantic involvement between a vampire and human alone would promise a lot of heartbreak in the long run. Vampires are not exactly known for being perfect lovers, and let me tell you that “happy” is not how they felt upon their ending. But that is another story entirely, one we are not going to indulge in at this point.
Within this story, we shall attempt to discover the nature of love. Come dreamer, fly away into a tale spun by two souls ever drifting towards each other. Each story has its moment, and now it is time to tell this story and no other. Let yourself fall into a world of letters and images and feelings, close your eyes and give in… and now… answer a question.
~*~
What is love?
~*~
I. Love is a beginning
~*~
Sometimes love is born from desire.
~*~
Sho desires Kei. That much is clear. It shames him and it excites him and it leaves him utterly confused. He has known Kei for a long time now and in all that time the only changes he has ever perceived about the vampire were the length of his hair and canines respectively. Other than that, his guardian looks the same now as he did a year ago when Sho was fifteen.
Kei is still as small as he was then - only Sho is now taller. The paleness of his skin is the same as is the moss-green of his eyes, unusually wide and round for a man with Japanese heritage. Then again, with the colour of hair and eyes and Kei’s tendency to avoid speaking of himself, he might just as well hail from a mixed background. For some reason however, Sho finds himself doubting that. At any rate the point is that Sho has no idea what changed, why he feels pulled towards Kei like this now when he wasn't before, and his thoughts linger on this for a while before he flinches.
He has been thinking about Kei again, as he does far too often these days. Sometimes he feels like he needs to stop, lest the vampire catches onto him. That would not be a good thing at all. Kei has been like a parent to him, and is now something between a brother and a friend. It is not good to lust after such a person. The only thing that would accomplish are unnecessary complications down the road . And if there is anything they are certainly not in need of, it's exactly that. Things are rough enough as they are.
So he swears to keep his lust to himself. It's not like he is gay at any rate. He's been with girls, though there was never anything serious.
It is a pity that Sho at this stage in his life does not yet possess a very deep power of self-observation. Not that he ever will mind you, but had he spent more time watching himself than Kei he would have noticed something. Over the past year as he has started making himself more familiar with the female population of Mallepa there has always been a certain moment when he decides to dump the girl and enjoy being alone for a while.
The moments plays out something like this. Sho comes home some nights and Kei simply looks at him. As their eyes meet and they are both well aware that Sho has been intimate with some random girl, an irrational feeling of shame always wells up within the young human. It's almost as though he has betrayed his guardian, though he knows the notion is foolish and Kei's thoughts would never stray there. Still, he can't help it. So he ends up breaking things up at the same rate that his dreams change. The faceless and nameless girls plucking the strings of his body in the deep of the night change, but they don't become equally indistinguishable men. They become one man. One vampire, beautiful and deadly and mysterious and utterly gorgeous.
He dreams of Kei naked, pale on black sheets, arching with feline grace. He always wakes from these dreams painfully hard or with wetness staining his blankets. They make him feel ashamed, especially because he knows that Kei can smell his desire. His only hope to save him from utter embarrassment is that the vampire may not know whom Sho is lusting after.
They've had the talk a few years ago, of course, and it has left both of them pretty much scarred for life. But still Sho can't quite accept the fact that he apparently lusts after another man; this man in particular. And yet all he wants is to hold that small body close to him, feel the chilled skin warm under his touch and his alone. And in the dark of the night he is afraid to admit that his wet dreams might harbour a feeling that is more than lust and desire. As long as he doesn't acknowledge it, things will be fine. It's probably a phase, as so many things his age are supposed to be phases - it's what Kei has smugly declared upon seeing the rat tails, after all, though Sho is working hard on proving him wrong. At any rate, he knows this one is just a phase. It has to be.
As Kei walks out of the shower in nothing but a towel and damp skin, Sho clings to the armrests of his chair and grits his teeth. Damn the vampire for looking like a wet dream come true. Who can possibly blame his hormone driven mind for lusting after this?
It's when Kei wanders over towards him that things become decidedly awkward. The blonde man smells of cheap shower gel and hot water. He always showers so hot that his skin will be bright red at least for a moment or two when he is done, claiming it makes him feel more alive. Sho finds himself wondering how alive Kei would feel when being held. Or fucked. Both. Damn it!
His eyes must be bulging, for Kei pauses in leaning over.
“What?”
Sho has to swallow several times before his throat loosens enough to give an answer. “Uhn...” Well. It's a try. Maybe with some patience and less dusky nipples at eye level, he'll be able to string several syllables together. Right.
“Poor Sho.” The cigarette is pulled from his lips. He has to sit very still and wonders why he doesn't believe in any deities. Now would be a good time to pray for not getting a hard on. But the vampire just takes a drag or two and places the stick right back between his human's lips, watching him with a strange sort of wonder in his old eyes. As Sho's teenage mind goes on an “Oh my God, indirect kiss!” rampage, Kei shakes his head and seems to come to some sort of conclusion. There is sadness in his eyes, but that is nothing new. “You should go out more often...” he murmurs, as though he wants a horny Sho to run around and screw half the city. Maybe he does. How dare he. Sho ponders doing it just to prove that he isn't desperately lusting after Kei. Damn.
Kei ruffles his hair as though he's still a little boy, a gesture so incredibly awkward between them that the vampire himself seems uncomfortable with it and pulls back almost at once. He grasps his towel instead, twisting the material a bit with his pale fingers. “I'll just... you know.” A vague gesture later he turns around and walks towards his room.
Sho can't help but hope the towel will fall. It never does, not now and not over the following years.
~*~
Sometimes love is unnoticeable until it's too late.
~*~
For years, Kei has watched Sho growing up with something akin to masochistic pleasure. It hurts to see the child he knew become... Well, not a man - not yet - but a boy pretending to be a man for sure. At eighteen he's barely more than a fawn, not yet able to really walk without flailing. Sure, he thinks he adapts cool poses and believes himself to be a tough gangster. But while it's true that Sho is hardened beyond his years, Kei can still see the clueless kid shining through, stumbling through the motions of adult life. It amuses and relieves him to no end.
Over the last few years, ever since Sho has started to become sexually active - and oh how Kei lay awake for days on end in terror of a random girl showing up carrying Sho's spawn - he has observed a change in their relationship that still puzzles him. Things have changed. Not in a bad way, but just noticeable enough for him to ponder the matter. Sometimes he wonders if his suspicion is true and Sho is still smitten with him. He has been for some time, maybe a year or two ago. Has it been a phase already passed, forgotten and meaningless, or do the feelings still linger within his boy?
Even now that the boy runs around brandishing flowers and stumbling over his own feet in trying to impress Yi-Che, Kei sometimes finds himself thinking back to a time when he smelled arousal rising in his human whenever they were physically close. He has tried to be certain in this sneaking suspicion that Sho has been lusting after him, but he believes that all he accomplished was to add to both their confusion.
Kei has felt flattered, in a way, and sad because he has always known that a relationship between them would be all but impossible. Still the thought has always been a rather nice one. He has never hoped for Sho to crush on him or fall in love with him. But to be desired... It honestly isn't the worst of feelings. He has certainly tried not to encourage Sho without actively discouraging him. The boy can fantasize about whomever he wants, there is no harm in that. And Kei takes a certain, perverse pride in the fact that his name has been the only male one to be moaned in Sho's bedroom in the dead of the night.
The infatuation - whatever it really was - seems to have worn off though. Kei is not exactly sure how he feels about this. He should probably be relieved. Yet the matter doesn't seem to let him go. It's as though part of him loathes having been nothing but a sexual stimulation along with so many nameless girls. Part of him thinks he should have called Sho out on it so as to talk it through, get to the bottom of things. It feels like an unresolved issue, at least for him. He doesn't like feeling as though Sho moved on from the whole awkward business while he hasn't.
These conflicting emotions confuse Kei a great deal. How is he supposed to handle them? What do they mean? For years he has puzzled over this, and he has yet to come to a conclusion. He has allowed Sho to grow up and away from him, encouraged his interest in activities that have made it impossible for Kei to tag along. He figures that they both need some time on their own to come to terms with their feelings. Sho, it seems, has accomplished this, while he himself continues to fail miserably.
There are times when he simply catches himself watching Sho. There are times when he catches Sho watching him. Between both observations, Kei doesn't really know what to make of either. He has always considered Sho his charge, his child, his brother and his friend. His soulmate, some might say, though at the same time he isn't sure he even wants to put a label on their relationship at all. Sho is all these things to him, and yet none of them, as though there is need for a new word to take all these and put them together into one big way of regarding this boy, this soon-to-be-man.
Is it wrong to sometimes think that Sho has grown up to be beautiful? He isn't lusting after him for reasons he hopes he'll never have to share with the human. Kei does not want Sho to see him for the animal he really is, the animal that strongly connects sex to feeding and feeding to sex. Attributing that to Sho that would simply be wrong, and Kei doesn't want that. It's not lust.
But there is something else. He is drawn to Sho no matter what; has always been and will always be. Kei knows he is helpless to fight this pull, even though he has yet to put the right name to the feeling. Sho is his light and he is the moth. In the end, he knows he will burn if he moves too close.
And yet...
“Are you trying to kill the food?”
Kei snaps out of his thoughts as the voice reaches him from the kitchen doorway. Softly cursing under his breath he tears the frying pan away from the heat. It's too late, though. Dinner is burnt beyond recognition. He hasn't even noticed. This is what Sho does to him. He thinks about the boy far too often. It can't be healthy and he knows he should stop. Yet Kei finds himself unable to; maybe even unwilling.
“I was trying to cook,” he points out and feels very foolish for it afterwards. Why is he explaining this to Sho? It's as obvious as his failure at the task, after all. At least the human has the decency to swallow his laughter a whole of thirty seconds before he can't hold it in any longer.
Sho has to lean against the doorway as he chuckles. Seeing Kei attempt to cook is always priceless. While he feels great affection for what the vampire tries to do for him, he can't help but indulge in the tiny pleasure of seeing him fail so hard at something. “Come here,” he says, grinning.
Before Kei can voice his protest, Sho pulls him in for a hug. A big, manly hug, because he's totally over his lusting and his crushing and those deep, tender feelings that arise every time he looks at Kei. It's been two years since he's noticed the first change in the way he regards the vampire, but he's over it by now. Completely. Honestly. Swear to god. Only Sho never does that.
Sho would like to tell Kei that he loves the cooking attempts. Loves the cooking failures. Loves how Kei knows exactly what kind of take-out to order for him. Loves the way Kei will always refuse a bite of pizza but sniff it like a dangerous poison anyway. Loves to watch him. Loves to... Loves...
It is at this point that Sho realizes Kei has not pulled away from their hug yet.
~*~
Sometimes love is unable to live up to our own expectations of it.
~*~
Later they won't remember who initiated it, nor what has prompted them to give in respectively. Kei just knows that he feels a sudden surge of emotion. It's a moment in which everything clicks and becomes painfully obvious and clear and wonderful; an epiphany of sorts that makes him realize his feelings for what they truly are and what they might have been all along. Sho on the other hand decides to throw years of trying to deceive Kei and himself out of the window and just go for it. It is one of these rare moments in which minds shut down and hearts are allowed to guide actions, no matter the consequences. Right or wrong, it doesn't matter. For a single moment, they give in and have to live with whatever comes of it, for better or worse.
They meet in the middle somehow. There is an awkward moment as they fumble with their hands. The frying pan clatters to the floor, but they have more to worry about than who will clean up the mess later. There is the angle, for example. Kei is on tiptoes and Sho is bending down and still they end up getting in each other's way. Their lips meet and it's disappointing.
Without realizing it, Kei has been wanting this for years. He has fallen for Sho as completely as he possibly could, and it doesn't matter if the fall will break him in the end. Right now he just needs this connection, needs Sho to see that he reciprocates the desire that was once there as much as he is capable of. He needs to see if that desire has died out completely or if it might be revived.
Sho wants much the same and maybe more. He doesn't just want to show how he feels, he wants to grab this chance and run with it. This is the kiss he has needed for the past few years. This is holding the person he has desired above all others; the one he has desired even when the wet dreams lessened and the raging hormones calmed somewhat. This is the one person he wants body, heart and soul.
And then they kiss and it feels wrong.
It is a dry meeting of lips, uncomfortable due to their angle and lacking the sparks both of them have been expecting. They stay locked like this for a moment as they both desperately search for the spark that surely should be there for their first kiss. But there is nothing. Warm lips and cold; dry, chaste, unremarkable. They don't feel anything as they part hastily.
Two pairs of wide eyes stare at each other, not comprehending what has happened. Disappointment crashes over them like a wave, threatening to swallow them whole. Is this it? Has this been their one shot to move towards each other, to grab this chance and hold on or be shattered by it? This unspectacular, soulless meeting of lips...
Sho can't believe it, and he sees in Kei's eyes that the vampire feels the same. This is not how it's supposed to feel like when you kiss someone you love for the first time. Maybe it's not love then. Maybe he's been wrong about his own feelings, and maybe Kei has been wrong to respond in pity and compassion. Clearly he should have pushed Sho away. But he hasn't. It confuses Sho and makes him ache for a chance that now seems lost as the moment slowly slips from his fingertips. A falling glass, and he just waits to hear it shatter on the floor. But while he knows he can't escape the mental sound that will jar him back to reality, he doesn't want to see. The one thing he has always dreaded has been seeing a look of friendly pity in Kei's eyes when the vampire ultimately rejects him and tells him to go find a nice girl instead.
So before that can happen Sho is quick to mumble a breathless apology and flee the scene. He doesn't get too far. Something in him just shudders and stops, tears gathering in his eyes as he looks for a way out or a way back. There is neither. He can't take the kiss back and he can't run from it. Of course, he can leave the apartment and not return before sunrise. Part of him wants to avoid the situation by doing just that. Another part of him is coiling in on itself in panic and need for the one person who is always there to make things better - Kei. The fact that Kei is part of the problem this time tears him apart.
Where to go? Sho's own instinct to run or turn to Kei is driving him up the wall. In a way he is glad that there is no hasty, dramatic scene in which Kei runs after him to stop him from doing something stupid. At the same time Sho wonders if the lack of reaction speaks the truth about the vampire's feelings. Maybe the sounds of Kei cleaning up in the kitchen really just indicate that the blonde waits for the sound of the door.
However, that's not what Kei is waiting for. In his head, he is counting the seconds while gears are moving and shifting inside of him; an engine coming together piece by piece to function as it has never done before. Kei knows exactly how much space he needs to give Sho. It's a tender balance - follow him too soon, and Sho will feel cornered, follow him too late and Sho will feel let down. However, Kei knows his human and knows the time span he's dealing with.
Just a few precious seconds to make the decision of a lifetime. More than a lifetime in his case. If he continues on the path he has peeked at just know, it will change everything for the both of them. If he turns away from that path, there will be consequences, too. There is no turning back; it's too late for that. They have kissed, though it hasn't been the kiss they wanted.
But why?
When Kei leaves the kitchen and wanders into the living room, he has not decided what to do. Doubts cloud his mind. He is insecure about his own feelings, and for the first time in their years together completely clueless as to what Sho might be thinking.
Sho is sitting on the couch, head in hands. Kei catches the crystal clear scent of tears threatening to spill. It's unfair that he has to be the strong one here, because no matter what they do now it will break him in the long run. Someone has to make a move now, and that someone needs to be him. Sho is still relying on him so very much. That is why Kei awkwardly sits down. He tries to find the words he needs, but hasn't figured out what to say with them. Heartbreak can't be avoided in this situation. That tiny, disappointing kiss has changed everything already and will continue changing their life no matter what they do.
There is a soft nudge against Sho's leg. From in between his long fingers and through the veil of tears, he can just make out Kei's knee. The first tear escapes, and soon they are falling freely. This is the moment where everything they have ever had and every maybe he has once dreamed of for their future come tumbling down. Kei is going to reject him. Gently of course, but firmly. Sho can't blame him. What kind of a romance is this, where Kei has to watch his lover age and die? Their lives are not made for the big kind of love that you see in the old movies. It doesn't matter if Sho can't imagine not being with Kei at this point. Reality is not the same as his foolish, young dreams. He will grow out of it, and he will mend his broken heart, and Kei will not have to go through the pain of having only bitter-sweet moments of love, knowing all the while that he will be left alone in the end.
Kei is thinking along the same lines as he reaches out and cups Sho's cheek to force the human to look at him. Wet skin. Warm. Soft. Sho...
Just... Sho.
~*~
Sometimes love is better than anything we could have imagined.
~*~
And then Kei thinks this: Maybe this could be worth it. Maybe loving and losing is better then not having loved at all. Even when heartbreak is inevitable, is that a reason not to reach out and take what happiness you can?
If a human is worth going through this pain for it's Sho.
Something inside of himself stirs. A bud opening, blooming; a flower coming back to life. He's tingling all over as he gazes into tear filled blue eyes. It's like soft petals brushing against his cold skin. As though he can see right into Sho's soul, Kei perceives the same blooming there. With something so tender and pure, how could he end it before it has even started? Kei has no life of his own anymore, and right now he feels like he could give life to something else instead..
It's worth the pain of the future. It has to be.
Sho places his hand above Kei's and waits for rejection. The vampire wipes away the tears and realizes that the decision has been made long ago. With Sho he can never do the right thing and always ends up doing what feels good instead. It will have to be enough for them. It has been enough in the past. The doubt in his eyes is bleeding away as he embraces the tender warmth inside of himself, that feeling of nothing less than love.
Sho expects to hear that Kei loves him, just not like that. He really doesn't want to. Not when everything inside of him has opened itself to the truth of his own feelings, not when this is the only love that he will ever long for. What does a crush on somebody else matter when right here is where is heart rests? There will never be someone as close to him as Kei. Sho wants to plead with him, wants to barter, wants to scream, run, hide, be held and hold back. He hates feeling like this, as though he's standing above a cliff, waiting to fall.
Falling will hurt both of them in the end. But before they hit the ground, there will be the fall itself. Long and scary and exhilarating. You don't jump for the landing. You take the leap for the time between leaving the ground and returning to it again.
Kei scoots closer and brushes his lips against Sho's. It's not a kiss. Nowhere near it. But it's electrifying, a whisper, a shadow, a promise.
“I'll call Toshi and tell him you won't be barhopping tonight”, Kei announces, his voice leaving no room for argument. “Let's just stay home and...” And do what exactly? There will not be any dramatic declarations of love, no steamy sex for various reasons, no mushy talk. It's not time for any of these yet, and for some it might never be. “We have time, you know. Let's use it to find our kiss, for starters.”
The vampire rises from the couch and wanders over to the telephone. As he dials, Sho can only stare. This was not what he has been expecting at all. While Kei talks with all the calm in the world, Sho starts to smile and becomes aware of what just happened and what it means.
There are butterflies in his stomach as Kei looks over his shoulder at him. The vampire doesn't smile, doesn't frown, simply looks at him for a moment with eyes that hold something Sho has never seen in them before. A spark of excitement. Hope. Love. The human doesn't need to ponder this, doesn't need to hear the words and most certainly doesn't doubt it. He can see it there, bright as the sun and more beautiful. Calm and serene and simple. Like the moon, maybe.
It is then that Sho realizes where his own expectations went wrong. Sometimes the heat of the moment is too rushed and clumsy for sparks. Especially with Kei. He should have known that, but sometimes he is still so hot-blooded that he forgets. It's good he has the love of his life to remind him. Sho's smile widens into a foolish grin and Kei rolls his eyes at him as he goes back to the conversation he's having. The younger man doesn't pay attention to the words, just to the effect the voice has on him. Things feel good right now, and isn't that all they could have asked for?
Kei returns to the couch after having put down the receiver.
“So...” he murmurs.
“So...” Sho echoes with a faint blush creeping onto his cheeks.
A tiny little smile flutters across Kei's face at this. He's flustered and touched and feels more alive than he has in a very long time. Because Sho is beautiful and they kissed and they will kiss more tonight. Because the future stretches ahead of him with a lot of interesting maybes and promises of feeling good. Kei believes that if he concentrates enough on that, maybe he can ignore the ground rushing up to greet him.
This is what he has chosen. Maybe there will be times when he regrets it. But right now he can't bring himself to linger on those thoughts. Thoughts about full, warm lips are pressing to the surface and he's loathe to fight them.
“So I would like to kiss you” Sho finally declares, and Kei answers that he sees absolutely no reason to object. Right now there really is no need to ask: Do you want this, does this feel good, are you alright with this? Right now they just try and see where it gets them. They both know about the other's blooming feelings, so they don't see any sense in wasting time with asking questions they already have the answer to. It's fascinating how things can just fall into place so easily after so much thinking and pondering.
Touching their lips against each other is as simple and strangely disappointing as it was in the kitchen, only this time they don't pull apart. Kei scoots a bit closer, Sho tangles one hand in the vampire's blonde hair and they both tilt their faces just so. Their mouths come together differently, and it makes all the difference in the world. Sho feels a little jolt inside of himself, and soon enough discovers that each careful change in pressure brings that feeling, each change of angle and each change of pace. They move along from there and soon it's more than just lips. It takes them the longest, most wonderful time to find out just how they like to kiss each other and how they like to touch and be touched during a kiss.
Touching Kei's neck is absolutely off limits. He's comfortable having hands everywhere else basically, and Sho wickedly puts that theory to the test. Kei has to remind him sometimes that he's not a pillow to be cuddled and squished, but overall he can't exactly claim to mind the way Sho eagerly searches for the best way to hold him during a kiss. It's very endearing. They are quick to establish that they equally hate keeping their eyes open during a kiss, but they enjoy the moment just before and just after a kiss, when they are so close and can just take a heartbeat or two to look at each other.
The next few hours are interesting. They don't spend them on the couch, of course. Not only there at any rate. That's just where everything starts. Kissing feels good just about anywhere in their apartment and there are a million reasons to give your other half a kiss. After sharing a cigarette for example. Or when Kei looks out of the window and seems a little saddened gazing at the moon. When Sho's stomach grumbles and then when Kei orders pizza. It's also interesting that a kiss to the neck is powerful enough to make Kei drop the carton of pizza, smack Sho and retreat with a cigarette meant to calm his flustered nerves. For half an hour after the pizza Kei refuses to kiss Sho because human food is nothing he can enjoy anymore, but a second soft kiss to the neck makes him willing to reconsider. Sho enjoys having found a weak spot.
At the break of dawn they spend what feels like an eternity standing in front of Kei's room, kissing and holding and trying to figure out how this can feel so ridiculously good. As Kei succumbs to sleep, Sho can't help but grin stupidly at the closed bedroom door for a few minutes, marvelling at what they've found and looking forward to his future with Kei.
~*~
Sometimes love is a first step.
~*~
tbc...