[FIC] First of a Million Steps (SJ AU thing)
So this is me being random and doing random drablets of 32304792384234234798 AUs for Rou. I've been toying the idea of Rou in Strange Journey (even though I've barely played the game) but anywaaaaay yeah. Here you go.
Parts: [ø. Null] . [ I. Alpha] . [ II. Beta]
first of a million steps
ø. Null
He couldn’t bring himself to go to her funeral.
He didn’t know just why he couldn’t-all he knew was that somehow, the thought of showing his face at her funeral only did nothing but let the churning feeling in his stomach just twist into something that made him feel like retching his guts out. Guilt, he supposed that was what he should call it. It was the most fitting word he could find in his mind; as much as he hated to use the word that Sogou used just hours earlier when he had turned up at his doorstep and pretty much demanded for his presence at her funeral.
She would have wanted this, he had said-and Hijikata agreed, but he still couldn’t bring himself to step out of his apartment. In the end, Sogou left him with a bitter look of disgust on his face. Disgusting. Aneue would be disappointed that she had loved such a cowardly man.
I never said I was brave, Hijikata could only mutter back in return there and then, but even the words sounded weak and pathetic in his ears. Sogou did nothing else but scowl at him before he turned and left, and the elder man watched the other leave before he shut the door and shuffled back to his room to brood. The Ikebukuro terrorist bomb attack had been sudden and swift and wholly unexpected from almost everyone, with no room for all of them to mobilize in time to save everyone… Hijikata knew this well, of course, but still when he had to face that fact that Mitsuba-his fiancée-had died in the attack as one of the fifty-seven civilian casualties … nothing else seemed to matter anymore. She was gone, and his world along with it.
Never before had he been dealt a blow such as this, and it seemed like nothing in him could pull him out of his slump. Everything was useless, useless and worthless and gone now, and Hijikata could care less. He couldn’t even go to work and try to put this off his mind-Kondo had given him a whole two weeks off in lieu of what happened, something that the man was both grateful and irritated about. He had nothing else to do but stay at (their) home and (their) room, where every single bit and part of this place did nothing but remind him of her and only made him all the more depressed.
He lost track of the days that he kept himself inside-it was such a conundrum, really; he wanted to leave all of this behind so much, but yet he couldn’t even gather up the courage to step out. He was both willing and afraid to let go of what was already lost, even though he knew it would do nothing else but lead him to his eventual downfall. He knew better than this, but still he couldn’t help but cling onto what had been his greatest joy and happiness. Hijikata supposed that was how things always were… he knew that well enough from all those goddamned psychological textbooks he needed to read in his work as an interrogator. He was even one of the best, the elite. He knew perfectly well about everything that was going on in his mind now and why was he even in this state in the first place, but he still couldn’t help but fall into the trap that was called ‘emotions’.
It seemed like both an instant and an eternity when he heard the door being knocked on once more-the last visit had been back then when Sogou showed up, and when he opened the door Hijikata only found himself facing him yet again. Familiar yet foreign wine red eyes looked up at him as Sogou gave a small and disapproving frown at his elder. “You’re still sulking.”
“That’s none of your business,” Hijikata responded, and even to him now his voice sounds forced. Automatic. He’s living in a cycle now, not a life.
Sogou made no other comment, but raised the envelope Hijikata never noticed he was holding and shoved it onto him. “I’m only here because Kondo-san asked me to pass this to you.” There was a momentary pause after that, and then the youngster added in an afterthought. “I hope you’ll die when you’re out in the Arctic, Hijikata-san. It’d be for the good of everyone since you’re already useless anyway.”
“Die,” came the return rebuke, though again it was nothing but an automatic, emotionless reply.
The blond only noticed it all too easily, which was the reason why his usual reply wasn’t said. All he did was to shrug. “Not before you, Hijikata-san. Good day.” With that said, the youngster turned and left once more.
Hijikata looked to see the other vanishing before he closed the door and made his way to the second-hand couch Mitsuba had bought with her hard-earned money when they had moved into here. The man fell silent for a moment, looking at the envelope in his hands before he reached around to undo the cord and open the flap. A stack of official-looking documents were inside, and as the man pulled them out and set the now empty envelope onto the coffee table in front of him, Hijikata only felt his blood freezing like ice as his watery blue eyes fell onto the title that headed the front of the documents.
APPLICATION TO JOIN THE SCHWARZWELT JOINT PROJECT was what the words read in bold, italics and underline.
Parts: [ø. Null] . [ I. Alpha] . [ II. Beta]
first of a million steps
ø. Null
He couldn’t bring himself to go to her funeral.
He didn’t know just why he couldn’t-all he knew was that somehow, the thought of showing his face at her funeral only did nothing but let the churning feeling in his stomach just twist into something that made him feel like retching his guts out. Guilt, he supposed that was what he should call it. It was the most fitting word he could find in his mind; as much as he hated to use the word that Sogou used just hours earlier when he had turned up at his doorstep and pretty much demanded for his presence at her funeral.
She would have wanted this, he had said-and Hijikata agreed, but he still couldn’t bring himself to step out of his apartment. In the end, Sogou left him with a bitter look of disgust on his face. Disgusting. Aneue would be disappointed that she had loved such a cowardly man.
I never said I was brave, Hijikata could only mutter back in return there and then, but even the words sounded weak and pathetic in his ears. Sogou did nothing else but scowl at him before he turned and left, and the elder man watched the other leave before he shut the door and shuffled back to his room to brood. The Ikebukuro terrorist bomb attack had been sudden and swift and wholly unexpected from almost everyone, with no room for all of them to mobilize in time to save everyone… Hijikata knew this well, of course, but still when he had to face that fact that Mitsuba-his fiancée-had died in the attack as one of the fifty-seven civilian casualties … nothing else seemed to matter anymore. She was gone, and his world along with it.
Never before had he been dealt a blow such as this, and it seemed like nothing in him could pull him out of his slump. Everything was useless, useless and worthless and gone now, and Hijikata could care less. He couldn’t even go to work and try to put this off his mind-Kondo had given him a whole two weeks off in lieu of what happened, something that the man was both grateful and irritated about. He had nothing else to do but stay at (their) home and (their) room, where every single bit and part of this place did nothing but remind him of her and only made him all the more depressed.
He lost track of the days that he kept himself inside-it was such a conundrum, really; he wanted to leave all of this behind so much, but yet he couldn’t even gather up the courage to step out. He was both willing and afraid to let go of what was already lost, even though he knew it would do nothing else but lead him to his eventual downfall. He knew better than this, but still he couldn’t help but cling onto what had been his greatest joy and happiness. Hijikata supposed that was how things always were… he knew that well enough from all those goddamned psychological textbooks he needed to read in his work as an interrogator. He was even one of the best, the elite. He knew perfectly well about everything that was going on in his mind now and why was he even in this state in the first place, but he still couldn’t help but fall into the trap that was called ‘emotions’.
It seemed like both an instant and an eternity when he heard the door being knocked on once more-the last visit had been back then when Sogou showed up, and when he opened the door Hijikata only found himself facing him yet again. Familiar yet foreign wine red eyes looked up at him as Sogou gave a small and disapproving frown at his elder. “You’re still sulking.”
“That’s none of your business,” Hijikata responded, and even to him now his voice sounds forced. Automatic. He’s living in a cycle now, not a life.
Sogou made no other comment, but raised the envelope Hijikata never noticed he was holding and shoved it onto him. “I’m only here because Kondo-san asked me to pass this to you.” There was a momentary pause after that, and then the youngster added in an afterthought. “I hope you’ll die when you’re out in the Arctic, Hijikata-san. It’d be for the good of everyone since you’re already useless anyway.”
“Die,” came the return rebuke, though again it was nothing but an automatic, emotionless reply.
The blond only noticed it all too easily, which was the reason why his usual reply wasn’t said. All he did was to shrug. “Not before you, Hijikata-san. Good day.” With that said, the youngster turned and left once more.
Hijikata looked to see the other vanishing before he closed the door and made his way to the second-hand couch Mitsuba had bought with her hard-earned money when they had moved into here. The man fell silent for a moment, looking at the envelope in his hands before he reached around to undo the cord and open the flap. A stack of official-looking documents were inside, and as the man pulled them out and set the now empty envelope onto the coffee table in front of him, Hijikata only felt his blood freezing like ice as his watery blue eyes fell onto the title that headed the front of the documents.
APPLICATION TO JOIN THE SCHWARZWELT JOINT PROJECT was what the words read in bold, italics and underline.