Imaginary Orbits ; Yoochun/Changmin
This is me, indulging in my guilty pleasure of writing nothing but angst :\
Title: Imaginary Orbits
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Dong Bang Shin Ki
Pairing(s): (one-sided) Yoochun/Changmin, Yoochun/Junsu
Word count: 1003
Disclaimer: The boys do not belong to me. This is also nothing but pure fiction.
Summary: The truth is that you have ruined me for anyone else.
Imaginary Orbits
Your absence chases me everywhere. I try to throw it aside carelessly, but the fact that you are no longer here with me clings to me, cloying as perfume. I try to shut it out, but it crawls in through the crack between the door and the floor, and lies in bed with me like a restless child.
Now when we meet, even if it is just an arm's length between the two of us, it still feels like we are worlds apart.
And you are -
The man you left me for - every day, I wish him death. Sometimes I imagine pointing a gun to his head and pulling the trigger, sometimes I imagine thrusting a knife right through his heart and watching the blood blossom across his skin like sin, sometimes I imagine setting him on fire and burning him to death.
Once, I was driving, and out of the corner of my eye, I spotted him. He had earphones stuffed into his ears, his mouth forming shapes of the soundless lyrics he was singing.
I nearly ran him over. Without thinking, I instinctively stepped down on the accelerator, recklessly speeding in his direction. He must have heard the noise, or sensed the danger, because he looked up and straight through the windscreen at me.
I will never forget the look of fear and shock on his face.
I swerved, only avoiding him narrowly, and braked right in front of a lamp post. I leaned forward, rested my head on the steering wheel until my heart stopped hammering, until the thirst for murder ebbed away.
As if it is not enough for you to make me hate you, hate the man you left me for, you even make me hate myself.
"You lied to me," you accuse me, and you sound furious.
"I just wanted to see if you still cared," I say, and it's the truth. I know I was wrong to have lied, but I want this too much to care.
"I honestly thought you were dying," you spit the words out like they are filth.
"You still care," I say triumphantly. "You still care about me." Hope, any hope, even if it is just a tiny sliver of it, I will not let it go.
You stare at me with undisguised disgust, and I wonder how it is possible that just one month ago, you had been looking at me like I was the centre of your life, of the world. "I still care about you," you say coldly. "But it doesn't mean that I still love you."
It is a slap to the face, but still, still, I tell myself, you are here, and that must mean something. Anything. Anything at all.
"But I love you," I try, reaching out for your hand.
You cross your arms, and my hand balances awkwardly in mid-air, hanging in the space between us, reaching out for something that is no longer there. I snatch my hand back, stuffing it into my pocket.
"Yoochun," I whisper. "I still love you."
You shake your head. "I'm sorry," you say, but it is not what I want to hear.
"Is it because I didn't make you happy enough?" I ask, wondering where I have failed.
You don't answer.
"Does he make you happier?" I ask, and straight after, I regret the words. I don't want to hear your answer.
"Changmin," you say, and the way you say my name, even this has changed. "You have to let go." Let go. Let you go.
It stings. A foul mixture of disappointment and anger rises up my throat, bitter as bile, and before I can control myself, I strike you mercilessly across the face. "You say that as though it's so easy," I hiss.
You glare up at me with one hand cradling the side of your reddening face. You still look beautiful, even when you are staring at me with hatred in your eyes. I think the fact that I still think this just means I will never stop loving you.
The truth is that you have ruined me for anyone else.
I hate that I have to face the fact that I will never love anyone else the same way again.
I hate the fact that you walked out of this, perfectly unharmed, heart intact; while I am left behind, standing knee-deep in a misery that gradually drags me down.
I stand by the well - whether it is a wishing well, I don't know. I stare into its gaping dark mouth and carefully drop the memories I have of the two of us down.
I never hear them hit ground. I wonder if it is because the memories dispersed too quickly into the air, or they land too softly, or it is simply just because the well is too deep.
And then, I wonder if it is deep enough for me to fall in and die the moment I hit the bottom.
Now and then, I still see you.
Most of the time, you have him by your side - the man you left me for. Every time we meet, he always stares at me, and I can tell from the look in his eyes that he remembers me from that day I nearly killed him.
What hurts is that even so, he can still smile at me. What hurts the most is that I eventually come to understand why you love him. To see what you see in him, to watch you slip an arm around his waist, and not blame you for choosing him over me.
I tell myself that you are happy now, and I have to move on, but somehow, I am rooted to the ground like a tree that will never know another home. I can only stand where you left me, my eyes trained on you, your familiar figure walking into the distance, towards your happy ending.
- far away as a satellite.
Don't hate me ♥
MASTERLIST OF FICS HERE
Title: Imaginary Orbits
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Dong Bang Shin Ki
Pairing(s): (one-sided) Yoochun/Changmin, Yoochun/Junsu
Word count: 1003
Disclaimer: The boys do not belong to me. This is also nothing but pure fiction.
Summary: The truth is that you have ruined me for anyone else.
Imaginary Orbits
Your absence chases me everywhere. I try to throw it aside carelessly, but the fact that you are no longer here with me clings to me, cloying as perfume. I try to shut it out, but it crawls in through the crack between the door and the floor, and lies in bed with me like a restless child.
Now when we meet, even if it is just an arm's length between the two of us, it still feels like we are worlds apart.
And you are -
The man you left me for - every day, I wish him death. Sometimes I imagine pointing a gun to his head and pulling the trigger, sometimes I imagine thrusting a knife right through his heart and watching the blood blossom across his skin like sin, sometimes I imagine setting him on fire and burning him to death.
Once, I was driving, and out of the corner of my eye, I spotted him. He had earphones stuffed into his ears, his mouth forming shapes of the soundless lyrics he was singing.
I nearly ran him over. Without thinking, I instinctively stepped down on the accelerator, recklessly speeding in his direction. He must have heard the noise, or sensed the danger, because he looked up and straight through the windscreen at me.
I will never forget the look of fear and shock on his face.
I swerved, only avoiding him narrowly, and braked right in front of a lamp post. I leaned forward, rested my head on the steering wheel until my heart stopped hammering, until the thirst for murder ebbed away.
As if it is not enough for you to make me hate you, hate the man you left me for, you even make me hate myself.
"You lied to me," you accuse me, and you sound furious.
"I just wanted to see if you still cared," I say, and it's the truth. I know I was wrong to have lied, but I want this too much to care.
"I honestly thought you were dying," you spit the words out like they are filth.
"You still care," I say triumphantly. "You still care about me." Hope, any hope, even if it is just a tiny sliver of it, I will not let it go.
You stare at me with undisguised disgust, and I wonder how it is possible that just one month ago, you had been looking at me like I was the centre of your life, of the world. "I still care about you," you say coldly. "But it doesn't mean that I still love you."
It is a slap to the face, but still, still, I tell myself, you are here, and that must mean something. Anything. Anything at all.
"But I love you," I try, reaching out for your hand.
You cross your arms, and my hand balances awkwardly in mid-air, hanging in the space between us, reaching out for something that is no longer there. I snatch my hand back, stuffing it into my pocket.
"Yoochun," I whisper. "I still love you."
You shake your head. "I'm sorry," you say, but it is not what I want to hear.
"Is it because I didn't make you happy enough?" I ask, wondering where I have failed.
You don't answer.
"Does he make you happier?" I ask, and straight after, I regret the words. I don't want to hear your answer.
"Changmin," you say, and the way you say my name, even this has changed. "You have to let go." Let go. Let you go.
It stings. A foul mixture of disappointment and anger rises up my throat, bitter as bile, and before I can control myself, I strike you mercilessly across the face. "You say that as though it's so easy," I hiss.
You glare up at me with one hand cradling the side of your reddening face. You still look beautiful, even when you are staring at me with hatred in your eyes. I think the fact that I still think this just means I will never stop loving you.
The truth is that you have ruined me for anyone else.
I hate that I have to face the fact that I will never love anyone else the same way again.
I hate the fact that you walked out of this, perfectly unharmed, heart intact; while I am left behind, standing knee-deep in a misery that gradually drags me down.
I stand by the well - whether it is a wishing well, I don't know. I stare into its gaping dark mouth and carefully drop the memories I have of the two of us down.
I never hear them hit ground. I wonder if it is because the memories dispersed too quickly into the air, or they land too softly, or it is simply just because the well is too deep.
And then, I wonder if it is deep enough for me to fall in and die the moment I hit the bottom.
Now and then, I still see you.
Most of the time, you have him by your side - the man you left me for. Every time we meet, he always stares at me, and I can tell from the look in his eyes that he remembers me from that day I nearly killed him.
What hurts is that even so, he can still smile at me. What hurts the most is that I eventually come to understand why you love him. To see what you see in him, to watch you slip an arm around his waist, and not blame you for choosing him over me.
I tell myself that you are happy now, and I have to move on, but somehow, I am rooted to the ground like a tree that will never know another home. I can only stand where you left me, my eyes trained on you, your familiar figure walking into the distance, towards your happy ending.
- far away as a satellite.
Don't hate me ♥
MASTERLIST OF FICS HERE