Dividing the Heart ; Nichkhun/Wooyoung
I originally intended to experiment with a different pairing this time round, but the Nichkhun/Wooyoung just... wrote itself. What a lousy excuse, I know. I SWEAR I'LL TRY TO DIVERSIFY MORE. I'm currently working on a pretty long fic, and it's not Nichkhun/Wooyoung (fine, there's some of it) so that's a good thing. I wanted to wait until after the Chinese New Year break to post this, but then I'll just keep wanting to edit it over and over again, so I decided to just go ahead and do it now. Surprisingly, I didn't have any problems with this fic - it took a lot less time to write as compared with some of my other fics.
Also, note the three parts in italics are from The Powerbook, by Jeanette Winterson. I take credit for none of that genius.
Title: Dividing the Heart
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: 2PM
Pairing(s): (one-sided) Nichkhun/Wooyoung
Word count: ~930 words
Disclaimer: This is only fiction.
Summary: There are some things that Nichkhun regrets.
Dividing the Heart
Life is not a formula and love is not a recipe. The same ingredients cook up differently every time.
There are some things that Nichkhun regrets. Nichkhun isn’t the kind of person who lives in the past; compared to what has already been done, the present and the future are more important. What’s more important are the things that you can still change, not the ones that are already irrevocably and brutally set in the stone of history.
Still, even though he isn’t one to dwell in the past, there are some things that he regrets: memories that fade in and out of focus every now and then - like a shoal of sea creatures surfacing to draw a breath, to stay alive, to remind him of their existence.
Nichkhun is married. Who he is married to doesn’t matter. She doesn’t matter - she is not part of this story. But she exists. And somehow, that complicates things.
Nichkhun is also in love. The person he is in love with is not his wife. It’s most unfortunate, but there’s nothing he can do about it. The person he is in love with is someone he should not be in love with - that person is male, that person is a friend, that person has been his friend for years, that person is a fellow member, that person is in love with someone else. No matter how much Nichkhun wishes, all of this matters, and he can’t change any of it.
In a perfect world, none of this should matter. In a perfect world, we will be loved by the people we love. In a perfect world, everyone will be loved the way they want to be loved.
In a perfect world, love should be reason enough for everything. It should always be enough.
Take two people. Slice lengthways. Boil with the lid on. Add a marriage, a past, another woman. Sugar to taste. Pass through a chance meeting. Lubricate sparingly. Serve on a bed of - or is it in a bed of - ? Use fresh and top with raw emotion.
Really, they met by chance. There are so many things that could have happened that would have prevented them from meeting. One dance step done wrong, one different direction taken at a crossroad, a single appointment missed could have changed everything; the present that we live in is built on so many coincidences and chance meetings. Fragile yet solid, so easily twisted out of shape yet relentlessly unyielding.
As it is, Nichkhun was scouted and brought to Korea. Wooyoung passed his audition and joined the company. They became part of 2PM.
And then Nichkhun fell in love. After that, things snowballed out of control and the years rolled past, until Nichkhun is now left standing in a reality he never meant to venture into.
One night - all Nichkhun remembers is that it was a weekday, their promotion period had just ended, and it was raining heavily - because Nichkhun could not stamp out the flame of impulsive desire, because Wooyoung’s rationality was clouded by alcohol, because of the way one thing led to another, the two of them tumbled into bed at night, stripping away clothes and pretences and disguises and layers of lies, holding each other close as a secret.
It should not have happened, and this knowledge kept Nichkhun awake all night, terrified of so many things. Terrified of breathing too loudly and waking Wooyoung, terrified of making one wrong movement and shattering this moment, this moment that will never happened again. Terrified of consequences and of facing what he’s been trying so hard to run away from.
But thanks to small mercies, when Wooyoung woke up with a pounding headache and aching limbs, he remembered nothing and there was nothing left behind to prove that anything had happened. The scene of crime was as clean as a miracle. Nichkhun locked himself in the bathroom, the touch of Wooyoung’s fingers branded into his skin making him recall everything that Wooyoung could not.
Still, Nichkhun was thankful. After all, if you’re the only who remembers what happened, who is to say it ever happened at all?
The truth is that you can divide your heart in all sorts of interesting ways - a little here, a little there, most banked at home, some of it coined out for a flutter. But love cleaves through the mind’s mathematics. Love’s lengthways splits the heart in two - the heart where you are, the heart where you want to be. How will your heal your heart when love has split in two?
The heart where you are: Nichkhun is 28 years old. Nichkhun is married. Nichkhun goes home to his wife every night and tries his best to be the husband he promised to be when he proposed to her that picturesque winter morning. He’s never cheated on her and he treats her like a queen. They both adore children, but it’s been an entire year of trying and there’s still no news. Nichkhun wonders if it is his fault - maybe they’ve missed a vital step, maybe something is missing, lacking.
Maybe it’s love.
There are some things that Nichkhun regrets.
He regrets not working harder when he was younger. He regrets not spending more time to his family when he could. He regrets not being more honest with himself. He regrets the one time he shouted at his mother and made her cry. He regrets the lies he told his father. He regrets all the times he was not by his sisters’ sides when they needed him most. He regrets not being able to embrace his own imperfections. He regrets trying so hard to be someone he is not.
There are some things that Nichkhun regrets, but falling in love with the wrong person is not one of them. Besides, falling in love with the wrong person is not the right way to put it. Love is love, and love is never a mistake.
The heart where you want to be: Nichkhun is by Wooyoung’s side. He is in love with Wooyoung, and Wooyoung is in love with him.
Nichkhun is married, and it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Besides, Wooyoung is in love with someone else, and that’s enough to keep half of Nichkhun’s heart shut down and frozen in resignation.
And so, Nichkhun tries to love his wife as best as the other still-functioning half of his heart can.
Happy new year in advance to everyone who celebrates Chinese New Year! ♥
MASTERLIST OF FICS HERE
Also, note the three parts in italics are from The Powerbook, by Jeanette Winterson. I take credit for none of that genius.
Title: Dividing the Heart
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: 2PM
Pairing(s): (one-sided) Nichkhun/Wooyoung
Word count: ~930 words
Disclaimer: This is only fiction.
Summary: There are some things that Nichkhun regrets.
Dividing the Heart
Life is not a formula and love is not a recipe. The same ingredients cook up differently every time.
There are some things that Nichkhun regrets. Nichkhun isn’t the kind of person who lives in the past; compared to what has already been done, the present and the future are more important. What’s more important are the things that you can still change, not the ones that are already irrevocably and brutally set in the stone of history.
Still, even though he isn’t one to dwell in the past, there are some things that he regrets: memories that fade in and out of focus every now and then - like a shoal of sea creatures surfacing to draw a breath, to stay alive, to remind him of their existence.
Nichkhun is married. Who he is married to doesn’t matter. She doesn’t matter - she is not part of this story. But she exists. And somehow, that complicates things.
Nichkhun is also in love. The person he is in love with is not his wife. It’s most unfortunate, but there’s nothing he can do about it. The person he is in love with is someone he should not be in love with - that person is male, that person is a friend, that person has been his friend for years, that person is a fellow member, that person is in love with someone else. No matter how much Nichkhun wishes, all of this matters, and he can’t change any of it.
In a perfect world, none of this should matter. In a perfect world, we will be loved by the people we love. In a perfect world, everyone will be loved the way they want to be loved.
In a perfect world, love should be reason enough for everything. It should always be enough.
Take two people. Slice lengthways. Boil with the lid on. Add a marriage, a past, another woman. Sugar to taste. Pass through a chance meeting. Lubricate sparingly. Serve on a bed of - or is it in a bed of - ? Use fresh and top with raw emotion.
Really, they met by chance. There are so many things that could have happened that would have prevented them from meeting. One dance step done wrong, one different direction taken at a crossroad, a single appointment missed could have changed everything; the present that we live in is built on so many coincidences and chance meetings. Fragile yet solid, so easily twisted out of shape yet relentlessly unyielding.
As it is, Nichkhun was scouted and brought to Korea. Wooyoung passed his audition and joined the company. They became part of 2PM.
And then Nichkhun fell in love. After that, things snowballed out of control and the years rolled past, until Nichkhun is now left standing in a reality he never meant to venture into.
One night - all Nichkhun remembers is that it was a weekday, their promotion period had just ended, and it was raining heavily - because Nichkhun could not stamp out the flame of impulsive desire, because Wooyoung’s rationality was clouded by alcohol, because of the way one thing led to another, the two of them tumbled into bed at night, stripping away clothes and pretences and disguises and layers of lies, holding each other close as a secret.
It should not have happened, and this knowledge kept Nichkhun awake all night, terrified of so many things. Terrified of breathing too loudly and waking Wooyoung, terrified of making one wrong movement and shattering this moment, this moment that will never happened again. Terrified of consequences and of facing what he’s been trying so hard to run away from.
But thanks to small mercies, when Wooyoung woke up with a pounding headache and aching limbs, he remembered nothing and there was nothing left behind to prove that anything had happened. The scene of crime was as clean as a miracle. Nichkhun locked himself in the bathroom, the touch of Wooyoung’s fingers branded into his skin making him recall everything that Wooyoung could not.
Still, Nichkhun was thankful. After all, if you’re the only who remembers what happened, who is to say it ever happened at all?
The truth is that you can divide your heart in all sorts of interesting ways - a little here, a little there, most banked at home, some of it coined out for a flutter. But love cleaves through the mind’s mathematics. Love’s lengthways splits the heart in two - the heart where you are, the heart where you want to be. How will your heal your heart when love has split in two?
The heart where you are: Nichkhun is 28 years old. Nichkhun is married. Nichkhun goes home to his wife every night and tries his best to be the husband he promised to be when he proposed to her that picturesque winter morning. He’s never cheated on her and he treats her like a queen. They both adore children, but it’s been an entire year of trying and there’s still no news. Nichkhun wonders if it is his fault - maybe they’ve missed a vital step, maybe something is missing, lacking.
Maybe it’s love.
There are some things that Nichkhun regrets.
He regrets not working harder when he was younger. He regrets not spending more time to his family when he could. He regrets not being more honest with himself. He regrets the one time he shouted at his mother and made her cry. He regrets the lies he told his father. He regrets all the times he was not by his sisters’ sides when they needed him most. He regrets not being able to embrace his own imperfections. He regrets trying so hard to be someone he is not.
There are some things that Nichkhun regrets, but falling in love with the wrong person is not one of them. Besides, falling in love with the wrong person is not the right way to put it. Love is love, and love is never a mistake.
The heart where you want to be: Nichkhun is by Wooyoung’s side. He is in love with Wooyoung, and Wooyoung is in love with him.
Nichkhun is married, and it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Besides, Wooyoung is in love with someone else, and that’s enough to keep half of Nichkhun’s heart shut down and frozen in resignation.
And so, Nichkhun tries to love his wife as best as the other still-functioning half of his heart can.
Happy new year in advance to everyone who celebrates Chinese New Year! ♥
MASTERLIST OF FICS HERE