(no subject)
Ugh, I've been so lazy about posting here. Time to get better!
I've been feeling pretty down for the last few days, going through all my usual motions of comparing myself to everyone around me and feeling inferior and so on and so forth until I feel totally worthless. I'm thinking that part of this has to do with the stomach problems I've been having lately. The last time I had a real persistent stomach ache like this was back in high school when I developed a pre-ulcer condition because of my anxiety disorder. That was the worst period of my life. I was constantly depressed and had panic attacks almost daily. I couldn't even leave the house a lot of the time, and at the worst times I had passing suicidal thoughts (which I was able to get over, ironically, because I remembered how much Zac's suicide hurt everyone. I thought about suicide because I thought everyone would be better off without me, not because I wanted to hurt anyone. Strange that Zac's death, which triggered my mental breakdown in the first place, helped me get past feeling suicidal.)
Anyway, I think my mind is connecting this physical sensation with that period, and bringing back some of those old negative feelings. I've had other things trigger me like that. Music, smells, food, stuff that reminds me of those years tends to set me off or just make me feel weird and uncomfortable. So I suppose it's not such a stretch to imagine that a constant stomachache, similar to the one I had back then, would have a similar effect on me.
I feel better just analyzing it. Making my illogical feelings logical seems to be a good cure for me. :) Maybe part of the problem is I haven't been on LJ as much? Tumblr isn't so good for my soul searching, ha.
Speaking of which, I'm trying to schedule that test for my stomach, but the doctor's office sent me paperwork for a colonoscopy. -_- Wrong test, guys. Ha, can you imagine going in for a test and having them give you the wrong one? I'd be so pissed off.
In other news, I'm still reading K Blow Top. I've been trying to read it slowly so I can enjoy it as long as I can. Seriously guys, read this book. It's so good. SO GOOD. I've just gotten up to the part when Khrushchev goes to San Francisco (after a disastrous trip to L.A. which included his temper tantrum about Disneyland.) The San Francisco beatniks end up giving Khrushchev his best American nickname yet: Big Red.
I've been feeling pretty down for the last few days, going through all my usual motions of comparing myself to everyone around me and feeling inferior and so on and so forth until I feel totally worthless. I'm thinking that part of this has to do with the stomach problems I've been having lately. The last time I had a real persistent stomach ache like this was back in high school when I developed a pre-ulcer condition because of my anxiety disorder. That was the worst period of my life. I was constantly depressed and had panic attacks almost daily. I couldn't even leave the house a lot of the time, and at the worst times I had passing suicidal thoughts (which I was able to get over, ironically, because I remembered how much Zac's suicide hurt everyone. I thought about suicide because I thought everyone would be better off without me, not because I wanted to hurt anyone. Strange that Zac's death, which triggered my mental breakdown in the first place, helped me get past feeling suicidal.)
Anyway, I think my mind is connecting this physical sensation with that period, and bringing back some of those old negative feelings. I've had other things trigger me like that. Music, smells, food, stuff that reminds me of those years tends to set me off or just make me feel weird and uncomfortable. So I suppose it's not such a stretch to imagine that a constant stomachache, similar to the one I had back then, would have a similar effect on me.
I feel better just analyzing it. Making my illogical feelings logical seems to be a good cure for me. :) Maybe part of the problem is I haven't been on LJ as much? Tumblr isn't so good for my soul searching, ha.
Speaking of which, I'm trying to schedule that test for my stomach, but the doctor's office sent me paperwork for a colonoscopy. -_- Wrong test, guys. Ha, can you imagine going in for a test and having them give you the wrong one? I'd be so pissed off.
In other news, I'm still reading K Blow Top. I've been trying to read it slowly so I can enjoy it as long as I can. Seriously guys, read this book. It's so good. SO GOOD. I've just gotten up to the part when Khrushchev goes to San Francisco (after a disastrous trip to L.A. which included his temper tantrum about Disneyland.) The San Francisco beatniks end up giving Khrushchev his best American nickname yet: Big Red.