(no subject)
i couldn't fall asleep last night. to bad i can't suprise you and say i was thinking of somebody other than nick. so i got up and poured my heart out in a notebook beside my bed. you can read it .
it's really in no order, just blurbs of things that kept running through my mind. things that i want to say to him but hold myself back from saying.
Nick:
you shouldn't need time to think whether or not you want to be with me. and i shouldn't have to live everyday wondering if today will be the day you come back to me. if you really love me and believe you want to be with me, time isn't going to do anything but break us apart.
each night i run home to curl up in bed with a good book and the warmth of my sheets. since i no longer have you to look forward at the end of a long day. i start to see myself filling the memories of you with the books that i read. only because they give me an opportunity to live as a completely different person; to live in someone elses shoes. seven books i've read since you've walked out of my life and what do i have to show for it? nothing but the ability to keep myself from going completely insane. but as soon as i put that book down, all of your memories come flooding back to me. i've never had more fun or felt a stronger connection with anyone but you. and yet i find myself wondering why i love you so much when i've clearly been such a disappointment in your life. did you ever step back and really look at what we had, or were you always so caught up in the moment with each petty fight, that nothing else really mattered to you?
i've said it before and i'll say it again. i don't find it necessary to chase after you. if it's me you really want then you'll come back to me, if i'm still waiting, maybe we'll be happy again. but i can't go on each day hoping for something that will never return to me. you'll do wonderful things without me. because, honestly, i would rather spend the rest of my days with someone that couldn't live without me and someone that isn't happy unless i'm in their life. and you've already stated that you're happier without me.
for everything that i ever gave to you and everything i got in return, i don't know why we couldn't have just been happy with what we had. but, as i always say, follow your heart. even if you forget anything and everything about me, just remember that. it will take you the right places in life.
i'll never be able to replace you and i'm sure my heart will never completely stop yearning for your love. but i would rather you be happy without me than unhappy with me. i just hope someday you'll realize that i wasn't just another girl.
i haven't decided if i should read it to him or not. he may take it the wrong way. you may ask yourself what makes me hold on to him? ..when, clearly things don't seem they were meant to be. well, honestly, i can't answer you that. as much as i wish i could, i don't even know why. so, feel free to share any helpful hints or comments. please
besides that, the rest of my life seems to be slipping out of my hands. we're putting my kittie down tomorrow. (yes, her name is kittie)
k-i-t-t-i-e
she's old & her kidney's are failing terribly. so she's basicly living a slow painful death at the moment. 18 years old, i've had her since i was born. she found her way to our doorstep and hasn't left since then. always been an inside cat, which is why i'm guessing she's lived such a long life. i'm going to cry tomorrow as i'm holding her in my arms while they make her heart stop. god, what a depressing thing. i'm crying just thinking about how painful it's going to be to watch. at least i know she'll be in a better place, and i'm sure she'll feel much better. i'm just going to miss her, that's all.
why do i feel like everything in my life is falling apart?
it's really in no order, just blurbs of things that kept running through my mind. things that i want to say to him but hold myself back from saying.
Nick:
you shouldn't need time to think whether or not you want to be with me. and i shouldn't have to live everyday wondering if today will be the day you come back to me. if you really love me and believe you want to be with me, time isn't going to do anything but break us apart.
each night i run home to curl up in bed with a good book and the warmth of my sheets. since i no longer have you to look forward at the end of a long day. i start to see myself filling the memories of you with the books that i read. only because they give me an opportunity to live as a completely different person; to live in someone elses shoes. seven books i've read since you've walked out of my life and what do i have to show for it? nothing but the ability to keep myself from going completely insane. but as soon as i put that book down, all of your memories come flooding back to me. i've never had more fun or felt a stronger connection with anyone but you. and yet i find myself wondering why i love you so much when i've clearly been such a disappointment in your life. did you ever step back and really look at what we had, or were you always so caught up in the moment with each petty fight, that nothing else really mattered to you?
i've said it before and i'll say it again. i don't find it necessary to chase after you. if it's me you really want then you'll come back to me, if i'm still waiting, maybe we'll be happy again. but i can't go on each day hoping for something that will never return to me. you'll do wonderful things without me. because, honestly, i would rather spend the rest of my days with someone that couldn't live without me and someone that isn't happy unless i'm in their life. and you've already stated that you're happier without me.
for everything that i ever gave to you and everything i got in return, i don't know why we couldn't have just been happy with what we had. but, as i always say, follow your heart. even if you forget anything and everything about me, just remember that. it will take you the right places in life.
i'll never be able to replace you and i'm sure my heart will never completely stop yearning for your love. but i would rather you be happy without me than unhappy with me. i just hope someday you'll realize that i wasn't just another girl.
i haven't decided if i should read it to him or not. he may take it the wrong way. you may ask yourself what makes me hold on to him? ..when, clearly things don't seem they were meant to be. well, honestly, i can't answer you that. as much as i wish i could, i don't even know why. so, feel free to share any helpful hints or comments. please
besides that, the rest of my life seems to be slipping out of my hands. we're putting my kittie down tomorrow. (yes, her name is kittie)
k-i-t-t-i-e
she's old & her kidney's are failing terribly. so she's basicly living a slow painful death at the moment. 18 years old, i've had her since i was born. she found her way to our doorstep and hasn't left since then. always been an inside cat, which is why i'm guessing she's lived such a long life. i'm going to cry tomorrow as i'm holding her in my arms while they make her heart stop. god, what a depressing thing. i'm crying just thinking about how painful it's going to be to watch. at least i know she'll be in a better place, and i'm sure she'll feel much better. i'm just going to miss her, that's all.
why do i feel like everything in my life is falling apart?