home isn't pretty [ain't no home for me]
December 5, 1984
Dear Mary,
Things are never what they seem and today is no exception. It's your birthday and I swear everywhere I look there you are. I almost called out your name in the middle of the store, before I remembered.
I forgot, Mary, I forgot you were gone and if I can forget that, then I can forget you. And that would kill me. I'm barely holding it together for the boys and then something like this happens and sometimes I wonder if I should just leave them with Jim sometimes I wonder if I should just leave them with Jim. But 'boys need their fathers' and I know you would want me to keep this family together. I'm trying, I really am, Mary, but it's just so hard sometimes. Moving them around, never giving them a chance to settle, I know it isn't what you would have wanted for them, but they're all I've got left, all I've got left of you, I've got to keep them safe.
The boys, they miss you, Mary, and I can hear Dean telling Sammy stories about you when he thinks I can't hear him. It hurts, but I've got to let him have that. It just hurts.
I'm sorry and I love you, Mary, always.
Yours, John