Guilt 1/1 - Sin Verse
Guilt
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Words: 2,300
Warnings: dub-con, religious themes, priest!Jensen/KightTemplar!Jared, m/m sex, violence, self-castigation/whipping, blasphemy, elements of S&M and bondage, asphyxiation kink/strangulation
Disclaimer: Pure and utter fiction.
Summary: Sequel to Sin<< Jensen is still repenting for his and Jared's sins. But as he is prepared to pay with his own blood, Jared has different plans.
“Pater noster, qui es in caelis, sanctificetur nomen tuum.” Jensen recited the prayer with confidence. He had said it more times than he could count. It was a steady companion in his life in the clergy. One of the corner stones of his belief that he had learned so long ago that he couldn't remember a time he didn't know these words. “Adveniat regnum tuum. Fiat voluntas tua, sicut in caelo et in terra.”
He lit the candles one by one, watching the Lord's light illuminate the shadow-haunted church more and more with every flame taking hold. It was the way things were supposed to be: light defeating darkness. The next part of the Lord's Prayer had never struck Jensen deeply when he was a child, when the deepest guilt he felt was that of a child disobeying its mother's orders. But now it cut deep, his voice going hoarse as the words formed on his lips asking for the forgiveness of his God: “Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie, et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.” He took a deep breath, hardly daring to utter the last of the words, but forcing himself to complete the prayer: “Et ne nos inducas in tentationem,...” And lead us not into temptation... not again. Please, not again. “... sed libera nos a malo. Amen.”
He hissed, dropping the taper that had burned all the way down to his fingertips unnoticed, biting his lip to keep from cursing inappropriately. Stomping out the flame on the ground he blew on his burned finger before bending down to retrieve the offending tool. He couldn't help but wonder if this was God's way of telling him that reciting a prayer will not make good on the sins weighing on his soul, pulling him closer to the fire of damnation.
“Will you ever forgive me? Should you?”
The flames of the candles danced across the niches the saints were looming in, making the shadows ripple like snakes. Jensen could feel his heart racing as the creatures of temptation moved all around him.
His footsteps fell heavy as he hasted from the nave towards his cells and only stopped when he fell to his knees there, forehead bowed to the cold stone beneath him. “Mea culpa, mea culpa...” He muttered those words, the admission of guilt, over and over again as he pulled the black robes off his shoulders to let them bunch around his lap.
The swishing of the scourge as it cut through the air made his eyes drift closed for a second and the moment the pain cut through his back and shoulders bright and cleansing, he could feel the iron fist around his chest ease up, breaths rushing into him fast. He panted, eyes turned so far upwards that they hurt; the low stone ceiling blurring.
The hot burning of the new welt found the dull ache of the old ones that were not yet healed. It was a cruel reminder that what he did before would never leave him anymore... unless he repented with all of his heart, all of his soul.
The screech of the hinges made him jump as much as the sudden draft stirring the cool air of hIs cells when the door was pushed open. He stilled, eyes suddenly closing as he fought the urge to cover his bleeding back. Instead he sat completely still. Whoever it was could take a good look, should take a good look and see that he was paying the Lord with his own blood. They would leave again, certainly, so he could finish his penance.
Another screech and Jensen sighed out a breath as he swung the scourge once more. It didn't meet his flesh, instead stopping half way as it was caught unexpectedly. His eyes flew open and he looked up to find Jared's hand curled around the leather of his whip, a thin trail of blood running down his palm.
“You did this?” Bold fingers fluttered over the raw flesh of his back making him flinch and let go of the scourge. His breath stopped like he was suddenly doused in ice water and he could do nothing but nod to confirm the obvious.
The Knight Templar seemed fascinated with the bloody mess of Jensen's back, dropping to his knees behind the priest to get a better look.
“Why?” Jared's hands had stilled on his body, seeming almost hesitant for a moment before his fingertips started tracing a fresh welt on Jensen's body, the tender flesh making Jensen hiss under the caress.
He swallowed, looking up at his Lord where the small wooden cross hung on his otherwise empty wall. “As payment for my sins. To redeem myself in the eyes of God.”
“Our sins, you mean,” the knight whispered into his ear with a voice so low that nobody could hear it but them and the Almighty.
Jensen didn't answer. He had taken the burden of Jared's darkness upon himself and would pay the price for now and all eternity if he had to. He knew that Jared's guilt was eternal too. But the Lord forgave even if man could not. That's what Jensen had to believe for both their sakes.
“Why would God ask you to pay more for my sins than I do?” He proved his point when his fingertip prodded between the raw edges of an open whip cut. Jensen's back arched as the pain shot through him trying to escape the cruel fingers without active thought.
Jared smelled of blood and smoke and sweat. He smelled like he always did when he came to see Jensen. He smelled of bad things and cruel deeds in the name of the Almighty. He smelled of sin and guilt.
It made Jensen shiver.
“Because you are my responsibility. Every guilt on your heart weighs double on mine.”
“So I fast and pray and you...” A chest pressed against his aching back and the rough-spun wool of the knight's shirt scratched painfully on his wounds making him tremble.
“I pay with blood.”
A sudden explosion of movement made Jensen's head spin with pain and dizziness when an arm came flying around his chest and Jared's hand clenched around his throat hard as he was pulled roughly back against the knight's tightly wound body. Jared's lips were on his ear, air swooshing by in a hiss.
“I paid the Lord with so much heathen blood that I could drown you in it a hundred times.” Blunt nails dug into Jensen's soft neck while his mouth opened and closed in silent panic. “When will it ever be enough to satisfy Him? Why can't He ever be satisfied?”
Jensen felt panic flying through his body as his lungs ached for air and his fingers slipped on Jared's bloodied hands when he tried to pry them away. His body twitched and struggled of its own volition as dark spots exploded in his vision and when he was suddenly shoved away, naked arms catching his fall on the hard stone floor, stone scratching open his elbows, he did nothing but suck in the cool air in hungry, rough sounding gulps until his head swam.
“I don't know, Jared.” He should have had a better answer but his mind was blank. Tears were running down his face unbidden and when he looked at the Knight Templar his vision was blurred around the edges.
The man's fists were trembling as if he had exhausted himself when he forced his hands to let go of Jensen and his jaw was flexing rhythmically. Jared was wound so tight that he seemed close to bursting, that the darkness and the hate were nearly tangible as they oozed out of the knight. Jensen swallowed.
“Why does he take your penance but not mine?” Jared asked with an angry look at the whip lying on the cold stone. “Why do I still feel guilty?”
“You think the guilt we feel will go away once we paid for it? That's not how it works,” Jensen said with a roughened voice. “He hears our prayers even if he doesn't answer.”
“How do you know?” Jared nearly choked on the words as he asked the question of doubt.
“Faith.” It was the only answer Jensen could give even though he knew it wasn't the one that was wanted.
Something changed on Jared's face and the doubt melted into a hard mask of resignation. “Fine. Take up your scourge.”
Jensen didn't move to obey as he watched the kneeling knight reach underneath the long rough-spun shirt with the blue cross on the chest that was now crusted with Jensen's blood as well as the grime of earlier deeds. He watched as Jared undid his breeches and pulled them down his thighs.
“Take up your scourge, Jensen!”
And he did unhesitating as if the Lord himself had given him the order through his troubled servant. His legs were a tangled mess with his robe and he didn't resist when Jared yanked the fabric away from him roughly before pulling him towards himself.
“I will give you my sins and you will give me your penance.” Jared's dry lips scratched his ear as they moved against it and Jensen was pulled onto the kneeling knight's lap, hissing when his open back once more was pushed against a hard chest covered in wool.
Maybe it was the agony in his back or the fact that the last time they had sinned was not long ago, but the pain of the breach was less cruel than he remembered. Still the push inside his body made him grunt with discomfort as the stretch and burn made his muscles cramp up.
An arm came around him again, fingers pressing against their own imprints on his skin but not clenching as hard as they had before. Then another hand closed around his where the scourge was hanging uselessly by his side, engulfing his own fingers in a tight grip.
“Start praying, father.” The whispered words made Jensen's eyes snap up to the naked wooden cross on his wall and he felt exposed bent back against Jared like that with his nudity flashing freely in the empty room... in the eyes of God.
The thought made him tremble and his hoarse voice shake as he picked up the prayer that had driven him to his cells in the first place. “Pater noster, qui es in caelis, sanctificetur nomen tuum...”
Lips moved against the side of his face as Jared silently mouthed the familiar words with him. Their joined hands suddenly snapped up at a burst of effort from the knight and the scourge flew up and over their shoulders finding Jared's back with a slap and a gasp against Jensen's ear. The moment the whip hit flesh Jared's body jerked pushing him deeper into Jensen, who gasped in synchronism to the other man.
A second snap of the scourge, a second snap of hips and a second couple of gasps were followed by a third. Jared found a rhythm that was painfully slow and had Jensen flinching prematurely every other time in expectation of another snap before it actually happened all the while murmuring the words of the prayer only interrupted when his voice broke with the gasp of another push.
“Et ne nos...” He broke off, swallowing around the sudden lump in his sore throat. He couldn't go on, couldn't actually mean the words when he was just then on the path of dark temptation. His body trembled and he closed his eyes because looking at the cross on the wall made him feel sick, sick of his own sin and the betrayal of his oath and the way he never resisted and always found a way to justify himself even though he knew that it was a sin.
Without his voice the room was silent but for the sickening crack of the whip in the air and on Jared's flesh and the grunts and gasps of those succumbed to sin. The hand around his neck tightened again and this time he didn't fight, simply leaned against the body behind him and felt the freely exposed hardness that was his biggest shame grow even more until he came unwanted and untouched clamping down on Jared as his whole body cramped just like his airless lungs.
The hand on his neck trembled and fell away loosely the same moment that the scourge dropped from their hands as Jared stilled and all strength seemed to leave him together with the darkness, the sin that he had pushed into Jensen with every move.
Suddenly Jared picked up the words that had nearly broken Jensen before.
“...nos inducas in tentationem sed libera nos a malo.”
“Amen,” Jensen whispered as their contact broke and he suddenly felt cold again and found his whole body aching: back, neck... and the dark and sinful place that Jensen himself wasn't supposed to touch, let alone someone else.
He sat there, broken and unmoving but for his head which turned towards the Knight Templar who was still panting. Jared's formerly white shirt was red with Jensen's blood on the front and his own on the back, ragged and ripped where the whip had cut through it. But despite the image of destruction, Jared looked calm. The darkness was at bay once more.
As Jared fastened his breeches again his hazel eyes skimmed up to meet Jensen's in a stoic gaze. “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned...”
***
>> Sequel: Belief
A/N: And another one turned into a verse! xD I personally love this one. What do you think? More?
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Words: 2,300
Warnings: dub-con, religious themes, priest!Jensen/KightTemplar!Jared, m/m sex, violence, self-castigation/whipping, blasphemy, elements of S&M and bondage, asphyxiation kink/strangulation
Disclaimer: Pure and utter fiction.
Summary: Sequel to Sin<< Jensen is still repenting for his and Jared's sins. But as he is prepared to pay with his own blood, Jared has different plans.
“Pater noster, qui es in caelis, sanctificetur nomen tuum.” Jensen recited the prayer with confidence. He had said it more times than he could count. It was a steady companion in his life in the clergy. One of the corner stones of his belief that he had learned so long ago that he couldn't remember a time he didn't know these words. “Adveniat regnum tuum. Fiat voluntas tua, sicut in caelo et in terra.”
He lit the candles one by one, watching the Lord's light illuminate the shadow-haunted church more and more with every flame taking hold. It was the way things were supposed to be: light defeating darkness. The next part of the Lord's Prayer had never struck Jensen deeply when he was a child, when the deepest guilt he felt was that of a child disobeying its mother's orders. But now it cut deep, his voice going hoarse as the words formed on his lips asking for the forgiveness of his God: “Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie, et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.” He took a deep breath, hardly daring to utter the last of the words, but forcing himself to complete the prayer: “Et ne nos inducas in tentationem,...” And lead us not into temptation... not again. Please, not again. “... sed libera nos a malo. Amen.”
He hissed, dropping the taper that had burned all the way down to his fingertips unnoticed, biting his lip to keep from cursing inappropriately. Stomping out the flame on the ground he blew on his burned finger before bending down to retrieve the offending tool. He couldn't help but wonder if this was God's way of telling him that reciting a prayer will not make good on the sins weighing on his soul, pulling him closer to the fire of damnation.
“Will you ever forgive me? Should you?”
The flames of the candles danced across the niches the saints were looming in, making the shadows ripple like snakes. Jensen could feel his heart racing as the creatures of temptation moved all around him.
His footsteps fell heavy as he hasted from the nave towards his cells and only stopped when he fell to his knees there, forehead bowed to the cold stone beneath him. “Mea culpa, mea culpa...” He muttered those words, the admission of guilt, over and over again as he pulled the black robes off his shoulders to let them bunch around his lap.
The swishing of the scourge as it cut through the air made his eyes drift closed for a second and the moment the pain cut through his back and shoulders bright and cleansing, he could feel the iron fist around his chest ease up, breaths rushing into him fast. He panted, eyes turned so far upwards that they hurt; the low stone ceiling blurring.
The hot burning of the new welt found the dull ache of the old ones that were not yet healed. It was a cruel reminder that what he did before would never leave him anymore... unless he repented with all of his heart, all of his soul.
The screech of the hinges made him jump as much as the sudden draft stirring the cool air of hIs cells when the door was pushed open. He stilled, eyes suddenly closing as he fought the urge to cover his bleeding back. Instead he sat completely still. Whoever it was could take a good look, should take a good look and see that he was paying the Lord with his own blood. They would leave again, certainly, so he could finish his penance.
Another screech and Jensen sighed out a breath as he swung the scourge once more. It didn't meet his flesh, instead stopping half way as it was caught unexpectedly. His eyes flew open and he looked up to find Jared's hand curled around the leather of his whip, a thin trail of blood running down his palm.
“You did this?” Bold fingers fluttered over the raw flesh of his back making him flinch and let go of the scourge. His breath stopped like he was suddenly doused in ice water and he could do nothing but nod to confirm the obvious.
The Knight Templar seemed fascinated with the bloody mess of Jensen's back, dropping to his knees behind the priest to get a better look.
“Why?” Jared's hands had stilled on his body, seeming almost hesitant for a moment before his fingertips started tracing a fresh welt on Jensen's body, the tender flesh making Jensen hiss under the caress.
He swallowed, looking up at his Lord where the small wooden cross hung on his otherwise empty wall. “As payment for my sins. To redeem myself in the eyes of God.”
“Our sins, you mean,” the knight whispered into his ear with a voice so low that nobody could hear it but them and the Almighty.
Jensen didn't answer. He had taken the burden of Jared's darkness upon himself and would pay the price for now and all eternity if he had to. He knew that Jared's guilt was eternal too. But the Lord forgave even if man could not. That's what Jensen had to believe for both their sakes.
“Why would God ask you to pay more for my sins than I do?” He proved his point when his fingertip prodded between the raw edges of an open whip cut. Jensen's back arched as the pain shot through him trying to escape the cruel fingers without active thought.
Jared smelled of blood and smoke and sweat. He smelled like he always did when he came to see Jensen. He smelled of bad things and cruel deeds in the name of the Almighty. He smelled of sin and guilt.
It made Jensen shiver.
“Because you are my responsibility. Every guilt on your heart weighs double on mine.”
“So I fast and pray and you...” A chest pressed against his aching back and the rough-spun wool of the knight's shirt scratched painfully on his wounds making him tremble.
“I pay with blood.”
A sudden explosion of movement made Jensen's head spin with pain and dizziness when an arm came flying around his chest and Jared's hand clenched around his throat hard as he was pulled roughly back against the knight's tightly wound body. Jared's lips were on his ear, air swooshing by in a hiss.
“I paid the Lord with so much heathen blood that I could drown you in it a hundred times.” Blunt nails dug into Jensen's soft neck while his mouth opened and closed in silent panic. “When will it ever be enough to satisfy Him? Why can't He ever be satisfied?”
Jensen felt panic flying through his body as his lungs ached for air and his fingers slipped on Jared's bloodied hands when he tried to pry them away. His body twitched and struggled of its own volition as dark spots exploded in his vision and when he was suddenly shoved away, naked arms catching his fall on the hard stone floor, stone scratching open his elbows, he did nothing but suck in the cool air in hungry, rough sounding gulps until his head swam.
“I don't know, Jared.” He should have had a better answer but his mind was blank. Tears were running down his face unbidden and when he looked at the Knight Templar his vision was blurred around the edges.
The man's fists were trembling as if he had exhausted himself when he forced his hands to let go of Jensen and his jaw was flexing rhythmically. Jared was wound so tight that he seemed close to bursting, that the darkness and the hate were nearly tangible as they oozed out of the knight. Jensen swallowed.
“Why does he take your penance but not mine?” Jared asked with an angry look at the whip lying on the cold stone. “Why do I still feel guilty?”
“You think the guilt we feel will go away once we paid for it? That's not how it works,” Jensen said with a roughened voice. “He hears our prayers even if he doesn't answer.”
“How do you know?” Jared nearly choked on the words as he asked the question of doubt.
“Faith.” It was the only answer Jensen could give even though he knew it wasn't the one that was wanted.
Something changed on Jared's face and the doubt melted into a hard mask of resignation. “Fine. Take up your scourge.”
Jensen didn't move to obey as he watched the kneeling knight reach underneath the long rough-spun shirt with the blue cross on the chest that was now crusted with Jensen's blood as well as the grime of earlier deeds. He watched as Jared undid his breeches and pulled them down his thighs.
“Take up your scourge, Jensen!”
And he did unhesitating as if the Lord himself had given him the order through his troubled servant. His legs were a tangled mess with his robe and he didn't resist when Jared yanked the fabric away from him roughly before pulling him towards himself.
“I will give you my sins and you will give me your penance.” Jared's dry lips scratched his ear as they moved against it and Jensen was pulled onto the kneeling knight's lap, hissing when his open back once more was pushed against a hard chest covered in wool.
Maybe it was the agony in his back or the fact that the last time they had sinned was not long ago, but the pain of the breach was less cruel than he remembered. Still the push inside his body made him grunt with discomfort as the stretch and burn made his muscles cramp up.
An arm came around him again, fingers pressing against their own imprints on his skin but not clenching as hard as they had before. Then another hand closed around his where the scourge was hanging uselessly by his side, engulfing his own fingers in a tight grip.
“Start praying, father.” The whispered words made Jensen's eyes snap up to the naked wooden cross on his wall and he felt exposed bent back against Jared like that with his nudity flashing freely in the empty room... in the eyes of God.
The thought made him tremble and his hoarse voice shake as he picked up the prayer that had driven him to his cells in the first place. “Pater noster, qui es in caelis, sanctificetur nomen tuum...”
Lips moved against the side of his face as Jared silently mouthed the familiar words with him. Their joined hands suddenly snapped up at a burst of effort from the knight and the scourge flew up and over their shoulders finding Jared's back with a slap and a gasp against Jensen's ear. The moment the whip hit flesh Jared's body jerked pushing him deeper into Jensen, who gasped in synchronism to the other man.
A second snap of the scourge, a second snap of hips and a second couple of gasps were followed by a third. Jared found a rhythm that was painfully slow and had Jensen flinching prematurely every other time in expectation of another snap before it actually happened all the while murmuring the words of the prayer only interrupted when his voice broke with the gasp of another push.
“Et ne nos...” He broke off, swallowing around the sudden lump in his sore throat. He couldn't go on, couldn't actually mean the words when he was just then on the path of dark temptation. His body trembled and he closed his eyes because looking at the cross on the wall made him feel sick, sick of his own sin and the betrayal of his oath and the way he never resisted and always found a way to justify himself even though he knew that it was a sin.
Without his voice the room was silent but for the sickening crack of the whip in the air and on Jared's flesh and the grunts and gasps of those succumbed to sin. The hand around his neck tightened again and this time he didn't fight, simply leaned against the body behind him and felt the freely exposed hardness that was his biggest shame grow even more until he came unwanted and untouched clamping down on Jared as his whole body cramped just like his airless lungs.
The hand on his neck trembled and fell away loosely the same moment that the scourge dropped from their hands as Jared stilled and all strength seemed to leave him together with the darkness, the sin that he had pushed into Jensen with every move.
Suddenly Jared picked up the words that had nearly broken Jensen before.
“...nos inducas in tentationem sed libera nos a malo.”
“Amen,” Jensen whispered as their contact broke and he suddenly felt cold again and found his whole body aching: back, neck... and the dark and sinful place that Jensen himself wasn't supposed to touch, let alone someone else.
He sat there, broken and unmoving but for his head which turned towards the Knight Templar who was still panting. Jared's formerly white shirt was red with Jensen's blood on the front and his own on the back, ragged and ripped where the whip had cut through it. But despite the image of destruction, Jared looked calm. The darkness was at bay once more.
As Jared fastened his breeches again his hazel eyes skimmed up to meet Jensen's in a stoic gaze. “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned...”
***
>> Sequel: Belief
A/N: And another one turned into a verse! xD I personally love this one. What do you think? More?