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THE NUMBER SIX
Six Tips to Get YOU Into the Wizarding Uni of Your Dreams
By special correspondent Rita Skeeter
Have you been struggling with applications, unable to find funds for your higher education, worried that your wand isn't up to university standards? This week's edition of The Number Six will tell you how to sell yourself to that spectacular school. Not only will you charm them with your credentials, but you may just get lucky in the process.
Number One: If you're applying to an American uni, push your natural speaking to the utter limit. Those silly Americans melt over English, Scottish, and Irish accents, so use that to your best advantage. To them, anything sounds more authoritative if someone like says it in a voice like ours.
Number Two: But if your voice can't carry you, make sure you look your utmost best. Unattractive? These days, TransFiguration surgery is both safe and effective. Just look at my results! Took off twenty years, plenty more of that in weight, and I look like myself again. Don't be shy about trying a new look if your current one doesn't suit your goals.
Number Three: Eliminate the competition. Need I elaborate?
Number Four: For that essay, no matter what the prompt, make sure you write about the most heart-wrenching, bone-crushing, soul-leeching tragedy that has ever happened to you-- but don't forget that you have to triumph over it, too! If you can survive a Killing Curse that claimed the lives of your parents, grandparents, best friends, neighbor's kneazle, and a unicorn, surely you can survive at their university.
Number Five: Your most flattering photos never hurt, especially if they're sexy. Especially. Be willing to do anything to get into their program, including showing a little something-something. Remember what I said about your personal tragedy? The below picture not only meets my Number Five requirements, but it was also used to illustrate Number Four-- the tragedy of the gorgeousness I lost to my figure-destroying descent into obesity, along with the legal struggles and heartbreak of having my look completely stolen by a Muggle bint and monopolized for a ridiculous popular poster. I was the original! It was ALL ME!
But you know what I spun from that? I told them how much I learned about inner beauty, what's really important, fame isn't everything, blah blah blah and the universities loved it. Loved it.
Remember: it doesn't have to be completely factual if it sounds true to the heart. After all, it's not a memoir.
And, of course:
Number Six: Become a pirate. This may sound ridiculous, but trust me: it combines all of these elements. The best pirates are sexy in both voice and dress, and they have plenty of funds to support their education. You have the tragedy of perhaps being kidnapped by pirates or having to throw a loved one overboard. You are dashing and pose well, especially with your pirate weaponry that may just come in handy with those other applicants. Try it; you may like it. And it will work. Just think of the stories from the high seas that you'll have for your application essays!
And that's all for The Number Six! Arrr!