[ikkaku/soi fong AU: the names are secretly out of order.]

[insertbaldjoke]

The problem is she's too punctual. She's got a lot of problems, but she makes punctuality one of them, because she's got the types of problems that become your problems if you're not too careful, and Ikkaku's never careful. Eight o'clock, she said, with the word "sharp" at the end where she thought he couldn't hear it, little early for some things

Comments

[bzzzkill]

His problem is he's an idiot. Would it have killed him to be on time? Or at least pretend he was trying. What can he possibly prove by his lack of punctuality? Her irritation has been growing steadily since 8:00. Fifteen minutes. Soi Fong can work up a lot of irritation in fifteen minutes.

As soon as she becomes aware of his presence she throws open the door of her cabin with a resounding bang and glares. "You're late."

[insertbaldjoke]

Nice and easy, that's the ticket: "Pardon me, ma'am." Don't sound like too much of an asshole and all she'll do is take off, what, a finger? Better than the whole hand, anyhow. Doesn't need two hands to hold a sword, but having two hands can be really useful sometimes, and amputees've got less street value.

Excuse number one. "Fashionably." Not so much an excuse as it is one of those death warrants he hears so much about.

Excuse number two. "...dog ate my--

"Caught in traffic," he says, abruptly, like he's remembering himself.

...two wrongs don't make a right, anyhow. Neither do three. When she glares, Ikkaku doesn't glare back.

[bzzzkill]

Typical. That's the first word that comes to mind when he speaks. So. Very. Typical.

"Traffic," she repeats the word, her tone bored, but with a definite edge. She's just waiting for him to give her a reason to punch him. She wants it.

[insertbaldjoke]

The bait's right there.

He remembers needing to be the type of guy who could see a pitfall from a mile away; he remembers being the type of guy who stuck his hand in bear traps to check their quality. He remembers that it's more important to remember he's digging his own grave, just the way he likes it, six feet deep and custom-fit casket, and that it's even more important to remember that no matter how pointy Captain Soi Fong's teeth are, he's not a bear and she's not made of metal.

"Traffic. Real. Crazy. Shit. Got hit by a stampede of raging robot cows. Was a rancher in my past life, y'know, you'd think I'd be used to that kinda thing, but it's been a long time."