Sucker MCs
I wrote this back in 2004 sometime, as a riff on the tendency of rappers in the 1980s to boast about their own prowess at the expense of other "sucker MCs":
Wellllll...
Other rappers make the hits, I make the misses
I'm the sucker MC that everybody disses
My past is undistinguished and my future is bleak
Cuz my skills are nonexistent and my rhymes are weak
I can barely scratch my balls, so never mind the vinyl
When I took Rap 101 I got a zero on the final
I tried to get my samples from the grocery store
And I only finished two lines when my throat got sore
At open microphone nights I'm banned from the stage
Even next to total amateurs I'm on the wrong page
Maybe it's because I grew up white bread and suburban
Or maybe it's just that I'm so bad that it's disturbin'
Other rappers make the hits, I make the misses
I'm the sucker MC that everybody disses
My past is undistinguished and my future is bleak
As a nerd I would excel but as a rapper I just reek
I get no play with women cuz I drive a Pee Oh Ess
Where money is concerned I must do more with less
To add insult to injury, I have to say the same
Thing about my package, and I got no game
For all I know about snaps they could be a kind of button
When I speak nobody listens, I'm the anti-E. F. Hutton
Trying to improvise makes me start to cough and choke
It's just like when I light up cuz I'm allergic to the smoke
Other rappers make the hits, I make the misses
I'm the sucker MC that everybody disses
My past is undistinguished and my future is bleak
My best hope for a career is to be Joke of the Week
All my pants are floods and my jacket is Members Only
My right hand is my best friend since my nights are always lonely
Women scream and run rather than giving me a chance
And even Humpty from DU laughs when I try to dance
My diction is pathetic and I have no gift for rhyme
I tried to land a record deal but couldn't get a dime
Then I burned some cds so I could sell them from my trunk
Sold just one to my mother and even she said that it stunk
Other rappers make the hits, I make the misses
I'm the sucker MC that everybody disses
My past is undistinguished and my future is bleak
I wannabe a rapper but I'm mostly just a freak
Wellllll...
Other rappers make the hits, I make the misses
I'm the sucker MC that everybody disses
My past is undistinguished and my future is bleak
Cuz my skills are nonexistent and my rhymes are weak
I can barely scratch my balls, so never mind the vinyl
When I took Rap 101 I got a zero on the final
I tried to get my samples from the grocery store
And I only finished two lines when my throat got sore
At open microphone nights I'm banned from the stage
Even next to total amateurs I'm on the wrong page
Maybe it's because I grew up white bread and suburban
Or maybe it's just that I'm so bad that it's disturbin'
Other rappers make the hits, I make the misses
I'm the sucker MC that everybody disses
My past is undistinguished and my future is bleak
As a nerd I would excel but as a rapper I just reek
I get no play with women cuz I drive a Pee Oh Ess
Where money is concerned I must do more with less
To add insult to injury, I have to say the same
Thing about my package, and I got no game
For all I know about snaps they could be a kind of button
When I speak nobody listens, I'm the anti-E. F. Hutton
Trying to improvise makes me start to cough and choke
It's just like when I light up cuz I'm allergic to the smoke
Other rappers make the hits, I make the misses
I'm the sucker MC that everybody disses
My past is undistinguished and my future is bleak
My best hope for a career is to be Joke of the Week
All my pants are floods and my jacket is Members Only
My right hand is my best friend since my nights are always lonely
Women scream and run rather than giving me a chance
And even Humpty from DU laughs when I try to dance
My diction is pathetic and I have no gift for rhyme
I tried to land a record deal but couldn't get a dime
Then I burned some cds so I could sell them from my trunk
Sold just one to my mother and even she said that it stunk
Other rappers make the hits, I make the misses
I'm the sucker MC that everybody disses
My past is undistinguished and my future is bleak
I wannabe a rapper but I'm mostly just a freak