logorrhea much?
My Personality
Neuroticism
56
Extraversion
47
Openness To Experience
75
Agreeableness
43
Conscientiousness
75
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120 questions.
My Personality
Neuroticism
35
Extraversion
31
Openness To Experience
88
Agreeableness
49
Conscientiousness
58
Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report
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where did things to awry? im feeling nostalgic after revisiting a reminder of my past. the feelings it brought back is so different from how im feeling about the situation now. retroactive insight tells me that it was the perfect moment in time, precariously balanced between nervousness and control. how could i have forgotten the specifics til now?
im trying to pinpoint the turning point and the reason it changed, but it won't make sense. i seemed to remember feeling less rounded back then. the changes and things i've learned since then seem to make me a better person holistically. however, i dont think im now capable of being the person in my memory. where did he go? maybe it just took the right situation. lets hope it will come again. i want to be him again. the farther i run due to self-loathing the more i learn to love the way i was.
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im conflicted. the easiest way to make all this better is to sleep for a long while. i still have things to do, a lot of things to do. things that progress toward something. i want to fend off sleep to accomplish them. however, my brain keeps working on and on while i do these things. so, sleep to placate this torrent or work to gratify self but spiral on down.
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(1:01:26 AM) me: i think im gonna be one of those people who's still gonna be unhappy even tho everything's comparatively great. im gonna have a decent job with decent money, very little personal problems other than discontentment, numerous good friends, not trapped by the trappings of modern society. however, constantly changing because i will always see something better.
(1:02:17 AM) me: its a never ending cycle. you get past consumerism, you get past having work as your primary reward in life, you get past being cool, you get past making friends, but there's still more.
(1:03:44 AM) me: you get past needing to feel accepted, you get past needing to overly express yourself, you find balance, but realize that it's just another step.
(1:05:10 AM) me: because at some point in this journey, you realize that you're making progress but some things are just out of your control no matter how good you are. but you're not the type to sit still. you see others doing it, but that just never appeal or click to you.
(1:05:54 AM) me: haha, i think i need to write a book or an album or a script or smth.
(1:06:39 AM) me: i may have discovered the next zeitgeist.
excerpt from IM rantish conversation just now.
i just got rid of all the stuff that are the easiest to gratify oneself and find comfort in. it's not like i'm not aware that i should find a place to be content, but again, the idea does not appeal to any part of me.
this goes back to my mental theory of the contentment/discontentment dichotomy. some people can just accept their situation and look on the positive side. some people can't even tho they know better. (this theory does not apply to people who are not yet self-aware enough to make the distinction.)
maybe im trying to control this content bias too much. i think this may be the one thing where balance is not a good thing. good things can be achieved at either extremes, but personal turmoil lies in the grey.