Comments | insolentscrawl: Among The Branches

insolentscrawl

Among The Branches

Feb 05, 2010 21:00

Title: Among the Branches
Prompt: Birds of a Feather
Author's Note: This is my response to the Brigits Prompt for the first week in February. I hope you enjoy!

( Click here to read )

brigits_flame

Comments 8

lacruciverbiste February 7 2010, 18:11:43 UTC

Very cute! A very recognizable scenario.

Good luck this week!

~Kate ( Brigit's Flame, Week 1: "Proud Mary")

insolentscrawl February 7 2010, 18:57:57 UTC

Thanks! I spent two days staring at the prompt until I came up with this. lol

sobitxx February 9 2010, 16:44:59 UTC

Man, this reminds me of my brother and I. It's very cute though. [:

insolentscrawl February 9 2010, 23:29:32 UTC

My husband read this and laughed until he cried... it's very true to life, and true to the life of our kids. They fight like cats and dogs when we watch, but form a cohesive team when Mom and Dad aren't around.

Then again, I think maybe my brothers and I were like that at times, too. :)

so_wordy February 10 2010, 20:03:45 UTC

This piece is so real, and that's one of the reasons I love it so much. The second is because of your details and the dialogue between your two characters.

It's subtle, yet witty. For instance Grade School Boys Beaten To Death By Kindergarten Barbie. I also love Bob's closing line, Otherwise they'd be beating each other with sticks.

The only real criticism I have concerns how many children are being talked about (3 or 4). The eldest daughter (who is mentioned first) seems to drop off in the rest of the piece. While the boys (I'm guessing there's two) and the youngest daughter come full circle in the end.

Other than that though, I really enjoyed this piece. Good luck in the run-off poll! :)

insolentscrawl February 10 2010, 20:09:26 UTC

Thanks. I think it comes across as real because when I close my eyes, I can so easily remember this very scene just a few months back.

I have a hard time trying to describe four children in a short piece like this. I never know how to do it so it doesn't come across as too wordy or too boring. And you were right. There are four - the oldest and youngest are girls. The boys are sandwiched in between.

It's very much a comedy in that when we're watching (or listening), there's constant squabbling. Yet when the kids don't realize we're around, they become this cohesive unit.

insolentscrawl February 10 2010, 20:10:27 UTC

I should also add that our youngest - the kindergarten barbie - is the girliest girl you can imagine. However, if you tick her off, she turns into the Warrior Princess. lol

so_wordy February 10 2010, 20:18:37 UTC

You did a lovely job, don't doubt! You said that all the children were playing together, right? So all you need to do is make sure to add the eldest daughter in there. I don't know if I skimmed over her, or if she wasn't mentioned. Just try and make her presence stronger at the end.

It wasn't boring! It was beautiful. And being the youngest in my family (I have an older sister), this piece is entirely relatable. Especially from when I was younger. Bickering all the time? Yeah definitely. It's funny though how kids get along when adults aren't around. I think it's because they really see that they need eachother.