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Babes and Bastards - The Interactive Soap Opera
Welcome to the first ever (and probably the last ever) episode of the Internet's one and only Interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and the Bastards!!!
It was a cold night outside, the rain beating against the windows while you and K' cuddled up against each other on the leather couch, moaning and breathing heavily enough to fog up the windows.
You: Oooh yeah I love you, oh yeah that's it, hold on I just need to take these off...
K': No! No...I can't.
You: Comeon babe, nobody will even know...
K': It's just...just that...I feel bad.
You: You're worried about Molly aren't you?
K': I'm not sure, I just...I just feel bad. We have been married for 3 years now, I keep thinking that just because Molly has a problem -
You: A problem? You realised this when? Everyone else has known that Molly has been addicted to DDR for years!
K': I think that you should leave...
You: Okay, okay fine, I'm going, but don't come running back to me when you realise that you don't want to be with Molly anymore.
Meanwhile, across town in the DDR rehabilitation clinic...
Jamila: Okay Molly I think you're ready to face the outside world again.
Molly: Really? I'm...I'm cured?
Jamila: Yes, just remember, that if you are ever in a position where you are tempted by DDR just look the other way. Good luck.
Molly looks extremely happy with themselves and heads out of the clinic beaming. From the darkness appears Doug carrying a bundle of cash.Doug hands it over to Jamila and they shake hands.
Doug: Thankyou SO much, I am so greatful.
Jamila: No, no, the pleasure is ALL mine trust me. Could I possibly ask why it is that you wanted me to rig Molly's recovery so soon?
Doug looks uncomfortable and frowns.
Jamila: Well?
Doug: You'd probably just laugh, it's just that...well...since Molly has been in here Noellie and K' have been getting really close...TOO close.
Jamila: And?
Doug: Do I need to spell it out for you? I'm in love with Noellie.
Meanwhile, Delma groans from a hospital bed across the other side of town. Delma was rushed to hospital only minutes earlier.
Doctor: Delma I'm sorry but the news isn't good...
Delma: Just give it to me straight Doc. I can take it.
Doctor: You are suffering very badly from K'-AIDS. You probably have a few days to live at most.
Delma: Oh nos! Oh nos! What am I going to do?
Doctor: If there's any unfinished business that you have to attend to I recommend that you do it soon. Very soon.
Delma: Thankyou Doctor, yes, I think that there is.
Delma rises from the bed and makes for the door. Meanwhile, Jamila sits poised over a table, in front of them sits a piece of paper on which is written DDR and below it an image of a blue arrow...
Jamila: (cackling evilly) If this doesn't get Molly to snap then nothing will. All I need is for Molly to recieve this fax and then, driven to an insane rage by their addiction to take it out on Noellie...mwa-ha-ha.
Jamila walks over to the fax machine and sends the page to K' and Molly's house.
Meanwhile, you have just returned home to find Doug waiting at your door.
Doug: Hey...
You: Umm...hi...what can I do for you?
Doug: I was wondering if we could talk...and maybe eat some some of that cherry syrup off each other...
You: I'm not so sure that that would be a good idea, you see I'm trying to -
Doug: Molly was released from rehab today.
You: Oh?
Doug:Uh-huh...so you may as well give up on K'...but I'm here so...
You: Eat some of that cherry syrup off each other did you say?
Doug: Oh yeah.
You: Won't you come in?
Meanwhile, Delma pulls into K''s driveway and rushes to the door.
Delma: K' please come out, I really need to speak to you!
K': Delma is that you? What are you doing here? It's...like 3 in the morning...
Delma: I'm...I'm dying. I've been diagnosed with K'-AIDS.
K':Oh my God... Delma I'm sorry...does Noellie know?
Delma: No, I didn't have time, I had to come and see you to...well...
K': Yes?
Delma: I had to tell you that I'm in love with you, I know it didn't work out all those years ago and we had to keep the baby a secret...but now I'm sorry that we put it up for adoption, I'm sorry that I left you...I NEED you K'.
K': Shh, we promised never to speak of that. You should probably go, get some sleep...
Meanwhile, Molly slides around the back of the house, believing that they have been cured of their addiction to DDR, ready to surprise K'. As Molly passes through the study they notice that a fax is coming through and stop to read it. At once, Molly's body contorts and begins to spasm...it is then that they hear the voices of K' and Delma talking at the front door. This sends Molly into a fit of jealous rage...
But before we look at what happens there let's come back to Jamila who is sitting down watching some quality television.
Jamila: Ahh that's good stuff...
There is a knock at the door.
Jamila: Who is it?
Voice: Open up, it's the police!
Okay...well now that that is sorted out, let's head back over to your place where...well...
You: Oooh yeah, that's ooh yeah...
Doug: Mmm, yeah, oh yeah, oh...oh God yes...
Hmm, yes well anyway...now back to K' and Molly's house...
Delma: Oof! Oh Jesus, don't hit me, no! Argh!
Molly: (In a flurry of punches and kicks) Take that! And that! And...THAT!
K': Molly what are you doing out of rehab! What's happening?
Molly: Oh, I'm sorry I got back early! I feel so bad for breaking up your sordid affair with Delma here.
K': No! Please, Delma's dying!
Molly: You got that right! Lousy piece of shit!
And that, is where we will leave the adventures of our heroes for tonight, but remember to tune in next week for more...no actually that was terrible there probably won't be anymore...of the Internet's one and only interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and Bastards!