Are you ready for the melodrama?
So we won the preliminaries at drama festival. I cried. I really love our play and I love being a part of it. Do you know how long it's taken me to get to this point? Ever since the show was cast, I was really not into the play. I was really disappointed that I'd written so much for a character that I wouldn't even get the chance to play. On top of that, rumors were circulating that Lily didn't even want the role of Ruth and wasn't sure if she'd be able to handle it. She actually talked to Ms. Clapp about switching roles with me. Didn't happen. When we voted on whether to go to drama festival or not, I voted yes, even though I still hated being in the play. But finally, I was able to accept the fact that Lily was probably the best person for the role, and I was probably cast in the best role for me, small as it is. After performing the play last Saturday and seeing the crowd's reaction, I was so proud to be part of that play. I'd never realized how awesome our play really was. And I was so excited about being able to perform it again at semi-finals in two weeks.
Yesterday, the stupid Junior Varieties people decided to move Junior Varieties to next week because there MIGHT be a girl's basketball game on Friday, if they win tomorrow. So not only do all 10 or so play production people who are involved in JV's have to leave semi-finals early, but we have to share the auditorium with JV's next week. Just the thought of leaving drama festival early brought tears to my eyes. This play means SO MUCH to me. It's one of the few things that's actually gone right this year. So I decided that no one could force me to do anything. And guess what? I don't give a shit about Junior Varieties! All I do is sing back up on a song that Ms. Simson is doing, and I really really really wish she'd never asked me to do it. The whole experience has just sucked. The rehearsals are absolutely ridiculous. They take forever and I have to sit around for hours just to sing back up on one stupid song. And a lot of time, I'm the only back up vocalist there and I have to run around trying to find the other two. I thought Junior Varieties was fun, but it's really not. At all. It's so different from the regular shows I've been in. Plus it's not even for my class. So yeah, I don't really care that much. And I've never been into class events anyway.
I really felt strongly about staying at drama festival the whole day. I wanted to hang out with other people and meet new people and see the other plays we're up against and be at the awards ceremony. So yesterday I talked to this girl Angela (one of my favorite freshmen!) about taking my place on Saturday night. Ms. Simson was fine with it- she said I just had to talk to the JV's people. And my part is really easily, so it would honestly take like ten minutes to teach it to her.
Today in play production Ms. Clapp was asking who would need waivers to leave drama festival early, and I didn't raise my hand. So I told her what my choice was, and she basically said, "It's up to you, but I think that's really not cool." Then something about commitment. So after school today I went up to her and said, "I know you think my decision is 'not cool', but I really feel strongly about it." And then she basically sent me on an all-expenses paid guilt trip, saying how she "really didn't feel comfortable" with my decision and how if I was ever going to do theater after high school, I have to learn how to honor my commitments. THEN she said something to the effect of, "Commitment has really been a road block for you this year. I mean, how many times have we had this conversation? Whenever you're disappointed with something or things don't go your way, you want to quit." I wanted to respond to that, but by that time I was on the verge of tears so I didn't want to say anything. Oh yeah, I've been REALLY uncommitted this year. I've only been to every single rehearsal we've had this year, and I came back for several days to help finish the set painting for drama festival. Not to mention, I wrote a considerable amount of the play and stayed up the whole night on my birthday to type up the whole script. Then I put revisions into the script and brought the revised copies in to Ms. Clapp. But no, I'm not committed. True, I've talked to Ms. Clapp a few times this year about my issues with casting. But I thought that she would see that as a sign of strength, rather than weakness. Instead of just whining to other people, I discussed things with her and was willing to admit that yes, I do have a very low sense of self-esteem and that's probably why I've always craved lead roles to make me feel like I'm worth something. I thought our talks meant something, that maybe she understood me a little more. But no, Ms. Clapp probably just sees me as a melodramatic, whiny, stage whore. At the parent-teacher conferences, she told my mom that I have self esteem issues. Obviously, I know that I do, but I don't want my parents thinking I have any problems. REALLY hurt to have her fling them back in my face like that.
So now I feel totally different about everything. I'm not excited about drama festival anymore, because I know it's going to suck having to leave early. Silly me, for thinking that at least one thing would work out this year! If things had actually gone my way this year, I'd be taking both Calculus and Spanish and NOT Chem II, I'd have gotten into district chorus and Yale, I'd have gotten good roles in play production and Greenroom, I'd still be good friends with Brian, I'd be going to prom with Shawn, and I'd be going on the band trip to Virginia Beach, or at least the one to Canada. Not to mention, I'd be able to fully enjoy my one and only drama festival. But I guess nothing has really worked out. And it sucks a lot, because I'll be long gone next year. There are no second chances...
Yesterday, the stupid Junior Varieties people decided to move Junior Varieties to next week because there MIGHT be a girl's basketball game on Friday, if they win tomorrow. So not only do all 10 or so play production people who are involved in JV's have to leave semi-finals early, but we have to share the auditorium with JV's next week. Just the thought of leaving drama festival early brought tears to my eyes. This play means SO MUCH to me. It's one of the few things that's actually gone right this year. So I decided that no one could force me to do anything. And guess what? I don't give a shit about Junior Varieties! All I do is sing back up on a song that Ms. Simson is doing, and I really really really wish she'd never asked me to do it. The whole experience has just sucked. The rehearsals are absolutely ridiculous. They take forever and I have to sit around for hours just to sing back up on one stupid song. And a lot of time, I'm the only back up vocalist there and I have to run around trying to find the other two. I thought Junior Varieties was fun, but it's really not. At all. It's so different from the regular shows I've been in. Plus it's not even for my class. So yeah, I don't really care that much. And I've never been into class events anyway.
I really felt strongly about staying at drama festival the whole day. I wanted to hang out with other people and meet new people and see the other plays we're up against and be at the awards ceremony. So yesterday I talked to this girl Angela (one of my favorite freshmen!) about taking my place on Saturday night. Ms. Simson was fine with it- she said I just had to talk to the JV's people. And my part is really easily, so it would honestly take like ten minutes to teach it to her.
Today in play production Ms. Clapp was asking who would need waivers to leave drama festival early, and I didn't raise my hand. So I told her what my choice was, and she basically said, "It's up to you, but I think that's really not cool." Then something about commitment. So after school today I went up to her and said, "I know you think my decision is 'not cool', but I really feel strongly about it." And then she basically sent me on an all-expenses paid guilt trip, saying how she "really didn't feel comfortable" with my decision and how if I was ever going to do theater after high school, I have to learn how to honor my commitments. THEN she said something to the effect of, "Commitment has really been a road block for you this year. I mean, how many times have we had this conversation? Whenever you're disappointed with something or things don't go your way, you want to quit." I wanted to respond to that, but by that time I was on the verge of tears so I didn't want to say anything. Oh yeah, I've been REALLY uncommitted this year. I've only been to every single rehearsal we've had this year, and I came back for several days to help finish the set painting for drama festival. Not to mention, I wrote a considerable amount of the play and stayed up the whole night on my birthday to type up the whole script. Then I put revisions into the script and brought the revised copies in to Ms. Clapp. But no, I'm not committed. True, I've talked to Ms. Clapp a few times this year about my issues with casting. But I thought that she would see that as a sign of strength, rather than weakness. Instead of just whining to other people, I discussed things with her and was willing to admit that yes, I do have a very low sense of self-esteem and that's probably why I've always craved lead roles to make me feel like I'm worth something. I thought our talks meant something, that maybe she understood me a little more. But no, Ms. Clapp probably just sees me as a melodramatic, whiny, stage whore. At the parent-teacher conferences, she told my mom that I have self esteem issues. Obviously, I know that I do, but I don't want my parents thinking I have any problems. REALLY hurt to have her fling them back in my face like that.
So now I feel totally different about everything. I'm not excited about drama festival anymore, because I know it's going to suck having to leave early. Silly me, for thinking that at least one thing would work out this year! If things had actually gone my way this year, I'd be taking both Calculus and Spanish and NOT Chem II, I'd have gotten into district chorus and Yale, I'd have gotten good roles in play production and Greenroom, I'd still be good friends with Brian, I'd be going to prom with Shawn, and I'd be going on the band trip to Virginia Beach, or at least the one to Canada. Not to mention, I'd be able to fully enjoy my one and only drama festival. But I guess nothing has really worked out. And it sucks a lot, because I'll be long gone next year. There are no second chances...