(no subject)
my day started out pretty normal.
woke up at 2pm and called Ragnar
lj cut for length and drama
then he told me that he doesnt want to come here for the summer because he isnt happy in our relationship and he didnt want to 'do to me what christi did to [him]'
meaning; when his ex dumped him it was after she visited him, accepted a proposal and it was completely out of the blue.
MEANING; "Hey lets break up soon k?"
and after 45 minutes or so of sobbing uncontrollably on the phone, in my pillow, in my bed we have shakely resolved things to the point of "we'll see where this goes when we're less upset."
ive been in this relationship since september '03
nearly 6 years and apparently in 2 weeks he's decided that he's not happy with the relationship
to add insult to injury a friend of mine told me a day or so earlier that she was starting to develop feelings for him (now i know she's NEVER act on them but thats not the point) the point is that its fucking with my perspective on whats going to happen, since today the love of my life nearly broke up with me
apparently because i dont like the fact that if i moved to iceland i'd be one of the people that i hate here in califnornia, someone who 'refuses' to learn english and insists on having someone else translate for them if they need -anything-
thats the -only- reason why i dont want to move to iceland, but apparently if i dont sacrifice everything i know for iceland instead of england or something with an easier language for me to learn then we have absolutely no future together
and i mean, i love him so much that im perfectly willing to do that, i mean i'd literally do anything to make him as happy as he makes me. and im not doing that
its killing me
i dunno if he really does want us to stay together cause when i did ask him that he said he couldnt really answer me because he didnt know
but he 'hopes' that he wants to stay with me
i dont understand why he's doing this then.
his therapist also told him to dump me cause then he'd be a lot less anxious, THEN when she said it he said "hell no i love her"
but when it sunk in (im guessing) he thought it was a great idea
now what might happen is ill have to go to iceland this summer instaed of him coming here and letting me go to school this year ill have to go there and hope that i can get a student visa or a job there in order to stay more than 3 months so we can have a future
this really is killing me
especially since its making me so miserable i spent the night drinking and smoking pot with Jena at mom's new house
and for anyone who's known me for more than a day knows that this is something that im pretty against.
i really miss him right now. i dont want to lose him and im terrified im going to call him in the morning and he's going to say "yeah nevermind. i dont want to be with you anymore. ps i love you lets stay friends"
the depressing part is that the anxious side of myself is already making plans for what i would do i that happened
im pretty drunk right now still and its 2 am. i want to go home to my own bed and my regular computer
im also having a really hard time keeping myself from crying constantly
woke up at 2pm and called Ragnar
lj cut for length and drama
then he told me that he doesnt want to come here for the summer because he isnt happy in our relationship and he didnt want to 'do to me what christi did to [him]'
meaning; when his ex dumped him it was after she visited him, accepted a proposal and it was completely out of the blue.
MEANING; "Hey lets break up soon k?"
and after 45 minutes or so of sobbing uncontrollably on the phone, in my pillow, in my bed we have shakely resolved things to the point of "we'll see where this goes when we're less upset."
ive been in this relationship since september '03
nearly 6 years and apparently in 2 weeks he's decided that he's not happy with the relationship
to add insult to injury a friend of mine told me a day or so earlier that she was starting to develop feelings for him (now i know she's NEVER act on them but thats not the point) the point is that its fucking with my perspective on whats going to happen, since today the love of my life nearly broke up with me
apparently because i dont like the fact that if i moved to iceland i'd be one of the people that i hate here in califnornia, someone who 'refuses' to learn english and insists on having someone else translate for them if they need -anything-
thats the -only- reason why i dont want to move to iceland, but apparently if i dont sacrifice everything i know for iceland instead of england or something with an easier language for me to learn then we have absolutely no future together
and i mean, i love him so much that im perfectly willing to do that, i mean i'd literally do anything to make him as happy as he makes me. and im not doing that
its killing me
i dunno if he really does want us to stay together cause when i did ask him that he said he couldnt really answer me because he didnt know
but he 'hopes' that he wants to stay with me
i dont understand why he's doing this then.
his therapist also told him to dump me cause then he'd be a lot less anxious, THEN when she said it he said "hell no i love her"
but when it sunk in (im guessing) he thought it was a great idea
now what might happen is ill have to go to iceland this summer instaed of him coming here and letting me go to school this year ill have to go there and hope that i can get a student visa or a job there in order to stay more than 3 months so we can have a future
this really is killing me
especially since its making me so miserable i spent the night drinking and smoking pot with Jena at mom's new house
and for anyone who's known me for more than a day knows that this is something that im pretty against.
i really miss him right now. i dont want to lose him and im terrified im going to call him in the morning and he's going to say "yeah nevermind. i dont want to be with you anymore. ps i love you lets stay friends"
the depressing part is that the anxious side of myself is already making plans for what i would do i that happened
im pretty drunk right now still and its 2 am. i want to go home to my own bed and my regular computer
im also having a really hard time keeping myself from crying constantly