breathe me in, i'm yours to keep
breathe me in, i'm yours to keep
bffs!myungsoo/sungyeol, sungjong/myungsoo, sungjong/sungyeol
6006 words
So Myungsoo is back here, ready to face the ghosts of his past.
breathe me in, i'm yours to keep
my empty heart is waiting for you
the deleted spot is telling me to go far away
no matter how much i wait, i can’t see you anymore
- break down (beast)
"So," the almost-stranger says. "It took you long enough."
Myungsoo nods, throat tightening a little. It's been a long time - time spent practicing until the first traces of dawn, dancing until his legs threaten to give out under him, and chasing his dreams. So much time has passed while Myungsoo was off on his little expedition to reach for his stars, and he wonders if coming back here now, after so long, is a little too late.
If anything, it's because he's sick of being plagued by the strangest dreams - dreams of half-forgotten memories so sudden, so strong that Myungsoo feels like he's being drowned by the reality of it all. He always jolts awake with a warm touch burning along the soft skin of his inner arm, as if there is someone there sitting next to him telling him don't forget me, I'm here.
So Myungsoo is back here, ready to face the ghosts of his past.
Sungyeol tilts his head to the side. "You came back for him," he says, soft but clear. It's a statement, not a question, because really, why else would Myungsoo throw away his career and return to his hometown?
Myungsoo shrugs. He came back because of the dreams, because of the dreams of him, so he supposes it's true. "Where is he?"
Sungyeol's mouth tightens into a thin line. "He's not here right now," he says stiffly, tension writing itself along the line of his jaw. He's older now, less lanky, more of a man than a boy, and Myungsoo's heart shrivels a little in his chest - he's missed out on so, so much.
"Okay," Myungsoo says, trying not to sound as awkward as he feels. "I'll just wait for him, then?"
Sungyeol turns away. "Whatever you want," he says, walking off abruptly. Myungsoo blinks, then follows.
They go on like this for a while, zigzagging through the field of flowers. When Myungsoo had left, this had been a field of sunflowers, but now the yellow has vanished, replaced by the soft blue of forget-me-nots, Myungsoo thinks they're called. They're beautiful, but Myungsoo has always had a soft spot for sunflowers, for some strange reason.
Sungyeol stops halfway, and Myungsoo nearly bumps into him. "You don't have anywhere to stay at, right?" Sungyeol wants to know.
Myungsoo shakes his head. "I just got here."
Sungyeol doesn't say anything in reply, just continues walking again. Myungsoo wonders if Sungyeol had always been so curt, so distant, and the memories had just gotten diluted with time, or if it's simply a mixture of hurt and betrayal from Myungsoo's departure, more than five years ago. Myungsoo doesn't ask, though - he isn't sure he wants to know the answer.
Myungsoo follows Sungyeol out of the field and into a house. "You can stay here for the time being," Sungyeol says, flicking the light switch. The room is swathed in a warm yellow glow, and Myungsoo ducks his head as he moves to sit on the lower bunk of the double-decker bed.
"Is this your house?" Myungsoo asks, attempting to make conversation.
Something flashes in Sungyeol's eyes, like the momentary explosion of a light bulb, then it goes out. "Mine and Sungjong's," he says, then leaves the room.
Oh, Myungsoo thinks. He should have expected it - Myungsoo isn't stupid, after all, and throughout their teenage years, he's always noticed the careful distance Sungyeol has kept from Sungjong, as if to keep himself away from the inevitable fall.
Sungyeol's reappearance knocks Myungsoo out of his thoughts. "Do you want to go get dinner?" He wants to know, bracing a hand against the frame of the door.
Myungsoo nods. "I guess," he says. Sungyeol disappears again, and Myungsoo takes it as a sign that he should follow after him, so he gets up and leaves the room as well. He wonders when Sungjong is going to come back, wonders how long more he'll have to put up with Sungyeol's unnerving coolness, wonders if things will right themselves again if he apologizes.
They thread through the field of flowers again. On the way, Myungsoo reaches out to brush his fingers against the soft petals, and watches Sungyeol turn around to face him. "Don't," Sungyeol says.
They stay there like this for a while, Sungyeol with raw unhappiness emanating from him, Myungsoo with his hand hovering over the flowers. The sun is setting, staining everything in Myungsoo's vision orange. Finally, Myungsoo withdraws his hand back to his side. Sungyeol doesn't say anything, just turns back and starts walking again.
Myungsoo follows, increasing his pace until he's walking next to Sungyeol, two boys-almost-men side by side in a skinny path along a field of forget-me-nots. "Why?"
"You don't have to know," Sungyeol says. Myungsoo falls silent. They don't speak to each other again for the rest of the evening.
-
Sungyeol turns the light off, then climbs up to settle himself in the bunk above Myungsoo's. Myungsoo wants to ask him where Sungjong is, when he's coming back, if the bed Myungsoo is sleeping in belongs to Sungjong. Myungsoo wants answers.
But Myungsoo doesn't want to be the one breaking the tense silence, either, so he just pulls the blankets tighter around himself and turns to face the wall. He falls asleep to the sound of Sungyeol's breathing, and dreams even more vividly than before.
-
They're still not talking to each other when they leave for breakfast. Myungsoo is accosted along the way by old ladies gushing over how handsome he looks in real life, and he just offers a polite smile and hurries to catch up with Sungyeol, who doesn't bother waiting for him.
Sungyeol enters a coffee shop and Myungsoo follows. It seems like the only interaction they've had so far - Sungyeol walking with the ease and familiarity of threading through a town you've known all your life, while Myungsoo trails along behind. It's not uncomfortable, exactly, since Myungsoo's used to following things - schedules, managers, laughter - but it's still a little strange, since back when they were teenagers, it was Myungsoo who'd led while Sungyeol followed.
But then again, things have changed. Sungyeol's older and far wiser than Myungsoo is, even though Myungsoo's the one who's been exposed to the harsh realities of the world. While Myungsoo was off being groomed to become a star, Sungyeol's been taking care of the people around him, and the realization of their distance unnerves Myungsoo.
They're eating halfway when Sungyeol's face suddenly splits into a grin, and Myungsoo blinks. It's the first time Sungyeol has smiled since the past eighteen hours or so, and the effect is extraordinary, lighting up Sungyeol's eyes and making him seem less hard to reach, more like the Sungyeol Myungsoo has known all his life.
Then Myungsoo realizes that Sungyeol is smiling at something or someone behind him, so he turns his head to try and see the reason for Sungyeol's obvious delight. And then Myungsoo's spoon clatters onto the floor as the reason smiles at him and says, "You're back?"
"Woohyun-hyung," Myungsoo breathes, and Woohyun half-laughs, coming over to slide into the empty seat next to Myungsoo.
"Hi, hyung," Sungyeol says, his smile dimming a little. He gestures at the dishes on the table with his chopsticks. "The dduk is nicer today, for some reason."
Woohyun grins. "Special recipe," he whispers theatrically, and both Sungyeol and Myungsoo laugh at the same time. Then there's a tense beat of silence as Sungyeol stops laughing abruptly, smile totally fading off his face, and Myungsoo just stares down at his plate.
"How's life?" Woohyun wants to know, and Myungsoo glances up. "You took some time off, right? Why so sudden?"
Myungsoo bites his lower lip. "I got tired," he offers. It's true, even if it isn't the main reason, and Woohyun nods understandingly. Sungyeol merely raises an eyebrow, turning back to his food.
"Has Sungyeol told you?" Woohyun asks. Myungsoo shakes his head, confused, then nearly jumps out of his seat when Sungyeol abruptly snaps his head up, eyes narrowed.
"I don't have to tell him anything," Sungyeol says through clenched teeth.
"What?" Myungsoo asks, defensive. "Why can't you let me know?"
Woohyun regards Sungyeol in thoughtful silence for a while, Sungyeol meeting his gaze with strength and determination. Myungsoo watches the entire exchange, hoping for an answer, but Woohyun sighs and nods. "It's your choice," Woohyun tells Sungyeol.
"What choice? I want to know," Myungsoo says. He knows he sounds like a bratty five-year-old, but he's always been particularly annoyed whenever people blatantly hide things away from him. Myungsoo likes answers.
Sungyeol casts him a slightly contemptuous look. "You'll find out one day."
Myungsoo doesn't like the sound of that, but he doesn't want to start an argument with Sungyeol either. He sighs, bending over to curl fingers around the spoon he'd dropped just now, then sets it on the table.
"I'll get you another one," Woohyun tells him, getting up. Myungsoo wants to protest, wants to tell him that it's alright, it's not like he has much of an appetite left anyway, but Woohyun is back in a second or two, handing him a new spoon. "Sungyeol, don't you have to get to work, anyway?"
"It's a school holiday," Sungyeol explains, finishing the last of his food. He looks over at Myungsoo. "Are you done?"
"Yeah," Myungsoo says. He's barely touched his food, but he's really not hungry anymore - it's as if his stomach has been filled just by all the unanswered questions, churning around and eating at him.
They leave after that, Myungsoo readily agreeing to Woohyun's invitation to drop by any time to catch up on all the years they've missed out on each other's lives. Sungyeol's mouth curls a little as he starts walking, and Myungsoo quickly waves at Woohyun and following after Sungyeol.
They go on in silence for a while, and then Myungsoo nearly bumps into Sungyeol when he stops. Myungsoo blinks, confused, then watches as Sungyeol pushes a door open and slips into the convenience store. The door shuts. Myungsoo sighs, then troops in as well.
The cashier greets Sungyeol by his name, smiles, then blinks at Myungsoo bemusedly. Myungsoo offers her a tiny smile when he sees her eyes ignite with recognition, then catches up to Sungyeol again, who is walking down the toiletries aisle. Sungyeol grabs bottles of shampoo, conditioner, facial foam and slides them into the basket he's holding, and Myungsoo finds himself smiling a little.
Sungyeol heads for the cashier, plopping the basket down on the counter. Myungsoo stands beside him, glancing around at the tiny convenience store - it hadn't been here back when he'd left. Then Myungsoo reaches over to pluck a tin of mints off the rack and tosses it lightly into the basket of stuff. Sungyeol gives him a look.
"I'll pay for it," Myungsoo says defensively, sticking a hand into his jeans pocket and coming up with nothing. He flushes a little, feeling the heat creep up from his neck and into his cheeks. "I forgot to bring my wallet."
The cashier's bagged everything already, and Sungyeol doesn't say anything as he pays and curls his fingers around the plastic bags. Then they're out of the store and into the open again, Myungsoo feeling even more self-conscious as he keeps in step with Sungyeol. "I'll pay you back when we get back," he tries, but Sungyeol just shrugs.
It's less strange than yesterday - Myungsoo's gotten used to Sungyeol's lack of conversation somehow, although the Sungyeol he's always known had been a chatterbox. He remembers mornings spent drifting off in school because Sungyeol had kept him up the previous night by gossiping with him over the phone, remembers how Sungyeol had been the one to strike up a conversation for the first time because Myungsoo's always been the more reserved one, less inclined towards small talk and making friends.
Myungsoo wonders what happened during the five or six years he'd missed out on, if Sungyeol's sullenness has something do with a certain boy named Lee Sungjong, or if things have simply changed and Sungyeol has grown up into someone Myungsoo no longer knows or understands. Myungsoo wonders if Sungyeol is angry with him.
"Hey," Myungsoo says. Sungyeol continues walking beside him, but Myungsoo can tell by the careful set of the expression on his face that's listening. Maybe some things haven't changed, after all. Maybe deep down inside, past the cool, hard exterior, Sungyeol is still the same. "Sungyeol?"
"What?"
Myungsoo tries to pick his words carefully. "Did anything big happen while I was gone?"
There's a shift in the air between them, along with the slight shimmer of Sungyeol's gaze. "No," Sungyeol says, obstinate. "Nothing happened."
Myungsoo doesn't press the issue, and Sungyeol doesn't tell him the truth. Maybe some things are better off left in the realms of the unknown.
-
Dongwoo calls him that night, and Myungsoo can tell that he's worried, if not unhappy. "What are you doing there?"
"Sorry, hyung," Myungsoo says. He's sitting outside Sungyeol's house staring out at the darkened sea of flowers in front of him, the stars sprinkled across the sky, low and heavy. "I don't know how long more I'll have to take."
Dongwoo's sigh is jarring as it crackles over the web of phone lines connecting the two of them. "Myungsoo, you know how things are. You can't just leave like this, without an explanation to your fans, the public - people are going to start coming up with rumors, speculations..."
"I know," Myungsoo says. He does know - he isn't saying it just to placate his manager. He understands that in the entertainment industry, disappearing for half a year without preparations for a new album as an excuse means a loss of fans, a drop in popularity, groundless rumors taking seed in people's minds, but it's taken more than five years for him to realize that some things - some people - are far more important than his dreams.
"I'll give you ten days," Dongwoo says finally. "No more bargaining."
Myungsoo exhales. He knows he's pushing it, but until now, he's had no news of Sungjong at all - where he is, when he'll be returning. What if he doesn't come back in ten days? Myungsoo's gone this far already, and he doesn't want to go back empty-handed, all the words he hadn't gotten to say bitter on the tip of his tongue.
"Okay," he says. He'll simply ask Dongwoo for more time if he needs to, and there wasn't a need to worry his manager at this point. "Ten days."
"If you don't come back, I'm going there to haul you back to Seoul," Dongwoo warns.
Myungsoo half-laughs. "Fine."
"You're still waiting for him?"
"I am," Myungsoo confirms. A breeze sweeps over the field of flowers, making them ripple and dance under the night sky. "As long as it takes."
"So ten days is a lie?"
Myungsoo grins, doesn't answer.
-
"You're nervous," Myungsoo says, a smile tugging at the edges of his mouth.
"I'm not," Sungjong retorts, affronted, but he's fiddling with his hair and bouncing at the edge of his seat.
Myungsoo laughs, reaches out to tuck the stray strand of hair behind Sungjong's ear. "Relax," he tells the younger boy. "You'll be okay, really."
"Nah," someone says from behind them, and Myungsoo turns around to see Sungyeol standing there, grinning from ear to ear. "You're going to be awesome."
Myungsoo nods in agreement, and Sungyeol comes over to pat Sungjong's shoulder, who smiles up at him.
"We'll cheer for you," Myungsoo adds. Sungyeol fans his fingers out to give Myungsoo a high-five, and Sungjong slumps into his chair, reassured.
Later, when Sungjong dances his heart out on stage, Myungsoo and Sungyeol keep their promise. It turns out they hadn't needed to, though - Sungjong's performance of Tell Me earns screams and cheers so loud Myungsoo's eardrums vibrate, and the two of them turn to each other with identical beams glimmering across their faces, equally proud of the stick-skinny boy standing on stage holding onto both their hearts.
-
Today Myungsoo jolts awake to the sound of jangling keys, and he staggers out of bed just in time to watch the door close behind Sungyeol. He tugs it open, and Sungyeol stares at him.
"Where are you going?" Myungsoo wants to know.
"I have to work," Sungyeol says, his sentence unfinished. Unlike you.
Myungsoo scratches his elbow, self-conscious in his T-shirt and boxers. "Oh," he says. "Have a nice day, then."
Sungyeol doesn't bother to gift him with a reply, just turns on his heel and walks off. He looks startlingly presentable in pants and a collared shirt, although it's still strange to think of Sungyeol as a teacher. Myungsoo waits until he disappears into the field of flowers, then shuts the door.
He decides to take a shower first, so he heads into the bathroom. He's halfway through peeling off his shirt when he notices the array of new toiletries Sungyeol had bought the day before gathered in a corner next to the sink, obviously meant for Myungsoo.
Myungsoo grabs them all, then goes into the shower stall and turns the water on, letting it run over the tense muscles of his neck and shoulders. Somehow, the tune of Tell Me is stuck in his head, and he thinks of the roar of the crowd and smiles as bright as fireflies.
-
Myungsoo's gotten bored - it's half past five and the only thing on TV is some soap filled with terrible acting, so he decides to explore the place. Maybe he could find some clue as to where Sungjong has gone - this was his house too, after all, maybe he'd left something behind?
He goes back into the bedroom, sitting on Sungjong's bed and glancing around. He wonders if Sungjong's been gone for a long time - his scent still lingers, barely there, clinging onto Myungsoo's skin like cool fingers trying to get under his skin. Then Myungsoo spots a photograph tacked onto the wall, so he goes over to take a closer look.
It's a photograph of Sungjong and Sungyeol, arms wrapped around each other's shoulders, grinning with identical sparks in their eyes. Myungsoo plucks it off the wall, flipping the photograph so he can see the words scrawled across the back - graduation day.
Oh. Myungsoo remembers that day, remembers hesitating, fingers hovering over the keypad of his phone, wondering if he should call and offer his congratulations. And then the music had started pounding out from the speakers again, signalling the start of afternoon rehearsals, and the moment had been gone, lost in time forever.
If he hadn't left, he'd be in that picture. Myungsoo runs his fingers between Sungjong and Sungyeol, as if as long as he tries hard enough, he can break the lock of their grip and fit himself between them and into the picture as well. Somehow, the two of them look perfect, whole - as if a Kim Myungsoo had never existed in their lives.
Myungsoo presses the photo back against the wall, so hard his fingers leave a slight dent in it. He turns, ready to leave the room full of memories built without him, when an envelope catches his eye and he freezes. There's no address written on it, just Sungjong's name, and Myungsoo hesitates before he slides the sheet of paper out.
Sungyeol's handwriting hasn't changed. Myungsoo scans the letter, his name jumping out at him - Myungsoo's here, Sungjong-ah, are you happy? Are you sad? Do you want to come back to see him again? Myungsoo swallows when he reaches the end: I love you, I miss you. Come back soon.
He tucks the letter back into the envelope, flipping it around in search for an address, a hint as to where Sungjong might be, but comes up with nothing. Myungsoo sets the letter back onto the table at the exact spot where he found it, feeling strangely empty inside.
-
"You're buying dinner back for him?" Woohyun wants to know.
Sungyeol takes the plastic bag filled with packed-up food from Woohyun's hands. "Yeah," he says. "Who else?"
Woohyun regards him with eyes filled with something akin to sympathy. "Sungyeol-ah," he says. "You're really not going to tell him?"
Sungyeol feels the corners of his mouth turning downwards almost automatically. Sungjong used to tell him to turn his frowns upside-down back into a smile, but Sungjong isn't here anymore, so Sungyeol doesn't bother faking a grin. There's no point, anyway, not when Woohyun has always been able to read him like a book.
"Why should he know," Sungyeol says, resentful. "He's walked out of our lives for five years now - what makes him think he can just come back like this and we'll accept him with open arms?"
"But still," Woohyun says. "You're holding him back for nothing."
Sungyeol grips the bag tighter. "Sungjong isn't nothing," he points out.
Woohyun reaches out to touch his shoulder, but Sungyeol steps out of his reach. "Bye, hyung," he calls over his shoulder before heading back to the place he can no longer call home, not when Sungjong isn't there anymore.
-
He used to be able to call this boy his best friend, Sungyeol muses as he watches Myungsoo pick at his dinner. This boy who looks like he's aged tremendously, like his clock is running on a different speed as Sungyeol's life. He's missed out on so much, Sungyeol thinks. And he knows it as well.
In fact, that was probably why he'd decided to come back anyway, after not talking to them for five years. Myungsoo glances up, as if he's able to tell Sungyeol is thinking about him, and Sungyeol quickly averts his gaze.
"I'm done," Myungsoo announces, taking his plate to the kitchen. Sungyeol hears the sound of the water running, and lets a smile take over his face. Too bad you're still too late.
-
"Why did you come back?" Sungjong wants to know.
It's a dream, Myungsoo knows it is, but he still fumbles for the correct words to press into the space between them, to bridge the distance and light up Sungjong's face again. "For you," Myungsoo says, a teenager desperate to impress once again. Except that it's the truth, it's the whole truth and nothing but the truth - why else would he come back to this town that holds no other meaning for him?
Sungjong smiles, just a little, but it doesn't touch his eyes. "It took five years for you to realise that you needed me?"
It stings (but it's a dream it's a dream it's a dream). Myungsoo takes a step forward. "I'm sorry," he tries, unsure of what else he can do or say to make everything right again. The scenery changes, and they're standing in the field of flowers, only this time they're sunflowers, just like five years ago.
"I waited for you," Sungjong tells him. He bends down, disappearing into the tall green stems of the flowers, and Myungsoo feels his heart squeeze tight in his chest. He's about to call Sungjong's name when he reappears again, straightening up. The sunflowers around him are collapsing into themselves, changing and writhing, and Myungsoo stares as they morph into forget-me-nots, spreading across the whole sea until no more yellow is left, just a soft, haunting blue.
"I know," Myungsoo answers, glancing back at Sungjong, but he's gone, leaving Myungsoo standing alone in an ocean of forget-me-nots.
Then Myungsoo starts laughing, for some unknown reason, and he wakes up with tears dampening his cheeks and regret salty and tangible in his mouth.
-
"Where is he?"
Sungyeol turns, looks at Myungsoo who is wearing a look of utter despair on his face. For a moment, Sungyeol considers telling him the truth, but decides that he'd rather see Myungsoo wallow in self-pity and misery for a while more.
"I told you, he's not here right now."
"But where?" Myungsoo presses, and Sungyeol feels a spark of rage coil in the bottom of his stomach, flaming and burning into something bigger, brighter.
"You don't need to know," Sungyeol says shortly. "Now move, I'm going to be late for work."
Myungsoo doesn't budge, though, so Sungyeol pushes past him and opens the door. "Please," he hears Myungsoo say behind him, and Sungyeol almost pauses, almost crumbles, but the forget-me-nots are staining his vision, reminding him of all the reasons he should hate this boy, and so Sungyeol continues walking and walking.
-
It's the tenth day. Myungsoo almost wants to hide inside and refuse to answer the doorbell, but he knows Dongwoo will probably just camp outside until Sungyeol returns and opens the door, so he sighs and trudges out to greet his manager.
"Hyung," Myungsoo begins, tugging the door open, but his sentence trails off when he realizes that it isn't Dongwoo standing there in front of him. He blinks. "Sunggyu-hyung?"
Sunggyu looks equally stunned. "Myungsoo, right?"
Myungsoo nods, still staring. He can still see traces of the boy inside Sunggyu, the one whom they'd all wanted as their older brother, but had taken a liking to Sungjong instead. They hadn't minded, though - Sungjong deserved the best. He can remember Sunggyu taking Sungjong's hand, can remember himself standing up to the older boy, choking out please take good care of him, can remember Sunggyu's determination as he nodded and said I promise.
He'd thought he wouldn't be able to see Sungjong for the rest of his life, but then Sungyeol's family had adopted him, and they'd wound up in the same small town, growing up together. Fate worked in the strangest ways sometimes.
"Sungyeol's still at work?"
Myungsoo startles out of his thoughts. "Yeah," he answers, opening the door wider. "Do you want to come in?"
Sunggyu nods, Myungsoo stepping out of the way to let him in, then shutting the door behind him. Sunggyu sits down on the couch, and Myungsoo goes into the kitchen to pour a glass of water, handing it to Sungjong's adoptive brother, who smiles and thanks him.
"It's been ages," Sunggyu says. "What brings you back here?"
Myungsoo shrugs. "Sungjong," he says. He hopes that's enough to serve as an explanation, because he's still unsure of how to put his thoughts into words.
Sunggyu nods understandingly. "I came here to see if Sungyeol was going to go as well. But since he's gone to work, I suppose you guys are going over at night?"
"Go where?" Myungsoo asks, confused.
Then there's the sound of a key turning in the lock, and they both turn to watch as Sungyeol enters. Sungyeol blinks, then a smile startles its way across his face, bright and beautiful. "Sunggyu-hyung!"
"Hey, Sungyeol," Sunggyu says, standing up. Sungyeol darts over, curling slim fingers around Sunggyu's arm, and Myungsoo feels a pang in his chest.
When Sungyeol's family had adopted him, he'd thought he was going to finally get a brother, but Sungyeol had looked at him with eyes too bright for someone his age and said he wanted to be best friends instead. Myungsoo had agreed, of course, eager to please, which is how they'd ended up being best friends instead of adoptive siblings.
They'd hung out with Sungjong so often Sunggyu had practically adopted the two of them as his younger brothers as well, and Myungsoo was more than okay with that - he'd taken a liking to Sunggyu right from the start, anyway. But there were times when he woke up from nightmares and wanted an older brother there with him to chase away his fears, instead of a best friend snoring as loud as a steam engine next to him.
"You wanted to go together?" Sungyeol asks.
Sunggyu nods. "Since you're here, do you want to go now?"
"Sure," Sungyeol agrees readily, already heading for the door. "You brought your car, right?"
Myungsoo is still uncertain, still unsure, so he hovers behind Sunggyu, wishing for things to sort themselves out in his head. "Where are you guys going?"
Myungsoo watches as Sungyeol freezes, hand unmoving on the doorknob. Sunggyu's eyebrows are knitted together. "Today is -"
"Sunggyu-hyung," Sungyeol says, cutting Sunggyu off. His face is a cool mask, but something large and unreadable is stirring in the depths of his eyes. "He's not coming."
Sunggyu looks as confused as Myungsoo feels, albeit for a different reason. "Why not?"
Sungyeol squeezes his eyes shut, and he looks so troubled Myungsoo almost feels like saying forget it, don't tell me, just stop looking so upset, please, but then his eyes snap open again and his mouth is pulled into a thin, straight line and this is an ice-cold stranger whom Myungsoo doesn't know, not anymore. "He doesn't deserve to know," Sungyeol spits out, and Myungsoo reels back, stung.
Sunggyu's bemusement vanishes, and he moves forward, gripping Sungyeol's wrist. "Sungyeol-ah," he begins softly.
Sungyeol is trembling, and Sunggyu is speaking so silently Myungsoo cannot hear a thing, and he shifts uneasily, unhappy to be the only one left out again. He knows there's something big, something awful and large and looming behind him, and he wants to know what it is before it rips him up and devours him whole.
Myungsoo watches as Sungyeol shakes his head once, twice, watches as Sunggyu tightens his grip, whispering even more fervently. Sungyeol's always been ridiculously obstinate, and if it's the only thing Myungsoo has in common with his adoptive brother it's that they're both equally stubborn, and he remembers Sungyeol's mother laughing about it once.
Now he wishes Sungyeol would just back down for once. He's sick of this, sick of not knowing a thing, sick of waiting, and the realization of this makes his head spin and stomach churn because he cannot imagine how Sungjong had waited for him for five years. Was this retribution?
"I'll tell him tomorrow," he hears Sungyeol say, sounding close too tears. "Just please, not today, hyung, okay?"
They stay in silence like this for a while - Myungsoo staring at the two of them, Sunggyu turning the suggestion over his mind, Sungyeol radiating determination. Then Sunggyu nods and Myungsoo's heart falls.
Sunggyu throws Myungsoo an apologetic look, and Myungsoo is about to protest, to plead and beg for them to just tell him something, but then they're gone, disappearing out of the door with a click of finality.
Myungsoo sinks down into the couch, staying in the same position until it's past midnight. The tenth day morphs into the eleventh, and Dongwoo doesn't come to drag him back to Seoul and into his old life. Myungsoo feels oddly disappointed.
-
"Why won't they tell me anything?"
Sungjong smooths his fingers down the side of Myungsoo's face, running them along the line of his jaw. "I don't think you want to know the answer."
Myungsoo shuts his eyes. "I do," he insists. "Why wouldn't I not want to know?"
"Sometimes," Sungjong says. "You need to let go before you can see the truth."
"Let go of what?" Myungsoo demands. He knows he's being pushy and irritable, but he's sick of being kept in the dark.
Sungjong's lips are cool when they're pressed against Myungsoo's cheek. "Me," he breathes into the shell of Myungsoo's ear, and Myungsoo jolts awake, suddenly utterly aware of the truth.
-
It all makes sense now: Sungyeol's silence, the way he'd looked when Myungsoo had stooped over to touch the forget-me-nots, the letter with no address. The dreams.
Myungsoo opens the door, stepping out barefoot. He walks and walks until he's in the center of the sea of flowers, sitting down on the soil and breathing in the tangy scent of the forget-me-nots surrounding him.
He doesn't know how long he's stayed in that position until a shadow hovers over him, and he glances up, shielding his eyes from the sun.
"Every type of flower has a message," Sungyeol says. His eyes are red-rimmed, his voice raw and scratched, and Myungsoo wonders how long he'd been crying for. "Do you know what forget-me-nots mean?"
Myungsoo's heart twists a little in the web of his ribs. "Don't forget me?"
"Well, yeah," Sungyeol allows. "But it also means enduring love." He looks down at Myungsoo, and this time there's no more anger or resentment brimming in his eyes, just pure, throbbing grief. "He planted them, you know. Said that he'd go over to Seoul and bring you here the first time they bloomed. But he never go to see it." He smiles wryly, eyes running over Myungsoo almost accusatorily. "At least you did, so I guess he'll be happy."
Myungsoo crawls to his feet. It's hard - he's dizzy with anticipation for the truth that is to come, but he manages to stagger upwards into a standing position. Sungyeol doesn't avert his gaze, not anymore, and Myungsoo feels like telling him that he knows, he already knows, he just doesn't know the full story, but the words are stuck in his throat and all that comes out is a strangled noise.
"He watched you all the time," Sungyeol says, and Myungsoo feels like he's breaking apart physically, crumbling and disintegrating until he is indistinguishable from the soil beneath him. "He never stopped waiting for you to come back, never stopped waiting for a call, never stopped waiting for anything that would tell him that you still remembered him."
Fuck, Myungsoo thinks, and he's not quite sure if it's tears that are blurring his vision or something else altogether. "It was a year ago," Sungyeol says, surging on, the words like a tsunami threatening to pull Myungsoo under, and he has the urge to clamp his hands over his ears and block it out - Sungjong was right, of course, he always was (had been), Myungsoo didn't want to know the answer after all, not when it all came down to this.
"A year and a day, to be exact - you came at just the right time, do you know?" The warmth is spilling down Myungsoo's cheeks and he had guessed right, they were tears after all. "If you'd just come three hundred and sixty-six days earlier," Sungyeol is choking out, and Myungsoo isn't sure if Sungyeol is crying as well, but it sounds like he is. "If you'd come back three hundred and sixty-six days ago -"
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, Myungsoo thinks, and sinks down to press his palms against the ground.
-
"I didn't ask him," Myungsoo says. "I didn't ask him how you died."
A smile ghosts across Sungjong's face. "Are you planning on asking me?"
"No," Myungsoo says, matter-of-fact. "I decided I don't want to know."
Sungjong half-laughs. "That's okay," he says. "I just wanted you to miss me."
"You're not going to leave, are you? Now that I know?" Myungsoo asks, anxious.
Sungjong's eyes are crinkled up, and he reaches out to hold Myungsoo's hand, so cool it almost jolts Myungsoo awake. "I'll think about it," he says, and smiles.
-
Sungyeol tries not to let his jealousy show when Myungsoo explains the dreams to him. He's used to it, anyway - right from the start, Sungjong's always been incredibly biased towards Myungsoo. It's nice to know that Sungjong hasn't changed, even in the afterlife, although Sungyeol wishes he could just see Sungjong one more time.
"Next time," Sungyeol finds himself saying. "Tell him I miss him, won't you? For me?"
Myungsoo looks at him for a moment, then reaches out to hold Sungyeol's hand, warm and kind and familiar. "I'll think about it," he says, and smiles.
bffs!myungsoo/sungyeol, sungjong/myungsoo, sungjong/sungyeol
6006 words
So Myungsoo is back here, ready to face the ghosts of his past.
breathe me in, i'm yours to keep
my empty heart is waiting for you
the deleted spot is telling me to go far away
no matter how much i wait, i can’t see you anymore
- break down (beast)
"So," the almost-stranger says. "It took you long enough."
Myungsoo nods, throat tightening a little. It's been a long time - time spent practicing until the first traces of dawn, dancing until his legs threaten to give out under him, and chasing his dreams. So much time has passed while Myungsoo was off on his little expedition to reach for his stars, and he wonders if coming back here now, after so long, is a little too late.
If anything, it's because he's sick of being plagued by the strangest dreams - dreams of half-forgotten memories so sudden, so strong that Myungsoo feels like he's being drowned by the reality of it all. He always jolts awake with a warm touch burning along the soft skin of his inner arm, as if there is someone there sitting next to him telling him don't forget me, I'm here.
So Myungsoo is back here, ready to face the ghosts of his past.
Sungyeol tilts his head to the side. "You came back for him," he says, soft but clear. It's a statement, not a question, because really, why else would Myungsoo throw away his career and return to his hometown?
Myungsoo shrugs. He came back because of the dreams, because of the dreams of him, so he supposes it's true. "Where is he?"
Sungyeol's mouth tightens into a thin line. "He's not here right now," he says stiffly, tension writing itself along the line of his jaw. He's older now, less lanky, more of a man than a boy, and Myungsoo's heart shrivels a little in his chest - he's missed out on so, so much.
"Okay," Myungsoo says, trying not to sound as awkward as he feels. "I'll just wait for him, then?"
Sungyeol turns away. "Whatever you want," he says, walking off abruptly. Myungsoo blinks, then follows.
They go on like this for a while, zigzagging through the field of flowers. When Myungsoo had left, this had been a field of sunflowers, but now the yellow has vanished, replaced by the soft blue of forget-me-nots, Myungsoo thinks they're called. They're beautiful, but Myungsoo has always had a soft spot for sunflowers, for some strange reason.
Sungyeol stops halfway, and Myungsoo nearly bumps into him. "You don't have anywhere to stay at, right?" Sungyeol wants to know.
Myungsoo shakes his head. "I just got here."
Sungyeol doesn't say anything in reply, just continues walking again. Myungsoo wonders if Sungyeol had always been so curt, so distant, and the memories had just gotten diluted with time, or if it's simply a mixture of hurt and betrayal from Myungsoo's departure, more than five years ago. Myungsoo doesn't ask, though - he isn't sure he wants to know the answer.
Myungsoo follows Sungyeol out of the field and into a house. "You can stay here for the time being," Sungyeol says, flicking the light switch. The room is swathed in a warm yellow glow, and Myungsoo ducks his head as he moves to sit on the lower bunk of the double-decker bed.
"Is this your house?" Myungsoo asks, attempting to make conversation.
Something flashes in Sungyeol's eyes, like the momentary explosion of a light bulb, then it goes out. "Mine and Sungjong's," he says, then leaves the room.
Oh, Myungsoo thinks. He should have expected it - Myungsoo isn't stupid, after all, and throughout their teenage years, he's always noticed the careful distance Sungyeol has kept from Sungjong, as if to keep himself away from the inevitable fall.
Sungyeol's reappearance knocks Myungsoo out of his thoughts. "Do you want to go get dinner?" He wants to know, bracing a hand against the frame of the door.
Myungsoo nods. "I guess," he says. Sungyeol disappears again, and Myungsoo takes it as a sign that he should follow after him, so he gets up and leaves the room as well. He wonders when Sungjong is going to come back, wonders how long more he'll have to put up with Sungyeol's unnerving coolness, wonders if things will right themselves again if he apologizes.
They thread through the field of flowers again. On the way, Myungsoo reaches out to brush his fingers against the soft petals, and watches Sungyeol turn around to face him. "Don't," Sungyeol says.
They stay there like this for a while, Sungyeol with raw unhappiness emanating from him, Myungsoo with his hand hovering over the flowers. The sun is setting, staining everything in Myungsoo's vision orange. Finally, Myungsoo withdraws his hand back to his side. Sungyeol doesn't say anything, just turns back and starts walking again.
Myungsoo follows, increasing his pace until he's walking next to Sungyeol, two boys-almost-men side by side in a skinny path along a field of forget-me-nots. "Why?"
"You don't have to know," Sungyeol says. Myungsoo falls silent. They don't speak to each other again for the rest of the evening.
-
Sungyeol turns the light off, then climbs up to settle himself in the bunk above Myungsoo's. Myungsoo wants to ask him where Sungjong is, when he's coming back, if the bed Myungsoo is sleeping in belongs to Sungjong. Myungsoo wants answers.
But Myungsoo doesn't want to be the one breaking the tense silence, either, so he just pulls the blankets tighter around himself and turns to face the wall. He falls asleep to the sound of Sungyeol's breathing, and dreams even more vividly than before.
-
They're still not talking to each other when they leave for breakfast. Myungsoo is accosted along the way by old ladies gushing over how handsome he looks in real life, and he just offers a polite smile and hurries to catch up with Sungyeol, who doesn't bother waiting for him.
Sungyeol enters a coffee shop and Myungsoo follows. It seems like the only interaction they've had so far - Sungyeol walking with the ease and familiarity of threading through a town you've known all your life, while Myungsoo trails along behind. It's not uncomfortable, exactly, since Myungsoo's used to following things - schedules, managers, laughter - but it's still a little strange, since back when they were teenagers, it was Myungsoo who'd led while Sungyeol followed.
But then again, things have changed. Sungyeol's older and far wiser than Myungsoo is, even though Myungsoo's the one who's been exposed to the harsh realities of the world. While Myungsoo was off being groomed to become a star, Sungyeol's been taking care of the people around him, and the realization of their distance unnerves Myungsoo.
They're eating halfway when Sungyeol's face suddenly splits into a grin, and Myungsoo blinks. It's the first time Sungyeol has smiled since the past eighteen hours or so, and the effect is extraordinary, lighting up Sungyeol's eyes and making him seem less hard to reach, more like the Sungyeol Myungsoo has known all his life.
Then Myungsoo realizes that Sungyeol is smiling at something or someone behind him, so he turns his head to try and see the reason for Sungyeol's obvious delight. And then Myungsoo's spoon clatters onto the floor as the reason smiles at him and says, "You're back?"
"Woohyun-hyung," Myungsoo breathes, and Woohyun half-laughs, coming over to slide into the empty seat next to Myungsoo.
"Hi, hyung," Sungyeol says, his smile dimming a little. He gestures at the dishes on the table with his chopsticks. "The dduk is nicer today, for some reason."
Woohyun grins. "Special recipe," he whispers theatrically, and both Sungyeol and Myungsoo laugh at the same time. Then there's a tense beat of silence as Sungyeol stops laughing abruptly, smile totally fading off his face, and Myungsoo just stares down at his plate.
"How's life?" Woohyun wants to know, and Myungsoo glances up. "You took some time off, right? Why so sudden?"
Myungsoo bites his lower lip. "I got tired," he offers. It's true, even if it isn't the main reason, and Woohyun nods understandingly. Sungyeol merely raises an eyebrow, turning back to his food.
"Has Sungyeol told you?" Woohyun asks. Myungsoo shakes his head, confused, then nearly jumps out of his seat when Sungyeol abruptly snaps his head up, eyes narrowed.
"I don't have to tell him anything," Sungyeol says through clenched teeth.
"What?" Myungsoo asks, defensive. "Why can't you let me know?"
Woohyun regards Sungyeol in thoughtful silence for a while, Sungyeol meeting his gaze with strength and determination. Myungsoo watches the entire exchange, hoping for an answer, but Woohyun sighs and nods. "It's your choice," Woohyun tells Sungyeol.
"What choice? I want to know," Myungsoo says. He knows he sounds like a bratty five-year-old, but he's always been particularly annoyed whenever people blatantly hide things away from him. Myungsoo likes answers.
Sungyeol casts him a slightly contemptuous look. "You'll find out one day."
Myungsoo doesn't like the sound of that, but he doesn't want to start an argument with Sungyeol either. He sighs, bending over to curl fingers around the spoon he'd dropped just now, then sets it on the table.
"I'll get you another one," Woohyun tells him, getting up. Myungsoo wants to protest, wants to tell him that it's alright, it's not like he has much of an appetite left anyway, but Woohyun is back in a second or two, handing him a new spoon. "Sungyeol, don't you have to get to work, anyway?"
"It's a school holiday," Sungyeol explains, finishing the last of his food. He looks over at Myungsoo. "Are you done?"
"Yeah," Myungsoo says. He's barely touched his food, but he's really not hungry anymore - it's as if his stomach has been filled just by all the unanswered questions, churning around and eating at him.
They leave after that, Myungsoo readily agreeing to Woohyun's invitation to drop by any time to catch up on all the years they've missed out on each other's lives. Sungyeol's mouth curls a little as he starts walking, and Myungsoo quickly waves at Woohyun and following after Sungyeol.
They go on in silence for a while, and then Myungsoo nearly bumps into Sungyeol when he stops. Myungsoo blinks, confused, then watches as Sungyeol pushes a door open and slips into the convenience store. The door shuts. Myungsoo sighs, then troops in as well.
The cashier greets Sungyeol by his name, smiles, then blinks at Myungsoo bemusedly. Myungsoo offers her a tiny smile when he sees her eyes ignite with recognition, then catches up to Sungyeol again, who is walking down the toiletries aisle. Sungyeol grabs bottles of shampoo, conditioner, facial foam and slides them into the basket he's holding, and Myungsoo finds himself smiling a little.
Sungyeol heads for the cashier, plopping the basket down on the counter. Myungsoo stands beside him, glancing around at the tiny convenience store - it hadn't been here back when he'd left. Then Myungsoo reaches over to pluck a tin of mints off the rack and tosses it lightly into the basket of stuff. Sungyeol gives him a look.
"I'll pay for it," Myungsoo says defensively, sticking a hand into his jeans pocket and coming up with nothing. He flushes a little, feeling the heat creep up from his neck and into his cheeks. "I forgot to bring my wallet."
The cashier's bagged everything already, and Sungyeol doesn't say anything as he pays and curls his fingers around the plastic bags. Then they're out of the store and into the open again, Myungsoo feeling even more self-conscious as he keeps in step with Sungyeol. "I'll pay you back when we get back," he tries, but Sungyeol just shrugs.
It's less strange than yesterday - Myungsoo's gotten used to Sungyeol's lack of conversation somehow, although the Sungyeol he's always known had been a chatterbox. He remembers mornings spent drifting off in school because Sungyeol had kept him up the previous night by gossiping with him over the phone, remembers how Sungyeol had been the one to strike up a conversation for the first time because Myungsoo's always been the more reserved one, less inclined towards small talk and making friends.
Myungsoo wonders what happened during the five or six years he'd missed out on, if Sungyeol's sullenness has something do with a certain boy named Lee Sungjong, or if things have simply changed and Sungyeol has grown up into someone Myungsoo no longer knows or understands. Myungsoo wonders if Sungyeol is angry with him.
"Hey," Myungsoo says. Sungyeol continues walking beside him, but Myungsoo can tell by the careful set of the expression on his face that's listening. Maybe some things haven't changed, after all. Maybe deep down inside, past the cool, hard exterior, Sungyeol is still the same. "Sungyeol?"
"What?"
Myungsoo tries to pick his words carefully. "Did anything big happen while I was gone?"
There's a shift in the air between them, along with the slight shimmer of Sungyeol's gaze. "No," Sungyeol says, obstinate. "Nothing happened."
Myungsoo doesn't press the issue, and Sungyeol doesn't tell him the truth. Maybe some things are better off left in the realms of the unknown.
-
Dongwoo calls him that night, and Myungsoo can tell that he's worried, if not unhappy. "What are you doing there?"
"Sorry, hyung," Myungsoo says. He's sitting outside Sungyeol's house staring out at the darkened sea of flowers in front of him, the stars sprinkled across the sky, low and heavy. "I don't know how long more I'll have to take."
Dongwoo's sigh is jarring as it crackles over the web of phone lines connecting the two of them. "Myungsoo, you know how things are. You can't just leave like this, without an explanation to your fans, the public - people are going to start coming up with rumors, speculations..."
"I know," Myungsoo says. He does know - he isn't saying it just to placate his manager. He understands that in the entertainment industry, disappearing for half a year without preparations for a new album as an excuse means a loss of fans, a drop in popularity, groundless rumors taking seed in people's minds, but it's taken more than five years for him to realize that some things - some people - are far more important than his dreams.
"I'll give you ten days," Dongwoo says finally. "No more bargaining."
Myungsoo exhales. He knows he's pushing it, but until now, he's had no news of Sungjong at all - where he is, when he'll be returning. What if he doesn't come back in ten days? Myungsoo's gone this far already, and he doesn't want to go back empty-handed, all the words he hadn't gotten to say bitter on the tip of his tongue.
"Okay," he says. He'll simply ask Dongwoo for more time if he needs to, and there wasn't a need to worry his manager at this point. "Ten days."
"If you don't come back, I'm going there to haul you back to Seoul," Dongwoo warns.
Myungsoo half-laughs. "Fine."
"You're still waiting for him?"
"I am," Myungsoo confirms. A breeze sweeps over the field of flowers, making them ripple and dance under the night sky. "As long as it takes."
"So ten days is a lie?"
Myungsoo grins, doesn't answer.
-
"You're nervous," Myungsoo says, a smile tugging at the edges of his mouth.
"I'm not," Sungjong retorts, affronted, but he's fiddling with his hair and bouncing at the edge of his seat.
Myungsoo laughs, reaches out to tuck the stray strand of hair behind Sungjong's ear. "Relax," he tells the younger boy. "You'll be okay, really."
"Nah," someone says from behind them, and Myungsoo turns around to see Sungyeol standing there, grinning from ear to ear. "You're going to be awesome."
Myungsoo nods in agreement, and Sungyeol comes over to pat Sungjong's shoulder, who smiles up at him.
"We'll cheer for you," Myungsoo adds. Sungyeol fans his fingers out to give Myungsoo a high-five, and Sungjong slumps into his chair, reassured.
Later, when Sungjong dances his heart out on stage, Myungsoo and Sungyeol keep their promise. It turns out they hadn't needed to, though - Sungjong's performance of Tell Me earns screams and cheers so loud Myungsoo's eardrums vibrate, and the two of them turn to each other with identical beams glimmering across their faces, equally proud of the stick-skinny boy standing on stage holding onto both their hearts.
-
Today Myungsoo jolts awake to the sound of jangling keys, and he staggers out of bed just in time to watch the door close behind Sungyeol. He tugs it open, and Sungyeol stares at him.
"Where are you going?" Myungsoo wants to know.
"I have to work," Sungyeol says, his sentence unfinished. Unlike you.
Myungsoo scratches his elbow, self-conscious in his T-shirt and boxers. "Oh," he says. "Have a nice day, then."
Sungyeol doesn't bother to gift him with a reply, just turns on his heel and walks off. He looks startlingly presentable in pants and a collared shirt, although it's still strange to think of Sungyeol as a teacher. Myungsoo waits until he disappears into the field of flowers, then shuts the door.
He decides to take a shower first, so he heads into the bathroom. He's halfway through peeling off his shirt when he notices the array of new toiletries Sungyeol had bought the day before gathered in a corner next to the sink, obviously meant for Myungsoo.
Myungsoo grabs them all, then goes into the shower stall and turns the water on, letting it run over the tense muscles of his neck and shoulders. Somehow, the tune of Tell Me is stuck in his head, and he thinks of the roar of the crowd and smiles as bright as fireflies.
-
Myungsoo's gotten bored - it's half past five and the only thing on TV is some soap filled with terrible acting, so he decides to explore the place. Maybe he could find some clue as to where Sungjong has gone - this was his house too, after all, maybe he'd left something behind?
He goes back into the bedroom, sitting on Sungjong's bed and glancing around. He wonders if Sungjong's been gone for a long time - his scent still lingers, barely there, clinging onto Myungsoo's skin like cool fingers trying to get under his skin. Then Myungsoo spots a photograph tacked onto the wall, so he goes over to take a closer look.
It's a photograph of Sungjong and Sungyeol, arms wrapped around each other's shoulders, grinning with identical sparks in their eyes. Myungsoo plucks it off the wall, flipping the photograph so he can see the words scrawled across the back - graduation day.
Oh. Myungsoo remembers that day, remembers hesitating, fingers hovering over the keypad of his phone, wondering if he should call and offer his congratulations. And then the music had started pounding out from the speakers again, signalling the start of afternoon rehearsals, and the moment had been gone, lost in time forever.
If he hadn't left, he'd be in that picture. Myungsoo runs his fingers between Sungjong and Sungyeol, as if as long as he tries hard enough, he can break the lock of their grip and fit himself between them and into the picture as well. Somehow, the two of them look perfect, whole - as if a Kim Myungsoo had never existed in their lives.
Myungsoo presses the photo back against the wall, so hard his fingers leave a slight dent in it. He turns, ready to leave the room full of memories built without him, when an envelope catches his eye and he freezes. There's no address written on it, just Sungjong's name, and Myungsoo hesitates before he slides the sheet of paper out.
Sungyeol's handwriting hasn't changed. Myungsoo scans the letter, his name jumping out at him - Myungsoo's here, Sungjong-ah, are you happy? Are you sad? Do you want to come back to see him again? Myungsoo swallows when he reaches the end: I love you, I miss you. Come back soon.
He tucks the letter back into the envelope, flipping it around in search for an address, a hint as to where Sungjong might be, but comes up with nothing. Myungsoo sets the letter back onto the table at the exact spot where he found it, feeling strangely empty inside.
-
"You're buying dinner back for him?" Woohyun wants to know.
Sungyeol takes the plastic bag filled with packed-up food from Woohyun's hands. "Yeah," he says. "Who else?"
Woohyun regards him with eyes filled with something akin to sympathy. "Sungyeol-ah," he says. "You're really not going to tell him?"
Sungyeol feels the corners of his mouth turning downwards almost automatically. Sungjong used to tell him to turn his frowns upside-down back into a smile, but Sungjong isn't here anymore, so Sungyeol doesn't bother faking a grin. There's no point, anyway, not when Woohyun has always been able to read him like a book.
"Why should he know," Sungyeol says, resentful. "He's walked out of our lives for five years now - what makes him think he can just come back like this and we'll accept him with open arms?"
"But still," Woohyun says. "You're holding him back for nothing."
Sungyeol grips the bag tighter. "Sungjong isn't nothing," he points out.
Woohyun reaches out to touch his shoulder, but Sungyeol steps out of his reach. "Bye, hyung," he calls over his shoulder before heading back to the place he can no longer call home, not when Sungjong isn't there anymore.
-
He used to be able to call this boy his best friend, Sungyeol muses as he watches Myungsoo pick at his dinner. This boy who looks like he's aged tremendously, like his clock is running on a different speed as Sungyeol's life. He's missed out on so much, Sungyeol thinks. And he knows it as well.
In fact, that was probably why he'd decided to come back anyway, after not talking to them for five years. Myungsoo glances up, as if he's able to tell Sungyeol is thinking about him, and Sungyeol quickly averts his gaze.
"I'm done," Myungsoo announces, taking his plate to the kitchen. Sungyeol hears the sound of the water running, and lets a smile take over his face. Too bad you're still too late.
-
"Why did you come back?" Sungjong wants to know.
It's a dream, Myungsoo knows it is, but he still fumbles for the correct words to press into the space between them, to bridge the distance and light up Sungjong's face again. "For you," Myungsoo says, a teenager desperate to impress once again. Except that it's the truth, it's the whole truth and nothing but the truth - why else would he come back to this town that holds no other meaning for him?
Sungjong smiles, just a little, but it doesn't touch his eyes. "It took five years for you to realise that you needed me?"
It stings (but it's a dream it's a dream it's a dream). Myungsoo takes a step forward. "I'm sorry," he tries, unsure of what else he can do or say to make everything right again. The scenery changes, and they're standing in the field of flowers, only this time they're sunflowers, just like five years ago.
"I waited for you," Sungjong tells him. He bends down, disappearing into the tall green stems of the flowers, and Myungsoo feels his heart squeeze tight in his chest. He's about to call Sungjong's name when he reappears again, straightening up. The sunflowers around him are collapsing into themselves, changing and writhing, and Myungsoo stares as they morph into forget-me-nots, spreading across the whole sea until no more yellow is left, just a soft, haunting blue.
"I know," Myungsoo answers, glancing back at Sungjong, but he's gone, leaving Myungsoo standing alone in an ocean of forget-me-nots.
Then Myungsoo starts laughing, for some unknown reason, and he wakes up with tears dampening his cheeks and regret salty and tangible in his mouth.
-
"Where is he?"
Sungyeol turns, looks at Myungsoo who is wearing a look of utter despair on his face. For a moment, Sungyeol considers telling him the truth, but decides that he'd rather see Myungsoo wallow in self-pity and misery for a while more.
"I told you, he's not here right now."
"But where?" Myungsoo presses, and Sungyeol feels a spark of rage coil in the bottom of his stomach, flaming and burning into something bigger, brighter.
"You don't need to know," Sungyeol says shortly. "Now move, I'm going to be late for work."
Myungsoo doesn't budge, though, so Sungyeol pushes past him and opens the door. "Please," he hears Myungsoo say behind him, and Sungyeol almost pauses, almost crumbles, but the forget-me-nots are staining his vision, reminding him of all the reasons he should hate this boy, and so Sungyeol continues walking and walking.
-
It's the tenth day. Myungsoo almost wants to hide inside and refuse to answer the doorbell, but he knows Dongwoo will probably just camp outside until Sungyeol returns and opens the door, so he sighs and trudges out to greet his manager.
"Hyung," Myungsoo begins, tugging the door open, but his sentence trails off when he realizes that it isn't Dongwoo standing there in front of him. He blinks. "Sunggyu-hyung?"
Sunggyu looks equally stunned. "Myungsoo, right?"
Myungsoo nods, still staring. He can still see traces of the boy inside Sunggyu, the one whom they'd all wanted as their older brother, but had taken a liking to Sungjong instead. They hadn't minded, though - Sungjong deserved the best. He can remember Sunggyu taking Sungjong's hand, can remember himself standing up to the older boy, choking out please take good care of him, can remember Sunggyu's determination as he nodded and said I promise.
He'd thought he wouldn't be able to see Sungjong for the rest of his life, but then Sungyeol's family had adopted him, and they'd wound up in the same small town, growing up together. Fate worked in the strangest ways sometimes.
"Sungyeol's still at work?"
Myungsoo startles out of his thoughts. "Yeah," he answers, opening the door wider. "Do you want to come in?"
Sunggyu nods, Myungsoo stepping out of the way to let him in, then shutting the door behind him. Sunggyu sits down on the couch, and Myungsoo goes into the kitchen to pour a glass of water, handing it to Sungjong's adoptive brother, who smiles and thanks him.
"It's been ages," Sunggyu says. "What brings you back here?"
Myungsoo shrugs. "Sungjong," he says. He hopes that's enough to serve as an explanation, because he's still unsure of how to put his thoughts into words.
Sunggyu nods understandingly. "I came here to see if Sungyeol was going to go as well. But since he's gone to work, I suppose you guys are going over at night?"
"Go where?" Myungsoo asks, confused.
Then there's the sound of a key turning in the lock, and they both turn to watch as Sungyeol enters. Sungyeol blinks, then a smile startles its way across his face, bright and beautiful. "Sunggyu-hyung!"
"Hey, Sungyeol," Sunggyu says, standing up. Sungyeol darts over, curling slim fingers around Sunggyu's arm, and Myungsoo feels a pang in his chest.
When Sungyeol's family had adopted him, he'd thought he was going to finally get a brother, but Sungyeol had looked at him with eyes too bright for someone his age and said he wanted to be best friends instead. Myungsoo had agreed, of course, eager to please, which is how they'd ended up being best friends instead of adoptive siblings.
They'd hung out with Sungjong so often Sunggyu had practically adopted the two of them as his younger brothers as well, and Myungsoo was more than okay with that - he'd taken a liking to Sunggyu right from the start, anyway. But there were times when he woke up from nightmares and wanted an older brother there with him to chase away his fears, instead of a best friend snoring as loud as a steam engine next to him.
"You wanted to go together?" Sungyeol asks.
Sunggyu nods. "Since you're here, do you want to go now?"
"Sure," Sungyeol agrees readily, already heading for the door. "You brought your car, right?"
Myungsoo is still uncertain, still unsure, so he hovers behind Sunggyu, wishing for things to sort themselves out in his head. "Where are you guys going?"
Myungsoo watches as Sungyeol freezes, hand unmoving on the doorknob. Sunggyu's eyebrows are knitted together. "Today is -"
"Sunggyu-hyung," Sungyeol says, cutting Sunggyu off. His face is a cool mask, but something large and unreadable is stirring in the depths of his eyes. "He's not coming."
Sunggyu looks as confused as Myungsoo feels, albeit for a different reason. "Why not?"
Sungyeol squeezes his eyes shut, and he looks so troubled Myungsoo almost feels like saying forget it, don't tell me, just stop looking so upset, please, but then his eyes snap open again and his mouth is pulled into a thin, straight line and this is an ice-cold stranger whom Myungsoo doesn't know, not anymore. "He doesn't deserve to know," Sungyeol spits out, and Myungsoo reels back, stung.
Sunggyu's bemusement vanishes, and he moves forward, gripping Sungyeol's wrist. "Sungyeol-ah," he begins softly.
Sungyeol is trembling, and Sunggyu is speaking so silently Myungsoo cannot hear a thing, and he shifts uneasily, unhappy to be the only one left out again. He knows there's something big, something awful and large and looming behind him, and he wants to know what it is before it rips him up and devours him whole.
Myungsoo watches as Sungyeol shakes his head once, twice, watches as Sunggyu tightens his grip, whispering even more fervently. Sungyeol's always been ridiculously obstinate, and if it's the only thing Myungsoo has in common with his adoptive brother it's that they're both equally stubborn, and he remembers Sungyeol's mother laughing about it once.
Now he wishes Sungyeol would just back down for once. He's sick of this, sick of not knowing a thing, sick of waiting, and the realization of this makes his head spin and stomach churn because he cannot imagine how Sungjong had waited for him for five years. Was this retribution?
"I'll tell him tomorrow," he hears Sungyeol say, sounding close too tears. "Just please, not today, hyung, okay?"
They stay in silence like this for a while - Myungsoo staring at the two of them, Sunggyu turning the suggestion over his mind, Sungyeol radiating determination. Then Sunggyu nods and Myungsoo's heart falls.
Sunggyu throws Myungsoo an apologetic look, and Myungsoo is about to protest, to plead and beg for them to just tell him something, but then they're gone, disappearing out of the door with a click of finality.
Myungsoo sinks down into the couch, staying in the same position until it's past midnight. The tenth day morphs into the eleventh, and Dongwoo doesn't come to drag him back to Seoul and into his old life. Myungsoo feels oddly disappointed.
-
"Why won't they tell me anything?"
Sungjong smooths his fingers down the side of Myungsoo's face, running them along the line of his jaw. "I don't think you want to know the answer."
Myungsoo shuts his eyes. "I do," he insists. "Why wouldn't I not want to know?"
"Sometimes," Sungjong says. "You need to let go before you can see the truth."
"Let go of what?" Myungsoo demands. He knows he's being pushy and irritable, but he's sick of being kept in the dark.
Sungjong's lips are cool when they're pressed against Myungsoo's cheek. "Me," he breathes into the shell of Myungsoo's ear, and Myungsoo jolts awake, suddenly utterly aware of the truth.
-
It all makes sense now: Sungyeol's silence, the way he'd looked when Myungsoo had stooped over to touch the forget-me-nots, the letter with no address. The dreams.
Myungsoo opens the door, stepping out barefoot. He walks and walks until he's in the center of the sea of flowers, sitting down on the soil and breathing in the tangy scent of the forget-me-nots surrounding him.
He doesn't know how long he's stayed in that position until a shadow hovers over him, and he glances up, shielding his eyes from the sun.
"Every type of flower has a message," Sungyeol says. His eyes are red-rimmed, his voice raw and scratched, and Myungsoo wonders how long he'd been crying for. "Do you know what forget-me-nots mean?"
Myungsoo's heart twists a little in the web of his ribs. "Don't forget me?"
"Well, yeah," Sungyeol allows. "But it also means enduring love." He looks down at Myungsoo, and this time there's no more anger or resentment brimming in his eyes, just pure, throbbing grief. "He planted them, you know. Said that he'd go over to Seoul and bring you here the first time they bloomed. But he never go to see it." He smiles wryly, eyes running over Myungsoo almost accusatorily. "At least you did, so I guess he'll be happy."
Myungsoo crawls to his feet. It's hard - he's dizzy with anticipation for the truth that is to come, but he manages to stagger upwards into a standing position. Sungyeol doesn't avert his gaze, not anymore, and Myungsoo feels like telling him that he knows, he already knows, he just doesn't know the full story, but the words are stuck in his throat and all that comes out is a strangled noise.
"He watched you all the time," Sungyeol says, and Myungsoo feels like he's breaking apart physically, crumbling and disintegrating until he is indistinguishable from the soil beneath him. "He never stopped waiting for you to come back, never stopped waiting for a call, never stopped waiting for anything that would tell him that you still remembered him."
Fuck, Myungsoo thinks, and he's not quite sure if it's tears that are blurring his vision or something else altogether. "It was a year ago," Sungyeol says, surging on, the words like a tsunami threatening to pull Myungsoo under, and he has the urge to clamp his hands over his ears and block it out - Sungjong was right, of course, he always was (had been), Myungsoo didn't want to know the answer after all, not when it all came down to this.
"A year and a day, to be exact - you came at just the right time, do you know?" The warmth is spilling down Myungsoo's cheeks and he had guessed right, they were tears after all. "If you'd just come three hundred and sixty-six days earlier," Sungyeol is choking out, and Myungsoo isn't sure if Sungyeol is crying as well, but it sounds like he is. "If you'd come back three hundred and sixty-six days ago -"
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, Myungsoo thinks, and sinks down to press his palms against the ground.
-
"I didn't ask him," Myungsoo says. "I didn't ask him how you died."
A smile ghosts across Sungjong's face. "Are you planning on asking me?"
"No," Myungsoo says, matter-of-fact. "I decided I don't want to know."
Sungjong half-laughs. "That's okay," he says. "I just wanted you to miss me."
"You're not going to leave, are you? Now that I know?" Myungsoo asks, anxious.
Sungjong's eyes are crinkled up, and he reaches out to hold Myungsoo's hand, so cool it almost jolts Myungsoo awake. "I'll think about it," he says, and smiles.
-
Sungyeol tries not to let his jealousy show when Myungsoo explains the dreams to him. He's used to it, anyway - right from the start, Sungjong's always been incredibly biased towards Myungsoo. It's nice to know that Sungjong hasn't changed, even in the afterlife, although Sungyeol wishes he could just see Sungjong one more time.
"Next time," Sungyeol finds himself saying. "Tell him I miss him, won't you? For me?"
Myungsoo looks at him for a moment, then reaches out to hold Sungyeol's hand, warm and kind and familiar. "I'll think about it," he says, and smiles.