Yoochun's ghosts
Yoochun's ghosts (PG)
Yoochun-centric, OT5
4312 words
For my sister, thevignette ♥ 3 more days until you're back!
Death
Yoochun wonders if he can smash all the clocks in the world, just to stop time, just so the four of them won't leave, leave him alone all over again.
(FIRST POSTED HERE)
yoochun's ghosts
Yoochun is writing a song for the five of them when the phone rings.
He picks up the vibrating cellphone, checks the name of the caller (the flashing name reads Junho) and answers the call.
"Yoochun," Junho's voice is thick, barely recognisable. "National Hospital. Come now."
Yoochun's grip on the phone tightens as he manages to choke out, "What happened?"
"Accident." Junho sounds dead, monotonous.
Even when Yoochun runs, time passes too fast for him to race against.
The four of them are in the same hospital room, something Yoochun thinks they would like - have liked.
All their parents are there, even Yoochun's - Junho must have found a way to contact them.
Yoochun wants to ask what happened, how, where, but when he opens his mouth all that comes out is, "Why?"
They all get their turns.
The parents, the siblings, then finally it is Yoochun's turn to be left alone in the room with his four dead bandmembers.
There are chairs beside all of their beds, but Yoochun cannot decide who to sit beside, so he ends up dragging the plastic chair into the centre of the room (like how Yunho always did whenever they held a meeting, the other four of them opposite him waiting for their leader-sshi to start talking).
There a million things Yoochun would have liked to asked, but the knot in his throat grows larger with every beat of his heart and so he can only sit there in silence and stare at their lifeless figures.
For some ironic reason, their beds are lined up in their traditional order - Junsu, Jaejoong, Changmin, Yunho.
Yoochun's eyes burn when he realises that he is the only one left behind, the only one who cannot fit in, no matter how much he tries.
He curls up in the space between Junsu and Jaejoong and lets the tears eat at his heart.
The funeral is filled with an overwhelming amount of people - family, relatives, friends, fans.
Yoochun's eyes are dulled, and when the funeral speaker invites him to sing a Dong Bang Shin Ki song to mourn for his bandmates, his blood runs cold.
"There is no Dong Bang Shin Ki without them," Yoochun's voice is soft but deadly serious, echoing around the silent funeral hall.
He walks out, the crowd splitting apart to give him a path to walk through.
The papers the next day write about how Micky Yoochun is depressed after his bandmembers' death, and Yoochun throws them away along with all his Dong Bang Shin Ki memorabilia.
Yoochun soon learns that he can pretend Dong Bang Shin Ki never existed by clearing his entire house of any hints of their existence, but he cannot forget the simplest things:
Junsu's familiar uekyangkyang laugh, Jaejoong in a polka-dotted apron cooking for them, Changmin watching him playing the piano with a hint of a smile, Yunho's hair catching the sunlight as he dances.
Yoohwan tells him to go back to their old apartment. "Maybe then you can let go," Yoohwan tells him, eyes alight with worry.
How could I ever let go? Yoochun wants to say, but Yoohwan's rigid stubborness wins him over anyway.
Yoochun fits the keys into the lock and holds his breath before opening the door.
In contrary to what he'd expected, the apartment doesn't smell of stale air and unwashed dishes. Instead, there is a slight aroma of... cooking?
Yoochun's forehead creases with suspicion and he moves towards the kitchen.
"Yoochunnie," Jaejoong greets him, smile on his face and frying pan in his hand.
Yoochun tries to tell himself that this is not real, that this is probably one of those made-up hallucinations he always hears about after suffering from severe trauma, but as he shovels down Jaejoong's bulgogi, he can't help but believe that this is it, this is the truth, Jaejoong is here, real.
Jaejoong sits down beside him, watching Yoochun finish his food with a twinkle in his eyes.
"How was it?" Jaejoong asks.
"Good," Yoochun says. "I've missed it ever since you -" He stops, frowns and avoids Jaejoong's knowing gaze.
"Died?" Jaejoong finishes for Yoochun.
Yoochun's head snaps up and he meets Jaejoong's eyes. "What exactly are you?"
Jaejoong frowns as well. "I don't know, exactly. A ghost? I just suddenly appeared here ten minutes before you arrived."
Yoochun swallows. "Then um, what were you doing before you came?"
Jaejoong hums in thoughtfulness. "I don't know either. The last thing I remember before coming here was -"
Jaejoong's breath catches, his eyes glazing over, his mouth drawn.
"Was?" Yoochun prompts, his gaze never leaving Jaejoong, burning this strange apparition into his mind.
"It was an accident, wasn't it?" Jaejoong says. "I remember Yunho shouting and everything was so orange."
Yoochun nods. "I only knew when Junho called."
Jaejoong fixes a smile onto his face. "We were on our way to visit you, you know. Everyone missed you after you moved back with your mom and Yoohwan."
Yoochun's heart thumps a little too hard, the ache coiling in his chest.
Jaejoong talks about random, crazy, Jaejoong-y stuff until the apartment darkens and the lights shine outside the window.
"It's getting late," Jaejoong says. "You should be getting to sleep."
Yoochun gives him a look. "Have you forgotten that I'm the insomniac of the group?"
He still remembers staying up late at night working at his lyrics, the four of them poking their heads out at one-hour intervals to ask him to holy God please get some sleep we have so much work to do tomorrow (Yunho), are you hungry I can make you supper (Jaejoong), no amount of make-up will ever be able to cover up your dark circles (Junsu), hyung the light is really irritating you know (Changmin).
"I'll have to go. At midnight."
Yoochun says, "What, are you freaking Cinderella?"
"That's Heechul." Jaejoong laughs. "Really, Yoochun-ah, please, go to sleep."
"Since you're leaving," Yoochun says stubbornly. "All the more I'm not sleeping."
Jaejoong is silent, his large, dark eyes filled with an emotion Yoochun cannot find a name for.
"I don't want you to watch me go." Jaejoong murmurs, his voice hoarse.
Yoochun's eyes flash to the clock on the wall. Eleven twenty-seven PM.
"I want to watch you go to sleep," Jaejoong continues. "One last time, Yoochun, please?"
Yoochun stares at his soulmate - his eyes so alive, so different from the previous time Yoochun saw them.
Jaejoong's jaw is set, but when Yoochun finally nods, his mouth melts into a smile.
"Close your eyes," Jaejoong orders.
Yoochun obliges, lying down so that his head is settled on Jaejoong's lap.
Jaejoong sings quietly, but his voice still stands out amongst the hum of traffic and nightlife.
When Yoochun hears the beep of the clock, marking twelve AM, he opens his eyes to a world without Jaejoong.
After Yoochun is done crying, he calls Yoohwan.
"Yoohwan-ah," he says. "I'm staying here until Friday."
Monday is - was Jaejoong's, and Yoochun guessed Tuesday to Thursday would be the others'. Friday, he decided, would be for himself.
"Umma says remember to sleep." Yoohwan tells him.
"I know," Yoochun answers.
After he hangs up, he slips into the bedroom he once shared with Jaejoong and onto his bed.
He dreams of Jaejoong, and when he wakes up, the taste of Jaejoong's bulgogi is still on his tongue.
Yoochun survives on leftover biscuits and coffee for breakfast.
At ten fifty-seven, he goes out to write lyrics by the Han River, Jaejoong's singing still clogging up his mind and heart.
At twelve oh-four, he buys a Popsicle, smiling at the memory of Junsu's tongue-sticking-out-before-eating habit.
At twelve thirty-three, a fan stops him, her eyes calm, doe-like as she asks quietly for his signature.
Yoochun shakes his head politely, says, "There isn't Dong Bang Shin Ki anymore, I'm sorry."
"But there is still Dong Bang Shin Ki in our hearts," the fan says, inclining her head to meet Yoochun's eyes. "And in oppa's heart, too."
Yoochun signs the photo, of the five of them still caught in teenage adolescence during their Hug days.
"Who was your favourite?" Yoochun asks, out of curiosity.
"Junsu-oppa."
"Junsu would have liked you," Yoochun tells her. It's the truth - she is small, petite, large eyes brightening her slightly-round face. Junsu's type.
The fan smiles, her cheeks turning pink. "Thank you, Yoochun-oppa."
Yoochun shrugs, waves, and heads home.
At one oh-eight, Yoochun sits on the swings at the park near their apartment.
At one eleven, Yoochun runs home.
At one thirteen, Yunho opens the door for Yoochun.
"How have you been without us?" Yunho says conversationally.
"Fine. Okay. I don't know. Fine?" Yoochun says.
Yunho sighs. "So what are you going to do now?"
"Um, I'm talking to you?" Yoochun raises his eyebrows.
"Not now now," Yunho tuts. "As in, your future without Dong Bang Shin Ki."
Yoochun swallows, forces a smile. "Hyung," he says. "Dong Bang Shin Ki is still in everyone's hearts."
Yunho is still Yunho, whether dead or alive, so he sits cross-legged on the couch reading the newspaper.
Yoochun works on his lyrics, glancing from the memo pad in his hand to Yunho every minute or so.
"Our funeral was good, huh." Yunho muses, his finger tapping against his chin.
Yoochun shrugs abashedly. "I kind of missed most of it."
"Depression?" Yunho coughs to hide his grin.
Yoochun glares at him. "Well, I was, until all of you started showing up in my lonely life."
"All of us?" Yunho repeats, narrowing his eyes. "Who else?"
"Not all," Yoochun amends. "Just you, and Jaejoong visited yesterday."
"So Junsu and Changmin will probably show up over the next few days?" Yunho asks.
"Probably, yeah." Yoochun nods. "Judging from you and Jaejoong's rate of showing up," he adds dryly.
"Yoochun-ah." Yunho says. "Honestly, I'm not sure whether this," he gestures towards himself. "Is good for you."
"I am not depressed, hyung." Yoochun tells him tiredly.
Yunho smiles. "But you have to learn to move on without us, Yoochun."
Something inside Yoochun snaps.
"Do you think I haven't tried?" Yoochun says loudly, close to shouting.
"I've done almost everything to forget you guys! You four have it easy - you're gone without any more burdens, but me? I'm still here! Learning to survive without you!"
Yoochun hasn't even realised that he's standing up until Yunho stands, too, and pats him on the back reassuringly, his touch cool, even through the fabric of Yoochun's shirt.
"I can't do this," Yoochun crumples back onto the sofa. "Why? Why am I the only one who's left behind?"
"Believe me, Yoochun-ah." Yunho worries his lip before saying, "If we had a choice, we'd never have left you behind."
The tears burn their way down his cheeks as he curls into a ball, as if doing this can prevent him from falling apart.
"Micky Yoochun, always the crybaby." Yunho teases gently.
Yoochun feels like his heart is breaking bit by bit, but he lifts his head up to offer a smile to Yunho, because he has to learn to be stronger without his Leader-sshi.
Yoochun spends the last few hours with Yunho composing.
Yoochun tells Yunho about the song he is writing about the five of them, Dong Bang Shin Ki which has ceased to exist.
Yunho insists he has to hear it, sings the lyrics while Yoochun plays the piano.
"You haven't finished the lyrics?" Yunho says while the melody still flows around them.
Yoochun stops playing. "I've only finished Jaejoong's part, you see."
"Four more to go." Yunho says, smiling.
"Three." Yoochun corrects, tugging the paper with scribbled words back from Yunho's hands.
Yunho doesn't let go. "Have you forgotten yourself?" He demands.
"Hyung," Yoochun says. "I've got myself for a long, long time. It's the four of you I want to remember."
"Dong Bang Shin Ki will always be five." Yunho reminds. Then he glances away, points a finger at the bathroom. "I'm going to the toilet."
"Okay," Yoochun agrees absent-mindedly, turning his gaze back towards the piano.
It takes two and a half minutes and the beep of the clock until Yoochun wonders if ghosts really need to use the toilet.
When he races down the hallway and flings open the door, Yunho is gone.
Yoochun cries to sleep with his head against the door, breathing in the last vestiges of Jung Yunho.
Yoochun realises it when a soccer ball rolls into his room.
He glances up, meeting a pair of twinkling eyes and a bright smile.
"Yoochunnie!" Junsu says, his voice high as he rushes in and hugs Yoochun.
Yoochun breathes in the familiar scent of Junsu, fingers bunching up Junsu's shirt.
Junsu pulls away, runs to get the ball and asks, "Want to have a match?"
They have a match, in the empty grass patch near their apartment.
Junsu wins, as expected, and when they lie on the grass panting, Junsu laughs.
"What?" Yoochun says suspiciously, turning his head to look at Junsu.
"I remember the last time we were here, Changminnie slipped and fell."
"And Jaejoong-hyung said that long legs weren't much of a help to prevent you from falling," Yoochun recalls.
"And they started fighting." Junsu says, beaming. "As usual."
They lie in silence after that, the clouds floating above them in the too-blue sky.
"Do you think," Yoochun says. "All five of us will ever be able to come here again?"
Junsu shrugs, his earring catching the Sun's glow and sparkling. "Stop wallowing, Yoochun."
"I'm not wallowing," Yoochun defends himself. "Just wondering."
Junsu says, "You'll be fine without us, I know you will."
Yoochun says, "I know I won't."
Junsu sits up, his head nearly colliding with a bright-yellow butterfly. He looks down at Yoochun, and says, "You will."
"I don't think I can do this." Yoochun closes his eyes, his voice shaking audibly. His heart feels like it's shrivelling up, and he wonders if it's scientifically possible to feel your heart breaking, because he thinks he can.
A tear slips out of the corner of his eye, and Junsu's answering touch is as light as the wind.
Junsu begs for ice cream at eleven forty-two.
"Then go and get it yourself." Yoochun says, annoyed.
"There's none left in the fridge, dumbass."
"Then go out and buy some."
"Do you think I can?" Junsu gives him a look.
Yoochun throws his pillow at Junsu and goes downstairs.
The mini-mart is empty, and Yoochun grabs a carton of strawbery ice cream, Junsu's favourite flavour.
When he goes to pay, the cashier gives him a tiny smile and asks, "Are you Yoochun-oppa?"
Yoochun nods, accepting his change from the girl.
"Fighting!" She says, and Yoochun walks out with a polite nod.
The apartment is strangely quiet when he gets back, and a note is sitting on their coffee table.
"Yoochunnie, fighting! We love you!" It says, in Junsu's familiar handwriting.
Yoochun sits on the floor for twelve minutes before he realises that the ice cream is melting.
He opens the refrigerator, and sets the carton he just bought with another three tubs of ice cream.
"Stupid dumbass liar," Yoochun says to the air, and this time when he cries, there isn't Junsu to wipe away his tears anymore.
Changmin is his last visitor.
Changmin sits on the park swing, Yoochun sits on the ground amongst the red maple leaves.
Autumn has always spelled loneliness of Yoochun. He remembers autumns in America; the other kids playing, jumping into the piles of leaves and giggling. He never joined in, just sat on the porch watching the burnt-red leaves drift slowly to meet the ground.
He'd told a single leaf, the only one left on the entire tree to hang in there, once, when he'd believed that it was clinging onto the branch with all its might.
Now, he wonders if the leaf had liked staying on the tree. Maybe, maybe it'd wanted to join the others on the ground - death meant nothing compared to being alone, being the only one left behind and watching everyone else walk away from you while you can only stand and stare, unable to move, to chase them and yell, "wait for me!"
"Do you miss us?" Changmin asks, never the subtle one.
Yoochun's laugh is hollow. "How could I not, Changmin-ah?"
"I'm sorry."
Yoochun doesn't know if Changmin is apologising for his lack of tack, or for abandoning him, so he shrugs and lets it go.
Yoochun falls asleep not long after that, the light breeze and the taste of autumn on his tongue having some sort of effect on his eyelids.
When he wakes up, the sky is dark and a glance at his watch tells him that it is eleven PM.
He stands up, brushing leaves off his jeans, and then he registers that Changmin is gone, Changmin isn't there anymore.
There is a strange jerking sensation at his heart - it feels like it's falling, the kind of feeling you get when you sit on roller-coasters.
He wanders the streets until he finds a familiar shadow lurking at the steps leading to the underground passage near their apartment.
"Changmin-ah!" Yoochun yells.
Changmin turns, his eyes bright in the dark.
Yoochun runs and so does Changmin, the youngest bandmember's long legs sprinting down the steps.
"Stay there, hyung!" Changmin shouts back, his voice echoing around the passageway.
"Why?" Yoochun asks, his throat tight and fingers clenched.
"Hyung, I don't want you to see me go." Changmin's voice is quiet, but for some reason Yoochun can still hear him.
Yoochun takes a step forward, eyes desperate, mouth dry.
"Close your eyes, hyung."
Yoochun obeys with something that feels like trepidation (like he doesn't want to let go).
The wind is harsh, cold, biting into his skin, and when he opens his eyes again, there is nothing left in the passageway to mark the fact that Shim Changmin had once been there.
Yoochun makes his way back to the apartment slowly, feet tripping over invisible obstacles and eyes swollen.
Seoul at midnight is still busy, noisy music drifting to his ears whenever a drunk person stumbles out of a club.
When he finally reaches the door, his hand pausing on the doorknob, he realises that there's nothing inside the apartment left waiting for, and he ends up curling on the doorstep and waiting for morning to arrive.
Something hard hits his head, and Yoochun wakes up.
"Good morning, sleepyhead." Jaejoong says, smiling.
Yunho tuts, "Why didn't you go in? It isn't safe for you to sleep outside!"
Junsu picks up the soccer ball he'd thrown at Yoochun's head and whispers something to Changmin, who cracks up.
Yunho unlocks the door, pushes Yoochun inside. Jaejoong grabs Yoochun's hand and steers him to sit on the couch.
Changmin and Junsu sit at both sides of Yoochun, while Yunho and Jaejoong go into the kitchen.
"Why are you guys here?" Yoochun says in mock-anger.
"Because we miss you," Junsu says at the same time as Changmin says, "Because you're an idiot and we thought you were going to off yourself."
Junsu clamps a head over Changmin's mouth. Changmin bites Junsu, who lets go immediately and yelps, wiping his hand on the couch.
"Now there's Min's saliva on the couch, you dumbass." Yoochun complains.
"Stop fighting!" Yunho sticks his head out of the kitchen with a glare.
"Yes, leader-sshi." Changmin says, an innocent look on his face.
Yunho nods, satisfied, and goes back to talking to Jaejoong.
"Devil," Junsu admonishes Changmin.
"Like you're incredibly pure, Angel Xiah." Changmin pokes Junsu's ribs.
Junsu does his trademark angel pose. Changmin clobbers his head with a cushion. Yoochun watches them fight with the biggest grin on his face.
"Breakfast!" Jaejoong shouts as he brings a plate of pancakes from the ktichen.
There is a mad scramble for the dining table and Jaejoong hits all their hands trying to reach for their food.
"Be patient." Jaejoong says, as he serves all of them an equal portion.
They talk while eating, slipping back into their normal routine as if this is normal - four ghosts and a human sitting around eating pancakes.
Yoochun says Jaejoong's cooking is the best in the world, Jaejoong tells him not to let his umma hear that.
Jaejoong and Changmin have a squabble over the maple syrup, and Yunho tells them to take their one-touches somewhere far away from the dining table.
Junsu and Yoochun share a smile, and Yoochun wishes this could last forever.
Yoohwan calls in the middle of their game of Monopoly.
"Yeah, Yoohwan?" Yoochun says into the phone.
"You're bankrupt!" Changmin announces gleefully to Yunho.
"Did I hear Changmin-hyung's voice?" Yoohwan asks suspiciously.
Yoochun says hastily, "I was um... watching some of our old home videos."
"You're coming back tonight, right?" Yoohwan says.
"Yeah. After midnight."
"Couldn't you come back earlier? Umma wants you home for dinner. It's New Year's tomorrow."
Yoochun winces. He'd been so caught up with everything he'd forgotten the dates. "Tell her I have some things to... take care of."
Yoohwan agrees and hangs up.
"Yunho-hyung's broke!" Changmin tells Yoochun after he puts down the phone.
"I'm the richest so far!" Jaejoong grins.
"How about you donate some of that pile to me?" Yunho tries to grab a note from Jaejoong's colourful stack.
Jaejoong shoves his hand away, and Yunho pouts.
Jaejoong wins the game, and suggests they go to the beach for the day.
If you put the five members of Dong Bang Shin Ki together, their childishness can win five pre-school kids.
They play catching on a secluded beach, toes slipping in the sand and laughter filling the air and Yoochun's heart.
Yoochun shoves Jaejoong into the salty water, and Jaejoong drags him into the sea as well, the cold water making the two of them shiver and race out of the sea as the other three laugh until they collapse onto the sand.
Jaejoong's eyes have a wicked glint, and when he mouths "get them", they tug and pull and push until all five of them are soaking wet and laughing even though their teeth are chattering in the icy-cold breeze.
The rest force Yoochun to get changed out of his wet clothes ("we can't get sick anyway," Changmin said logically).
They sit on the sand watching the Sun disappear into the sea, the sky painted with all sorts of colourful shades.
"Afterglow," Junsu comments.
They sing Hug together. Yoochun is reminded of pre-debut days, of walking into a meeting room with four complete strangers and flashing a nervous smile. Of clinging to each other's hands, sweaty and shaking, before their debut performance. Of winning their first award, tears of happiness.
They've walked so far together, and Yoochun wants to ask God, if you're really there, why are you doing this to me, to us, to everyone out there?
Yoochun wonders if this is the last time they get to sing this song together. Yoochun wonders if he will ever sing this song again.
"TVXQ Survival Quiz." Junsu says, his voice a little strange due to his blocked-up nose. "Who was the first one to cry the last day Dong Bang Shin Ki was together?"
They all write Park Micky Yoochun into the sand except Jaejoong, who argues that he was crying in the heart once again, and earns tearful whacks from the others.
Jaejoong had thought to bring sparklers, and they stick them into the sand to form TVXQ! and set the beach ablaze with light.
When the sparklers die out, and the beach dims again, Yoochun thinks that this is the exact representation of his life before, during, and after Dong Bang Shin Ki.
I can't live without you, Yoochun writes on the sand.
Junsu is the only one who sees, and he holds Yoochun's hand while Yoochun's tears drip onto the sand.
"Someone said, 'the point of meeting is for the eventual goodbye'."
"Who said that?" Junsu asks, looking at Changmin.
"Me." Changmin says loftily.
Yoochun throws sand into his hair.
"Well," Jaejoong says. "I say, 'goodbyes mark new beginnings, which means we'll meet again'."
Love, Yoochun thinks, is like a drug. You get a dose of it and you crave more and more, your world brimming over with explosions of colour. And when you lose it, when you can't get any more of it, your world reverts back to its black-and-white like before.
Except that this time, you've gotten so used to the technicolour the black-and-white is even worse, leaving your world even duller than before.
Yoochun wonders if he can smash all the clocks in the world, just to stop time, just so the four of them won't leave, leave him alone all over again.
Midnight is inching closer with every tear, every smile, every laugh, every beat of Yoochun's heart.
"Don't go." Yoochun whispers finally.
"Do you think we don't want to stay?" Yunho says, eyes worried.
"Then stay!"
"We can't, Yoochun, we just can't." Junsu's voice cracks.
"I hate all of you." Yoochun says.
"We love you." Changmin says.
Yoochun cries, clinging onto all their shirts like an abandoned puppy, desperate for them to take him along, wherever they go to, whenever, forever.
When fireworks explode on the other end of the beach, the bright sparks shooting up into the sky and then tumbling down again, Yoochun's breathing stops.
He's holding onto nothing but air, but when he opens his hand, a sheet of paper flutters out.
"Take care, we love you! 4/5 of TVXQ!"
"Happy New Year." Yoochun says.
Happy New Year to another year with Dong Bang Shin Ki (except this time, their existence is in your hearts).
Yoochun finishes the song.
He throws away all his drafts, every copy of his lyrics and notes until all that's left of the music is in his mind.
>>
FIRST POSTED HERE
Yoochun-centric, OT5
4312 words
For my sister, thevignette ♥ 3 more days until you're back!
Death
Yoochun wonders if he can smash all the clocks in the world, just to stop time, just so the four of them won't leave, leave him alone all over again.
(FIRST POSTED HERE)
yoochun's ghosts
Yoochun is writing a song for the five of them when the phone rings.
He picks up the vibrating cellphone, checks the name of the caller (the flashing name reads Junho) and answers the call.
"Yoochun," Junho's voice is thick, barely recognisable. "National Hospital. Come now."
Yoochun's grip on the phone tightens as he manages to choke out, "What happened?"
"Accident." Junho sounds dead, monotonous.
Even when Yoochun runs, time passes too fast for him to race against.
The four of them are in the same hospital room, something Yoochun thinks they would like - have liked.
All their parents are there, even Yoochun's - Junho must have found a way to contact them.
Yoochun wants to ask what happened, how, where, but when he opens his mouth all that comes out is, "Why?"
They all get their turns.
The parents, the siblings, then finally it is Yoochun's turn to be left alone in the room with his four dead bandmembers.
There are chairs beside all of their beds, but Yoochun cannot decide who to sit beside, so he ends up dragging the plastic chair into the centre of the room (like how Yunho always did whenever they held a meeting, the other four of them opposite him waiting for their leader-sshi to start talking).
There a million things Yoochun would have liked to asked, but the knot in his throat grows larger with every beat of his heart and so he can only sit there in silence and stare at their lifeless figures.
For some ironic reason, their beds are lined up in their traditional order - Junsu, Jaejoong, Changmin, Yunho.
Yoochun's eyes burn when he realises that he is the only one left behind, the only one who cannot fit in, no matter how much he tries.
He curls up in the space between Junsu and Jaejoong and lets the tears eat at his heart.
The funeral is filled with an overwhelming amount of people - family, relatives, friends, fans.
Yoochun's eyes are dulled, and when the funeral speaker invites him to sing a Dong Bang Shin Ki song to mourn for his bandmates, his blood runs cold.
"There is no Dong Bang Shin Ki without them," Yoochun's voice is soft but deadly serious, echoing around the silent funeral hall.
He walks out, the crowd splitting apart to give him a path to walk through.
The papers the next day write about how Micky Yoochun is depressed after his bandmembers' death, and Yoochun throws them away along with all his Dong Bang Shin Ki memorabilia.
Yoochun soon learns that he can pretend Dong Bang Shin Ki never existed by clearing his entire house of any hints of their existence, but he cannot forget the simplest things:
Junsu's familiar uekyangkyang laugh, Jaejoong in a polka-dotted apron cooking for them, Changmin watching him playing the piano with a hint of a smile, Yunho's hair catching the sunlight as he dances.
Yoohwan tells him to go back to their old apartment. "Maybe then you can let go," Yoohwan tells him, eyes alight with worry.
How could I ever let go? Yoochun wants to say, but Yoohwan's rigid stubborness wins him over anyway.
Yoochun fits the keys into the lock and holds his breath before opening the door.
In contrary to what he'd expected, the apartment doesn't smell of stale air and unwashed dishes. Instead, there is a slight aroma of... cooking?
Yoochun's forehead creases with suspicion and he moves towards the kitchen.
"Yoochunnie," Jaejoong greets him, smile on his face and frying pan in his hand.
Yoochun tries to tell himself that this is not real, that this is probably one of those made-up hallucinations he always hears about after suffering from severe trauma, but as he shovels down Jaejoong's bulgogi, he can't help but believe that this is it, this is the truth, Jaejoong is here, real.
Jaejoong sits down beside him, watching Yoochun finish his food with a twinkle in his eyes.
"How was it?" Jaejoong asks.
"Good," Yoochun says. "I've missed it ever since you -" He stops, frowns and avoids Jaejoong's knowing gaze.
"Died?" Jaejoong finishes for Yoochun.
Yoochun's head snaps up and he meets Jaejoong's eyes. "What exactly are you?"
Jaejoong frowns as well. "I don't know, exactly. A ghost? I just suddenly appeared here ten minutes before you arrived."
Yoochun swallows. "Then um, what were you doing before you came?"
Jaejoong hums in thoughtfulness. "I don't know either. The last thing I remember before coming here was -"
Jaejoong's breath catches, his eyes glazing over, his mouth drawn.
"Was?" Yoochun prompts, his gaze never leaving Jaejoong, burning this strange apparition into his mind.
"It was an accident, wasn't it?" Jaejoong says. "I remember Yunho shouting and everything was so orange."
Yoochun nods. "I only knew when Junho called."
Jaejoong fixes a smile onto his face. "We were on our way to visit you, you know. Everyone missed you after you moved back with your mom and Yoohwan."
Yoochun's heart thumps a little too hard, the ache coiling in his chest.
Jaejoong talks about random, crazy, Jaejoong-y stuff until the apartment darkens and the lights shine outside the window.
"It's getting late," Jaejoong says. "You should be getting to sleep."
Yoochun gives him a look. "Have you forgotten that I'm the insomniac of the group?"
He still remembers staying up late at night working at his lyrics, the four of them poking their heads out at one-hour intervals to ask him to holy God please get some sleep we have so much work to do tomorrow (Yunho), are you hungry I can make you supper (Jaejoong), no amount of make-up will ever be able to cover up your dark circles (Junsu), hyung the light is really irritating you know (Changmin).
"I'll have to go. At midnight."
Yoochun says, "What, are you freaking Cinderella?"
"That's Heechul." Jaejoong laughs. "Really, Yoochun-ah, please, go to sleep."
"Since you're leaving," Yoochun says stubbornly. "All the more I'm not sleeping."
Jaejoong is silent, his large, dark eyes filled with an emotion Yoochun cannot find a name for.
"I don't want you to watch me go." Jaejoong murmurs, his voice hoarse.
Yoochun's eyes flash to the clock on the wall. Eleven twenty-seven PM.
"I want to watch you go to sleep," Jaejoong continues. "One last time, Yoochun, please?"
Yoochun stares at his soulmate - his eyes so alive, so different from the previous time Yoochun saw them.
Jaejoong's jaw is set, but when Yoochun finally nods, his mouth melts into a smile.
"Close your eyes," Jaejoong orders.
Yoochun obliges, lying down so that his head is settled on Jaejoong's lap.
Jaejoong sings quietly, but his voice still stands out amongst the hum of traffic and nightlife.
When Yoochun hears the beep of the clock, marking twelve AM, he opens his eyes to a world without Jaejoong.
After Yoochun is done crying, he calls Yoohwan.
"Yoohwan-ah," he says. "I'm staying here until Friday."
Monday is - was Jaejoong's, and Yoochun guessed Tuesday to Thursday would be the others'. Friday, he decided, would be for himself.
"Umma says remember to sleep." Yoohwan tells him.
"I know," Yoochun answers.
After he hangs up, he slips into the bedroom he once shared with Jaejoong and onto his bed.
He dreams of Jaejoong, and when he wakes up, the taste of Jaejoong's bulgogi is still on his tongue.
Yoochun survives on leftover biscuits and coffee for breakfast.
At ten fifty-seven, he goes out to write lyrics by the Han River, Jaejoong's singing still clogging up his mind and heart.
At twelve oh-four, he buys a Popsicle, smiling at the memory of Junsu's tongue-sticking-out-before-eating habit.
At twelve thirty-three, a fan stops him, her eyes calm, doe-like as she asks quietly for his signature.
Yoochun shakes his head politely, says, "There isn't Dong Bang Shin Ki anymore, I'm sorry."
"But there is still Dong Bang Shin Ki in our hearts," the fan says, inclining her head to meet Yoochun's eyes. "And in oppa's heart, too."
Yoochun signs the photo, of the five of them still caught in teenage adolescence during their Hug days.
"Who was your favourite?" Yoochun asks, out of curiosity.
"Junsu-oppa."
"Junsu would have liked you," Yoochun tells her. It's the truth - she is small, petite, large eyes brightening her slightly-round face. Junsu's type.
The fan smiles, her cheeks turning pink. "Thank you, Yoochun-oppa."
Yoochun shrugs, waves, and heads home.
At one oh-eight, Yoochun sits on the swings at the park near their apartment.
At one eleven, Yoochun runs home.
At one thirteen, Yunho opens the door for Yoochun.
"How have you been without us?" Yunho says conversationally.
"Fine. Okay. I don't know. Fine?" Yoochun says.
Yunho sighs. "So what are you going to do now?"
"Um, I'm talking to you?" Yoochun raises his eyebrows.
"Not now now," Yunho tuts. "As in, your future without Dong Bang Shin Ki."
Yoochun swallows, forces a smile. "Hyung," he says. "Dong Bang Shin Ki is still in everyone's hearts."
Yunho is still Yunho, whether dead or alive, so he sits cross-legged on the couch reading the newspaper.
Yoochun works on his lyrics, glancing from the memo pad in his hand to Yunho every minute or so.
"Our funeral was good, huh." Yunho muses, his finger tapping against his chin.
Yoochun shrugs abashedly. "I kind of missed most of it."
"Depression?" Yunho coughs to hide his grin.
Yoochun glares at him. "Well, I was, until all of you started showing up in my lonely life."
"All of us?" Yunho repeats, narrowing his eyes. "Who else?"
"Not all," Yoochun amends. "Just you, and Jaejoong visited yesterday."
"So Junsu and Changmin will probably show up over the next few days?" Yunho asks.
"Probably, yeah." Yoochun nods. "Judging from you and Jaejoong's rate of showing up," he adds dryly.
"Yoochun-ah." Yunho says. "Honestly, I'm not sure whether this," he gestures towards himself. "Is good for you."
"I am not depressed, hyung." Yoochun tells him tiredly.
Yunho smiles. "But you have to learn to move on without us, Yoochun."
Something inside Yoochun snaps.
"Do you think I haven't tried?" Yoochun says loudly, close to shouting.
"I've done almost everything to forget you guys! You four have it easy - you're gone without any more burdens, but me? I'm still here! Learning to survive without you!"
Yoochun hasn't even realised that he's standing up until Yunho stands, too, and pats him on the back reassuringly, his touch cool, even through the fabric of Yoochun's shirt.
"I can't do this," Yoochun crumples back onto the sofa. "Why? Why am I the only one who's left behind?"
"Believe me, Yoochun-ah." Yunho worries his lip before saying, "If we had a choice, we'd never have left you behind."
The tears burn their way down his cheeks as he curls into a ball, as if doing this can prevent him from falling apart.
"Micky Yoochun, always the crybaby." Yunho teases gently.
Yoochun feels like his heart is breaking bit by bit, but he lifts his head up to offer a smile to Yunho, because he has to learn to be stronger without his Leader-sshi.
Yoochun spends the last few hours with Yunho composing.
Yoochun tells Yunho about the song he is writing about the five of them, Dong Bang Shin Ki which has ceased to exist.
Yunho insists he has to hear it, sings the lyrics while Yoochun plays the piano.
"You haven't finished the lyrics?" Yunho says while the melody still flows around them.
Yoochun stops playing. "I've only finished Jaejoong's part, you see."
"Four more to go." Yunho says, smiling.
"Three." Yoochun corrects, tugging the paper with scribbled words back from Yunho's hands.
Yunho doesn't let go. "Have you forgotten yourself?" He demands.
"Hyung," Yoochun says. "I've got myself for a long, long time. It's the four of you I want to remember."
"Dong Bang Shin Ki will always be five." Yunho reminds. Then he glances away, points a finger at the bathroom. "I'm going to the toilet."
"Okay," Yoochun agrees absent-mindedly, turning his gaze back towards the piano.
It takes two and a half minutes and the beep of the clock until Yoochun wonders if ghosts really need to use the toilet.
When he races down the hallway and flings open the door, Yunho is gone.
Yoochun cries to sleep with his head against the door, breathing in the last vestiges of Jung Yunho.
Yoochun realises it when a soccer ball rolls into his room.
He glances up, meeting a pair of twinkling eyes and a bright smile.
"Yoochunnie!" Junsu says, his voice high as he rushes in and hugs Yoochun.
Yoochun breathes in the familiar scent of Junsu, fingers bunching up Junsu's shirt.
Junsu pulls away, runs to get the ball and asks, "Want to have a match?"
They have a match, in the empty grass patch near their apartment.
Junsu wins, as expected, and when they lie on the grass panting, Junsu laughs.
"What?" Yoochun says suspiciously, turning his head to look at Junsu.
"I remember the last time we were here, Changminnie slipped and fell."
"And Jaejoong-hyung said that long legs weren't much of a help to prevent you from falling," Yoochun recalls.
"And they started fighting." Junsu says, beaming. "As usual."
They lie in silence after that, the clouds floating above them in the too-blue sky.
"Do you think," Yoochun says. "All five of us will ever be able to come here again?"
Junsu shrugs, his earring catching the Sun's glow and sparkling. "Stop wallowing, Yoochun."
"I'm not wallowing," Yoochun defends himself. "Just wondering."
Junsu says, "You'll be fine without us, I know you will."
Yoochun says, "I know I won't."
Junsu sits up, his head nearly colliding with a bright-yellow butterfly. He looks down at Yoochun, and says, "You will."
"I don't think I can do this." Yoochun closes his eyes, his voice shaking audibly. His heart feels like it's shrivelling up, and he wonders if it's scientifically possible to feel your heart breaking, because he thinks he can.
A tear slips out of the corner of his eye, and Junsu's answering touch is as light as the wind.
Junsu begs for ice cream at eleven forty-two.
"Then go and get it yourself." Yoochun says, annoyed.
"There's none left in the fridge, dumbass."
"Then go out and buy some."
"Do you think I can?" Junsu gives him a look.
Yoochun throws his pillow at Junsu and goes downstairs.
The mini-mart is empty, and Yoochun grabs a carton of strawbery ice cream, Junsu's favourite flavour.
When he goes to pay, the cashier gives him a tiny smile and asks, "Are you Yoochun-oppa?"
Yoochun nods, accepting his change from the girl.
"Fighting!" She says, and Yoochun walks out with a polite nod.
The apartment is strangely quiet when he gets back, and a note is sitting on their coffee table.
"Yoochunnie, fighting! We love you!" It says, in Junsu's familiar handwriting.
Yoochun sits on the floor for twelve minutes before he realises that the ice cream is melting.
He opens the refrigerator, and sets the carton he just bought with another three tubs of ice cream.
"Stupid dumbass liar," Yoochun says to the air, and this time when he cries, there isn't Junsu to wipe away his tears anymore.
Changmin is his last visitor.
Changmin sits on the park swing, Yoochun sits on the ground amongst the red maple leaves.
Autumn has always spelled loneliness of Yoochun. He remembers autumns in America; the other kids playing, jumping into the piles of leaves and giggling. He never joined in, just sat on the porch watching the burnt-red leaves drift slowly to meet the ground.
He'd told a single leaf, the only one left on the entire tree to hang in there, once, when he'd believed that it was clinging onto the branch with all its might.
Now, he wonders if the leaf had liked staying on the tree. Maybe, maybe it'd wanted to join the others on the ground - death meant nothing compared to being alone, being the only one left behind and watching everyone else walk away from you while you can only stand and stare, unable to move, to chase them and yell, "wait for me!"
"Do you miss us?" Changmin asks, never the subtle one.
Yoochun's laugh is hollow. "How could I not, Changmin-ah?"
"I'm sorry."
Yoochun doesn't know if Changmin is apologising for his lack of tack, or for abandoning him, so he shrugs and lets it go.
Yoochun falls asleep not long after that, the light breeze and the taste of autumn on his tongue having some sort of effect on his eyelids.
When he wakes up, the sky is dark and a glance at his watch tells him that it is eleven PM.
He stands up, brushing leaves off his jeans, and then he registers that Changmin is gone, Changmin isn't there anymore.
There is a strange jerking sensation at his heart - it feels like it's falling, the kind of feeling you get when you sit on roller-coasters.
He wanders the streets until he finds a familiar shadow lurking at the steps leading to the underground passage near their apartment.
"Changmin-ah!" Yoochun yells.
Changmin turns, his eyes bright in the dark.
Yoochun runs and so does Changmin, the youngest bandmember's long legs sprinting down the steps.
"Stay there, hyung!" Changmin shouts back, his voice echoing around the passageway.
"Why?" Yoochun asks, his throat tight and fingers clenched.
"Hyung, I don't want you to see me go." Changmin's voice is quiet, but for some reason Yoochun can still hear him.
Yoochun takes a step forward, eyes desperate, mouth dry.
"Close your eyes, hyung."
Yoochun obeys with something that feels like trepidation (like he doesn't want to let go).
The wind is harsh, cold, biting into his skin, and when he opens his eyes again, there is nothing left in the passageway to mark the fact that Shim Changmin had once been there.
Yoochun makes his way back to the apartment slowly, feet tripping over invisible obstacles and eyes swollen.
Seoul at midnight is still busy, noisy music drifting to his ears whenever a drunk person stumbles out of a club.
When he finally reaches the door, his hand pausing on the doorknob, he realises that there's nothing inside the apartment left waiting for, and he ends up curling on the doorstep and waiting for morning to arrive.
Something hard hits his head, and Yoochun wakes up.
"Good morning, sleepyhead." Jaejoong says, smiling.
Yunho tuts, "Why didn't you go in? It isn't safe for you to sleep outside!"
Junsu picks up the soccer ball he'd thrown at Yoochun's head and whispers something to Changmin, who cracks up.
Yunho unlocks the door, pushes Yoochun inside. Jaejoong grabs Yoochun's hand and steers him to sit on the couch.
Changmin and Junsu sit at both sides of Yoochun, while Yunho and Jaejoong go into the kitchen.
"Why are you guys here?" Yoochun says in mock-anger.
"Because we miss you," Junsu says at the same time as Changmin says, "Because you're an idiot and we thought you were going to off yourself."
Junsu clamps a head over Changmin's mouth. Changmin bites Junsu, who lets go immediately and yelps, wiping his hand on the couch.
"Now there's Min's saliva on the couch, you dumbass." Yoochun complains.
"Stop fighting!" Yunho sticks his head out of the kitchen with a glare.
"Yes, leader-sshi." Changmin says, an innocent look on his face.
Yunho nods, satisfied, and goes back to talking to Jaejoong.
"Devil," Junsu admonishes Changmin.
"Like you're incredibly pure, Angel Xiah." Changmin pokes Junsu's ribs.
Junsu does his trademark angel pose. Changmin clobbers his head with a cushion. Yoochun watches them fight with the biggest grin on his face.
"Breakfast!" Jaejoong shouts as he brings a plate of pancakes from the ktichen.
There is a mad scramble for the dining table and Jaejoong hits all their hands trying to reach for their food.
"Be patient." Jaejoong says, as he serves all of them an equal portion.
They talk while eating, slipping back into their normal routine as if this is normal - four ghosts and a human sitting around eating pancakes.
Yoochun says Jaejoong's cooking is the best in the world, Jaejoong tells him not to let his umma hear that.
Jaejoong and Changmin have a squabble over the maple syrup, and Yunho tells them to take their one-touches somewhere far away from the dining table.
Junsu and Yoochun share a smile, and Yoochun wishes this could last forever.
Yoohwan calls in the middle of their game of Monopoly.
"Yeah, Yoohwan?" Yoochun says into the phone.
"You're bankrupt!" Changmin announces gleefully to Yunho.
"Did I hear Changmin-hyung's voice?" Yoohwan asks suspiciously.
Yoochun says hastily, "I was um... watching some of our old home videos."
"You're coming back tonight, right?" Yoohwan says.
"Yeah. After midnight."
"Couldn't you come back earlier? Umma wants you home for dinner. It's New Year's tomorrow."
Yoochun winces. He'd been so caught up with everything he'd forgotten the dates. "Tell her I have some things to... take care of."
Yoohwan agrees and hangs up.
"Yunho-hyung's broke!" Changmin tells Yoochun after he puts down the phone.
"I'm the richest so far!" Jaejoong grins.
"How about you donate some of that pile to me?" Yunho tries to grab a note from Jaejoong's colourful stack.
Jaejoong shoves his hand away, and Yunho pouts.
Jaejoong wins the game, and suggests they go to the beach for the day.
If you put the five members of Dong Bang Shin Ki together, their childishness can win five pre-school kids.
They play catching on a secluded beach, toes slipping in the sand and laughter filling the air and Yoochun's heart.
Yoochun shoves Jaejoong into the salty water, and Jaejoong drags him into the sea as well, the cold water making the two of them shiver and race out of the sea as the other three laugh until they collapse onto the sand.
Jaejoong's eyes have a wicked glint, and when he mouths "get them", they tug and pull and push until all five of them are soaking wet and laughing even though their teeth are chattering in the icy-cold breeze.
The rest force Yoochun to get changed out of his wet clothes ("we can't get sick anyway," Changmin said logically).
They sit on the sand watching the Sun disappear into the sea, the sky painted with all sorts of colourful shades.
"Afterglow," Junsu comments.
They sing Hug together. Yoochun is reminded of pre-debut days, of walking into a meeting room with four complete strangers and flashing a nervous smile. Of clinging to each other's hands, sweaty and shaking, before their debut performance. Of winning their first award, tears of happiness.
They've walked so far together, and Yoochun wants to ask God, if you're really there, why are you doing this to me, to us, to everyone out there?
Yoochun wonders if this is the last time they get to sing this song together. Yoochun wonders if he will ever sing this song again.
"TVXQ Survival Quiz." Junsu says, his voice a little strange due to his blocked-up nose. "Who was the first one to cry the last day Dong Bang Shin Ki was together?"
They all write Park Micky Yoochun into the sand except Jaejoong, who argues that he was crying in the heart once again, and earns tearful whacks from the others.
Jaejoong had thought to bring sparklers, and they stick them into the sand to form TVXQ! and set the beach ablaze with light.
When the sparklers die out, and the beach dims again, Yoochun thinks that this is the exact representation of his life before, during, and after Dong Bang Shin Ki.
I can't live without you, Yoochun writes on the sand.
Junsu is the only one who sees, and he holds Yoochun's hand while Yoochun's tears drip onto the sand.
"Someone said, 'the point of meeting is for the eventual goodbye'."
"Who said that?" Junsu asks, looking at Changmin.
"Me." Changmin says loftily.
Yoochun throws sand into his hair.
"Well," Jaejoong says. "I say, 'goodbyes mark new beginnings, which means we'll meet again'."
Love, Yoochun thinks, is like a drug. You get a dose of it and you crave more and more, your world brimming over with explosions of colour. And when you lose it, when you can't get any more of it, your world reverts back to its black-and-white like before.
Except that this time, you've gotten so used to the technicolour the black-and-white is even worse, leaving your world even duller than before.
Yoochun wonders if he can smash all the clocks in the world, just to stop time, just so the four of them won't leave, leave him alone all over again.
Midnight is inching closer with every tear, every smile, every laugh, every beat of Yoochun's heart.
"Don't go." Yoochun whispers finally.
"Do you think we don't want to stay?" Yunho says, eyes worried.
"Then stay!"
"We can't, Yoochun, we just can't." Junsu's voice cracks.
"I hate all of you." Yoochun says.
"We love you." Changmin says.
Yoochun cries, clinging onto all their shirts like an abandoned puppy, desperate for them to take him along, wherever they go to, whenever, forever.
When fireworks explode on the other end of the beach, the bright sparks shooting up into the sky and then tumbling down again, Yoochun's breathing stops.
He's holding onto nothing but air, but when he opens his hand, a sheet of paper flutters out.
"Take care, we love you! 4/5 of TVXQ!"
"Happy New Year." Yoochun says.
Happy New Year to another year with Dong Bang Shin Ki (except this time, their existence is in your hearts).
Yoochun finishes the song.
He throws away all his drafts, every copy of his lyrics and notes until all that's left of the music is in his mind.
>>
FIRST POSTED HERE